By | December 16, 2011 114 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Are you seeing someone else?

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”

A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?

As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!

Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.

The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.

I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!

A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!

She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!

She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!

I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!

She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.

Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!

Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!

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Ox Drover

Great post!!! So focused on what we need to be doing! Loving and caring for ourselves! Thanks for sharing this great and so well written post! Welcome!!!!!

Absolutely brilliant. My spath insists that I must have someone else because he can’t understand why I keep sending him away after ten years of lies and broken promises. Early days yet and I have a lot of bad days, but on my good days I see glimpses of the person that I used to be before he came along and caused chaos in my life. Will carry on trying to find ‘her’ again.

Ox Drover

dear NOT-confused, personally I think you are SEEING THE LIGHT and are NOT confused…you are seeing the TRUTH and what he ACTUALLY is.

Keep on taking care of the new person in your life…you will find she is stronger and better than you ever thought! It only gets BETTER.

Welcome to LoveFraud! God bless.

apples of the eye

This was so helpful – after 9 months I still have not been able to go No Contact with my ex-spath! He still owes me $500 and he’s dating another very wealthy, just divorced women. He still calls me several times a week, as he says I am his dear friend, and he does not want to give that up. And I stay friends, maybe in the hope he’ll love me again and give me my $ back. If he can’t reach me he always accuses me of being with another man and threatens to end our friendship if I am, but he never asks to see me and never does anything for me. It’s like he wants total control and to keep me as a back-up. I think it’s time I just let the $500 go and find ME again. But somehow I am afraid he’ll stalk me if I don’t respond. How do we overcome the fear of no-contact?


I think I might have a little insight for you. In a nutshell my dear, it’s a control thing.

My husband did this behavior that was like stringing me along. I wanted to fix our relationship (before I realized what he was.) and he used that to say things to give me hope, that I was the only one he ever felt connected to, that I mattered to him and no one else did, that he loved me and wanted to reconsile. All this was a lie.

What he did was what I call “Dog in the Manger” and he was a REAL DOG towards me. He didn’t want me, he just didn’t want anyone else to have me. And your intuition is right, you are now his backburner girl and will always be dropped when another opportunity gal arises.

No contact did not make me fearful. It empowered me.

On the subject of this article:
After I left my husband, I needed to have professional portrait taken. The results were awful. I could NOT get that haunted look out of my eyes. The most I tried to look upbeat, the more manic the picture came out. I ended up having a artist take old photos and doing a caricature.

It’s been three years since that awful failed photography session. I needed the pro shots again, it’s been too many years. I got them last week. WHAT a DIFFERENCE. I look relaxed, rested, my eyes lost that sharp defensive look. I NEVER expected to look BETTER as an OLDER woman yet I look SO improved that it gave me a shot of confidence in how others must see me as well. No more hiding!

I love this article, that reconnecting to the person I knew I was is like reconnecting to an old friend. I have been rediscovering things that I had totally forgotten, things I enjoyed. People that I forgot b/c I was so ashamed and didn’t want others to see me. And I have a social buddy! SOmeone to call up and invite to events. That hasn’t happened in YEARS, since my early marriage.

WHo knew when I left my husband and only saw death as my escape, who knew I had LIFE left in me! I didn’t! I couldn’t imagine ever having goals or plans or expectations EVER again. Yet, those gifts and more have returned. I am still struggling with superficial relationships, I want a solid reciprocal connection where I don’t have to hide what was done to me. But based on all I have recovered, I think that will come…

Don’t give up. Don’t think it won’t happen for you. It’s amazing how good life returns to when you get rid of the toxic, the spaths, the narcissists.

Ox Drover


We over come that fear by DOING IT!!!! The next time he calls tell him, this is the last time I will ever talk to you. Goodbye.

First realize that he is NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU BACK THE MONEY, and yes, he just wants you on the back burner, he does not want you. He will never love you because he is incapable of LOVE….totally and completely incapable of anything but FAKE WORDS to fake love/sex. There is no connecting with this man.

Then change your number, block his e mails, texts, and if he comes to the door, don’t open it.

He will try to get you back on the hook, but don’t fall for it, it is simply a game to him. Hang tight! God bless!

the phoenix

Amposter- If the money is an issue- look at it this way.

See it as a bill for an exterminator. They charged you $500 to come spray for bugs and get that big cockroach OUT of your life. Was it worth it? EVERY PENNY!


Oh yes do I identify!!! Uh huh!!!

My ex will be obsessed, bewildered, confused, bereft by the belief that the only reason I am NC with him is because im seeing someone else.

How does that make me feel?

