Editor’s note: This article about the importance of boundaries and belief in herself was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
It has been about a year since my story was posted on Lovefraud, Not one thing about him was real. It has been two years since I broke off the short relationship with this disordered man. It is a year and a half since he stalked me. I hope to share at least some practical points that have helped me in the healing process. It does get better. And it is a process.
I wish I could say that others may be helped PRIOR to involvement with a sociopath, but as we all know, sometimes the inevitable entanglement occurs before we even realize we have been manipulated. This entanglement would have ended much earlier if I had had clear boundaries, zero tolerance for lies and bad behavior, and the will to walk away alone and create my own closure.
There are many events and bizarre experiences with him, his family, his indiscretions, the pathological lies. I now realize that the ONLY purpose to ANYTHING he did was to make himself look good, please himself, hide the truth, devalue others for his own perceived greatness, impress people and get off on his lies and deceptions. He loves that he manipulates people to admire him as the hero, and to come to his defense as the broken victim that he plays so well. He doesn’t want you to realize he IS the stereotypical villain. He was just good at imitating the qualities that are truly admirable like modesty, bravery and dependability. Telling people he was a Navy SEAL hero, working for the NSA, CIA, using aliases, killing terrorists, giving away fake medals, telling stories of being tortured. It’s always about him. And what he calls LOVE is more like an OBSESSION.
He surrounds himself with people who are weak, easily manipulated and vulnerable. They WILL turn their heads to the truth. He wants them to need him. It’s tantamount for HIS very survival. Smart people will question him. Weak people will live the lie, sometimes because they need something from him and sometimes because they are just too weak to admit they have been conned. It’s tantamount for THEIR survival. I know because I was there for a short time. It’s a vicious circle and a world of denial that feeds his sociopathic hunger. In reality, he needs his victims more. He is only as good as the reflection he sees in the eyes of the victim. When I questioned his veracity, I was disloyal. But I was right. I asked good questions (eventually) and he could not keep up the rotting facade of his fabricated life.
Back to basics
I had to get back to basics in order to trust others, myself, my instincts, my intuition, my belief system, religion and all the rules I used to live by. I had to respect myself, gain back my self-esteem and learn to be tolerant but ONLY of those who do not violate my beliefs and boundaries. I also had to learn to stop accepting bad behavior much earlier and stop the self defeating behavior I recognized in myself.
I made lists of those “boundaries” and used them along with real life examples of behaviors that were no longer tolerable. The will to keep those boundaries safe came from the anger I felt after revisiting conversations and events and learning all of the lies. It was painful. I needed to forgive myself, not him, and I decided I would never allow that behavior again EVER.
Read more — Quiz: Are you a target?
I was mind raped. No doubt. I lost an innocence, not unlike being a rape victim. The abuse and exploitation is so ambient at times that you don’t even realize what has happened. It is ridden with intermittent generosity and professions of love while your thoughts, actions and behaviors are so closely controlled through undermining manipulation, guilt and shame. You are in a whirlpool of words and actions that are so inconsistent. And manipulation that has you believing you are wrong, and that everything you learned to date is wrong and that what you are witnessing must be real, while all you know to be right and good has defied you. My intelligence and good rationale failed me. Still I wanted to believe and have hope and faith.
I made lists
It was therapeutic for me to make lists:
- Things he took from me.
- Things I gave up to him.
- Lies he told.
- Red flags I ignored.
- Names he called me.
- Things he did and said to violate me and my children and friends and all the things he did (behaviors) which were inconsistent with the things he said.
I was too manipulated for far too long. NO MORE. Finally I understood that there was nothing of substance there in him to begin with. I thought he had more to offer me than I had to offer myself. But it was I who had what he wants and needs desperately. Perhaps he saw an innocence, a vulnerability, a naiveté about me and he knew I could be conned.
As much as I read and studied narcissism, sociopathy, and any number of disorders, I still could not comprehend why he lied and cheated as he did and why I allowed him to keep coming back for more. Someone told me that normal, healthy people cannot make sense of irrational, impulsive and sometimes delusional behavior because we simply rationalize. People who are disordered and impulsive just do what they do because they can and it benefits themselves in some way. It truly is that simple.
