LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A broken military system, a simple request

Editor’s Note: Kathleen Mills first contacted Lovefraud in September 2006 about her military husband, who she believes is a sociopath. He filed for divorce, deployed to Iraq and refused to pay her the financial support that by law, military families are entitled to receive.

A year ago Kathy sued the Ohio National Guard and the governor of Ohio. “My situation is still the same,” she wrote last week. “My husband is still committing BAH fraud, with the open knowledge not only of the Guard, but the governor’s office.”

Kathy Mills is editor of the divorce section of She has been invited to testify before the House Armed Services sub-committee. The following is excerpted from her open letter to legislators, military commanders and concerned taxpayers.

Military families at risk—the unrecognized battlefront

Many sacrifices are made by members of our Armed Forces during times of war, civil unrest or national distress, and whenever our great country has the need. And the sacrifices made by these military service members are made equally by the spouses and children of our military families.

Military families are a special breed. They have signed up to sacrifice any hope—in many cases, for life—of an ordinary existence. They often live without the presence of their service member spouse as parent and partner. They often live in fear as their spouses deploy to dangerous areas. They often endure the difficulty of dealing with spouses suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the related difficulties that condition brings.

Despite these difficulties and sacrifices, one thing military spouses count on is that they and their children will be taken care of financially in spite of losses or suffering. The unfortunate fact is, too many of them end up abandoned by their soldier spouse and must then face another battle—largely unseen and often fruitless—to receive the support promised them by law.

Scope of the problem

Even the most heroic soldier and his/her spouse may find themselves estranged at some point. Some of these soldiers choose to continue supporting their families, but many do not. The fact is, every day, on military bases and in off-base homes around the country, abandoned military spouses and children struggle to meet their basic financial needs. Though the Army has measures in place to address these types of situations, the relevant regulations are being neither applied nor enforced. The Army isn’t unique; this problem of spousal/family abandonment exists in every branch of the Armed Forces.

Soldiers receive special extra pay to support their families, such as Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) and Family Separation Pay (FSP). Unfortunately, in cases of abandonment, the funds are misused when soldiers who receive the pay they’re entitled to withhold the proper share from their families and keep the money for their own use. It is a common problem.

Obstacles and challenges

Marriage is a difficult proposition under the best of circumstances. In the case of military marriages, the challenges can be even more overwhelming. While estrangement and separation are at least as common among military families as among civilians, one difference is highly significant. A spouse whose military member husband/wife is deployed in the service of the United States cannot, by law, sue to end the marriage—no matter what the circumstances. On the other hand, a soldier who wishes to leave a marriage has two options:

1) He/she can sue for and obtain a divorce, or

2) He/she can simply abandon a spouse and children and continue to benefit from the government monies legally allocated to help support the family.

Despite existing laws, strong public support, and the endorsement of government officials, support for many abandoned military spouses and children is simply not forthcoming when it is petitioned for. Protection without enforcement is no protection at all. A spouse who seeks appropriate support monies faces a series of daunting obstacles to rectify the situation. And one obstacle is paramount: No soldier who receives BAH and FSP monies can be ordered to use them to support the family.

Fighting the battle on multiple fronts—the military system

Withholding BAH and/or FSP funds from a military spouse qualifies as spousal abuse under military law. Yet, proving such abuse is nearly impossible since no trial can be instituted for spousal abuse without the express permission and approval of each soldier’s commander. It is up to the commander to pre-determine that non-support is occurring and that government-supplied funds are being used for purposes other than those they are designated for. It is here that a hidden system works to override the official system.

Few statistics are kept concerning this issue. There is little backup for an individual spouse’s claim that this problem is not unique to her (or him). Specific challenges arise because:

  • Existing military laws are inadequate: Mandates are in place, but no soldier can be ordered to comply. For example, at the federal military level, military protection orders—by which abandoned spouses can receive redress—are granted in only 7% of cases.
  • Ethics and integrity regarding the military family’s needs are easily put aside as a consequence of the commanding officer’s desire to support the soldier.

Individual petitioners (abandoned spouses) who manage to learn the military system and persist in fighting may gain some relief. But the vast majority does not have the knowledge, time, and resources to do so. And relief for one determined spouse does not translate into help for the hundreds of others who have only the system to trust—and clearly the system doesn’t work. Additionally, the costs involved—including legal fees—are significant at a time when families are least able to afford such expenses.

The reality is that the military system “looks the other way” when it comes to military spousal abandonment.

Civil law protections

Civil laws exist to protect spouses from various types of abuse, including financial abandonment. At the state level, spouses who have the time, money and resources may appeal to the Civil Court.   Another factor comes into play—the revised Soldier Sailors Civil Relief Act, which can be used as a sword or a shield against or for military families.  The Civil Relief Act provides automatic 90-day civil court stays that soldiers can use to prevent judicial orders/hearings from being issued against them.  This situation leaves the military spouse unable to obtain civil court orders that could provide her financial support from the soldier and an ability for the commander to fully enforce regulations with the soldier.

A simple solution

In order to preserve the original intentions of spousal support law, model a new law upon the existing one that protects former spouses during divorces. The new law would be entitled “The Uniformed Services Spouse Protection Act (USSPA).” It would provide a simple system of checks and balances. It would smooth the process and end the frustration and suffering of abandoned military spouses and families. It would stop the waste of government time and money spent trying to enforce existing laws.

