Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
Thanks Ox…xxoo
I mean there DOES come a time; right?
But “IT” acts just like a 12 year old boy throwing a tantrum and the tantrums always land him in trouble, sooner or later. You would THINK he would LEARN to stop it.
Yes, my resolve is so strong now. Very strong.
The more “IT” stalks me, the stronger I become.
And the more resolved…
I wouldn’t be able to see all this if I were still ‘thrown in the mix’; trust me…only by stepping back and learning to reprocess it am I able to find these resolutions for myself.
I think getting over the initial state of complete shock is the hardest stage of all this…he likes keeping me on my toes…well, who is really on WHOSE toes?
Miss you guys too.
I have been in hibernation like the Monks do..
Now I can somehow completely understand them. hehehe
🙂 Put a smile on those faces and realize that we are still alive!!!
Duped
It is so good to see that you have acheived this understanding.
Mine also stalks me via an art page on the web–and every now and again I look in to see what frame of mind he is in.
It has been four years since I threw him out and have divorced in the process.
Right now his mind is not too healthy. There are images of bombs. grenades and sex and a lust for my soul,
Quite violent.
I too hope to get to a place where you are at whereas it is out of my head and I can look at it in a detatched way. I beleive that this would cure my anxiety.
Thanks for sharing this and peace and love to you too.
xxx
ARGH! I did something quite stupid. I realized that an old email account was still linked to another email that I still have and toggled over to it. Then I noticed that there was indeed a recent email from my ex. Tis the freaking holiday season, right? They really DID have that convention. But then I did the STUPIDEST thing since my glorious moment of utter NC…I opened it. Scanned it. Sorta read bits and pieces. Now I feel like someone took me outside to the balcony, flipped me upside down, and shook me until everything fell out of my pockets.
I was hoping that I could get a second set of eyes on some of this….because suddenly my head is spinning and I’m doubting myself. Sky and Ox are expert spath-translators, but if anyone would be able to offer some perspective, it would help a lot. For some reason, I can see everyone else’s spath so well, but when it comes to my ex, I get confuzzled all over again!!!!!
This thing is EPIC in length.
Spath letter starts now:
With all the real and good in my heart, I wish the Universe gives you what you rightfully deserve.
You’ve hurt beyond my wildest imagination. What Joe did to you, you did it to me billion fold. (Joe is his co-spath friend)
Painted black. Accused. Condemned. Hated. Abandoned. Left to die. Ridiculed. Crucified.
No empathy, no reality, no compassion, no forgiveness, no substance, only evil and hate.
You are the one who thinks the government is after her and that I would kill you with a crossbow the first day we met. Paranoia is your middle name. I thought those little quirks were cute…didn’t know you were serious.
Sociopath. Cat kidnapper. Patriarchical local. Abusive **#$%@.......!.
The man tried to die for you because of the guilt trips you’d put on him, and you send him a blog post when he’s trying to recover. (I didn’t send him anything. No idea what he’s talking about) Why? Do you have any idea how hard it is to recover from this? Your first love, whom you trusted with everything, who forgave you for your mistakes caused by your inexperience and immaturity, and you’re ready to become the best man in the world for her finally aware of your love and your power within, leaves you like that? She twists the whole past, puts the whole blame on you, accuses you of kidnapping and hurting their baby.
Can you even empathize with a molecular portion of that pain?
There’s a video shot days before you left in which you beg me to marry you and come to Germany. It’s that video I sent you. I say I want you be strong, free and independent. I say marrying you would be wrong as we’re doing to get me there and that’s not cool. You kiss me, you tell me pacta sund servanda, you tell me never to forget the blood oath, you tell me you’re mine for life. You tell me you don’t want to leave. I say you must, as this s***hole is enough for both of us.
Computers don’t lie.
You say you escaped…borderline personality disorder.
“Amp” is usually a nickname given to borderline waif patients I have in my clinic – Shari Schreiber.
Broken Promises. Millions of them. I am not the one who betrayed them. You are. As you’ve always done.
You were my everything for 2 years. I was there all the time when you needed me. Never stopped. I was your slave in a sense, though I thought I was a savior.
When you walked in, I wanted to be your superhero. The way you presented yourself. The wounded angel, looking for peace and love. Left alone, suicidal, messed up. I stepped up to heal you. Being with you was never in my equation, but you did make me believe. I wanted to be your superhero, and I was for awhile. I had always been non-judgemental . True, I was a liar, but it was to protect my good nature, and you knew that about me. I was afraid people would tear me apart if I came clean (and they did, you did). You had told me to keep things secret, as no one would get it. Well, you were right. Even you stopped getting it.
You never loved me. Never. Even when I was your superhero, I was your meal. Object. Something to use. Even when I was the sweetest guy in the planet, it meant nothing to you. Nothing.
You enslaved me all that time, I had to be with you all the time because you would feel alone, hurt, whatever. You even didn’t want me to go to the gym, quit my job, and wait for you at random locations after work.
Why the emails? To show you that he’d never leave you for any wealth or woman. Your jealousy crisises had suffocated him . He wanted to make you see that you were the first, only and last for him. Why the conversations about promiscouity? To show you that you were more than just a flesh, you are a human, a woman, and he loves you as you are. To show you that you were the one diminishing your value by advocating these things, you were more. Why not marrying you that whole time even though you wanted it everyday? To show you that he’d never use you as means to an American passport or easy access to any country. To show you that he respects you.
Everything went backwards, things you already knew about me took a 180, and you presented me as someone I never was. A monster. Evil. You didn’t want me to talk to your friends, family, because you knew they would see it objectively in the right mind. You can never fail, never make a mistake, you have to be PERFECT. No gray areas. Always black&white thinking. Someone is bad or good. No middle ground.
