Editor’s note: This article about the importance of boundaries and belief in herself was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
It has been about a year since my story was posted on Lovefraud, Not one thing about him was real. It has been two years since I broke off the short relationship with this disordered man. It is a year and a half since he stalked me. I hope to share at least some practical points that have helped me in the healing process. It does get better. And it is a process.
I wish I could say that others may be helped PRIOR to involvement with a sociopath, but as we all know, sometimes the inevitable entanglement occurs before we even realize we have been manipulated. This entanglement would have ended much earlier if I had had clear boundaries, zero tolerance for lies and bad behavior, and the will to walk away alone and create my own closure.
There are many events and bizarre experiences with him, his family, his indiscretions, the pathological lies. I now realize that the ONLY purpose to ANYTHING he did was to make himself look good, please himself, hide the truth, devalue others for his own perceived greatness, impress people and get off on his lies and deceptions. He loves that he manipulates people to admire him as the hero, and to come to his defense as the broken victim that he plays so well. He doesn’t want you to realize he IS the stereotypical villain. He was just good at imitating the qualities that are truly admirable like modesty, bravery and dependability. Telling people he was a Navy SEAL hero, working for the NSA, CIA, using aliases, killing terrorists, giving away fake medals, telling stories of being tortured. It’s always about him. And what he calls LOVE is more like an OBSESSION.
He surrounds himself with people who are weak, easily manipulated and vulnerable. They WILL turn their heads to the truth. He wants them to need him. It’s tantamount for HIS very survival. Smart people will question him. Weak people will live the lie, sometimes because they need something from him and sometimes because they are just too weak to admit they have been conned. It’s tantamount for THEIR survival. I know because I was there for a short time. It’s a vicious circle and a world of denial that feeds his sociopathic hunger. In reality, he needs his victims more. He is only as good as the reflection he sees in the eyes of the victim. When I questioned his veracity, I was disloyal. But I was right. I asked good questions (eventually) and he could not keep up the rotting facade of his fabricated life.
Back to basics
I had to get back to basics in order to trust others, myself, my instincts, my intuition, my belief system, religion and all the rules I used to live by. I had to respect myself, gain back my self-esteem and learn to be tolerant but ONLY of those who do not violate my beliefs and boundaries. I also had to learn to stop accepting bad behavior much earlier and stop the self defeating behavior I recognized in myself.
I made lists of those “boundaries” and used them along with real life examples of behaviors that were no longer tolerable. The will to keep those boundaries safe came from the anger I felt after revisiting conversations and events and learning all of the lies. It was painful. I needed to forgive myself, not him, and I decided I would never allow that behavior again EVER.
Read more — Quiz: Are you a target?
I was mind raped. No doubt. I lost an innocence, not unlike being a rape victim. The abuse and exploitation is so ambient at times that you don’t even realize what has happened. It is ridden with intermittent generosity and professions of love while your thoughts, actions and behaviors are so closely controlled through undermining manipulation, guilt and shame. You are in a whirlpool of words and actions that are so inconsistent. And manipulation that has you believing you are wrong, and that everything you learned to date is wrong and that what you are witnessing must be real, while all you know to be right and good has defied you. My intelligence and good rationale failed me. Still I wanted to believe and have hope and faith.
I made lists
It was therapeutic for me to make lists:
- Things he took from me.
- Things I gave up to him.
- Lies he told.
- Red flags I ignored.
- Names he called me.
- Things he did and said to violate me and my children and friends and all the things he did (behaviors) which were inconsistent with the things he said.
I was too manipulated for far too long. NO MORE. Finally I understood that there was nothing of substance there in him to begin with. I thought he had more to offer me than I had to offer myself. But it was I who had what he wants and needs desperately. Perhaps he saw an innocence, a vulnerability, a naiveté about me and he knew I could be conned.
As much as I read and studied narcissism, sociopathy, and any number of disorders, I still could not comprehend why he lied and cheated as he did and why I allowed him to keep coming back for more. Someone told me that normal, healthy people cannot make sense of irrational, impulsive and sometimes delusional behavior because we simply rationalize. People who are disordered and impulsive just do what they do because they can and it benefits themselves in some way. It truly is that simple.
Creating boundaries
There are things I have learned to practice that have allowed me to find closure, take my power back, regain my confidence, which hopefully will keep me from EVER making this mistake again. I don’t need someone else to provide closure to a bad relationship or situation I never did. It was in me all along.
