Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a woman whom we’ll call “Eralyn.”
I have been “lurking” (I guess it’s called) your site for quite some time. I want to thank you for your website as I am grateful to see people who know and understand the insanity of all of this.
I have decided to write to you as I read the posts of women who have very young children with a sociopath and they sound so much like me a decade ago that I cannot in good conscience keep quiet. While I don’t want to cause any more fear than they are already living with, I do want them to be warned and keep their guard up. They need to know the way things are going in the court system down the road.
Poking holes in the condom
My daughter is 13 years old and I have owned a small business for 21 years and a home for 18 years. Not so much as a traffic ticket and I have been a single mother for the entire time. I got pregnant by an out of character fling. I found out from his best friend “for some reason he’s picked you and be careful as he’s the type to poke holes in a condom.” I didn’t take heed to the warning and there I was. My spath said his best friend was a pathological liar. He was the liar. I found out much later.
During the pregnancy, I believe when he realized I wouldn’t marry him or the permanency of his actions, he made threats to cut my baby from stomach and kill us all. I found out when a SWAT team was at my home to save me. He was sent to an inpatient mental hospital and diagnosed with BPD w/anti-social traits and much, much more. Chronic Auditory Hallucinations of the devil.
I found out what I was dealing with over the next year or so and had the baby, I also thought, as your other posters say, that if I didn’t ask for child support, or if I played this a certain way, he’d leave us alone. My baby is the love of my life even at 13years old. I had 3 years orders of protection, was harassed, stalked, physical altercation and threats of harm, while attempting to raise the child on my own and remain sane. He wasn’t on the birth certificate. He would call here and there after his drug life increased and I would simply appease him until the next time he called, never asking about the child.
Father in jail
He was finally incarcerated April of 2007 on several financial felonies. (relief) He sent me a letter after being in for 2 years and no contact. Someone gave him my address. Said we’d be together wholly and completely as he had prayed for 680 days. I responded forgetting who/what I was dealing with, to please just leave us alone. (He thanked me for the scent on the letter; there was no scent.)The child doesn’t know him and he has brought nothing but drama, trauma and upset to our lives.
This started the next 3 and a half years of the destruction of our lives through family courts in Arizona. He filed from his prison cell for all rights and had a “senior pastor (of a home church) licensed professional counselor, expert witness” who had been involved in our lives when the baby was an infant, write a letter on his behalf. It took 2 years for the state to investigate this psychologist/pastor due to my complaint, and he has since lost his psychology license and is of the same caliber of person as the father, only cleaner cut.
His letter caused much damage to our case. The father’s criminal record, mental record, domestic violence against me—all of it was disregarded by the courts as “too old.” Two months prior to his release from prison, he became the “prison chaplain clerk.” He was released 8/09. He appears to have gotten so much backing nobody can believe it. He was filing 3 to 5 (many of them perjured) motions per week from his prison cell starting 4/09 and then came court.
Well-rounded child
I was terrified. This little loving 10 year old had to find out her father was a criminal who was just being released from prison and demanding to be in her life. I knew it was revenge. He called his aunt and said, “We’re going to prove her clinically insane.” It was laughable at first. I never came up for air in the first 2 years and screamed and cried for help begging, as I knew he was going to emotionally abuse this child severely.
She was a “well-rounded, pleasure to have in class” little girl who didn’t know about the evils of these types of people. She helped the handicapped children at school, was an honor roll student and a purple belt heading to her black belt in karate. Our whole world imploded. He appeared to have financial backing of “fathers’ rights attorneys,” “faith based prison reentry program,” “work reentry program making $180,000 per year” (he had never made $40k per year) federal funding?
