CRON: Array ( [1553147415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553151015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553151315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553151915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553152215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553152515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553152815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154400] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553154615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160536] => Array ( [wpbdp_daily_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553160615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160950] => Array ( [wpbdp_listings_expiration_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553161061] => Array ( [_cron_zencache_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553161215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553161515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162344] => Array ( [wppa_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553162415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168235] => Array ( [seopressor_site_audit] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [seopressor_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553168415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168849] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-event-espresso-core-reg] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553169015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170637] => Array ( [simple_history/maybe_purge_db] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553170815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553174115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180821] => Array ( [yotuwp_cache_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553181315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553181615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( 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60 ) ) ) [1553190315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190375] => Array ( [delete_expired_transients] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553190615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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[1553205015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553205315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553205615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553205915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553206056] => Array ( [yotuwp_weekly_scheduled_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => weekly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 604800 ) ) ) [1553206215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553209276] => Array ( [wp_privacy_delete_old_export_files] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553209515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553209628] => Array ( [wp_scheduled_auto_draft_delete] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553209815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553210415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553210715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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[interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553232915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553233215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553233815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553234415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553235015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553235615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => 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[seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553238015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553238315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553238915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553239515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553240115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553240415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553240715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553242215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553242815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553243115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553244015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553244315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553244915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553245215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553245515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553260815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553261415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553261715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553262315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553262615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553262915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553263215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553263515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553263815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553264115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553264415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553264715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553265015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553265615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553265915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553266515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553266815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553267115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553267415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553267715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553269215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553269515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553270115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553270415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553270715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553271315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553271615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553271915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553272215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553272515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553272815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553273115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553273415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553273715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553274015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553274315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553274615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553275215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553275515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553275815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553276115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553278215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553278515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553278815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553279115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553279415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553279715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553280015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553280315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553280615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553280915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553281515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553281815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553282115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553282415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553282715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553283015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553283315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553283615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553283915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553284215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553284515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553284815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553285115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553285415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553285715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553286015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553286315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553286615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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By | December 28, 2013 65 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: An intense relationship, until he threw me back

Editor’s note: This letter was sent in by Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Renata.”

I know, as far as abuse stories go, this isn’t a doozy. I’m sure other women and men have gone through far worse. And that is precisely why I want to share my story, because, even though this guy isn’t a major abuser, he’s a manipulative, conniving and voracious predator.

He will believe he is using his charm and “kindness” to befriend women who are vulnerable and heartbroken, giving them something to feel good about, over and over. He will lead them down the rosy garden path, all the while knowing that he has NO intention of reciprocating a safe and loving relationship. He only uses his “victims” for entertainment value, for his own egocentric gratification. It is without a doubt one of the worst abuses of the online dating process out there, and exactly the reason so many people want to avoid this option.

I met this guy through a single parents dating network. At the time I meant to just meet local guys for something casual. I was only just starting the dating process after being single for six years, and had really very little idea of how to go about it.

We started a humorous and lighthearted exchange over the internet for a few weeks ”¦ I knew he lived hours away, so I really didn’t WANT to start anything that might eventually lead to a long distance relationship.

Intensity turned up a notch

Quite out of the blue, he turned the intensity of the communication up a notch or two. Meanwhile, it did cross my mind that his intensity was a little out of place. I had not given him any reason to ask me for pictures ”¦ or anything more than just simple back and forth joking. Suddenly he was making innuendos, asking for “more” from me than I really felt comfortable giving.

Mistakenly I thought it was because he was intensely interested in me. I know I’m not the hottest catch, and I don’t try to be, so his attention was a little odd. Somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice was crying to be heard, “This is really out of place, he has no reason to have these intense feelings for you, slow it down.” But, I still let my neediness for attention lead, and he didn’t fail to deliver, at least for a few weeks ”¦ it was a constant barrage of communication.

Meanwhile, I fell into the trap of sending pictures. At first it was innocent “selfies,” and then, as he begged for more, I started sending more than I felt comfortable with. Within three or four months, I was hooked. I was so completely head over heels with him.

Dating other women

Finally he came to visit me, we had a great time, except for the last day, when he said “I’ll just keep you a little longer, and then I’ll throw you back.”

“If that’s how you feel about me, then why wait?” was my reply.

To make a long story short, I still kept it up with him, falsely telling myself it didn’t matter to me if he dated others, because of course, he put our relationship on the back burner. I hardly ever heard from him, and when I did, it was just a few words. He hadn’t told me he was dating other women, or that he was still looking, I just KNEW, and then he confirmed it when I finally got up the nerve to talk to him and get everything out in the open.

Lies by omission

He claimed to have never misled me, which is true, his lies by omission precluded any delusions of safety.

He claimed that even though he DOES love me, he loves lots of other women too, and he should be able to have sex with whomever he wants whenever he wants, and he will never ever want to be in a committed relationship or marriage. I know that he had a few of those in the past, though, women that he moved in with, and I believe he did that because they were financially well off. But I believe that he still kept up his polyandrous flings while with them, which is why they all ended as disasters.

Ugh, I feel like I just made a fool of myself with this guy. And I need to get him behind me, but first, I need to warn other women about him.

 


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Renata,

Reading your story is like reading mine and so many others here. You brought back a memory for me when we first starting seeing each other he said the same thing ” I think I will keep you for a bit longer” I laughed at this then but reading your story and now knowing what I know…tears roll down my face. Leading me on and yes lies by omission. He was so “hot and heavy” wanting me to send him pictures of which I too was not comfortable with. He would say to me ” I am only 10 quesstions away from sleeping with any women” He knew within 10 questions if she was a perfect taget. Low self esteem. Low self-respect, not confident, conflict early in childhood. He knew what to ask and listen intently only to “get an in with her”. After the last cheating affair I had no choice but to walk away. But I still hurt and ache knowing he used me and left me to “bleed out” without a second thought after 5 years and many promises of marriage. Keep reading on this site and thank you for your story as this proves to all of us that these men exist.

bodicasway

Geez, its good to know I’m not alone,but hearing about things he might have well said to someone else, makes me kind of angry.
Nothing we did asked for someone to use us. We just fell into a trap.
Not gonna happen again,
right?
Right!

slimone

Renata,

I think there are likely alot of us here who didn’t have our fortunes stolen, or our kids taken from us, but who, none-the-less, had our hearts bashed and our eyes opened.

My last run-in was similar to yours, though I did have a ‘relatiohship’ for about 9 months. Met online (Craigslist). Went on date. Started doing things that made me uncomfortable. Ignored my own internal warning system (discomfort, anxiety, worry, unrest, feeling creeped out and unsure), and eventually was made so miserable I got out.

It is so incredibly important to listen to that initial discomfort, and those little ‘what?’ thoughts. They are the only real warnings we get when we are dealing with a liar. It’s those ‘gut’ feelings we have, that most of us ignore, that save us. I ignored my feelings too, if it is any consolation.

Strange, how even a short relationsham with one of these types can illicit such strong feelings of shame and embarrassment in the targets. Being intentinally lied to, and finding that we have chosen to ignore our feelings, and believe the lies, just feels horrible. No matter how long or short the interaction.

And then having to wake up to the reality that where that ‘person’ came from, there are many more. Well, it really sucks at first.

But over time the awareness doesn’t feel so heavy. In fact, I feel relieved to know what I now know. I feel like the price I paid was worth being able to more thoroughly protect myself from future entanglements. And, I feel like my priorities changed so much, and my false beliefs corrected, that it allowed me to create a better life for myself. Before I think I was somewhat doomed to be perpetually attracted to the illusions these types create.

Now I like reality. MUCH more!

So, as much as you can ease up on the embarrassment. You didn’t imagine someone could be so deceptively calculating. None of us did.

Slim

bodicasway

Thank you for sharing, every one of these helps me to remember learn and move on!

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

This guy is easy to identify. He is what in my generation call a “Player”. He burned you good, he even told you what he was going to do.

There was NOTHING wrong with what you wanted, validation, attention, affection, etc. Your mistake was who you let in your door. A snake. A scorpion. A troll.