Creating Boundaries: These are mine:
- HONESTY — I ignored my instincts and the facts even when I caught him in lies.
- INTEGRITY — He was not and never will be a man of his word.
- FIDELITY/LOYALTY — The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. (He cheated constantly on his previous wife, on me and on his current wife. I have been told she is wearing the same engagement ring I wore.)
- RESPECT — (The verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the inability to do as he says are ALL encompassing of issues of respect). The bad behavior, spitefulness, drug abuse and allowing all of the above with his adult daughters.
I learned all over again to verbalize my rule of zero tolerance. I didn’t always speak up in the presence of the sociopath because he HAD to be in control and raged or had a tantrum for days.
The closure I seek these days, which I learned as a practice from my therapist, is that when someone is disrespectful, lies or doesn’t treat me well, that I need to close it off with direct communication about what I think and feel and to NOT let them back in again. When I do, I feel like I am in control of my life, my beliefs, and displaying respect for myself (and in an appropriate way). I have truly taken my power back. It is important for me to say, “Don’t contact me again. You are behaving inappropriately. I am not interested in you any longer. I don’t like what you just said to me.” IT IS ok to protect yourself first. I explain this at the risk of sounding juvenile or patronizing but I truly had to relearn these practices, which came so naturally to me previous to the sociopath.
Recognizing my value
All of our lives are eventually a result of the decisions we make. This is particularly true of the sociopath. In fact, I prefer to believe that his life is like a constant panic of desperation to gain what others have, what he needs to see in our reflection to fill the emptiness of his disturbed soul. He can’t fulfill his own fantasies fast enough and so he scrambles daily to find victims to manipulate in order to feel superior.
Listen now — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Recently, this man’s family and new friends found the truth about him on an internet site where he has been exposed as a military impostor and con man. He has known of the exposure for two years after an investigation. He chose not to respond then. He has dishonored those who served and gave of their lives. Other women/people have now come forward and also identified him and his stories. Justice comes in strange ways sometimes. He counted on all of his victims to cower to his intimidations but HE is the coward. Those who continue to live the lie are the cowards. Yet he still has potential to be prosecuted for his crimes. HE IS EXPOSED. I prefer to be on this end simply observing the drama that he is creating with his new followers and family, with no involvement.
At some point I saw more value in what the sociopath had to offer me than in what I had in myself. And I was willing to give myself up to be what he wanted, demanded, expected. The abuse I suffered as a target of a sociopath has taken a toll. To recover, I first had to clear the fog, find myself, and understand my value and importance.
There is a kind of confidence that is exuded when we know who we are and what we want and don’t deviate too much from that. People see it in us and respect it as well. The road is long and this experience with this dysfunctional man will stay with me for a long time. I found myself through recognizing my value and making sure it is respected and appreciated, if not by someone else, by ME. After all, I am the one who has to face me every day.
Learn more — Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 9, 2009.
Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally
My story with my sociopathic exlover/”Friend” has been 27 years in the making! She is 15 years older than I am. She is proof positive that a lepoard never changes her spots. I will post the three times she hurt me in a love relationship because that is where she hurt me. As a friend she wasn’t too coniving so long as we were seperated by the miles. But. She drew me in 3 times. This past time several weeks ago for 2 months I should not have been because I am married. She almost helped me break up my 14 year marriage.
So here is what she did to me 3 different times over 27 years.
1983-
I met “Queenie” at a card game one night at a friends house. She was everything I always wanted in a woman. She had dark hair and the most beautiful blue eyes i ever saw. She was 15 years my senior however but that never mattered to me. Her smile melted me. She was reserved yet sweet. Or at least I thought. Anyway this woman had already had a sorted past when I met her. She had already been married and divorced to 3 different men and lived with another before “Turning Gay” just before I met her. She actually helped me get off the streets of Phoenix and she took me to her home and let me hang out with her. Immediately however she started giving me orders to do things for her. Household chores and outdoor maintenance. I felt like a houseboy. One night she had a friend over and they stayed in her room. They made noises like they were having sex. i was devastated.(I later learned from the friend that they never did anything together. That this was just a game to hurt me). One week later I flew back home to the Midwest with my tail between my legs. I kept Queenies number but heartache Number #1 was etched into my heart.
