Editor’s note: This letter was sent in by Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Renata.”
I know, as far as abuse stories go, this isn’t a doozy. I’m sure other women and men have gone through far worse. And that is precisely why I want to share my story, because, even though this guy isn’t a major abuser, he’s a manipulative, conniving and voracious predator.
He will believe he is using his charm and “kindness” to befriend women who are vulnerable and heartbroken, giving them something to feel good about, over and over. He will lead them down the rosy garden path, all the while knowing that he has NO intention of reciprocating a safe and loving relationship. He only uses his “victims” for entertainment value, for his own egocentric gratification. It is without a doubt one of the worst abuses of the online dating process out there, and exactly the reason so many people want to avoid this option.
I met this guy through a single parents dating network. At the time I meant to just meet local guys for something casual. I was only just starting the dating process after being single for six years, and had really very little idea of how to go about it.
We started a humorous and lighthearted exchange over the internet for a few weeks ”¦ I knew he lived hours away, so I really didn’t WANT to start anything that might eventually lead to a long distance relationship.
Intensity turned up a notch
Quite out of the blue, he turned the intensity of the communication up a notch or two. Meanwhile, it did cross my mind that his intensity was a little out of place. I had not given him any reason to ask me for pictures ”¦ or anything more than just simple back and forth joking. Suddenly he was making innuendos, asking for “more” from me than I really felt comfortable giving.
Mistakenly I thought it was because he was intensely interested in me. I know I’m not the hottest catch, and I don’t try to be, so his attention was a little odd. Somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice was crying to be heard, “This is really out of place, he has no reason to have these intense feelings for you, slow it down.” But, I still let my neediness for attention lead, and he didn’t fail to deliver, at least for a few weeks ”¦ it was a constant barrage of communication.
Meanwhile, I fell into the trap of sending pictures. At first it was innocent “selfies,” and then, as he begged for more, I started sending more than I felt comfortable with. Within three or four months, I was hooked. I was so completely head over heels with him.
Dating other women
Finally he came to visit me, we had a great time, except for the last day, when he said “I’ll just keep you a little longer, and then I’ll throw you back.”
“If that’s how you feel about me, then why wait?” was my reply.
To make a long story short, I still kept it up with him, falsely telling myself it didn’t matter to me if he dated others, because of course, he put our relationship on the back burner. I hardly ever heard from him, and when I did, it was just a few words. He hadn’t told me he was dating other women, or that he was still looking, I just KNEW, and then he confirmed it when I finally got up the nerve to talk to him and get everything out in the open.
Lies by omission
He claimed to have never misled me, which is true, his lies by omission precluded any delusions of safety.
He claimed that even though he DOES love me, he loves lots of other women too, and he should be able to have sex with whomever he wants whenever he wants, and he will never ever want to be in a committed relationship or marriage. I know that he had a few of those in the past, though, women that he moved in with, and I believe he did that because they were financially well off. But I believe that he still kept up his polyandrous flings while with them, which is why they all ended as disasters.
Ugh, I feel like I just made a fool of myself with this guy. And I need to get him behind me, but first, I need to warn other women about him.
Since learning about Narcisistic lovers and people with sociopathic borderline personality disorders, I’ve found a lot of women and men are recovering from their broken hearts…not by ranting at and hating the person who hurt them, but by realizing that something in themselves needs to be addressed. That in order to keep from falling for, and sacrificing themselves for an unhealthy person, something in themselves has got to change!
This is an excellent step!
Nothing me or you, or any of us can do can really change them, they are afflicted by an illness that only they can do something about.
So many of us get locked into thinking we have something no one else has, we can understand them in a way that no one else can, but thats not true thats just a co-dependant trait that we’ve already been conditioned for at work…and we know how THAT one ends…don’t we?
Regarding this letter from “Renata”, I’m sure this is the same kook that targeted me!
It might not be, but how would we know? They all do the exact same routines with different names in different places, schmoozing their predatory games as their main entertainment in life.
Renata, if you had had more money, he would have stayed longer. This one’s MO is to parasitically drain the target of her “financially well-off” capacity. This is one way these suck holes of society effectively evaporate over $7trillion from the USA economy every year.
They rob women.
Or just use them for sex and good times as he did with you.
He has other women alright. The ones who are still needy and unaware of his social pathology.
He keeps as many in rotation as he can manage. This is his “social life”.
