Editor’s note: This article about the importance of boundaries and belief in herself was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
It has been about a year since my story was posted on Lovefraud, Not one thing about him was real. It has been two years since I broke off the short relationship with this disordered man. It is a year and a half since he stalked me. I hope to share at least some practical points that have helped me in the healing process. It does get better. And it is a process.
I wish I could say that others may be helped PRIOR to involvement with a sociopath, but as we all know, sometimes the inevitable entanglement occurs before we even realize we have been manipulated. This entanglement would have ended much earlier if I had had clear boundaries, zero tolerance for lies and bad behavior, and the will to walk away alone and create my own closure.
There are many events and bizarre experiences with him, his family, his indiscretions, the pathological lies. I now realize that the ONLY purpose to ANYTHING he did was to make himself look good, please himself, hide the truth, devalue others for his own perceived greatness, impress people and get off on his lies and deceptions. He loves that he manipulates people to admire him as the hero, and to come to his defense as the broken victim that he plays so well. He doesn’t want you to realize he IS the stereotypical villain. He was just good at imitating the qualities that are truly admirable like modesty, bravery and dependability. Telling people he was a Navy SEAL hero, working for the NSA, CIA, using aliases, killing terrorists, giving away fake medals, telling stories of being tortured. It’s always about him. And what he calls LOVE is more like an OBSESSION.
He surrounds himself with people who are weak, easily manipulated and vulnerable. They WILL turn their heads to the truth. He wants them to need him. It’s tantamount for HIS very survival. Smart people will question him. Weak people will live the lie, sometimes because they need something from him and sometimes because they are just too weak to admit they have been conned. It’s tantamount for THEIR survival. I know because I was there for a short time. It’s a vicious circle and a world of denial that feeds his sociopathic hunger. In reality, he needs his victims more. He is only as good as the reflection he sees in the eyes of the victim. When I questioned his veracity, I was disloyal. But I was right. I asked good questions (eventually) and he could not keep up the rotting facade of his fabricated life.
Back to basics
I had to get back to basics in order to trust others, myself, my instincts, my intuition, my belief system, religion and all the rules I used to live by. I had to respect myself, gain back my self-esteem and learn to be tolerant but ONLY of those who do not violate my beliefs and boundaries. I also had to learn to stop accepting bad behavior much earlier and stop the self defeating behavior I recognized in myself.
I made lists of those “boundaries” and used them along with real life examples of behaviors that were no longer tolerable. The will to keep those boundaries safe came from the anger I felt after revisiting conversations and events and learning all of the lies. It was painful. I needed to forgive myself, not him, and I decided I would never allow that behavior again EVER.
Read more — Quiz: Are you a target?
I was mind raped. No doubt. I lost an innocence, not unlike being a rape victim. The abuse and exploitation is so ambient at times that you don’t even realize what has happened. It is ridden with intermittent generosity and professions of love while your thoughts, actions and behaviors are so closely controlled through undermining manipulation, guilt and shame. You are in a whirlpool of words and actions that are so inconsistent. And manipulation that has you believing you are wrong, and that everything you learned to date is wrong and that what you are witnessing must be real, while all you know to be right and good has defied you. My intelligence and good rationale failed me. Still I wanted to believe and have hope and faith.
I made lists
It was therapeutic for me to make lists:
- Things he took from me.
- Things I gave up to him.
- Lies he told.
- Red flags I ignored.
- Names he called me.
- Things he did and said to violate me and my children and friends and all the things he did (behaviors) which were inconsistent with the things he said.
I was too manipulated for far too long. NO MORE. Finally I understood that there was nothing of substance there in him to begin with. I thought he had more to offer me than I had to offer myself. But it was I who had what he wants and needs desperately. Perhaps he saw an innocence, a vulnerability, a naiveté about me and he knew I could be conned.
As much as I read and studied narcissism, sociopathy, and any number of disorders, I still could not comprehend why he lied and cheated as he did and why I allowed him to keep coming back for more. Someone told me that normal, healthy people cannot make sense of irrational, impulsive and sometimes delusional behavior because we simply rationalize. People who are disordered and impulsive just do what they do because they can and it benefits themselves in some way. It truly is that simple.
Creating boundaries
There are things I have learned to practice that have allowed me to find closure, take my power back, regain my confidence, which hopefully will keep me from EVER making this mistake again. I don’t need someone else to provide closure to a bad relationship or situation I never did. It was in me all along.
Creating Boundaries: These are mine:
- HONESTY — I ignored my instincts and the facts even when I caught him in lies.
- INTEGRITY — He was not and never will be a man of his word.
- FIDELITY/LOYALTY — The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. (He cheated constantly on his previous wife, on me and on his current wife. I have been told she is wearing the same engagement ring I wore.)