1993-
It had been ten years. but I remained friends with Queenie via the phone and letters.I had just gotten my second divorce when I picked up the phone and called Queenie to tell her. “I always wondered why you and I never got together?” She said. That was all it took. I missed the desert Southwest anyway and wanted to go back there to live. In the 6 weeks leading up to my return, Queenie had gotten my dreams and hopes up. She sent me pictures of wedding rings sets circled to the ones she liked. This made me think she wanted to marry me if everything worked out. We made small plans for the future. We spent hours on the phone talking romance and love. The day finally came and I flew to Phoenix. She waited for me to get off the plane but instead of the long awaited embrace and kisses I longed for, she seemed distant right off the bat. (And agitated)Again when got to her house I immediately got placed back into the houseboy role. Doing things for her. Everything from body massages to cutting her lawn. Then she persuaded me into going back to school so that I could get the student loan money. I also had to get a job and did so as a unlicened guard. I never saw her except for a few hours in the day and slept next to her at night. There was never the hint of sex. She seemed like an iceberg. I was becoming very depressed and unhappy. She started telling me that I was “Smothering her” How? I was the one being dominated. Finally one evening we made love. She seemed very uncomforable and never relaxed enough to enjoy it. Everything got worse from there. In the weeks ahead she started becoming more secretive. She then told me that her mother was ill in Florida and would I watch her house and dogs for her while she was away? I never once said “no” to this woman. While she was in Florida, the days went by and she hardly called. I missed her and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t calling. I called her after a week and she read me the riot act for calling her. I started getting suspicious. I started looking for letters and found what I didn’t want to see right under her side of the bed. Apparently she had found a new love-a lesbian lover. they had been writing letters to each other as I found several. That last one discussed their plans. Queenie was to fly from her mother’s home in Florida to California to be with this woman. In essence: She flew right over my head in Phoenix! A few days later I got the dreaded call that she had found someone else and that I was to vacate the house on a certain day because she was coming home with her new lover. I was again just devastated. I couldn’t understand how anyone could be so cold and calculating and not feel remorse for it. But she had NONE
.
2009-October.
Leading up to a few months ago, Queenie was just a distant friend. She had done some things for me that just kept me believing she cared about me. After i broke up with her in 1993 it took me 3 years before I started dating again. that was when I finally met the one true love in my life, my wife. Sandy and I dated for only 3 months in 1996 before we flew to Vegas and go married. The next 14 years to now have been pleasant. While we have had our share of problems we have always been close. No one had ever got between us. That is, until Queenie re-entered the picture in October of 2009.
Queenie is now 67 years old. She has maintained a non sexual relationship with a lesbian woman for 14 years now as well. I still remained “friends” with Queenie. She had always given me good advice on certain things. I got sick with bronchitis in November and she sent me a box of meds to help me recuperate. I don’t want to say she never helped me out but she showed just enough to keep the friendship afloat and me interested however remotely.
In November she told me that she thought she was dying. I had no reason to doubt her since she had surgery last year and did NOT quite recover from it as she should have. These feelings started to reappear again after she told me she thought she was going to die. I had to tell her that I still loved her and I always had..just repressed them because I had gone on with me life these past 14 years. I truly didn’t expect anything to happen after I told her. I was after all, married. Well she took my feelings and ran with it! Telling me that she “loved me too!”. Thus starting another long distance emotional affair. We talked of romance and love in emails and the phone. She however the pro that she is-limited herself to telling me she loved exclusively on the phone only. So no paper trail via the computer. I am about to come into several thousand dollars from Dad’s estate and she knew this several months ago. I believe now that she worked me. She never had to ask me for anything.. just SUGGEST certain things like. “I need a new mattress set. “”I need X amount of dollars to bail me out of the financial jam I am in..”” I need an upgrade to my computer..” I just verbally committed myself almost before she got it out of her mouth. True to form of a average Sociopath she began to get bored being snowed in up North where she lives. As the last few weeks went by she started getting more aggressive and more verbally abusive to me on the phone. We had reached a point where we decided we would not be lovers but would be friends. I still worried about her health and wanted her to call me everyday or at least every several days. Come to find out she was lying about her health too. “I am going to be care taking a friend of mine when she has knee surgery”. I asked her what is she doing taking care of someone else if she is supposedly dying? She told me again that I was” smothering” her and then two weeks ago on the phone told me that no she wasn’t going to call me or answer any emails if she didn’t feel like it. I told her then why am I supposed to go up there in a few weeks and do everything for you like put in a garden and spend $2,500 on of my dad’s inheritance on you when you can’t even act like a friend to me? I told her 2 days later in an email that I did the research and found her to have anti social personality disorder(sociopath) and that I never want to hear from her again. To lose my email and my phone number. She answered me in one small sentence:”Yes, and do NOT contact me again.” So that was it. The culmination of 27 years worth of abuse and unhappiness and disapointment. I would have ended it years ago had I known there was no hope for her to change. There just isn’t any hope for these people. They are all too self serving and narcissistic. To think i almost threw away the best wife I could ever have over a slimey, skanky, mentally disturbed woman who, could never be mine. Thank God she got bored too before the estate cleared probate. I have no doubt she has moved onto someone else who has offered her more. That is her M.O. I am thanking God for such a sweet and forgiving wife who saw me through this recent emotional affair. While she has forgiven me I have yet to forgive myself even though the affair was NOT sexual. This sociopath has had my heart and shredded it for 27 years now. I now know that the only way to “get over her” is to stay the Hell away from her. She is poison to me.
