Editor’s Note: Kathleen Mills first contacted Lovefraud in September 2006 about her military husband, who she believes is a sociopath. He filed for divorce, deployed to Iraq and refused to pay her the financial support that by law, military families are entitled to receive.
A year ago Kathy sued the Ohio National Guard and the governor of Ohio. “My situation is still the same,” she wrote last week. “My husband is still committing BAH fraud, with the open knowledge not only of the Guard, but the governor’s office.”
Kathy Mills is editor of the divorce section of www.4militaryfamilies.com. She has been invited to testify before the House Armed Services sub-committee. The following is excerpted from her open letter to legislators, military commanders and concerned taxpayers.
Military families at risk—the unrecognized battlefront
Many sacrifices are made by members of our Armed Forces during times of war, civil unrest or national distress, and whenever our great country has the need. And the sacrifices made by these military service members are made equally by the spouses and children of our military families.
Military families are a special breed. They have signed up to sacrifice any hope—in many cases, for life—of an ordinary existence. They often live without the presence of their service member spouse as parent and partner. They often live in fear as their spouses deploy to dangerous areas. They often endure the difficulty of dealing with spouses suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the related difficulties that condition brings.
Despite these difficulties and sacrifices, one thing military spouses count on is that they and their children will be taken care of financially in spite of losses or suffering. The unfortunate fact is, too many of them end up abandoned by their soldier spouse and must then face another battle—largely unseen and often fruitless—to receive the support promised them by law.
Scope of the problem
Even the most heroic soldier and his/her spouse may find themselves estranged at some point. Some of these soldiers choose to continue supporting their families, but many do not. The fact is, every day, on military bases and in off-base homes around the country, abandoned military spouses and children struggle to meet their basic financial needs. Though the Army has measures in place to address these types of situations, the relevant regulations are being neither applied nor enforced. The Army isn’t unique; this problem of spousal/family abandonment exists in every branch of the Armed Forces.
Soldiers receive special extra pay to support their families, such as Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) and Family Separation Pay (FSP). Unfortunately, in cases of abandonment, the funds are misused when soldiers who receive the pay they’re entitled to withhold the proper share from their families and keep the money for their own use. It is a common problem.
Obstacles and challenges
Marriage is a difficult proposition under the best of circumstances. In the case of military marriages, the challenges can be even more overwhelming. While estrangement and separation are at least as common among military families as among civilians, one difference is highly significant. A spouse whose military member husband/wife is deployed in the service of the United States cannot, by law, sue to end the marriage—no matter what the circumstances. On the other hand, a soldier who wishes to leave a marriage has two options:
1) He/she can sue for and obtain a divorce, or
2) He/she can simply abandon a spouse and children and continue to benefit from the government monies legally allocated to help support the family.
Despite existing laws, strong public support, and the endorsement of government officials, support for many abandoned military spouses and children is simply not forthcoming when it is petitioned for. Protection without enforcement is no protection at all. A spouse who seeks appropriate support monies faces a series of daunting obstacles to rectify the situation. And one obstacle is paramount: No soldier who receives BAH and FSP monies can be ordered to use them to support the family.
Fighting the battle on multiple fronts—the military system
Withholding BAH and/or FSP funds from a military spouse qualifies as spousal abuse under military law. Yet, proving such abuse is nearly impossible since no trial can be instituted for spousal abuse without the express permission and approval of each soldier’s commander. It is up to the commander to pre-determine that non-support is occurring and that government-supplied funds are being used for purposes other than those they are designated for. It is here that a hidden system works to override the official system.
Few statistics are kept concerning this issue. There is little backup for an individual spouse’s claim that this problem is not unique to her (or him). Specific challenges arise because:
- Existing military laws are inadequate: Mandates are in place, but no soldier can be ordered to comply. For example, at the federal military level, military protection orders—by which abandoned spouses can receive redress—are granted in only 7% of cases.
- Ethics and integrity regarding the military family’s needs are easily put aside as a consequence of the commanding officer’s desire to support the soldier.
Individual petitioners (abandoned spouses) who manage to learn the military system and persist in fighting may gain some relief. But the vast majority does not have the knowledge, time, and resources to do so. And relief for one determined spouse does not translate into help for the hundreds of others who have only the system to trust—and clearly the system doesn’t work. Additionally, the costs involved—including legal fees—are significant at a time when families are least able to afford such expenses.
The reality is that the military system “looks the other way” when it comes to military spousal abandonment.
