Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Claudette.”
My problem is the same as many other whose lives have been sucked into that of a sociopath.
I met mine about this time last year. My long-term relationship has broken down and I was feeling unhappy, lonely and vulnerable. He seemed like everything I could ever have wanted charming, funny, affectionate then loving and very sexy. He would send me loads of texts telling me how much he wanted me and then how much he loved me and that we were perfect together and amazing in bed and out.
I left my home and got a flat so that I could be with him crazy I know but it seemed so right. My former partner was very upset and worried for me as he said he felt this guy was player.
Two months down the line, he cancelled a date suddenly and I smelled a rat. I went round to his house and his ex-girlfriend, who had been sniffing around for some weeks, was there.
I finished with him and did the no contact for months and months.
At Christmas, when I felt confident that I was over him, he sent me a Merry Christmas message. That started a text exchange that developed into some intimate declarations, him saying how bad he felt and how he still wanted me. I felt myself being pulled back in and I felt the same exhilaration and despair as I had before.
After a month of me refusing to meet him the texts started dwindling. Then I had the epiphany! Nothing had changed, how could it?
And that was my saving grace. I realised he would of course NEVER change and we could never have a normal relationship he’s a sociopath!!!
From that moment I was free and more happy than I’ve been for months.
So it can be done and I would say to anyone struggling to get over one of these toxic relationships that you can get your life back. You are worth so much more than the person ever made you feel.
Why do some people take pleasure in cruelty?
rgc112063
so Claudette, did this affect your former relationship?
freedom15
I so needed to read this today. I have kept NC for well over a week now. There hasn’t been anything from him either so that is a good thing. One of the last things he said to me was, “This is not goodbye”. So of course that leads me to believe that he will eventually contact me. I have completely blocked him so I will not know if he does contact me unless he can somehow leave a message on my cell.
I have an appointment this evening close to where he lives. I have been telling myself all day to not drive by. I have to make myself go to my appointment and leave there and go home.
I am ready for the day where I don’t even think about this anymore. I don’t want to be with him now but there is that nagging feeling of just see if he is there or not…
steps
freedom, I have had the same interaction with my ex. I have had NC for 3-4 months which is great–no chaos, drama or lies to deal with on a daily basis. I am proud of myself for blocking him.
However, I am worried that he will come around when I least expect and so there is a still weird hold on my psyche.
It’s great to be working towards the day where he will not be a thought in my mind. But the anxiety is also hard to get away from”.
freedom15
Steps, I fell of the wagon. The very next day after I posted, he call. Left a message on my cell, I listened to it. That weird hold you spoke about it still there and I don’t know how to shake it.
flicka
These “ex” sociopaths will always be imprinted on your collective memories but your memories will not continue to be so emotion-filled. They will be rightfully put into one of your many learning experiences of what to avoid.
steps
freedom15, it’s a tough situation. did you call him back? even hearing his voice can trigger emotion. one of the best kinds of “revenge” is to move on with your life and succeed in all areas, which is likely something that would not be possible with a sp.
staying strong and keeping NC is really, really hard. flicka, i agree that over time the memories will be less emotional. it’s just hard in the moment to remember that.
and freedom15, he’s only going to bring you down in the long run. stay strong, you can do it.
freedom15
I did worse than listen to it. Without going into to much detail, let’s just say I really fell off the wagon.
steps
freedom15, I’ve been there… most of us probably have. In the back of my mind I wonder if I a have a hope that one day he’ll tell me this was all a big misunderstanding and he’s a better person.
It took many tries (and fails) for me to block him… I hope you’re doing ok and not being too hard on yourself.
freedom15
I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I am upset with myself that I have yet again allowed this to happen. I know that nothing will change so why do I do this? What is weird about this time (he hasn’t contacted me in 24 hrs), is that I am not all emotional about it. I guess I know the drill and knew exactly what he was looking for and wanted. That is what I am upset the most about.