Editor’s Note: Kathleen Mills first contacted Lovefraud in September 2006 about her military husband, who she believes is a sociopath. He filed for divorce, deployed to Iraq and refused to pay her the financial support that by law, military families are entitled to receive.
A year ago Kathy sued the Ohio National Guard and the governor of Ohio. “My situation is still the same,” she wrote last week. “My husband is still committing BAH fraud, with the open knowledge not only of the Guard, but the governor’s office.”
Kathy Mills is editor of the divorce section of www.4militaryfamilies.com. She has been invited to testify before the House Armed Services sub-committee. The following is excerpted from her open letter to legislators, military commanders and concerned taxpayers.
Military families at risk—the unrecognized battlefront
Many sacrifices are made by members of our Armed Forces during times of war, civil unrest or national distress, and whenever our great country has the need. And the sacrifices made by these military service members are made equally by the spouses and children of our military families.
Military families are a special breed. They have signed up to sacrifice any hope—in many cases, for life—of an ordinary existence. They often live without the presence of their service member spouse as parent and partner. They often live in fear as their spouses deploy to dangerous areas. They often endure the difficulty of dealing with spouses suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the related difficulties that condition brings.
Despite these difficulties and sacrifices, one thing military spouses count on is that they and their children will be taken care of financially in spite of losses or suffering. The unfortunate fact is, too many of them end up abandoned by their soldier spouse and must then face another battle—largely unseen and often fruitless—to receive the support promised them by law.
Scope of the problem
Even the most heroic soldier and his/her spouse may find themselves estranged at some point. Some of these soldiers choose to continue supporting their families, but many do not. The fact is, every day, on military bases and in off-base homes around the country, abandoned military spouses and children struggle to meet their basic financial needs. Though the Army has measures in place to address these types of situations, the relevant regulations are being neither applied nor enforced. The Army isn’t unique; this problem of spousal/family abandonment exists in every branch of the Armed Forces.
Soldiers receive special extra pay to support their families, such as Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) and Family Separation Pay (FSP). Unfortunately, in cases of abandonment, the funds are misused when soldiers who receive the pay they’re entitled to withhold the proper share from their families and keep the money for their own use. It is a common problem.
Obstacles and challenges
Marriage is a difficult proposition under the best of circumstances. In the case of military marriages, the challenges can be even more overwhelming. While estrangement and separation are at least as common among military families as among civilians, one difference is highly significant. A spouse whose military member husband/wife is deployed in the service of the United States cannot, by law, sue to end the marriage—no matter what the circumstances. On the other hand, a soldier who wishes to leave a marriage has two options:
1) He/she can sue for and obtain a divorce, or
2) He/she can simply abandon a spouse and children and continue to benefit from the government monies legally allocated to help support the family.
Despite existing laws, strong public support, and the endorsement of government officials, support for many abandoned military spouses and children is simply not forthcoming when it is petitioned for. Protection without enforcement is no protection at all. A spouse who seeks appropriate support monies faces a series of daunting obstacles to rectify the situation. And one obstacle is paramount: No soldier who receives BAH and FSP monies can be ordered to use them to support the family.
Fighting the battle on multiple fronts—the military system
Withholding BAH and/or FSP funds from a military spouse qualifies as spousal abuse under military law. Yet, proving such abuse is nearly impossible since no trial can be instituted for spousal abuse without the express permission and approval of each soldier’s commander. It is up to the commander to pre-determine that non-support is occurring and that government-supplied funds are being used for purposes other than those they are designated for. It is here that a hidden system works to override the official system.
Few statistics are kept concerning this issue. There is little backup for an individual spouse’s claim that this problem is not unique to her (or him). Specific challenges arise because:
- Existing military laws are inadequate: Mandates are in place, but no soldier can be ordered to comply. For example, at the federal military level, military protection orders—by which abandoned spouses can receive redress—are granted in only 7% of cases.
- Ethics and integrity regarding the military family’s needs are easily put aside as a consequence of the commanding officer’s desire to support the soldier.
Individual petitioners (abandoned spouses) who manage to learn the military system and persist in fighting may gain some relief. But the vast majority does not have the knowledge, time, and resources to do so. And relief for one determined spouse does not translate into help for the hundreds of others who have only the system to trust—and clearly the system doesn’t work. Additionally, the costs involved—including legal fees—are significant at a time when families are least able to afford such expenses.
The reality is that the military system “looks the other way” when it comes to military spousal abandonment.
