Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
strongawoman – HA!
‘Life is for living.
Not for giving’
One joy, cheers …. I had drunk a few at the work Xmas do when I made that comment. Lol
Amposter,
I can totally relate to your fear of going NC. YES HE WILL LIKELY STALK YOU. Then, you will have to do what a lot of people in here did and head down to the courthouse to file a restraining order, change all your contact info, and keep the police on your speed dial. It’s possible it will go that far. But by the very fact that you are AFRAID to go NC tells you how SERIOUS this is. Your intuition is screaming at you to get away from this guy. The fact that he will likely stalk you is not a reason to keep talking to him and you know it. The guy is a SOCIOPATH. Seriously? You will never, ever see that money again. Cut your losses and run like hell. If you don’t, every single second that he is still in your life is a second that he will slowly cook you alive until there is nothing left of you. If you don’t cut him off now, in the future, you’ll be looking back wishing you had done it when all you stood to lose was $500. One thing to remember about dealing with a sociopath is that it can ALWAYS GET WORSE. They have no boundaries and will not stop destroying. The only way to heal is to first get away from the abuser! That is step number one, and there is no negotiating this one. You will have to be strong. The sober reality burns like hell, but there is only one way out of this. When I first came into LF, I wasn’t NC with my ex yet either, in part because I too was terrified that he’d hunt me down and kill me. Luckily for me, the classic sociopath tendency to be extremely lazy protected me from this (although I actually moved to another country before going NC so it would have been really hard for him to get to me). He bombarded me with emails. I hooked up with a cyber detective. He threatened to come to Germany. I contact the local embassy and police here to report him. Yes, they will try. You block. Block. Block. Hope for his laziness to kick in early on and then you’ll be in the clear.
To the writer of this post, it was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. Almost made me cry….got teared up 🙁 That was so lovely!!! Thanks for writing it. I’ve been seeing someone too lately. I recognize her too. It’s been a long time. Today I realized how far I’d wandered down that strange road into a place where everything was foreign and unfamiliar. Slowly, I’m wandering back home to my center. At the very least, I’m able to start re-defining what I value, who I am, and where I want to go from here with that person inside me that cowered in a corner for years, waiting for me to stand up for her and stop dragging her, kicking and screaming, through hell with one hand in the devil’s clench.
Thank you all! I know I will find the strength to give up this bad habit of talking to my ex – thank god I have this site, my wonderful family, friends and health. Your right $500 is nothing compared to what I could have lost. I worry about his new GF – a newly divorced mother of 4 young boys under 15, one with autism – she is the perfect victim – and has a couple Million from her divorce settlement. I want to warn her, but no, it is no longer my problem. My ex is now driving around in the car she purchased for him last valentines day (he dumped me the next day) – and he sports many other gifts he has received from her in the past few months….all the while coming on to me whenever he sees me or talks to me on the phone. Ugghh – writing this out makes me sick!
Ugghh is right am poster ….I am sending you strength, determination and big ba lambs to RESIST. Don’t let him keep you on his shelf….ready to dust you off whenever he FEELS the need.
It should help you to know it’s a typical trait of these slimy toads…..they love to stay” friends” Keep you there as back up.
Plan B!!! Ye whatever.
Why would you want to be friends wi this piece of carp.
Ps I know because my ex wanted to do exactly what yours is doing. NC
……9weeks now and counting. It’s not easy. It’s an addiction….you have
to go cold turkey my friend.
Gobble gobble yum yum in my tum…..cold turkey
I love that …thanks strongawoman! Cold turkey NC – and I owe him no explanation! I have always been proud of my capability of NOT being addicted to anything…until HE came into my life..and I never understood why I fell so hard into this addiction (him) until I read on this site about how spaths get you hooked. I have to keep remembering that I deserve SO much better than a CON man who has nothing to show for himself, at 53 yrs old, other than the goods he has obtained from other women. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, INTELLECTUAL AND STRONG and we must not forget this!!!! It’s such a struggle to rid them from our daily thoughts and get them out of our heads – I want myself back!
You GO Amposter!!!! NO CONTACT all the way! Hey, $500 is CHEAP tuition to the University of Hard knocks (U of HK) and the lesson is PRICELESS!
I was gonna say that’s the price to make him go AWAY and well worth it. So…how much does it cost to get rid of a pathological destroyer with a human-ish face? The going price for this particular one is $500. You paid your money, now you get your product: Peace. Health. Prosperity. Happiness. You paid for it, so don’t let that punk try to squander your investment now! And you said: “and I owe him no explanation!” DAMN STRAIGHT! Just be aware that he won’t see it this way. He’s totally, completely, absolutely sick, so of course he won’t see things clearly. But you are right. You owe him NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. Do not feel guilty for cutting off a good-for-nothing, lying, abusive, cheating, manipulating, stealing human being impersonator. Save your “give a shit” for someone who gives a shit back. You’re worth so much more!
Or as Ox said, you paid tuition at the school of Hard Knocks aka Wisdom. You’ve got a BA in Eyes Wide Open and Knowing Your Worth now. Welcome to the alumni gathering 🙂
TOWANDA Amposter!
Hi Everyone: Hope you are all well and doing alright. I hope that you will set aside the sadness and torment and come to appreciate this Holiday Season. My best of wishes and love are with you all.
It has been just a little over 7 months since I went completely NC. THREE DAYS ago, “IT” contacted me, completely unsolicited and un-welcome, after having been told on numerous occasions, to leave me alone. This has been going on for just about 10 years now, off and on. OUT OF THE BLUE SURPRISE CRAP!
