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By | November 18, 2015 53 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I should feel lucky to be free of the sociopath, but it’s tearing me up!

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Caitlyn.”

I was being lied to for about 6 months by the guy I had been dating.

He was very charming, great sense of humor, and seemed to be very caring and genuine. Always told me I was beautiful and after about a month or so he loves me and is in love with me!

Red flag number one! Why did he say those words that soon!!?

I chose to ignore it because he seemed different and the chemistry was great. He also said things to make me think we were soul mates and we were going to have a future.

Away a lot

He is an otr trucker so he’s gone a lot. We’ve gone out of town a few times, dated, etc. but I started to feel that something wasn’t right because he seemed to always be working on weekends and was very distant on weekends. I had never met his family or friends and I feel we didn’t go out or do things as much as we should.

I had purchased tickets to a show and he said he could go. I gave him advance notice. He cancelled a few days before and said he had to work but it turns out he was with another woman and her family.

I confronted him and at first he denied even knowing the woman until i told him there were pics on facebook posted on the same day of the show we were supposed to be at.

He isn’t on facebook but his brother is so I started browsing his brother’s page. I looked at his friends list and saw the woman’s page and she had several pics of herself with the guy I was dating so it looks like they’ve been together for quite some time, at least since last year and on our very first date he said he’d been single a year…LIE!

A fiance

I also think he’s engaged to her as I found unfinished wedding registries online. I asked about that and he said there was an engagement but not anymore, which I feel is still a lie since in her pics there is a ring on her finger but he said I was jumping to conclusions and its not what I think.

Said he was sorry and should’ve told me he was going to her family thing. Made it seem as if she’s just a friend. Said he was beating himself up about this and felt he needed help and to talk to someone.

He tried to make me feel sorry for him but I felt this was bull and that he was only sorry I caught him. He lied about his whereabouts!

Why do I feel bad?

But why do I feel so bad as if I was wrong!??

His entire demeanor changed after that the “I love you’s” stopped, he didn’t seem as “warm and fuzzy” anymore, and I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months now.

I also found out he had an online dating profile and he said he wasn’t on there to meet women and he was just on there playing a game! More lies!! You can use phone apps to play games!! I can see he hasn’t been on that in weeks now either since I confronted him.

So I guess shouldn’t feel this way but why do I feel like his fiance is the lucky one? He’s cheated on her and lied to her too. I should not feel like he’s now going to be this better person for her since he stopped talking to me but he changed his number.

He called me the last few times from a restricted number with this bogus story of how he lost his phone. If that’s the case, why is it still disconnected? I’m sure if that was true he could have gotten a new phone with the same number!!

What a cheater!

In the last few weeks I’ve found out his track record with women hasn’t been good. He was married for 11 years once and had 2 kids with different women other than his wife during that time, so he has 4 kids with 4 different women. 2 of his kids are the exact same age!!! What a cheater!!

He seems to be a sociopath the way that he lies and doesn’t seem to care that it’s hurtful. I should feel lucky to be free with all I’ve found out lately, but I feel like it’s tearing me up!!!!

He’s a criminal, liar, and cheater. I found out he’s on probation for stealing a car!!! He never told me that either.

He’s also had other run-ins with the law and has no respect for authority. He also beat a guy at a truck stop with a baseball bat and broke his arm. He didn’t seem to feel bad about it either.

I had feelings for this person and it was a fake person as he wasn’t genuine at all!!!

He took my choice from me. I would have never gotten involved with someone who is already involved. I beat myself up and am depressed because of the deceit. Will the pain end!???

 


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The pain will end, darling. I dealt with the end of my sociopathic affair by viewing it as a death. I allowed myself to go through all of the stages ancillary to loss, am seeing a therapist, am very close to my family, whom I had to explain this type of person to. And, sweetheart, I tell myself all the time that I am thankful I’m not the baby mama whom he had pregnant at the time he told me he wanted to be with me. I AM the lucky one and so are you!

Caitlyn

I’m thankful I never got pregnant too! Seems every time this guy got a woman pregnant he left. He’s not in his kids lives like he should be. I’m also seeing a therapist and it helps along with this site.

emtuoba

it is a death. only they dont stay dead long enough. They keep coming back. this is my second goo round with my N. hope he stays figuatively DEAD this time. I have to put an end to the madness. Best of luck to you sweetie. Best of luck to us all.

