Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from the Lovefraud reader who posts as NewLife43.
I not only read Lovefraud to help me with the backlash from my 8-year relationship with my spath. I also read an interesting blog written by and for sociopaths, answering some of their questions, presenting criteria about what makes a sociopath what s/he is. It’s very enlightening, particularly when I am sorely missing my ex-spath and need to remind myself why we are no longer together. Since it’s on the Internet, the spaths are surprisingly honest. Sometimes, the posts can be very chilling, when they are honestly posting about the way they think, causing a shiver to run down my spine that I escaped from such trauma. It helps me to have gratitude and a sense of good fortune I am no longer caught up in that mess. And I stop missing him, which was the whole point of reading the site.
An interesting question that came up on their board was: Do animals have a sense of morality?
This question was derived from one of the spaths reading an article that was printed in the British online publication, The Telegraph. That article was entitled, Animals can tell right from wrong.
One of the spath responses to the article was that of course, evolution played a HUGE part in our human abilities to be empathetic and moral, citing dolphins, great apes and even elephants as being altruistic and helpful to other members of their flock, pack, herd, etc. with no apparent gain to themselves. They can even be helpful to other species. (For instance, dolphins protecting humans from sharks). But of course, sociopaths missed the boat when it came to empathy.
Another of the respondents said that cats were probably psychopathic. I beg to differ and told them so. Here is my response to the sociopath article:
Over the years, I’ve had several cats. Currently, I have a two-year-old little guy, who I can honestly say is sociopathic, intent only on himself and what I can do for him. He derives great pleasure from me, but shows no emotion or feelings back to me unless it can benefit him in some way. Then he can charm the pants off me. He is a great troublemaker to boot and plagues everyone in the household (animals included) with his actions! Lots of fights are started by this little cat, while he walks away smirking. Very smart, easily bored, destroys household items for the fun of it and targets others. He doesn’t have an altruistic bone in his body. HMMM…sounds sociopathic to me! He gets thrown outside A LOT but never seems to learn from the consequences of his bad behavior. Sigh!
I have another cat, whom I’ve had for 18 years; she wants to know the rules and not only follows them to a “T” but expects all the other cats in the household to follow them also…or she will beat the “carp” out of them. Routines are to be observed at all costs. She has to be let in and out at certain times, food and water have to be fresh and put down on a certain schedule, etc. Although she is very reserved, she can also be very loving on rare occasions (funnily enough, to me only, I suppose as the main caregiver), but it is genuine, as she never wastes time with false emotions. She is honest through and through. Definitely OCD, though, don’t you think? Think “Monk” here.
Finally, I have a very sweet, loving black cat who is 13 years old. His sole purpose in life is to find a way to spend all his time with me. If I sit down, he is in my lap; going to bed, he not only wants to sleep with me but also has to be as close as he can, preferably touching my skin in some way. He always stops and thanks me for his food, before he dives in to eat. Follows me everywhere. And he is incredibly empathetic, always knowing when I am sad and offering comfort to the best of his ability. My friends marvel at this loyal little cat, who pesters them to go home at the end of the evening, so that we can go to bed together! Apparently, he can’t go to bed without me. One friend said he was worse than her husband! No other creature in the world has ever loved me like this, including my kids and two ex-husbands. And I don’t treat him any differently than my other cats, so I don’t know why I deserve so much love. Empath, borderline…I don’t know. I just know he loves me very much and shows it. And he was born that way.
So, no, not all cats are sociopaths. But from my experience, I would have to say, all have different personality disorders/traits, just like humans. Certainly completely different from each other. Since I treat them all the same, I have to conclude that they are the product of their genetics, i.e., they came to me that way, I didn’t make them the way they are. Just like the world is not environmentally responsible for creating sociopaths; you were all born that way, and there is nothing we “NORMALS” can do about it, except to stay as far away from you as possible, for our own sakes. Surely, you spaths can understand self-protection and putting ourselves ahead of you. For once. And if you lack the ability to understand that, well, as my ex-spath was so fond of saying to me, “I DON’T CARE!” 🙂
NewLife43, AWESOME POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have had cats as pets throughout my entire life. Even in retrospect, I don’t see any behaviors that would align their movements through life as sociopathic.