“This is how you remind me of what I really am” – you made me listen to that song tons of times. It makes sense now, vampire.
For 2 months and counting, I can’t stop crying at random places. The pain is unbearable sometimes. How, why…. It’s not about losing you. It’s about the way you left me. It’s about how stupid and naive I was with you. It’s about the void you drilled in me. The way you did these things, how wrong and mean you had become suddenly. How much I had put in the line for you. A man unleashed all of his darkest, deepest secrets in front of the whole world (your blog) to show you that he knows, he sees, he is naked, ready to go back to the man he always was and take your pain away. You could kindly say “no”. Kindly, gently, humanistically. You thrusted a sword into my never-touched heart, decapitated me, then shot bullets at my dead body. Then you left…without any emotion, or feeling. The situation itself shows who the true sociopath is.
Why did you decline the 10.000 dollars I offered you unconditionally? I told you I had money now. Why did you deny it? I didn’t have to know where you were, what you were doing. I just wanted to know that you were taken care of. You even denied that.
And I spent your money? Antalya was your idea. The Mac membership was your idea. I sold my Rolex watch, and paid 7K credit card debt, I bought you a laptop. Yes, though, you did take care of me financially, after you made me quit my job.
You know what? I always pay my debts. One day, you’ll receive a letter, money in your bank account. Smile. This is not about you. It’s about who I am. You use that money to get an anthropology degree, whatever.
Joe tells me to post your pics, videos on a website, send it to your work, family, friends_basicly destroy your existence. Who does that? Why would I do that? I guess you would. Tila Tequila style, you would murder me if I had done third of the things you did to me. But I loved you so much. I loved an illusion. You destroyed me. You scarred me emotionally and spiritually. I can only choose to grow stronger than ever from this. Why would I take revenge on you? I choose the higher path. Revenge, suffering, anger, these only lead to what you have become, and I will never hurt someone like you’ve hurt lots of men, and finally me the worst. What comes around, goes around. The man who truly loved you, despite his clumsy attempts to show you, is painted black, probably cheated on, hated, forgotten in mere days. His first love who promised to always be careful and never destroy his heart does it the worst way possible. Then she has to run by painting him black because she can’t handle the or face what she’s done.
But you know what – I forgive you. I forgive you, Jane. You live the life you choose. So, here’s what I leave the remnants of your memory with…
With all the real and good in my soul, I wish the Universe gives you what you rightfully deserve.
Spath
PS Some of this is true, but he’s changed numbers and details regarding the financial parts. He never offered me 10K. I have no idea where that came from.
Panther,
you must’ve been dating my spath’s evil twin…
It’s obvious from his BULLSHIT that he’s been reading this site. He reads your posts as well as the others.
So here’s a message to him:
WE SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU. YOUR MASK IS GONE. TRY CAMPFIRE OF MY LOVE 2.0.
Panther, I’m sorry for what he is trying to put you through, but I KNOW he isn’t going to phase you. YOU CAN SMELL THE STENCH OF HIS LIES THROUGH THE EMAIL.
I would do a complete translation for you but because I know he’s reading this, I won’t give him the satisfaction. 😛
He would love to know that I wasted my time analyzing his words. No analysis is necessary spath, it’s all been said, you are as unoriginal as they come.
Here’s to you, SPATH:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxrd_jZJxkg
This is a great post and one that resonants with me.
LOL, great video Skylar.
Full of evil.
Sky, you’re a raft in the sea right now! Thanks for your take on this. Yes, I see through it, but oddly I get confused because of the way he throws in facts with the mess. Classic gas-lighting, etc etc and he knows where my buttons USED TO BE back when my self-esteem was torn up enough that he could use my “weaknesses” against me. Now that I’ve done some healing, I don’t have all those loose ends waiting to be toyed with. It just doesn’t work like it used to. Magic is gone.
When I initially saw this, I thought of the Campfire of Love too!!! I think this is one long tell and projection. He’s clearly been reading up, yep. I don’t even care if he sees any posts on here. I’m not going to walk on eggshells. Did that long enough.
Today was a GREAT day and I’m doing so much better since I went NC. This little flub threw me off for a whole 15 minutes. Whoopie Do. You’re right, Sky. Why would I LET this phase me? The brief flashback this caused can just be a quick reminder that I made a GREAT decision by going NC.
I don’t think a translation is needed. Just as long as I didn’t miss anything here. If you still see a spath, then I’ll trust your take on it. You and Ox were the first ones to point out to me what I couldn’t see for myself, and ever since I took your advice, I’ve been in a much better place. I see no reason to stop now!!! 🙂
By the way, that video was great. I think Henry dealt with a spath to get inspiration for that song.
Here’s one for your day and a nice laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkYNBwCEeH4
Panther, I scanned the e mail and it was “word salad” to say the least, made no sense, just words strung together and then “tossed” at random….self serving I suppose, but in the future, I suggest that you do NOT READ OR EVEN SCAN anything he says, just DELETE whatever, change the addresses so he can’t send you anything, and then continue on with your healing, and learning about yourself.
Glad you are doing better and this didn’t set you back a long way. (((hugs))) TOWANDA!!!! Stay strong!
Panther,
LMAO, thanks for the video.
Believe it or not, my spath and I used to love watching the Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live, doing “The Pathological Liar”. I laughed and laughed at his “yeaaahhh… that’s the TICKET!”
I thought that a liar so preposterous couldn’t possibly really exist. As it turned out, he was sitting right next to me, laughing right along with me or rather, at me. I didn’t know that the joke was on me.