The purpose of dating is to assess whether he’s worth the next date. ONLY the NEXT date. Use dating to separate the trolls/snakes/scorpions from the possibilities.

And don’t beat yourself up for getting deceived by a snake. It’s been done FOREVER (poor Eve).

But if you see a snake, exit ASAP. Better to be sad that he’s a waste/a snake and move on, than to let yourself be the meat for a snake.

Don’t feed the snakes. Don’t carry a scorpion over the waters of passion. Don’t bite the bait of a troll.

bodicasway

I love your analogy…as the old story goes, about the scorpion and the turtle…the scorpion could not help himself, this was the way he was made.
Thank you.

Dave

My only fear is that ill be overly paranoid now and I may scare off someone who actually is right for me. If I start seeing even 1-2 things in the next woman similar to my ex its gonna freak me out, and they may be nothing, but I wont want to chance falling for her just to find out shes the same as the last one and go through this all over again.

This sucks!!!

bodicasway

I’m scared to death of going through the same thing again…just remember, you don’t HAVE to yet…why not take this time to heal, identify what led you to make a choice in the partner you did?
AND then don’t make the same choice, not everyone is like these creeps, but I betcha a dissproportionate amount of them love the internet for this reason, where else can you pretend to be anything?

Dave – Give yourself time – it does take time to recover. We have many articles here on Lovefraud that may help you.

Hi

I fear I will be overly sensitive to the point of selfishness with my new relationship.

My kids who are 18 and 15 still don’t want anything to do with me, and it has made me intolerant of other children. I can’t be anywhere near them. I run from them in the Store and everywhere else. It hurts too much.

I am in a relationship with my best friend since childhood at this time. He is divorced with 3 kids. When he has his kids I can’t be anywhere near him or them. I have spent my entire life being a people pleaser and would rather be unhappy than make someone else unhappy.

Now after getting away from my marriage to a sociopath, I am trying so hard to make sure that I am never falling into that spin cycle again. I feel like I may be a selfish bitch. I feel such resentment towards my kind man I am with now because he has his kids and I don’t. I know it is wrong, but I feel that way.

I don’t want to loose the kind parts of me because of what my x did to me, yet I fear some of that is gone to collateral damage.

Idk. It is all hard

Stargazer

Soulsisters, I can’t imagine how painful it is to lose your two children, especially due to an evil person. You have many losses to grieve for, even though I don’t believe it’s set in stone that your children have left for good. When you have gone through more healing, you may find yourself opening up more and being less contracted around other children. It’s so important to open yourself up to what is good around you right now, and try to stay in the present moment. You may find that being around other kids can even bring some joy into your life. If you hold onto resentment, it will eventually poison your relationship, and the sociopath wins. Now I gotta tell you, I’ve been on this site for many years, and I’ve read a LOT of stories about sociopaths. Mine is a doozy as well. And NEVER have I thought any one of them deserves to win! Don’t let him win. Your bitterness and resentment are his reward for a job well done on his part. You are better and can do better than to let him defeat you.

Stargazer – what a thoughtful and insightful comment for Soulsisters. Thank you for your contributions!

victoriamin

Dear Renata,
If this is the worse thing that’s ever happened to you, you should thank God.
It is a lesson to women and men to stay off the internet; it is filled with piranhas. The few good people on there, and let me emphasize very few, are devoured by all the wolves and toyed with like you………….or worse, way worse.
By your own admission, you say that you knew he wasn’t interested in a long term relationship and was seeing other women, but you went ahead anyway. Do you really have anyone else to blame?

Ifellforapsycho

I too think the internet is a dangerous place for dating etc and would never use it to meet anyone. But psychos are everywhere! I met mine when he came to decorate my home. We got on famously and I took a long time deciding whether to become involved in a relationship with him. He appeared different because we were ‘friends’ first, and because of our backgrounds we actually had a lot in common (even common friends in the past). I don’t think the issue is about BLAME. When our emotions are involved, when the hidden desire to be in a relationship (although outwardly independent)and the need to be loved converge I think it is easy to accept second best. Obviously in my case there are clearly issues I now need to address regarding my own inner child and the lifelong (private) lack of self-worth. But I do not use the word BLAME or FAULT! Possibly because he did! Constantly! We need to be gentle with ourselves….. it’s always easier for those on the outside to see it all clearly. The saying “Can’t see the wood for the trees” comes to mind.

bodicasway

I just happened to come on here and see what people might have said in reply to my experience. One of the things I need to know the most is: has anyone else been through this? How do they handle those feelings of shame and rejection…thankfully this has been great for that.
I wanted to send this in, without a life story to go with it, because I wanted to warn other women and men too…its really easy to get sucked into their games.
No, this isn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me,and really its been a lifetime of conditioning for a victim role that I fell into easily over and over again…now I’m ready to do something different, are you?

Stargazer

I think the point is not how she met the guy. Sociopaths are everywhere. It’s that some unmet childhood needs for attention made her vulnerable to the love bombing (as was true with most of us) and kept her around even after he started playing games. You can meet some pretty nice people on the internet (WE are here on the internet) if you know what situations to avoid, such as long-distance pen pal relationships or guys who want to marry you in the first few weeks. I think if the message we come away from this is “stay off the internet – there are predators there,” then we are missing the point. The point is personal responsibility for our unmet needs. This is what makes us vulnerable – not being on the internet.

bodicasway

Excellent!

Vision

Renata:

We have been down that road….My ex sp told me he didn’t know whether to stand me up (for our date) or to impregnate me…his words…he stood me up…and I still continued the relationship.He would make a date and then when it was near time to meet, he would call me and toy with me on the phone, pretending he couldn’t make it and then pull up to my car and laugh….

Whether on the internet or at a bar or at our church, these kind of men are everywhere….as you read here on LF, you will become better equipped to “see” them and how to avoid them. and why you are vulnerable to them, although many are deceived on the basis of their lies…and promises….

Once we can “see” the red flags flapping in front of our noses, we can stop and think about how we feel and know what we should do..

Stargazer:

I agree with you about the internet. Yes, we are on the internet!! Good point…even here on LF a sp or two have masqueraded toying with the good people on this site…happily, they were pointed out by more experienced ones who had been on this site a long time…

I met my sp while he came to check cable work. He was a supervisor and poured on charm, caring and fellow feeling…what a mask and what a lie…for 5 years….

Just ended a 3 month talk on the phone, two lunches with an old high school friend…laid on charm, but I wasn’t buyin…I just talked on the phone and waited to see what would happen. I got all my answers and found out he is big drinker, told me stories over and over like he’d never told me before, and then wam, got mad because I couldn’t date him at his whim…

So waiting and taking your time with a guy, all the while watching what is really going on, takes a bit of time granted but no need to play out your heart in the beginning, and taking your time will show you some very interesting things….

Happy New Year to All on LoveFraud!!

May the new year bring you love, joy, peace, and wonderful, true and lasting relationships…just take your time and find your own power..and love yourself…then see who is who…

bodicasway

Since learning about Narcisistic lovers and people with sociopathic borderline personality disorders, I’ve found a lot of women and men are recovering from their broken hearts…not by ranting at and hating the person who hurt them, but by realizing that something in themselves needs to be addressed. That in order to keep from falling for, and sacrificing themselves for an unhealthy person, something in themselves has got to change!
This is an excellent step!
Nothing me or you, or any of us can do can really change them, they are afflicted by an illness that only they can do something about.
So many of us get locked into thinking we have something no one else has, we can understand them in a way that no one else can, but thats not true thats just a co-dependant trait that we’ve already been conditioned for at work…and we know how THAT one ends…don’t we?

hinahina

Regarding this letter from “Renata”, I’m sure this is the same kook that targeted me!

It might not be, but how would we know? They all do the exact same routines with different names in different places, schmoozing their predatory games as their main entertainment in life.

Renata, if you had had more money, he would have stayed longer. This one’s MO is to parasitically drain the target of her “financially well-off” capacity. This is one way these suck holes of society effectively evaporate over $7trillion from the USA economy every year.