Civil law protections
Civil laws exist to protect spouses from various types of abuse, including financial abandonment. At the state level, spouses who have the time, money and resources may appeal to the Civil Court. Another factor comes into play—the revised Soldier Sailors Civil Relief Act, which can be used as a sword or a shield against or for military families. The Civil Relief Act provides automatic 90-day civil court stays that soldiers can use to prevent judicial orders/hearings from being issued against them. This situation leaves the military spouse unable to obtain civil court orders that could provide her financial support from the soldier and an ability for the commander to fully enforce regulations with the soldier.
A simple solution
In order to preserve the original intentions of spousal support law, model a new law upon the existing one that protects former spouses during divorces. The new law would be entitled “The Uniformed Services Spouse Protection Act (USSPA).” It would provide a simple system of checks and balances. It would smooth the process and end the frustration and suffering of abandoned military spouses and families. It would stop the waste of government time and money spent trying to enforce existing laws.
The law would simply provide that an estranged spouse who has a valid marriage certificate may petition DFAS directly for BAH/FSA income entitlements. From this single action, four major benefits would result:
- End the agony of decision that military commanders face when asked to intervene to enforce support.
- Save hours of paperwork by reducing or eliminating the incidence of BAH fraud.
- Ensure that funds already approved by taxpayers are being used for their intended purpose
- Eliminate the temptation for soldiers to profit from abandoning their spouses.
The good you will do
Passing this new law is good for America. It will save the thousands and thousands of dollars other government agencies must provide when family military pay is diverted from its rightful purposes. It will save the government the hours and hours now spent to manage the appeals of deserving spouses who are forced to chase after their legal entitlements.
And perhaps even more importantly, the new law will enhance the image of our country both at home and abroad. It will demonstrate that we, as a people, believe in backing our military forces in every way. And that includes standing behind our military families, recognizing the great sacrifices they make and ensuring they are not abandoned in their time of need.
If you would like more information, contact Kathy Mills at Kathy@kathleenmills.com.
Wow. You’re not going to believe this. OK, maybe you are. Here’s another broken system:
http://www.nwcn.com/home/Conviction-reveals-porn-drug-smuggling-operation-at-McNeil-Island-89300552.html
I am a Marine Corps veteran, and I’ve been married for 27 years to a Marine, now long retired.
During many of his years of service I served my fellow Marine spouses in various volunteer capacities. I found that when spouses were complaining about their service-member, it was very hard to figure out what the actual problem was.
In one case it appeared that the Marine had abandoned his poor wife and child in a remote trailer on the outskirts of Camp Lejuene with no means of support or transportation. (The Marine was deployed to the Persian Gulf region during the first Gulf war.) After his entire chain of command interrogated him thoroughly, and I had done a bit of research, it was revealed that his wife was a crack addict with a very young baby. He had set up an elaborate community support system to make sure his wife and child’s needs were being met, without actually providing her with anything she could use to buy or barter drugs with.
In other cases, it often seemed that junior enlisted men married young ladies who had very few life skills. When these Marines deployed, they would trek home with their wife and kids, depositing them with the Marine’s mother. Because the Marine’s permanent duty station had not changed, his military clause would not release him from his leased home near the base. He would have to continue paying rent on the apartment, plus whatever bills the family had relating to vehicle and furniture purchases/rentals. This happened a lot. Roughly 20% of the men’s wives would be shipped back to the Marine’s mother or her own mother during any given deployment. In a significant percentage of cases, the Marine sent money to his mother for his family’s maintenance, not to his wife. Fights between the mother and the wife were common. Trying to help the young woman get social services from several states away was very, very difficult. Each state was different. I spent untold hours trying to unravel each case.
I began strongly disagreeing with each young woman who permitted herself to be shipped back to Mama with her kids. I tried hard to convince them to learn some life skills, but many of them were from Evangelical, Charismatic, Southern Baptist or Fundamentalist backgrounds. They were convinced that only “sinful women” would live alone in a military town while hubby deployed. In their minds, spiritual and physical safety lay in returning to the cloistered situations they grew up in. Sadly, there were enough bimbos and tramps among the women who remained in town to make their point. Explaining to “good girls” from their background that one doesn’t necessarily have to behave badly when unsupervised was counter to their lifelong religious conditioning. They believed they had to be supervised in order to stay safely on the straight and narrow path.
