Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Adelle.”
A little over a month after leaving an abusive relationship and refusing to have any type of communication with him, he asks if I’m seeing someone else, as if that would be the only way I could get over him, or as if after such a hurricane of a relationship anyone would be inspired to move right into another. Could it be that I finally opened my eyes, that I finally picked myself up from the floor along with my self-esteem?
As I walked the other day, I pondered on that question, “Are you seeing someone else?” I’d like to answer that if I may!
Yes, indeed, I am seeing someone else. I am seeing someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. She’s changed; I do recognize her because she’s familiar to me.
The last time I saw her was a few years ago; she was on top of the world! She was in her 40s and no one believed her when she told them her age. She looked younger, full of life! She was active in her community, well liked and respected. She was an encourager, a motivator, she loved to workout; she loved to read and write. It didn’t take much to make her happy, the free things in life were what she loved: A walk in the park on a cool breezy day. Reading a good book and getting to that “Aha” moment.
I took out some old pictures the other day and saw some of her, she looked good back then. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, she looks different, she looks a little tired, but every day I see improvement in her. Every day she looks a little better. I used to make fun of her, because in the past she was always sick, or she thought she was. I called her a hypochondriac, she had a pill for everything. She doesn’t do that anymore, she doesn’t take a bunch of pills, in fact she threw them away! She doesn’t think she’s going through menopause; she’s not as moody or as angry as she was a few months ago. She’s happier, she’s different. She’s even lost some weight!
A few weeks back she caught herself reaching for food and paused, she thought, “Why am I going to eat this?” I’m not hungry. She realized she was feeding something that didn’t need to be fed anymore—depression. She put the food back and smiled! I am so proud of her!
She caught herself on another day too, as she got out of bed; she walked as if she was 80 years old. She had her hand on her waist to support her back and walked slowly. She soon realized there was no pain, no aches. She giggled at herself and straightened up!
She’s dressing better, she’s styling her hair, and she’s spending time with friends. She starting to look more like the girl I used to know a few years ago! She tells me her life was turned upside down, inside out like a “Hurricane.” She says she doesn’t know exactly what she’s going to do, how she’s going to fix it or where she is going. One thing she does know is where she’s been. She’s been in a storm, and she’s not going back!
I believe her, you see, I love this girl, and I know her better than anyone, better than she knows herself! I know exactly what she’s been through! I’ll be right there with her, encouraging her, cheering her on with every little step of progress she makes, no matter how minute. I missed her so much and I welcomed her with open arms!
She’s always been a very bright girl, smart, witty, beautiful; she just had a bad experience a LOVEFRAUD, if you will! She fell in love with someone who was wearing a mask; she was deceived. When she realized it was all a scam, all lies, she froze in fear, she couldn’t find a way out. The shame, the blame, the guilt! She gave herself away, she lost herself, but she’s coming back.
Like I said before, I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately, and every day she looks more like the girl I used to know, every time I walk by the mirror I smile at her and I tell her I’m proud of her. I ask her to not be so hard on herself; I tell her she’s beautiful!
Am I seeing someone else you ask? You bet I am, and I LOVE her!!!!
Strongawoman, thank you! Blessings to you and yours 🙂
Ox Drover, thank you as well! I have bought “Just like his father?” I am half way through it. I am so grateful that this book exists! Unfortunately, the sperm donor’s NPD mother watched the baby from 3-7 months, but I took frequent time off and continued to breastfeed her throughout (still at it, actually :)). The book encourages breastfeeding for the physical and emotional comfort it provides, so luckily, I was already doing it before I knew her father was a Spath and that she may be vulnerable to her genetic legacy. I’m hoping some of NPD grandma’s maladaptive child rearing practices did not harm my daughter. It was pretty much about grandma’s needs, not baby’s. NPD grandma would tell me “I’m only picking her up when she doesn’t cry. That way she learns she’s only getting picked up if she doesn’t cry.” I got screamed at for saying that an infant’s only mode of communication is crying… And there were many other issues/problems. As soon as my financial situation improved, I got her into a safe, trusting daycare and cut ties with grandma!
