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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Destruction of our lives through family courts

Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a woman whom we’ll call “Eralyn.”

I have been “lurking” (I guess it’s called) your site for quite some time. I want to thank you for your website as I am grateful to see people who know and understand the insanity of all of this.

I have decided to write to you as I read the posts of women who have very young children with a sociopath and they sound so much like me a decade ago that I cannot in good conscience keep quiet. While I don’t want to cause any more fear than they are already living with, I do want them to be warned and keep their guard up. They need to know the way things are going in the court system down the road.

Poking holes in the condom

My daughter is 13 years old and I have owned a small business for 21 years and a home for 18 years. Not so much as a traffic ticket and I have been a single mother for the entire time. I got pregnant by an out of character fling. I found out from his best friend “for some reason he’s picked you and be careful as he’s the type to poke holes in a condom.” I didn’t take heed to the warning and there I was. My spath said his best friend was a pathological liar. He was the liar. I found out much later.

During the pregnancy, I believe when he realized I wouldn’t marry him or the permanency of his actions, he made threats to cut my baby from stomach and kill us all. I found out when a SWAT team was at my home to save me. He was sent to an inpatient mental hospital and diagnosed with BPD w/anti-social traits and much, much more. Chronic Auditory Hallucinations of the devil.

I found out what I was dealing with over the next year or so and had the baby, I also thought, as your other posters say, that if I didn’t ask for child support, or if I played this a certain way, he’d leave us alone. My baby is the love of my life even at 13years old. I had 3 years orders of protection, was harassed, stalked, physical altercation and threats of harm, while attempting to raise the child on my own and remain sane. He wasn’t on the birth certificate. He would call here and there after his drug life increased and I would simply appease him until the next time he called, never asking about the child.

Father in jail

He was finally incarcerated April of 2007 on several financial felonies. (relief) He sent me a letter after being in for 2 years and no contact. Someone gave him my address. Said we’d be together wholly and completely as he had prayed for 680 days. I responded forgetting who/what I was dealing with, to please just leave us alone. (He thanked me for the scent on the letter; there was no scent.)The child doesn’t know him and he has brought nothing but drama, trauma and upset to our lives.

This started the next 3 and a half years of the destruction of our lives through family courts in Arizona. He filed from his prison cell for all rights and had a “senior pastor (of a home church) licensed professional counselor, expert witness” who had been involved in our lives when the baby was an infant, write a letter on his behalf. It took 2 years for the state to investigate this psychologist/pastor due to my complaint, and he has since lost his psychology license and is of the same caliber of person as the father, only cleaner cut.

His letter caused much damage to our case. The father’s criminal record, mental record, domestic violence against me—all of it was disregarded by the courts as “too old.” Two months prior to his release from prison, he became the “prison chaplain clerk.” He was released 8/09. He appears to have gotten so much backing nobody can believe it. He was filing 3 to 5 (many of them perjured) motions per week from his prison cell starting 4/09 and then came court.

Well-rounded child

I was terrified. This little loving 10 year old had to find out her father was a criminal who was just being released from prison and demanding to be in her life. I knew it was revenge. He called his aunt and said, “We’re going to prove her clinically insane.” It was laughable at first. I never came up for air in the first 2 years and screamed and cried for help begging, as I knew he was going to emotionally abuse this child severely.

She was a “well-rounded, pleasure to have in class” little girl who didn’t know about the evils of these types of people. She helped the handicapped children at school, was an honor roll student and a purple belt heading to her black belt in karate. Our whole world imploded. He appeared to have financial backing of “fathers’ rights attorneys,” “faith based prison reentry program,” “work reentry program making $180,000 per year” (he had never made $40k per year) federal funding?

Reunification

I was ordered to provide any and all medical records of mine to the courts from my whole life, including 8 years taxes, 8 years bank statements, business and personal, ordered to counseling and so was the child, due to her resisting reunification. I was blamed for his telling the child of his prison history, drug history, crimes and a picture he showed her on his phone at their first meeting of his butt! This was told by my daughter to his aunt and not to me, so you’d think they would’ve believed it. He told her I wanted to abort her (a threat from birth out) and she was not aborted because of him and sucked the joy and peace from both of our lives. Plus much more.

At one point I had to defend against emergency psych exam for me and put child at risk of foster care until I could be evaluated. At least my attorney told his attorney that she was bordering on misconduct, although it seemed like the border was gone. This attorney had something to do with the home church.

My daughter became suicidal and self-harming and her grades dropped. She quit karate. She stopped helping kids at school. This nightmare is unbelievable to anyone who hasn’t dealt with this type of monster and the way the family courts facilitate this abuse on to unsuspecting honorable citizens. The reunification therapist “was right with her God” and wrote 8 letters against the child and myself as she bought into the father’s early arrivals so “he could pray” before meeting with his daughter.

Terminate the rights

Ok, so needless to say, I am getting upset telling my story. I want you to tell your readers and mothers whose babies have been the light of their life with a sociopathic father that ANY loophole or opportunity to terminate the spaths right’s should be taken.  All the healing they have done is at risk if their guard goes down prior to their children’s 18th birthday. This can happen to them.

We are mere shells of the people we once were. I have basically lost my business and I am trying to save our home. The courts won’t help if spath comes back with a better story years from now. They have rights and God forbid they learn more criminal behavior and get the benefits of being a criminal who has done just enough time to get all the backing of the system.

My daughter finally recorded one of the abusive reunification sessions where they spent an hour arguing and bashing me, and I was sanctioned by the judge, accused of “wiring my child” and being the most reprehensible mother his attorney had ever had contact with in family courts????? I had nothing to do with the recording, but it stopped this particular therapist and I agreed to a sanction so the child would never go back to that therapist again.

Child is traumatized

The new one sees the truth and has told the courts how traumatized the child is from “whatever happened in the prior sessions,” and we are waiting on the judge’s recommendation for the child. The father would still like to see her after he quit the meetings in May when he realized this therapist saw through him. (It disgusts me that I am used to referring to her as “the child,” now since every word you speak is subject to scrutiny in this terroristic court system.)

We have 5 more years it appears, and there is so much more to this story. I am grateful I could come to Lovefraud and at least know others see these cruel creatures for what they are.

Thank you, Donna. I am giving you this info so you can decide if or how you may warn or help the mothers who are fighting to protect their young children. I thought I was safely in the clear and had done everything right and recovered for the most part from the trauma of the beginning with this man. It just didn’t matter. There is very little help for us.


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47 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Destruction of our lives through family courts"

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Eralyn, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the horror of parenting with a sociopath never ends….! My husband ‘s ex wife(she has been diagnosed as a sociopath with BPD and narcistic behavior)have 2 children together, and even though one in now 21 and the other is 16, she continues to be a major influence in their lives and warped, negative attitudes toward my husband…they are scared for life and there is Nothing legally the courts will do about it , especially since they do Not recognize mothers as sociopaths.The only advantage you have which isn’t much is that the courts do tend to listen to the claims that a “father” may be a sociopath. My advice to you make sure you do not complicate things by parenting out of guilt because you divorced him and you feel guilty as far as your children are concerned, they will use this throughout their lives and see right thru it. My stepchildren are very entitled and spoiled because this is what my husband has done.. he parented out of guilt…now, when they don’t get exactly what they want from him they don’t speak to him for months or years. Their “mother” has screwed up their heads through out the years so badly that they choose to continue to treat their dad bad and with continual disrespect because this is all they know and because they can. She has lied to a church they joined years ago, and defrauded 24K from the members by claiming they were broke and living on the street.(even though we were paying for them to live in a 200k home for 3 years with $4400.0 worth of her bills monthly). The kids lied right along with her, this is how they get thru life and get what they want form people to this day! She has lied about our relationship, she has lied about her dying to her entire family including the kids, has had an affair while she was married to my husband, you name it, she has done it, yet the kids idolize her and despise him. He has always been in their lives and has never not paid child support 1 day late…none of this matters, nothing he does is good enough…ever. We are taught as good parents never to give up on our kids, but what does one do when they refuse to see you and give up on you. At 16 and 21 , they cannot be forced to visit. You, being their mother have another advantage, you have them the majority of the time…just remember, no matter how horrible their dad is, whatever negative comments you say will come back to haunt you. My husband and I have never spoke bad about his ex, and his kids still despise us. You will never be capable of thinking like him so don’t be surprised when he pulls his sociopathic stunts, just try to stay a step ahead of him to save yourself and your kids, and so you know what is coming next…good luck and God Bless Beth

Eralyn ~

Thank you for “lurking” around LF and seeing the need to tell your painful story. I understand how upsetting it is to talk about some of the horrors you have encountered.

I am so sorry about how the unjust court system has effected your dear daughter. I understand, my 11 year old grandson has been effected in same way.