Because animals run mainly on instincts and survival, there are basic “needs” to be met that override emotional “wants.” The need for food, to reproduce, and to develop a “community” or herd. Dominance is determined by which individual(s) present the strongest skills at securing food, reproducing, and establishing cohesive group units. Ill-mannered members of the groups are either shunned or abandoned.
Cats are not, by any stretch of the imagination, similar to spaths. Every cat that I’ve ever had displayed affection, acceptance of affection, and the ability to comfort during illness or emotional trauma. Though they may appear aloof, it is the nature of cats. And, I have met the occasional monsterous feline, but they’ve been few and far between – and, they are typically monsterous because of the interactions with their owners.
What a wonderful article, NewLife43! THANK you so much for posting this, Donna!
Brightest blessings
Cats generally take good care of their offspring. So that’s not a psychopathic trait. It may be by INSTINCT but at least most cats h ave the insttinct to do so, Psychopaths dont’ even have that instinct.
Cats generally BOND to their family or “pride” and work for the greater good of that group. They share kills. Psychopaths are not big on sharing anything, and they sure do not work for the greater good of the family or group. So cats are well above psychopaths in that aspect.
Cats are predators….they kill to live. And sometimes they will “toy” with a victim in a way that seems to be “play” that they enjoy. Again I think while this may appear to be psychopathic because they sure don’t have empathy for their victim’s pain, it is more instinct than anything else.
A cat will PROTECT her offspring, which I have seen a cat attack a dog who was getting to near her half grown kittens to suit her. This could have been a self sacrificing move on the cat’s part if the dog had attacked her. Again, instinct I think, but still a step above the Ps as they don’t have this instinct.
Cats are not the same as dogs and I wouldn’t expect my cat to attack a person who was trying to harm me, as I would my dog that is specifically trained to protect, by using that dog’s play and protection instincts to train her.
But no, I don’t think cats are psychopaths. Just predators who have some bonding capabilities. That’s more than the human predators among us, the psychopaths.
Thank you, Truthspeak!
I sent this in a while ago, and would like to add a bit to it.
My other two cats hate the “sociopathic” one. They avoid him like the plague, but in different ways. The oldest one, when she is approached by the little guy, slowly turns her head and calmly stares him down. I don’t know what she is telepathically saying to him, but he freezes, then carefully backs away from her and runs as fast as he can in the other direction. She never moves a muscle. She is not a good source of “supply” to him, but that doesn’t seem to stop him when he is bored and looking for trouble. She reacts consistently the same way, each and every time. The point is, so does he. And so she controls the situation, not him.
But my loving black cat…totally different story. From day one, even though he is twice the size and much stronger than the youngest cat, he turns tail and runs away, EVERY SINGLE TIME! Then the little guy chases him and they tear through the house, knocking things down until I put a stop to it. The black one is all upset, breathing heavily, growling (something I never once heard from him until this little guy showed up) his fur standing on end, while the youngest one is just thrilled with the fun of the chase and quite satisfied at the outcome. This happens a lot. Just once if Blackie would stand up to him, it would put a stop to it, but he never does. I guess his personality is such, that because he would NEVER do that to anyone else in the house, he can’t understand why he is being targeted and stalked like prey! He is, in every sense of the word, a BIG PUSSY!
And then, of course, there’s me and my reactions to my little sociopath. He showed up at my house one day, a tiny kitten, demanding to be fed and petted. I tried to find him a home, since I didn’t want any more pets and I failed. So he was mine. I took him to the vet, got his shots, had him neutered at the appropriate time, hoping it would calm him down (no luck there!) and again, I treated him like I do all my other pets. I was responsible and ethical in my treatment of him. And because I was stuck with him, I loved him and delighted in his cuddliness and babyness. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, that’s for sure!
So now he is part of our household, tormenting everyone, making me the lunchroom monitor in his every interaction with others in the house. Yet, I still love him because he can be so charming and funny. Why does this sound so familiar to me? Because, guess what, I am who I am, too. I was born this way and probably will die this way. I am stuck with myself, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing, since writing this article reminds me that I really am a good person. Even though I fell for a sociopath, I can heal and protect myself from having it happen again. I CAN learn from what happened and avoid it. And I can stand up to bullies, (like my oldest cat does) calmly staring them down and not being a good source of supply to them. I am in charge of my life again.
