Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Caitlyn.”
I was being lied to for about 6 months by the guy I had been dating.
He was very charming, great sense of humor, and seemed to be very caring and genuine. Always told me I was beautiful and after about a month or so he loves me and is in love with me!
Red flag number one! Why did he say those words that soon!!?
I chose to ignore it because he seemed different and the chemistry was great. He also said things to make me think we were soul mates and we were going to have a future.
Away a lot
He is an otr trucker so he’s gone a lot. We’ve gone out of town a few times, dated, etc. but I started to feel that something wasn’t right because he seemed to always be working on weekends and was very distant on weekends. I had never met his family or friends and I feel we didn’t go out or do things as much as we should.
I had purchased tickets to a show and he said he could go. I gave him advance notice. He cancelled a few days before and said he had to work but it turns out he was with another woman and her family.
I confronted him and at first he denied even knowing the woman until i told him there were pics on facebook posted on the same day of the show we were supposed to be at.
He isn’t on facebook but his brother is so I started browsing his brother’s page. I looked at his friends list and saw the woman’s page and she had several pics of herself with the guy I was dating so it looks like they’ve been together for quite some time, at least since last year and on our very first date he said he’d been single a year…LIE!
A fiance
I also think he’s engaged to her as I found unfinished wedding registries online. I asked about that and he said there was an engagement but not anymore, which I feel is still a lie since in her pics there is a ring on her finger but he said I was jumping to conclusions and its not what I think.
Said he was sorry and should’ve told me he was going to her family thing. Made it seem as if she’s just a friend. Said he was beating himself up about this and felt he needed help and to talk to someone.
He tried to make me feel sorry for him but I felt this was bull and that he was only sorry I caught him. He lied about his whereabouts!
Why do I feel bad?
But why do I feel so bad as if I was wrong!??
His entire demeanor changed after that the “I love you’s” stopped, he didn’t seem as “warm and fuzzy” anymore, and I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months now.
I also found out he had an online dating profile and he said he wasn’t on there to meet women and he was just on there playing a game! More lies!! You can use phone apps to play games!! I can see he hasn’t been on that in weeks now either since I confronted him.
So I guess shouldn’t feel this way but why do I feel like his fiance is the lucky one? He’s cheated on her and lied to her too. I should not feel like he’s now going to be this better person for her since he stopped talking to me but he changed his number.
He called me the last few times from a restricted number with this bogus story of how he lost his phone. If that’s the case, why is it still disconnected? I’m sure if that was true he could have gotten a new phone with the same number!!
What a cheater!
In the last few weeks I’ve found out his track record with women hasn’t been good. He was married for 11 years once and had 2 kids with different women other than his wife during that time, so he has 4 kids with 4 different women. 2 of his kids are the exact same age!!! What a cheater!!
He seems to be a sociopath the way that he lies and doesn’t seem to care that it’s hurtful. I should feel lucky to be free with all I’ve found out lately, but I feel like it’s tearing me up!!!!
He’s a criminal, liar, and cheater. I found out he’s on probation for stealing a car!!! He never told me that either.
He’s also had other run-ins with the law and has no respect for authority. He also beat a guy at a truck stop with a baseball bat and broke his arm. He didn’t seem to feel bad about it either.
I had feelings for this person and it was a fake person as he wasn’t genuine at all!!!
He took my choice from me. I would have never gotten involved with someone who is already involved. I beat myself up and am depressed because of the deceit. Will the pain end!???
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He painted a future, telling me how we were going to make this work
The pain will end, darling. I dealt with the end of my sociopathic affair by viewing it as a death. I allowed myself to go through all of the stages ancillary to loss, am seeing a therapist, am very close to my family, whom I had to explain this type of person to. And, sweetheart, I tell myself all the time that I am thankful I’m not the baby mama whom he had pregnant at the time he told me he wanted to be with me. I AM the lucky one and so are you!
I’m thankful I never got pregnant too! Seems every time this guy got a woman pregnant he left. He’s not in his kids lives like he should be. I’m also seeing a therapist and it helps along with this site.
it is a death. only they dont stay dead long enough. They keep coming back. this is my second goo round with my N. hope he stays figuatively DEAD this time. I have to put an end to the madness. Best of luck to you sweetie. Best of luck to us all.
Why do they block or change their numbers after they are caught? Is it because they were caught!? I don’t see how a long pattern of cheating and lying could change but the way this guy dissapeared by saying he lost his phone when he probably changed his number makes it seem as if all of a sudden now he’s going to be faithful with his “fiance” that he’s already been cheating on. People don’t change at the flip of a switch but the way some of them act after getting caught makes no sense but again this is a liar!