Civil law protections
Civil laws exist to protect spouses from various types of abuse, including financial abandonment. At the state level, spouses who have the time, money and resources may appeal to the Civil Court. Another factor comes into play—the revised Soldier Sailors Civil Relief Act, which can be used as a sword or a shield against or for military families. The Civil Relief Act provides automatic 90-day civil court stays that soldiers can use to prevent judicial orders/hearings from being issued against them. This situation leaves the military spouse unable to obtain civil court orders that could provide her financial support from the soldier and an ability for the commander to fully enforce regulations with the soldier.
A simple solution
In order to preserve the original intentions of spousal support law, model a new law upon the existing one that protects former spouses during divorces. The new law would be entitled “The Uniformed Services Spouse Protection Act (USSPA).” It would provide a simple system of checks and balances. It would smooth the process and end the frustration and suffering of abandoned military spouses and families. It would stop the waste of government time and money spent trying to enforce existing laws.
The law would simply provide that an estranged spouse who has a valid marriage certificate may petition DFAS directly for BAH/FSA income entitlements. From this single action, four major benefits would result:
- End the agony of decision that military commanders face when asked to intervene to enforce support.
- Save hours of paperwork by reducing or eliminating the incidence of BAH fraud.
- Ensure that funds already approved by taxpayers are being used for their intended purpose
- Eliminate the temptation for soldiers to profit from abandoning their spouses.
The good you will do
Passing this new law is good for America. It will save the thousands and thousands of dollars other government agencies must provide when family military pay is diverted from its rightful purposes. It will save the government the hours and hours now spent to manage the appeals of deserving spouses who are forced to chase after their legal entitlements.
And perhaps even more importantly, the new law will enhance the image of our country both at home and abroad. It will demonstrate that we, as a people, believe in backing our military forces in every way. And that includes standing behind our military families, recognizing the great sacrifices they make and ensuring they are not abandoned in their time of need.
If you would like more information, contact Kathy Mills at Kathy@kathleenmills.com.
The government takes BAH fraud very seriously. If you’re guilty, you’re prosecuted.
Elizabeth, this is a nice idea, but it just flat does not happen that way in all cases. While married and going through our court process, my ex drew family bah for over a year. I did not see a dime of it. He was not prosecuted. I know all of this for a fact. I have documentation like crazy proving such. It doesnt matter. Living with sociopath means “rules” and “absolutes” get miraculously broken as they manipulate people and the system to their advantage, breaking laws and defying reason in the process.
Dear tjk,
Welcome to LF–glad you are here! Yep ps always mess with rules and the laws and sometimes (too many times) get away with it!
Elizabeth Im reading further back on your comments on this board and I disagree with much of what you’ve said. My experience was pretty much the exact opposite of your entire argument.
In a nutshell, “There is no way that a civilian judge can possibly bring the same degree of insight, power to act or genuine personal interest to the problem of keeping a servicemember’s family safe and comfortable. ”
My experience was that the only support I received was from a civilian judge and civilian counselor. The military investigated abuse twice in my case. Police removed him from our home another two times on separate occasions, and there were several MPOs instituted. With my husband’s open admission that he had threatened to kill me, and a signed civil document that he had done so, proof of his violating the restraining order, a recommendation from a civilian Family Advocate that he be referred to long term treatment for abuse issues, and a long history of documented violence, the military ruled abuse as “unsubstantiated” in our case. The only people that would actually call what he did “abuse” were civilians. No military person would ever even use that word.
I have heard this time and time again from other people, and most with hospital reports of broken bones, bruises etc in addition to the other issues I had with mine. Mine is a true sociopath.
The court system has tried all it can to help me. I have a permanent restraining order now. A warrant is issued for his arrest. However, the military has literally done NOTHING to help. NOTHING. With each time I pressed for my rights as outlined in the UCMJ, or for them to assist, they turned a blind eye. They have moved him up the food chain higher and higher. I have several friends in similiar positions that I have met along my journey to speak out.
As I read the posts negating the original poster’s piece, I see even further outlined why it is so hard, as an abused military spouse, to get help. The very people meant to help when you are trying to get out, walk into the role with skepticism and preconceived ideas that are simply NOT the experience of an abused spouse.
One more note here, what the military spouse is entitled to (at least in the AF) is the difference between the single BAH rate and the family BAH rate. I believe it is more for other branches. If the original post is a request for law to give the spouse the amount that they are legally entitled to (not the entire BAH rate but whatever the military already mandated they were to get) then I see no problem whatsoever with what she is suggesting.
This is not suggesting, as EC suggests, that the military spouse be in charge of ALL of the military member’s money…only that she get the money he is already required by UCMJ (ie military law) to give to her… If he doesnt want her to have it, then frankly he still has the option to file for divorce and get only the single BAH rate…
I would like to see the suggestions go a couple of steps further and REQUIRE the military member to share his move benefits to move the spouse home if he is PCSing within a reasonable time frame around the divorce, (which is currently ALLOWED but not REQUIRED) and REQUIRE the military member to allow the spouse to keep her life insurance and health benefits (ie dental, etc) until the divorce is final if she chooses to pay the difference.