- RESPECT — (The verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the inability to do as he says are ALL encompassing of issues of respect). The bad behavior, spitefulness, drug abuse and allowing all of the above with his adult daughters.
I learned all over again to verbalize my rule of zero tolerance. I didn’t always speak up in the presence of the sociopath because he HAD to be in control and raged or had a tantrum for days.
The closure I seek these days, which I learned as a practice from my therapist, is that when someone is disrespectful, lies or doesn’t treat me well, that I need to close it off with direct communication about what I think and feel and to NOT let them back in again. When I do, I feel like I am in control of my life, my beliefs, and displaying respect for myself (and in an appropriate way). I have truly taken my power back. It is important for me to say, “Don’t contact me again. You are behaving inappropriately. I am not interested in you any longer. I don’t like what you just said to me.” IT IS ok to protect yourself first. I explain this at the risk of sounding juvenile or patronizing but I truly had to relearn these practices, which came so naturally to me previous to the sociopath.
Recognizing my value
All of our lives are eventually a result of the decisions we make. This is particularly true of the sociopath. In fact, I prefer to believe that his life is like a constant panic of desperation to gain what others have, what he needs to see in our reflection to fill the emptiness of his disturbed soul. He can’t fulfill his own fantasies fast enough and so he scrambles daily to find victims to manipulate in order to feel superior.
Listen now — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Recently, this man’s family and new friends found the truth about him on an internet site where he has been exposed as a military impostor and con man. He has known of the exposure for two years after an investigation. He chose not to respond then. He has dishonored those who served and gave of their lives. Other women/people have now come forward and also identified him and his stories. Justice comes in strange ways sometimes. He counted on all of his victims to cower to his intimidations but HE is the coward. Those who continue to live the lie are the cowards. Yet he still has potential to be prosecuted for his crimes. HE IS EXPOSED. I prefer to be on this end simply observing the drama that he is creating with his new followers and family, with no involvement.
At some point I saw more value in what the sociopath had to offer me than in what I had in myself. And I was willing to give myself up to be what he wanted, demanded, expected. The abuse I suffered as a target of a sociopath has taken a toll. To recover, I first had to clear the fog, find myself, and understand my value and importance.
There is a kind of confidence that is exuded when we know who we are and what we want and don’t deviate too much from that. People see it in us and respect it as well. The road is long and this experience with this dysfunctional man will stay with me for a long time. I found myself through recognizing my value and making sure it is respected and appreciated, if not by someone else, by ME. After all, I am the one who has to face me every day.
Learn more — Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 9, 2009.
Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally
Becoming,
Yeah, it takes awhile. I still do a bit of over-reacting when sticking up for myself, or setting boundaries. It is a practice thing. Total congratulations to you for doing the practice, and going after what you wanted (to be helped).
It may sound weird but I didn’t ‘practice’ these skills (in part) because of my need to be perceived as always doing things ‘right’, and I watched myself not being very good at this, and it made me feel like a dope.
Now, I don’t care, so much, how I look. Now I want to love myself, however awkwardly I may look doing it.
banana:
I’m not sure what state you are in. I have this vague recollection of New York. There was a case that jumped out at me this past year.
An appeals court affirmed a Family Court determination that an upstate woman be allowed to move to Florida with her 12-year-old daughter over the objections of the girl’s father, even though the appeals judges conceded the father demonstrated “unquestionable fitness” as a parent.
An Appellate Division, Third Department, panel ruled unanimously that Broome County Family Court Judge Peter P. Charnetsky properly exercised his discretion in the custody and visitation case, including weighing statements by Tami R. Winston’s daughter that she would prefer to move away from New York with her mother.
“Notwithstanding the existence of evidence demonstrating that the father is a good parent, we conclude that a preponderance of the evidence exists to support Family Court’s determination that relocation of the child with the mother was in the child’s best interest,” Justice Leslie E. Stein wrote for the panel in Winston v. Gates, 504284.
In 2007 Ms. Winston petitioned Family Court seeking to change the terms of the 2002 order of custody in which both she and Dennis L. Gates, (father who she never married), received joint legal custody of their daughter. The mother was the primary caregiver under the arrangement. Ms. Winston was subsequently diagnosed with a degenerative disc disease that forced her to stop working and to need help caring for her daughter.
Facing the exhaustion of her resources in New York, she asked Family Court for approval to move with her daughter to Florida, where her parents offered Ms. Winston free room and board and parenting help. She had only a boyfriend and a few relatives to depend on in Broome County.
Mr. Gates countered by seeking primary custody. He argued that he and his current wife could provide his daughter with a stable living arrangement in New York without the disruption of the move to Florida.
Judge Charnetsky ruled that the girl’s primary residence should continue to be with her mother and that the father should get what the Third Department called “extensive” visitation rights of six weeks during the summer, one week at Christmas and one week during spring break. The judge required Ms. Winston to provide transportation for two of those visits as well as a cell phone to allow her daughter to have frequent direct conversations with Mr. Gates.
