Editor’s note: This article about the importance of boundaries and belief in herself was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
It has been about a year since my story was posted on Lovefraud, Not one thing about him was real. It has been two years since I broke off the short relationship with this disordered man. It is a year and a half since he stalked me. I hope to share at least some practical points that have helped me in the healing process. It does get better. And it is a process.
I wish I could say that others may be helped PRIOR to involvement with a sociopath, but as we all know, sometimes the inevitable entanglement occurs before we even realize we have been manipulated. This entanglement would have ended much earlier if I had had clear boundaries, zero tolerance for lies and bad behavior, and the will to walk away alone and create my own closure.
There are many events and bizarre experiences with him, his family, his indiscretions, the pathological lies. I now realize that the ONLY purpose to ANYTHING he did was to make himself look good, please himself, hide the truth, devalue others for his own perceived greatness, impress people and get off on his lies and deceptions. He loves that he manipulates people to admire him as the hero, and to come to his defense as the broken victim that he plays so well. He doesn’t want you to realize he IS the stereotypical villain. He was just good at imitating the qualities that are truly admirable like modesty, bravery and dependability. Telling people he was a Navy SEAL hero, working for the NSA, CIA, using aliases, killing terrorists, giving away fake medals, telling stories of being tortured. It’s always about him. And what he calls LOVE is more like an OBSESSION.
He surrounds himself with people who are weak, easily manipulated and vulnerable. They WILL turn their heads to the truth. He wants them to need him. It’s tantamount for HIS very survival. Smart people will question him. Weak people will live the lie, sometimes because they need something from him and sometimes because they are just too weak to admit they have been conned. It’s tantamount for THEIR survival. I know because I was there for a short time. It’s a vicious circle and a world of denial that feeds his sociopathic hunger. In reality, he needs his victims more. He is only as good as the reflection he sees in the eyes of the victim. When I questioned his veracity, I was disloyal. But I was right. I asked good questions (eventually) and he could not keep up the rotting facade of his fabricated life.
Back to basics
I had to get back to basics in order to trust others, myself, my instincts, my intuition, my belief system, religion and all the rules I used to live by. I had to respect myself, gain back my self-esteem and learn to be tolerant but ONLY of those who do not violate my beliefs and boundaries. I also had to learn to stop accepting bad behavior much earlier and stop the self defeating behavior I recognized in myself.
I made lists of those “boundaries” and used them along with real life examples of behaviors that were no longer tolerable. The will to keep those boundaries safe came from the anger I felt after revisiting conversations and events and learning all of the lies. It was painful. I needed to forgive myself, not him, and I decided I would never allow that behavior again EVER.
Read more — Quiz: Are you a target?
I was mind raped. No doubt. I lost an innocence, not unlike being a rape victim. The abuse and exploitation is so ambient at times that you don’t even realize what has happened. It is ridden with intermittent generosity and professions of love while your thoughts, actions and behaviors are so closely controlled through undermining manipulation, guilt and shame. You are in a whirlpool of words and actions that are so inconsistent. And manipulation that has you believing you are wrong, and that everything you learned to date is wrong and that what you are witnessing must be real, while all you know to be right and good has defied you. My intelligence and good rationale failed me. Still I wanted to believe and have hope and faith.
I made lists
It was therapeutic for me to make lists:
- Things he took from me.
- Things I gave up to him.
- Lies he told.
- Red flags I ignored.
- Names he called me.
- Things he did and said to violate me and my children and friends and all the things he did (behaviors) which were inconsistent with the things he said.
I was too manipulated for far too long. NO MORE. Finally I understood that there was nothing of substance there in him to begin with. I thought he had more to offer me than I had to offer myself. But it was I who had what he wants and needs desperately. Perhaps he saw an innocence, a vulnerability, a naiveté about me and he knew I could be conned.
As much as I read and studied narcissism, sociopathy, and any number of disorders, I still could not comprehend why he lied and cheated as he did and why I allowed him to keep coming back for more. Someone told me that normal, healthy people cannot make sense of irrational, impulsive and sometimes delusional behavior because we simply rationalize. People who are disordered and impulsive just do what they do because they can and it benefits themselves in some way. It truly is that simple.
Creating boundaries
There are things I have learned to practice that have allowed me to find closure, take my power back, regain my confidence, which hopefully will keep me from EVER making this mistake again. I don’t need someone else to provide closure to a bad relationship or situation I never did. It was in me all along.