Absolutely, 100% – the word needs to get out to all that are just beginning this journey – use any “loophole”, any window of opportunity, any means to terminate their parental rights. READ the laws in your state regarding parental rights, READ any and all court cases (especially State Supreme Court Cases) that pertain to this subject. EDUCATE yourself.

Again 100% on – family courts/ JV courts are only interested in what happened in the past 2 to 3 months. If the spath screws up, ACT right then, because months or years later won’t even be considered.

Don’t ever fall for “best interest of the child” – “perjury” – “credibility” – they may be thrown around on court TV programs, but they don’t exist in the real world.

This may be an unpopular belief, but I don’t believe there is anything we can do to “change” this pitiful family court system. It basically comes down to a “game” similar to politics. I think we must carefully study how and why spaths make out so well in this system and STEAL THEIR GAMEPLAN, because ours sure ain’t working!

I wish strenth for you and your daughter Eralyn. Again, thank you for sharing.

Bethv, Thank you for your comment regarding 18 not being the magic number. I am hopeful she is free at that point from the sickening fear of forced reunification in our state. She never knew him and he promised me she would hate me by the time she was 12. Well he gave it his best effort in her first year of “deprogramming” reunification by trashing me and anyone she loved but because I had never spoken badly of his family or him, it made her hate him. He told her she was someone she wasn’t because she expressed dislike of him. The system blames this on the mother or father who the child is bonded with when in fact she was 11 and fearful and then disliked who she saw him to be. In our state they actually send these kids to deprogramming camps which is a forced facility of putting your feelings in the past and or ignoring them all together.
It sounds like your husbands ex had the opportunity to twist up the kids by having a relationship with them to begin with. It’s really a no win deal for all. Although they are determined to win in their own minds. I won’t guilt parent. I am struggling parenting at all at this point. But I hold my daughter accountable so hopefully that will prevail.

Milo,
I believe the courts must change this crazy immunity afforded to these overrated, overpaid court facilitators who have harmed these kids and these camps should be shut down. It is such child abuse kids have died and one has even been shut down due to the mother having enough evidence of the incompetence and the terrible abuse her children suffered that she won a lawsuit but they of course went bankrupt leaving nothing to help with the ongoing psychological help these kids end up needing.

Also, I have done tons of research on how this bizarre court case could go this way and have learned much about the federal funds in the billions of dollars are being pumped into prisons under the guise of getting single mothers off of welfare and fathers into their kids lives but unfortunately the psychopaths/sociopaths etc are utilizing all they learn in prison for their revenge. That money must stop in the way it’s being funded. They are getting attorneys fees paid while the parent out here who was single income has to find a way to fight to protect the child/ren and many are just losing these children to men who took classes in prison and weild their bible along with a 12 step book and they’re good to go up against a law abiding successful parent and the destruction begins. I am disenheartened by the years of efforts made for change and screams for accountability to no avail. I was even invited on the Dr. Phil in the beginning of my case and he appears to have dropped the ball on the people who were brave enough to tell their story. Fathers Rights were all over his show complaining for equal time and Dr Phil appeared to go the other way yet again.

I hope we all get through this and beating them at their own game is unfortunately the only option or waiting for our sentence to end……

Good luck to all, Eralyn

Eralyn ~

Don’t get me wrong, I also believe the courts MUST change, however I have all but given up on the hope that they will. My parents were foster parents and heavily involved in custody cases 50+ years ago, they had the same complaints and noticed the same injustice and abuse by the system back then.

I was unaware of the funding to prison inmates and how it is being misused. How utterly outrageous.

We had paperwork disappear that ultimately vacated a custody order that we had for over 5 years. Turns out our attorney, at the time, exposed some of the JV Judges for some unethical practices. They sought revenge and we were forced to live the nightmare all over again. Second time around we got a GAL that decided my grandson should be removed from our home, placed in a foster home so that he could be “made” to reunify with his abusive, druggie, prostitute spath mother. Like your daughter, he was resisting and we were blamed. The magistrate we got was one who had been removed from our first case because we proved she was prejudiced against us.

The quote of the day had to come from a court investigator who made the statement about my three (3) year old grandchild – “why are you worried about him, he is almost four (4), by then he can take care of himself”

As I write this, my grandson is 11 years old and is struggling emotionally because after the reunification process was complete mommie dearest decided she wasn’t interested in him anymore. She also abandoned a three year old little girl. She has been arrested 3 times in the past few months for prostitution and drugs (crack). She is awaiting sentencing. Oh, the GAL from Hell just represented a man in a custody hearing who ended up killing the mother of his child.

I hope your sentence ends soon – respectfully – MiLo

Eralyn

I’m so sorry what you’ve gone through. You are a brave woman!

You are right about the funding. It’s as if being bad and criminal gets you rewards, and good, honest and integrity gets you punished. Something similar happens to education (sorry off topic) where all the teaching programs and grading is mediocred for the children who do not wish to learn at all and prefer to run havoc in class, while the children with an appeitite for learning end up being forgotten and ignored.

It’s ok for society to want to make society a better place, but not at the cost of those who are already actually putting in their weight to at least make their home and family a better place.

Thank you for writing this article. It made me cry as I have always tried to hold on to the belief that somehow, some way we can get out from under the family court orders and insanity that they allow. I can’t allow things to feel hopeless, although they do.

Yesterday I saw my therapist. Had never done therapy before but am realizing that it is needed. She specializes in helping people who have been traumatized.

I poured out my feelings of desperation, the need to escape and helpless feeling as I am court ordered to turn my young son, who is terrified of his father, over to spath. I asked her what the he** do I do?? How can I make this stop? I just want to run away I (almost) give up and am at a point where I am not sure how much longer I can do this. It has been seven long years and I don’t even know the person I used to be.

The therapist paused for a minute and then she said to me, what do you think things would be like for your son if you gave up now, if you stopped doing all of the things you are to help him get through this? What does that look like for him? That is all she needed to say. Of course I can’t give up or give in.

As far as the family courts go, if everyone on the planet ‘woke up’ to the atrocities that are happening every single day, it would still likely take 10-20 years to see any kind of changes. For us, right now, we need to be aware of the reality of things.

I remember talking to a gal a couple of months ago who was complaining about what a dead beat father her children had. I told her to count her lucky stars that he is not pursuing the children. She looked at me bewildered. Not even sure how to begin to explain the nightmare of the family court system to someone who hasn’t been through it.

It has been thoroughly proven that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Although this is true, the courts really only want to hear about the ‘here and now.’ He hasn’t beat you lately, so that doesn’t factor in. Although one might argue that, ‘hey the restraining order is working!’ When spath was charged with child abuse the family court magistrate ordered that visitation continue and that my then five year old had completely unsupervised visits with spath. Are they surprised when children are then killed by these monsters.

Looking for any loopholes to get out is good advice.
Being entangled with an spath with children is like being in prison. If you can escape, run, run, run!

Dear BethV,

In your post I hear the pain of both you and your husband about his children. There is, unfortunately, a BIG GENETIC component of psychopathy, as well as being raised in a dysfunctional family, so his children have had the “double whammy” and there is NOTHING that your husband can do to change that.

You talk about people telling you to “never give up on your children” but sometimes that is just what we MUST DO. I have a psychopathic son, Patrick, who is in prison for murder, and in the summer of 2007 he sent a man to kill me and probably the rest of our family, so that he (Patrick) could inherit the totality of our estates. Fortunately, it didn’t work, and the man was found out, but he (PaTRICK) Still continues to be a danger to us and will as long as he lives, even though he is currently still in prison.

Each time he comes up for parole I have to fight to keep him there and even then it is likely he will be out in the next 5-10 years….in which case bothh of my other sons and I will most likely go back into hiding again.

No matter how good a man your husband is or how much he tried to be a “good father” there is NOTHING else he could have done to change what his kids became.

I suggest that you and he get some counseling and learn to be at peace and to realize that the kids are3 “adults” and that they make their own decisions, and frankly, I think that them “not having anything to do with him” is a blessing, not a curse. God bless you both.

Dear Earlyn,

Thank you for writing this article. Milo has also been “used and abused” by the courts as well as AnnieO, and both are still fighting the courts and the psychopaths and their attorneys, so you are NOT alone. I was fortunate not to have to fight a P “co-parent” but I AM still fighting my egg donor who is giving money etc to my psychopathic son Patrick to try to get him out on parole, I am fighting his parole release so I do have some idea of your frustrations in dealin with “the system.”

God bless you and your daughter and good luck!

