Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Caitlyn.”
I was being lied to for about 6 months by the guy I had been dating.
He was very charming, great sense of humor, and seemed to be very caring and genuine. Always told me I was beautiful and after about a month or so he loves me and is in love with me!
Red flag number one! Why did he say those words that soon!!?
I chose to ignore it because he seemed different and the chemistry was great. He also said things to make me think we were soul mates and we were going to have a future.
Away a lot
He is an otr trucker so he’s gone a lot. We’ve gone out of town a few times, dated, etc. but I started to feel that something wasn’t right because he seemed to always be working on weekends and was very distant on weekends. I had never met his family or friends and I feel we didn’t go out or do things as much as we should.
I had purchased tickets to a show and he said he could go. I gave him advance notice. He cancelled a few days before and said he had to work but it turns out he was with another woman and her family.
I confronted him and at first he denied even knowing the woman until i told him there were pics on facebook posted on the same day of the show we were supposed to be at.
He isn’t on facebook but his brother is so I started browsing his brother’s page. I looked at his friends list and saw the woman’s page and she had several pics of herself with the guy I was dating so it looks like they’ve been together for quite some time, at least since last year and on our very first date he said he’d been single a year…LIE!
A fiance
I also think he’s engaged to her as I found unfinished wedding registries online. I asked about that and he said there was an engagement but not anymore, which I feel is still a lie since in her pics there is a ring on her finger but he said I was jumping to conclusions and its not what I think.
Said he was sorry and should’ve told me he was going to her family thing. Made it seem as if she’s just a friend. Said he was beating himself up about this and felt he needed help and to talk to someone.
He tried to make me feel sorry for him but I felt this was bull and that he was only sorry I caught him. He lied about his whereabouts!
Why do I feel bad?
But why do I feel so bad as if I was wrong!??
His entire demeanor changed after that the “I love you’s” stopped, he didn’t seem as “warm and fuzzy” anymore, and I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months now.
I also found out he had an online dating profile and he said he wasn’t on there to meet women and he was just on there playing a game! More lies!! You can use phone apps to play games!! I can see he hasn’t been on that in weeks now either since I confronted him.
So I guess shouldn’t feel this way but why do I feel like his fiance is the lucky one? He’s cheated on her and lied to her too. I should not feel like he’s now going to be this better person for her since he stopped talking to me but he changed his number.
He called me the last few times from a restricted number with this bogus story of how he lost his phone. If that’s the case, why is it still disconnected? I’m sure if that was true he could have gotten a new phone with the same number!!
What a cheater!
In the last few weeks I’ve found out his track record with women hasn’t been good. He was married for 11 years once and had 2 kids with different women other than his wife during that time, so he has 4 kids with 4 different women. 2 of his kids are the exact same age!!! What a cheater!!
He seems to be a sociopath the way that he lies and doesn’t seem to care that it’s hurtful. I should feel lucky to be free with all I’ve found out lately, but I feel like it’s tearing me up!!!!
He’s a criminal, liar, and cheater. I found out he’s on probation for stealing a car!!! He never told me that either.
He’s also had other run-ins with the law and has no respect for authority. He also beat a guy at a truck stop with a baseball bat and broke his arm. He didn’t seem to feel bad about it either.
I had feelings for this person and it was a fake person as he wasn’t genuine at all!!!
He took my choice from me. I would have never gotten involved with someone who is already involved. I beat myself up and am depressed because of the deceit. Will the pain end!???
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He painted a future, telling me how we were going to make this work
Rosie.
23 years ? Oh no. I can’t do 23 years. Oh you poor thing. You wrote a book ? I’m still trying to read anything everything. Woke up today just like yesterday in full panic mode. I just want to sleep. When I wake up I force myself to go back to sleep. These panic attacks are awful. I panic over the tiniest chore. I can’t complete an hour before I’m exhausted. Can’t breathe. Want to eat anything everything, drink wine whiskey beer vodka cough syrup ? Anything to put me back to sleep. How can I keep falling back wards to panic attacks. It’s funny. I’m not sure I even miss him. Him I hate I think. It’s the sound of his voice, the familiar things, the warm and fuzzy things. But was there ever wam and fuzzy things ? Did I just make all that up ? I’m still shut up. No word from him. Well two words in a Text. HAPPY THANKSGIVING. WHY BOTHER ? Just those two words in two weeks. Nothing more. He’s in honeymoon phase with someone else and I am in the throes of panic attacks.
Oh god Rosie. I just can’t do this for 23 years.
Caitlin,
I am so sorry this happened to you.
This guy is textbook spath.
I do understand how you feel.
There is nothing unfortunately that you can do but take comfort in knowing that you have learned the truth.
These con men are very good at their game, they have been practicing their entire life and they only get worse as they get older.