BlueSkys

Why do they block or change their numbers after they are caught? Is it because they were caught!? I don’t see how a long pattern of cheating and lying could change but the way this guy dissapeared by saying he lost his phone when he probably changed his number makes it seem as if all of a sudden now he’s going to be faithful with his “fiance” that he’s already been cheating on. People don’t change at the flip of a switch but the way some of them act after getting caught makes no sense but again this is a liar!

Denise Bailey

Consider yourself very lucky that you found out before you became more involved. They pretend to be who they are not to hook you, once you are hooked, they toy with you. The emotional roller coaster ride is hell. You fell for a persona that does not exist. You are very, very lucky to find out early. Please read all the articles on this site and the recommended books so that you understand that it is not you, it is them & to them, you are just a game.

Caitlyn

Yes Denise logically I know I was lucky to figure him out after six months but I don’t fully feel it yet. I remember some of the things he used to say to me like “I would never hurt you” and “I have no reason to lie to you” and last but not least “I have nothing to hide”. Funny because he did hurt me, he had every reason in the world to lie, and he had plenty to hide! I even found myself questioning me asking what does she have that I don’t and why was he playing this game of pathological lies. But I think the more appropriate question is why would I want to lower my standards and settle to want someone like this to want me.

justkeepwalking

I expect you didn’t want to lower your standards at all. Like any other addictive thing, we connect in a subconscious or physiological way, and that leads us to ignore many things that would be dealbreakers if they fully registered with us or were consciously considered. And it’s easy to get sucked into wanting to win if we’re diverted from considering whether we actually want the prize.

There are ways in which we bond and react to having that bond threatened that would seem to make a lot more sense if we were part of a small tribal group than our current society. There’s a pressure to find and keep a partner that may be wired into us far more deeply than is actually necessary or fits with our conscious decisions. It helps to understand ourselves and how our impulses pull us away from what we truly want and value, so we can break the spell.

wakingup

There is no logic in your scenario. You are dealing with a deranged mind. If you “understood” his deranged behavior you would also need to be deranged. Since you are normal you thankfully do not understand. Please do yourself a favor and believe what you read on this site. There are many more like him and now, you know. That.is.all.

emtuoba

damn same things mine said to see. your crazy, your so negative, you always expect the worse you are suffocating me.. he couldnt tell the truth if the truth was easier. with all the excuses for why he came home late or not at all i fully expected a sunami to hit him next and we live 500 miles inland.

emtuoba

you are lucky. it took me years to figure out what was even wrong. I thought I was crazy or going crazy.

Stargazer

Caitlyn, this is very similar to what happened to me in 2008. I was lucky enough to find out his fraud after only 3 months, but it still took a long time to recover. Stay strong and stay away from him – no looking for him on FB, etc. Enlist spiritual help or energy work anywhere you can find it and ask to have his energy removed from your system. You will need to grieve, and it’s very painful, but at a certain point, you will know you are on the way to recovery.

I am 7 years out of that relationship and have a really wonderful boyfriend now. You will get through this and will be okay, too. Please hold that intention for yourself as you recover.

My best to you,

Star

Caitlyn

Thanks Stargazer! I’m taking it one day at a time; some days are better than others. I haven’t been on Facebook lately and I also have not heard from him so I hope he stays AWAY! The bad days can be overwhelming. I almost think I have fallen into a low grade depression. You mentioned about spiritual healing, what kind of process did you go thorough for this?

emtuoba

great for you star gazer. I am happy for you.

Caitlyn

Thanks Stargazer! I’m taking it one day at a time; some days are better than others. I haven’t been on Facebook lately and I also have not heard from him so I hope he stays AWAY! The bad days can be overwhelming. I almost think I have fallen into a low grade depression. You mentioned about spiritual healing, what kind of process did you go thorough for this?

Lcherie

I’m so glad he’s out of your life. I unfortunately have a child with my ex husband of 10 years and I still have to deal with him. God help me.

Hope Springs

That’s the biggest problem isn’t it?

Once you are really entwined with a SP, it seems as if you can never get them out of your life.

You have a child with one. My own son is one. What can we do now??

What a life….