I am also bigger and stronger than this little guy, I am the head of the house, and I will put him in his place every time he gets out of line, by removing him from the situation. Just like I did with the ex-spath. Only with him it was permanently. So now Spathy can go find his own food, bed, shots and maybe one day, someone else will neuter him. I can only hope!!
Good points, OxDrover!!
Great post Newlife. That’s funny that you have a spathy cat. I’ve had all types, and some were naughty but none were quite like the one you describe. What type of breed is he? what does he look like?
Oxy,
You will love this video of a cat attacking a mother because the cat thinks he needs to protect the mother’s baby from the mother. There is another cat that tries to protect the mother from the cat but he fails.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebJq3ILGB3Q
And really, the point to my “little parable” is that it’s not OUR fault that the spaths are the way they are. That’s what kept me in that relationship for so long, trying so hard, hoping for change…and I think others may be struggling with the same beliefs. It’s so important to help them realize there is nothing they can do to change such a fundamental personality disorder and just GET OUT! And never, ever go back! They won’t change. Since so many people have animals and recognize all the different personalities of their pets, maybe it will help someone “get it”.
Training a pet is one thing, changing their fundamental personalities is futile. That is where the greatest harm is done to us, in that period of waiting for things to get better. They never will.
new life said “So now Spathy can go find his own food, bed, shots and maybe one day, someone else will neuter him. I can only hope!! ”
ROTFLMAO CHOKE SNORT SNARF laugh til I puke!
That’s a great post, it almost brought tears to my eyes since I have been living with cats for most of my life.
I totally agree with Truthspeak and Ox Drover.
I own a cat now too and I wouldn’t say that cats are like spaths at all. My cat is nothing like a spath. My cat makes me happy, the spath made me sad. My cat is always there when I’m sad or sick, she somehow feels it and she gets close to me and touches me where I hurt. The spath was never there for me when I needed him and he is supposed to be a human.
I have never seen evil in the eyes of my cat even when she is annoyed or disappointed but I have seen pure evil in the eyes of the spath many times.
I don’t know it but I guess that most of spaths would probably prefer a dog over a cat. My spath used to like dogs. He never showed it but I somehow felt that he disliked cats. I think that’s because a cat wouldn’t obey him like a dog does. A dog would always love and admire his master no matter how bad he treats it, something that a cat won’t do.
I don’t know why but my spath often described himself as a wolf. That’s maybe because wolves are misunderstood from people and he feels that he is a misfit… Who knows!
Snowwhite, I think that spaths want to be “tough” and they view wolves as “tough”—actually, wolves have a very loving family system for the most part, but packs will hunt and kill out OTHER PACKS (which does seem to make them a bit like humans) and at times if a pup is uncontrollable and won’t follow the rules, the alpha male will kill it. The wolf pack rules are for the benefit of the survival of the pack, which by working together can survive. Not working together they can’t survive.
Wolves instinctively bond to their pack between the ages of 12 and 16 weeks, and even as an adult that may have moved on to another pack, they recognize one another. Just like some humans are “misfits” so there are wolf misfits as well…and sometimes a pack will pick out a zeta wolf which every member of the pack abuses until it dies or leaves. Even Zeta wolves who are abused are loath to leave the pack though…it is like they are trauma bonded to the pack, plus, it is difficult for a wolf to survive without a pack. Lots of interseting research on the lives and habits of wolves out there.
Skylar: In answer to your question, he’s a short-haired white and grey cat. He showed up in my garage one day while I was working on a project, literally screaming his little head off…wanting food and attention. I thought he was so cute and immediately did everything he wanted…look where that got me!
PS He brought a mouse into the house last night…a live one. And let it go. Under the hutch in the living room. Wasn’t that great!! Thanks a bunch!! Chaos was reigning, but my oldest cat herded it out from under there, I opened the back door and she guided it all the way until it was out of the house. Then she went back to bed. I love her so much! She is my hero!