Ox Drover and Eralyn, Yes, Ox Drover, I know in my heart of hearts that letting them go because they are adults and almost adults may be the answer, and yes, sometimes circumstances like the genetic transfer of psychopathic tendencies prevails in the children of sociopaths and they turn out like their “sick” parent showing no empathy or regard for truth or love of anyone. I too am caught in the middle, I feel for my husband but I realize also, that he is much more able to accept this fate. I am a mother of a whole, wonderful, mentally healthy 27 yr old daughter, which makes it even more difficult to imagine the entire scenario. He is mor3e accepting of their disregard for truth or their father than I am. He has somehow developed a protective trait that heals him and makes it semi ok, I am still working on this myself. To all of us that fall in love with a person who has been devoured by a sociopath in a previous relationship, know that it takes tremendous strength, trust, patience and love. The fact that my husband and I are two very different personalities does give us strength, we draw from each other. I have studied sociopaths as a sort of armor to protect my husband and I and to make sure I am always prepared for what she is yet to throw our way once again. In a sick kinda way, I have had to get into her mind to understand how she thinks to protect us…this in turn has kept her at bay after many years of her constant badgering us and trying to tear us apart…it has backfired and made us stronger as a couple. As far as his 2 kids, 21and 16….they have a long teaching road ahead of them, society will not accept their lies and continuing attempt to use society for all they can get, they are both pros at this, they learned from the best. I am so sorry to hear about your son Patrick, this is proof the legacy never ends…hopefully he won’t have any children, and this will stop the cycle here. Pain is something that is constant when we are a part of this evil…it tears at all of us involved…and yes, all we can do is learn to heal ourselves day by day and let it effect us less…..God Bless both you and Eralyn…Beth V

Dear BEthV, I’m glad that you and your husband have each other, that is so important to have someone to validate your truth. The psychopaths are so good at twisting the truth (“gaslighting”) so that others may not see it, but instead see their twisted lies as “reality.”

So far Patrick has no kids, and my other biological son has decided never to have children, so maybe it will stop with this generation in my family. I do, however, have some half sibs (2 of 3 normal) who have children as well as my own half brother that I think is just like my P father. Unfortunately I have Ps on both the maternal and paternal DNA lines. My bio sons also have Paternal liine psychopaths as well. Both grandfathers are full fledged Psychopaths.

I’m also glad that you have a healthy daughter/friend. I am also fortunate to have an adopted son who is the light of my life. My husband died in an accident 8 years ago though, so I no longer have his support, and my “egg donor” (formerly thought of as my mother) is totally supportive of my son Patrick, though. She is Not, I don’t think, a psychopath herself but she is a HARD CORE ENABLER without which psychopaths could not operate as well as they do. Skylor also talks about the “fence sitters” who sit by and do nothing when a psychopath is operative, but the ACTIVE ENABLERS are even worse in my opinion. I am NC with her even though we both live (in separate houses) on the same family farm.

There is so much I want to say here. Mainly the system is destroying the spirits of these children and creating mental illness for future moneys coming to the juvenile court system. It’s hard for people to believe the system is so corrupt or broken on so many levels and churning out these kids and parents with no regard dishing out mental handicaps to suit the labels they have put on the books to make money. Think about it, so many kids are overweight, so now theres a whole industry being utilized to tell us how to eat and programs gallore. (don’t bring back recess or anything simple like that?)
Darwinsmom made a statement about dumbing down in the school system, which I see also from having school teacher friends and a child in the system who’s grades have dropped and she’s become one of the many in her class as I am not plugged in as I was.
Knowing all that I know now, is scary. I can’t unknow it but I imagine that is how and why people who haven’t dealt with these anti-social/disordered types can’t or won’t accept our stories as they would have to learn “it could be them”.
I am boggled by the number of men who understand the type of monster I am dealing with less question than the women. As if they see these creatures for what they are.

Ox Drover, I have such respect for your basic understanding of what your son is. I cannot imagine the morph you must’ve experienced to come to terms with loss of the little boy but I am sure his murder of another left you less able to deny what he had become.
I have a lot of resentment towards the mother of my spath who believes “he’s been broken on the rock” by God in prison ignoring his out and out attack on our lives. She is gloating as he has polished his skills while in prison. He learned some self control which was what would expose him so he’s angrier and more dangerous than he was. I am pitying the woman who ends up with him as she will definitely see the devil himself on a wrong day. While they may be able to fly under the radar for a while we all know their wreckage and it doesn’t stop. This monster had nowhere to go but up from his prison cell and his goal even stated out loud was to tear me down. The court system handed us to this criminal on a silver platter. He was in hog heaven forcing me to be somewhere every week and torturing his kid as I would not meet him anywhere in real life weekly. He knew that. The new therapist stopped his visual or verbal contact with me and he lost interest in tormenting the child. But he changed his mind so now we’re waiting for the judge to decide if our abuse continues. My point is Ox, you are so right and yes it seems cold to those who haven’t had their very lives nearly taken to turn your back on your son cause he is what you know he is. You don’t lie to yourself. I know it takes alot of pain to get there but I respect it.

AnnieO, I know your plight and your cries and your exhaustion. I know the “I can’t do this one more day” and still doing it years later! I know the scoops it takes from your soul having to serve your child up on a platter to their destroyer. I have only had what I call “spit wads and a pea shooter” in a war against machine guns and assault rifles but I do have phony pastor exposed who had his psychology license revoked due to fraud on my case. So I fought and now a wounded souldier for sure. Please know a baby step may be all you can do in a day. The gray rock info was so helpful and true so I use that and try to remind myself of it. I even have a GRAY ROCK sitting on my patio table to remind me. lol…. Try to find what is interesting him in keeping you in the cross hairs and take that fun away. This new reunification did the exact opposite of the last one. I really didn’t see her tecnique until it worked. She kept me a parking lots distance from at every drop off and pick up of my daughter. Unbeknownst to me, my daughter was waiting until she saw “anger and hate” in his eyes to rip him in front of the therapist and since the therapist has trauma experience for children she basically let the now 13 year old tell him how she never knew hate until she met him, she laid out what it was like for her to find out about him and then be abused by him weekly. It was totally like a victim impact statement. He blew and left! But he is back. Although we have months of bracing ourselves without the meetings. Sometimes all you can do is breathe to get through it. I had no idea a criminal with 9 felonies and a complete history of mental illnesses and was 38 years old would be given all this power through DNA to destroy two good people! Somehow he has landed a job making 4 times any pay he had ever made! It’s all been conmen when I have looked beneath the “rug” but I am getting and barely living with his child support which feels like blood money. That alone may keep him vested in gaining access to the child so as not to pay me. He’d love me to pay him! I actually feel guilty I have my daughter while so many protective parents do not and have completely lost their children. This is definitely bizarro world. I was told by 2 high ranking state officials to “leave the state” when this first started and I thought they were nuts! I was an established business owner/ homeowner….blah blah but they were exactly correct. I had no idea.

I sometimes feel I was meant to expose this but like it has been said, it’s been going on so long and is so deeply rooted in the political world, it makes the Penn state scandal look like a small issue……

Milo, You know. I am sad that we all know and it’s so frustrating.

I guess when you lurk as long as I there’s a lot to say that was in your head to those who “get it”. It’s unfortunate society has embraced these types so much. It is great there is a web group where we can come and just be understood. So many of the stories sound just like others with only the names changing that this is really a “type” of human creature with very definable behaviors. Pschologists and psychiatrists would do well reading this site.

Eralyn,

I have a lot of respect for you. Your daughter has a tremendous mother. You are in a fight, with so many players on board, influencing how you and your daughter live your lives (which is the pits). The father of your daughter is an unhealthy, sick, twisted person (pretending to be a godly man). When (and if) your daughter has to be in his presence, I would be praying for divine intervention, that her whole person would be protected (shielded) from his evil. I pray that angels go with my kids during the day, helping me feel better about them. What’s happened to you and your daughter is unfair and wrong. I feel badly that your happy, peaceful life (that you and your daughter had) was disrupted by such a rotten person. My thoughts are with you, hoping that you can get back what was taken from you.

Bluejay,
Thank you for your kind words and I sure hope my daughter understands some day how much I tried to protect her. I also hope this trauma sets off no genetic disposition of personality disorder. Baby steps. Any mother who deals with this has my admiration and support. I know there are women who have put men through the ringer too. It’s bizarre beyond words and mentally taxing along with everything else.
He admitted to me he could pick “me” from a crowd but I am very sure it was my strength that put me in the crosshairs this long. If I would’ve acted hooked on him he’d have probably run away………I am sorry your kids have to be put through this and you sound very grounded.
Thank you again….