So far, my girl seems to be developing above average in motor skills, language and social development. A good sign reported from daycare regarding social/emotional development: she has taken another child’s toy and when the child began to cry, she gave it right back. She will also go up to a crying child and give them her big sunny smile and say “HI! HI! HI!” The daycare family says it seems like she is trying to cheer up the crying baby. I can just see her doing it, too! She also frequently rocks, kisses and pats her little Elmo doll on his back and calls him “baby.” I am encouraged that if I keep doing what I am already doing and continue to remain sensative to her needs and model compassion and empathy as she grows up, we can overcome the gnarly genetic mix she may have inherited. I appreciate all of your support and encouraging comments throughout the past few months on here. Well meaning friends and family have tried to be supportive, but they don’t “get it” the way the folks on here do!
Ox Drover, I do have one question: You recommend extending the TRO. How can I extend the TRO? Specifically, what grounds would I have to do so if he has thus far complied with it? Just wondering. The custody agreement does not indicate that I have to have communication with him at any point. The judge and I discussed communication I told her that I felt it was impossible with him without being subjected to verbal and psychological abuse. So she did not make any formal agreement for communication. But I’m thinking this could be a gray area where he could, and would, manipulate. If I am not able to extend the TRO, ‘m thinking if (or likely WHEN) he calls in August, I will record the call, let him know it’s being recorded, and tell him I am only willing to communicate with him via email, and not to call me ever again, for any reason. Since he only has supervised visitation with the baby, there should be no need for him to have any phone communication with us. The visits are all arranged via the supervision center, not between us. At any rate, because of all of the attempts at control and manipulation that I have experienced in the past and anticipate in the future, I hope not to be here much past her second birthday. I’m just trying to wait out a crappy housing market so I don’t have to sell my place on a short sale (the value has plummeted dramatically) and destroy my credit on top of everything else. I’m in a profession where I have to maintain a good credit rating… So I’ve just been trying to be patient with my circumstances and have faith that better ones are in the works!
LPMarie,
Well, it seems a lot depends on how he keeps up with the visits, and or if he starts to harass you in the future.
There’s a program, there is an article on it here about a thing called “My family wizard” which is an e mail program that parents can use to communicate and all communications are kept and time/date stamped so you have to have NO direct communication with him. Here’s the link to the LF article.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/03/15/our-family-wizard-can-help-you-co-parent-with-a-sociopath/
I’m glad your baby is doing well in school, and I commend you for breast feeding, that is wonderful bonding for both you and her. In the community where I grew up many women were still breast feeding infants up to 2 and sometimes 3 years old when I was a child.It’s a shame more people don’t do this today, and actually it is so much easier than bottles, and even if you work, most of the time you can still bottle feed the breast milk during working hours. TOWANDA for you!@.......!!!
Sounds like you have got your “ducks in a row” and are doing what you can under the restrictions you have to work with! Good for you! ((((Hugs))) and God bless!
Ox Drover,
I will check into the link you provided, thank you! And thank you for all of the encouragement on breastfeeding! She’s 13 months and I’m going to keep it up as long as I can. The law only provides protection for 1 year to keep pumping at work, but I’ve got a great, family oriented boss 🙂 I keep joking I’m going to breastfeed her till she goes to college. She might end up with social problems, but we will be bonded!!! I’d like to continue until she’s at least 2 or she loses interest. Thank you for all of your support! Hugs to you and God bless you as well!!!
Panther
And I thought it was soooo obvious! LOL.