The law would simply provide that an estranged spouse who has a valid marriage certificate may petition DFAS directly for BAH/FSA income entitlements. From this single action, four major benefits would result:

  • End the agony of decision that military commanders face when asked to intervene to enforce support.
  • Save hours of paperwork by reducing or eliminating the incidence of BAH fraud.
  • Ensure that funds already approved by taxpayers are being used for their intended purpose
  • Eliminate the temptation for soldiers to profit from abandoning their spouses.

The good you will do

Passing this new law is good for America. It will save the thousands and thousands of dollars other government agencies must provide when family military pay is diverted from its rightful purposes. It will save the government the hours and hours now spent to manage the appeals of deserving spouses who are forced to chase after their legal entitlements.

And perhaps even more importantly, the new law will enhance the image of our country both at home and abroad. It will demonstrate that we, as a people, believe in backing our military forces in every way. And that includes standing behind our military families, recognizing the great sacrifices they make and ensuring they are not abandoned in their time of need.

If you would like more information, contact Kathy Mills at [email protected].

Comment on this article

38 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A broken military system, a simple request"

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Thank you for your support.

The soldier can be punished,IF the Commander chooses to do so.

My case went to COL Kennenth Tovo,now GEN Tovo,who chose to look the other way. DD Inspector General is now investagating these decisions.

Most Commanders are busy running a war. The spouse is not a priority,especially to moniter the sociopath failure to comply,by IG suggestions. Remember,no one can order a soldier to pay,they can only punish him for not paying(personal decision).

A CHANGE in DoD policy is required.

Its not a fraud to take money if your married…it is fraud to sign DD Form 5960,saying you are providing support,while not doing it.


Hi everyone,

I have been reading all of your posts for quite some time. I am so grateful for all of your comments. I have learned so much.

I read this article and was compelled to write a post. My husband is in the national guard and has served in both Iraq and Afghanistan. His sociopath ex wife took full advantage of his deployments. During the first one, she got credit cards in her name with my husbands social secruity number, called Tricare (military health insurance) and stated that they were still married and sent in old court documents showing that they were seperated. When they question her as to who I was she told then I was their daughter even though I am older than my husband. to make a long story short my health insurance was suspended pending an inverstigation becuase two women were calling in claiming to be married to the same man. The list goes on and on.

Any law instituted against a soldier can be potentially devastating. I have heard and seen the horrors of war with military spouses taking the entire paycheck and blowing the money and not paying any bills. This is very common. The soldiers come home to nothing but debt far worse then what it was when they left. BAH is the only funds that is required to go to the spouse. If the soldier is in a combat zone and the commander finds out it is not, there will be major repricussions on that soldiers. I dont know of anyone who would dare risk this.

Sociopathy is a two way street. there are military spouses and ex spouses that will make the soldiers life miserble while fighting a war on the other side of the planet. My husbands ex wife underestimated me. I had my husbands back the entire time he was gone.


Katt – i can get a bit grim dealing day in and day out with the devastating consequences I face having tangled with the spath.

And your last line in you above post just made me smile and erased the grim for a second, because of the love it expressed.

‘I had my husbands back the entire time he was gone. ‘


I’m not going to comment further on the BAH issue, but I agree with you that the other case, totally unrelated, is very interesting.

Williams is one talented Sociopath. Imagine what he could accomplish if he used his powers for good.


I am not seeking a Law against a soldier. I am seeking a law to protect a military spouse from being abandoned”legally”,by a soldier.

The Army has just implemented the Abandoned Spouse Hotline in Korea. This is a pilot program. Spousal abandonment is thought to be a worldwide problem. Not my words,the Army’s.

If a soldier fill out a DD Form 5960,and is not providing the support-then the spose can petition DFAS directly,until a final divorce.

It prevents soldier fraud-and spousal abandonment for money.

It will take away any incentive to have a spouse,then abandon the spouse while collecting extra money.

Soldiers need to protect themselves from spouses,as you mention.

However its comparing apples/oranges.

I appreciate your support


my name is brandylyn – i have been fighting with the military for my rights as a spouse since my enlisted husband left me pregnant with our son in 2006

i can say from personal experience that spouses will have to fight tooth and nail for things which really matter.
i personally had to file an IG complaint against my husband to have our son placed on insurance for the first time as a three year old

now, five years after we were married i am writing weekly letters to the first shirt, wing commander and others begging for a divorce

the military can make my husband lace his boots and fold his briefs a certain way, but they cannot make him file for divorce when he’s had a secret spouse?

i will continue to fight but the wisdom i want to impart is – the military’s solution to a problem is to shoot it
i’m still kicking and kicking hard, you just have to be willing to go through mystifying levels of BS and crawl back from under the rug where they sweep you

military spouse abandonment isn’t just a problem in Korea and across seas, it is a very real thing on the homefront and i hope i can stand up for those of us experiencing it

(i also want to mention that kathy mills was a huge driving force behind my son recieving his dependant insurance, i learned a great deal from her – it’s my own fault that i had to gain inner personal strength to put it all to use now)

Keep fighting!!
I’m not familiar with any military issues……other than what I’ve read here on LF….so I can’t speak directily to this topic.
But….I can speak to finghting for what is right and just!
Your son deserves to be taken care of by what is rightfully HIS! You too!
So….damn it girl…..KEEP UP THAT INNER PERSONAL STRENGTH….and don’t stop until you get what you deserve and need!!!!
That….I can speak to !

And something tells me you are and will continue.

I wish you the best and much strength…..and just when you feel you can't write another letter or make another phone call…..I give send you the mojo to SHOW UP on the doorstep!


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