The family courts in this country are a joke and one big lie after another! Justice is a word from hundreds of years ago when it was and eye for an eye, and no political gain was in the near future. In the county I reside in( Lake County Indiana) the judges don’t ever want to hear what is happening in the personal lives of the children and loving parent. the destruction and lies, only who owes who and that settles it. The true victims left are the children and the one parent , mother or father( in our case father) who is left to clean up the mess, pick up the broken pieces and move forward with their lives if they can find the strength to do so. I had to quit working years ago as a legal advocate for the women and children here because I entered into the profession thinking I could make a difference and left realizing the corruption was so prevalent that only God could change things here! I got too close to those I wanted to help and became emotionally wrapped up in their lives filled with empathy. JUSTICE in a perfect world would be doing the right thing for the children…..no matter what that entails, but no, it instead is a quick fix, a boost out of court without explanation from those who really matter…a mirage. Our country will never be whole until we start putting our children, animals and true victims first, and leave the liars and sociopaths to rot in the jail cells we pay for!

Eralyn,

Boy am I ever grateful for this article. Thanks for speaking up. In May, I fled the state I lived in for 15 years, leaving behind the entire life I had built from the ground up. I’m really struggling where I am now. I decided to return back to my family of origin and all the dysfunction here. It’s been just awful, complete with the police and child protective showing up at my house due to a vindictive sibiling. I would never hurt my daughter, and have taken many, many actions to keep her safe.

Lately, I have been thinking about going home, despite Spathy and his antics. I read your article last night and have been thinking about it a lot today. Then, on Facebook today, showing my mom pictures of various friends and their children, etc, she wanted to see Spathy’s family. He has the same name as his father, but I wasn’t aware he had an account. He apparently opened it April 1, and there were many, many pictures of my daughter visiting him at the supervised visitation center. His profile picture is of him and my daughter. I wanted to vomit. My stomach literally hurt. I can CLEARLY see his spathiness in the photos, and my mom said he looked like he could be a really mean person. He was hamming it up really good for the monitor at the visitation center. My daughter (now 21 months old) looked like she was having a ball. I can only imagine the devestation he would bring to her life in the future. He has another little one, who is about 7 now, and she doesn’t look like the happiest camper in the pictures he posted of her.

Anyway, it really hit home, my baby girl is in much better shape 6,000 miles away from this man and his disordered family. Mine is pretty bad, but I don’t think I am going to be sticking around here very long.

My financial life is collapsing all around me. My career has come to a halt and everything I have ever known and cherished has been compromised EXCEPT for the love and connection with my little one. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I am challenged by everything that is going on. I’m stressed to the max, and my family has been adding to it, but I have to remember that in my family and all of the dysfuntional drama that comes with them, they are merely goldfish compared to the shark that is spathy. Somehow, because of the parents sharing the struggles of “co-parenting” with the nightmare that is a socipath, I can do this. I can rebuild my life from the ground up once more. This article, as well as the comments afterward, grounded me once more. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I will work hard to eliminate the fantasy of returning to my old life in the former state. Spathy can have it. My revenge will be living a good life, knowing how much I have over come and how hard I have worked to keep my darling one happy and healthy. I only hope that one day I can tell her the truth about him and not have her grow up resenting me for keeping him away.

LF family, I thank you for being my rock once more.

LPMarie ~

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time since you moved. But, Marie it was your ONLY choice, the ONLY chance you had to keep that sweet little baby girl healthy and happy.

I know the feeling of seeing her picture with the monster on facebook. My daughter did the same thing. I just wanted to smash the computer and scream HOW DARE YOU. They want the world to see “their child”, “their possession”, “their pawn”. Do yourself a favor and don’t look anymore. That’s all he has is a picture and you must do all you can to keep it that way.

It may not seem like it now, in the middle of your chaos, but you did just what we talked about here. You saw that window of opportunity, that loop hole and you took advantage if it. Another week, month or year and that window might have closed for the next 18 years.

I just know things will get better for you. Maybe just a little at a time, but it will. Is there anywhere that you can make some healthy contacts, perhaps a local church or single mom’s group? You never know when someone may be able to help with a job search or proper daycare and just plain companionship, away from your family.

I’ll be thinking of you and the little muffin. ((((hugs)))) to you both.

MiLo

MiLo,

I have always treasured your words. And I really needed the support tonight, thank you so much 🙂 BIG (((HUGS)))

I did end up blocking him. I kept looking and looking and showing my parents the pictures and getting angry all over again. I decided it was unhealthy and the last thing I need in life right now is anything else that adds stress. Out of all of the pictures he could use, he chose one with her. Not his other daughter that he gets to see on a regular basis. You are so right. His pawn. My order of protection is up next week. I wasn’t sure how to extend it out of state and legal aid is not very helpful. I figure the best thing to do is to never let him find us, and it will be a non issue.

I am worried, though, because a good lawyer told me that I am required to provide him with my phone number and residential address. I got a new phone a few months back and the networks somehow automatically updated my contact list with numbers I had previously deleted. Out of all the numbers my daughter could have dialed while playing with the phone, she dialed Spathy’s dad! I pray that they don’t realize it was us. If he finds us, and I haven’t given him the updated address and phone number, I’m not sure what can happen to me for trying to cut him out of her life. I think the state I am in now is more protective of children than the one I left, but I do know it can be a crapshoot depending on the judge.

You would not believe the amount of judgment and drama I have encountered in trying to make new friends. I am now in a very protective mode. I do have a very nice neighbor who has a very critical mother, so she and I share war stories and help each other out at times. I’m thinking of bailing again. My daughter has bonded with Grandma and Papa, though, and though I feel they are not the greatest for me to be around, she really likes being around them and I am not so sure I want to take that from her. My sisters, on the other hand, have proven to be very destructive and vincictive toward me. I cannot be around them in any capacity.

I have been lucky enough to find some great Veterans organizations and have been networking with as many folks as possible trying to find a job. I have a few leads on daycares for the precious girl. I just feel wiped out with all the drama from my sisters. Monday I get to leave for a wekk and visit a long time friend in Florida. I haven’t seen her in several years and she hasn’t met my babes yet, so I”m very excited.

Thanks for helping me with your support. I count on this site to keep tings in perspective. You really hit the nail on the head and I need to constantly be reminded of how serious this disorder is and despite the intensity of the struggle, I have done my child a huge favor in the long run by sparing her a Spathy parent. You are 100% on the money. Another HUG!!!

Bethv, I am right there with you regarding the courts but I am literally fighting with my pea shooter and spit wads against their arsenal of weapons. I have the scars to prove it (as the single father w/shared custody of his boy that I was dating who I let go to protect from my spath says)! I have made baby steps in progress and while I have been fighting for my daughters safety, I have also behind the scenes hooked some moms up across the country and helped in tiny ways to help them to get some progress made. I really don’t like saying this but I sometimes wonder if I was meant to get in the trenches of this issue as I don’t stop at walls, I kick and (sometimes cry and beg them to move when tired) punch and break them down or go over or around them (or take a nap in front of them). I see so much corruption and I know it is in the trillions of dollars. If you look at the welfare system and the non-profits and faith based federally funded programs that are not being checked and balanced you see this “fatherhood initiative” has started a whole new chapter against feminism and families. I believe their goal is to use buzz words to pit fathers and mothers against each other and by the time they’re through everyone but the average joe will have made a lot of money on the backs of all of us while crumbs rolled down to us just enough to keep us all fighting for their causes they keep creating. It’s a sick cycle.
Yesterday I signed onto the Fathers Rights Board here (as I often do) and told them a little bit by bit! I want them to know they are tools or soldiers being used. I did it very slickly I hope as I think they think I am a man most of the time. I really believe this is an issue of saving the children from being used and the parents be it mother or father. I know good men can come across these evil people in female form and have. So I am hoping to get enough stirring to get someone to pick the ball up. I know it’s huge and a long term problem but I get it. So I have to speak about it.
Beth thank you for your validation and the help you attempted to give as an advocate. I am sorry things are the way they are. So many have come to see how huge this is. I get it…..

LPMarie ~

I want to tell you my concerns about your present situation, not to scare you, but to maybe bring up some things you have not thought of. Understand, I am by no means an expert, in anything and tend to be a bit paranoid where precious children are involved.

I understand that you had the court’s permission, in a way, to move out of state with the little muffin, so you did nothing illegal or wrong. However, this does not necessarily mean another court, in another state, will view your decision to “leave in the middle of the night” favorably. As an example, when we were first granted guardianship of our Grand, we had the right and actually a responsibility to seek any and all medical treatment he needed. We even told a court investigator, and it was in her report, that the first thing we wanted to do was to have him evaluated by a child psychologist. Our attorney told us we now legally could and should go ahead with this. We went ahead with the eval and also started him in therapy, which was highly recommended, “the earlier the better” for his diagnosis. The Magistrate that was assigned to our case was enraged by us doing this. He even made the statement, off the record, that he would never give such sneeky, underhanded people guardianship of a child. We were in this court for over a year and he brought this up constantly. Finally, we had to apply for custody, rather than guardianship, to get it into a different court, because this “legal” thing that we did was so irritating to him.