Consider yourself very lucky that you found out before you became more involved. They pretend to be who they are not to hook you, once you are hooked, they toy with you. The emotional roller coaster ride is hell. You fell for a persona that does not exist. You are very, very lucky to find out early. Please read all the articles on this site and the recommended books so that you understand that it is not you, it is them & to them, you are just a game.
Yes Denise logically I know I was lucky to figure him out after six months but I don’t fully feel it yet. I remember some of the things he used to say to me like “I would never hurt you” and “I have no reason to lie to you” and last but not least “I have nothing to hide”. Funny because he did hurt me, he had every reason in the world to lie, and he had plenty to hide! I even found myself questioning me asking what does she have that I don’t and why was he playing this game of pathological lies. But I think the more appropriate question is why would I want to lower my standards and settle to want someone like this to want me.
I expect you didn’t want to lower your standards at all. Like any other addictive thing, we connect in a subconscious or physiological way, and that leads us to ignore many things that would be dealbreakers if they fully registered with us or were consciously considered. And it’s easy to get sucked into wanting to win if we’re diverted from considering whether we actually want the prize.
There are ways in which we bond and react to having that bond threatened that would seem to make a lot more sense if we were part of a small tribal group than our current society. There’s a pressure to find and keep a partner that may be wired into us far more deeply than is actually necessary or fits with our conscious decisions. It helps to understand ourselves and how our impulses pull us away from what we truly want and value, so we can break the spell.
There is no logic in your scenario. You are dealing with a deranged mind. If you “understood” his deranged behavior you would also need to be deranged. Since you are normal you thankfully do not understand. Please do yourself a favor and believe what you read on this site. There are many more like him and now, you know. That.is.all.
damn same things mine said to see. your crazy, your so negative, you always expect the worse you are suffocating me.. he couldnt tell the truth if the truth was easier. with all the excuses for why he came home late or not at all i fully expected a sunami to hit him next and we live 500 miles inland.
you are lucky. it took me years to figure out what was even wrong. I thought I was crazy or going crazy.
Caitlyn, this is very similar to what happened to me in 2008. I was lucky enough to find out his fraud after only 3 months, but it still took a long time to recover. Stay strong and stay away from him – no looking for him on FB, etc. Enlist spiritual help or energy work anywhere you can find it and ask to have his energy removed from your system. You will need to grieve, and it’s very painful, but at a certain point, you will know you are on the way to recovery.
I am 7 years out of that relationship and have a really wonderful boyfriend now. You will get through this and will be okay, too. Please hold that intention for yourself as you recover.
My best to you,
Star
Thanks Stargazer! I’m taking it one day at a time; some days are better than others. I haven’t been on Facebook lately and I also have not heard from him so I hope he stays AWAY! The bad days can be overwhelming. I almost think I have fallen into a low grade depression. You mentioned about spiritual healing, what kind of process did you go thorough for this?
great for you star gazer. I am happy for you.
Thanks Stargazer! I’m taking it one day at a time; some days are better than others. I haven’t been on Facebook lately and I also have not heard from him so I hope he stays AWAY! The bad days can be overwhelming. I almost think I have fallen into a low grade depression. You mentioned about spiritual healing, what kind of process did you go thorough for this?
I’m so glad he’s out of your life. I unfortunately have a child with my ex husband of 10 years and I still have to deal with him. God help me.
That’s the biggest problem isn’t it?
Once you are really entwined with a SP, it seems as if you can never get them out of your life.
You have a child with one. My own son is one. What can we do now??
What a life….
I’m starting to feel glad that he’s gone too. Took me a while and I still have the hurt feelings but as the days go on it gets a little better. I’m sorry you still have to deal with your ex. I often think about his ex-wife and the other women who had his kids and I feel sorry for them because they still have to see him…3 kids all under the age of 11 and 3 women who still have to put up with him!
These men play by the same rules, same playbook. I am reading the stories on this site and they all sound so familiar like I am reading what happened to me. All I have to say is, it was the worst time in my life and I am forty something, never cried and beat myself in my entire life the way I did while I was dating the evil and when he callously left one day and told me with no shame that he has found another one and they have so much in common and they have been intimate for a month while he was with me and another woman finally he confessed before he always told me he is not seeing anybody and I have a vivid imagination, he had nothing to lose he wanted to discard me at that point . I am not envious of the new female/females in his life I am thinking that this poor soul is so happy now and in “love” but in a matter of few months or a year is going to go through what I have been through pure hell. I wish I could warn her that he is married has two kids, he made four other women pregnant has more kids and never paid child support his passport is confiscated his wife is supporting him now while he is on many dating sites cheating and lying to her on a daily bases, I could tell her all I know but I have to stay silent and watch him destroy another persons dream for his selfish reasons so sad that people like him get rewarded by being evil.