Creating Boundaries: These are mine:
- HONESTY — I ignored my instincts and the facts even when I caught him in lies.
- INTEGRITY — He was not and never will be a man of his word.
- FIDELITY/LOYALTY — The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. (He cheated constantly on his previous wife, on me and on his current wife. I have been told she is wearing the same engagement ring I wore.)
- RESPECT — (The verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the inability to do as he says are ALL encompassing of issues of respect). The bad behavior, spitefulness, drug abuse and allowing all of the above with his adult daughters.
I learned all over again to verbalize my rule of zero tolerance. I didn’t always speak up in the presence of the sociopath because he HAD to be in control and raged or had a tantrum for days.
The closure I seek these days, which I learned as a practice from my therapist, is that when someone is disrespectful, lies or doesn’t treat me well, that I need to close it off with direct communication about what I think and feel and to NOT let them back in again. When I do, I feel like I am in control of my life, my beliefs, and displaying respect for myself (and in an appropriate way). I have truly taken my power back. It is important for me to say, “Don’t contact me again. You are behaving inappropriately. I am not interested in you any longer. I don’t like what you just said to me.” IT IS ok to protect yourself first. I explain this at the risk of sounding juvenile or patronizing but I truly had to relearn these practices, which came so naturally to me previous to the sociopath.
Recognizing my value
All of our lives are eventually a result of the decisions we make. This is particularly true of the sociopath. In fact, I prefer to believe that his life is like a constant panic of desperation to gain what others have, what he needs to see in our reflection to fill the emptiness of his disturbed soul. He can’t fulfill his own fantasies fast enough and so he scrambles daily to find victims to manipulate in order to feel superior.
Listen now — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Recently, this man’s family and new friends found the truth about him on an internet site where he has been exposed as a military impostor and con man. He has known of the exposure for two years after an investigation. He chose not to respond then. He has dishonored those who served and gave of their lives. Other women/people have now come forward and also identified him and his stories. Justice comes in strange ways sometimes. He counted on all of his victims to cower to his intimidations but HE is the coward. Those who continue to live the lie are the cowards. Yet he still has potential to be prosecuted for his crimes. HE IS EXPOSED. I prefer to be on this end simply observing the drama that he is creating with his new followers and family, with no involvement.
At some point I saw more value in what the sociopath had to offer me than in what I had in myself. And I was willing to give myself up to be what he wanted, demanded, expected. The abuse I suffered as a target of a sociopath has taken a toll. To recover, I first had to clear the fog, find myself, and understand my value and importance.
There is a kind of confidence that is exuded when we know who we are and what we want and don’t deviate too much from that. People see it in us and respect it as well. The road is long and this experience with this dysfunctional man will stay with me for a long time. I found myself through recognizing my value and making sure it is respected and appreciated, if not by someone else, by ME. After all, I am the one who has to face me every day.
Learn more — Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 9, 2009.
Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally
I’m going to ‘double down’ and ‘split’ that hand……
And heres one for the dealer too…..cuz I’m certain theres’ an ace hiding in that next card!!!
On the day…the ex broke the ‘camels’ back….
he pushed me down….to the ground, went flying backwards….(ofcourse his version is different, but the judge called him out on it)……
one child witnessed this….(unbenknownst to me they were standing behind me, behind the fridge at bottome of stairs)……
I told him to get out……he wanted to talk….
Came upstairs to kids room and said, come on kids Im going to take you somewhere fun……as he was looking at me…..
I said, NO i’ve made arrangements for the children…..kids were looking at me motioning behind his back….no no mom, we are NOT going with him…..(kids and I had developed the unspoken language and they knew I was taking them to friends)
He said, let’s talk…..I said, NO, there is nothing to talk about….you should have thought about that prior to your being abusive and pushing me down…..FOR THE LAST TIME!
AS COLD AS COULD BE and in earshot of kids (the one who witnessed it)….he states……
I wasn’t abusive…..I never pushed you down…..
If no one saw it, then it obviously never happened!
It ALL became chillingly clear to me right then and there!
Period….
I left with kids……and told him he had 1 hour to get his shit and get out OR i’d call the cops…..
he was gone when I got back!
Erin:
Your relating what happened to you puts so much into perspective – if we don’t do something, it escalates into more hurt and usually violence like you describe. I saw it
with my own stepfather and mother, and wondered how and why my mother had to wait 25 years to ‘get it’ – and only after it turned into physical abuse heaped on the
emotional abuse he’d been dishing out to all of us for years.