In a nutshell: helping military spouses is harder than a well-educated, ethical, capable adult woman can easily understand. Among the military spouses who have serious conflicts with the military member, there are a significant number of women who are not prepared to take proper advantage of more entitlements, rights or privileges. They need considerable mentoring before they can function as independent adults. There are also a sprinkling of women who aren’t acting in good faith toward the military member or the military. These women don’t need another “stick” to beat their military man with. They need to be treated as the cluster Bs they are.
There are extensive Social Services on base designed to help military spouses. Military members and their dependents have good medical facilities available to them and extensive support networks both on base and off. I’m not saying it’s perfect, I’m saying it’s better than what most American citizens enjoy. The biggest problem I encountered in helping disenchanted military spouses was a lack of basic life skills on the part of the “victim”, coupled with a sociologically ingrained resistance to developing these skills. The second biggest problem was in discerning which of the unhappy ladies were exploitive, abusive or mentally ill, and which were actual victims.
I think the current balance of power between the spouse and the service member is appropriate. Giving the military spouse more power over the member’s finances than she currently enjoys is unwise. If you allow the member’s spouse to legally confiscate the money the member needs to pay the rent/mortgage, family car payment and furniture purchase/rental bills, then you’re exposing the military member to an unreasonable financial risk. The blunt truth is that many military spouses don’t financially qualify to borrow money to make major purchases or rent a home. It’s the service-member who is usually legally responsible for paying these bills that keep his family comfortable. To make him responsible, but remove the means by which he can meet the responsibility, is unethical and illogical.
PS:
These two statements are extremely problematic:
1. “Existing military laws are inadequate: Mandates are in place, but no soldier can be ordered to comply. For example, at the federal military level, military protection orders—by which abandoned spouses can receive redress—are granted in only 7% of cases. ”
Read the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice), then reread the above statement. Try to keep a straight face, even though it’s hard. (The statement is pure nonsense.)
2. “Ethics and integrity regarding the military family’s needs are easily put aside as a consequence of the commanding officer’s desire to support the soldier. ”
Pure opinion here, and counter to everything I’ve ever witnessed or experienced. My husband was once one of those Commanding Officers. He and his peers practically break themselves serving the needs of their Marines and families, while still accomplishing the mission. Furthermore, one only reaches the position of CO after a decade or so of mentoring from COs who have worked to the breaking point serving the needs of their Marines and families, while still accomplishing the mission.
There is no way that a civilian judge can possibly bring the same degree of insight, power to act or genuine personal interest to the problem of keeping a servicemember’s family safe and comfortable.
There’s a reason military wives are called, “dependants.” The system works very well to keep them that way. An excellant set-up for abuse and trauma bonding, and an excellent way of keeping the little lady in line!
I wasn’t issued to my career military husband in a duffel bag, and I got tired of being kept neatly folded up in one.
I got out, stretched, and learned how to live.
“I got out, stretched, and learned how to live. ”
I don’t agree that it’s “the system” that keeps dependent wives dependent. There are special challenges inherent in military life, but most dependent wives are not dependent personalities. Like you, they grow up and take charge of their own unique set of circimstances.
Elizabeth Conley- your post was very interesting. this is a world I know nothing about; thanks for educating me about some of the challenges people in the military system face.
Dear EC,
I should have know you were (are?) a Marine! LOL ( I think the marines are like “once in, always a marine?)
Your points are well taken, there are some problems in assuming that everyone who winds up “abandoned” has actually been mistreated. EACH CASE IS INDIVIDAUAL.
Unfortunately, individual handling of cases like these are not easy to do. “Social Situations” should be handled with some wisdom and compassion. I think your post makes that very clear. We need an ARMY of Elizabeths! Will you please step into the “replicator box” Elizabeth! (((hugs))))
Cut that out Ox Drover. Flattery will get you nowhere. I’m broke!
Seriously, each case IS individual.
Sociopaths are a pain in the rump, and better laws aren’t going to shut them down. Give them a better law, and they’ll just find new ways to break it or circumvent it.
Think of all the things in this world that are more expensive and inconvenient because some people are dishonest. That would be practically everything!!!
One of the things in my life that I’ve found extremely inconvenient is what I call the “presumption of dysfunctionalism”.
1. It has made it nearly impossible to make our various marital accounts and assets truly “joint”. No matter how we set things up, there’s always a standard procedure in place to “prevent us from cheating each other”, which makes taking care of business really, really inconvenient.
2. It has made getting medical care for our children an ungodly hassle.
A – We have to prove we’re actually the kids’ parents, and even provide the kids’ SSNs!!! (Like that’s always possible in a true emergency!!!)