Creating boundaries
There are things I have learned to practice that have allowed me to find closure, take my power back, regain my confidence, which hopefully will keep me from EVER making this mistake again. I don’t need someone else to provide closure to a bad relationship or situation I never did. It was in me all along.
Creating Boundaries: These are mine:
- HONESTY — I ignored my instincts and the facts even when I caught him in lies.
- INTEGRITY — He was not and never will be a man of his word.
- FIDELITY/LOYALTY — The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. (He cheated constantly on his previous wife, on me and on his current wife. I have been told she is wearing the same engagement ring I wore.)
- RESPECT — (The verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the inability to do as he says are ALL encompassing of issues of respect). The bad behavior, spitefulness, drug abuse and allowing all of the above with his adult daughters.
I learned all over again to verbalize my rule of zero tolerance. I didn’t always speak up in the presence of the sociopath because he HAD to be in control and raged or had a tantrum for days.
The closure I seek these days, which I learned as a practice from my therapist, is that when someone is disrespectful, lies or doesn’t treat me well, that I need to close it off with direct communication about what I think and feel and to NOT let them back in again. When I do, I feel like I am in control of my life, my beliefs, and displaying respect for myself (and in an appropriate way). I have truly taken my power back. It is important for me to say, “Don’t contact me again. You are behaving inappropriately. I am not interested in you any longer. I don’t like what you just said to me.” IT IS ok to protect yourself first. I explain this at the risk of sounding juvenile or patronizing but I truly had to relearn these practices, which came so naturally to me previous to the sociopath.
Recognizing my value
All of our lives are eventually a result of the decisions we make. This is particularly true of the sociopath. In fact, I prefer to believe that his life is like a constant panic of desperation to gain what others have, what he needs to see in our reflection to fill the emptiness of his disturbed soul. He can’t fulfill his own fantasies fast enough and so he scrambles daily to find victims to manipulate in order to feel superior.
Listen now — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Recently, this man’s family and new friends found the truth about him on an internet site where he has been exposed as a military impostor and con man. He has known of the exposure for two years after an investigation. He chose not to respond then. He has dishonored those who served and gave of their lives. Other women/people have now come forward and also identified him and his stories. Justice comes in strange ways sometimes. He counted on all of his victims to cower to his intimidations but HE is the coward. Those who continue to live the lie are the cowards. Yet he still has potential to be prosecuted for his crimes. HE IS EXPOSED. I prefer to be on this end simply observing the drama that he is creating with his new followers and family, with no involvement.
At some point I saw more value in what the sociopath had to offer me than in what I had in myself. And I was willing to give myself up to be what he wanted, demanded, expected. The abuse I suffered as a target of a sociopath has taken a toll. To recover, I first had to clear the fog, find myself, and understand my value and importance.
There is a kind of confidence that is exuded when we know who we are and what we want and don’t deviate too much from that. People see it in us and respect it as well. The road is long and this experience with this dysfunctional man will stay with me for a long time. I found myself through recognizing my value and making sure it is respected and appreciated, if not by someone else, by ME. After all, I am the one who has to face me every day.
Learn more — Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 9, 2009.
Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally
robxsykobabe,
What your holding onto is the illusion he created himself to be. Not who he is. Intellectually you know that he is a liar a theif, and a cheater, as you said. But the heart is always slower to respond than what you know on an intellectual level.
S/p/n are masters at creating this illusion. That is what we fall in love with.
Once you are “on to them” that is when the illusion all falls apart and the true self comes out in full force. And because there is no “normal” break up process, no closure, no logic, this complicates everything you are going through emotionally.
Robx:
When searching for an attorney,….I was adament of finding one who ‘got it’.
I would say, and still believe…once we ‘get it’…..it changes ALL!
We either ‘getit’ or we don’t.
You can’t hide once it’s ‘gotten’.
GET IT……
They are an illusion, a facade, fakes, actors…….nothing is real to them…..
We see things (niceties) in them that we fall for….it’s what all ‘normal’ healthy thinking persons look for in a mate…..
The only difference…S”s portray the behaviors…..they do not run into the soul.
It’s a hard concept to understand how we couldn’t see it….believe me…..28 years….do ya think I kick myslef…..how could I have been blind for 28 years?
