LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Are you seeing someone else?

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”

A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?

As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!

Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.

The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.

I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!

A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!

She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!

She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!

I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!

She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.

Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!

Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!

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114 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Are you seeing someone else?"

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It is amazing, Phoenix, just how much better not only my mental health is, but my physical health as well, since the stress level has dropped.

It takes a reasonable amount of TIME though for the body to recover from stress. There are several variables on the stress, one is the “weight” of the stress, and another is the “duration” of the stress.

Sort of like if I had to carry a 100 pound sack for 10 feet, I could probably manage to do it, but if I had to carry a 50 pound sack for 1000 ft. I probably couldn’t manage it. If I had to carry a 25 pound sack a mile I doubt I could do it at all.

That’s why long-distance runners carrying packs cut the handles off their toothbrushes…even a tiny amount of weight over a LONG DISTANCE is very heavy.


Try walking away from the loss of £100,000 as I have had to. I heard the distant sound of alarm bells when he had already had £50,000 but kept going with him as he was my husband and I thought I was ‘funding’ our future and his training for a well paid security job and he assured me that he would ‘make good’ in the end. Well he is doing that with another woman now and I have lost everything I worked for for over 25 years. WALK AWAY NOW and dont look back.

The Holidays: normally a time for ‘reflection’ anyways, but I am sure that for most of us, it is holding a different meaning this year.

You sure can ‘tell’ it’s the Holidays …

The spath intrusions and threats somehow increase over the Holidays and everyone gets a little ’emotional’ and out of sorts, anyways, “I” think. The season is suppose to be about ‘love’ and ‘new beginnings’….we all have one. If we truly want it. We have to want it with all our hearts and realize that what we are leaving behind us is a part of us that was always crying, always hurting, always longing, always accepting and tolerating….that part of us that almost didn’t make it and we know we almost didn’t.

It is difficult leaving behind something that was so precious to us but as we found out, not so precious to them. It is like the betrayal of all betrayals however no reflection upon us. We have to find an acceptance – a comfortable acceptance – and realize what our eyes and our brains are telling us. Emotions, not so much – it’s those emotions that are taunting us. Step back and away from the emotions and look at it all from a different perspective. Once you find that ‘acceptance’ that there is just definitely something evil and askew about the situation, you see it in a different light.

NC for me has given me that ‘breathing space’ to sort through all of my own closets and put things in order. I shall never give “IT” any ‘credit’ for altering my life FOR THE BETTER in the sense “IT” made that happen but I will say that the evilness I have encountered shall make me look at my life in a whole different, sort of ‘grateful’ kind of way. So I have THAT cog dis going on too! 🙂

I know it seems as though the nightmare is just never going to end. But in order for it to end, WE are the ones who need to grab the situation by the horns and stand up and recognize ourselves for the independent, strong, sometimes too caring, just people we are. Our hearts have lied to us and we followed our hearts…the spoils of love and war; hm?

It isn’t easy moving on from this experience, to say the least. For a long time I was held captive in my own mind. Years worth. I believed everything I was being FED. In the end, that wonderful beautiful spiritual affection turned into a demon trying to devour me and my life and it truly had no place to do so. We were not ‘life connected’ in any way whatsoever. Except for our brief ‘affairs’ over the years…all inspired and played out just like one of the best movie actors you could ever imagine!

We all hear what we want to hear and see what we want to see and ignore the rest because we love too much. We make ourselves a doormat and when we say anything about it, suddenly, we are ungrateful…never mind I tried to MURDER you…so, shut up, you are HERE aren’t you? So, what’s wrong with you? Leave.

I am not the one leaving – YOU are.
TAKE CONTROL and TAKE CHARGE and once you do that, you will be empowered again to take back your life…I am not saying that it will be easy. I think I sobbed for the best part of four years. I should have been hospitalized because I completely lost myself through deceptions and control. I was being totally controlled, without handcuffs and chains…and slowly, little by little, the abuse was getting uglier and uglier…I could see it there, steaming….I never allowed “IT” to live with me…I don’t do hitting and dominating in my own life and home. No PUNK barges into MY life and holds it hostage for YEARS, then threatens my life when I am on to it’s twisted games…..

NC has given me that control over my own life and my own direction. NC has given me control over the situation FOR ONCE. I shall never relinquish that control ever again. I have learned through trial and error, that means NOT ONE PEEP.

No matter what my heart says. I forsake that part of me anymore in order to survive…don’t give into the sorrow because I am here to tell you, it almost took my life…I am not sure if the heart attack was from an adrenal rush or what, but it was instant, sudden, cardiac failure and I am sure it was from all the stress – the cardiologist even said so.

Even after repeatedly asking “IT” to stop the insanity, after my heart attack, the taunting continued and even worse. I refuse to let him have my life…in any way and after all the threats and one actual attempt, no…listen to what your senses are telling you.

If you are in an abusive relationship, whether there is physical violence involved or not, GET OUT. Don’t make reasons and excuses for staying…GET OUT. If you need help to get out, contact your local law enforcement authorities. They can help you but don’t let yourself stay in a ‘threatening’ environment when you don’t have to. We only have one life to live.

The walls started crashing down and when I started figuring it all out and really listening, well, I broke free and I knew it would be very painful – it almost cost me my life on more than one occasion. And, I would say to myself: “Come on, now, be the bigger person; you know he has issues…” I would overlook things I shouldn’t have, from love and affection which was taken as stupidity and laughed at. No more.

For those of us who are experiencing our first Christmas without any association with “IT”, BIG HUGS TO YOU: stay strong and NC and you will find yourself on the other end of the tunnel quicker than you think. Reflect, pray, live, smile and love your way there…don’t let your heart devour you the way mine almost has because IT ISNT WORTH IT.

I feel those old ‘stabbing’ pains trying to ooze their way into my pores and fill my Holiday with sadness and tears and blues…but it’s not going to play out like that, this year. I have been SOLID NC on my behalf for just about 8 months. It will be 8 months on New Years Day! Although that voice calls to me every so often over the miles and the distance…taunting; love bombing; trying to work it’s way back in….counting on my conscious and my sense of what is right to give in and come back for more.

There is NO coming back anymore. My life has been threatened and almost snuffed out. I am not that kind nor good to accept this in my life. It isn’t my place to forgive him. I shall never forgive him and forgiveness is NOT a ‘requirement’ for moving past this like most people would say it is. It is okay to not forgive. We are human beings with emotions. What we have experienced is nothing short of a shock to the senses….

Nope. There is not one more word left to say.
I think I even said that when I said ‘good bye’….

The next words said shall be between lawyers and law enforcement. Happy Holidays to me: I am almost free!

I shall toast you all on New Years Eve.
Sorry so long…wanted to share before it was gone…

Christmas Blessings…

Can someone help me in determining the difference between a sociopath and a narcissist please? As in how we really know which one has been in our lives and wrecked havoc as looking at certain sites there doesnt seem to be any obvious difference as both will defraud, embezell, cheat and lie.

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