Editor’s note: This letter was sent in by Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Renata.”
I know, as far as abuse stories go, this isn’t a doozy. I’m sure other women and men have gone through far worse. And that is precisely why I want to share my story, because, even though this guy isn’t a major abuser, he’s a manipulative, conniving and voracious predator.
He will believe he is using his charm and “kindness” to befriend women who are vulnerable and heartbroken, giving them something to feel good about, over and over. He will lead them down the rosy garden path, all the while knowing that he has NO intention of reciprocating a safe and loving relationship. He only uses his “victims” for entertainment value, for his own egocentric gratification. It is without a doubt one of the worst abuses of the online dating process out there, and exactly the reason so many people want to avoid this option.
I met this guy through a single parents dating network. At the time I meant to just meet local guys for something casual. I was only just starting the dating process after being single for six years, and had really very little idea of how to go about it.
We started a humorous and lighthearted exchange over the internet for a few weeks ”¦ I knew he lived hours away, so I really didn’t WANT to start anything that might eventually lead to a long distance relationship.
Intensity turned up a notch
Quite out of the blue, he turned the intensity of the communication up a notch or two. Meanwhile, it did cross my mind that his intensity was a little out of place. I had not given him any reason to ask me for pictures ”¦ or anything more than just simple back and forth joking. Suddenly he was making innuendos, asking for “more” from me than I really felt comfortable giving.
Mistakenly I thought it was because he was intensely interested in me. I know I’m not the hottest catch, and I don’t try to be, so his attention was a little odd. Somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice was crying to be heard, “This is really out of place, he has no reason to have these intense feelings for you, slow it down.” But, I still let my neediness for attention lead, and he didn’t fail to deliver, at least for a few weeks ”¦ it was a constant barrage of communication.
Meanwhile, I fell into the trap of sending pictures. At first it was innocent “selfies,” and then, as he begged for more, I started sending more than I felt comfortable with. Within three or four months, I was hooked. I was so completely head over heels with him.
Dating other women
Finally he came to visit me, we had a great time, except for the last day, when he said “I’ll just keep you a little longer, and then I’ll throw you back.”
“If that’s how you feel about me, then why wait?” was my reply.
To make a long story short, I still kept it up with him, falsely telling myself it didn’t matter to me if he dated others, because of course, he put our relationship on the back burner. I hardly ever heard from him, and when I did, it was just a few words. He hadn’t told me he was dating other women, or that he was still looking, I just KNEW, and then he confirmed it when I finally got up the nerve to talk to him and get everything out in the open.
Lies by omission
He claimed to have never misled me, which is true, his lies by omission precluded any delusions of safety.
He claimed that even though he DOES love me, he loves lots of other women too, and he should be able to have sex with whomever he wants whenever he wants, and he will never ever want to be in a committed relationship or marriage. I know that he had a few of those in the past, though, women that he moved in with, and I believe he did that because they were financially well off. But I believe that he still kept up his polyandrous flings while with them, which is why they all ended as disasters.
Ugh, I feel like I just made a fool of myself with this guy. And I need to get him behind me, but first, I need to warn other women about him.
Renata,
Reading your story is like reading mine and so many others here. You brought back a memory for me when we first starting seeing each other he said the same thing ” I think I will keep you for a bit longer” I laughed at this then but reading your story and now knowing what I know…tears roll down my face. Leading me on and yes lies by omission. He was so “hot and heavy” wanting me to send him pictures of which I too was not comfortable with. He would say to me ” I am only 10 quesstions away from sleeping with any women” He knew within 10 questions if she was a perfect taget. Low self esteem. Low self-respect, not confident, conflict early in childhood. He knew what to ask and listen intently only to “get an in with her”. After the last cheating affair I had no choice but to walk away. But I still hurt and ache knowing he used me and left me to “bleed out” without a second thought after 5 years and many promises of marriage. Keep reading on this site and thank you for your story as this proves to all of us that these men exist.
Geez, its good to know I’m not alone,but hearing about things he might have well said to someone else, makes me kind of angry.
Nothing we did asked for someone to use us. We just fell into a trap.
Not gonna happen again,
right?
Right!
Renata,
I think there are likely alot of us here who didn’t have our fortunes stolen, or our kids taken from us, but who, none-the-less, had our hearts bashed and our eyes opened.
