Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a woman whom we’ll call “Eralyn.”
I have been “lurking” (I guess it’s called) your site for quite some time. I want to thank you for your website as I am grateful to see people who know and understand the insanity of all of this.
I have decided to write to you as I read the posts of women who have very young children with a sociopath and they sound so much like me a decade ago that I cannot in good conscience keep quiet. While I don’t want to cause any more fear than they are already living with, I do want them to be warned and keep their guard up. They need to know the way things are going in the court system down the road.
Poking holes in the condom
My daughter is 13 years old and I have owned a small business for 21 years and a home for 18 years. Not so much as a traffic ticket and I have been a single mother for the entire time. I got pregnant by an out of character fling. I found out from his best friend “for some reason he’s picked you and be careful as he’s the type to poke holes in a condom.” I didn’t take heed to the warning and there I was. My spath said his best friend was a pathological liar. He was the liar. I found out much later.
During the pregnancy, I believe when he realized I wouldn’t marry him or the permanency of his actions, he made threats to cut my baby from stomach and kill us all. I found out when a SWAT team was at my home to save me. He was sent to an inpatient mental hospital and diagnosed with BPD w/anti-social traits and much, much more. Chronic Auditory Hallucinations of the devil.
I found out what I was dealing with over the next year or so and had the baby, I also thought, as your other posters say, that if I didn’t ask for child support, or if I played this a certain way, he’d leave us alone. My baby is the love of my life even at 13years old. I had 3 years orders of protection, was harassed, stalked, physical altercation and threats of harm, while attempting to raise the child on my own and remain sane. He wasn’t on the birth certificate. He would call here and there after his drug life increased and I would simply appease him until the next time he called, never asking about the child.
Father in jail
He was finally incarcerated April of 2007 on several financial felonies. (relief) He sent me a letter after being in for 2 years and no contact. Someone gave him my address. Said we’d be together wholly and completely as he had prayed for 680 days. I responded forgetting who/what I was dealing with, to please just leave us alone. (He thanked me for the scent on the letter; there was no scent.)The child doesn’t know him and he has brought nothing but drama, trauma and upset to our lives.
This started the next 3 and a half years of the destruction of our lives through family courts in Arizona. He filed from his prison cell for all rights and had a “senior pastor (of a home church) licensed professional counselor, expert witness” who had been involved in our lives when the baby was an infant, write a letter on his behalf. It took 2 years for the state to investigate this psychologist/pastor due to my complaint, and he has since lost his psychology license and is of the same caliber of person as the father, only cleaner cut.
His letter caused much damage to our case. The father’s criminal record, mental record, domestic violence against me—all of it was disregarded by the courts as “too old.” Two months prior to his release from prison, he became the “prison chaplain clerk.” He was released 8/09. He appears to have gotten so much backing nobody can believe it. He was filing 3 to 5 (many of them perjured) motions per week from his prison cell starting 4/09 and then came court.
Well-rounded child
I was terrified. This little loving 10 year old had to find out her father was a criminal who was just being released from prison and demanding to be in her life. I knew it was revenge. He called his aunt and said, “We’re going to prove her clinically insane.” It was laughable at first. I never came up for air in the first 2 years and screamed and cried for help begging, as I knew he was going to emotionally abuse this child severely.
She was a “well-rounded, pleasure to have in class” little girl who didn’t know about the evils of these types of people. She helped the handicapped children at school, was an honor roll student and a purple belt heading to her black belt in karate. Our whole world imploded. He appeared to have financial backing of “fathers’ rights attorneys,” “faith based prison reentry program,” “work reentry program making $180,000 per year” (he had never made $40k per year) federal funding?
Reunification
I was ordered to provide any and all medical records of mine to the courts from my whole life, including 8 years taxes, 8 years bank statements, business and personal, ordered to counseling and so was the child, due to her resisting reunification. I was blamed for his telling the child of his prison history, drug history, crimes and a picture he showed her on his phone at their first meeting of his butt! This was told by my daughter to his aunt and not to me, so you’d think they would’ve believed it. He told her I wanted to abort her (a threat from birth out) and she was not aborted because of him and sucked the joy and peace from both of our lives. Plus much more.
