Editor’s note: This article about the importance of boundaries and belief in herself was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
It has been about a year since my story was posted on Lovefraud, Not one thing about him was real. It has been two years since I broke off the short relationship with this disordered man. It is a year and a half since he stalked me. I hope to share at least some practical points that have helped me in the healing process. It does get better. And it is a process.
I wish I could say that others may be helped PRIOR to involvement with a sociopath, but as we all know, sometimes the inevitable entanglement occurs before we even realize we have been manipulated. This entanglement would have ended much earlier if I had had clear boundaries, zero tolerance for lies and bad behavior, and the will to walk away alone and create my own closure.
There are many events and bizarre experiences with him, his family, his indiscretions, the pathological lies. I now realize that the ONLY purpose to ANYTHING he did was to make himself look good, please himself, hide the truth, devalue others for his own perceived greatness, impress people and get off on his lies and deceptions. He loves that he manipulates people to admire him as the hero, and to come to his defense as the broken victim that he plays so well. He doesn’t want you to realize he IS the stereotypical villain. He was just good at imitating the qualities that are truly admirable like modesty, bravery and dependability. Telling people he was a Navy SEAL hero, working for the NSA, CIA, using aliases, killing terrorists, giving away fake medals, telling stories of being tortured. It’s always about him. And what he calls LOVE is more like an OBSESSION.
He surrounds himself with people who are weak, easily manipulated and vulnerable. They WILL turn their heads to the truth. He wants them to need him. It’s tantamount for HIS very survival. Smart people will question him. Weak people will live the lie, sometimes because they need something from him and sometimes because they are just too weak to admit they have been conned. It’s tantamount for THEIR survival. I know because I was there for a short time. It’s a vicious circle and a world of denial that feeds his sociopathic hunger. In reality, he needs his victims more. He is only as good as the reflection he sees in the eyes of the victim. When I questioned his veracity, I was disloyal. But I was right. I asked good questions (eventually) and he could not keep up the rotting facade of his fabricated life.
Back to basics
I had to get back to basics in order to trust others, myself, my instincts, my intuition, my belief system, religion and all the rules I used to live by. I had to respect myself, gain back my self-esteem and learn to be tolerant but ONLY of those who do not violate my beliefs and boundaries. I also had to learn to stop accepting bad behavior much earlier and stop the self defeating behavior I recognized in myself.
I made lists of those “boundaries” and used them along with real life examples of behaviors that were no longer tolerable. The will to keep those boundaries safe came from the anger I felt after revisiting conversations and events and learning all of the lies. It was painful. I needed to forgive myself, not him, and I decided I would never allow that behavior again EVER.
Read more — Quiz: Are you a target?
I was mind raped. No doubt. I lost an innocence, not unlike being a rape victim. The abuse and exploitation is so ambient at times that you don’t even realize what has happened. It is ridden with intermittent generosity and professions of love while your thoughts, actions and behaviors are so closely controlled through undermining manipulation, guilt and shame. You are in a whirlpool of words and actions that are so inconsistent. And manipulation that has you believing you are wrong, and that everything you learned to date is wrong and that what you are witnessing must be real, while all you know to be right and good has defied you. My intelligence and good rationale failed me. Still I wanted to believe and have hope and faith.
I made lists
It was therapeutic for me to make lists:
- Things he took from me.
- Things I gave up to him.
- Lies he told.
- Red flags I ignored.
- Names he called me.
- Things he did and said to violate me and my children and friends and all the things he did (behaviors) which were inconsistent with the things he said.
I was too manipulated for far too long. NO MORE. Finally I understood that there was nothing of substance there in him to begin with. I thought he had more to offer me than I had to offer myself. But it was I who had what he wants and needs desperately. Perhaps he saw an innocence, a vulnerability, a naiveté about me and he knew I could be conned.
As much as I read and studied narcissism, sociopathy, and any number of disorders, I still could not comprehend why he lied and cheated as he did and why I allowed him to keep coming back for more. Someone told me that normal, healthy people cannot make sense of irrational, impulsive and sometimes delusional behavior because we simply rationalize. People who are disordered and impulsive just do what they do because they can and it benefits themselves in some way. It truly is that simple.
Creating boundaries
There are things I have learned to practice that have allowed me to find closure, take my power back, regain my confidence, which hopefully will keep me from EVER making this mistake again. I don’t need someone else to provide closure to a bad relationship or situation I never did. It was in me all along.
