Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
Panther,
you said, “if we did to them even half the crap they did to us, they’d have lost their marbles a LONG time ago and blown something up with a homemade bomb!”
I want to share a different perspective with you: they don’t really care about that stuff. It’s all an act.
This will be hard to wrap your brain around but please bear with me.
My spath brother was stabbed by a “friend”. it was half inch from his heart. Within a couple weeks he was drinking beer and doing drugs with his “frienemy”. THEY DON’T CARE. it means nothing to them.
My spath sister and her spath husband tried to have him sent to prison. I saved him by sabotaging their plans (a backspath before I even knew what it was). 3 years later, he collaborated with them to send me to jail for a domestic violence which he faked.
This makes no sense. I know. The only way it makes sense is if you understand that they don’t care about anything you do to them. The only thing that gets them “excited” is their addiction to a normal human being’s EMOTIONS.
They can stab each other all day long and not feel any emotion about it. But if they see an empath get angry or hurt, they will start screaming bloody murder. They’ll make up stories. They’ll create drama. “you cheated on me. you took my money. you don’t love me. blah blah blah.” None of it is real. It’s all a con to elicit emotions from you. That’s why grey rock works. If you don’t react. They assume you are spath and offer you a beer.
I know it seems real. If it were a normal person it would be real. But it’s a spath. they feel nothing but they act like the most sensitive person in the world. Remember, everything they do and are is 180 degrees the opposite of reality.
I had to comment. Yes, these man/child men see women in terms of male/female relationships. Women cannot be real woman humans without a male/female relationship according to him. If women are out of a relationship for a long time then that means she is a nun or lesbian. No other option! Either you are this or that cause your not with a man!
I know the nuns don’t give this view a thought. I know the lesbian community doesn’t give this view a thought.
So who is he hurting? He is just attacking at the one person he wants to control.
*
There are so many of these people in my life. My dad died last month and I don’t miss him at all. I am glad for this forum to be able to say this and not looked at like I’m a monster. I probably would have never married someone so much like my dad if I weren’t brought up in a home where I thought that lying, cheating, hitting and not contributing financially was normal behavior. Unfortunately, my youngest brother is just like my dad. My dad continued to physically abuse my mom when her altzheimer’s got bad and my brother took advantage of her financially. I fought them in court and an outside guardian was put in place. While my father was dying, my brother went into the house and took all the family pictures and is refusing to return them. I am going to also put this toxic brother out of my life but am going to monitor the house to see that furniture, etc. isn’t removed because those all now belong to my mom (who is in a home). I am so tired of fighting these idiots.
I’m confused
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/12/06/please-don%E2%80%99t-feed-the-trolls/
Strongawoman, I’m going to go work on my garden. I’ll see you later. It’s a lovely day, despite it being winter. You might find some beautiful flowers outside if you went for a walk.
Cathy: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/12/06/please-don%E2%80%99t-feed-the-trolls/
Thanks panther
Adele
thank you a wonderful post. I am looking forward to seeing someone I love too emerge from the mirror.
Realising that everything he does is self centered, that it is all about him, his gratification, his needs has allowed me to step back. From other contributions, I see the pain from lack of commitment and lack of trust in a relationship and how it kills the person trapped. How is destroys the person even if they are very much in love. Abuse comes in many forms, but is insidious is where someone directs or controls by love or imagined love, where it is all about Him (or Her) where despite protestations, there is no commitment to the other or the relationship but only to the ego of one.
I will face lonliness but freedom from him is the glow in my heart, and I will walk the path alone and proud.