They rob women.

Or just use them for sex and good times as he did with you.

He has other women alright. The ones who are still needy and unaware of his social pathology.

He keeps as many in rotation as he can manage. This is his “social life”.

He’s a predator. You are lucky he didn’t waste more of your time or take your money.

As I say, he sounds very, very close to the creepy kook who pulled phoney routines on me. And then he taunted me relentlessly to expose him. He thought he was undiscoverable and he loved his “make a fool of hinahina” game.

He sneered at me, saying I was crazy for the suspicions I had about him.

I was driven to find out his secrets; find out the truth!!

How could I do it?

I won’t say how but I will say it was impossible. Until it wasn’t and I cracked open the horrible truths about all his secret life of perversions and all manner of heinous behavior!

Of course it “ended in disaster” as you’ve described. He, the one who targeted you and me both, is a walking disaster area disguised as bait for the unsuspecting, friendly and trusting.

They do all have very definite behavior patterns. And they do all pour on the love bombing charm at first.

And they hurt many, many people as they cut deeply into the fragile social fabric, leaving gaping holes of pain and injury in our communities.

And we deserve to have safer, better communities and happier, healthier lives which is why we need to know and apply our knowledge daily with everyone we meet–especially men who are “single”.

Some data suggests that 1 in 25 people has these traits. Other sources mention up to 10% of the population are these kook predator types.

Be aware. You might be enjoying life. And they are busy finding out who you are and can they target you.

Now you know. You met a bonafide, flat out kook.

bodicasway

Wow Hina, you have no idea how healing it was to hear you say these things…it takes courage to not only identify and stand up to a kook like this, but it does take some courage to come right out in front of the world and say the truth too.
I wonder how many women out there are suffering right now with a sense of shame about knowing they are doing something they don’t feel is right, but beleiving somehow it makes them special to the NP, not realizing that it is only because they are SUPPLY.
I made up the username I did because there was an ancient Icenae leader (queen) named Bodicea (Bo di Ka) after her tribe was decimated by the invading army she took a strong leadership role and left a lasting hero story that no one forgot even though, ultimately, she didn’t WIN or drive them out of the country, her actions re-affirmed what we all know inside of us…
WE are born with basic human rights: to be free of opression, tyranny, to be treated with respect and kindness, to be able to trust that the people who we trust to love us are going to be trustworthy.
If thats not worth fighting for, I don’t know what is…

biggestdummyofall

Wow Renata you got out easy, and your spath was relatively honest with you at least. What is really hard is when you spend YEARS with an spath UNSUSPECTING, UNKNOWING, TRUSTING, TRYING, BEING TRICKED AND BLAMING YOURSELF! Recovering from that much abuse is hard if not close to impossible. Thank God Renata you had the intelligence and the self esteem to find out the truth for yourself before you had too much time and other things invested in that man. I, myself gave so much of myself to my spath there is nothing left to try to have a relationship with someone else or even try to share. I am so wounded and hurt I can not even try again with anyone. My biggest fear aside from being used manipulated and cast aside again is being alone the rest of my life. I wish you the best of luck Renata and hope that the next person you meet will not be another Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde.

bodicasway

Yes, you should not use the name you have, it must have made you feel terrible just to write it…I’m sorry.
I hope that somehow you find some answers, some peace and healing here in this place.
I’ve got to spread this message, you aren’t stupid because someone else has betrayed your trust, they are the loser because they can’t see their own sickness…you aren’t the loser because you’ve been oppressed and treated with unkindness…please look up and around you, here we all are with our wounds and heartache, we aren’t alone…we have to keep going, our better lives are waiting…the ones where we get to live without a tyrant, an abuser, a hateful sociopath, or slimey narcisist…
Come out of the dark corner, you deserve warmth and love just as much as anyone else…we just have to be more careful not to get burned.

Stargazer

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s 1:30 in the morning here, and I just got back from the bar down the street. There was a live band and it was a blast. All these guys were hitting on me, but one was especially annoying. He kept love bombing me – telling me how special I am, how amazing my smile is, how he could tell right away what a great person I am, etc. etc. over and over and OVER. I don’t think he was a sociopath, just a drunk looking for a girlfriend. I’m happy to announce that there is nothing about love bombing that I particularly enjoy. I found it rather disgusting. He tried to monopolize me on the dance floor then pouted and left when I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Then another guy stepped up and tried to monopolize me. Can’t a girl just dance? I am a dancer and I just love to dance. I don’t need a bunch of guys hanging on me on the dance floor. But I had a great time. I even got on the stage and sang back-up harmonies with the band. Best NYE I’ve had in many years.

bodicasway

FUN!
This made me smile!
You are wonderfully alive,
independant
and beautifully free!
Yesss!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Happy New Year to all you lovely oldtimers on LF!

Dave

whos old? im only 34 LOL.

Glad to hear you had a good time star, I stayed in, didn’t want to be driving around, my friend went to a club and wanted me to go but im not big on the clubbing scene.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

@Soulsisters,
Incalculable and unending loss twists me, also. Makes me angry and resentful. I don’t know how to change this, either. But being able to break it out from the morass of our behaviours and articulate it is a very important start.

My next step is to find more support. I have a mental health worker who will (hopefully follow through to) help me find weekly professional support. The losses I have experienced and continue to experience have left me twisted. I don’t know how to open the door to pain that feels like it will never end (as the situations can only become worse in fact and detail. for example, the dementia that has taken my family members, who I cannot visit for hard reasons that i cannot change, and that no thinking outside the box or problem solving will change.)

I don’t trust anyone post spath. Period. Even those I am closet to – I know that I can be conned. I know that losses will continue (it is life afterall), and that unless some things change internally for me, there will never be experiences that create a sense of ‘gain’ or acceptance; there will only be experiences that i pull around my ego as protection against the next loss. Nothing goes deep but pain,loss, fear and distrust. Good feelings and experiences are by and large only feeding a persona that covers that pain.

It’s a hard, tough stance. I hide well. This makes me more like the spath than I could have imagined possible.

All of this needs to change. But finding the words to express my experience is meaningful. Thank you for saying how resentful you are. it triggered something for me.

I wish you great healing.

one joy

bodicasway

I hear you saying that you are full of pain. I’m sorry for that, as I am sorry to see anyone in pain, emotionally or physically…I wish you success on your way out of your pain, and into healing. I hope you get what you need now.

Dave

Hi one joy,

I seem to be one of the only men on here, but I know how you feel, I have so much resentment and anger in me right now it feels like its eating my soul, at times I feel like im going to change into a nasty ruthless person as some form of defense so this doesn’t happen to me again. The depression and sadness kicks in at night when I go to sleep with her not there, and not hearing my kids or my dog in the house, I wake up and im angry and resentful again for her making me feel like this. As well I hate her for the fact that part of me still wants her for whatever reason, but even if she called right now and said come home and I did, I know now in my heart it will never change and I will only further damage myself and possibly my children.

You are not alone, these are natural human feelings we have because we have been abused/backstabbed/lied to/manipulated by someone we loved more than anything and it hurts like hell, almost to the point that we cant even function, I don’t even enjoy doing things I like right now, cause I feel empty, like there is no point. (not suicidal) I would never do that. Only time will help heal these wounds, but there will always be scars, I can only hope all of us on here find true love some day as I believe that will be the ultimate healing, but we need to be past this first otherwise it will unfair to a potential partner.

Dave

bodicasway

I’m glad at least one guy can stop and identify his emotions and feel them.
I have a general mistrust of guys but only in relationships, I have guy friends that I trust and love dearly, who don’t say or do things to hurt me, but, for some reason I’ve always picked the worse possible types for relationships.
I’ve come to learn that its because I learned all that in my family of origin, how to be the fixer, the peacemaker, the scapegoat and the reject.
I spent my adult life filling that role with my partners, I couldn’t seem to pick someone without somehow finding the
exact match for being the person who would replay that role I had in my family. Crazy huh?
Now that I’m single again, I’m really appreciating it,I’m going to use this time to get strong, to retrain myself not to be in that role anymore…I’m going to love myself, and my faults and whatever it is that makes me, me.