So, just as you have read, you NEED to avoid any and all courts. To do this, IMO, you cannot take a chance of being found. Do you think that moving near your family, possibly your home town doesn’t increase your chances of being found? If your spath went to court and had your address, the court can serve you papers and you may be forced to return to court. If they don’t have an address, they can’t do that.

The phone also worries me. Maybe those prepaid, throw away phones would be a better choice for you.

I understand that your little sweetie has bonded with her grandparents. Kids this age bond very easily and I am sure your parents are good to her and there are advantages to having them close. But, on the other hand, the family dynamic is causing you huge amounts of stress and it sounds like it is a rather toxic environment. This has an effect on a child that is probably more negative than removing her from people she has recently bonded with.

Again, IMO, you are thinking of bailing again, I think that is a good idea for all the reasons I mentioned above. Possibly during your trip to Florida you could check things out. Possibly the military presence in Flordia would give you avenues to check out. Don’t know just some ideas.

Please read and pay special attention to people on here like, CappacinoQueen, Eralyn and AnnieO. They are going through it right now, and they have excellent ideas and thoughts. The one thing you can depend on is the fact that you can NEVER TRUST A FAMILY COURT. Almost anything is better than that.

Please take care and again this is just my opinion trying to give you some thoughts to help out along the journey.

Best to you always – MiLo

Eralyn ~

Am pressed for time right now, but had to tell you I think posting on the Fathers’ Rights board was a very good idea. I definitely think there are fathers on there who would be 100% on your side and do not appreciate funds being used in the way that they are.

This is like so many things in our society today. There is a problem, good intentioned people step in to try to fix it and it gets carried to such a ridiculous extreme yet another monster is created. Something like the “zero tolerance” policies in schools, where common sense, examine the individual circumstances no longer exist. Then you have a child suspended from school for bringing in a plastic knife to cut a birthday cake with.

Stay strong and thank you for your efforts.

LPMarie13,
I read your comment and cried. My heart wanted to explode I think reading your plight and it sounding so similar and I want you to succeed and your child to have a wonderful life. Two things will help you I think and one is if your ex is NOT financially well off and the other is if the state you are in or he is in charges back child support as that tends to scare some of them away. My state goes back only 3 years even though federal law says every child should be supported by 2 parents, I raised her and paid everything by myself for over a decade. He attempted to have those 3 years figured at .20 per hour, prison wages!!!!!! I was so angry! I testified in court his letter said he was making $3 per hour as the prison chaplain clerk so I didn’t know where this .20 per hour is coming from. They found in my favor on that one. Especialy since he obtained a job with 7 new financial felonies as regional sales manager at an A/C company quadrupling any pay he ever made! It’s so bizarre.

I am concerned about some things you have said about where you are. Facebook is dangerous. Please remember this. I am worried about sibling issues and if they are nasty enough to call CPS on you, do you believe they won’t let him know where you are at some point? I would keep these things in mind. Try to tell yourself you are living a mindful life and a strategic life rather than a life of fear and looking over your shoulder. I have to do this or the trapped feelings overwhelm me. I moved to a different house from my home of 15 years prior to his release from prison so he wouldn’t be at my doorstep. I was on his victim notification list upon release from prison and there was to be no contact per his parole but I guess family court didn’t count and neither did his texts, calls, showing up at my tenants door looking for us. UGH.

I struggled with that move for a year and a half. He found us and tormented my daughter with knowing our address and her school with subtle comments about the pool in our backyard and the street we drove home on and she even wore a disguise in the reunification meetings as she was so scared this criminal was her dad for over a year! I thought she would get rid of the disguise once she got comfortable with him but let me tell you, he exacted every threat he ever made on this child over a decade later. She hated him. She ran away from the office and into an office which by fluke was a trauma counselors office and there was a dog which is why she ran there. She was crying and begging this woman to help her. Nobody was listening to her mommy and she didn’t want to be here please help her. Well they came walking in and took her back into the office. (I was oredered not to be on the property during those meetings, ordered into the meetings, in the waiting room etc etc) My child was literally tortured in these meetings emotionally. There were over 50 of them. That trauma counselor was afraid to get involved and by fluke I ran into her a few times. She felt horrible. My daughter was old enough to tell him NO PICTURES OF ME. I found out later she was afraid he could get her on the street at school or in public so she didn’t want him to recognize her. It’s all game for them. Mine hasn’t been a parent and is too much of an egomaniac to share a picture of himself for facebook with anyone except his mug or part of his game which I am sure your child is “look at me and my child who has been taken away from me” type picture. blah blah

If I were you, I would attempt to learn everything I could with the time you have with him out of your childs life about the laws of family court in your area and his area and find out if worst case scenario happened what jurisdiction you would have to go through if he did find you God forbid. If you have to reinvent yourself in your life career, I would think about getting involved with the largest family law firm in my area as a paralegal or something. If you can’t stomach that see if there is an area you would be interested in that would empower you with this sucker if he finds you like maybe the MEDIA! That would be so good! Just a thought. Think strategically and building foundation. I know how the family of origin can be. Consider how you are going to empower your child to be strong and identify wrong minded people so if the spath ever comes into their life they have some critical thinking skills about how people should treat them. One huge thing I taught my daughter which strengthened her was “your feelings are yours and not open for argument. If someone argues with your feelings tell them you have the right to feel the way you do and I have the right to feel the way I do”. This was a biggie in empowerment. I also taught her about “jokes are supposed to be funny” and watch out for people who call hurtful things JOKES. “I was just joking/kidding” but hey that hurt! I never spoke badly about her father and I didn’t allow anyone else to do it and I am not sure if that set her up for a huge let down or if it helped. I know when he badmouthed me it made her fearcely mad because she knew I never talked badly about him. I do think there must be some way to let your child know you keeping them safe and how much you love them. I always told my daughter that I would help her find her father if that was what she wanted but not until I felt it was a safe age. So that got her thinking I suppose.

I could write three books to you I am finding so I will stop but these are things that have come to my mind and I want you to have safety, security, joy and peace in your life. Do not go back unless you are ready to co-parent with the father unsupervised and maybe even lose custody and pay him child support in the very very worst case scenario. It happens here every week in family courts so do not believe it can’t happen to you. It can. I am sorry for that.

One more thing, I was watching Donnas lovefraud videos and of course all are important but one I must say is I pride myself on being honest and keeping promises. She tells you in the video how she feels about promises to a sociopath and I agree. Give yourself permission to not only not keep your promises when it comes to them but if you tell a little lie for the greater don’t hold it against yourself as this is a very big tool they will use against you.
You are no longer living on the front lines of the battle where you shoot at them they shoot at you and somebody loses or you run, you are now in special ops if you know what I mean. It’s all strategic and mindfull. Going at a spath head on just harms us for some reason.

If you haven’t yet take a look at Donnas videos of spaths.

Sorry so long. I hope you got through it and it helped! HUGS

Dear Marie,

I agree with Milo, I think if you can possibly GET AWAY from your dysfunctional family and your sibling that is causing you problems.

Staying around where people will undercut you and take “revenge” on you for whatever reasons is NOT A HEALTHY OPTION.

I know you may feel that your options (financially) are limited, but sometimes it is better to live in a card board box than in a nest of vipers. Have you considered contacting a shelter? It might be a better option. Take care. Contact me off line if you would like, my e mail is under Joyce Alexander on the LoveFraud authors list. God bless.

MiLo, Eralyn, and Ox Drover,

Thank you. I have so much to think about. I have barely slept the past few weeks. I am wiped out. I do not have a lot of time to respond right now, but I wanted to be sure to let you all know I have read your words and have some of the same fears, especially the vindictive family ones.

Ox, I tried to find the email for you under authors and I couldn’t. I would love to email you directly. Can you post it on the blog, please?

Thanks all.

Milo,
I didn’t read your response to LPMarie until I had drafted my short novel to her. 😉 I totally agree with everything you say. It’s not paranoid. It is not! It is true. It is wrong. I was pacing the floor when I read your suggestion to LP as it is so wrong for anyone to have to go underground or rip their life away to run from these monsters and the “system” which is enabling them to this point. It is sick! Makes me madder than crap and I hope some progress gets made so badly as this is ridiculous but oh so true!

I hope that my posts on fathers rights helps wake them up as I have been doing for quite some time with them. I jab them when they are talking along the lines that will help all like taking immunity from the crooked reunification therapists. I got all over that when that came up as there are more of them than there are of me (is of me? lol). That would help everyone so I poke em and try to light a fire under them to keep going with that one. Thanks for your input.