At one point I had to defend against emergency psych exam for me and put child at risk of foster care until I could be evaluated. At least my attorney told his attorney that she was bordering on misconduct, although it seemed like the border was gone. This attorney had something to do with the home church.
My daughter became suicidal and self-harming and her grades dropped. She quit karate. She stopped helping kids at school. This nightmare is unbelievable to anyone who hasn’t dealt with this type of monster and the way the family courts facilitate this abuse on to unsuspecting honorable citizens. The reunification therapist “was right with her God” and wrote 8 letters against the child and myself as she bought into the father’s early arrivals so “he could pray” before meeting with his daughter.
Terminate the rights
Ok, so needless to say, I am getting upset telling my story. I want you to tell your readers and mothers whose babies have been the light of their life with a sociopathic father that ANY loophole or opportunity to terminate the spaths right’s should be taken. All the healing they have done is at risk if their guard goes down prior to their children’s 18th birthday. This can happen to them.
We are mere shells of the people we once were. I have basically lost my business and I am trying to save our home. The courts won’t help if spath comes back with a better story years from now. They have rights and God forbid they learn more criminal behavior and get the benefits of being a criminal who has done just enough time to get all the backing of the system.
My daughter finally recorded one of the abusive reunification sessions where they spent an hour arguing and bashing me, and I was sanctioned by the judge, accused of “wiring my child” and being the most reprehensible mother his attorney had ever had contact with in family courts????? I had nothing to do with the recording, but it stopped this particular therapist and I agreed to a sanction so the child would never go back to that therapist again.
Child is traumatized
The new one sees the truth and has told the courts how traumatized the child is from “whatever happened in the prior sessions,” and we are waiting on the judge’s recommendation for the child. The father would still like to see her after he quit the meetings in May when he realized this therapist saw through him. (It disgusts me that I am used to referring to her as “the child,” now since every word you speak is subject to scrutiny in this terroristic court system.)
We have 5 more years it appears, and there is so much more to this story. I am grateful I could come to Lovefraud and at least know others see these cruel creatures for what they are.
Thank you, Donna. I am giving you this info so you can decide if or how you may warn or help the mothers who are fighting to protect their young children. I thought I was safely in the clear and had done everything right and recovered for the most part from the trauma of the beginning with this man. It just didn’t matter. There is very little help for us.
There is so much I want to say here. Mainly the system is destroying the spirits of these children and creating mental illness for future moneys coming to the juvenile court system. It’s hard for people to believe the system is so corrupt or broken on so many levels and churning out these kids and parents with no regard dishing out mental handicaps to suit the labels they have put on the books to make money. Think about it, so many kids are overweight, so now theres a whole industry being utilized to tell us how to eat and programs gallore. (don’t bring back recess or anything simple like that?)
Darwinsmom made a statement about dumbing down in the school system, which I see also from having school teacher friends and a child in the system who’s grades have dropped and she’s become one of the many in her class as I am not plugged in as I was.
Knowing all that I know now, is scary. I can’t unknow it but I imagine that is how and why people who haven’t dealt with these anti-social/disordered types can’t or won’t accept our stories as they would have to learn “it could be them”.
I am boggled by the number of men who understand the type of monster I am dealing with less question than the women. As if they see these creatures for what they are.
Ox Drover, I have such respect for your basic understanding of what your son is. I cannot imagine the morph you must’ve experienced to come to terms with loss of the little boy but I am sure his murder of another left you less able to deny what he had become.