Dave

bodicasway,

oops sry I clicked report this comment first instead of reply, so donna please ignore that if it went through.

Nah it don’t sound crazy bod,,you sound like my best friend chris, hes always trying to be the standup guy that fixes everyone else around him,,he has a good heart, but I think doing this plays him in the end.

I identify and feel my emotions cause I actually have them, and I just want to be happy in a normal relationship, im old school even though im only 34. Only difference is I don’t believe man is the head of all things, I think husband/wife should be equals.

I have a mistrust of women like you do with men, its natural after going through these things. The things I hear women say about men, I laugh at times and think to myself “good lord do they even know how bad women can be too”??? Women may not really try and physically beat you up (usually anyway) but can be very manipulative and cunning (yes I know us men can be that too) but I have to say, women are no longer the “only” victims anymore, many good men suffer from being with a bad woman, they are lied too, cheated on, made to feel like shit, have half or all their stuff/wealth taken from them, their name tarnished ect ect… we are all in the same boat, man or woman,,,black or white,,,muslim/Christian/jew.

bodicasway

Yes, I’m reading more of these letters here, and I’m reading all sorts of things that make me feel fortunate for MY situation.
What you are saying is true, this is life, what we’re handed, and this is what we have to live with.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

to internet or not to internet.

big pool of slimey people on the net – that is correct. but I have the doozey of all internet scam stories (not a dating site), and that’s not the arena I am afraid of because i am pretty sure that i can smell them online. I am afraid of the co-worker, the casual acquaintances met through business, my nation’s top politician, the stakeholders I have to work with (THE one area where my hard gained experience with spaths and narcs has served me well), my landlord, my neighbours, a random person that offers something positive….

I am constantly worried about people’s motivations, and what’s really going on in their heads. Even my ‘friends’.

I met a woman about a year and a half ago. Liked her. We have been out to dinner a couple of times lately. I met her husband and I kid you not the first words out of his mouth were about narcissism, and how it ‘isn’t necessarily a bad thing.’ F***, I hate it when people tell you who they are. I didn’t feel afraid of this guy, but I didn’t ‘play’ his game either. Whatever he is, it is righteously disappointing that she is married to whatever he is.

bodicasway

I can certainly relate to that feeling of borderline paranoia…I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on about narcisists, sociopaths,psychopaths and other personality types of fatal flaw.
It does seem like the world in general is made for them, they are the ones who get ahead by blithely stepping over the gutted remains of the brokenhearted…
I won’ let them take my humanity tho, I’m going to learn how to identify them, and how to deal with them effectively.
But most of all I’m going to get to know myself and find out what it is I WANT and need. So that I’m willing to defend my territory – my space.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Dave,
I have to go off to work, so will need to keep this short. I am a few years away from the spath. The damage is more apparent now. Not just the wounding, but what is left with me. i think scarring is a good metaphor. I have physical scars that pull my body out of normal alignment, it doesn’t function properly because of them. breaking down physical adhesions/scars is a long and painful process.

I don’t know what’s natural – people seem to think we can shake this off. someone once told me they were sorry I had a ‘bad relationship’. I was thunderstruck by this characterization. I have made choices in the past that led me into bad relationships. this was not a ‘bad’ relationship. I know what the healing arc is there, but not post spaths and narcs (lost half my family at the same time as I realized they were narcs).

it’s made me want the power the spath had. the power to be hidden and lie, manipulate, be uncaring – to protect myself. someone told me the other day that a person doesn’t have to have a ‘reason’ (provocation) to be mean. I would. the spath wouldn’t. neither would my n sib. But I am now easily provoked. I think all kinds of heavy shit. People have no idea; but neither do they want to. Ergo, i need professional support.

Sorry, don’t believe in true love from an external source. fairy tale to me. Think this has to be an inside job.

I too need a reason to get up in the morning, I need to serve a greater purpose that myself. I don’t know if that will ever change. wish it would, because it is too outer focused, and i feel that i am not meeting my potential as i wade through this morass (and I judge myself for being lost, angry and afraid.)

I know however, that the important thing is to keep getting up.

Stargazer

I’m glad to see you here, one joy. I saw something recently that made me think of you. Even though it appears from your last post that your spirit is all but broken, I will share it anyway just to put it out there for anyone it may be helpful to.

My original salsa mentor is very famous worldwide. She has a blog for salsa dancers, and I read it periodically. Someone recently asked her if you are ever too old to be a salsa dancer. Her reply (and she is in her 50’s as I am) was that when she first started dancing, she was 50 lbs overweight. And she also was plagued with so many allergies that she couldn’t leave the house (that’s the part that reminded me of you, one joy). She had trouble breathing and had to stay away from nearly everything. After she started dancing, she went down to a size 3, and all her allergies disappeared. I thought this was remarkable and I wanted to just pass this along. Dancing is not for everyone. But the part the allergies disappearing really intrigued me. I wanted to pass it along for what it’s worth because I believe physical conditions CAN often be turned around.

I’m glad you find reasons to get up in the morning and wish for you that your life will be filled with great things.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i know another woman personally, who was 50lbs fat too and she danced it off 2 lol.
if its just a simple calories in, calories out thing, u can do it too. if its hormonal imbalances (insulin, TSH, etc) activity will help (and u’ll FEEL better) but the wgt wont come off till u regulate ur hormones.
me, im a hormonal nitemare. wen i was having my op b4 christmas, the anesthesiologist finally sed, wow ur just a hormonal mess. i was like YES she’s got it and kinda felt safer then to go under with her lol
damn that mother f-er for not finding out where i was and coming to me that day. that helps that he did that. its just another dig in my heart that i want to completely hate him, not just mostly. he owed me that, he did. sigh.

Stargazer

I know it doesn’t take an Einstein to figure out that aerobic exercise helps with weight. But the part that surprised me was that it cleared up her allergies. I just found his interesting, for what it’s worth.

As a health care provider (massage therapist), I’m fascinated by the mind/body connection, and I’ve also been learning a lot about nutrition. For instance, most Americans eat a lot of processed bread, pasta, and table salt. I just found out these things are brominated. Bromine is a toxin that prevents the uptake of iodine in the body. Iodine deficiency is directly linked to cancer. And it’s very prevalent in our society, likely due to our diets (you don’t see much cancer in Japan, where they eat a lot of iodine-rich seaweed). There are other vitamin/mineral deficiencies associated with cancer. Apparently, we all have cancer cells in our body, but a strong immune system can fight them off. Aside from dietary changes, exercise helps with immune function. I am a big believer that no matter what is going on in your life, eating a healthy diet and exercising (especially something fun like dance) can help you stay healthy. So many people go into a physical funk from the stress of living with a sociopath (I know because I grew up with them), and their adrenals become depleted. But just taking care of yourself on a physical level can help the mental and emotional part, and restore hormonal balance. Perhaps a trip or two to an acupuncturist can help restore hormonal balance too.

I’m currently doing a detox diet that includes lots of seaweed. I am noticing much more mental clarity, and repressed emotions coming to the surface (not fun but necessary). This is because even though I’m a size 4, I still have a food addiction, and staying a healthy weight is still a battle for me. I didn’t realize how much I use sugar to medicate my emotions. This is an ongoing learning experience for me.

I know many people here are going through various phases of shock and grief, and the thought of a detox diet or a rigorous exercise program is probably like being asked to walk on the moon. Sometimes it’s all you can do to get up in the morning. But I’m just throwing it out there anyway for what it’s worth. Aside from salsa dancing, I do a lot of Zumba. It has brought so much joy into my life. The endorphins help me battle depression. I don’t know how I would have survived the last few years without dancing and a healthy diet.