Caitlyn

I’m starting to feel glad that he’s gone too. Took me a while and I still have the hurt feelings but as the days go on it gets a little better. I’m sorry you still have to deal with your ex. I often think about his ex-wife and the other women who had his kids and I feel sorry for them because they still have to see him…3 kids all under the age of 11 and 3 women who still have to put up with him!

vash15

These men play by the same rules, same playbook. I am reading the stories on this site and they all sound so familiar like I am reading what happened to me. All I have to say is, it was the worst time in my life and I am forty something, never cried and beat myself in my entire life the way I did while I was dating the evil and when he callously left one day and told me with no shame that he has found another one and they have so much in common and they have been intimate for a month while he was with me and another woman finally he confessed before he always told me he is not seeing anybody and I have a vivid imagination, he had nothing to lose he wanted to discard me at that point . I am not envious of the new female/females in his life I am thinking that this poor soul is so happy now and in “love” but in a matter of few months or a year is going to go through what I have been through pure hell. I wish I could warn her that he is married has two kids, he made four other women pregnant has more kids and never paid child support his passport is confiscated his wife is supporting him now while he is on many dating sites cheating and lying to her on a daily bases, I could tell her all I know but I have to stay silent and watch him destroy another persons dream for his selfish reasons so sad that people like him get rewarded by being evil.

Caitlyn

Vash one of the biggest things I’ve been struggling with lately is how they seem to get away with all of this. The guy I described in the letter seems to have a “convict” mentality as he thinks he’s too smart to get caught. He even told me this once when we were having a conversation about something. He thinks the laws don’t apply to him. He’s committed crimes and assaulted people as I explained and seems to get away with it…same way with the women he has hurt he gets away with it and it just angers me. When this first happened I used to feel jealous of the fiance’ but now as time goes on I think I should pray for her because she probably thinks he is the best thing ever and doesn’t know what he is up to!

vash15

Caitlyn,you said it correctly that these “dark souls” feel above the law and feel entitled they do think that they are smart because they are getting away for so long. Sometimes I feel that it’s our fault us women that we trust and get attached so easily and let these creatures use us.we look the other way when we see the red flags I saw the red flags but chose to ignore it that’s why I blame myself for what happened .Last I saw him was seven months ago, deep inside I am happy he is gone but to my own surprise there are times that I miss him as you said it well” Will the pain end!???” I am waiting.There are few good books in addition to this site that have helped me not to go insane. one is Dark souls and another one is psychopath free in addition I have read other books to help me how to heal, one that has been very helpful is getting past your breakup. Every time I get teary eyes I read one of the books I mentioned.

emtuoba

Caitlyn I want my guys fiancé after only leaving me 10 days ago to be abducted by Aliens. I couldn’t care less about her. She is a home wrecker. Knew what she was doing and did it anyway. If anything she is sicker than he is and he will feel like I do when she is done with him. Half of her desire for him was to hurt me. Well she is the winner. Now I say to her “live with your prize. “

Caitlyn

I feel your pain. Some days i get very angry because this whole thing made me feel inadequate in some way and depressed. As i posted somewhere else on here i have a GREAT therapist. She has helped me tremendously. She turns on light bulbs in my head that make me realize ok i should be really glad he’s gone!!! Also with my guy being the cheater he is and being an otr trucker in and out of truck stops and wherever else women are that i would never be able to discover really disgusts me. So this kind of gets me through sometimes because i deserve better and so do you!!!! He used to tell me when i first met him that he would never open his door at a truck stop if a girl knocked because he’s not going to pay for sex. I believed it then but knowing what i know now he probably would. If he’s online looking for god knows what why woukd he turn a woman down at a truck stop!? As my therapist said keep educating yourself on these types! Hoping we all get through this and never have to deal with another one

Caitlyn

He also used to tell me he would never lie to me or never hurt me. And we see now and know that was bull so the “never” opening his door at a truck stop is bull too the way i see it!!!

emtuoba

One thing for certain is that they are academy award winning liars. Mine said I don’t need to worry. Everything is fine. I’m only imagining things. He would never lie or hurt me either. Bull crap. If his lips were moving he was lying.
I’m having trouble with the ground hog day effect. Get big and strong reading on this site, & hanging with family for Thanksgiving. But as darkness falls I begin to panic, and second guess. By morning I’ve forgotten the answers and strengths I learned the day prior and I have to start over. And God help me come Friday. I have to go back to my home still full of his things and start all over. What a nightmare.

wakingup

I feel like a betrayed child who opened her heart wide and in innocent trust and wonder. When I was cruelly discarded, it hurt all the way back to my early childhood. That is the only way I can describe the pain. It is as if he had some intuitive “gift” of sensing the broken places in my innocence and pounced upon each and every one slashing them open and reinjuring them violently. I am inquiring now about the pain and how to heal because they are not wounds originally caused by him, just unresolved issues from long ago.