It has a collection of personal protection orders which I am sorry to say, if this behavior does not stop, I shall be adding to that collection. I MEANT every single word I told “IT” when I made it get away from me and I am not changing my mind. Not ever. I told “IT” to pay attention: “I will NEVER see you again and NEVER speak another word to you again, as long as I live. Go away from me now and don’t come back. Don’t contact me ever. You have betrayed our friendship and I am finished with your games. GOOD BYE.” And I turned around and walked away. EVERYONE in “IT’s” life has done the exact same thing. Because he is unacceptably mean and cruel. A little like the a-typical psychopath stories.
I am not afraid of him, in a physical sense because I am so much stronger than he is….mentally and physically, thanks to my IMMENSE ‘back up’! No, I did not respond to that text and I completely intend to never again. If the stalking continues, I WILL be adding to that collection of PO’s he seems to collect as he goes along….he actually did me a favor: I now have a new entry in my stalking log AND a fresh resolution. 🙂
It was YOU: OX that had remarked about that justification. It is difficult coming to an absolute decision on this the way I have. His contacting me out of the blue, with nothing contrite, whatsoever, except for a ‘pet name’ we used to use on one another…no. I am not ‘painting the picture’ for him anymore because I feel pity for him and his life. That is not a good enough reason to throw myself into the fire.
I have come to accept the truths and face them with grace and dignity. There was and is no excuse for the way I have been treated by this “THING”. None whatsoever other than “IT” could. That is unacceptable to me. Being blamed and then punished for our own kindnesses. That is what they live for. To see us hurt. I refuse to be a target any longer.
After everything I have been through; up to and inclusive of almost dying and having someone intentionally try taking my life from me, there is nothing left to say. And, yes, we could have been making love, at any time, and he would have gutted me and left me laying there in my own blood to drown, while patting my hair, kissing my lips and telling me how pretty I was…he even told me so. There is NO WAY I can EVER trust this “entity” about me ever again. He makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like a ‘pussy cat’.
I refuse to fall victim any further.
I owe this LEECH nothing yet he owes me so much.
He is fortunate he has some ‘free time’ to do something with his disgusting putrid life and should be taking advantage of that instead of stalking other people and trying to inflict pain and suffering where ever he may. We all have choices in this life and that is THEIR CHOICE to be the way they are, without even as so much as an EFFORT to be anything different. There is a red flag: refusing to accept any responsibility in any way for the way they are and denying they can change and laughing in your face about it.
They are selfish, cold, narcissistic people who would and have done and will do anything to achieve their optimum, whatever that might be. Anyone who gets upon their path is doomed for destruction through the entirely incomprehensible things they do…as it plays upon our minds and tears us into shreds and demotes us to nothing more than a glob of flesh unable to make sense out of what just hit us.
I have a psychopath stalker.
One whom I believe will try to hurt me, if given the chance, however, “IT” will never have that chance, never again, as long as I live, no matter how ‘love bombing’ and ‘charming’ it might try being now, almost 8 months down the road – I have absolutely held true to NC. “IT” seems to be having a difficult time with that – that and any respect at all for my eventual, at any moment, fatal medical condition. There is NO WAY I am investing ANY energy into this chaos. I am trying to live and to survive. The only reason for the ‘intrusion’ THIS TIME is to use me for something or to try inflicting hurt on me. IT IS NOT HAPPENING. I MEAN THE THINGS I SAID. I WILL ALWAYS MEAN THEM. IF IT IS HAVING A MOMENTARY JOLT OF CONSCIOUS WHICH IS ONLY BASED UPON PURE SELFISHNESS< I AM SURE: GOOD. IT EARNED IT. FOR ONCE "IT" CAN LIVE WITH THE RESULT OF ITS CHOICES AND KNOW HOW THE REST OF US GROWN UPS HAVE TO HANDLE LIFE.
Yes, KNOW YOUR WORTH. Pay attention to it..
You KNOW you deserve better. I spent just about four years solidly locked into a state that DYING would have been easier and after 8 months of NOT communicating and participating in it all anymore, I am finally starting to be able to 'breathe' again for a change….then "IT" tries throwing a rock under my boat…
It's alright. It is sort of a justification knowing that I am in his thoughts…so sweet: also used a term of endearment that used to live between us…oh how very sweet….under normal circumstances, I would have fallen for that – not any more….
When you finally realize this person you 'love' or have been conditioned into 'loving' (how can you truly love something so vile and ugly?) – when you finally realize the truth about what it is you are experiencing and witnessing for yourself, you will come to the same decision I have.
#1: Always better to error on the side of safety than not when dealing with a spath or ppath. If there has ever been ANY HINT of violent behavior that you know of, RUN:::FAR AND FAST:::If you are under threat, escape when it is safe for you. Your local law enforcement will be able to anonymously help you. Above all: keep yourself safe.
#2: KEEP STRONG. Surviving this trauma, inside our heads, as well as with our actual physical bodies, completely depends on our constant strength and ability to reform ourselves and reshape our thoughts. Everything we have ever thought of as being 'normal' has been completely blown apart…SEEK NEW PERSPECTIVE about your own situation. Step back from your emotions and look at it different, from almost a 'clinical' point of view and then act upon those truths you are finding.
#3: NEVER COMPROMISE YOURSELF FOR LOVE.
“I” have control this time. “I” do. I am not relinquishing it ever again. I am stronger than this and have already proven it…
I wish you all a very Happy Holiday Season.
Love, Light and Peace to you All…
Stay safe and may the Great Creator Bless You.
Dupey
Hey, Dupey do! Glad that your resolve is strong! Been missing you! (((hugs))) good points 1-2-3!