For those who have made a solid decision to heal and recover, taking care of yourself physically will greatly support and speed your recovery, even if you have to force yourself to do it. If you wait till you feel better, you may never start. But starting may make you feel better.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

one thing i know that happened was late Feb ’13 i started eating WRONG. i gained 40lbs in a few mos (not hard wen ur hormones demand a very stringent way of eating). i was getting ready to leave the narc so my psychic energy was depleted & thats wat eating strictly is mostly. im very happy wen im doing it but if i slip up more than 12 hrs, im on a wild roller coaster ride–its a physiological hell. so i left Mar 1st & came back 6 wks later, still eating wat the hell i felt like. by summer i was obese. i hate myself wen im obese. ik its not rly my fault but i feel a failure wen i am. im not that attractive to begin with so being a sane wgt def helps.
i left again Nov 9th & spent a month trying to get everything out of our house with no money or help…he was going to throw out watever was there after 30 days. and yeah, he wud have. he HATED having my stuff there even tho i was giving him alot of rent money wen i first moved in & was working. im telling u with a NPD/BPD its THEIR world and u may come in if invited, but its all their rules. there is no OUR world, our life, our anything that you build together.
just the last week or so i have been able to not eat some things. see at first, the first week or so, it IS hard to deny urself the crap — or the stuff I personally cant have becuz of my physiology. then its FINE. ur body balances and its no longer a struggle or denial. i have not had the psychic energy to do this just few days of denial and struggle. until recently. i am not there 100% yet, so the wgt can come off becuz im hormonally balanced again, but that i have strength to do or not do anything is inspiring.
I Believe Am Getting Better
at the least, getting the too-fat off me makes me feel soooo much better. i sleep better etc.

Dave

just keep trying onejoy, that’s all we can do, if you give up then you have lost and the narc has won.

As for love, I will say this, I don’t fully believe in “unconditional love” as demands/expectations need met, if one fails to meet them, the other person will fall out of love. Be it their sex life, provision financially, emotional support ect ect…if you fail to meet these, the one whom loves you will eventually leave you to find someone who will meet them, thus love is conditional upon the fact that your doing things that make the person happy in other words meeting their conditions. And I am fine with this provided that person is meeting my conditions as well, that is what a loving relationship does, is meet each others conditions, and sometimes a little sacrifice to make another happy provided you know they will do that for you too.

I am paranoid as well, im afraid ill meet some woman and she will see im vulnerable and take advantage of the fact I have a good heart and im loyal to a tee in a serious relationship, I effing hate cheaters with a passion, ive always told women ive been with, hey if you feel the need to sleep with someone else, or someone else seems more appealing then me,,please tell me, and break it off with me, don’t stay with me while messing with them. When you are in love that is the ultimate betrayal to find out your lover gave themselves sexually to another, only to come home to you like nothing happened.

No relationship is perfect and I can cope with that, but the things all of us went through in ours, are beyond the scope of normal, its twilight zone shit!!! Nobody is going to agree on everything, I can handle this, hell its healthy to have a little argument once in a blue moon, but constant fighting, yelling, screaming, things being broken, putting hands on one another, I cannot tolerate yet I did for almost 10 years, never in my life have I been with a woman where we yelled and called each other disgusting names, or grabbed/pushed/each other/broke things ect ect…I knew it wasn’t me, however I was weak and failed to control myself, I believe I actually let her turn part of me into her. I don’t want to yell at my wife and call her a B,,or a C,,yet I did this to this one because she would constantly tell me im a loser/pos/pathetic/disappointment, or would sneak around talking to other men, lie about money, and always blame me, thus I turned into her, and started yelling and calling names, im now disappointed in myself for this, as ive never wished to act like that towards a woman, I was raised better than that. Thank God somehow, someway I managed to never hit her, I know no matter what she did to anger me, had I hit her, I would have never forgave myself, and one too many times I had to leave or hit something in the house to keep from doing it while she sat there and taunted me further, even sometimes saying “cmon MFer hit me,,,hit me MFer you know you want to, you know you want to kill me,,cmon MFer”

She even said a few months ago “eff you david your a bitch”

Do any of you here know what its like for a woman to call a man a bitch? lol

bodicasway

I’m totally in agreement with you, we’ve all been hurt, so hurt, but, we have to keep moving on, this is our life, not theirs…they don’t get to defeat you.
Is there honestly something about you or me or any of us that makes us any less than any other?
No, there isn’t.
You are just as deserving as anyone to have love and respect and the right to be treated with kindness.
I would like to soothe your feelings of shame for falling into your sociopath s.o. sick head games…but you have to learn from the pain of shame as well as the pain of the hurt they inflicted on you to get you there.
When you own your feelings you can start somewhere to recover them, and enforce your space of peace and harmony.

Dave

well said bodicasway.

none of us are control freaks, but we do have to take control of our situations in order to move on. I am still in love , however this time seems different, now that ive educated myself with what/who im dealing with, im starting to notice now a numbness in me that I didn’t have before while separated from her. And I think that numbness is coming from the fact that I now know who and what she is and it isn’t me and it will never be better, it still hurts like hell, but the last few days at times I feel numb to my feelings towards her, and it is helping. I pray at night and morning for the strength to endure another day and make wise decisions, and for the safety of my 2 kids up there with this maniac. I can only hope one day that I get my shit straight and can somehow take custody before too much damage is done to my kids, they are 8 and 5, its still my responsibility to help shape and mold them, once they are grown and out of the nest its their problem, but right now its mine, but I have to get myself right before I can help make others right.

I know if this happens she will claim im a poor excuse for a father, I neglect my kids ect ect…but right now I cant focus on spending every moment with my kids, I have to do me so later I can do my kids. This sucks ass badly!!!!

I need a ghostbusters sign on my car without the ghost that says spath,,,LOL.

bodicasway

Thats hilarious!
Keep making that day to day decision, it all adds up in the end. I wish I could give you some kind of advice on how to not appear to be an absentee father in this, maybe just don’t stop trying to communicate with the kids and keep a record of your efforts.
Anyone else out there have advice in this?

Dave

oh I call often to speak with them right before bed, but im a 100 miles away and with my car on the verge of breakdown, and being broke I simply cannot go get them but MAYBE once a month if even that, once my car is fixed and I have some income then yes once a month or every other weekend will work.

They are just so used to me being there, I was there for both C sections, being the first to hold each child (other than the nurse that cleaned them off) my daughter is particularly attached as ive spent more time with her than my son. They were gone for the weekend when she kicked me out, so they came home only to find me gone. But if I have no money or car, I cannot see them, so I need to fix me, fix my car, have money, so then I can spend time with them.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

u know, i would log ur calls. i would get a return receipt for any cards u sent or gifts. i would call every nite if she lets u. simply ask for the kids and dont take any bait from her to “talk” b4 the kids get on the phn.
i would get 3 jobs if i had to walk to them so i got income quickly and start sending her checks, weekly, very consistently, help with back to school clothes, music lessons, etc.
these are all the things i use against the spath wenever he gets a whim to try any shyt with me. he called the cops on me once, well im not sure he actually did, but he said he had sooooo…now HE WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. i may be scared shitless he could kidnap the kids any day w/his psycho family’s help but i will never let him know that lol. i call his bluff. hes nothing but a pathetic blob of inhuman tissue.
he calls only wen he misses them or some family member rides his ass hard enough about calling and he wants something from sed family member…every few months lol
i never even know what state he’s living in. i always pray he has found a new “shiny” to play with, then i pray God forgive me for asking for another woman to get F-d in the head. i wish he’d have more kids–more shinys, PLS GOD…then I think wat an awful thing to wish on a poor child.
he never has sent a gift to the girls or a dime in support since he left almost 3 yrs ago.
he has even at least called on christmas, thanksgiving or their birthdays only very inconsistently.
he doesnt care about them. its all ABOUT HIM. thats a SPATH. the world is HIM.
i wish i could tape the calls to show he doesnt even know wat to say to them. i havent quite got that far yet. (i was keeping txts tho…that mite be an excellent ides to show how psycho she is wen its just u 2 and WATCH WAT YOU SAY OR TXT OR EMAIL HER, always be civil if not polite and take NO BAIT to fight)
after 30-90 sec, he’s always like, ok, lemme talk to ur mom now. and then im like wat? if he’s starts bitching or complaining at me, im like do u have anything u need to tell me cuz i dont care to hear u whine. then he gets pissy and he’s done or i hang up as i’m not talked to that way, thank yo u very much. YAY i win, goodbye spath.
so just try to document ur trying to be as best a dad u can, so in court, u look WONDERFUL (and actually be trying, be WORKING doing SUMthing, etc). dont try to show how crazy she is or how bad she is. let her hang herself. my crazy-ex ties the rope around his own neck in court. i just sit silent. maybe urs wont be as obliging, many spaths are good liars and actors. so document and be civil.