Creating Boundaries: These are mine:
- HONESTY — I ignored my instincts and the facts even when I caught him in lies.
- INTEGRITY — He was not and never will be a man of his word.
- FIDELITY/LOYALTY — The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. (He cheated constantly on his previous wife, on me and on his current wife. I have been told she is wearing the same engagement ring I wore.)
- RESPECT — (The verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the inability to do as he says are ALL encompassing of issues of respect). The bad behavior, spitefulness, drug abuse and allowing all of the above with his adult daughters.
I learned all over again to verbalize my rule of zero tolerance. I didn’t always speak up in the presence of the sociopath because he HAD to be in control and raged or had a tantrum for days.
The closure I seek these days, which I learned as a practice from my therapist, is that when someone is disrespectful, lies or doesn’t treat me well, that I need to close it off with direct communication about what I think and feel and to NOT let them back in again. When I do, I feel like I am in control of my life, my beliefs, and displaying respect for myself (and in an appropriate way). I have truly taken my power back. It is important for me to say, “Don’t contact me again. You are behaving inappropriately. I am not interested in you any longer. I don’t like what you just said to me.” IT IS ok to protect yourself first. I explain this at the risk of sounding juvenile or patronizing but I truly had to relearn these practices, which came so naturally to me previous to the sociopath.
Recognizing my value
All of our lives are eventually a result of the decisions we make. This is particularly true of the sociopath. In fact, I prefer to believe that his life is like a constant panic of desperation to gain what others have, what he needs to see in our reflection to fill the emptiness of his disturbed soul. He can’t fulfill his own fantasies fast enough and so he scrambles daily to find victims to manipulate in order to feel superior.
Listen now — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Recently, this man’s family and new friends found the truth about him on an internet site where he has been exposed as a military impostor and con man. He has known of the exposure for two years after an investigation. He chose not to respond then. He has dishonored those who served and gave of their lives. Other women/people have now come forward and also identified him and his stories. Justice comes in strange ways sometimes. He counted on all of his victims to cower to his intimidations but HE is the coward. Those who continue to live the lie are the cowards. Yet he still has potential to be prosecuted for his crimes. HE IS EXPOSED. I prefer to be on this end simply observing the drama that he is creating with his new followers and family, with no involvement.
At some point I saw more value in what the sociopath had to offer me than in what I had in myself. And I was willing to give myself up to be what he wanted, demanded, expected. The abuse I suffered as a target of a sociopath has taken a toll. To recover, I first had to clear the fog, find myself, and understand my value and importance.
There is a kind of confidence that is exuded when we know who we are and what we want and don’t deviate too much from that. People see it in us and respect it as well. The road is long and this experience with this dysfunctional man will stay with me for a long time. I found myself through recognizing my value and making sure it is respected and appreciated, if not by someone else, by ME. After all, I am the one who has to face me every day.
Learn more — Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Dec. 9, 2009.
Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally
Dear Cat,
You are right, “freedom” doesn’t come FREE even when we are freeing ourselves from TOXIC people.
On another blog I was telling about what my egg donor was doing and how she had devalued me, discarded me (this was when she still had the psychopaths bowing and scrapeing to her and I had tried to set boundaries to take care of myself because I was overwhelmed with all the things I needed to do for my business interested that I had neglected and was losing money daily as a result. When I set the boundary that I wouldn’t just drop whatever I was doing even if the “house was on fire” and take her when and where she wanted to go.
She said “Well! what if I WANT TO GO THEN?” and I responded “Well hire someone to drive you if your errand is not an emergecy but you dont’ want to wait.” I wish you could ahve seen the FIRE that came out of her eyes, and she was fried.
Then when I found out about her “live in caregiver’s criminal record” (pedophilia and robbery) and tried to tell her, she would no longer listen to me.
That was when I left the farm and went into hiding. Still lthinking that it wasn’t “forever” NC—still couldn’t imagine that she would ever or could ever be OUT of my life TOTALLY, but she is and I am so glad. She doesn’t make calls here and rarely I have to e mail her about farm business, don’t send her birthday or christmas cards or presents, and just consider her as if she doesn’t exist.