B – We have to prove we didn’t injure the children. It seems like fanciful medical personnel are always imagining the worst. I grew up continually sun-burnt, with scabby knees and bruised shins. Now I shake with terror when I have to take my scabby, freckled, black and blue darlings to the doctor’s office.
C. We have to prove we aren’t neglecting the kids. It seems like every cavity and earache is grounds for suspicion. Heaven forfend I not make time to make them shower, shampoo and change into their Sunday best before an appointment. A bit of normal sweat and topsoil on a happy, scabby kid will cause a modern pediatrician to go into hysterics.
3. It makes our home-schooling something that must be continually justified and defended. (The popularity and prevalence of home-schooling fallacies is staggering.)
It’s the infamous acts of seriously disordered people, many of them sociopaths, that has caused the presumption of dysfunctionalism that frequently adds hassles to my day.
Whenever people seriously advocate changing laws and/or business practices to accommodate crazy and/or evil people, I tend to object.
Crazy people and Evil people are a boil on the backside of humanity that isn’t going to clear any time soon. It would be nice to be truly free of them, at least when they’re not actually present.
As a military wife who is a domestic violence survivor i WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with this post. BAH was also abused in my case, as was the move benefit and the military did NOTHING to enforce the rules. My abuser knew i desperately needed to get 2200 miles home to get away from him. He told me if i filed for divorce, he would ensure i would NOT get the move benefit. And he did just that. He moved 300 pounds of household goods, and used a DITY move to do it, purposely closing me out of all of the benefits to move home. I have spent 2 years recovering from abuse alone, 2200 miles from family. Now, despite a permanent restraining order, arrest warrant, contempt of court, and a lengthy history of domestic violence, my military abuser is back in the military again (different branch now). This man told me he intended to take a gun and shoot it into a crowd someday. I fully believe he will.
It is EXHAUSTING to stand alone as a military spouse and try to battle these issues. I wrote a letter and sent it off to 45 military and political heads. No change. I spoke with his direct supervisor, who simply went DIRECTLY TO my abuser to report the contact, and ended up with more death threats. Thousands of dollars in court. Nothing. I’ve achieved exhaustion for myself,and no change.
HR 840 is another bill on the floor now, put on by Rep Slaughter, and should be supported by all of us. It is meant to strengthen the support for domestic violence situations…
Military spouses are being ignored and victimized again by the system that is supposed to protect us, because we are isolated from one another, and because they can. We need to ban together. Please, let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to stand in support of your efforts. I am there!!!
http://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/basic-allowance-for-housing-rates
BAH fraud is when you claim dependents you do not have. It is BAH fraud to claim an ex-wife as a dependent. When the divorce if final, the service member must turn in the divorce decree.
The government takes BAH fraud very seriously. If you’re guilty, you’re prosecuted. On the other hand, if you’re not guilty the accuser is not entitled to know why the accusation didn’t turn out the way s/he expected. This is due to the service member’s constitutional right to privacy.
If the service member has dependents the accuser isn’t aware of, he may still be entitled to BAH. If the service member is paying more than a certain amount in child support, he will get a BAH diff. payment each month. The threshold isn’t particularly high, but it varies from pay grade to pay grade and duty station to duty station.
The BAH rules for reservists on active duty are enough to baffle even a Disbursing Officer. This is why there is a huge bank of manuals in the DO’s office. You can bet s/he consults them whenever the topic comes up. DOs are the kind of people who are driven to get things right consistently.
It can be infuriating for an angry spouse or ex-spouse to be told that the service-member’s CO considers her accusation that he’s committing BAH fraud to be laughable, and that said CO isn’t willing to talk about it any more.
The other side of the story is that the CO is incredibly busy, busier than most people will ever be in their entire lives. (This is what it means to be the CO.) If her case has no merit, then he is neither allowed nor inclined to infringe on the service member’s right to privacy in order to explain to her why her complaint has no merit. The more she hounds his subordinates, (also very busy), the less patience anyone at the command has with her. Fairly or unfairly, they begin to suspect that the service member is lucky to have escaped the harpy’s grasp.
If the service member is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath who has been toying with his ex-wife’s or wife’s marbles, then it’s natural that she would be very, very angry. Nonetheless, her anger doesn’t mean she’s right about the BAH, or that she should be given information protected by privacy laws. It just means she’s entitled to her anger, considering all she’s been through.
Sociopaths make their victims crazy, and not in a happy, fun loving way either.