Stargazer

Dear aint: I was not able to reply directly to your post. But sounds like you are on the right track. Please be kind to yourself and celebrate the small victories. I struggle with food addiction myself.

I’m sitting here drinking a vile concoction of pear celery kale lime parsley juice. It’s part of a 3-day detox diet. A year ago I never thought I’d have the discipline to do something like this. It’s very hard. As my body and mind are clearing out, old repressed emotions are coming up, which is the reason I eat crap in the first place. I’m an emotional eater – it’s my drug of choice. I still struggle with it, but I’m at least aware of the connection, which is a small victory for me. Yesterday was the second day of my cleanse. I was at work and there were cookies. I couldn’t resist having a bunch of them – right in the middle of my cleanse. Oh well, today is another day. About an hour after I ate the cookies, my sinuses clogged up and I felt tired. It was good to see the direct relationship between my health and what I put in my body. My energy is back and my sinuses are clear this morning. But I’m feeling a lot of anger. This is difficult for me. I’m craving all kinds of crap to eat. But I don’t keep crap in the house anymore, and I’m not at work today. So I can do it.

You keep up the good work, too.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

oh Stargazer if u could get ur bld sugar balanced, u wudnt rly want eat those cookies, let alone eat them! i can watch someone eat watever it is that’s my favorite treat and I Won’t Want It. rly. once im physiologically balanced. its not a food addiction, its a physical issue. those cravings are physical, not mental. u dont have to be diagnosed a diabetic to have bld sugar issues. ur cells arent getting the glucose becuz ur insulin resistant and have a metabolism thats not so status quo — so ur stinkin starvin even tho u eat and eat. add any other hormone problem…thryoid, adrenals, etc and yeah they like to travel in pairs and groups, and uve got a body that is sooo messed up and then u beat urself up for no willpower. willpower is wen u starve urself. its stupid. wen u eat correctly, u need no willpower, u will not eat too much and calories arent the problem anyway. my rule of thumb is if i want bad carbs or too much of the good carbs, im doing something wrong the last meal or three, getting my body out of whack.
wen im balanced, i can eat just one cookie and BE HAPPY about it. sounds remarkable huh? like this is how metabolism-typical ppl live! lucky them. stinks for us, but its just life. its a genetic thing, cant change it, just can work around it so we’re happy. i recommend highly D. Kress’s bk, Metabolism Miracle–your library prob has a copy. Ive studied this whole aspect of health for several decades now and she’s not perfect in her bk (she’s anti-fat, which is just silly) but she’s fine-tuned what all i’ve found over the yrs as far as scientifically –ive taken quite a few science college courses in human A&P and someday may even get my degree lol.
i know ur pain in this area. it DOES HELP to have this area taken care of; daily u have to be aware of ur choices, not just food, but activity and stress levels, but its not hard. then u have the literal energy to heal mentally.
of course u cant change some of the stress in ur life, like wat ur recovering from. but u *can* not let ANYTHING ELSE in to stress u rite now. it affects u physiologically, like the stressed fascia in ur shoulder causing the pain in ur hip. some medical/science ppl dont believe it, but as a LMT u KNOW its true as u relieve ur clt’s pain.

Stargazer

Dear aint, thanks for the info. I’ll ask about this when I get my physical this month. At my last physical, my blood levels were all excellent, and I had the physical health of someone much younger than my age. I know sugar addiction can be hormonal. I’m just starting my period, and I always crave chocolate around then (I’m 53 and still get periods). I am also premenopausal so this may have something to do with it. But I know the food cravings are also emotional.

The thing you said that stands out in my mind is about being full but still feeling like your starving. This happens to me a lot. It happened yesterday. My stomach was full. But I felt like I was starving. I often feel hungry on the paleo diet that I follow. Maybe I will have my blood sugar tested.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

ur eating pears on the paleo diet?
and if ur hungry on the paleo diet–are u eating enough fat?
the reason u get hungry most likely is that when u eat, the glucose cant get INto ur most cells to make energy, it goes str8 into ur fat cells, hence fat increases which puts out estrogen which increases ur insulin resistance (its a happy lil cycle NOT). ur brain cells prefer glucose so they scream at u to eat sugary things or too much good carbs. they will chill in a few days tho and make glucose from protein or fat thru gluconeogenesis. thats why ppl can go on those NO carb diets and not become brain dead lol. the brain doesnt want to do this unless its absolutely forced to.
see wat im saying? its not a food addiction or willpower. its simple physiology.
now i too, get extremely hungry around my period. i just am, now matter how balanced i am those days b4. there are other hormones like leptin and ghrelin that affect appetite. i think the hormones that tell the uterus to shed affect these also. and in me, already so delicately holding it together lol, it pushes me over the edge. we’ll see in a few yrs wen im menopausal. i think alot of women have this, not just me. i prefer chocolate a few days b4 my period comes, wen im eating wrong, but when im eating well for my needs, i am extremely hungry for anything, real food mmmmfoodmmmm Me Want Food!
one test at the drs isnt conclusive tho. there are many reasons why ur sugar could be high (ie physical pain) or even low (ie reactive hypoglycemia). some drs dont use the newer numbers yet…anything over 100 for fasting is not good. member how they changed the bp numbers and the cholesterol numbers?
just try eating differently. that’s the real test. get that book for alot of help–& nope i have no financial interest in her book!

Stargazer

Aint: The juice of one pear is on the detox diet. I believe you can have any kind of fruit on the paleo diet (not sure about bananas). I could be wrong. I modify it a bit. I eat sweet potatoes, bananas, beans, and a few other things. Occasionally I have brown rice or use rice flour. I also cheat about 15% of the time. They want you to occasionally spike your insulin levels so you don’t go into ketosis (where your body thinks you’re starving and starts storing fat). I don’t follow the diet religiously, but I stick to it most of the time. The hardest times are the 3 days a week I’m in the office because of all the temptations. It’s rare for me to crave stuff if I don’t see it, smell it, or hear about it. It’s nearly impossible for me to avoid chocolate when I’m premenstrual, but I will only eat it if it’s right in front of me. The rest is just habit. Once I have one bite, I want the whole bag. If I can avoid the first bite, I’m good.I hope some day not to work in an office anymore so I won’t be constantly tempted. Granted, some days there is no temptation at all.

I originally started a gluten-free diet when I read Breaking the Vicious Cycle by Elaine Gotschall. This book is about intestinal health, and there is a direct correlation – as you would expect – between what you eat and your intestinal health. They also link the bad bacteria from eating refined sugar and processed foods to autism, schizophrenia, and a host of other conditions. So I originally cut out starches for promoting intestinal health. The weight loss part is an added bonus. I use almond flour when I need flour and olive oil instead of butter. But I will go out once a week and have something like chicken Parmesan with all the cheese, breading and sauce. But then I’ll substitute a vegetable for the pasta and skip the bread. Once in a while, though, I will savor the bread if it’s really good.

The problem with breads and pastas, besides the weight-gaining aspect is that they are all brominated these days. Bromine is toxic to the body and is linked with cancer because it contributes to iodine deficiency. I think, however, that as long as you don’t have a wheat allergy, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying bread or pasta once in a while. I pick and choose my poisons. I think I’ve had pasta once in two years. And then it was rice noodles. I also dance and go to the gym a lot.

When I started the new diet and regular exercise, I went from a size 8/10 down to a 4, and I seem to be holding there. For some reason, this holiday season, it felt like a struggle. I was fine the last two years.