Renewed hope – I am sorry you went through so many yrs of pain and disappointment with this woman. They are incredibly manipulative and can make us do anything they want. I hope you are healing from this and through reading more can learn to forgive yourself – you had good intentions in mind while this woman just wanted to fleece you. No contact is definitely the safest route for all of us here.
Yes after all this time of not knowing who or what I was dealing with-I now know she is a dyed in the wool sociopath! There will never be any hope for her since she had no feelings of love or empathy. In fact. I am reminded one time during the 93 episode when i was laying next to her in bed with my back turned to her and half asleep I heard her whisper the words ,”I Hate You!” under her breath. Not knowing for sure she was awake or asleep. But her voice didn’t sound like she was asleep. A few months ago I brought up that time and she acted as if I was talking about someone else! As if she never said it!
Believe me right now I am counting my lucky stars that she is out of my life!
I am new on this site. I was involved with a sociopath for a year, 6 months the first time, broken up for 3 months, and then foolishly back together for another 6. He’s 39, although he lies about his age on all his dating/social networking sites, and hasn’t been able to keep a job, having been fired from his last job. After grad school at age 33, he was homeless and was a “squatter” for a while. His girlfriend at the time gave him money every day. This man is the most phenomenal liar I have ever met. He’s extremely outgoing, charming and well-educated. To attempt to make a long story short, he had me believing that I was in a real relationship, yet he was lying and cheating horribly. When I finally found out from his computer emails, I could not believe the extent this man goes to lie, and how good he is at it. From all the information on his computer, I could see all the times he called me and told me he was somewhere, when he was actually with someone else. He was actually telling one woman that he loved her, and yet he was cheating on her too, with me and all the others! He would be taunting me without me even realizing it. When we first broke up, he called me a week later and told me had had made a terrible mistake and that he couldn’t give something like this up. A week later, I found out the whole thing was a big lie, and I just couldn’t believe it. He knew I was devastated when we broke up, and yet he still called me to tell me had made a terrible mistake, knowing he was lying and cheating. We then broke up for 3 months. We got back together and he talked about wanting to do “something different” than what we had done the first time. He said he wanted to build trust. He told me that he wasn’t interested in any other woman. I gave him a book to read, that I also read. Throughout the book, the author stresses that partners need to “feel safe” with their partners. So, one night, he calls me and says that we should take the weekend to really think about what we need from one another. I was confused an didn’t understand why we needed to take the weekend apart. It was a Friday night and he said he was going to a party and I wasn’t invited. I was upset about it and he said that he was telling me we needed to think seriously about what it is we need from one another and he said that he was telling me because he wanted me to “feel safe” with him, using the exact language from the book. He showed up at my house at 2am that evening, drunk, and fell asleep. I found text messages to two women inviting them to this party. While he slept, I called and left messages for both women inviting them to call me if they were inclined. Now, one of the women, he had programmed into his contacts as “dad.” I remember that when he was wanting me to trust him more, he would show me he was getting a phone call and it said “dad.” He would say, “See? It’s my father.” He wouldn’t answer the call in my presence and he would say that he was talking to his “dad” a lot lately since he was trying to process their troubled relationship. What a liar! It was this other woman. Anyway, I woke him up and told him what I found and he grabbed the phone away from me> I told him to leave at least 8 times and he swore at me. I was sobbing and do you know what he did? He fell asleep and was snoring in no time. I called the police and had him get a cab a go home. In the morning, both women called me and I found out just what a disturbed liar he is. I also had the occasion to speak with a male friend who had known him for 12 years and he said that my ex was always a shameless womanizer. My ex denied this and insists that he has been faithful with women. He told me he learned his lesson and was going to therapy and wouldn’t be dating for a long time. He