My last run-in was similar to yours, though I did have a ‘relatiohship’ for about 9 months. Met online (Craigslist). Went on date. Started doing things that made me uncomfortable. Ignored my own internal warning system (discomfort, anxiety, worry, unrest, feeling creeped out and unsure), and eventually was made so miserable I got out.
It is so incredibly important to listen to that initial discomfort, and those little ‘what?’ thoughts. They are the only real warnings we get when we are dealing with a liar. It’s those ‘gut’ feelings we have, that most of us ignore, that save us. I ignored my feelings too, if it is any consolation.
Strange, how even a short relationsham with one of these types can illicit such strong feelings of shame and embarrassment in the targets. Being intentinally lied to, and finding that we have chosen to ignore our feelings, and believe the lies, just feels horrible. No matter how long or short the interaction.
And then having to wake up to the reality that where that ‘person’ came from, there are many more. Well, it really sucks at first.
But over time the awareness doesn’t feel so heavy. In fact, I feel relieved to know what I now know. I feel like the price I paid was worth being able to more thoroughly protect myself from future entanglements. And, I feel like my priorities changed so much, and my false beliefs corrected, that it allowed me to create a better life for myself. Before I think I was somewhat doomed to be perpetually attracted to the illusions these types create.
Now I like reality. MUCH more!
So, as much as you can ease up on the embarrassment. You didn’t imagine someone could be so deceptively calculating. None of us did.
Slim
Thank you for sharing, every one of these helps me to remember learn and move on!
This guy is easy to identify. He is what in my generation call a “Player”. He burned you good, he even told you what he was going to do.
There was NOTHING wrong with what you wanted, validation, attention, affection, etc. Your mistake was who you let in your door. A snake. A scorpion. A troll.
The purpose of dating is to assess whether he’s worth the next date. ONLY the NEXT date. Use dating to separate the trolls/snakes/scorpions from the possibilities.
And don’t beat yourself up for getting deceived by a snake. It’s been done FOREVER (poor Eve).
But if you see a snake, exit ASAP. Better to be sad that he’s a waste/a snake and move on, than to let yourself be the meat for a snake.
Don’t feed the snakes. Don’t carry a scorpion over the waters of passion. Don’t bite the bait of a troll.
I love your analogy…as the old story goes, about the scorpion and the turtle…the scorpion could not help himself, this was the way he was made.
Thank you.
My only fear is that ill be overly paranoid now and I may scare off someone who actually is right for me. If I start seeing even 1-2 things in the next woman similar to my ex its gonna freak me out, and they may be nothing, but I wont want to chance falling for her just to find out shes the same as the last one and go through this all over again.
This sucks!!!
I’m scared to death of going through the same thing again…just remember, you don’t HAVE to yet…why not take this time to heal, identify what led you to make a choice in the partner you did?
AND then don’t make the same choice, not everyone is like these creeps, but I betcha a dissproportionate amount of them love the internet for this reason, where else can you pretend to be anything?
Dave – Give yourself time – it does take time to recover. We have many articles here on Lovefraud that may help you.
Hi
I fear I will be overly sensitive to the point of selfishness with my new relationship.
My kids who are 18 and 15 still don’t want anything to do with me, and it has made me intolerant of other children. I can’t be anywhere near them. I run from them in the Store and everywhere else. It hurts too much.
I am in a relationship with my best friend since childhood at this time. He is divorced with 3 kids. When he has his kids I can’t be anywhere near him or them. I have spent my entire life being a people pleaser and would rather be unhappy than make someone else unhappy.
Now after getting away from my marriage to a sociopath, I am trying so hard to make sure that I am never falling into that spin cycle again. I feel like I may be a selfish bitch. I feel such resentment towards my kind man I am with now because he has his kids and I don’t. I know it is wrong, but I feel that way.
I don’t want to loose the kind parts of me because of what my x did to me, yet I fear some of that is gone to collateral damage.
Idk. It is all hard
Soulsisters, I can’t imagine how painful it is to lose your two children, especially due to an evil person. You have many losses to grieve for, even though I don’t believe it’s set in stone that your children have left for good. When you have gone through more healing, you may find yourself opening up more and being less contracted around other children. It’s so important to open yourself up to what is good around you right now, and try to stay in the present moment. You may find that being around other kids can even bring some joy into your life. If you hold onto resentment, it will eventually poison your relationship, and the sociopath wins. Now I gotta tell you, I’ve been on this site for many years, and I’ve read a LOT of stories about sociopaths. Mine is a doozy as well. And NEVER have I thought any one of them deserves to win! Don’t let him win. Your bitterness and resentment are his reward for a job well done on his part. You are better and can do better than to let him defeat you.