I have a lot of resentment towards the mother of my spath who believes “he’s been broken on the rock” by God in prison ignoring his out and out attack on our lives. She is gloating as he has polished his skills while in prison. He learned some self control which was what would expose him so he’s angrier and more dangerous than he was. I am pitying the woman who ends up with him as she will definitely see the devil himself on a wrong day. While they may be able to fly under the radar for a while we all know their wreckage and it doesn’t stop. This monster had nowhere to go but up from his prison cell and his goal even stated out loud was to tear me down. The court system handed us to this criminal on a silver platter. He was in hog heaven forcing me to be somewhere every week and torturing his kid as I would not meet him anywhere in real life weekly. He knew that. The new therapist stopped his visual or verbal contact with me and he lost interest in tormenting the child. But he changed his mind so now we’re waiting for the judge to decide if our abuse continues. My point is Ox, you are so right and yes it seems cold to those who haven’t had their very lives nearly taken to turn your back on your son cause he is what you know he is. You don’t lie to yourself. I know it takes alot of pain to get there but I respect it.
AnnieO, I know your plight and your cries and your exhaustion. I know the “I can’t do this one more day” and still doing it years later! I know the scoops it takes from your soul having to serve your child up on a platter to their destroyer. I have only had what I call “spit wads and a pea shooter” in a war against machine guns and assault rifles but I do have phony pastor exposed who had his psychology license revoked due to fraud on my case. So I fought and now a wounded souldier for sure. Please know a baby step may be all you can do in a day. The gray rock info was so helpful and true so I use that and try to remind myself of it. I even have a GRAY ROCK sitting on my patio table to remind me. lol…. Try to find what is interesting him in keeping you in the cross hairs and take that fun away. This new reunification did the exact opposite of the last one. I really didn’t see her tecnique until it worked. She kept me a parking lots distance from at every drop off and pick up of my daughter. Unbeknownst to me, my daughter was waiting until she saw “anger and hate” in his eyes to rip him in front of the therapist and since the therapist has trauma experience for children she basically let the now 13 year old tell him how she never knew hate until she met him, she laid out what it was like for her to find out about him and then be abused by him weekly. It was totally like a victim impact statement. He blew and left! But he is back. Although we have months of bracing ourselves without the meetings. Sometimes all you can do is breathe to get through it. I had no idea a criminal with 9 felonies and a complete history of mental illnesses and was 38 years old would be given all this power through DNA to destroy two good people! Somehow he has landed a job making 4 times any pay he had ever made! It’s all been conmen when I have looked beneath the “rug” but I am getting and barely living with his child support which feels like blood money. That alone may keep him vested in gaining access to the child so as not to pay me. He’d love me to pay him! I actually feel guilty I have my daughter while so many protective parents do not and have completely lost their children. This is definitely bizarro world. I was told by 2 high ranking state officials to “leave the state” when this first started and I thought they were nuts! I was an established business owner/ homeowner….blah blah but they were exactly correct. I had no idea.
I sometimes feel I was meant to expose this but like it has been said, it’s been going on so long and is so deeply rooted in the political world, it makes the Penn state scandal look like a small issue……
Milo, You know. I am sad that we all know and it’s so frustrating.
I guess when you lurk as long as I there’s a lot to say that was in your head to those who “get it”. It’s unfortunate society has embraced these types so much. It is great there is a web group where we can come and just be understood. So many of the stories sound just like others with only the names changing that this is really a “type” of human creature with very definable behaviors. Pschologists and psychiatrists would do well reading this site.
Eralyn,
I have a lot of respect for you. Your daughter has a tremendous mother. You are in a fight, with so many players on board, influencing how you and your daughter live your lives (which is the pits). The father of your daughter is an unhealthy, sick, twisted person (pretending to be a godly man). When (and if) your daughter has to be in his presence, I would be praying for divine intervention, that her whole person would be protected (shielded) from his evil. I pray that angels go with my kids during the day, helping me feel better about them. What’s happened to you and your daughter is unfair and wrong. I feel badly that your happy, peaceful life (that you and your daughter had) was disrupted by such a rotten person. My thoughts are with you, hoping that you can get back what was taken from you.