Good. Better than good! I have just been out on my Xmas party with work colleagues. First time in four years without the spath man plaguing me! It’s worth 500quid of my money to know that he feels like shiat let me tell you.

Am poster,
Forget the money. Go NC and start to live.stop letting this vile creature occupy your head space! To paraphrase Ox.
Ps. My spath owes me thousands. Am paying it off every month. It’s like having 2 mortgages. Well it is another mortgage! Lol. I don’t care. It’s worth it to have him gone from my life.
Life is for living.
Not for giving….it feels good. Tra la la


LOL your just crackin’ me up! TAWONDA! to you.


Ana, thanks for the towanda! Glad to be of service.


strongawoman – HA!
‘Life is for living.
Not for giving’


One joy, cheers …. I had drunk a few at the work Xmas do when I made that comment. Lol


I can totally relate to your fear of going NC. YES HE WILL LIKELY STALK YOU. Then, you will have to do what a lot of people in here did and head down to the courthouse to file a restraining order, change all your contact info, and keep the police on your speed dial. It’s possible it will go that far. But by the very fact that you are AFRAID to go NC tells you how SERIOUS this is. Your intuition is screaming at you to get away from this guy. The fact that he will likely stalk you is not a reason to keep talking to him and you know it. The guy is a SOCIOPATH. Seriously? You will never, ever see that money again. Cut your losses and run like hell. If you don’t, every single second that he is still in your life is a second that he will slowly cook you alive until there is nothing left of you. If you don’t cut him off now, in the future, you’ll be looking back wishing you had done it when all you stood to lose was $500. One thing to remember about dealing with a sociopath is that it can ALWAYS GET WORSE. They have no boundaries and will not stop destroying. The only way to heal is to first get away from the abuser! That is step number one, and there is no negotiating this one. You will have to be strong. The sober reality burns like hell, but there is only one way out of this. When I first came into LF, I wasn’t NC with my ex yet either, in part because I too was terrified that he’d hunt me down and kill me. Luckily for me, the classic sociopath tendency to be extremely lazy protected me from this (although I actually moved to another country before going NC so it would have been really hard for him to get to me). He bombarded me with emails. I hooked up with a cyber detective. He threatened to come to Germany. I contact the local embassy and police here to report him. Yes, they will try. You block. Block. Block. Hope for his laziness to kick in early on and then you’ll be in the clear.

To the writer of this post, it was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. Almost made me cry….got teared up 🙁 That was so lovely!!! Thanks for writing it. I’ve been seeing someone too lately. I recognize her too. It’s been a long time. Today I realized how far I’d wandered down that strange road into a place where everything was foreign and unfamiliar. Slowly, I’m wandering back home to my center. At the very least, I’m able to start re-defining what I value, who I am, and where I want to go from here with that person inside me that cowered in a corner for years, waiting for me to stand up for her and stop dragging her, kicking and screaming, through hell with one hand in the devil’s clench.

apples of the eye

Thank you all! I know I will find the strength to give up this bad habit of talking to my ex – thank god I have this site, my wonderful family, friends and health. Your right $500 is nothing compared to what I could have lost. I worry about his new GF – a newly divorced mother of 4 young boys under 15, one with autism – she is the perfect victim – and has a couple Million from her divorce settlement. I want to warn her, but no, it is no longer my problem. My ex is now driving around in the car she purchased for him last valentines day (he dumped me the next day) – and he sports many other gifts he has received from her in the past few months….all the while coming on to me whenever he sees me or talks to me on the phone. Ugghh – writing this out makes me sick!


Ugghh is right am poster ….I am sending you strength, determination and big ba lambs to RESIST. Don’t let him keep you on his shelf….ready to dust you off whenever he FEELS the need.
It should help you to know it’s a typical trait of these slimy toads…..they love to stay” friends” Keep you there as back up.
Plan B!!! Ye whatever.
Why would you want to be friends wi this piece of carp.

Ps I know because my ex wanted to do exactly what yours is doing. NC
……9weeks now and counting. It’s not easy. It’s an addiction….you have
to go cold turkey my friend.
Gobble gobble yum yum in my tum…..cold turkey

apples of the eye

I love that …thanks strongawoman! Cold turkey NC – and I owe him no explanation! I have always been proud of my capability of NOT being addicted to anything…until HE came into my life..and I never understood why I fell so hard into this addiction (him) until I read on this site about how spaths get you hooked. I have to keep remembering that I deserve SO much better than a CON man who has nothing to show for himself, at 53 yrs old, other than the goods he has obtained from other women. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, INTELLECTUAL AND STRONG and we must not forget this!!!! It’s such a struggle to rid them from our daily thoughts and get them out of our heads – I want myself back!