Well….I had faith in myself, faith in my marriage, faith in my husband and faith in my family……what’s so wrong with that?
NOTHING……EXCEPT……I had faith in a person that exploited my kindness and loving heart!
He did not have the same agenda as me…….we were only a front!
I guess it boils down to…..IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!
How sad is that!
Don’t be hard on yourself…it’s a process……in the end…..i believe we come out much better off……
Wow – just read through all the comments – these people really are scum and if there is such a thing as karma, they’re all coming back next life as slugs to be poisoned, snails to be squashed or earthworms to be cut into pieces with garden implements.
I can’t believe the comment about the email with acid pictures – WTF??? This guy is extremely dangerous – they all are, but to actually send you a threatening email suggests forethought and the knowledge that this would scare the hell out of you. I agree with other posters – that needs to be referred onto the Police as a definite threat. Many men have done this when a woman has broken up with them – the aim being to scar them for life so nobody else will want them (the old ‘if I can’t have you then nobody else will either’ scenario).
Roxy – the sexual thing is very very common. I too suffered constant pressure for sex and was punished by withdrawal and the silent treatment if I didn’t comply. I ended up explaining to him that his constant pressure turned me completely off and he had no chance at all if he continued with it. I also suggested he go ‘relieve himself’ and during one particularly bad argument with him about it screamed at him “I am not responsible for taking care of all your sexual urges! You can go whack off, look at porn or do whatever the hell you like, but I will no longer be pressured or made to feel bad by you about this anymore!”
What t hat behaviour is is sexual abuse plain and simple. It’s just another method to abuse us with. Mine used psychological abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, severe financial abuse and some covert physical abuse. He would pin me down and tickle me to the point I would be screaming out for mercy. He also twisted my wrists, pinned me up against walls, shoved me and prevented me from leaving rooms. He used rough treatment during sex too like pulling my hair and manhandling me – I complained vociferously about this and he stopped doing it for the most part. It’s disgusting but they really do treat us like objects with no thoughts and feelings or needs of our own.
I think the obsession with sex has to do with control for one. But it is also a distraction from the emptiness they experience as they have no real personality underneath the mask. Boredom leads to excessive thoughts about sex. The Pex would also withold if angry with me – both affection and intimacy and he was angry a great deal of the time. Another poster pointed out that they like to brag about their performance so each sexual escapade is a boost to the ego. it’s not about closeness and connection – it’s about how well they performed and how they’re the best. Crazy.
I’d like to see all of them gathered up and dumped on a desert island survivor style – imagine the games that would abound with a whole group all the same – they’d be backstabbing and competing and aiming to do one another down. Sociopath Island … has a nice ring to it. They are not fit for regular society and should be removed from it for the protection of good people who try to get along with others and help people.
Polly, I love your desert island idea – except that they would probably enjoy being in it! My ex-S had a friend who is probably an S too. I remember them slagging each other – in retrospect I realise that was a very unhealthy friendship (yeah, what a surprise). The friend would make jokes that I didn’t understand at the time, but that were a way of ‘threatening’ my ex to tell me the truth. In a way, they were both playing with me together, the friend was protecting my ex, confirming his stories etc, but also the friend was showing my ex how much power and control he had because he knew so much. That pair would be great to watch in a desert island programme.
Sociopaths really can’t have any form of relationships with any other human or in-human being.
Polly…you’re so right. My ex needed constant reassurance that he was the best lover I ever had. That’s all he worried about. Would ask me ALL THE TIME. I thought it was strange that he needed me to tell him over and over again, even after 4 years. Now I know it was just to boost his ego and for control. He was an amazing lover. Sometimes I wish the sex sucked, because I think that’s really the only thing I miss. I thought that was the only time I ever saw any truth in his eyes. But I think back now, and realize it was probably all part of the game too. I wonder if he looked at other women the same way….probably. Said the same things to them….probably… It makes my skin crawl now.