Reunification
I was ordered to provide any and all medical records of mine to the courts from my whole life, including 8 years taxes, 8 years bank statements, business and personal, ordered to counseling and so was the child, due to her resisting reunification. I was blamed for his telling the child of his prison history, drug history, crimes and a picture he showed her on his phone at their first meeting of his butt! This was told by my daughter to his aunt and not to me, so you’d think they would’ve believed it. He told her I wanted to abort her (a threat from birth out) and she was not aborted because of him and sucked the joy and peace from both of our lives. Plus much more.
At one point I had to defend against emergency psych exam for me and put child at risk of foster care until I could be evaluated. At least my attorney told his attorney that she was bordering on misconduct, although it seemed like the border was gone. This attorney had something to do with the home church.
My daughter became suicidal and self-harming and her grades dropped. She quit karate. She stopped helping kids at school. This nightmare is unbelievable to anyone who hasn’t dealt with this type of monster and the way the family courts facilitate this abuse on to unsuspecting honorable citizens. The reunification therapist “was right with her God” and wrote 8 letters against the child and myself as she bought into the father’s early arrivals so “he could pray” before meeting with his daughter.
Terminate the rights
Ok, so needless to say, I am getting upset telling my story. I want you to tell your readers and mothers whose babies have been the light of their life with a sociopathic father that ANY loophole or opportunity to terminate the spaths right’s should be taken. All the healing they have done is at risk if their guard goes down prior to their children’s 18th birthday. This can happen to them.
We are mere shells of the people we once were. I have basically lost my business and I am trying to save our home. The courts won’t help if spath comes back with a better story years from now. They have rights and God forbid they learn more criminal behavior and get the benefits of being a criminal who has done just enough time to get all the backing of the system.
My daughter finally recorded one of the abusive reunification sessions where they spent an hour arguing and bashing me, and I was sanctioned by the judge, accused of “wiring my child” and being the most reprehensible mother his attorney had ever had contact with in family courts????? I had nothing to do with the recording, but it stopped this particular therapist and I agreed to a sanction so the child would never go back to that therapist again.
Child is traumatized
The new one sees the truth and has told the courts how traumatized the child is from “whatever happened in the prior sessions,” and we are waiting on the judge’s recommendation for the child. The father would still like to see her after he quit the meetings in May when he realized this therapist saw through him. (It disgusts me that I am used to referring to her as “the child,” now since every word you speak is subject to scrutiny in this terroristic court system.)
We have 5 more years it appears, and there is so much more to this story. I am grateful I could come to Lovefraud and at least know others see these cruel creatures for what they are.
Thank you, Donna. I am giving you this info so you can decide if or how you may warn or help the mothers who are fighting to protect their young children. I thought I was safely in the clear and had done everything right and recovered for the most part from the trauma of the beginning with this man. It just didn’t matter. There is very little help for us.
LPMarie13,
I read your comment and cried. My heart wanted to explode I think reading your plight and it sounding so similar and I want you to succeed and your child to have a wonderful life. Two things will help you I think and one is if your ex is NOT financially well off and the other is if the state you are in or he is in charges back child support as that tends to scare some of them away. My state goes back only 3 years even though federal law says every child should be supported by 2 parents, I raised her and paid everything by myself for over a decade. He attempted to have those 3 years figured at .20 per hour, prison wages!!!!!! I was so angry! I testified in court his letter said he was making $3 per hour as the prison chaplain clerk so I didn’t know where this .20 per hour is coming from. They found in my favor on that one. Especialy since he obtained a job with 7 new financial felonies as regional sales manager at an A/C company quadrupling any pay he ever made! It’s so bizarre.
I am concerned about some things you have said about where you are. Facebook is dangerous. Please remember this. I am worried about sibling issues and if they are nasty enough to call CPS on you, do you believe they won’t let him know where you are at some point? I would keep these things in mind. Try to tell yourself you are living a mindful life and a strategic life rather than a life of fear and looking over your shoulder. I have to do this or the trapped feelings overwhelm me. I moved to a different house from my home of 15 years prior to his release from prison so he wouldn’t be at my doorstep. I was on his victim notification list upon release from prison and there was to be no contact per his parole but I guess family court didn’t count and neither did his texts, calls, showing up at my tenants door looking for us. UGH.