He’s a predator. You are lucky he didn’t waste more of your time or take your money.
As I say, he sounds very, very close to the creepy kook who pulled phoney routines on me. And then he taunted me relentlessly to expose him. He thought he was undiscoverable and he loved his “make a fool of hinahina” game.
He sneered at me, saying I was crazy for the suspicions I had about him.
I was driven to find out his secrets; find out the truth!!
How could I do it?
I won’t say how but I will say it was impossible. Until it wasn’t and I cracked open the horrible truths about all his secret life of perversions and all manner of heinous behavior!
Of course it “ended in disaster” as you’ve described. He, the one who targeted you and me both, is a walking disaster area disguised as bait for the unsuspecting, friendly and trusting.
They do all have very definite behavior patterns. And they do all pour on the love bombing charm at first.
And they hurt many, many people as they cut deeply into the fragile social fabric, leaving gaping holes of pain and injury in our communities.
And we deserve to have safer, better communities and happier, healthier lives which is why we need to know and apply our knowledge daily with everyone we meet–especially men who are “single”.
Some data suggests that 1 in 25 people has these traits. Other sources mention up to 10% of the population are these kook predator types.
Be aware. You might be enjoying life. And they are busy finding out who you are and can they target you.
Now you know. You met a bonafide, flat out kook.
Wow Hina, you have no idea how healing it was to hear you say these things…it takes courage to not only identify and stand up to a kook like this, but it does take some courage to come right out in front of the world and say the truth too.
I wonder how many women out there are suffering right now with a sense of shame about knowing they are doing something they don’t feel is right, but beleiving somehow it makes them special to the NP, not realizing that it is only because they are SUPPLY.
I made up the username I did because there was an ancient Icenae leader (queen) named Bodicea (Bo di Ka) after her tribe was decimated by the invading army she took a strong leadership role and left a lasting hero story that no one forgot even though, ultimately, she didn’t WIN or drive them out of the country, her actions re-affirmed what we all know inside of us…
WE are born with basic human rights: to be free of opression, tyranny, to be treated with respect and kindness, to be able to trust that the people who we trust to love us are going to be trustworthy.
If thats not worth fighting for, I don’t know what is…
Wow Renata you got out easy, and your spath was relatively honest with you at least. What is really hard is when you spend YEARS with an spath UNSUSPECTING, UNKNOWING, TRUSTING, TRYING, BEING TRICKED AND BLAMING YOURSELF! Recovering from that much abuse is hard if not close to impossible. Thank God Renata you had the intelligence and the self esteem to find out the truth for yourself before you had too much time and other things invested in that man. I, myself gave so much of myself to my spath there is nothing left to try to have a relationship with someone else or even try to share. I am so wounded and hurt I can not even try again with anyone. My biggest fear aside from being used manipulated and cast aside again is being alone the rest of my life. I wish you the best of luck Renata and hope that the next person you meet will not be another Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde.
Yes, you should not use the name you have, it must have made you feel terrible just to write it…I’m sorry.
I hope that somehow you find some answers, some peace and healing here in this place.
I’ve got to spread this message, you aren’t stupid because someone else has betrayed your trust, they are the loser because they can’t see their own sickness…you aren’t the loser because you’ve been oppressed and treated with unkindness…please look up and around you, here we all are with our wounds and heartache, we aren’t alone…we have to keep going, our better lives are waiting…the ones where we get to live without a tyrant, an abuser, a hateful sociopath, or slimey narcisist…
Come out of the dark corner, you deserve warmth and love just as much as anyone else…we just have to be more careful not to get burned.
Happy New Year, everyone! It’s 1:30 in the morning here, and I just got back from the bar down the street. There was a live band and it was a blast. All these guys were hitting on me, but one was especially annoying. He kept love bombing me – telling me how special I am, how amazing my smile is, how he could tell right away what a great person I am, etc. etc. over and over and OVER. I don’t think he was a sociopath, just a drunk looking for a girlfriend. I’m happy to announce that there is nothing about love bombing that I particularly enjoy. I found it rather disgusting. He tried to monopolize me on the dance floor then pouted and left when I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Then another guy stepped up and tried to monopolize me. Can’t a girl just dance? I am a dancer and I just love to dance. I don’t need a bunch of guys hanging on me on the dance floor. But I had a great time. I even got on the stage and sang back-up harmonies with the band. Best NYE I’ve had in many years.