And my ex was OBSESSED with porn. It didn’t bother me much. I guess I thought it was harmless, and I guess I’d rather have him looking at porn than being with other girls!! Ha!! Joke was on me! And when he knew I wasn’t bothered with it, he started sending me obscene emails with pictures he found. Or new things he would like to try. He called it doing “research.” Ewww. And by the end of our relationship he was looking at really wierd porn. Like vampire porn?!?! It’s like the regular stuff didn’t do it for him anymore. He knew he was so desensitized to porn that he didn’t even get an erection from looking at it. Sad huh? He told me he just wanted to know everything that was out there. And boy, did he. And he SWORE that he NEVER masterbated. To this day, I’m still not sure if he was serious. He may not have had to, seeming that I know now about all the other women now. Or maybe he didn’t because he was so desensitized to the porn that he couldn’t even get it up anymore. But I feel for the most part that sex drove him. He would do a ton of cocaine and go for HOURS. It was exhausting sometimes. It was never enough for him. And god for bid if I wanted it when he didn’t. He would completely withhold. Sex was always on his terms. All for the control. Creep.
Witsend and Erin Brock:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Its difficult talking to people about this who dont seem to really understand, as this phenonemon seems unique.
I have been hard on myself at times. Honestly, though, when I sit back and think about it and analyze my ‘role’ in how things turned out, I have to accept that I was a GREAT person to him for however much he tried to make me believe I wasnt ‘giving him what he needs or wants’.
Those two words resonate with me like no ones business. I continually try to comprehend what he ‘needed’ or ‘wanted’ that I didnt provide and have scratched the surface of understanding that what he was being ‘neglected’ of was the ability to HAVE MY LIFE—he was told no to crawling in my skin and was expected to be his own person. But he couldnt really, cause what ‘he’ actually consisted of was a 36 year old man? who lived at home with no license, car, or ability to further himself on his own. He was, characterologically speaking-broken-and unfixable…UNLESS, he could skinny his way into my life, attach to it, and SEEM like he was a contributing factor…and at the same time, continue with his distorted sense of ‘life’ by hiding, lying, cheating, stealing because THOSE things create the excitement he craves.
When will he get tired of this? I remember one conversation we had where he told me this (us) was ‘the healtiest relationship he’s ever been in.” That was prior to any of the chaos really beginning and it strikes me as odd to this day. If he could recognize the healthiness of us at that time, comparitively speaking, then how can he not recognize that HIS behaviors created SIGNIFICANT levels of unhealthiness?
There is no correlation in his mind? Is it possible that he does recognize how his behaviors hurt people time and time again (clearly seen by all his relationships failing…even friendships), but is so wrapped up in ‘the game’ that he’s unable to stop?
I need to stop…me…I NEED TO STOP!!!
Pollyannanomore:
THanks for the response too. You and I sound similar in how we approached our ex’s about sex when realllly fed up. In fact, a classic statement of mine to him was “I am not some object you can use for your personal satisfaction. I am NOT going to be treated like a piece of meat by you or any one else”…and, of course, I ‘misunderstood’ what he was doing cause ‘all (he) wanted was to feel close to me”.
I used to want to have sex with him, but after he got caught ‘meeting up’ with his ex, my desire changed. How pathetic is it that he would say to me “I want to feel like you want me”, and I would interperet that as in “wanting him around’ or ‘wanting to be in a relationship’ with him. All he EVER wanted was to have sex, as it permiated his thoughts.
At times I felt bad as if I had been acting unappreciative about having him in my life. Maybe I needed to SHOW him more how much he meant to me, how much I wanted him–I could send more emails or give little tokens of love, you know….
Boy was I wrong…because I wasnt jumping on him the minute he walked in my house, or begging for sex 4 times a day, or coming on to him…THATS what he was talkign about when he said he didnt feel ‘wanted’?
He’s so sick…does this even make sense?
Yep makes total sense – the Pex in my life used to make that excuse too – ‘don’t you want me anymore?’ ‘ I just want to be close to you’ (Hey buddy you ARE close – you’re right in my personal space and you ain’t coming any closer lol). Wanting was never about emotional dynamics – just plain ole sex – lust. I tried explaining to him that drive naturally drops off for everyone once the relationship matures and each gets more familiar with the other – the quality of sex changes. He wanted it to remain as it had in the beginning.