Ox Drover

You GO Amposter!!!! NO CONTACT all the way! Hey, $500 is CHEAP tuition to the University of Hard knocks (U of HK) and the lesson is PRICELESS!

I was gonna say that’s the price to make him go AWAY and well worth it. So…how much does it cost to get rid of a pathological destroyer with a human-ish face? The going price for this particular one is $500. You paid your money, now you get your product: Peace. Health. Prosperity. Happiness. You paid for it, so don’t let that punk try to squander your investment now! And you said: “and I owe him no explanation!” DAMN STRAIGHT! Just be aware that he won’t see it this way. He’s totally, completely, absolutely sick, so of course he won’t see things clearly. But you are right. You owe him NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. Do not feel guilty for cutting off a good-for-nothing, lying, abusive, cheating, manipulating, stealing human being impersonator. Save your “give a shit” for someone who gives a shit back. You’re worth so much more!

Or as Ox said, you paid tuition at the school of Hard Knocks aka Wisdom. You’ve got a BA in Eyes Wide Open and Knowing Your Worth now. Welcome to the alumni gathering 🙂

TOWANDA Amposter!


Hi Everyone: Hope you are all well and doing alright. I hope that you will set aside the sadness and torment and come to appreciate this Holiday Season. My best of wishes and love are with you all.

It has been just a little over 7 months since I went completely NC. THREE DAYS ago, “IT” contacted me, completely unsolicited and un-welcome, after having been told on numerous occasions, to leave me alone. This has been going on for just about 10 years now, off and on. OUT OF THE BLUE SURPRISE CRAP!

It has a collection of personal protection orders which I am sorry to say, if this behavior does not stop, I shall be adding to that collection. I MEANT every single word I told “IT” when I made it get away from me and I am not changing my mind. Not ever. I told “IT” to pay attention: “I will NEVER see you again and NEVER speak another word to you again, as long as I live. Go away from me now and don’t come back. Don’t contact me ever. You have betrayed our friendship and I am finished with your games. GOOD BYE.” And I turned around and walked away. EVERYONE in “IT’s” life has done the exact same thing. Because he is unacceptably mean and cruel. A little like the a-typical psychopath stories.

I am not afraid of him, in a physical sense because I am so much stronger than he is….mentally and physically, thanks to my IMMENSE ‘back up’! No, I did not respond to that text and I completely intend to never again. If the stalking continues, I WILL be adding to that collection of PO’s he seems to collect as he goes along….he actually did me a favor: I now have a new entry in my stalking log AND a fresh resolution. 🙂

It was YOU: OX that had remarked about that justification. It is difficult coming to an absolute decision on this the way I have. His contacting me out of the blue, with nothing contrite, whatsoever, except for a ‘pet name’ we used to use on one another…no. I am not ‘painting the picture’ for him anymore because I feel pity for him and his life. That is not a good enough reason to throw myself into the fire.

I have come to accept the truths and face them with grace and dignity. There was and is no excuse for the way I have been treated by this “THING”. None whatsoever other than “IT” could. That is unacceptable to me. Being blamed and then punished for our own kindnesses. That is what they live for. To see us hurt. I refuse to be a target any longer.

After everything I have been through; up to and inclusive of almost dying and having someone intentionally try taking my life from me, there is nothing left to say. And, yes, we could have been making love, at any time, and he would have gutted me and left me laying there in my own blood to drown, while patting my hair, kissing my lips and telling me how pretty I was…he even told me so. There is NO WAY I can EVER trust this “entity” about me ever again. He makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like a ‘pussy cat’.

I refuse to fall victim any further.
I owe this LEECH nothing yet he owes me so much.
He is fortunate he has some ‘free time’ to do something with his disgusting putrid life and should be taking advantage of that instead of stalking other people and trying to inflict pain and suffering where ever he may. We all have choices in this life and that is THEIR CHOICE to be the way they are, without even as so much as an EFFORT to be anything different. There is a red flag: refusing to accept any responsibility in any way for the way they are and denying they can change and laughing in your face about it.

They are selfish, cold, narcissistic people who would and have done and will do anything to achieve their optimum, whatever that might be. Anyone who gets upon their path is doomed for destruction through the entirely incomprehensible things they do…as it plays upon our minds and tears us into shreds and demotes us to nothing more than a glob of flesh unable to make sense out of what just hit us.