I asked recently for my friend to lower his voice, he is always loud and imposing but gets confrontational and much louder each time I challenge him. He always resists
that – like it’s a form of criticism. But that clarity you spoke of has touched me more and more, like you’re finally in the eye of the storm and can get calm enough yourself
to see this thing whirling out of control around you – and you know you must find a way out or become part of it.
This was taken from the below link.
Interesting and straight to the point!!!!
**it was an article referring to the Tiger situation…..but disregard the TW’s reference and get the points the author is trying to make…..
http://firstwivesworld.com/resources/resource-articles/shame-shame-shame%E2%80%A6-who
do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. Use it or lose it. Look, we know! We see the red flags; we just ”want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework. Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!
And fourth and last (for now, anyway): Wanna stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you”shame on who?
nice EB!
Thanks, Erin.
“The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price.”
I had to go back and learn how to ‘read’…..and it was way after it cost me…….loads!!!
ErinBrock: You are so right that “fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything.”
Fantasy is what can keep us believing in a “love connection” that doesn’t really exist when someone lacks empathy, the ability to be fair, reasonable and reciprocal.
As I began understanding more clearly what I was dealing with — a disordered personality — I paid even closer attention to whether my ex-N/S words matched his actions.
He’d say, “I love you,” and I’d respond, “Then why would you have done this or that…” — and he could only come up with stereotypical responses that revealed a lack of depth.
Reality kept colliding with my “hope-filled” fantasies. Acceptance of reality — his consistently negative behaviors, unwillingness to take responsibility for this own life, inability to be authentic, etc. — helped fade the fantasies and break the attachment to him over time as interacting became less appealing, and the promises less fulfilling.
Doing this internal “homework” — ongoing observation and emotional processing as events unfolded — helped me move away from fantasy about what “potential” the relationship had, and forced me to focus on the reality of my life with him — what I really believed versus what he wanted me to believe, how I really felt, and the benefits versus costs of it all.
Becoming more grounded in reality helped me see that I had projected a lot of positive qualities onto someone in ways that gave him more power in my mind than he actually deserved.
As I reflect more on how I became turned off — as a result of the emotional abuse from my previous relationship — I see now that the ongoing conflict between valuing myself and being with someone whose self-centeredness made it impossible for him to value me, or contribute to building a positive relationship, made me draw a line in the sand.
What was real (the need to support and reinforce valuing myself) ultimately won out over fantasy (the potential of my ex to value us). He never could demonstrate consistently that he valued our relationship, compared to the ways in which he devalued the relationship through various controlling, demeaning and confusing behaviors.
This disparate situation could not continue to co-exist without compromising sanity — for me, it became a matter of basic survival and I was forced to make a choice.
The alternative was to deny reality and endure the chaos — the ongoing stress, being part of a situation that did not honor my values — with the potential results being mental, physical and spiritual deterioration.
Just as there is a method to the madness of the N/S — all kinds of ingrained behavioral and character-disordered patterns — there also are ways to increasingly get out of the world of fantasy they attempt to create and enmesh us in to a point of seemingly no escape.
Becoming increasingly grounded in reality, I believe, is what helps us detach more and more to neutralize whatever power we assume the N/S has over us. From there, we can move toward indifference. Over time, this makes it less and less likely we’ll want to engage with them in the same “intense” ways we previously did.
Facilitating this path to freedom involves replacing fantasies with new perspectives that are more balanced so that we can be more at peace with the outcomes of things beyond our control.
As many have previously said at Lovefraud, closure on normal terms — with mutual and genuine understanding and appreciation achieved once we leave the relationship — is also among the fantasies we have to give up with the N/S.
To expect the N/S to somehow come to their senses, show empathy and get real/authentic is unrealistic because — true to their nature as extremely self-centered people — they have far more to gain from us remaining entrapped in the fantasy world where they lived and wanted us to remain.
It’s been said that knowing without doing is like not knowing at all. Knowledge — both of self and others — and the willingness to do the hard emotional work are keys to unlooking the door to enter as new level of freedom for ourselves after our encounter with a N/S.
The world and our lives can begin to look a whole lot different, with renewal of spirit as we integrate the wisdom we’ve gained from these experiences.
It can be humbling and yet lovely.
Persephone7,
If you could distance yourself from him for a good length of time and have total N/C, you would have more clarity.
As long as you are with him and he is spinning his stories, he keeps you IN the story. Because he has something over you right now and he keeps playing that card. The money he owes you.