FUN!
This made me smile!
You are wonderfully alive,
independant
and beautifully free!
Yesss!
Happy New Year to all you lovely oldtimers on LF!
whos old? im only 34 LOL.
Glad to hear you had a good time star, I stayed in, didn’t want to be driving around, my friend went to a club and wanted me to go but im not big on the clubbing scene.
@soulsisters,
Incalculable and unending loss twists me, also. Makes me angry and resentful. I don’t know how to change this, either. But being able to break it out from the morass of our behaviours and articulate it is a very important start.
My next step is to find more support. I have a mental health worker who will (hopefully follow through to) help me find weekly professional support. The losses I have experienced and continue to experience have left me twisted. I don’t know how to open the door to pain that feels like it will never end (as the situations can only become worse in fact and detail. for example, the dementia that has taken my family members, who I cannot visit for hard reasons that i cannot change, and that no thinking outside the box or problem solving will change.)
I don’t trust anyone post spath. Period. Even those I am closet to – I know that I can be conned. I know that losses will continue (it is life afterall), and that unless some things change internally for me, there will never be experiences that create a sense of ‘gain’ or acceptance; there will only be experiences that i pull around my ego as protection against the next loss. Nothing goes deep but pain,loss, fear and distrust. Good feelings and experiences are by and large only feeding a persona that covers that pain.
It’s a hard, tough stance. I hide well. This makes me more like the spath than I could have imagined possible.
All of this needs to change. But finding the words to express my experience is meaningful. Thank you for saying how resentful you are. it triggered something for me.
I wish you great healing.
one joy
I hear you saying that you are full of pain. I’m sorry for that, as I am sorry to see anyone in pain, emotionally or physically…I wish you success on your way out of your pain, and into healing. I hope you get what you need now.
Hi one joy,
I seem to be one of the only men on here, but I know how you feel, I have so much resentment and anger in me right now it feels like its eating my soul, at times I feel like im going to change into a nasty ruthless person as some form of defense so this doesn’t happen to me again. The depression and sadness kicks in at night when I go to sleep with her not there, and not hearing my kids or my dog in the house, I wake up and im angry and resentful again for her making me feel like this. As well I hate her for the fact that part of me still wants her for whatever reason, but even if she called right now and said come home and I did, I know now in my heart it will never change and I will only further damage myself and possibly my children.
You are not alone, these are natural human feelings we have because we have been abused/backstabbed/lied to/manipulated by someone we loved more than anything and it hurts like hell, almost to the point that we cant even function, I don’t even enjoy doing things I like right now, cause I feel empty, like there is no point. (not suicidal) I would never do that. Only time will help heal these wounds, but there will always be scars, I can only hope all of us on here find true love some day as I believe that will be the ultimate healing, but we need to be past this first otherwise it will unfair to a potential partner.
Dave
I’m glad at least one guy can stop and identify his emotions and feel them.
I have a general mistrust of guys but only in relationships, I have guy friends that I trust and love dearly, who don’t say or do things to hurt me, but, for some reason I’ve always picked the worse possible types for relationships.
I’ve come to learn that its because I learned all that in my family of origin, how to be the fixer, the peacemaker, the scapegoat and the reject.
I spent my adult life filling that role with my partners, I couldn’t seem to pick someone without somehow finding the
exact match for being the person who would replay that role I had in my family. Crazy huh?
Now that I’m single again, I’m really appreciating it,I’m going to use this time to get strong, to retrain myself not to be in that role anymore…I’m going to love myself, and my faults and whatever it is that makes me, me.
bodicasway,
oops sry I clicked report this comment first instead of reply, so donna please ignore that if it went through.
Nah it don’t sound crazy bod,,you sound like my best friend chris, hes always trying to be the standup guy that fixes everyone else around him,,he has a good heart, but I think doing this plays him in the end.
I identify and feel my emotions cause I actually have them, and I just want to be happy in a normal relationship, im old school even though im only 34. Only difference is I don’t believe man is the head of all things, I think husband/wife should be equals.