I struggled with that move for a year and a half. He found us and tormented my daughter with knowing our address and her school with subtle comments about the pool in our backyard and the street we drove home on and she even wore a disguise in the reunification meetings as she was so scared this criminal was her dad for over a year! I thought she would get rid of the disguise once she got comfortable with him but let me tell you, he exacted every threat he ever made on this child over a decade later. She hated him. She ran away from the office and into an office which by fluke was a trauma counselors office and there was a dog which is why she ran there. She was crying and begging this woman to help her. Nobody was listening to her mommy and she didn’t want to be here please help her. Well they came walking in and took her back into the office. (I was oredered not to be on the property during those meetings, ordered into the meetings, in the waiting room etc etc) My child was literally tortured in these meetings emotionally. There were over 50 of them. That trauma counselor was afraid to get involved and by fluke I ran into her a few times. She felt horrible. My daughter was old enough to tell him NO PICTURES OF ME. I found out later she was afraid he could get her on the street at school or in public so she didn’t want him to recognize her. It’s all game for them. Mine hasn’t been a parent and is too much of an egomaniac to share a picture of himself for facebook with anyone except his mug or part of his game which I am sure your child is “look at me and my child who has been taken away from me” type picture. blah blah
If I were you, I would attempt to learn everything I could with the time you have with him out of your childs life about the laws of family court in your area and his area and find out if worst case scenario happened what jurisdiction you would have to go through if he did find you God forbid. If you have to reinvent yourself in your life career, I would think about getting involved with the largest family law firm in my area as a paralegal or something. If you can’t stomach that see if there is an area you would be interested in that would empower you with this sucker if he finds you like maybe the MEDIA! That would be so good! Just a thought. Think strategically and building foundation. I know how the family of origin can be. Consider how you are going to empower your child to be strong and identify wrong minded people so if the spath ever comes into their life they have some critical thinking skills about how people should treat them. One huge thing I taught my daughter which strengthened her was “your feelings are yours and not open for argument. If someone argues with your feelings tell them you have the right to feel the way you do and I have the right to feel the way I do”. This was a biggie in empowerment. I also taught her about “jokes are supposed to be funny” and watch out for people who call hurtful things JOKES. “I was just joking/kidding” but hey that hurt! I never spoke badly about her father and I didn’t allow anyone else to do it and I am not sure if that set her up for a huge let down or if it helped. I know when he badmouthed me it made her fearcely mad because she knew I never talked badly about him. I do think there must be some way to let your child know you keeping them safe and how much you love them. I always told my daughter that I would help her find her father if that was what she wanted but not until I felt it was a safe age. So that got her thinking I suppose.
I could write three books to you I am finding so I will stop but these are things that have come to my mind and I want you to have safety, security, joy and peace in your life. Do not go back unless you are ready to co-parent with the father unsupervised and maybe even lose custody and pay him child support in the very very worst case scenario. It happens here every week in family courts so do not believe it can’t happen to you. It can. I am sorry for that.
One more thing, I was watching Donnas lovefraud videos and of course all are important but one I must say is I pride myself on being honest and keeping promises. She tells you in the video how she feels about promises to a sociopath and I agree. Give yourself permission to not only not keep your promises when it comes to them but if you tell a little lie for the greater don’t hold it against yourself as this is a very big tool they will use against you.
You are no longer living on the front lines of the battle where you shoot at them they shoot at you and somebody loses or you run, you are now in special ops if you know what I mean. It’s all strategic and mindfull. Going at a spath head on just harms us for some reason.
If you haven’t yet take a look at Donnas videos of spaths.
Sorry so long. I hope you got through it and it helped! HUGS
Dear Marie,
I agree with Milo, I think if you can possibly GET AWAY from your dysfunctional family and your sibling that is causing you problems.