According to the appeals panel, both parents were “active participants” in raising their child and both had developed a strong relationship with her. The court still found that the stronger bond had been developed between the mother and daughter.
As far as the father was concerned, the panel noted that he
had remarried and that his daughter would have had to share a room with another child had he been granted legal custody of the girl. Having as many as four other children to look after in New York, Mr. Gates would be left with “limited time” to spend exclusively with his daughter, the court decided.
ONe thing you have to be aware of banana, is that while relocation cases are the flavor of the month in domestic relations, you still have to present a compelling reason why it is in your child’s best interests for you to relocate. Among those reasons would be that you can only find a job in your new location. I note that even then, if the courts grant that, you would still be on the hook for at least 1/2 of your child’s transportation costs back and forth to visit his father, no matter what your income is compared to his.
“…and the will to walk away alone and create my own closure.”
This is such a powerful and true statement. So often, I see people on this site craving “closure”. If they could just have one more conversation with S to find out “why”. If they could just sit down face-to- face with S. ETc, etc, etc.
The problem with that logic is that you are making closure dependent on S. And the problem with closure is that it is circular in that it works like this — you dump all your anger and crap all over S. S then is going to demand reciprocal closure and he dumps his anger and crap all over you. Now you’re mad and dump all over S again. Etc., etc., etc.
I think it is helpful for those seeking closure to view it in the same context as forgivenessd. Forgiveness isn’t about you forgiving the other person. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself so that you can move forward with your life.
So, the author has it right — she walked away to create her own closure. View it another way — when we preach NC on this site, that is your way to walk away — and give yourself closure.
Donna and all of you survivors: Bad day for me today.
My s/p who kept his my space girls even after we were married really has mind raped me, what a term, but that’s the damage he has done. Today I went to the lab to get lab work to make sure I dont have any STD’s….he continues to humiliate me even while gone…on pins and needles waiting on final divorce decree. It will be some closure, but not all closer…I hear zero tolerance loud and clear, I hear boundaries loud and clear…sad part it is NOW…and wasn’t THEN. So sad today, so hurt and embarrassed.
Somedays I am together and strong and unmoveble, but today the testing, the lab work just devastated me. Thank you Donna for reminding me of important things like you spoke about and about going on.
Dear Clovis50,
Good for you for taking care of yourself by going for testing, and for doing what you have done to get ‘here and now.’
best,
one step
Folks,
I’m glad you liked the article at the beginning of this post, but I can’t take credit for it. The article was submitted by a reader who wanted to remain anonymous.
Der Clovis,
I’m so sorry about your humiliation and pain, but like “one step” so nicely put it, you are HERE NOW! (((HUGS))) AND MY PARYAER FOR YOU!!!
Thank you everyone for being so kind in your remarks. It means so much to me
banana and others, your point about no closure with them because the N/S don’t want it — they want to keep us on the radar just “IN CASE.”
About 6 months into dating, the guy I dated for 1.5 yrs. on and off began to “touch base” periodically with two ex GF’s — or they with him — even though he said they’d had negative endings with. I guess when they see us wising up, not as enamored after a while and setting firmer boundaries/expectations, it’s like they rebel (like adolescents, not grown-ups who understand there are limits). The N/S then try to imply the women are coming on to them, attempting to create drama through triangulations. They want us to think they always have these options — even if their exes are in other relationships — even as they try to limit our choices/options. Double-standards and deceitful!
Really strange when you think about it — IT’S AS IF TIME STANDS STILL FOR THEM, as if other people don’t change and move on with their lives or have relationships with new people, or as if the N/S believe it’s so easy to just pick back up where they left off after being away from someone for months and years.
I rarely if ever talk with most of my long-gone exes, not because of bad feelings, but because there is no real point; why complicate things — especially if I’m in a budding new relationship. With the exes I do talk to more often (my son’s father and one guy who transitioned into being a very good male friend) — I don’t even think about sex with them or reconnecting simply because we/our lives are different and there usually isn’t much left to rekindle after having “been there, done that.”
THESE N/S PEOPLE TRULY ARE CASES OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.
recovering:
My S-ex did the same thing. I now see that he got off keeping me in play with his exes. I call what they do with their exes “garaging.” The keep them in the garage until its in their best interests to take the ex out for a spin and drive you crazy.
I got rid of S over a year ago. Six months ago I started dating a great guy. Occasionally, one of us may reference an ex — but it’s in passing. At this stage of our lives, we’ve all got baggage. My only care is whether the baggage is organized in the baggage compartment. Anybody who pretends they don’t have a past has their own issues which I don’t want to deal with. A healthy perspective on your past, acknowledging it when necessary, but leaving it in the past, is the sign of a healthy individual.