Bluejay,
Thank you for your kind words and I sure hope my daughter understands some day how much I tried to protect her. I also hope this trauma sets off no genetic disposition of personality disorder. Baby steps. Any mother who deals with this has my admiration and support. I know there are women who have put men through the ringer too. It’s bizarre beyond words and mentally taxing along with everything else.
He admitted to me he could pick “me” from a crowd but I am very sure it was my strength that put me in the crosshairs this long. If I would’ve acted hooked on him he’d have probably run away………I am sorry your kids have to be put through this and you sound very grounded.
Thank you again….
The family courts in this country are a joke and one big lie after another! Justice is a word from hundreds of years ago when it was and eye for an eye, and no political gain was in the near future. In the county I reside in( Lake County Indiana) the judges don’t ever want to hear what is happening in the personal lives of the children and loving parent. the destruction and lies, only who owes who and that settles it. The true victims left are the children and the one parent , mother or father( in our case father) who is left to clean up the mess, pick up the broken pieces and move forward with their lives if they can find the strength to do so. I had to quit working years ago as a legal advocate for the women and children here because I entered into the profession thinking I could make a difference and left realizing the corruption was so prevalent that only God could change things here! I got too close to those I wanted to help and became emotionally wrapped up in their lives filled with empathy. JUSTICE in a perfect world would be doing the right thing for the children…..no matter what that entails, but no, it instead is a quick fix, a boost out of court without explanation from those who really matter…a mirage. Our country will never be whole until we start putting our children, animals and true victims first, and leave the liars and sociopaths to rot in the jail cells we pay for!
Eralyn,
Boy am I ever grateful for this article. Thanks for speaking up. In May, I fled the state I lived in for 15 years, leaving behind the entire life I had built from the ground up. I’m really struggling where I am now. I decided to return back to my family of origin and all the dysfunction here. It’s been just awful, complete with the police and child protective showing up at my house due to a vindictive sibiling. I would never hurt my daughter, and have taken many, many actions to keep her safe.
Lately, I have been thinking about going home, despite Spathy and his antics. I read your article last night and have been thinking about it a lot today. Then, on Facebook today, showing my mom pictures of various friends and their children, etc, she wanted to see Spathy’s family. He has the same name as his father, but I wasn’t aware he had an account. He apparently opened it April 1, and there were many, many pictures of my daughter visiting him at the supervised visitation center. His profile picture is of him and my daughter. I wanted to vomit. My stomach literally hurt. I can CLEARLY see his spathiness in the photos, and my mom said he looked like he could be a really mean person. He was hamming it up really good for the monitor at the visitation center. My daughter (now 21 months old) looked like she was having a ball. I can only imagine the devestation he would bring to her life in the future. He has another little one, who is about 7 now, and she doesn’t look like the happiest camper in the pictures he posted of her.
Anyway, it really hit home, my baby girl is in much better shape 6,000 miles away from this man and his disordered family. Mine is pretty bad, but I don’t think I am going to be sticking around here very long.
My financial life is collapsing all around me. My career has come to a halt and everything I have ever known and cherished has been compromised EXCEPT for the love and connection with my little one. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I am challenged by everything that is going on. I’m stressed to the max, and my family has been adding to it, but I have to remember that in my family and all of the dysfuntional drama that comes with them, they are merely goldfish compared to the shark that is spathy. Somehow, because of the parents sharing the struggles of “co-parenting” with the nightmare that is a socipath, I can do this. I can rebuild my life from the ground up once more. This article, as well as the comments afterward, grounded me once more. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I will work hard to eliminate the fantasy of returning to my old life in the former state. Spathy can have it. My revenge will be living a good life, knowing how much I have over come and how hard I have worked to keep my darling one happy and healthy. I only hope that one day I can tell her the truth about him and not have her grow up resenting me for keeping him away.
LF family, I thank you for being my rock once more.