Vash one of the biggest things I’ve been struggling with lately is how they seem to get away with all of this. The guy I described in the letter seems to have a “convict” mentality as he thinks he’s too smart to get caught. He even told me this once when we were having a conversation about something. He thinks the laws don’t apply to him. He’s committed crimes and assaulted people as I explained and seems to get away with it…same way with the women he has hurt he gets away with it and it just angers me. When this first happened I used to feel jealous of the fiance’ but now as time goes on I think I should pray for her because she probably thinks he is the best thing ever and doesn’t know what he is up to!
Caitlyn,you said it correctly that these “dark souls” feel above the law and feel entitled they do think that they are smart because they are getting away for so long. Sometimes I feel that it’s our fault us women that we trust and get attached so easily and let these creatures use us.we look the other way when we see the red flags I saw the red flags but chose to ignore it that’s why I blame myself for what happened .Last I saw him was seven months ago, deep inside I am happy he is gone but to my own surprise there are times that I miss him as you said it well” Will the pain end!???” I am waiting.There are few good books in addition to this site that have helped me not to go insane. one is Dark souls and another one is psychopath free in addition I have read other books to help me how to heal, one that has been very helpful is getting past your breakup. Every time I get teary eyes I read one of the books I mentioned.
Caitlyn I want my guys fiancé after only leaving me 10 days ago to be abducted by Aliens. I couldn’t care less about her. She is a home wrecker. Knew what she was doing and did it anyway. If anything she is sicker than he is and he will feel like I do when she is done with him. Half of her desire for him was to hurt me. Well she is the winner. Now I say to her “live with your prize. “
I feel your pain. Some days i get very angry because this whole thing made me feel inadequate in some way and depressed. As i posted somewhere else on here i have a GREAT therapist. She has helped me tremendously. She turns on light bulbs in my head that make me realize ok i should be really glad he’s gone!!! Also with my guy being the cheater he is and being an otr trucker in and out of truck stops and wherever else women are that i would never be able to discover really disgusts me. So this kind of gets me through sometimes because i deserve better and so do you!!!! He used to tell me when i first met him that he would never open his door at a truck stop if a girl knocked because he’s not going to pay for sex. I believed it then but knowing what i know now he probably would. If he’s online looking for god knows what why woukd he turn a woman down at a truck stop!? As my therapist said keep educating yourself on these types! Hoping we all get through this and never have to deal with another one
He also used to tell me he would never lie to me or never hurt me. And we see now and know that was bull so the “never” opening his door at a truck stop is bull too the way i see it!!!
One thing for certain is that they are academy award winning liars. Mine said I don’t need to worry. Everything is fine. I’m only imagining things. He would never lie or hurt me either. Bull crap. If his lips were moving he was lying.
I’m having trouble with the ground hog day effect. Get big and strong reading on this site, & hanging with family for Thanksgiving. But as darkness falls I begin to panic, and second guess. By morning I’ve forgotten the answers and strengths I learned the day prior and I have to start over. And God help me come Friday. I have to go back to my home still full of his things and start all over. What a nightmare.
I feel like a betrayed child who opened her heart wide and in innocent trust and wonder. When I was cruelly discarded, it hurt all the way back to my early childhood. That is the only way I can describe the pain. It is as if he had some intuitive “gift” of sensing the broken places in my innocence and pounced upon each and every one slashing them open and reinjuring them violently. I am inquiring now about the pain and how to heal because they are not wounds originally caused by him, just unresolved issues from long ago.
I have broken free from this and I hope my words inspire you and everyone else reading this that you can break free too.This is very difficult to recover from however as has been written above in the comment written by the person calling themselves waking up, it all about us and healing our childhood. I am a recovered Narcissist/ Psychopath Co- dependent addict. As a sensitive and empathic person I befriended one narcissist after another and kept compromising my own needs to try and help them. Whenever I needed anything they would disappear until I was back supporting them.I finally became addicted to a psychopath. No one has ever broken my heart in the way he did. Each time he hurt me I used Emotional Freedom Technique and Matrix Reimprinting to heal my childhood wounds. It even took me back into past lives I had had with him that I needed to heal. It also involved energy work to remove his energy from my body.He kept coming back into my life until I used this combination of healing work.I had been beginning to think I was never going to break free from emotional bond I had with him. As a result of this healing I am now repelled by Narcissistic and Psychopathic behavior. I feel free for the first time in my life and have found self worth which means I can set strong boundaries. I no longer feel the need to rescue others and attract people with love and respect.I now work on Skype and one to one with these techniques helping others to break free. If you would like more information about how you can break free please feel free to e-mail at teresanorrisbefree@yahoo.co.uk
Yay! Good girl. You didn’t marry him and you have your whole life ahead of you!
Imagine if you had married him and got pregnant on your honeymoon and he abused you in every way shape and form and slept around with anyone and everyone (including your MALE cousin) and….well you’ll just have to read my book because we can be victims or we CAN RISE ABOVE!