If you can stop listening to what he says. PERIOD. Don’t hear him. Go deaf when he speaks. Put in ear plugs if you must.
Just look at his actions.
Is the money in your account? Forget his never ending “story” about the money. Is it THERE?
While you are waiting for the money isn’t he also getting into you for more money?
Did he make your holiday more pleasant by doing anything with you or for you? (not by his words but by HIS actions)
What does he contribute in your life that makes him worthwile for you to keep him in your life? And if he were dating your daughter, what would you be saying to her?
Maybe if you could try and look at “facts” when it comes to him…..His actions. And totally disregard what he is saying, maybe you could see this from a different perspective. And with more clarity.
It is so HARD to comprehend all this when we are smack dab in the middle of it. It is so easy for others to see but we can’t see it because we are so involved with all the crazy making and the manipulation.
That fantasy world that they live in really does distort our own sense of reality.
I think the only way out is to embrace reality. Because the less we embrace reality the more we become a product of their distorted worlds.
yesterday when i was talking to someone from a housing help agency, these words popped out of my mout, ‘ yes, let’s set up that appt., as I am ging to be in this situaion for at least three months and I want to bring all the resources into line that I can.”
wow. perspective. not just freaking out. gawd those days off at xmas helped so much.
Now, to get help from the next agency i have to have an eviction notice – and they can only help if they have funds. I havne’t heard back as to whether they have funds (and they are now closed until the 4th). so, i have to not pay my rent and get the eviction notice and I don’t even know if they have funds.
Having to go into arrears to get help is horribly stressful. But I am dealing with a bully landlord, and this is the ONLY way I can get help. it IS a strategy – one that may backfire in the long term. But if I pay the rent I cannot pay my other debts or buy food.
I have decided that I can’t afford to move, even though it is dangerous to my health to live here and that I:
a) have to get a roommate (have spent the last three days making ads on free sites and contacting people looking for rooms);
b) need to engage some help to figure out a plan to deal with the smoke and the bully landlord (neighbour and I are looking into this and I will call free legal aid next week, and have an appt. with an ‘eviction prevention officer’ at a social services agency, and see who i might work with in the media – i think shaming the landlord publicly might be the best tact – but using it to underline the lack of protection under the law for non smokers;
c) I have to remind myself every moment that this is a strategy, and that i am not an awful irresponsible person who isn’t paying her rent….it’s like what the path’s do….have a ‘different’ perspective on what their actions mean. It isn’t a fully worked out strategy unfortunately – and therin lays a problem, but the xmas season has made it hard to connect with peole – so much is shut down.
I am doing better than I was two weeks ago. And today it’s lasted for hours.
Witsend:
I would like to share a conversation my ex and I had, after we broke up in June of this year…mind you, this was after he had sent 7 poems to me, flowers, and emails saying BREAKING UP WITH ME was the worst mistake he had made…
It went somewhere along the lines of…
Me-I dont think you realize how much thinking Ive done these past 2 months.
Him-Baby, you’re gonna make your own decisions, but I can just tell you that Ive been miserable without you.
M-I dont think you understand, (princess). By not talking to you, I feel like I can SEE what was going on…all the lies, games, manipulations.
H-What games? Who have you been talking to? Have you dated anyone (getting angry)…HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING SOMEONE!!!
M-No, I havent seen anyone. I just feel like now that I look back on everything that has happened, I can see when this all began to spiral out of control. Im a healthy person who began to act very unhealthy…and Im not that person.
H-What do you mean? Ive done everything for you and us…I would still do anything for you and us.
The piece you commeneted on about clarity is true. AFter we broke up, for as sad as I was, I felt relieved that I wasnt gonna be expected to do absurd things for him anymore. The trap began though around the 2 month mark of our breakup. Maybe he couldnt find anyone to be his supply in that time and NEEDED to come back. I dont know.
What I do know is that when we got back together, from the moment it began, I was uneasy. It seemed as though I already knew how it was going to turn out, despite the fact that he took me to a concert (one of my favorite things to do), SWORE he was gonna ‘get back’ to the way he treated me our first year together (isnt that strange that he said he was gonna get back to that place…seems to me, he was telling me it was intentional…hmmmmm), and schmoozed me for, oh, about a week.
Im sick to my stomache about this though. There has been no contact as I have blocked him from any form of communication. Still, I have a bad feeling he will try to contact me, as I have a bag full of his stuff. Isnt it strange, after almost 2 months of no contact that he hasnt wanted to get his things?