LPMarie ~
I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time since you moved. But, Marie it was your ONLY choice, the ONLY chance you had to keep that sweet little baby girl healthy and happy.
I know the feeling of seeing her picture with the monster on facebook. My daughter did the same thing. I just wanted to smash the computer and scream HOW DARE YOU. They want the world to see “their child”, “their possession”, “their pawn”. Do yourself a favor and don’t look anymore. That’s all he has is a picture and you must do all you can to keep it that way.
It may not seem like it now, in the middle of your chaos, but you did just what we talked about here. You saw that window of opportunity, that loop hole and you took advantage if it. Another week, month or year and that window might have closed for the next 18 years.
I just know things will get better for you. Maybe just a little at a time, but it will. Is there anywhere that you can make some healthy contacts, perhaps a local church or single mom’s group? You never know when someone may be able to help with a job search or proper daycare and just plain companionship, away from your family.
I’ll be thinking of you and the little muffin. ((((hugs)))) to you both.
MiLo
MiLo,
I have always treasured your words. And I really needed the support tonight, thank you so much 🙂 BIG (((HUGS)))
I did end up blocking him. I kept looking and looking and showing my parents the pictures and getting angry all over again. I decided it was unhealthy and the last thing I need in life right now is anything else that adds stress. Out of all of the pictures he could use, he chose one with her. Not his other daughter that he gets to see on a regular basis. You are so right. His pawn. My order of protection is up next week. I wasn’t sure how to extend it out of state and legal aid is not very helpful. I figure the best thing to do is to never let him find us, and it will be a non issue.
I am worried, though, because a good lawyer told me that I am required to provide him with my phone number and residential address. I got a new phone a few months back and the networks somehow automatically updated my contact list with numbers I had previously deleted. Out of all the numbers my daughter could have dialed while playing with the phone, she dialed Spathy’s dad! I pray that they don’t realize it was us. If he finds us, and I haven’t given him the updated address and phone number, I’m not sure what can happen to me for trying to cut him out of her life. I think the state I am in now is more protective of children than the one I left, but I do know it can be a crapshoot depending on the judge.
You would not believe the amount of judgment and drama I have encountered in trying to make new friends. I am now in a very protective mode. I do have a very nice neighbor who has a very critical mother, so she and I share war stories and help each other out at times. I’m thinking of bailing again. My daughter has bonded with Grandma and Papa, though, and though I feel they are not the greatest for me to be around, she really likes being around them and I am not so sure I want to take that from her. My sisters, on the other hand, have proven to be very destructive and vincictive toward me. I cannot be around them in any capacity.
I have been lucky enough to find some great Veterans organizations and have been networking with as many folks as possible trying to find a job. I have a few leads on daycares for the precious girl. I just feel wiped out with all the drama from my sisters. Monday I get to leave for a wekk and visit a long time friend in Florida. I haven’t seen her in several years and she hasn’t met my babes yet, so I”m very excited.
Thanks for helping me with your support. I count on this site to keep tings in perspective. You really hit the nail on the head and I need to constantly be reminded of how serious this disorder is and despite the intensity of the struggle, I have done my child a huge favor in the long run by sparing her a Spathy parent. You are 100% on the money. Another HUG!!!
Bethv, I am right there with you regarding the courts but I am literally fighting with my pea shooter and spit wads against their arsenal of weapons. I have the scars to prove it (as the single father w/shared custody of his boy that I was dating who I let go to protect from my spath says)! I have made baby steps in progress and while I have been fighting for my daughters safety, I have also behind the scenes hooked some moms up across the country and helped in tiny ways to help them to get some progress made. I really don’t like saying this but I sometimes wonder if I was meant to get in the trenches of this issue as I don’t stop at walls, I kick and (sometimes cry and beg them to move when tired) punch and break them down or go over or around them (or take a nap in front of them). I see so much corruption and I know it is in the trillions of dollars. If you look at the welfare system and the non-profits and faith based federally funded programs that are not being checked and balanced you see this “fatherhood initiative” has started a whole new chapter against feminism and families. I believe their goal is to use buzz words to pit fathers and mothers against each other and by the time they’re through everyone but the average joe will have made a lot of money on the backs of all of us while crumbs rolled down to us just enough to keep us all fighting for their causes they keep creating. It’s a sick cycle.