I have a psychopath stalker.
One whom I believe will try to hurt me, if given the chance, however, “IT” will never have that chance, never again, as long as I live, no matter how ‘love bombing’ and ‘charming’ it might try being now, almost 8 months down the road – I have absolutely held true to NC. “IT” seems to be having a difficult time with that – that and any respect at all for my eventual, at any moment, fatal medical condition. There is NO WAY I am investing ANY energy into this chaos. I am trying to live and to survive. The only reason for the ‘intrusion’ THIS TIME is to use me for something or to try inflicting hurt on me. IT IS NOT HAPPENING. I MEAN THE THINGS I SAID. I WILL ALWAYS MEAN THEM. IF IT IS HAVING A MOMENTARY JOLT OF CONSCIOUS WHICH IS ONLY BASED UPON PURE SELFISHNESS< I AM SURE: GOOD. IT EARNED IT. FOR ONCE "IT" CAN LIVE WITH THE RESULT OF ITS CHOICES AND KNOW HOW THE REST OF US GROWN UPS HAVE TO HANDLE LIFE.

Yes, KNOW YOUR WORTH. Pay attention to it..
You KNOW you deserve better. I spent just about four years solidly locked into a state that DYING would have been easier and after 8 months of NOT communicating and participating in it all anymore, I am finally starting to be able to 'breathe' again for a change….then "IT" tries throwing a rock under my boat…

It's alright. It is sort of a justification knowing that I am in his thoughts…so sweet: also used a term of endearment that used to live between us…oh how very sweet….under normal circumstances, I would have fallen for that – not any more….

When you finally realize this person you 'love' or have been conditioned into 'loving' (how can you truly love something so vile and ugly?) – when you finally realize the truth about what it is you are experiencing and witnessing for yourself, you will come to the same decision I have.

#1: Always better to error on the side of safety than not when dealing with a spath or ppath. If there has ever been ANY HINT of violent behavior that you know of, RUN:::FAR AND FAST:::If you are under threat, escape when it is safe for you. Your local law enforcement will be able to anonymously help you. Above all: keep yourself safe.

#2: KEEP STRONG. Surviving this trauma, inside our heads, as well as with our actual physical bodies, completely depends on our constant strength and ability to reform ourselves and reshape our thoughts. Everything we have ever thought of as being 'normal' has been completely blown apart…SEEK NEW PERSPECTIVE about your own situation. Step back from your emotions and look at it different, from almost a 'clinical' point of view and then act upon those truths you are finding.


“I” have control this time. “I” do. I am not relinquishing it ever again. I am stronger than this and have already proven it…

I wish you all a very Happy Holiday Season.
Love, Light and Peace to you All…
Stay safe and may the Great Creator Bless You.


Ox Drover

Hey, Dupey do! Glad that your resolve is strong! Been missing you! (((hugs))) good points 1-2-3!


Thanks Ox…xxoo

I mean there DOES come a time; right?
But “IT” acts just like a 12 year old boy throwing a tantrum and the tantrums always land him in trouble, sooner or later. You would THINK he would LEARN to stop it.

Yes, my resolve is so strong now. Very strong.
The more “IT” stalks me, the stronger I become.
And the more resolved…

I wouldn’t be able to see all this if I were still ‘thrown in the mix’; trust me…only by stepping back and learning to reprocess it am I able to find these resolutions for myself.

I think getting over the initial state of complete shock is the hardest stage of all this…he likes keeping me on my toes…well, who is really on WHOSE toes?

Miss you guys too.
I have been in hibernation like the Monks do..
Now I can somehow completely understand them. hehehe

🙂 Put a smile on those faces and realize that we are still alive!!!

sharing the journey


It is so good to see that you have acheived this understanding.

Mine also stalks me via an art page on the web–and every now and again I look in to see what frame of mind he is in.

It has been four years since I threw him out and have divorced in the process.

Right now his mind is not too healthy. There are images of bombs. grenades and sex and a lust for my soul,

Quite violent.

I too hope to get to a place where you are at whereas it is out of my head and I can look at it in a detatched way. I beleive that this would cure my anxiety.

Thanks for sharing this and peace and love to you too.


ARGH! I did something quite stupid. I realized that an old email account was still linked to another email that I still have and toggled over to it. Then I noticed that there was indeed a recent email from my ex. Tis the freaking holiday season, right? They really DID have that convention. But then I did the STUPIDEST thing since my glorious moment of utter NC…I opened it. Scanned it. Sorta read bits and pieces. Now I feel like someone took me outside to the balcony, flipped me upside down, and shook me until everything fell out of my pockets.

I was hoping that I could get a second set of eyes on some of this….because suddenly my head is spinning and I’m doubting myself. Sky and Ox are expert spath-translators, but if anyone would be able to offer some perspective, it would help a lot. For some reason, I can see everyone else’s spath so well, but when it comes to my ex, I get confuzzled all over again!!!!!