The one thing that I wished I had done sooner was to just accept it’s over and go through the grieving process..trying to get answers will just make things worse for you.
You feel this way because you are a kind loving person(also very smart) and you were lied to and betrayed.
Do not for a minute think that he will treat any other woman different.
They do not.
Sit with these feelings…they are very real.
If you try to push the down they will just resurface.
Take care of you, make everything about you.
Educate yourself on the disorder so it does not happen again and move on with your life.
It hurts like hell.
I have learned so much about why I would let a bum like that into my life.
Please do not contact him or any of his friends.
Change your # and stay off FB, it’s just going to prolong your healing.
NO CONTACT.
Get the ebook “How to Do No Contact Like A Boss” it’s on Amazon and only like 5 dollars, read it, and read it again.
Stay strong, if you leave any crack open he will invade and you will have to start over again.
Hugs..
We are here for you!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Well i now have new info to add to my story! He was recently arrested for swindling!!!! 2 weeks ago and the case is pending trial. I’m so hoping he spends time locked away but he probably won’t. It’ll probably just be a slap on the wrist as usual. He’s gone to jail before and got probation which to me is a slap on the wrist so probably won’t be any different this time. I don’t know anymore details or who he swindled. Funny how most of the charges he’s had have been related to deception, cheating, defrauding, etc. true sociopath huh? I also see that his activity on the online dating profile has started again. And here i was thinking he had abandoned that profile to be this faithful person to his little fiancé! Boy was i wrong i guess he’s bored and on there looking for my replacement. I wish i had the control to stop him from hurting another woman! I feel so sorry for anyone who will be next in his victimizing.
You have him figured out; your clear thinking and understanding of what he is will help you recover. He’s clearly a liar and cheater to everyone. When he acts ‘nice’ to someone, it’s because he thinks that’s the best way to get whatever he wants, not because he cares about someone nor because he is committed to honesty.
He defrauded you into caring about him and being intimate with him. That is intense betrayal and it does take work to recover. You can know that his behavior has nothing to do with you – he treats people the way he does because he’s a bad person.
There are a couple of websites where you can post warnings about a spath, but they aren’t widely known. It’s too bad dating sites don’t have a way that would work to post feedback, like on ebay.
Annette: thanks for your response. You’re so right. I had been asking god and hoping to see something else to confirm what really i already know he is-deceiver, cheater, liar, etc. and there was that swindling charge which is very recent. Even though i got this i still can’t erase the fact that i had genuine feelings for this lying sack of you know what!!! For a long time i was hurting because I didn’t see the activity on the dating profile and i thought he must’ve changed for her. But now that i see he is back on there- i have my answer- he’ll never change. 47 year old cheater, manipulator, and cheater. I almost cried last night because i know I can’t protect the next person. He is indeed a bad person. Very disordered. When i first confronted him and shortly after i thought it was me but its 100% him.
It sounds like God answered your prayer asking for confirmation of his evil character. That is powerful. Although you can’t protect your ex’s future victims, if you pray for their protection God may answer that prayer too.
You had genuine feelings for the man he said he was, because you are a good living kind generous person who is capable of love. You take that capacity for love and bonding with you wherever you go in life. You choose to give your love to someone who deserves it – who appreciates you and values you and who has good character.
‘living’ should be ‘loving’ sorry for the typo!
Annette: this is very true about me. I also even thought maybe he hadn’t been online in the past 3 months because he was taking time to re-invent himself or become better at his deceit so he won’t get caught like i caught him! I feel sorry for the next woman but then at the same time i feel like if he has another target he”ll never need to come back my way. I hope he never thinks about contacting me again
Spaths often come back to previous victims when they think they can get something they want. If your ex spath senses that he can’t easily exploit you, he will prey on someone else who’s easier to control. The surest and most powerful way to keep him from contacting you is for you to be 100% committed to never interacting with him again ever, no matter what. It won’t matter what story he tells if he tries to contact you again, because you won’t respond. It’s not easy because spaths have a way of knowing our weaknesses and how to get to us. Think about what it would take for you to interact with him again – if you believed he really changed, if you believed he really ‘needed’ your help in some way. Whatever it is that might work on you, that is what he’ll try, if he decides to contact you.
Caitlyn
It’s not you sweetie. Never was. It’s him. He is a deceiver, cheater, liar. He will never change. This knowledge helps me every day to know that it wasn’t me. As much as he blamed me it was never me. It was him. Always was always will be. Try not to look. Try not to be involved at all if you can. I want to look too but I don’t. I can’t. I know it will set me back. I just come here and see that nothing ever changes for them. But us ! We have a chance armed with knowledge and the collective strength of all of us on these threads to just move on. Create a new and better life and hopefully help each other through the suffering.