So he tried to make out the sex was reassurance of my undying devotion to him that couldn’t be expressed in any other way. Nevermind the fact I worked my fingers to the bone for him being his chef, maid, chauffeur, nurse, counsellor, life coach, friend, lover and everything else. None of those expressions of love made any difference – sex was the one he wanted. Mine didn’t cheat (as far as I know) which is quite unusual. I honestly started to wish he would at times! The pressure was terrible and being christian, there was always the undertone I was meant to submit to my husband though he never dared to vocalise it.
I do think it is to do with boredom the more I think about it. I have encountered other single guys who have the same sex obsession and it’s generally because they have too much time to think about it. It’s definitely also prowess or getting strokes for their performance. He wanted to know he was the best but didn’t want to know a thing about previous lovers – just that he was the best. When I look back now and realise it meant nothing to him, I feel creeped out. Sometimes I would well up with tears thinking about how close we were and how wonderful and pre ordained it all was and all he was thinking about in every interaction was winning.
After we split, he lured me back in once saying ‘we could have some fun’. I denied him for a long long time and then gave in and immediately knew it was a mistake. I told him then I can’t make love with someone I have no feelings for. And he was furious about it. So even when the relationship had totally ended with no hope of ressurection, he still tried to seduce me as a kind of friends with benefits thing – I find that just mind boggling. It shows me I was just being used the whole way through and he continued to have no regard for my moral and ethical boundaries though I clearly explained why I couldn’t have a sexual relationship with him without all the other factors included as well.
Another thing he did while we were together … he would do all the pressuring then sulk. But then later he would say “I’m not going to beg you anymore” and that was designed to induce guilt in me – as though his standards of libido – wanting it every day if not several times a day was normal and I was abnormal for not jumping him or being flattered and delighted by his ‘begging’ (aka pressure and abuse). It wasn’t so much what he said as the way he said it – he’d use the silent treatment for a while and be all sad and disappointed when he said it. Bastard!
Amber – your experience of him needing to be the best sounds like me as well – lots of reassurance needed – it’s just supply to them. And we’re just the backup of supply (secondary source) in case more exciting others in the world don’t come through and praise him to the hilt every day. I recall saying to him once ‘You know I am not your doll you can just put on a shelf and bring down to play with when you feel like it – I’m a person with feelings and needs of my own.’ It didn’t make any difference though – he always promised to do better, I would hope and he would let me down without fail. In the end I just stopped hoping and that’s when the real depression hit for several years – I knew I was stuck in a situation I couldn’t control and my self esteem and ability to change my reality was at rock bottom. Horrible place to be in – I am so glad I am not there now.
Eilleen – that sounds like a very intriguing dynamic to witness – that must have raised some funny feelings in you to watch it. ALmost like they were blackmailing each other about revealing their true identity. I have often wondered if they are self aware enough to recognise others who are like them?
Amber and ROxy – sorry they cheated – that must have been horrible to find out about. Crises can be handled when there is honesty but to find deceit in that area must have been a terrible shock – especially if you confronted him and he denied it.
Oh one other thing seeing as how we’re on the sexy issue!
I knew towards the end the sex was complicating things for me. I couldn’t think clearly about the relationship and couldn;t reconcile this person who harmed me in everyday life with the amazing sex we shared so I stopped sleeping with him altogether. And when sex was out of the equation, the spell I was under was much easier to break – so the sex was a mean manipulation that gave the impression of love and togetherness without any actual substance in real life. Somehow I was aware enough to know that the sex was confusing the issue. In my mind I was thinking “How can we share this amazing thing and then he goes back to treating me so badly? What’s going on with that?”
It wasn;t too long before the end came after that – the first ending anyway! They have a habit of hanging around and being incredibly difficult to get over. The sex had me hypnotised though for some reason. I now know you can have great sex with someone that has no feelings for you – eeek that is sick!
pollyannanomore: everytime i look at your name I read it as ‘poly amourous. forgive me. 😉
thank-you for the idea about the media. this has crossed my mind. I want to pursue this – cause i think it might work. I need to be patient and take my time – same for everything. I have been on high anxiety and crazed adrenaline for quite a while now – so i need to go slow
IF ANYONE HAS SOME IDEAS ABOUT TAKING THE INACTION/ LIES OF A BAD LANDLORD AND HOW IT AFFECTS THE HEALTH OF HIS TENANTS PLEASE JUMP IN!
Thanks,
one step