wanted me to still hang out with him, and insisted he wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone else, since he had a lot of “work” to do on himself. Now, as an aside, the first time we broke up he said the same thing and he admitted when we got back together that it was a lie and he never went. Anyway, I have found out that he never went to therapy this time either and he met someone else shortly after we broke up–so much for not dating and working on himself– and he even spent the holidays with her family. Her family is fairly well-off and her father is a doctor. I am devastated because he even got off the site he was using to cheat on me. This guy’s behavior has been so pathological, and I am devastated thinking that he is really changed with her. Intellectually, I know this isn’t possible, but I am still devastated and filled with anxiety. He is such a parasite. I can see him latching on to someone with a well-off family, when he decides he wants to be taken care of. Can someone offer words of advice? I am so fixated on this other relationship he is having and the thought he is a “different person” with her. 🙁
Sounds like your relationship with your ex was the same as mine. WE were the only ones taking part in the relationship! They just kept us interested enough to use us. I know you are like me and that you still feel “Love” and a Tie to a unrequited love. But remember please! They can’t feel love! They don’t have any empathy. But most importantly, they don’t respect us at all otherwise they wouldn’t do what they did to us. They will do it to you 1000 times if you let them! My advice to you is the same that I am taking: Carry on with your life and try to forget this leech! You deserve alot better!
Renewed Hope,
Thanks for your kind comment. Yes. I was the only one doing the work, but he was good at making me feel like he was really in it and really trying. I just thought he was a man with some intimacy issues. I’m telling you, this man is phenomenal liar. I don’t know why it is important for me to hear that he isn’t going to be “different” with this woman, but it IS, and that is, unfortunately, where I’m at. I really feel traumatized.
A person of whom we can FIX!
Take this into the future………
RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG
Hopeful…..don’t worry or judge yourself about what/where/when…..we all seem to need some answers of sorts…..or clarity ……because there seems to be as many answers as months/years we were with the S.
Some things we can figure out/ or put together…..some we may never know and must accept as ‘is’.
DAD? Oh….good one!
What a sleeze!
Erin Brock,
I know—“dad” — He’s clever, isn’t he? And here I am worried about a guy like that being able to change.
Red Flags. According to Dr. Carver
http://www.loserrx.com/flags/
Were you the ’love of their life’, their ’soulmate’ or new best friend within weeks?
Were they initially charming, saying all the right things, “mirroring” your hopes, desires, and feelings?
Are they jealous and possessive?
Do they have few friends or long-term relationships?
Multiple failed relationships?
Do they badmouth their ex or other friends?
Do they tell lies, big and small?
Does the relationship veer from hot to cold? Do they “Jekyll and Hyde”?
Do they have an unstable work history, frequent unemployment or
job changes?
Do you find yourself “covering” for them, making them appear better than they really are?
Do they have constant financial problems?
Are people mad at them because they don’t honor their debts?
Do they have a lack of realistic goals? A history of living off others?
Are they comfortable taking money from you?
Have they ever used your credit cards without your knowledge?
Do they make you feel guilty about your outside interests, time spent with friends or family?
Do they make you feel you’re not good enough, that you’re lucky to
have them?
Have they ever humiliated you in public?
Do they withdraw love, friendship or approval as punishment?
Do they have a bad temper triggered by something seemingly insignificant? Do you often not even know what set them off?
Do they always shift blame onto you? Is whatever’s wrong always your fault?
After raging, do they act like nothing at all has happened?
Do you ever feel “smothered” by them?
Do they ever threaten, hit or shove you, punch walls, break your things or call you names?
Are they always on the “outs” with someone?
Do they pressure you to quit or change jobs/friends/relationships/homes?
Do they have problems with authority figures?
Stalked anyone for any reason whatsoever?
Have they had Restraining Orders?
Is your self-esteem eroding?
Do you sometimes feel you’re the crazy one?
Is the relationship affecting other aspects of your life?
Do you have a gut, “sick” sense that things just aren’t right?
Do you sometimes wish it would just all “go away”?