Someone asked me the other day about how will I feel if she died and we didn’t have a chance to “make up”—just like I do now, because there is NO chance now that we can make up and have contact again. Whether she is a P or not, I still don’t know, but I DO KNOW she is TOXIC to me, she is a liar (though she claims to be so HOLY, she is unforgiving and holds grudges for DECADEs, her anger turns to wrath, and she seeks retrobution on anyone who crosses her)—-in fact, now that I think about it,. she actually went NC with her own MIL (who was a grouchy old woman) and the last ten years of the weman’s life never visited her once or invited her to her house. LOL I had not thought about that in years. LOL Never spoke to the woman on the phone even, or sent a birthday card or a Christmas card. Just acted as if she didn’t exist.
Well, gotta get off here and get into the car and make my trip to town! See you guys later.
Hi all:
I would like to share portions of my story in an attempt at continuing with the closure Ive started as this seems to be never ending.
I met my sociopathic ex boyfriend on a blind date. The first night we met, I remember saying outloud to him “there has to be something up with you” because he was SOOOOOOOO schmoozy. I felt a hesitation, to say the least, although after an elaborate explanation over ‘who he is’, it subsided and I became intrigued with such a ‘deep and caring’ person. How lucky was I!
Well, the relationship went very well for about the first year and a half although not without PLENTY of red flags I ignored in an attempt to ‘give the benefit of the doubt” (he told me he had another child 4 months into our relationship, who hes never seen and blamed it on his childs mother).
We continued our relationship with minor difficulties until February of 2007. We had gotten into an arguement (over what I dont know) which led us to not speak for a week. Well, during this week of no communication, he had ‘coincidentally’ went to the gym with his ex (the one he could never FULLY let go of). His excuse was typical…we werent talking, she emailed him out of the blue and they saw each other, he realized he wanted nothign to do with her and wants to be with me. This was heartbreaking to me, although, I didnt want to end the relationship and we ‘worked it out’.
Again, things ran smoothy until August of 2008 when we got pulled over in WI while on my family vacation. We were speeding and after the cop took the information, my ex became VERY nervous asking why the cop was taking so long. I reassured him that we were out of town and that may have been the reason. It wasnt. There was a warrant for my boyfriends arrest in Missouri. I defended my boyfriend adamently, telling the cop it was a mistake, hes never been to MO, yada yada yada. My boyfriend gets arrested anyway (remember, we are on my FAMILY vacation) and at the police station I find out he forged checks and got a DUI 9 years ago while on a drug/partying excursion with an old girlfriend.
I called my ma to tell her what was going on, and we bailed him out (remember, he had been quite the prince charming in all our eyes). He was given emotional support by all my family and sucked every ounce of it up, knowing he was playing a sneaky, ignorant game with us all.
Ok…so that mess began to get ‘delt’ with and things were on their way to being good for him. In March of 2009, he casually asks me if Id be interested in co-signing a motorcycle for him (did I mention hes 35? oh, ok). Well, I casually declined the question. This was fine with him because he had an alterior motive already in place. He told me that if I wasnt interested in co-signing, then maybe Id be interested in BUYING IT FOR HIM and HED MAKE PAYMENTS TO ME OVER SIX MONTHS and Id make out on the deal cause, well, if we broke up I could sell the bike for MORE than its worth! What a god damn jack ass! Needless to say, I declined that offer as well.
This is where I REALLY messed up (said with sarcasim, people)! He decided I had ‘devistated him’ because ‘it would be nothing for me to buy this for him’ after ‘all hes done for me and the sacrifices hes made for me’. I apologized and stood by my word…I said NO. He decided he didnt want to see me that weekend then…so we didnt. Interestingly, though, while on his ‘way to the movies with my dad’, he got pulled over-AGAIN. His story is that he was just sitting at a stop light minding his own business and the cop came over 3 lanes to randomly pull him over. In any case, he got arrested for driving on a revoked license (remember beign pulled over in WI? They had apparently revoked his license…ahhhhhhh) and got his car taken that night and went to jail.
For the next 3 months, I drove to pick he and his son up on weekends, brought them back to my house, drove all weekend long doing ‘errands’ or anything else and then drove them back home. He didnt understand why this was getting irritating to me stating ‘we are in a relationship and these are things you do for those you love’. Needless to say, I complained enough and told him ‘no’ enough times and he broke up with me…again stating ‘he would do anything for me and wasnt gonna be in a relationship with someone who wasnt willing to put forth any effort”.