This thing is EPIC in length.

Spath letter starts now:

With all the real and good in my heart, I wish the Universe gives you what you rightfully deserve.

You’ve hurt beyond my wildest imagination. What Joe did to you, you did it to me billion fold. (Joe is his co-spath friend)

Painted black. Accused. Condemned. Hated. Abandoned. Left to die. Ridiculed. Crucified.

No empathy, no reality, no compassion, no forgiveness, no substance, only evil and hate.

You are the one who thinks the government is after her and that I would kill you with a crossbow the first day we met. Paranoia is your middle name. I thought those little quirks were cute…didn’t know you were serious.

Sociopath. Cat kidnapper. Patriarchical local. Abusive **#$%@!.

The man tried to die for you because of the guilt trips you’d put on him, and you send him a blog post when he’s trying to recover. (I didn’t send him anything. No idea what he’s talking about) Why? Do you have any idea how hard it is to recover from this? Your first love, whom you trusted with everything, who forgave you for your mistakes caused by your inexperience and immaturity, and you’re ready to become the best man in the world for her finally aware of your love and your power within, leaves you like that? She twists the whole past, puts the whole blame on you, accuses you of kidnapping and hurting their baby.

Can you even empathize with a molecular portion of that pain?

There’s a video shot days before you left in which you beg me to marry you and come to Germany. It’s that video I sent you. I say I want you be strong, free and independent. I say marrying you would be wrong as we’re doing to get me there and that’s not cool. You kiss me, you tell me pacta sund servanda, you tell me never to forget the blood oath, you tell me you’re mine for life. You tell me you don’t want to leave. I say you must, as this s***hole is enough for both of us.

Computers don’t lie.

You say you escaped…borderline personality disorder.

“Amp” is usually a nickname given to borderline waif patients I have in my clinic – Shari Schreiber.

Broken Promises. Millions of them. I am not the one who betrayed them. You are. As you’ve always done.

You were my everything for 2 years. I was there all the time when you needed me. Never stopped. I was your slave in a sense, though I thought I was a savior.

When you walked in, I wanted to be your superhero. The way you presented yourself. The wounded angel, looking for peace and love. Left alone, suicidal, messed up. I stepped up to heal you. Being with you was never in my equation, but you did make me believe. I wanted to be your superhero, and I was for awhile. I had always been non-judgemental . True, I was a liar, but it was to protect my good nature, and you knew that about me. I was afraid people would tear me apart if I came clean (and they did, you did). You had told me to keep things secret, as no one would get it. Well, you were right. Even you stopped getting it.

You never loved me. Never. Even when I was your superhero, I was your meal. Object. Something to use. Even when I was the sweetest guy in the planet, it meant nothing to you. Nothing.

You enslaved me all that time, I had to be with you all the time because you would feel alone, hurt, whatever. You even didn’t want me to go to the gym, quit my job, and wait for you at random locations after work.

Why the emails? To show you that he’d never leave you for any wealth or woman. Your jealousy crisises had suffocated him . He wanted to make you see that you were the first, only and last for him. Why the conversations about promiscouity? To show you that you were more than just a flesh, you are a human, a woman, and he loves you as you are. To show you that you were the one diminishing your value by advocating these things, you were more. Why not marrying you that whole time even though you wanted it everyday? To show you that he’d never use you as means to an American passport or easy access to any country. To show you that he respects you.

Everything went backwards, things you already knew about me took a 180, and you presented me as someone I never was. A monster. Evil. You didn’t want me to talk to your friends, family, because you knew they would see it objectively in the right mind. You can never fail, never make a mistake, you have to be PERFECT. No gray areas. Always black&white thinking. Someone is bad or good. No middle ground.

“This is how you remind me of what I really am” – you made me listen to that song tons of times. It makes sense now, vampire.

For 2 months and counting, I can’t stop crying at random places. The pain is unbearable sometimes. How, why…. It’s not about losing you. It’s about the way you left me. It’s about how stupid and naive I was with you. It’s about the void you drilled in me. The way you did these things, how wrong and mean you had become suddenly. How much I had put in the line for you. A man unleashed all of his darkest, deepest secrets in front of the whole world (your blog) to show you that he knows, he sees, he is naked, ready to go back to the man he always was and take your pain away. You could kindly say “no”. Kindly, gently, humanistically. You thrusted a sword into my never-touched heart, decapitated me, then shot bullets at my dead body. Then you left…without any emotion, or feeling. The situation itself shows who the true sociopath is.