Im confused
Athena, it’s not too hard. They are usually so arrogant that they ANNOUNCE themselves the moment they arrive, either directly or indirectly. It’s like they are excited to be here cause they feel like an (in)famous being in a room full of spectators. Total ego boost, no matter if it’s negative attention. And they are so cocky that they actually think they can just waltz into the base of the enemy (figuratively, cause this IS war, in a way) and then announce to us all, “HEY EVERYONE! I am from the other military. You know, the one you’re fighting against!!! :D” They say it with this big dopey smile on their faces (yes, I can see it through the computer) and are so RETARDED that they don’t see what is gonna happen within about 1 hour of their announcement: BLOCKED. Duh. Then again, they’re just spaths…doing what spaths do: exemplifying the epitome of stupidity and poor foresight.
I’d like to see this happen on a real battlefield. Can you imagine someone from the Taliban walking up to the American soldiers in Afghanistan and announcing to them, “HELLLOOOO fine soldiers! I am a murdering monster from the Taliban and now I am gonna try to attack you!!! EHEHEHEH.” (dopey face again!). The only reason he wouldn’t be SHOT ON THE SPOT is because the American soldiers would need just a moment to process whether or not this level of STUPID is actually possible!!! Then he’d be taken hostage, and if he did attack, he’d be shot dead.
Brownflower, there was a spath in here. For about 15 minutes. His posts were deleted by Donna. When you just see links to the troll post (like the ones above), you are most likely seeing the remnants of a battle that ended in a spath casualty….. 🙂
Hope that clears up any confusion.
Dear LPmarie,
The best feeding provides so MANY benefits I would sound like a “used car salesman” if I mentioned them all….and only one of them is GOOD TEETH and jaw formation. The immunity from diseases is another important one. I could go on, but glad you are doing so and your child will reap the benefits. By the time the child is 1 your milk should be established well enough that you might actually just have the sitter give her a bottle of water or juice in the day while you are gone, or spoon feed cereals now that she has the enzymes to digest carbs and just nurse her morning and nights. If you have not contacted your La Lache league do so, you’ll get lots of tips and encouragement. In case you can’t tell I am REALLLLLLLY PRO NURSING babies, even for working moms. I strongly suggest when you wean her from the breast put her to a sippy cup or a straw, and do not put her down to sleep with a bottle of anything except water as the fruit acid and/or milk on the teeth rots them. It is called “bottle mouth”
Ox, Sky, Strongawoman, Stargazer, and anyone else who read that letter from my ex spath in this thread, I have a little update.
He had quoted Shari Schreiber as saying, “”Amp” is usually a nickname given to borderline waif patients I have in my clinic.”
Well, I contacted Shari and just asked her if she really said this. She runs an online website similar to this one, except it focuses on Borderline Personality Disorder and helping victims of those types. She returned my email today. Here is her message:
“That is NOT anything I have ever written in my materials,
and I do not own or run ‘a clinic.'”
Spath strikes out again. But I am shocked at the AUDACITY of totally fabricating nonsense and then quoting someone!!! Spaths are the cockiest nut jobs on this planet! Then again, why am I shocked? OF COURSE he made it up. DUH! I should have just assumed that this was bs just like the rest of the stuff he said in that loooooooong word salad!
Panther look at the article about the “reformed serial liar” journalist who MADE UP STORIES and made up QUOTES that he said various people said….and now that journalist, that SERIAL CONTINUAL PATHOLOGICAL LIAR wants to be a LAWYER b ecause he sees the light now, he lied because he wanted to impress his parents who were cold to him, pooooooor baby he just wants to be a lawyer and the meann old born won’t let him because in the PAST he was a dishonest journalist and they are afraid he will be a dishonest lawyer.
Excuse me, pass the bucket Sky, I’m about ready to puke! LOL
Now, Panther, are you surprised, REALLY surprised that your X would make up a quote?
Now, sit down pen in hand and write the following 500 times, and turn it in before the end of school today.
I WILL NEVER AGAIN READ OR LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE SAYS!
I’ll expect your paper turned in before you leave today! LOL ROTFLMAO