Ahhhhh…this is just the beginning of the story! There was a whole sexual intimidation side to him as well that has always confused me. He could NEVER seem to get enough and if EVER told ‘no’, I had to deal with quite the wrath. I have never dated anyone who I felt looked at me as the sole object of their sexual gratification. He would use the old silent treatment on me for days when told ‘no’ and didnt understand how he looked at me…like when he would walk through my front door, as if he’d been planning our sexual encounter for the past 3 hours. It was horrible!
Thanks for listening and Id LOVE feedback…cause Ive got PLENTY more to tell.
After reading this letter, I wonderered whether or not we dated teh same person. I later found out that he wasnt honest about his name!
I found this validating and helpful, as I am still struggling to put up boundaries. I find it even more challenging to try to set boundaries with family members. I have been trying to sort out the difference between real guilt and false guilt.
Thanks for sharing!
Robxsykobabe:
Welcome and thanks for sharing your all too familiar story!
I read these posts thinking at some point I will come across the ex’s ‘next’ on here…..
Your description of the schmoozy was like…..OMG…..this woman has been with the S! Here she is!
All of our S’s resonate the same shit, as if they are paving the way for others to follow!
The lies, the cons, the suck in of families and love……
It’s all so pathetic.
Normal healthy persons give of themselves for love and affection, companionship and to ‘build lives together’……Cluster B’s take, take, take and NOTHING they say is truth…..and upon our ‘waking up’ and smelling the ‘duck fat’….burning in our homes……its’ shocking we have come across someone so callous.
Youv’e come to the right place, you’ll learn about how they keep us ‘off balance’ in order to get what they want…..keep us in a state of confusion, scratching our heads….
and you’ll learn so much more from the articles and posts, reading about others journies and other life changing information on dealing with S’s……and you won’t feel alone!
Again, welcome…….and take care of YOU!!!
XXOO
EB
Metachosis:
Boundaries are imperative! Glad your exploring where to set yours!
I’m interested in your query on ‘real guilt vs ‘false guilt’.
Would false guilt be a projected guilt onto us?
I think ANY guilt is non productive and we should live with NO REGRETS!
I wrestle with the family boundaries too……it’s all very hard when it’s ‘blood’.
Hello All: Great post as has been said many times already. Most significant to me was the statement: “Things he took from me.” Things I still feel he is taking from me. As my life slip slides away. Cant pay the mortgage on “our”house any longer, nor the property taxes, my own income taxes, and now my credit card bills. My life that I built so carefully with very hard work and little help from others is crumbling before my eyes. It’s been two years and he is still taking from me. I want it to end. Janis Joplin sang once that “…freeom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose. And, nothin ain’t worth nothin’ but it’s free.” I am waiting here to be free. I am waiting here for more. There is nothing else to wait for at this point.
BTW those who recall I’m in a law suit – my lawyer dropped me because I can’t replenish the retainer. I’ve spent over $10K on his fees and nothing has happened yet. He fileda cross complaint law suit that will never see a trial and we had a mediation that didn’t render a recommendation. That is about it. If I could replenish the retainer I would have paid the property taxes. I have borrowed from my parents and have no where left to turn.
When will this merry go round stop???
Sorry to vent. It’s so hard right now I don’t know what to do.
Lot’s of love to you all here! Lil
continuation…
As Ive sat here today Ive reminisced about the last 3.5 years and have come up with MANY, MANY, MANY more instances that should have been ‘dealt’ with differently…Id like to share…
*He packed his things from my house on 4 different occasions after being confronted about poor/disrespectful behavior. It became his trademark move…
*His sense of entitlement was crazy! He would walk into the gym that I worked at, walk right past the front desk and wouldnt pay. He would tell me “its not MY fault they dont charge me”.
*He tried splitting my family during our family reunion by tellign me ‘boy you should have heard some of the things your dad and brother were saying about you last night’. I confronted my family and it was actually the OTHER way around….HE was saying things about me to THEM!
*He asked to borrow my BRAND NEW car since his drive to work was much longer than mine..I, in return, would be allowed to drive his rusted out old truck.
*Tantrums, tantrums, tantrums…need I say more?
*He would make this look…a look that signified TOTAL disgust in me if, say, I had on an outfit HE didnt think I should wear…and claim he ‘didnt even know’ he was making the face.
