Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
Strongwoman, thanks for your set of eyes, and I think you are right that going NC was a no no. He even says that I am the real sociopath for leaving him and not forgiving him. Don’t apologize for rambling. It’s actually nice to hear that I’m not the only one who has fantasies about revenge. Lucky for them we “normals” have this little thing called IMPULSE CONTROL and we don’t act on every wild hair we get up our butts when someone hurts us. If we did, all our spaths would be dead!
Stargazer, crucified is a typical vocab word of his. He has said to me point blank, “I am Jesus” on more than one occasion. He also frequently said, “I am God” or “I am an angel.” Throwing up a little in your mouth? Ahaha 🙂 Yeah, I agree. He’s sooo blind he cannot see that he actually created this problem by being INSANO all the time! I remember one time I asked him if he was being dramatic all the time because he wanted someone to save him. He said, “Who wants to be saved? Being on fire is so much fun!” That was a major WTF moment!….and he IS writing a novel. He told me he wants to write something so f**ked up that anyone who reads it will be destroyed and maybe kill themselves. Oh, such noble goals!
Cathyann, you’re AWESOME for calling the cops! But before you did that, you really opened your pocket book again to this guy? Ahh, hun, he doesn’t deserve it. It’s not your fault or responsibility when he makes bad decisions that put him in that sort of situation. He’d never look out for you in the same way. Not to mention, would you EVER act like him? I am guessing not, so then why do you tolerate behavior in him that you’d never expect anyone else to put up with? What I mean is that you care enough about other people not to treat them the way he treats you, yet you don’t care enough about yourself to refuse that same destructive behavior directed at you from him. You deserve to treat yourself with at least as much compassion as you treat others with!
Unsure, you said: “This coming from a man who never paid a bill nor bought groceries.” Yup, you got a winner with this guy! Ha! He sounds like my ex, demanding that I buy him toys while I was working two jobs and he was downloading movies all day!
Panther ….” all our spaths would be dead”
Thanks THAT made me laugh!
You worked all day while he downloaded movies all day??
Omg is my ex your exes spathy long lost brother!!!!!! And when he had illegally downloaded these films, he used to congratulate himself and tell me how lucky I was to have him entertain me and how hard he had been working all day ….
Guffaw, choke and rolling around on floor pi**ing myself laughing!!
OMG he bragged about it too!! I’d get home, exhausted out of my mind, he’d be storming around the house telling me that he had “gone dark” during the way with thoughts of me not being a virgin. I’d ask, “What did you do today?” He’d proclaim, “I downloaded THREE movies. Can you believe it? I got THREE of them in one day!”
WHAT THE FARK IS WRONG WITH THEM!?!?!??!
I’m glad I made you laugh 😀 But isn’t it so true? If we did to them even half the crap they did to us, they’d have lost their marbles a LONG time ago and blown something up with a homemade bomb! They are SO LUCKY we have a “self-control” button, cause the stuff they pull is just unreal! They don’t even wanna know what would happen in a version of reality where we play by THEIR rules! They can justify murder just cause we didn’t buy them an iPod. Imagine what they’d do if they learned we’d stalked their mother, slept with their uncle, sent their naked photos to their boss, kidnapped their cat, thrown one of each of their shoes up on a telephone wire, put a laxative in their morning coffee, and pawned off all their valuables to buy drugs!!!!! Or some such nonsense like this. Their friggin heads would blow a fuse!
“Adelle” –
Bravo! Welcome back to the world and to yourself and your new found friend inside of yourself!
Wonderfully written…. could have been myself writing it, but it’s good to know that great minds that have been tossed and turned then back again can think and feel alike!
TOWANDA! 🙂
Oh by the way, my P father put my mom through the 1980s version of this. He dismantled the meter in the backyard and then bragged to my mother that he had found a way to reduce their electric bill. Then he’d pull up his truck to the back door of the restaurant his buddy worked at and they’d throw a bunch of food in the truck bed. He’d come home and brag to my mother that he is going to feed her without spending a dime. He was so damn proud of himself. My mom went nuts, of course. She felt awful knowing her husband was a blatant criminal! She started sending post-dated checks to all their utility companies that would be withdrawn on the very day her paychecks went through, and then he’d throw a fit when he had no money to buy beer!!!