Teresa

I have broken free from this and I hope my words inspire you and everyone else reading this that you can break free too.This is very difficult to recover from however as has been written above in the comment written by the person calling themselves waking up, it all about us and healing our childhood. I am a recovered Narcissist/ Psychopath Co- dependent addict. As a sensitive and empathic person I befriended one narcissist after another and kept compromising my own needs to try and help them. Whenever I needed anything they would disappear until I was back supporting them.I finally became addicted to a psychopath. No one has ever broken my heart in the way he did. Each time he hurt me I used Emotional Freedom Technique and Matrix Reimprinting to heal my childhood wounds. It even took me back into past lives I had had with him that I needed to heal. It also involved energy work to remove his energy from my body.He kept coming back into my life until I used this combination of healing work.I had been beginning to think I was never going to break free from emotional bond I had with him. As a result of this healing I am now repelled by Narcissistic and Psychopathic behavior. I feel free for the first time in my life and have found self worth which means I can set strong boundaries. I no longer feel the need to rescue others and attract people with love and respect.I now work on Skype and one to one with these techniques helping others to break free. If you would like more information about how you can break free please feel free to e-mail at [email protected]

Rosie Jackson

Yay! Good girl. You didn’t marry him and you have your whole life ahead of you!
Imagine if you had married him and got pregnant on your honeymoon and he abused you in every way shape and form and slept around with anyone and everyone (including your MALE cousin) and….well you’ll just have to read my book because we can be victims or we CAN RISE ABOVE!
Yeah, rise above, angel.
And please pray for me and my kids because this psycho isn’t finished with us yet (he’s getting worse and he’s too old and ugly to find another victim) Twenty fours years of this shit. But at least I kept my babies safe!
Remember, the devil seeks out to destroy good, so when you have been targeted by evil consider yourself “Nil Nisi Bonum” (nothing but good)
Take care, warn others and

God bless.

Teresa

Rosie, I will pray for you and everyone else in contact with these people. I know it’s tough but keep your focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. That gave me the strength to maintain the no contact rule as he was determined to get me back in his life. That as well as healing my childhood trauma. I focus on what I want even with the few narcissists I can’t completely avoid in life. I also cleanse my energy by sending it down into the ground (in my mind) as well as theirs and bring in light and angels when I am around them to create a more positive outcome and keep me safe.
Love and healing hugs. xxx

Caitlyn

Thanks For your reply! Grief and anger are still very present with me from my situation as explained in the letter. Thought i was getting better. Maybe its the holidays bringing it all back to the surface. Keep thinking that he must have some level of love, care, respect, or consideration for his “fiance” since he’s with her. But then logically how can this be true? Did he love and respect her when he was with me spending time with me, telling me he loved me, and taking me out of town. Did he love and respect her when he set up the dating profiles online offering to take women to dinner? I know the answer is no but i still feel something has to be there. I honestly think it has to be that she just doesn’t know the lies and the cheating ways and he’s gotten away with it because she doesn’t know…is that really it? He swings from woman to woman and does this before the last woman is all the way gone. Before his divorce from his second wife was completed he was already living with another woman. Left his wife with a newborn baby might i add. Told me the wife was cheating because he was always on the road and they grew apart-LIE. The child is his and being on the road had nothing to do with it because his ex wife has re- married another otr trucker this past june. So he lied about that probably because he was cheating!!! The woman he lived with when he left his then wife he was with for about 3 years and while he was with her he found the fiance he’s with now so he left the woman he was living with for the current fiance. Said the woman he was living with was crazy, didn’t want to work, accused him of cheating-LIE. I think he said all this about her because just like me she found out about this woman he’s with now. I can’t help but think why is he with this woman? But again i know its because she doesn’t know or want to believe who he really is. Me and the ex he was living with figured it out so this has to be why he left her and why he dissapeared from me. Hope i can snap out of this mood I’m in today.