*I always felt like he was ‘riding my tailwind’ and by being with me, he looked much better….I was right
*There was a highly irritating parasidic component to him. He stopped being my ‘guest’ at some point and at that point, particularly when his child was at my house. For example: When watching t.v, his child would sit on my couch, he on my loveseat, and me? ON THE FLOOR! After talking to him about this his response to me was ‘well, where are we supposed to sit then?”…
And the list goes on and on and on…and I will share more later. Writing these things down is sometimes difficult as it forces me to acknowledge all the wrongness that went on…and it makes me sad and then VEEEERRRRRY ANGRY!
continuation…
*He had NO friends. The only time he claimed to have ‘friends’ was when we were arguing and he was ‘going out’ with them. Otherwise, in 3.5 years, I met TWO people he called friends…and they were both co-workers.
*He went to prison for two years. He repeatedly asked that I didnt speak with his mother about it because she didnt know ‘the real’ reason he went away. His story to me made him out to be quite the PRINCE who was trying to ‘save’ his drug addicted brother from a drug dealer. He said his mom wouldnt have been able to ‘handle’ that truth, so they never told her. (SEE, IM GETTING ANGRY NOW….OOOOHHHHHHHH)
*He owed 20,000 dollars in back pay child support, supposedly from the time he was away. I didnt find out about this until about 6 months before we broke up.
*He caused SO MUCH GRIEF in peoples lives, his nick name in the area he grew up in was ‘maggott’. I found this out after meeting one of his ‘old friends’ at a party 65 miles away from where they grew up! He never told me that himself.
*He began dating his classroom assistant at the age of 17. She was 22. For this, he faced expulsion…but chose to drop out instead. He ‘ran away’ for 3 months, having NO contact with his family. He was living with strippers he met while on run in Las Vegas…
And the list goes on and on and on…thanks for listening!
Lil: Misery loves company so can I join you?
I’m a little further into the journey to financial Hell than you – it was three years before I was able to peel off the parasite I had riding on me like I was his own personal Bank. I, too, went from excellent credit with a house to 100K in debt. Now my ex-S is the one with the excellent credit and a house, thanks to draining me financially for those three years with child care and child support and not paying our mortgage or any of his share of family debts, which enabled him to save up a bunch for his own needs. He didn’t even have a real job when I first met him, and certainly no assets, no credit, no driver’s licence, nothing. He was charming, glib, and had a hard luck story a mile long. He duped me and then later he duped the court. Need I say more?
It has been a difficult pill to swallow, knowing I won’t even be able to pay off all that debt by the time I’m seventy, never mind build a nest egg. Amazing and disheartening. All that hard work and dedication for naught. I sincerely hope it doesn’t go as badly for you as it did for me.
But the main thing to keep in mind when it seems like it’s never going to end is that the merry-go-round DOES stop eventually. Good or bad, it WILL stop. That was a day I relished, knowing he couldn’t continue to bleed me dry financially anymore. I had to wait for three long years (longer than we actually married) but it was finally OVER. My finances suck, sure, but at least I got my life back and learned a few important lessons along the way (like – DON’T GET MARRIED EVER AGAIN, LOL!).
Hang in there.
HOT then Cold
Hi and happy holidays to all here at lovefraud.
I checked through most comments and a few hit me..the one was a S starts off all hot and then suddenly cools down..yeah Lezlie did that for the first three weeks she was calling me
an we talked while she ran her route for a food delivery.
Then she started to ignore me..I just feel stupid for being so happy about someone who was so bad for me.
She would say certain things to make me feel and think like we were going to be together longer then when it ended. She ended it see that was another post here how they have to keep moving..I guess I should feel lucky it was only 3 1/2 months. I realize she was ending a relationship when she started up with me..did the same thing texted the gal ..
She made the mistake of telling me that the girl said she led her on..lalalala and I thought to myself..hmmm? But thought
I could believe Lezlie..LOL..WRONG..she uses everyone..
I even heard the red flag of “I knew after 7 years of marriage I did not love my husband”..DING DING..that was her conservative version her as a Socio it was really more like after 7 months of being married and pregnant..I knew Idid not love my husband so she played him for 25 years OMG!!!
And I thought to myself wow I wonder would she do the same thing to me YES she did in a way shorter time..
A fool to think I would be different..she would actually love me.