Why did you decline the 10.000 dollars I offered you unconditionally? I told you I had money now. Why did you deny it? I didn’t have to know where you were, what you were doing. I just wanted to know that you were taken care of. You even denied that.

And I spent your money? Antalya was your idea. The Mac membership was your idea. I sold my Rolex watch, and paid 7K credit card debt, I bought you a laptop. Yes, though, you did take care of me financially, after you made me quit my job.

You know what? I always pay my debts. One day, you’ll receive a letter, money in your bank account. Smile. This is not about you. It’s about who I am. You use that money to get an anthropology degree, whatever.

Joe tells me to post your pics, videos on a website, send it to your work, family, friends_basicly destroy your existence. Who does that? Why would I do that? I guess you would. Tila Tequila style, you would murder me if I had done third of the things you did to me. But I loved you so much. I loved an illusion. You destroyed me. You scarred me emotionally and spiritually. I can only choose to grow stronger than ever from this. Why would I take revenge on you? I choose the higher path. Revenge, suffering, anger, these only lead to what you have become, and I will never hurt someone like you’ve hurt lots of men, and finally me the worst. What comes around, goes around. The man who truly loved you, despite his clumsy attempts to show you, is painted black, probably cheated on, hated, forgotten in mere days. His first love who promised to always be careful and never destroy his heart does it the worst way possible. Then she has to run by painting him black because she can’t handle the or face what she’s done.

But you know what – I forgive you. I forgive you, Jane. You live the life you choose. So, here’s what I leave the remnants of your memory with…

With all the real and good in my soul, I wish the Universe gives you what you rightfully deserve.


PS Some of this is true, but he’s changed numbers and details regarding the financial parts. He never offered me 10K. I have no idea where that came from.


you must’ve been dating my spath’s evil twin…

It’s obvious from his BULLSHIT that he’s been reading this site. He reads your posts as well as the others.

So here’s a message to him:

Panther, I’m sorry for what he is trying to put you through, but I KNOW he isn’t going to phase you. YOU CAN SMELL THE STENCH OF HIS LIES THROUGH THE EMAIL.

I would do a complete translation for you but because I know he’s reading this, I won’t give him the satisfaction. 😛

He would love to know that I wasted my time analyzing his words. No analysis is necessary spath, it’s all been said, you are as unoriginal as they come.

Here’s to you, SPATH:


This is a great post and one that resonants with me.


LOL, great video Skylar.

Full of evil.

Sky, you’re a raft in the sea right now! Thanks for your take on this. Yes, I see through it, but oddly I get confused because of the way he throws in facts with the mess. Classic gas-lighting, etc etc and he knows where my buttons USED TO BE back when my self-esteem was torn up enough that he could use my “weaknesses” against me. Now that I’ve done some healing, I don’t have all those loose ends waiting to be toyed with. It just doesn’t work like it used to. Magic is gone.

When I initially saw this, I thought of the Campfire of Love too!!! I think this is one long tell and projection. He’s clearly been reading up, yep. I don’t even care if he sees any posts on here. I’m not going to walk on eggshells. Did that long enough.

Today was a GREAT day and I’m doing so much better since I went NC. This little flub threw me off for a whole 15 minutes. Whoopie Do. You’re right, Sky. Why would I LET this phase me? The brief flashback this caused can just be a quick reminder that I made a GREAT decision by going NC.

I don’t think a translation is needed. Just as long as I didn’t miss anything here. If you still see a spath, then I’ll trust your take on it. You and Ox were the first ones to point out to me what I couldn’t see for myself, and ever since I took your advice, I’ve been in a much better place. I see no reason to stop now!!! 🙂

By the way, that video was great. I think Henry dealt with a spath to get inspiration for that song.

Here’s one for your day and a nice laugh:

Ox Drover

Panther, I scanned the e mail and it was “word salad” to say the least, made no sense, just words strung together and then “tossed” at random….self serving I suppose, but in the future, I suggest that you do NOT READ OR EVEN SCAN anything he says, just DELETE whatever, change the addresses so he can’t send you anything, and then continue on with your healing, and learning about yourself.

Glad you are doing better and this didn’t set you back a long way. (((hugs))) TOWANDA!!!! Stay strong!


LMAO, thanks for the video.

Believe it or not, my spath and I used to love watching the Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live, doing “The Pathological Liar”. I laughed and laughed at his “yeaaahhh… that’s the TICKET!”

I thought that a liar so preposterous couldn’t possibly really exist. As it turned out, he was sitting right next to me, laughing right along with me or rather, at me. I didn’t know that the joke was on me.