elainedu

I have a very similar story as well. It has been horrible. He was, the perfect man at first. After 3 months I started noticing something isn’t right. But, every time we broke up I always initiated the contact to get back together. The last break up was on July 4. That had to be the absolute weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. Everything was very strange with what he did. Anyway. I have not initiated any contact with him since. I have not heard from him. I have seen him driving close to where I live a few times. Which is strange, because we live an hour apart. I figured he was dating someone close to me. Anyway, what I don’t know is, is it now actually over? Will & has he officially moved on? I would so like to know what to or not expect. For some strange reason, I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, which feels really weird. I don’t think I am afraid of him, but I am fearful of him. I can’t explain it. Other than it is related to what happened on July 4 when we broke up that night. It was just plain bizarre. Could someone please comment as to if this guy has actually moved on? I would love to know. I do wish we could post photos of our guy, gal on a websigte just for the reason of alerting others to who we dealt with that we had this horrible experience with so others could see them. I have no doubt my ex guy is talking to women all over the US. I wish I would have known ahead of time. And, Caitlyn, I so understand how you feel now that the holidays are here. All I could do today is just sleep. And it’s been almost 5 months. I still have nightmares about him. Just weird. Thank You!

Caitlyn

Elaine- yes the holidays suck big time. I think in my head ok 1 down 3 more to go ( christmas, new years, valentines) these are torture at times like this. Just can’t wrap my mind around how he could be so evil. In my past before this guy i had been guilty of not asking questions. But with him from day one i asked him was he single, how long was he single, anyone else he was interested in, where were we going with the relationship, etc. I asked or brought this things up several times and everytime i got lies EVERY single time!!! Thats the scary part because now I think everything everyone says to me now is a lie. One thing I remember when this first happened and i went to my therapist i said to her ” I don’t understand why he just couldn’t tell the truth when i confronted him with proof of that woman” and she said “you’re asking him to be an honest person and thats NOT who he is”
Boy was she right!!!

AnnettePK

Elainedu,

Spaths don’t usually ‘move on’ because they were never bonded in the first place. It is all fake with them. They are known to ‘come back’ and try to exploit previous victims whenever they want something and they think they can successfully engage and exploit again. They do this when they are bored, need a place to stay, want sex, etc.

You can expect him to reappear even decades later, to see what he can get from you. Consider being prepared not to believe whatever lies he may tell you in the future if he tries to suck you in again. No Contact Forever provides protection against being revictimized.

emtuoba

Rosie.
23 years ? Oh no. I can’t do 23 years. Oh you poor thing. You wrote a book ? I’m still trying to read anything everything. Woke up today just like yesterday in full panic mode. I just want to sleep. When I wake up I force myself to go back to sleep. These panic attacks are awful. I panic over the tiniest chore. I can’t complete an hour before I’m exhausted. Can’t breathe. Want to eat anything everything, drink wine whiskey beer vodka cough syrup ? Anything to put me back to sleep. How can I keep falling back wards to panic attacks. It’s funny. I’m not sure I even miss him. Him I hate I think. It’s the sound of his voice, the familiar things, the warm and fuzzy things. But was there ever wam and fuzzy things ? Did I just make all that up ? I’m still shut up. No word from him. Well two words in a Text. HAPPY THANKSGIVING. WHY BOTHER ? Just those two words in two weeks. Nothing more. He’s in honeymoon phase with someone else and I am in the throes of panic attacks.
Oh god Rosie. I just can’t do this for 23 years.

stronginthecity

Caitlin,
I am so sorry this happened to you.
This guy is textbook spath.
I do understand how you feel.
There is nothing unfortunately that you can do but take comfort in knowing that you have learned the truth.
These con men are very good at their game, they have been practicing their entire life and they only get worse as they get older.
The one thing that I wished I had done sooner was to just accept it’s over and go through the grieving process..trying to get answers will just make things worse for you.
You feel this way because you are a kind loving person(also very smart) and you were lied to and betrayed.
Do not for a minute think that he will treat any other woman different.
They do not.
Sit with these feelings…they are very real.
If you try to push the down they will just resurface.
Take care of you, make everything about you.
Educate yourself on the disorder so it does not happen again and move on with your life.
It hurts like hell.
I have learned so much about why I would let a bum like that into my life.
Please do not contact him or any of his friends.
Change your # and stay off FB, it’s just going to prolong your healing.
NO CONTACT.
Get the ebook “How to Do No Contact Like A Boss” it’s on Amazon and only like 5 dollars, read it, and read it again.
Stay strong, if you leave any crack open he will invade and you will have to start over again.
Hugs..
We are here for you!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity

Caitlyn

Well i now have new info to add to my story! He was recently arrested for swindling!!!! 2 weeks ago and the case is pending trial. I’m so hoping he spends time locked away but he probably won’t. It’ll probably just be a slap on the wrist as usual. He’s gone to jail before and got probation which to me is a slap on the wrist so probably won’t be any different this time. I don’t know anymore details or who he swindled. Funny how most of the charges he’s had have been related to deception, cheating, defrauding, etc. true sociopath huh? I also see that his activity on the online dating profile has started again. And here i was thinking he had abandoned that profile to be this faithful person to his little fiancé! Boy was i wrong i guess he’s bored and on there looking for my replacement. I wish i had the control to stop him from hurting another woman! I feel so sorry for anyone who will be next in his victimizing.