Emtuoba: i’ve been checking county records for a while now. I know he’s been in trouble with the law so i just kept checking every so often for that sign i asked god to send me. Its like i needed to just see one more thing to confirm the disordered shit he is! Then i saw that and decided to browse the online dating site he frequents and there he was back in action. I haven’t checked facebook and don’t plan to. But i felt i had to do this. County records are really a good way to check a person out these are public records too. Every since I confronted him i’ve found out so much about him from these public records. Call me an undercover private i!!!
What are the websites that warn about SPs please?
Do you know? I would appreciate being able to check them.
Thank you 🙂
Rapebyfraud.com is one. I’m sorry I don’t remember others. A couple have been listed on Lovefraud on various posts, but there’s no easy way to find those posts. Maybe a google search would come up with some of the other sites.
Thank you so much 🙂
Caitlyn,
I don’t check up on my ex at all. I know I couldn’t stand knowing any of his baloney. BUT BIG AS YOU PLEASE. On my face book an ad from a biker site. LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO RIDE WITH FOR LIFE. There in all his glory was the ex. He is this weeks poster child. I about fell out of bed. I thought he as getting married ! Is this an old ad or a new ad or his girlfriends sick idea of cat and mouse. Crazy I don’t look for him but he just showed up in a biker dating ad on my face book.
Caitlyn
I did the check also. I did it while we were still living together. It only made me sick. I kept looking and digging only to hurt myself more. I was in a fever and couldn’t stop. In the end it did me know good. I only discovered that he was a lying cheat. The end was the same. I confronted him with dating sites , girls names and email addresses. I even texted the other girls to let them know about me and each other. Once this was done he just left. He left blaming me that I was crazy and paranoid and that I suffocated him. What a joke. I suffocated him. I hadn’t taken a cleansing breath in 6 months because of him. Anyway. Do what you need to do. I only want the best for you. This is a process for all of us. No one way is the right way for us all. I support you in everything you do trying to move onward.
I had one of the worst days ever yesterday. And still the panic attacks every nite 3;00-3:30. Today I notice my hands shake uncontrollably. I don’t understand the price I am paying for this person. Why ? Why is this happening to me, to you to us all. Where is the short circuit. He is gone. Why these residuals. Why the suffering. They are gone. Why can’t the virus be gone too.
I don’t understand why my mind is working against me, or why my heart races, or why I am so depressed. I know he is horrible. I know I do not want him back. I just don’t know why this pain and depression lingers and attacks me even when I’m asleep.
Oh, you have just described my last 24 hours exactly!! The waking in panic at 3.00am, the shaking hands, the depression. Like you I know he is despicable but in my unguarded moments I long to have what I thought I had. I have to remind myself that it never really existed – it was a lie.
Andi
Wonder what the 3 am thing is. More than you and I are waking at 3 am. Is it part of a normal sleep cycle ? Somehow waking up already and the added stress just kicks it into over drive.
The shaking hands I have no idea.
I’m past the wanting him back. I wanted the original guy back. The first one. Not the one that returned from the first abandonment. He never was the same guy I first met and fell in love with. So this time. With the knowledge I have gotten here I do not mourn his loss anymore. But there is a fear. PTSD maybe. Someone mentioned that leads to other anxieties. Maybe it does. I do isolate on days I am not working. I was horribly depressed yesterday. I don’t know. It’s just difficult anyway I look at it.
I’m here now at 2.08 in the morning (UK) having slept for half an hour and woken again by the pain in the pit of my stomach. I’ve been lying here wondering about ways to commit suicide because I don’t think I can take this. I’d just retired to spend more time with him, and we were planning a wonderful future together. I thought we were so happy and I’d just picked him up from hospital following a prostate removal when I found he’d had sex with another woman just the day before he’d gone in to hospital. Once his cover was blown all the fault was mine – I didn’t kiss him properly, didn’t have sex with him often enough, didn’t spend enough time with him, didn’t dress the way he wanted me to ( short skirts and suspenders…). I was immediately ‘ vaporised’ and he cut me out of his life completely, moving the other woman into his house the very next day.
I have always been so strong and confident and now I’m like a child, flailing around without a purpose, terrified of the future.
Pretty much the same story for me. We had a 5 year plan 4 days before he left. Same thing. The sex was not often enough or kinky enough. He also wanted short skirts and black stockings and high heels. He wanted me to tease him. Right. Work 24 hours. Change out of my uniform and go out into the garage where he spent most of his time and tease him. I’m so sorry Andi. Mine moved in with the other woman and announced a week later that he was getting married. Wish we could all go out to lunch or brunch. Have a girls night out. Wish we didn’t have to meet like this. Wish we were all happier and moving on faster. Wish we never had these stories to tell. Hope your having a better day.
14 hours. Hahaha. I could never make 24 this late in the game.