Oxy, seriously, I’m screwed with regards to that email account, because I don’t have the password anymore! I had linked it to my other account years ago and only accessed it through the toggle switch at the account’s bar—I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying right now, but I cannot delete that account because I don’t have the password, basically. I already tried contacting Hotmail and they didn’t believe that it was my account, no matter what I told them! My password reset was for another email account that I had deleted ages ago. Total conundrum, but I should never have opened that mail, I agree. Brain fart moment. It was like checking to see if the pile-o-poo on my doorstep was really poo by putting my hand in it and smelling it.

Thanks for your 2 cents. I shook off the initial shock of this letter and I’m basically back to normal. I think I actually forgot just how utterly nuts he is…..gee, how could I forget!

Sky, he was laughing because he was so pleased people cared enough to impersonate him, hehe.

Ox Drover

Panther, yea I know what you mean about losing the passwords to accounts of all sorts….and can’t change them or delete them. LOL Oh, well just don’t open it any more and you’ll be all set.

Yup. You’re right. And I won’t. Lesson re-learned.



Rock on.


Thanks Athena. 🙂 I finally figured out how to read your name!


“with all the real and good in my soul I wish the universe gives you what you rightfully deserve”. WTF?!!!!

You deserve to be free of this a hole. Peace friend

Yeah, I agree Strongawoman. I think that line is the creepiest of the whole letter. And the fact that he says it at the beginning and end…like parenthesis…and in-between the parenthesis is all the stuff he really means to say, which is that he thinks I rightfully deserve to be punished and destroyed, and with all the real and good in his soul, he wishes the universe makes this happen.

I don’t think anyone in his close circle has ever actually seen him for what he is. He still thinks tooting the same old bs lines will work on me, because everyone else he knows just keeps on giving him money and picking him up from the police station. Someone actually getting a clue and cutting him off is not in his realm of comprehension (cause he’s just too damn smart to ever be caught). It hasn’t sunk in or clicked for him, and it never will.

Peace to you too.


Panther, be calm in the knowledge that if he is anything like my spathy ex…..and there are similarities… He wants you to be punished because you have dared to go NC with him. He comprehends I think. They dont like to be unmasked, thwarted, or laughed at. But the ultimate threat is the person who sees him for what he truly is.
Let me lure you into my lair once more so I can turn your world upside down. Again.
I know it’s a bad thought but I’ve been having thoughts of revenge today.
Ox would say don’t give it head space ….but it’s galling. I don’t mean illegal revenge just informing on him.
Oh dear ….
I’m trying really hard not to be bitter. It’s what he would want. He’d enjoy it so I will think kind thoughts (to myself lol)…..and remember I had a lucky escape. Sorry am rambling but you know sometimes there’s a lot of shiat goin on in my head.
I read a lot here. Every day I check in. Couldn’t have come this far without this site and the support I get.


I can truly relate. I divorced after 33 years of the lies, cheating, drug use. I left 4 years ago and he still calls, not to ask about his kids or grandkids, but because he has spent his entire pension check for the month (AGAIN) on crack and is hungry, out of cigarettes, etc. I have blocked him from my cell phone, he calls at work. I have filed telephone harassment charges, and he still can’t believe I don’t want to see him. They just can’t believe we love ourselves (finally) more than we do them. I am slowly starting to exercise, I am spending money on clothes, getting my hair done (I still feel a little guilty) and on making myself look my age, not 10 years older from the stress. I don’t really date much because I am prone to attract and feel sorry for needy men. I know the latest guy that I’ve gone out with a couple of times is lonely (he’s a widower) and because he retired earlier this year, but the constant phone calls, texts, e-mail messages, etc. are really over the top seeing that I have to get up and go to work. Yet I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is lonely and has health problems. I have to remember, it is not my role in life to make sure everyone else is happy at the expense of my well being, no matter how cold that sounds.


I am so glad for this site. In September my piece of crap ex called me at work, crying and in a panic, saying that dealers were going to kill him and the guy he is living with (his crack head boyfriend) if he didn’t have $250. I was a fool and took him the money but made him write me a check for the 1st of the month when his retirement check is deposited. I went to the bank as soon as it opened on the 1st and got my money. Then I receive a call 5 minutes later with him saying they were going to kill him if he didn’t have that money, that I needed to give it back. I said okay, what is your address? I then called the police and told them the address and that my ex had called to say there was a drug dealer there who was going to kill him if I didn’t give him money. I wish I had been there to see the expression on his face when the police knocked on his door or better yet, I wish I had a picture.