Thanks again for the info. I will see if I can check that book out of the library.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

if u have trouble with gluten even in whole, intact grains like brown rice (yes ik thats gluten free lol) or hulled oats groats or barley, then after ur healed, try reintroducing them BUT soak them first, similar to soaking beans prior to cooking. its a traditional way of eating that worked for thousands of yrs. simply add a tablespoon of plain yogurt to each cup of water u need with ur grain. soak on the counter for 12-24 hrs. this releases all the nutrients u wudnt get, but more importantly destroys alot of the anti nutrients, like phytates. u can do this with flour too but i’d stick to intact grains if u have problems with sugar cravings.
of course the paleo diet severely limits ur grains but if u ever go off that try soaking. Nourishing Traditions is an excellent book on this whole way of eating; Sally Fallon is the author. revolutionary book applying the work of researcher from the 1920s, Weston A Price.
healing the psyche is hard work and we deserve the best fuel-medicine we can give our body so our mind can get better! i think u’d like this book and its a good “the other side of the story” re: fats in Metab Miracle.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i was a size 5 in high school. i am not a big person, almost petite-framed. wish i cud get down to an 8 lol.
i wud have more self-confidence for sure! altho i think i need to listen to other ppl once in a while when they say RUN. my one friend wud rly like to SLAP the bpd very hard. a few times. still. shes not getting over it lol
i gotta learn self-RESPECT. and not to push my boundaries (stems from the respect thing), cuz i got the rest of my life. i keep telling myself that. the REST OF MY LIFE. get well now, hélène.

LADIES- JERK ALERT: If you run across 8999John on Evow.com or any other online dating site BEWARE! I recently dated John J Thomas who described himself on the site: “DIVORCED”, “I am very loyal and have never cheated”I am looking for a LTR hopefully with a Christian woman or someone who is interested in investigating a Christian life” I am not perfect and do not expect you to be perfect. I am not the jealous type. I trust that we are faithful to each other.” Sounds like what every woman is looking for doesn’t it? Unfortunately, he dishonors his Marine background and he mocks his Christian ethics (especially since he is a retired minister) because he is not truthful. He told me he had been divorced for two years.
We had a whirlwind relationship, he proposed and we had planned a wedding for November, 2013 at his church in Sun City, AZ. He had told me on our 1st date I was free to do a background check (which I did and he was not a criminal or had financial instability), he said he had no secrets and I could look at look at anything in his house. During a family emergency *SEE BELOW in late September I was looking for next of kin I came across his UNSIGNED divorce papers dated 7/13/2013, which I must not have put back exactly as I found them because before I had a chance to ask him about his still being married he picked a fight and broke the engagement and told me to leave, which I did. It would have been difficult to do since he was still MARRIED ! At least he saved me from marrying a bigamist. I will never know for sure what other lies he told me.
On Sept 16, 2013 he texted me that the “WORST” had happened and that both grandchildren ( his daughter’s) had died in a car crash in Grenoble, France and that he was en-route to handle the details. 4 days later he returned bereft… Pastor Neil even came and prayed with him over his LOSS. I thought I would give him a bit of time to grieve before I asked about the divorce papers. Before I did he picked a fight and broke our engagement.
I posted the break up on Facebook as I had out engagement and was contacted by a women, she said she saw our engagement and break up and thought she should let me know that he was still married to her (Wife #6) thanks to Wife #6 I was able to be in contact with Wife #5 and get more info. He had told #6 the same tragic stories about his daughter dying in a car crash 3 years before. He didn’t tell her about his 2 adult grandchildren (daughter’s) that lived in England. Wife #5 had been with him for 20 years ( until 2012) and told us that he hadn’t seen either of his children since they were in their teens and that she had never heard of any grandchildren.
Wife #5 said yes he had been a Highway Patrolman but had NEVER been a Minister. A former cleric friend and Pastor of mine in WA state verified he was not listed in their synod.
He also said he had been a POW in Viet Nam and left the Marines as a high ranking officer. My retired Marine Private Investigator has been unable to verify this.

John did have many good qualities; he was very affectionate, supportive of my business, generous with loving little gifts but being truthful wasn’t one of them. Obviously, commitment wasn’t a problem for him since he was married 6 times that we know of. He found me a week after kicking out Wife #6. He was already looking for #7 a couple of weeks after our break up. Thanks to him I know what to look for in my next relationship as well as a copy of a divorce decree.
This is obviously embarrassing for me to tell but am doing it so he doesn’t “emotionally scam” some other woman! Yes, I was hurt because I trusted this man, now I am angry and don’t want any other women to go through what I did. So if someone seems to be too good be wary, if I could be taken in so might you.

Stargazer

Ain’t: For some reason the reply button is not showing for your posts. If not too much trouble, could you please tell me in a nutshell what that book says about fat? Fat is not a problem in the paleo diet as long as it is not saturated or coming from processed foods. BTW, I do not have a gluten allergy and I can eat as much as I want. I just gave it up for health purposes and to be at my optimal weight. I’ve never heard of the soaking for grains, though. Really good information. I wonder if that’s why this current detox diet calls for soaked raw almonds? Soaked in spring water with sea salt.

I was never more than 20 lbs overweight, but I lost in in the last few years, and my confidence level has definitely increased. It’s something to look forward to…..looking good in your clothes and feeling good about how you feel.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

sat fat is GOOD fat. yeah i shudda known the paleo diet resigned u to skinless chicken breast. butter is good as is whole fat dairy. full of vit A. beta carotene & vit A are *not* the same thing. egg yolks have vit D even. sigh. the lipid hypothesis was one of the biggest food scams ever perpetrated on the american public.
metab miracle follows current politically correct nutrition advice about fat. just ignore that part of the book and eat fat. u’ll do much better and feel better. n those doritos & cakes wont hold so much sway over you…u want the fat in them! my dad wont touch eggs or whole milk or butter or real mayo/sour cream or gravy or or, but every nite hes GOTTA have ice cream, well duh…his poor bodys screaming for FAT.
yes soaked nuts & seeds are much better for u too (& yes, with them its salt, not yogurt to soak). however 99% of spring water is no better for u than tap water. buy distilled or ozonated or reverse osmosis filtered water. esp if u eat alot of nuts & seeds (theyre great for u) u’ll want to soak them as they can cause alot of GI upset otherwise. flaxseeds seem to be an exception…u can just grind them fresh in a coffee mill daily and theyre ok for the GI tract. chia seeds dont need soaking OR grinding either. (theyre an expensive althernative to flax)
so far today im doing exceptionally well and its even my birthday. of course theres no special dinner or anything so that helps, but i cudda eaten bad stuff anyway–i love to bake–and im not. a few more days of this and i’ll be seriously into getting healthy again and balancing my insulin/glucose levels. omg pls god. if i cud just succeed at SOMEthing rite now.

Stargazer

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I probably misspoke about saturated fats – I am unsure of all the terminology. They don’t want you eating stuff like Crisco oil. But olive oil and various other types of fats are allowed. I always keep the skin on chicken and eat steaks with fat on them. Eggs are allowed, too. I just don’t happen to like them. I have read that the bigger problem with fat is when it is consumed with a lot of starches, as in McDonalds, but I don’t recall the exact reason. Fats and proteins together – not problem. I try to avoid dairy just because it clogs my sinuses, but I do have a little butter from time to time. I substitute almond milk for cow’s milk. I tend to have a lot of energy and am extraordinarily healthy for a 53 year old (knock on wood). Most people can’t believe my age – they think I’m at least 10 years younger and sometimes they even guess late 30’s though that’s stretching it a bit. I have never been this healthy, even when I was younger. I keep learning about nutrition – it’s a fascinating topic. The detox is amazing.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

ah yes, lovely birthday ~cough cough~ thank god the day is over, the holidays are over, i can just hurt now on a normal basis without the extra kick thrown in. it helps he did not contact me to wish me happy birthday. i thot he mite. it just gives me that one more reason to dump him out of my heart. cold cold cold cuz i wont play by his F-d up rules. so be it. one day farther on my way.
u were probably thinking of transfat. that’s bad. olive oil is monosat. polysats are bad too, ur typical veg oils. try eating eggs in smoothies, dont know theyre in there, rly. eggs are super good for u. of course u want eggs from pastured hens that eat worms and bugs…chickens are not vegetarians so those cartons proclaiming “fed a veghead diet” are simple politically correct nonsense.
raw milk, once uve healed ur immune system, mite be tolerated, even if its just in yogurt. raw milk is like rly rly rly amazing. u do realize there is very little protein in almond milk & only artificial calcium & vit D & A (if they put them in at all). that means those nutrients are hardly absorbed. nut/seed/soymilk are not true subs for milk. u have to make up for the real milk-nutrients-lack with other foods. i hope ur taking 1000mg calcium with cod liver oil daily–the expensive CLO–so ur D & A are up to good levels. u dont want ur bones cracking in ten yrs.
we’ll be in our prime then n we’ll want to dance!