AnnettePK

You have him figured out; your clear thinking and understanding of what he is will help you recover. He’s clearly a liar and cheater to everyone. When he acts ‘nice’ to someone, it’s because he thinks that’s the best way to get whatever he wants, not because he cares about someone nor because he is committed to honesty.

He defrauded you into caring about him and being intimate with him. That is intense betrayal and it does take work to recover. You can know that his behavior has nothing to do with you – he treats people the way he does because he’s a bad person.

There are a couple of websites where you can post warnings about a spath, but they aren’t widely known. It’s too bad dating sites don’t have a way that would work to post feedback, like on ebay.

Caitlyn

Annette: thanks for your response. You’re so right. I had been asking god and hoping to see something else to confirm what really i already know he is-deceiver, cheater, liar, etc. and there was that swindling charge which is very recent. Even though i got this i still can’t erase the fact that i had genuine feelings for this lying sack of you know what!!! For a long time i was hurting because I didn’t see the activity on the dating profile and i thought he must’ve changed for her. But now that i see he is back on there- i have my answer- he’ll never change. 47 year old cheater, manipulator, and cheater. I almost cried last night because i know I can’t protect the next person. He is indeed a bad person. Very disordered. When i first confronted him and shortly after i thought it was me but its 100% him.

AnnettePK

It sounds like God answered your prayer asking for confirmation of his evil character. That is powerful. Although you can’t protect your ex’s future victims, if you pray for their protection God may answer that prayer too.

You had genuine feelings for the man he said he was, because you are a good living kind generous person who is capable of love. You take that capacity for love and bonding with you wherever you go in life. You choose to give your love to someone who deserves it – who appreciates you and values you and who has good character.

AnnettePK

‘living’ should be ‘loving’ sorry for the typo!

Caitlyn

Annette: this is very true about me. I also even thought maybe he hadn’t been online in the past 3 months because he was taking time to re-invent himself or become better at his deceit so he won’t get caught like i caught him! I feel sorry for the next woman but then at the same time i feel like if he has another target he”ll never need to come back my way. I hope he never thinks about contacting me again

AnnettePK

Spaths often come back to previous victims when they think they can get something they want. If your ex spath senses that he can’t easily exploit you, he will prey on someone else who’s easier to control. The surest and most powerful way to keep him from contacting you is for you to be 100% committed to never interacting with him again ever, no matter what. It won’t matter what story he tells if he tries to contact you again, because you won’t respond. It’s not easy because spaths have a way of knowing our weaknesses and how to get to us. Think about what it would take for you to interact with him again – if you believed he really changed, if you believed he really ‘needed’ your help in some way. Whatever it is that might work on you, that is what he’ll try, if he decides to contact you.

emtuoba

Caitlyn
It’s not you sweetie. Never was. It’s him. He is a deceiver, cheater, liar. He will never change. This knowledge helps me every day to know that it wasn’t me. As much as he blamed me it was never me. It was him. Always was always will be. Try not to look. Try not to be involved at all if you can. I want to look too but I don’t. I can’t. I know it will set me back. I just come here and see that nothing ever changes for them. But us ! We have a chance armed with knowledge and the collective strength of all of us on these threads to just move on. Create a new and better life and hopefully help each other through the suffering.

Caitlyn

Emtuoba: i’ve been checking county records for a while now. I know he’s been in trouble with the law so i just kept checking every so often for that sign i asked god to send me. Its like i needed to just see one more thing to confirm the disordered shit he is! Then i saw that and decided to browse the online dating site he frequents and there he was back in action. I haven’t checked facebook and don’t plan to. But i felt i had to do this. County records are really a good way to check a person out these are public records too. Every since I confronted him i’ve found out so much about him from these public records. Call me an undercover private i!!!

Hope Springs

What are the websites that warn about SPs please?