I have a mistrust of women like you do with men, its natural after going through these things. The things I hear women say about men, I laugh at times and think to myself “good lord do they even know how bad women can be too”??? Women may not really try and physically beat you up (usually anyway) but can be very manipulative and cunning (yes I know us men can be that too) but I have to say, women are no longer the “only” victims anymore, many good men suffer from being with a bad woman, they are lied too, cheated on, made to feel like shit, have half or all their stuff/wealth taken from them, their name tarnished ect ect… we are all in the same boat, man or woman,,,black or white,,,muslim/Christian/jew.
Yes, I’m reading more of these letters here, and I’m reading all sorts of things that make me feel fortunate for MY situation.
What you are saying is true, this is life, what we’re handed, and this is what we have to live with.
to internet or not to internet.
big pool of slimey people on the net – that is correct. but I have the doozey of all internet scam stories (not a dating site), and that’s not the arena I am afraid of because i am pretty sure that i can smell them online. I am afraid of the co-worker, the casual acquaintances met through business, my nation’s top politician, the stakeholders I have to work with (THE one area where my hard gained experience with spaths and narcs has served me well), my landlord, my neighbours, a random person that offers something positive….
I am constantly worried about people’s motivations, and what’s really going on in their heads. Even my ‘friends’.
I met a woman about a year and a half ago. Liked her. We have been out to dinner a couple of times lately. I met her husband and I kid you not the first words out of his mouth were about narcissism, and how it ‘isn’t necessarily a bad thing.’ F***, I hate it when people tell you who they are. I didn’t feel afraid of this guy, but I didn’t ‘play’ his game either. Whatever he is, it is righteously disappointing that she is married to whatever he is.
I can certainly relate to that feeling of borderline paranoia…I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on about narcisists, sociopaths,psychopaths and other personality types of fatal flaw.
It does seem like the world in general is made for them, they are the ones who get ahead by blithely stepping over the gutted remains of the brokenhearted…
I won’ let them take my humanity tho, I’m going to learn how to identify them, and how to deal with them effectively.
But most of all I’m going to get to know myself and find out what it is I WANT and need. So that I’m willing to defend my territory – my space.
Hi Dave,
I have to go off to work, so will need to keep this short. I am a few years away from the spath. The damage is more apparent now. Not just the wounding, but what is left with me. i think scarring is a good metaphor. I have physical scars that pull my body out of normal alignment, it doesn’t function properly because of them. breaking down physical adhesions/scars is a long and painful process.
I don’t know what’s natural – people seem to think we can shake this off. someone once told me they were sorry I had a ‘bad relationship’. I was thunderstruck by this characterization. I have made choices in the past that led me into bad relationships. this was not a ‘bad’ relationship. I know what the healing arc is there, but not post spaths and narcs (lost half my family at the same time as I realized they were narcs).
it’s made me want the power the spath had. the power to be hidden and lie, manipulate, be uncaring – to protect myself. someone told me the other day that a person doesn’t have to have a ‘reason’ (provocation) to be mean. I would. the spath wouldn’t. neither would my n sib. But I am now easily provoked. I think all kinds of heavy shit. People have no idea; but neither do they want to. Ergo, i need professional support.
Sorry, don’t believe in true love from an external source. fairy tale to me. Think this has to be an inside job.
I too need a reason to get up in the morning, I need to serve a greater purpose that myself. I don’t know if that will ever change. wish it would, because it is too outer focused, and i feel that i am not meeting my potential as i wade through this morass (and I judge myself for being lost, angry and afraid.)
I know however, that the important thing is to keep getting up.
I’m glad to see you here, one joy. I saw something recently that made me think of you. Even though it appears from your last post that your spirit is all but broken, I will share it anyway just to put it out there for anyone it may be helpful to.
My original salsa mentor is very famous worldwide. She has a blog for salsa dancers, and I read it periodically. Someone recently asked her if you are ever too old to be a salsa dancer. Her reply (and she is in her 50’s as I am) was that when she first started dancing, she was 50 lbs overweight. And she also was plagued with so many allergies that she couldn’t leave the house (that’s the part that reminded me of you, one joy). She had trouble breathing and had to stay away from nearly everything. After she started dancing, she went down to a size 3, and all her allergies disappeared. I thought this was remarkable and I wanted to just pass this along. Dancing is not for everyone. But the part the allergies disappearing really intrigued me. I wanted to pass it along for what it’s worth because I believe physical conditions CAN often be turned around.
