Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
Great post!!! So focused on what we need to be doing! Loving and caring for ourselves! Thanks for sharing this great and so well written post! Welcome!!!!!
Absolutely brilliant. My spath insists that I must have someone else because he can’t understand why I keep sending him away after ten years of lies and broken promises. Early days yet and I have a lot of bad days, but on my good days I see glimpses of the person that I used to be before he came along and caused chaos in my life. Will carry on trying to find ‘her’ again.
dear NOT-confused, personally I think you are SEEING THE LIGHT and are NOT confused…you are seeing the TRUTH and what he ACTUALLY is.
Keep on taking care of the new person in your life…you will find she is stronger and better than you ever thought! It only gets BETTER.
Welcome to LoveFraud! God bless.
This was so helpful – after 9 months I still have not been able to go No Contact with my ex-spath! He still owes me $500 and he’s dating another very wealthy, just divorced women. He still calls me several times a week, as he says I am his dear friend, and he does not want to give that up. And I stay friends, maybe in the hope he’ll love me again and give me my $ back. If he can’t reach me he always accuses me of being with another man and threatens to end our friendship if I am, but he never asks to see me and never does anything for me. It’s like he wants total control and to keep me as a back-up. I think it’s time I just let the $500 go and find ME again. But somehow I am afraid he’ll stalk me if I don’t respond. How do we overcome the fear of no-contact?
AmPoster
I think I might have a little insight for you. In a nutshell my dear, it’s a control thing.
My husband did this behavior that was like stringing me along. I wanted to fix our relationship (before I realized what he was.) and he used that to say things to give me hope, that I was the only one he ever felt connected to, that I mattered to him and no one else did, that he loved me and wanted to reconsile. All this was a lie.
What he did was what I call “Dog in the Manger” and he was a REAL DOG towards me. He didn’t want me, he just didn’t want anyone else to have me. And your intuition is right, you are now his backburner girl and will always be dropped when another opportunity gal arises.
No contact did not make me fearful. It empowered me.
On the subject of this article:
After I left my husband, I needed to have professional portrait taken. The results were awful. I could NOT get that haunted look out of my eyes. The most I tried to look upbeat, the more manic the picture came out. I ended up having a artist take old photos and doing a caricature.
It’s been three years since that awful failed photography session. I needed the pro shots again, it’s been too many years. I got them last week. WHAT a DIFFERENCE. I look relaxed, rested, my eyes lost that sharp defensive look. I NEVER expected to look BETTER as an OLDER woman yet I look SO improved that it gave me a shot of confidence in how others must see me as well. No more hiding!
I love this article, that reconnecting to the person I knew I was is like reconnecting to an old friend. I have been rediscovering things that I had totally forgotten, things I enjoyed. People that I forgot b/c I was so ashamed and didn’t want others to see me. And I have a social buddy! SOmeone to call up and invite to events. That hasn’t happened in YEARS, since my early marriage.
WHo knew when I left my husband and only saw death as my escape, who knew I had LIFE left in me! I didn’t! I couldn’t imagine ever having goals or plans or expectations EVER again. Yet, those gifts and more have returned. I am still struggling with superficial relationships, I want a solid reciprocal connection where I don’t have to hide what was done to me. But based on all I have recovered, I think that will come…
Don’t give up. Don’t think it won’t happen for you. It’s amazing how good life returns to when you get rid of the toxic, the spaths, the narcissists.
AMposter,
We over come that fear by DOING IT!!!! The next time he calls tell him, this is the last time I will ever talk to you. Goodbye.
First realize that he is NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU BACK THE MONEY, and yes, he just wants you on the back burner, he does not want you. He will never love you because he is incapable of LOVE….totally and completely incapable of anything but FAKE WORDS to fake love/sex. There is no connecting with this man.
Then change your number, block his e mails, texts, and if he comes to the door, don’t open it.
He will try to get you back on the hook, but don’t fall for it, it is simply a game to him. Hang tight! God bless!
Amposter- If the money is an issue- look at it this way.
See it as a bill for an exterminator. They charged you $500 to come spray for bugs and get that big cockroach OUT of your life. Was it worth it? EVERY PENNY!
Oh yes do I identify!!! Uh huh!!!
My ex will be obsessed, bewildered, confused, bereft by the belief that the only reason I am NC with him is because im seeing someone else.
How does that make me feel?
Good. Better than good! I have just been out on my Xmas party with work colleagues. First time in four years without the spath man plaguing me! It’s worth 500quid of my money to know that he feels like shiat let me tell you.
Am poster,
Forget the money. Go NC and start to live.stop letting this vile creature occupy your head space! To paraphrase Ox.
Ps. My spath owes me thousands. Am paying it off every month. It’s like having 2 mortgages. Well it is another mortgage! Lol. I don’t care. It’s worth it to have him gone from my life.
Life is for living.
Not for giving….it feels good. Tra la la
Strongawoman,
LOL your just crackin’ me up! TAWONDA! to you.
Ana, thanks for the towanda! Glad to be of service.