LPMarie13 , I am sorry to say this but I have to. I agree as strangely as this sounds and extreme as it may appear or paranoid, wholeheartedly with Milos comment. Please know I commented not seeing her comment to you and it sounds very similar.
About that phone thing, get rid of his number somehow. Throw away phone # or whatever. This is going to sound strange but even my daughter knows, my phone has dialled his # which I have programmed in my phone under certain initials from accidently answering his calls I have hundreds of contacts in my phone. I would say 50% of the time I have accidentally dialed from my phone it dials HIM! It’s the weirdest creepiest thing. There is no reason I can come up with that this happens but it is dangerous! I was at the urgent care as my daughter fell in the shower and blacked out and my phone dialled him! I looked down at my phone in my purse and shut it off! I was in Wallyworld (walmart) with my daughter and we were having a very serious discussion about lying and friends etc. I was angry and when I put my purse in the cart my phone called him! When I saw my phone minutes running and his # I was like a caged animal running through my mind what he may have heard if he recorded it, how it could be used against me etc etc. I don’t know why this happens but it does. Just take precautions. I don’t know but I got chills when you said your child dialed his number. Change your #. Change your phone if it is safer. Get a separate one or whatever it takes. I was warned. I didn’t believe it could be this bad but it is. I have asked an advocate agency for children in my area “do the judges EVER find in the best interest of the children and protect the child?” She sat and thought about it. One time. One time in a different county in the 10 years she’s been doing this. So I guess we must deal with this big secret truthfully now that we know. Start educating people and ourselves but do not deny. I could go on and on with examples. So I will just say it’s a different way of life and we here, know this. You will adjust to the facts and if you don’t believe it’s that bad, be careful. Go to family court and watch some trials in your area if you can. I did. The day I chose to go I picked one of two trials I had written down just to see how they go. The one I decided on was a mother of 2 with a new man in her life. The children were well taken care of and then there was dad. He looked good in court. Until I found out he was a homeless junky who was taking his kids to sleep in his car every other weekend and telling them he locked his keys in his residence that’s why they were sleeping in the car. The mom had pictures of syringes in the back seat of the car and proof the cops had run him out of parking lots and proof he had been evicted 5 times in the past year! The judge asked him a few questions and he gave the judge a new address with a story but no proof he lived there and he kept his visitation. Now for the horrible punchline of this story. The trial I chose not to watch………the mother jumped out on the freeway from the backseat of her mothers car and killed herself after losing custody that day in court! I read her case before they “sealed” it. It was a tragedy, travesty etc and so on. It’s what is happening. Liars give the judge an excuse to find in their favor and there is no accountability for deaths of mothers, fathers, children so justice seems to have left the building……….. I am sorry. I was hysterical after this experience but you can bet I fought like a lunatic or maybe a sane person. (smile, don’t know for sure anymore)

Good luck LPMarie. I am here if you need to ask any questions or you just want to vent about it. You can do this.

Eralyn,

I read your response. I feel so freaking overwhelmed. The year leading up to me fleeing was so stressful and then the move and now all the drama here. I’m going to see a long time friend (we worked together in high school and maintained our friendship all these years) tomorrow for the next week. She said we could “brainstorm.” She remembers how awful and vindictive my family is. I feel stuck. I have a little money and it’s rapidly draining away, so know that I need to move fast. Maybe I need to become a “homeless veteran” in order to secure the help I need. I went to one of the vet angencies for help, and because I had paid my own security deposit and rent prior to coming in, I wasn’t eligible for support. Had I been delinquent, I would have been. I was thinking about the phone number and how I sent out my resume all over this area with my address and phone number on it. With the best of intentions. Trying to become employed once more, etc.

Some days I just cry and cannot believe this is my life. I do have those moments of self pity where I am floored by the brutality of it all. I have busted my ass since I was a 16 year old girl and built a comfortable little life for myself that would have provided okay enough for my little one. I am by no means well off. I was selling my condo in a short sale where I left and the buyer cancelled the sale b/c he found out he has cancer. I felt terrible for him, and completely understood needing to do that. I’m stuck still paying on that place and paying rent where I live now.

I want to move from here and never be found. Spathy is not well off, but his parents are and his mom is a lot like him. I think she would fund his attacks. I’m not even sure what to do/say/think/feel anymore. I cry like everyday. My daughter looks at me and says “Mommy sad.” And I don’t want to show her a sad Mommy. I try to take her away to do something fun most days. I take her to a sprinkler park and watch her run around, screeching with joy. And I think about how desperately I am fighting to keep that joy in her. I want some of it myself. I feel so beat down. I can’t even make sense of things right now. But thank you for reaching out to me. I have very little support and I have never felt lonlier in my life.

Marie, there used to be a little category of a mini-bio of each of the authors along with a photo of us and a contact information and I couldn’t find it either…but it is g mail and it is oxdrover1946 at g mail. I wrote it like that so a bot won’t pick it up. if you have trouble contacting me through that,, let me know.

Ox,

I found it and emailed you. When you go under the authors tab, it’s under the heading “about.” I am still perseverent 😉 That’s good news for me, right?

LPMarie,

We need to find a way to help people be identified that need help and then make that help readily available. Not something governmental but something “private sector” is my thought.

You are strong. It is not going to be easy but you will survive this. You sound like me. I started on my own at age 17 and started my business when I was 25 building a foundation to be independent of my family of origin.

Children are overwhelming and amazing all at once. Consider keeping a gratitude journal so you can think of at least 3 things per day that happened you are grateful for. I remember I got so down that the best one I came up with one day was that I polished my nails and didn’t ruin them before they dried. lol….You have more freedom to figure this out right now due to your childs age. That’s a good one.

The upper government officials I spoke with, knew what I was dealing with and 2 suggestions were made. 1. Leave the state. or 2. Enter a shelter. ??? They knew my business and knew I owned a home but this was the advice. I realized too late that I was left with a lack of support from anyone who could help or understand much. I still have my home but my business has all but disintegrated after over 20 years…..Financial problems make me nuts. I had excellent credit when this started. Now I owe everyone and thousands. I have spent tens of thousands I didn’t even know I had and have lost a quarter of a million dollars during the 3 + years if you count the equity I lost from the economy in my home. We can survive this and will. I have heard alot more success with those who have left the state for some reason than those who have stayed.

Eralyn,

I didn’t have my own business, but I can relate to your experience. Currently, I have excellent credit but this will shortly change due to the short sale. I could kick myself. The condo purchase was another scheme of Spathy’s, so he could live right up the street from the beach he loved to surf at. I went along with it, though. He’s not on the mortgage, so at least I can be grateful I have escaped that kind of nightmare. At this rate, it may end in foreclosure. I think I’m being stupid at this point to continue to pay on the condo when our future is so uncertain. I have a lot of debt, too. I was so proud that in 2008 I had a huge mountain of credit card debt that I have been digging myself out of. I’m almost there, and now it looks like my credit will be destroyed despite the hard work and discipline it took. If I want the glass half full attitude, I suppose I should look at it as all the available credit I now have if we do get into an emergency with finances. I appreciate your gratitude suggestion. I’ve been getting really hard on myself. Just a few minutes ago, I heated my daughter up a frozen pizza and cut it up into little triangles thinking about how I used to make her home cooked meals that were balanced and healthy. But guess what? She was happy as a clam when I set it down with her Elmo juicebox! I need to ease up on myself and stop looking at the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s as another LF mama coparenting with a S has suggested in recent weeks. I have a fighting chance now that we left there. It was just a bad mistake to come here. It’s wearing me out here.

Marie – go get “muffin” a bottle of bubbles and let her blow them in the kitchen, like you did on Christmas.

You WILL be OK.

Dear LPMarie,

have a big hug ……you’re doing such a good job. And you’re right……don’t be beating yourself up because things aren’t perfect. When things were hard for me a few years ago my sister said to me….strongawoman!! Why don’t you go outside, find a big stick, put a nail in it and hit yourself over the head. !!!

Be kind to yourself! and your little one is young….the simple things in life will make her happy as Milo says.
Tell you what….I and am sure a whole lotta people here are rooting for you.

Stay strong my dear. I will be thinking of you.

You’re doing great! I promise!
That little dream boat daughter will love anything you hand her with mommys love in it. It could be anything. They just remember the love.
Now I know exactly the beating you’re getting from yourself. Your credit may not take as big of a hit as you think since so many people are foreclosing and short selling. Hopefully it will show as an incident when your overall score is checked. Remember the whole economy is has been stressed (to put it mildly) and you will fit right in. It couldn’t have happened at a better time. (since with the spath it was gonna happen) While some moments that still pisses me off, what I just said is the half full thought. 🙂

Take lots of pictures for memories of you and your daughter. I feel like that is something not to be shorted on. I have stopped in recent years due to feeling sick seeing what I see in my own sad, tired eyes but I took lots for the first 10 years and she looks at them all the time with love and happiness. Now she and all her friends take them of themselves. Boys too! ?