Yesterday I signed onto the Fathers Rights Board here (as I often do) and told them a little bit by bit! I want them to know they are tools or soldiers being used. I did it very slickly I hope as I think they think I am a man most of the time. I really believe this is an issue of saving the children from being used and the parents be it mother or father. I know good men can come across these evil people in female form and have. So I am hoping to get enough stirring to get someone to pick the ball up. I know it’s huge and a long term problem but I get it. So I have to speak about it.
Beth thank you for your validation and the help you attempted to give as an advocate. I am sorry things are the way they are. So many have come to see how huge this is. I get it…..
LPMarie ~
I want to tell you my concerns about your present situation, not to scare you, but to maybe bring up some things you have not thought of. Understand, I am by no means an expert, in anything and tend to be a bit paranoid where precious children are involved.
I understand that you had the court’s permission, in a way, to move out of state with the little muffin, so you did nothing illegal or wrong. However, this does not necessarily mean another court, in another state, will view your decision to “leave in the middle of the night” favorably. As an example, when we were first granted guardianship of our Grand, we had the right and actually a responsibility to seek any and all medical treatment he needed. We even told a court investigator, and it was in her report, that the first thing we wanted to do was to have him evaluated by a child psychologist. Our attorney told us we now legally could and should go ahead with this. We went ahead with the eval and also started him in therapy, which was highly recommended, “the earlier the better” for his diagnosis. The Magistrate that was assigned to our case was enraged by us doing this. He even made the statement, off the record, that he would never give such sneeky, underhanded people guardianship of a child. We were in this court for over a year and he brought this up constantly. Finally, we had to apply for custody, rather than guardianship, to get it into a different court, because this “legal” thing that we did was so irritating to him.
So, just as you have read, you NEED to avoid any and all courts. To do this, IMO, you cannot take a chance of being found. Do you think that moving near your family, possibly your home town doesn’t increase your chances of being found? If your spath went to court and had your address, the court can serve you papers and you may be forced to return to court. If they don’t have an address, they can’t do that.
The phone also worries me. Maybe those prepaid, throw away phones would be a better choice for you.
I understand that your little sweetie has bonded with her grandparents. Kids this age bond very easily and I am sure your parents are good to her and there are advantages to having them close. But, on the other hand, the family dynamic is causing you huge amounts of stress and it sounds like it is a rather toxic environment. This has an effect on a child that is probably more negative than removing her from people she has recently bonded with.
Again, IMO, you are thinking of bailing again, I think that is a good idea for all the reasons I mentioned above. Possibly during your trip to Florida you could check things out. Possibly the military presence in Flordia would give you avenues to check out. Don’t know just some ideas.
Please read and pay special attention to people on here like, CappacinoQueen, Eralyn and AnnieO. They are going through it right now, and they have excellent ideas and thoughts. The one thing you can depend on is the fact that you can NEVER TRUST A FAMILY COURT. Almost anything is better than that.
Please take care and again this is just my opinion trying to give you some thoughts to help out along the journey.
Best to you always – MiLo
Eralyn ~
Am pressed for time right now, but had to tell you I think posting on the Fathers’ Rights board was a very good idea. I definitely think there are fathers on there who would be 100% on your side and do not appreciate funds being used in the way that they are.
This is like so many things in our society today. There is a problem, good intentioned people step in to try to fix it and it gets carried to such a ridiculous extreme yet another monster is created. Something like the “zero tolerance” policies in schools, where common sense, examine the individual circumstances no longer exist. Then you have a child suspended from school for bringing in a plastic knife to cut a birthday cake with.
Stay strong and thank you for your efforts.