Wonderful article and so true. I lost two stone and recovered from all my minor ailments after I found out the truth. I feel like I have been given my life back and am starting again aged 19. I went back to uni and found i had a brain, started dancing and found that i was sexier and more talented than I dared imagine, travelling made me feel brave and opened my eyes to ways of seeing the world and I am starting a promising new career. I am just beginning the life my parents prepared me for and I should have expected. Sure its bloomin hard with kids and no money and a handful of limiting beliefs and an idiot i am gonna have to battle with for a long time but its possible and it feels wonderful!! Do you remember the old seventies movie “Steelyard Blues?” Its a favourite of mine about outsiders striving for the freedom from convention. In it there is a song “They let me drive again, I feel alive again!” its an anthem for our freedom to love ourselves again.


The one thing that caught my eye in your spath’s email was the word “Crucified”. My spath had that as his user name on the site I met him on. I think it’s a common characteristic of spaths that they regard themselves as some sort of Christ figures who have been crucified. Poor things. *throwing up a little bit in my mouth*

Your spath should consider writing a novel. The email had it all – romance, betrayal, espionage, revenge, drama……..aren’t there any spaths who just send a normal email “hi, how are you? I miss you.”? Or is that not dramatic enough?

Ox Drover


Hey, calling the cops was a GREAT IDEA!!! Glad you thought of that! As for the old man with poor health and lonely, it really is NOT your job to provide him companionship, you might suggest that he go to a senior center, many of them have dances and he can meet someone in a comparable state of health and loneliness.

Ox Drover

Beatrix, congratulations on getting your life back! TOWANDA!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!


Now if only I’m strong enough to not talk to my ex at all, he won’t be able to scam me. Oh well, it takes time after 33 years of marriage.


Absolutely wonderful writing!!! I’m sitting in the same place in life with you. 12 yrs of loosing touch with the girl that use to be me. I hope to see her again soon! Thanks for this letter 🙂


Such a true post if you have been a lovefraud survivor you know this is all so true……So well written thanks, we are the only one’s who understand what we are going through physically and mentally….It’s been over two years for me and I will say I am finally doing better…. I know it probably will take more time I have my good days and bad like all of us here…. I am with a good man who is helping me and who truly loves me so that it self is a gift from God…God bless all of you who are hurting inside and out for keep praying and believing in yourself it will get better time ……………is a healer……….If we all could just get back what was stolen from us that would be Justice alone,however the Universe will take care of the one’s who did us all so wrong they will have a hard life…………
Merry Christmas to all of you !!!!


Mine finally packed the last of his crap into his caravan , out of my house-he being a hoarder- gave me back my house keys! what a relief !Drove him back to his 74yr old ex’s house. We fought again while cleaning , you promised to buy me a car and put it in my name , he growled! This coming from a man who never paid a bill nor bought groceries.

You all give me such strength Thank you! NC is my new motto and that door is finally closed, Can start saving again! Thank you all !!


To Am poster

You can never ever get any money back from an Spath as they see you as a source of finance (and anything else they can get from you). They see you as someone they can drain, of everything that you have and that you are.

I ‘supported’ my ex for years, not realising that none of the projects that he was working on would ever get off the ground. I lost thousands in general money plus money that I had put into projects and that he messed up cos he really hadn’t got a clue.

I paid the rent, the council tax, the bills, the food, etc etc and at first when he worked he would contribute, but then over the years the money stopped. I can remember sitting crying cos his latest project had just cost me £1,200, money that could have been used to pay other stuff.

When i first knew him I was in credit, when I threw him out, 10 years later I was £15,000 in debt. That was 8 years ago & I only managed to pay that off last year.

By the time I threw him out he had drained me of not just money, but family, friends, Joy of Life and almost my sanity & spirit.

I can empathise with the OP, know exactly how that feels, starting to see the old you under all the crap that you endured. It has been 8 years (in June) and I’ve finally got rid of all the emotional crap and have all my friends back and more. If you try & learn in a positive way from the experience it really helps. Doing something to get your own back also helps. I found one of his bank statements and discovered that while I was struggling to pay the rent & the bills, he had over £1,200 in the bank one month & by the end of the month had pissed it up the wall. So, when letters from debt collection agencies came for him, I rang one of them up, gave them his new address and sat back & waited. Apparently the police turned up with baliffs & took all his stuff (some of which had been mine which he stole when I threw him out) and arrested him & his new girlfriend!!!! He rang a friend screaming that I was the Bitch from Hell :-). You bet i was, made me feel so great to give him a taste of his own medicine lol

So you see, you are far better off just cutting him off, cutting him out of your life period. concentrate on putting you and your life back together 🙂

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