Yeah, rise above, angel.
And please pray for me and my kids because this psycho isn’t finished with us yet (he’s getting worse and he’s too old and ugly to find another victim) Twenty fours years of this shit. But at least I kept my babies safe!
Remember, the devil seeks out to destroy good, so when you have been targeted by evil consider yourself “Nil Nisi Bonum” (nothing but good)
Take care, warn others and
God bless.
Rosie, I will pray for you and everyone else in contact with these people. I know it’s tough but keep your focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. That gave me the strength to maintain the no contact rule as he was determined to get me back in his life. That as well as healing my childhood trauma. I focus on what I want even with the few narcissists I can’t completely avoid in life. I also cleanse my energy by sending it down into the ground (in my mind) as well as theirs and bring in light and angels when I am around them to create a more positive outcome and keep me safe.
Love and healing hugs. xxx
Thanks For your reply! Grief and anger are still very present with me from my situation as explained in the letter. Thought i was getting better. Maybe its the holidays bringing it all back to the surface. Keep thinking that he must have some level of love, care, respect, or consideration for his “fiance” since he’s with her. But then logically how can this be true? Did he love and respect her when he was with me spending time with me, telling me he loved me, and taking me out of town. Did he love and respect her when he set up the dating profiles online offering to take women to dinner? I know the answer is no but i still feel something has to be there. I honestly think it has to be that she just doesn’t know the lies and the cheating ways and he’s gotten away with it because she doesn’t know…is that really it? He swings from woman to woman and does this before the last woman is all the way gone. Before his divorce from his second wife was completed he was already living with another woman. Left his wife with a newborn baby might i add. Told me the wife was cheating because he was always on the road and they grew apart-LIE. The child is his and being on the road had nothing to do with it because his ex wife has re- married another otr trucker this past june. So he lied about that probably because he was cheating!!! The woman he lived with when he left his then wife he was with for about 3 years and while he was with her he found the fiance he’s with now so he left the woman he was living with for the current fiance. Said the woman he was living with was crazy, didn’t want to work, accused him of cheating-LIE. I think he said all this about her because just like me she found out about this woman he’s with now. I can’t help but think why is he with this woman? But again i know its because she doesn’t know or want to believe who he really is. Me and the ex he was living with figured it out so this has to be why he left her and why he dissapeared from me. Hope i can snap out of this mood I’m in today.
I have a very similar story as well. It has been horrible. He was, the perfect man at first. After 3 months I started noticing something isn’t right. But, every time we broke up I always initiated the contact to get back together. The last break up was on July 4. That had to be the absolute weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. Everything was very strange with what he did. Anyway. I have not initiated any contact with him since. I have not heard from him. I have seen him driving close to where I live a few times. Which is strange, because we live an hour apart. I figured he was dating someone close to me. Anyway, what I don’t know is, is it now actually over? Will & has he officially moved on? I would so like to know what to or not expect. For some strange reason, I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, which feels really weird. I don’t think I am afraid of him, but I am fearful of him. I can’t explain it. Other than it is related to what happened on July 4 when we broke up that night. It was just plain bizarre. Could someone please comment as to if this guy has actually moved on? I would love to know. I do wish we could post photos of our guy, gal on a websigte just for the reason of alerting others to who we dealt with that we had this horrible experience with so others could see them. I have no doubt my ex guy is talking to women all over the US. I wish I would have known ahead of time. And, Caitlyn, I so understand how you feel now that the holidays are here. All I could do today is just sleep. And it’s been almost 5 months. I still have nightmares about him. Just weird. Thank You!
Elaine- yes the holidays suck big time. I think in my head ok 1 down 3 more to go ( christmas, new years, valentines) these are torture at times like this. Just can’t wrap my mind around how he could be so evil. In my past before this guy i had been guilty of not asking questions. But with him from day one i asked him was he single, how long was he single, anyone else he was interested in, where were we going with the relationship, etc. I asked or brought this things up several times and everytime i got lies EVERY single time!!! Thats the scary part because now I think everything everyone says to me now is a lie. One thing I remember when this first happened and i went to my therapist i said to her ” I don’t understand why he just couldn’t tell the truth when i confronted him with proof of that woman” and she said “you’re asking him to be an honest person and thats NOT who he is”
Boy was she right!!!
Elainedu,
Spaths don’t usually ‘move on’ because they were never bonded in the first place. It is all fake with them. They are known to ‘come back’ and try to exploit previous victims whenever they want something and they think they can successfully engage and exploit again. They do this when they are bored, need a place to stay, want sex, etc.
You can expect him to reappear even decades later, to see what he can get from you. Consider being prepared not to believe whatever lies he may tell you in the future if he tries to suck you in again. No Contact Forever provides protection against being revictimized.