Stargazer – what a thoughtful and insightful comment for Soulsisters. Thank you for your contributions!
Dear Renata,
If this is the worse thing that’s ever happened to you, you should thank God.
It is a lesson to women and men to stay off the internet; it is filled with piranhas. The few good people on there, and let me emphasize very few, are devoured by all the wolves and toyed with like you………….or worse, way worse.
By your own admission, you say that you knew he wasn’t interested in a long term relationship and was seeing other women, but you went ahead anyway. Do you really have anyone else to blame?
I too think the internet is a dangerous place for dating etc and would never use it to meet anyone. But psychos are everywhere! I met mine when he came to decorate my home. We got on famously and I took a long time deciding whether to become involved in a relationship with him. He appeared different because we were ‘friends’ first, and because of our backgrounds we actually had a lot in common (even common friends in the past). I don’t think the issue is about BLAME. When our emotions are involved, when the hidden desire to be in a relationship (although outwardly independent)and the need to be loved converge I think it is easy to accept second best. Obviously in my case there are clearly issues I now need to address regarding my own inner child and the lifelong (private) lack of self-worth. But I do not use the word BLAME or FAULT! Possibly because he did! Constantly! We need to be gentle with ourselves….. it’s always easier for those on the outside to see it all clearly. The saying “Can’t see the wood for the trees” comes to mind.
I just happened to come on here and see what people might have said in reply to my experience. One of the things I need to know the most is: has anyone else been through this? How do they handle those feelings of shame and rejection…thankfully this has been great for that.
I wanted to send this in, without a life story to go with it, because I wanted to warn other women and men too…its really easy to get sucked into their games.
No, this isn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me,and really its been a lifetime of conditioning for a victim role that I fell into easily over and over again…now I’m ready to do something different, are you?
I think the point is not how she met the guy. Sociopaths are everywhere. It’s that some unmet childhood needs for attention made her vulnerable to the love bombing (as was true with most of us) and kept her around even after he started playing games. You can meet some pretty nice people on the internet (WE are here on the internet) if you know what situations to avoid, such as long-distance pen pal relationships or guys who want to marry you in the first few weeks. I think if the message we come away from this is “stay off the internet – there are predators there,” then we are missing the point. The point is personal responsibility for our unmet needs. This is what makes us vulnerable – not being on the internet.
Excellent!
Renata:
We have been down that road….My ex sp told me he didn’t know whether to stand me up (for our date) or to impregnate me…his words…he stood me up…and I still continued the relationship.He would make a date and then when it was near time to meet, he would call me and toy with me on the phone, pretending he couldn’t make it and then pull up to my car and laugh….
Whether on the internet or at a bar or at our church, these kind of men are everywhere….as you read here on LF, you will become better equipped to “see” them and how to avoid them. and why you are vulnerable to them, although many are deceived on the basis of their lies…and promises….
Once we can “see” the red flags flapping in front of our noses, we can stop and think about how we feel and know what we should do..
Stargazer:
I agree with you about the internet. Yes, we are on the internet!! Good point…even here on LF a sp or two have masqueraded toying with the good people on this site…happily, they were pointed out by more experienced ones who had been on this site a long time…
I met my sp while he came to check cable work. He was a supervisor and poured on charm, caring and fellow feeling…what a mask and what a lie…for 5 years….
Just ended a 3 month talk on the phone, two lunches with an old high school friend…laid on charm, but I wasn’t buyin…I just talked on the phone and waited to see what would happen. I got all my answers and found out he is big drinker, told me stories over and over like he’d never told me before, and then wam, got mad because I couldn’t date him at his whim…
So waiting and taking your time with a guy, all the while watching what is really going on, takes a bit of time granted but no need to play out your heart in the beginning, and taking your time will show you some very interesting things….
Happy New Year to All on LoveFraud!!
May the new year bring you love, joy, peace, and wonderful, true and lasting relationships…just take your time and find your own power..and love yourself…then see who is who…