Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
I am so glad for this site. In September my piece of crap ex called me at work, crying and in a panic, saying that dealers were going to kill him and the guy he is living with (his crack head boyfriend) if he didn’t have $250. I was a fool and took him the money but made him write me a check for the 1st of the month when his retirement check is deposited. I went to the bank as soon as it opened on the 1st and got my money. Then I receive a call 5 minutes later with him saying they were going to kill him if he didn’t have that money, that I needed to give it back. I said okay, what is your address? I then called the police and told them the address and that my ex had called to say there was a drug dealer there who was going to kill him if I didn’t give him money. I wish I had been there to see the expression on his face when the police knocked on his door or better yet, I wish I had a picture.
Wonderful article and so true. I lost two stone and recovered from all my minor ailments after I found out the truth. I feel like I have been given my life back and am starting again aged 19. I went back to uni and found i had a brain, started dancing and found that i was sexier and more talented than I dared imagine, travelling made me feel brave and opened my eyes to ways of seeing the world and I am starting a promising new career. I am just beginning the life my parents prepared me for and I should have expected. Sure its bloomin hard with kids and no money and a handful of limiting beliefs and an idiot i am gonna have to battle with for a long time but its possible and it feels wonderful!! Do you remember the old seventies movie “Steelyard Blues?” Its a favourite of mine about outsiders striving for the freedom from convention. In it there is a song “They let me drive again, I feel alive again!” its an anthem for our freedom to love ourselves again.
Panther,
The one thing that caught my eye in your spath’s email was the word “Crucified”. My spath had that as his user name on the site I met him on. I think it’s a common characteristic of spaths that they regard themselves as some sort of Christ figures who have been crucified. Poor things. *throwing up a little bit in my mouth*
Your spath should consider writing a novel. The email had it all – romance, betrayal, espionage, revenge, drama……..aren’t there any spaths who just send a normal email “hi, how are you? I miss you.”? Or is that not dramatic enough?
Cathyann
Hey, calling the cops was a GREAT IDEA!!! Glad you thought of that! As for the old man with poor health and lonely, it really is NOT your job to provide him companionship, you might suggest that he go to a senior center, many of them have dances and he can meet someone in a comparable state of health and loneliness.
Beatrix, congratulations on getting your life back! TOWANDA!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!
Now if only I’m strong enough to not talk to my ex at all, he won’t be able to scam me. Oh well, it takes time after 33 years of marriage.
Absolutely wonderful writing!!! I’m sitting in the same place in life with you. 12 yrs of loosing touch with the girl that use to be me. I hope to see her again soon! Thanks for this letter 🙂
Such a true post if you have been a lovefraud survivor you know this is all so true……So well written thanks, we are the only one’s who understand what we are going through physically and mentally….It’s been over two years for me and I will say I am finally doing better…. I know it probably will take more time I have my good days and bad like all of us here…. I am with a good man who is helping me and who truly loves me so that it self is a gift from God…God bless all of you who are hurting inside and out for keep praying and believing in yourself it will get better time ……………is a healer……….If we all could just get back what was stolen from us that would be Justice alone,however the Universe will take care of the one’s who did us all so wrong they will have a hard life…………
Merry Christmas to all of you !!!!
Mine finally packed the last of his crap into his caravan , out of my house-he being a hoarder- gave me back my house keys! what a relief !Drove him back to his 74yr old ex’s house. We fought again while cleaning , you promised to buy me a car and put it in my name , he growled! This coming from a man who never paid a bill nor bought groceries.
You all give me such strength Thank you! NC is my new motto and that door is finally closed, Can start saving again! Thank you all !!
To Am poster
You can never ever get any money back from an Spath as they see you as a source of finance (and anything else they can get from you). They see you as someone they can drain, of everything that you have and that you are.
I ‘supported’ my ex for years, not realising that none of the projects that he was working on would ever get off the ground. I lost thousands in general money plus money that I had put into projects and that he messed up cos he really hadn’t got a clue.
I paid the rent, the council tax, the bills, the food, etc etc and at first when he worked he would contribute, but then over the years the money stopped. I can remember sitting crying cos his latest project had just cost me £1,200, money that could have been used to pay other stuff.
When i first knew him I was in credit, when I threw him out, 10 years later I was £15,000 in debt. That was 8 years ago & I only managed to pay that off last year.
By the time I threw him out he had drained me of not just money, but family, friends, Joy of Life and almost my sanity & spirit.
I can empathise with the OP, know exactly how that feels, starting to see the old you under all the crap that you endured. It has been 8 years (in June) and I’ve finally got rid of all the emotional crap and have all my friends back and more. If you try & learn in a positive way from the experience it really helps. Doing something to get your own back also helps. I found one of his bank statements and discovered that while I was struggling to pay the rent & the bills, he had over £1,200 in the bank one month & by the end of the month had pissed it up the wall. So, when letters from debt collection agencies came for him, I rang one of them up, gave them his new address and sat back & waited. Apparently the police turned up with baliffs & took all his stuff (some of which had been mine which he stole when I threw him out) and arrested him & his new girlfriend!!!! He rang a friend screaming that I was the Bitch from Hell :-). You bet i was, made me feel so great to give him a taste of his own medicine lol
So you see, you are far better off just cutting him off, cutting him out of your life period. concentrate on putting you and your life back together 🙂