They are just…..Cluster B nutjobs.
Panther,
totally agree with the nut job definition and of course they wouldn’t put up with half the shiat they put us through. Actually mine wouldn’t have put up with any. He used to say I was using him for company and sex …..when I moved out and came back home but still kept seeing him. He hated the fact that I wouldn’t move back in with him. I tried to have some control. Oh boy, did he HATE that.
As far as having revenge on him……I once peed in the bath and he got in after me. I laid in bed hardly able to contain myself. I did hear of a
woman who made her vile partner a meat pie …..outa dog food.
Apparently he found it delicious.
Thank you to the writer of this post! I could relate to every word of it… Even getting out of bed with aches and pains and I’m only a 34 year old women. And surprise, surprise, once I ditched Spathy my physical health started to improved. It nose-dived at first, but then I started making gains and then leaps and bounds of improvement. I’m taking better care of myself, realizing if I don’t, who will be there to take care of my precious 13 month old angel? Spathy and his NPD mom? My NPD mom? NO THANK YOU! Consequently, I have lost a ton of weight, I’m exercising and eating better. It’s good for me, and I’m also modeling a postive lifestyle to my daugheter.
Unfortunatley, my daughter has to visit him 2x a month at supervised visitation. This order supercedes the TRO I have for us. My state is confusing on this point. I had to bring her for her first one last weekend. It went ok for her, but somehow the staff let a card from his NPD mom slip through that had indirect messages to me on it. I was very upset. I spoke to a friend who is a lawyer and she said it did not violate the the TRO for third party communication. I decided to let it go after considering the insanity that has transpired with him and his NPD mom. I almost had an envelope with her recent pictures mailed to them last night out of guilt until I ripped the envelope open and listed all of the hurtful, manipulative behavior this woman pulled, including a secret birthday party for him with his ex-girlfriend and their child while I was 9 months pregnant. When I found out about it, I was “allowed” to attend… It was one of the sickest things to sit there, pregnant with his child, still in a relationship and living with this man, watching his ex-girlfriend scoop out icecream for his family!!! I’m so glad I escaped these sickos!
I had to remind myself that it’s not so much the contact with the baby that is wanted, but the manipulation of and continued control and abuse of me that is the goal. When they could see her every single day, they were indifferent! But since I have been NC (over 5 months now), I’m sure they are dying to know what I am up to… I want to move away and they knew this before I went NC, but the time is not good financially for me. In the mean time, I am continuing to take positive steps for my life and my future with my daughter. I firmly believe the best revenge is to live well and I’m making progress in building my strength back up.
My TRO ends in August, and if the months ahead are anything like the challenging ones I’ve just successfully navigated on my own, I CAN DO IT! I’m becoming my biggest fan. I don’t want or need their approval any longer!
And also, I wish every person on this site a pleasant holiday season. Even if you do not celebrate, I hope the weeks ahead are relaxing and enjoyable for you. I have found great comfort and healing in many of your words and shared experiences. You are my cyber family and though I do not often have a chance to post, I do often read the articles and your comments. I feel safe and understood here. Thank you all so much 🙂
Towanda LPMarie ….Christmas blessings to you and your daughter. I like your positive mantra, “the best revenge is to live well”
Go girl!
TOWANDA LP Marie!!!! Good for you, and you have it right, they only want contact with the baby to jerk your chain. Get your order of protection extended and keep it in force….
You are so right too that they are after control and only control. They can’t have that if you don’t allow it! GOOD GIRL!!! Take care of YOU, get your health back in tip top shape, model good behavior and good habits for your daughter!
I also suggest that you go to Dr. Leedom’s web sit “parenting the at-risk child.” Since you have some NPD on your side of the family and he does on his, your daughter is at risk through DNA but modeling empathy and compassion for her will help her grow up to be an empathetic and caring young woman, unlike her grandmothers and her sperm donor!
Happy Holidays to you as well! We are P-FREE and that is the best gift we can give ourselves! (((hugs))) and God bless.