Do you know? I would appreciate being able to check them.

Thank you 🙂

AnnettePK

Rapebyfraud.com is one. I’m sorry I don’t remember others. A couple have been listed on Lovefraud on various posts, but there’s no easy way to find those posts. Maybe a google search would come up with some of the other sites.

Hope Springs

Thank you so much 🙂

emtuoba

Caitlyn,
I don’t check up on my ex at all. I know I couldn’t stand knowing any of his baloney. BUT BIG AS YOU PLEASE. On my face book an ad from a biker site. LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO RIDE WITH FOR LIFE. There in all his glory was the ex. He is this weeks poster child. I about fell out of bed. I thought he as getting married ! Is this an old ad or a new ad or his girlfriends sick idea of cat and mouse. Crazy I don’t look for him but he just showed up in a biker dating ad on my face book.

emtuoba

Caitlyn
I did the check also. I did it while we were still living together. It only made me sick. I kept looking and digging only to hurt myself more. I was in a fever and couldn’t stop. In the end it did me know good. I only discovered that he was a lying cheat. The end was the same. I confronted him with dating sites , girls names and email addresses. I even texted the other girls to let them know about me and each other. Once this was done he just left. He left blaming me that I was crazy and paranoid and that I suffocated him. What a joke. I suffocated him. I hadn’t taken a cleansing breath in 6 months because of him. Anyway. Do what you need to do. I only want the best for you. This is a process for all of us. No one way is the right way for us all. I support you in everything you do trying to move onward.
I had one of the worst days ever yesterday. And still the panic attacks every nite 3;00-3:30. Today I notice my hands shake uncontrollably. I don’t understand the price I am paying for this person. Why ? Why is this happening to me, to you to us all. Where is the short circuit. He is gone. Why these residuals. Why the suffering. They are gone. Why can’t the virus be gone too.
I don’t understand why my mind is working against me, or why my heart races, or why I am so depressed. I know he is horrible. I know I do not want him back. I just don’t know why this pain and depression lingers and attacks me even when I’m asleep.

andi

Oh, you have just described my last 24 hours exactly!! The waking in panic at 3.00am, the shaking hands, the depression. Like you I know he is despicable but in my unguarded moments I long to have what I thought I had. I have to remind myself that it never really existed – it was a lie.

emtuoba

Andi
Wonder what the 3 am thing is. More than you and I are waking at 3 am. Is it part of a normal sleep cycle ? Somehow waking up already and the added stress just kicks it into over drive.
The shaking hands I have no idea.
I’m past the wanting him back. I wanted the original guy back. The first one. Not the one that returned from the first abandonment. He never was the same guy I first met and fell in love with. So this time. With the knowledge I have gotten here I do not mourn his loss anymore. But there is a fear. PTSD maybe. Someone mentioned that leads to other anxieties. Maybe it does. I do isolate on days I am not working. I was horribly depressed yesterday. I don’t know. It’s just difficult anyway I look at it.

andi

I’m here now at 2.08 in the morning (UK) having slept for half an hour and woken again by the pain in the pit of my stomach. I’ve been lying here wondering about ways to commit suicide because I don’t think I can take this. I’d just retired to spend more time with him, and we were planning a wonderful future together. I thought we were so happy and I’d just picked him up from hospital following a prostate removal when I found he’d had sex with another woman just the day before he’d gone in to hospital. Once his cover was blown all the fault was mine – I didn’t kiss him properly, didn’t have sex with him often enough, didn’t spend enough time with him, didn’t dress the way he wanted me to ( short skirts and suspenders…). I was immediately ‘ vaporised’ and he cut me out of his life completely, moving the other woman into his house the very next day.
I have always been so strong and confident and now I’m like a child, flailing around without a purpose, terrified of the future.

emtuoba

Pretty much the same story for me. We had a 5 year plan 4 days before he left. Same thing. The sex was not often enough or kinky enough. He also wanted short skirts and black stockings and high heels. He wanted me to tease him. Right. Work 24 hours. Change out of my uniform and go out into the garage where he spent most of his time and tease him. I’m so sorry Andi. Mine moved in with the other woman and announced a week later that he was getting married. Wish we could all go out to lunch or brunch. Have a girls night out. Wish we didn’t have to meet like this. Wish we were all happier and moving on faster. Wish we never had these stories to tell. Hope your having a better day.

emtuoba

14 hours. Hahaha. I could never make 24 this late in the game.

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