Stargazer

Yes, transfat……and now suddenly I’m craving Doritos. I used to love those back in the day. I may try raw milk. I have a very good immune system – I just don’t tolerate dairy well. Not sure about the raw eggs – I had salmonella once or something like that and it wasn’t pretty. Thanks for the info about almond milk. No, I don’t take any supplements and don’t know if I would have the discipline to do this every day. I’m about to order some Herbalife shakes. Do you know anything about these? Good? Bad? I’m glad you had a spath-free birthday. Hoping by the time your next birthday rolls around, it will be much better.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i dont know about them specifically but if theyre a powder, they dont qualify as food in my book. eat food. cheaper for u too most likely. wen u isolate things, the synergism btwn the whole nutrient spectrum is lost and mite be the key to health for some ppl. IE Calcium needs boron and phosphorus to be asborbed. just taking calcium doesnt work very well. eat the whole food, stay away from pills and powders…wen i take herbs (superfoods) i take tinctures too. the whole plant was tinctured. i feel its better even than the best made powdered supplements in a cap or tab. cheap, pasteurized, unorganic milk is better than dried organic milk powder. drying the milk denatures the protein for one thing and destroys alot of other things. always eat as real (perishable) as possible. its a pain cuz it goes bad quickly but its so much better for u.
i look at taking CLO or other wholefood supplements and my daily flaxseed or even daily bean and or greens serving(s) as me caring for myself, i deserve to be cared for. i feel good about myself wen i do it. try that mindframe 🙂

Stargazer

SandyHeart, thanks for the warning. I’m wondering if the reason I haven’t met too many sociopaths on dating sites is because I avoid the ones that quote bible phrases or talk a lot about religion. If one of those types contacts me, I just tell them I’m not a Christian. It’s amazing how many say they don’t care, and yet it’s SO important to them in their profile. There’s a red flag right there. So many spaths seem to hide behind religion. I don’t think all Christian men are like this, but a lot of spaths wave it around like a banner. Sounds like you got a real winner there. To me, truly spiritual people don’t need to prove anything with their religion, and they don’t need to wave it around like a banner.

Stargazer

Dear ain’t: Not sure why I can’t reply directly to your posts. Maybe cause they’re too new. I used to be a distributor for Herbalife many years ago. I got so much energy from their shakes, and I remember there was some scientific reason why they worked so well in helping your intestines absorb the nutrients from the food you eat. It had something to do with the cilia – the little hairs in the intestines getting flattened down, and the Herbalife restores them which aids in absorption. I will have to research this more. So much to learn about nutrition. Since I work out a lot, I need a lot of protein, so I think it might not be a bad way to start the day. Of course I’d love to eat only raw, organic foods at all times, but it’s just not realistic for my budget and my lifestyle. My God, the 5-day detox is like a full time job! Between making daily salads, juicing veggies, juicing ginger for salad dressing, making desserts, cooking soups, etc., I barely have time for anything else. It’s really great to do it though. Physically I feel great and have a lot of energy. I’m into day 4 now. One more day to go. I figured out how to reconcile the cookies I had on Thursday….I will just write this in as part of the detox plan. 😉

I look forward to a day when I can be completely self-employed and can have more time for self-care, including food preparation. I don’t know how people take care of themselves when they have stressful 40-hour-a-week jobs.

I have several friends who are doing Herbalife, and they positively glow with health. The transformation was amazing. Of course, it’s part of their total fitness plan, so they are also doing Zumba and working out. I watched one of my friends drop 50 lbs in 6 months. She got really buff and is now a Zumba instructor and personal trainer. It’s hard to get over the difference.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

try feeding kids too lol
wen i was working fulltime last year and had an hr commute both ways i had to still make sure my kids ate. i had the sitter do some very basic things, even just start spaghetti as i got home about 6.30. but alot of my off-time was spent planning, prepping, cooking ahead–>food. i literally made menus so she’d feed them correctly (she had no clue to eat, ive known her since she was 2) and use up planned-overs. she got rid of some allergies and hooked on real fats and real salt. she got more energy and went for walks [she’s extremely lazy :0]. she loves it wen i make barley/oats or kale/chard/collards & give her some (cook em in juices from baking or crockpotting a chicken/turkey/roast and salt well).
i wish working out would do it for me. i lose absolutely nothing until my hormones are balanced, even working out daily (which i do love). i feel better, sleep better, get muscles under the fat but nothing budges till my diet is correct. there are many many ppl like me so i laugh wen i see calories in/calories out stuff. IF u have the right metab, it’ll work, if not, well… We have an epidemic of Type2 diabetes, etc now. and its all lifestyle choice. its very sad. there are at least as many ppl with metabs that are not “typical” as there are ppl who have that happy metab where u just “cut back”. but its hard to get medical ppl to recognize this … or anyone else lol.
thot of another good book about fat being important: D. Schwarzbein’s The Schwarzbein Principle (there are actually 3 bks and a ckbk–ur library has them). Good complement to the Metab Miracle; Metab Miracle finetunes the ideas in the Schw Principle and informs u so u can ignore the anti-fat bias of Metab Miracle. the 1st 2 bks in the Schw series are just chockful of info, period. She is a eat real food, not processed person also. Metab Miracle relies a little heavily on fake foods–lowcarb breads (just cut out bread or eat a small amt of real bread/wraps), low fat this and that, supplement pills. But u can easily just sub real food for it. She also emphasizes exercise. So its well rounded.
ive enjoyed chatting with u about this all. hope u’ve gotten something out of it 🙂 i hope others reading it sometime will incorporate some ideas & get their bodies well-er to help their emotional & mental healing…theres a big mental-somatic connection. eating crap and drinking crap is a big disservice to urself, hard as it may be the first days of stopping it. it will be worth it if can possibly change some daily diet things. wgt loss is not the issue wen ur reeling from the abuse, but physically feeling a little better can help 🙂
~~shyt, i feel better just *caring* for ME~~

Stargazer

Dear ain’t: The nutrition discussion may interest a few people. It’s a good discussion. I will check that book out from the library. My main form of work out is dancing. I do it every day in some form or other, and it’s taken off 20 lbs. It doesn’t feel like working out at all. I do a few free weights at the gym and pilates in my living room, but those feel like more of a chore. If anyone likes to dance, I highly recommend it as an aerobic workout. Zumba and salsa are my main ones, but I also love hip hop and reggaeton or just going out to see live bands.

Regarding the kids discussion – that’s reason #457 why I don’t have any. lol It’s all I can do to take care of mySELF.

Viewpoint

Renata,
I wish you’d been sitting with a group of gal pals of mine as we got to thinking of writing a book about those “Come Again?” wincing things we’d done in the throes of some guy’s play. The stories we confessed to got us laughing silly. And we all agreed that a book like that (sans sermon)would do our sisters good… If not for a laugh, for knowing that a lot of great sisters have checked their good sense at the door at one time or another.

So, you done did that and won’t do it again. You’re going to be all right. Give yourself a pass on this one because the rest of us did.

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