Your eyes are wide open. Good!

Instead of worrying too much about the home cooked meals she’s not getting start looking for quicky easy tips from other single moms online so you still feel like you did things up to your standards. I used to put frozen peas in a baggie and my daughter would eat those. Great when teething too. She’d eat raw green beans too. They are good. She thought baby carrots were cookies (every kid wants cookies rights?) until my niece yelled hey that’s not a cookie! Which ended up funny to this day. Find some laughter. Music and laughter. Good stuff at the worst of times.

Here’s the deal, we aren’t supposed to parent perfectly. I believe we have become successful if we’ve done it better than the parents who raised us. Sounds like that’s what you’re shooting for and I can honestly say even with all the crap, I have done better in many ways if not all than my parents did.

Thank you ladies. I am going to do all of the above.

this is a tragic situation. it reminds me how lucky I am to have had older kids when my ex filed, and I remember telling them that the outcome of our lives would be decided by how strong they were in the face of the trauma that was to come. I knew I could only do so much and even if I survived and gave it my all, they had to be part of the fight. family court tries to fool us by saying we shouldn’t involve them, they should not know what is going in with their parents litigation, but this is just because the court knows how valuable the children are in a fair fight. at this point, I have lost almost everything in protecting them, but my children have survived and have not become self destructive or given up. my children are survivors, continuing to succeed in all aspects of their lives. it is so wrong to put such a load on children, but its the only way. They have to know its a fight for their lives and to dig deep and find the strength to overcome the adversity from the court and their own father. to accept the lack of fairness and carry on because no one else will do it for them. and as all the story shows, there is no help for those imprisoned in the family court process. so just like kids all over the world who are asked to go it alone after destruction of their families and homes, family court has done the same to children here. the children themselves must bear the burden, mature quickly and not be sheltered from the reality that threatens their lives while the propaganda is professing just the opposite.

Help! Can I have spath arrested: he admitted to driving dangerously with 2 of my children in the car. He drove 70 in a 55 swerving around cars and changing lanes without looking. 60 in a 35. Making angry faces at 10yo in back seat so that his face was in the back seat. Stomping on the brake, accelerator, brake, acc., brake at each stop all the way home. All this b/c the 10yo wanted me and not him to work on her sch project. Her report was: he used the car as a weapon against him. The sw opened a case but it all results in them spending more time with him! They say to reduce chances of interactions between me and spath but the insanity! He is getting what he wants Again! Since he admitted the driving, can I report it to police and get an arrest? What would be the charge?

Glory, do you have a WITNESS to the driving like that and the admission? Even the kids? If the kids will testify to it, call the department of child safety (whatever it is called in your state) as well as the police.

Don’t let him know you are doing it until it is done. Good luck, it may help, it may not. No guarentees for sure. ((((hugs))) and God bless.

Barbarab,
wow, you really get it. You have my admiration and respect.
You understand what protection through knowledge is, even for your kids. Remember, stay vigilant. Never stop learning. When you think you know everything you need to know, is when you make mistakes.

I’m glad you posted. You have wisdom and I hope you continue to share it.

GlorytoGod ~ I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this. If he is doing things like this to “punish” your children, there is probably more “inappropriate” parenting techniques on his part. It would not hurt to report it to Children’s Services, but it will be very hard to prove.

We had a private investigator following my p/daughter because we knew, that during her visitation time, she was driving her son around while having a DUI suspension. When we presented the evidence, including pictures to the court Magistrate, he laughed and said everyone with a suspended liscense drives, no big deal.

Keep a journal of everything your children report to you, include date and time. This may help opening a case with DCF. Good luck

barabab,

I agree with Skylar – an excellent post. You are a blessing to your kids, telling them how it really is, keeping them “in-the-know.” I totally approve of your way of handling things (not that you need it). My kids know that I think that their dad is a spath, having lived through craziness galore (over the years). Our lives are becoming more settled because the spath dad is not a constant presence in their lives (they don’t have to see him everyday). Anyways, it sounds like as a parent, you’re tops!.

I wonder how many battered mothers and children are suffering to the extreme because of the corrupt family court system. I’ve done research and find that something similar to a civil rights movement is needed in order to fight back against intolerable injustice in the family court system. We need to be united in order for battered women and children to have their basic human rights to safety, support, and protection respected and enforced. I wrote a book under a pen name about the corruption in the MN family court system and about what my three children and I have lived through. Please pass the word about the book, Spellbreaker, Transcending Violence by Mariah P. Clausen, on amazon.com. For those who are interested in getting your story and your children’s story exposed to the public, you can self-publish at createspace.com. I think we need to flood the market with stories detailing the atrocities we’re suffering because of the evil in the family court system and because the media is keeping it a secret.

Here is a link to a great group and one which is advertising for stories of people who have been ripped off by the family court system. Those of you who have been violated by this system, contact them and get your story out there.

CA Protective Parents Association

Dear Friends,

Much is happening!

You have a chance to help save 16-year-old Damon by listening to his disclosure of child sex abuse onhttp://www.safekidsinternational.org, then contacting theDistrict Attorney of Monterey County Dean Flippo at [email protected] urge him to thoroughly investigate the child sex abuse, to give Damon a protective order, and to prosecute his sexual molester. We have a responsibility to prevent another cover up of child sex abuse.

Sera McRoberts children are in dangerhttp://www.change.org/suggested?petition_id=581778

Judge Steven Jahr, Shasta County is the new Administrative Director of the Courts in California. Does anyone know anything about him?

Lawless Americahas a possibility of getting network television coverage of stories on family court corruption.

If you want to be filmed (3 minutes), email [email protected] with your name, address, phone, email, and explain you are a Family Court Victim.
If you only want your name in his database, email [email protected].
You can also hear Bill Windsor and sign the petition.http://www.change.org/petitions/to-our-major-networks-abc-cbs-cnn-fox-news-msnbc-and-nbc-an-act-of-moral-duty-in-exposing-government-corruption
September 9-12, 2012International Violence, Abuse and Trauma conference in San Diego, CA http://www.fvsai.org/

September 16, 2012is the deadline to submitessays of 5-7 typed pages (3,000 – 4,000 words) to Dr. Dorothy Altman, an Honors English Professor at Bergen Community College, and Patrice Livingstone. ([email protected] ;[email protected]). They are going to publish an abuse anthology- a book of essays of raw personal experiences of victims/survivors. Subject line: Abuse Anthology Essay- Your Name and State.On the first page, please list your name, address, e-mail, and telephone number, and a title of your piece. You can use a pseudonym.

October 4-7, 2012Conference on EMDR and Attachment: Healing Developmental Traumahttp://www.emdriaconference.com

October 19, 2012Ritual Abuse: International Clinical Perspectivesin Los Angeles

http://www.ce-psychology.com/ritualabuse.html

October 28, 2012Save the Date! Mothers of Lost Children will march from the U.S. Capitol to the White House in Washington DC to protest children being taken from safe mothers and given to battering and sexually abusive fathers. The family court cover up is similar to Penn State and the Catholic Church cover ups. There will also be a candlelight vigil at the White House on October 27 and a demonstration at the US Supreme Court from 9-12 on Monday October 29.

October 29-30, 2012Penn State conference on child sexual abuse, thanks to the Sandusky child sex abuse scandal and cover up. http://protectchildren.psu.edu/fee-and-registration

The men who covered up for Jerry Sanduskyhttp://americanfreepress.net/?p=5335

Exclusive: Victim of Second Mile Pedophile Network

http://americanfreepress.net/?p=5116

Connecting the Dotshttp://americanfreepress.net/?p=5131

The Baffling Case of DA Ray Gricarhttp://americanfreepress.net/?p=2641

Far-Reaching Implications of PSU Child Abuse Scandal

http://americanfreepress.net/?p=1465

Louis Freeh…The Cover-up Goes Nationalhttp://americanfreepress.net/?p=5136

October 29, 2012Garland Waller’s knockout documentary No Way Out But One will air on The Documentary Channel.http://documentarychannel.com. DVDs will be available at the Doc Store.http://store.documentarychannel.com/

OTHER INFORMATION

The Parent Trap

http://www.theind.com/cover-story/11142-parent-trap

http://thefamilycourtconscience.blogspot.com/

Archbishop of Dublin on CBS

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7418638n&tag=nl.e882

Federal Bureau of Investigation, Public Corruptionhttp://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/2010/march/corruption_032610

“Public corruption poses a fundamental threat to our national security and way of life. It impacts everything from how well our borders are secured and our neighborhoods protected…to verdicts handed down in courts…to the quality of our roads, schools, and other government services. And it takes a significant toll on our pocketbooks, wasting billions in tax dollars every year. The FBI is singularly situated to combat this corruption, with the skills and capabilities to run complex undercover operations and surveillance,” saidSpecial Agent Patrick Bohrer, assistant section chief of our Public Corruption/Civil Rights program at FBI Headquarters.