In a nutshell, until the divorce is final, the military should give the spouse control over benefits which she has a right to as a military spouse.. whether the military member WANTS her to have them or not. Abusers use these benefits to further the abuse, and restrict her from getting the financial freedom she needs to take care of herself and leave the marriage. Further, she should be allowed to remand some of the educational benefits as well – given the HUGE amount of educational benefits military members now get and ALL that the military spouse gives up (ie jobs, school, etc.) in order to move around in support of him.
Keep in mind, military spouses give up their career options by virtue of being a military spouse. The career opportunities around military bases and median wages are at POVERTY levels compared to the rest of the nation (this is what I did my masters thesis on). This is the sacrafice that the military wife made in order to support her husband. Couple her dependence on him with abuse, and all the control the military gives to the member as he leaves the marriage….and you have just given him a match to light a bonfire.
And thank you OxDrover! Ive been a long time reader on LF, just havent posted much!!
tjk, Yes. That’s pretty much what I meant when I used the term trauma bonding. Thanks for your input. I couldn’t agree more.
The Phil Haberman case posted on Lovefraud.com was all about BAH fraud. Some commanders tried to help the spouse, but in the end, Haberman got away with most of it.
http://www.lovefraud.com/03_trueLovefraudStories/Phil_Haberman_military_fraud1.html
TJk,
“While married and going through our court process, my ex drew family bah for over a year…”
Here’s your problem: it was NOT fraud to draw the BAH. He was entitled to draw it because you were still married. No matter what, you were NEVER legally entitled to his BAH. For some reason to which I am not privy, your family support allotment was not determined by the standard formula. There are so many reasons why this was the case, I absolutely refuse to speculate on your particular circumstances.
While it is standard practice for civilian courts in various states to assign you a certain percentage of his BAH, with a court order that varies from the military’s standard formula he has some wiggle room, depending on his/your individual circumstances. YES, YOU DID read that right! ANY OTHER LEGAL AGREEMENT regarding support negates that standard formula’s applicability to your case.
You see this problem from the point of view of an abused spouse of a military member. The military sees the problem somewhat differently, because they’re trying to deal with a broader spectrum of causes for marital dissolution.
Many things effect a spouse’s family support allotment. Here’s just a glimpse of the most obvious factors:
http://www.apd.army.mil/jw2/xmldemo/r608_99/main.asp#p02-6
I haven’t spent my adult life in Lala Land. I could bore all present with awful stories about military members who’ve abused their spouses and children, and an equal number of civilian spouses who’ve abused and exploited military members.
Some of these cases are truly lurid, the sort of thing that sounds too profane to be true. A decade or more later I still won’t discuss them, because the victims deserve privacy and closure. Some things are too awful to put into print, although there must be a thick file on each case somewhere.
BUT. THAT’S. NOT. THE. POINT.
The point is, the current system is complicated, because it TRIES to be FAIR. Being fair is not the same is being equal, or finding a one size fits all solution. Being fair is DEFINITELY not always giving the ladies whatever they want.
You ladies were abused by sociopaths. (You say you were, and I believe you.) The fact that the sociopaths managed to manipulate the military system to make your life harder surprises no one.
THAT’S. WHAT. SOCIOPATHS. DO.
If you slant the system in favor of the military member’s spouse, then you simply make things easier for the sociopathic, borderline and histrionic spouses to torment military members.
As a woman and a veteran, I can easily see the shoe on the other foot. Hypothetically: If a bed hopping civilian husband ditches a woman soldier with a walloping case of VD and the burden of a mortgage on a marital home she cannot sell, I don’t necessarily think he should be able to completely break her financially. Fortunately, there are currently protections in place to help her, should the situation arise.
The BAH issue isn’t strictly germane to cases of nasty military men and the poor, defenseless woman they victimize. There are an infinite number of circumstances under which military people and their spouses part.
Dear Elizabeth C,
I hear you GF! It is also something that isn’t much different than the civilian courts that supposedly TRY to be “fair” and to give the CHILDREN the best possible solution between two divorcing parents, and look what happens, some pytchopaths are given full custody of the child and the nurturing parent is taken out of the picture, some spouses are trampled into the dirt financially, emotionally and morally!
BOTTOM LINE: Life AIN’T FAIR! Psychopaths take advantage of this problem. No matter what the situation is, Ps can find some way to SCREW it up to their advantage, or at least the disadvantage of the non-psychopath.
Yes, Donna. You’re right. It seems the article triggered some issues here.
Maybe there are reasons for that.