I’m glad you find reasons to get up in the morning and wish for you that your life will be filled with great things.
i know another woman personally, who was 50lbs fat too and she danced it off 2 lol.
if its just a simple calories in, calories out thing, u can do it too. if its hormonal imbalances (insulin, TSH, etc) activity will help (and u’ll FEEL better) but the wgt wont come off till u regulate ur hormones.
me, im a hormonal nitemare. wen i was having my op b4 christmas, the anesthesiologist finally sed, wow ur just a hormonal mess. i was like YES she’s got it and kinda felt safer then to go under with her lol
damn that mother f-er for not finding out where i was and coming to me that day. that helps that he did that. its just another dig in my heart that i want to completely hate him, not just mostly. he owed me that, he did. sigh.
I know it doesn’t take an Einstein to figure out that aerobic exercise helps with weight. But the part that surprised me was that it cleared up her allergies. I just found his interesting, for what it’s worth.
As a health care provider (massage therapist), I’m fascinated by the mind/body connection, and I’ve also been learning a lot about nutrition. For instance, most Americans eat a lot of processed bread, pasta, and table salt. I just found out these things are brominated. Bromine is a toxin that prevents the uptake of iodine in the body. Iodine deficiency is directly linked to cancer. And it’s very prevalent in our society, likely due to our diets (you don’t see much cancer in Japan, where they eat a lot of iodine-rich seaweed). There are other vitamin/mineral deficiencies associated with cancer. Apparently, we all have cancer cells in our body, but a strong immune system can fight them off. Aside from dietary changes, exercise helps with immune function. I am a big believer that no matter what is going on in your life, eating a healthy diet and exercising (especially something fun like dance) can help you stay healthy. So many people go into a physical funk from the stress of living with a sociopath (I know because I grew up with them), and their adrenals become depleted. But just taking care of yourself on a physical level can help the mental and emotional part, and restore hormonal balance. Perhaps a trip or two to an acupuncturist can help restore hormonal balance too.
I’m currently doing a detox diet that includes lots of seaweed. I am noticing much more mental clarity, and repressed emotions coming to the surface (not fun but necessary). This is because even though I’m a size 4, I still have a food addiction, and staying a healthy weight is still a battle for me. I didn’t realize how much I use sugar to medicate my emotions. This is an ongoing learning experience for me.
I know many people here are going through various phases of shock and grief, and the thought of a detox diet or a rigorous exercise program is probably like being asked to walk on the moon. Sometimes it’s all you can do to get up in the morning. But I’m just throwing it out there anyway for what it’s worth. Aside from salsa dancing, I do a lot of Zumba. It has brought so much joy into my life. The endorphins help me battle depression. I don’t know how I would have survived the last few years without dancing and a healthy diet.
For those who have made a solid decision to heal and recover, taking care of yourself physically will greatly support and speed your recovery, even if you have to force yourself to do it. If you wait till you feel better, you may never start. But starting may make you feel better.
one thing i know that happened was late Feb ’13 i started eating WRONG. i gained 40lbs in a few mos (not hard wen ur hormones demand a very stringent way of eating). i was getting ready to leave the narc so my psychic energy was depleted & thats wat eating strictly is mostly. im very happy wen im doing it but if i slip up more than 12 hrs, im on a wild roller coaster ride–its a physiological hell. so i left Mar 1st & came back 6 wks later, still eating wat the hell i felt like. by summer i was obese. i hate myself wen im obese. ik its not rly my fault but i feel a failure wen i am. im not that attractive to begin with so being a sane wgt def helps.
i left again Nov 9th & spent a month trying to get everything out of our house with no money or help…he was going to throw out watever was there after 30 days. and yeah, he wud have. he HATED having my stuff there even tho i was giving him alot of rent money wen i first moved in & was working. im telling u with a NPD/BPD its THEIR world and u may come in if invited, but its all their rules. there is no OUR world, our life, our anything that you build together.
just the last week or so i have been able to not eat some things. see at first, the first week or so, it IS hard to deny urself the crap — or the stuff I personally cant have becuz of my physiology. then its FINE. ur body balances and its no longer a struggle or denial. i have not had the psychic energy to do this just few days of denial and struggle. until recently. i am not there 100% yet, so the wgt can come off becuz im hormonally balanced again, but that i have strength to do or not do anything is inspiring.
I Believe Am Getting Better
at the least, getting the too-fat off me makes me feel soooo much better. i sleep better etc.