Family law corruption falls under several FBI Public Corruption categories: http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/investigate/what_we_investigate

Connie Valentine
CA Protective Parents Association

Divorced from Gaslighter

Marie: I would advise you to stay out of the shelter. A judge might well decide that the child is better off with the father who “has a nice apartment” even if he only has the apartment for one month, or only has a nice apartment “on paper.”

Also, if you go to a shelter, and have to explain why later in court at some point, you will have to admit that you don’t get along with your parents, and that is why you moved out. If you are destitute enough to have to go to a shelter, and you have a “dysfunctional birth family,” your ex will have a pretty good chance of getting custody, since the child needs a stable home, and you don’t have an apartment or even a supportive family.

You are in a bad situation, and the sister who called CPS will likely do it again at some point. The only way to stop her is probably to threaten her, “If you call CPS on me, I’m going to call the IRS on you.” If your sister is on some kind of government program, you could threaten to report her to them.

Additionally, since your sister has already reported you to CPS, you are already in their system, even if the case was found to be “unfounded.” If you go into a shelter, you may lose your child immediately. The shelters work hand in glove with CPS, and there is absolutely no confidentiality anywhere in the system, because everybody having anything to do with children is a “mandated reporter” and everything is supposedly done in the best interests of the child.

Go to the local HUD housing office, or Rural Development if you live in the country, and ask what kind of housing programs they have and get on the waiting list. Don’t tell them about the condo while you are on the waiting list, but ABSOLUTELY disclose it, or get rid of it, before accepting benefits. If the local HUD office has a huge waiting list, ask which surrounding jurisdictions might have a shorter list, as you are willing to move.

My advice would be to try to get an apartment somewhere, somehow, before your credit rating is ruined, but if money is running out, I would cut my losses, look online for info about the best way to dump the condo, and possibly dump the credit cards, too.

Once you get settled somewhere, get a cell phone to be your private main phone, and a landline to be your “public” LISTED phone number. Your ex is going to find a phone number for you one way or another, so give him one before a judge punishes you for withholding the number. Do NOT put the ex’s phone number into the cell phone, and make sure the landline phone has speakerphone and a message recorder. Your ex becomes very sympathetic to the court if he has ZERO contact with the child because you “kidnapped” her and went into hiding.

Pick your new apartment with care, because once you are there, you won’t have the money to move again for years. Check out the Salvation Army and especially the YMCA, etc. to see if they have deeply discounted childcare that you could use while looking for a job/getting started in a new job.

If you are going to totally start over, look at North Dakota or the oil field areas of Texas.

NEVER volunteer to be a “client” of CPS, especially if your child is small, blond, and cute. They are always trolling for “abused and neglected children” that they can place for adoption (and get a government bonus.) They will pump you for negative information about your ex in order to terminate HIS parental rights, while they pump him for negative information about you in order to terminate YOUR parental rights.

Marie~ Am not sure what state you are in but 37 states have an Address Confidentiality Program that you can enter into. It is for victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking.

You will be given a ‘fake’ address to use legally for everything including registering your car, your driver’s license and you can even testify under oath that it is your address. The ACP programs will keep your real whereabouts under lock and key. All of your mail will be sent to the fake address and then they will forward it to you.

Also, you can give it to the court and be compliant about letting them know where you are but it will tip off your ex about your location in a new state.

I would see if you could get a pro bono attorney in the state HE is in. If you are represented by an attorney then giving the address/phone number of the attorney will suffice as far as keeping the ex or the courts informed about how you can be reached. This option is safer because then the ex will likely be clueless that you have left the state.

For most short sales to go through you have to be behind on your payments. You may want to try for a loan modification but they can’t know that you don’t live there. Try to google the new HAFA laws that were put into place for homeowners. Possibly you can rent out the condo to cover the mortgage. If you do a short sale and keep up on your other debts, you can actually buy another home in two years. The purchase of the condo will be viewed as a bad decision of an otherwise responsible person. (In the eyes of those looking at credit) A foreclosure does much more damage.

We have been being stalked for over seven years relentlessly by the spath. He has access to A LOT of money through his trust fund and retired attorney father.

If I knew then what I was dealing with, we would have RUN out of the state. Am now court ordered to not remove my son from Colorado. We are trapped. You are two steps ahead of spath. Take a deep breath and congratulate yourself for that!

I bought a book called ‘How to Disappear’ and it has a lot of good info and suggestions. Your cell phone can be GPS tracked if they know your number. I would keep your number safe. Always make calls out blocked. People know that when they receive a call that comes up Private or Restricted that it is me. They will get used to it.

DO NOT let spath get you back into court! He will say that you are a vindictive and manipulative b#$!# and have been keeping your child from him. He will even claim you kidnapped the child. They WILL buy into his victim story and come at you with a vengeance.

Stay hidden and diligent.

Eralyn~ Just wanted you to know that your words touched me tonight as I needed to hear them.

“Try to tell yourself you are living a mindful life and a strategic life rather than a life of fear and looking over your shoulder. I have to do this or the trapped feelings overwhelm me.”

We are moving right now and it was an ’emergency’ decision that I made based on the spath’s conversations he has with my son. (court ordered, Ugh) about things he couldn’t possibly know about unless he has discovered where we live. A comment a few days ago sent us into a tail spin and we are knee deep in moving.

We also have no new home to go to. Just some amazing friends that understand what we are going through and a willingness to help us out. Have NEVER been in this situation. Have been independent and made my own way since I was 16 years old. Am trying to shake off the sheer panic and keep telling myself that somehow, someway, we are going to be alright.

Everything is going into storage and then I guess it will be an adventure. It looks like we will have some money coming in at the end of September. Fingers crossed.

In the meantime the spath will have a heck of a time trying to pin us down. His tactics are so opaque that it is almost hilarious to watch him do what he does. Almost.

Please know Maria that struggling with finances right now is temporary and you have won half the battle by leaving the state. I would cut ties to family of origin as that is the very first place spath will look for you, and he WILL look for you.

Think of Eralyn’s words that we are living mindfully and strategically right now. Our eyes are wide open.

LPMarie, whenever courts are involved, there is the strong possibility that spaths will run another successful con, especially if children are involved. Children are the most coveted prey because they don’t have a voice.

Please, consult the following website for resources that might be available to you: http://www.ndvh.org

Where spaths are concerned, it is vital to recognize and accept the fact that they do not behave with a conscience or any sense of remorse. They do what they do simply because they CAN (caps are intended as emphasis, only), and nobody – not Law Enforcement, not moral code, not Courts, not any entitty – is going to tell them otherwise.

You are in a very precarious situation, and you have my most sincere positive thoughts and prayers. A load of excellent suggestions have been posted, and I would urge you to consider each one, carefully, and with deliberation. Right now, you are in the middle of an emotional vortex created by the spath. That vortex can cause you to spin out of control and take rash actions that could (and, likely, will) backfire. An abusive spath counts on RE-action rather than PRO-action. We simply react because we are constantly blindsided. It’s sort of the same motive as terrorists use: keep everyday people in a state of extreme anxiety about everyday events. Go to the market and risk being blown to bits. We just cannot predict what these people will do, so it’s important to avoid attempting to do that. But, we also must work hard to set aside the emotion and approach all issues from a pragmatic view. If I do this, these are the likely outcomes….and, so forth.

As for having him arrested? This is a very dicey situation and I’ll just say that you have a number of options that have already been posted. Consider each of them from an approach of common sense.

Moving closer to dysfunctional family? Uh……….no. You’ll be easier to find, they’ll be more than happy to oblige for whatever sick reasons, and you won’t be any safer than you would have been by staying with the abuser.

One more time: http://www.ndvh.org

This can be a starting point for your to research your options.

My most brightest protective blessings to you

Glory, I’m sorry….I confused your post about having the spath arrested with someone else’s post.

You may also want to check out the website: http://www.ndvh.org

This is a fantastic site with loads of FAQ’s, resources (national, international, regional, local), and available help.

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover,

You have given some excellent options. I really appreciate it. I will write on behalf of Damon.
Thank you for putting them all in one spot to be able to follow it easily.

You are a wealth of information.

Thank you.

Eralyn

Another ‘thank you’ Ox Drover for the “wealth of information and putting them all in one spot”. I reviewed many of the websites and I emailed information about my book and the Minnesota Family Court System corruption to the CA Protective Parents Association. I had heard about Bill Windsor and “Lawless America”. So, I listened to him on youtube and signed his petition. He is truly doing amazing work with exposing the flood of corruption in America’s “justice” system.

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