Staying around where people will undercut you and take “revenge” on you for whatever reasons is NOT A HEALTHY OPTION.
I know you may feel that your options (financially) are limited, but sometimes it is better to live in a card board box than in a nest of vipers. Have you considered contacting a shelter? It might be a better option. Take care. Contact me off line if you would like, my e mail is under Joyce Alexander on the LoveFraud authors list. God bless.
MiLo, Eralyn, and Ox Drover,
Thank you. I have so much to think about. I have barely slept the past few weeks. I am wiped out. I do not have a lot of time to respond right now, but I wanted to be sure to let you all know I have read your words and have some of the same fears, especially the vindictive family ones.
Ox, I tried to find the email for you under authors and I couldn’t. I would love to email you directly. Can you post it on the blog, please?
Thanks all.
Milo,
I didn’t read your response to LPMarie until I had drafted my short novel to her. 😉 I totally agree with everything you say. It’s not paranoid. It is not! It is true. It is wrong. I was pacing the floor when I read your suggestion to LP as it is so wrong for anyone to have to go underground or rip their life away to run from these monsters and the “system” which is enabling them to this point. It is sick! Makes me madder than crap and I hope some progress gets made so badly as this is ridiculous but oh so true!
I hope that my posts on fathers rights helps wake them up as I have been doing for quite some time with them. I jab them when they are talking along the lines that will help all like taking immunity from the crooked reunification therapists. I got all over that when that came up as there are more of them than there are of me (is of me? lol). That would help everyone so I poke em and try to light a fire under them to keep going with that one. Thanks for your input.
LPMarie13 , I am sorry to say this but I have to. I agree as strangely as this sounds and extreme as it may appear or paranoid, wholeheartedly with Milos comment. Please know I commented not seeing her comment to you and it sounds very similar.
About that phone thing, get rid of his number somehow. Throw away phone # or whatever. This is going to sound strange but even my daughter knows, my phone has dialled his # which I have programmed in my phone under certain initials from accidently answering his calls I have hundreds of contacts in my phone. I would say 50% of the time I have accidentally dialed from my phone it dials HIM! It’s the weirdest creepiest thing. There is no reason I can come up with that this happens but it is dangerous! I was at the urgent care as my daughter fell in the shower and blacked out and my phone dialled him! I looked down at my phone in my purse and shut it off! I was in Wallyworld (walmart) with my daughter and we were having a very serious discussion about lying and friends etc. I was angry and when I put my purse in the cart my phone called him! When I saw my phone minutes running and his # I was like a caged animal running through my mind what he may have heard if he recorded it, how it could be used against me etc etc. I don’t know why this happens but it does. Just take precautions. I don’t know but I got chills when you said your child dialed his number. Change your #. Change your phone if it is safer. Get a separate one or whatever it takes. I was warned. I didn’t believe it could be this bad but it is. I have asked an advocate agency for children in my area “do the judges EVER find in the best interest of the children and protect the child?” She sat and thought about it. One time. One time in a different county in the 10 years she’s been doing this. So I guess we must deal with this big secret truthfully now that we know. Start educating people and ourselves but do not deny. I could go on and on with examples. So I will just say it’s a different way of life and we here, know this. You will adjust to the facts and if you don’t believe it’s that bad, be careful. Go to family court and watch some trials in your area if you can. I did. The day I chose to go I picked one of two trials I had written down just to see how they go. The one I decided on was a mother of 2 with a new man in her life. The children were well taken care of and then there was dad. He looked good in court. Until I found out he was a homeless junky who was taking his kids to sleep in his car every other weekend and telling them he locked his keys in his residence that’s why they were sleeping in the car. The mom had pictures of syringes in the back seat of the car and proof the cops had run him out of parking lots and proof he had been evicted 5 times in the past year! The judge asked him a few questions and he gave the judge a new address with a story but no proof he lived there and he kept his visitation. Now for the horrible punchline of this story. The trial I chose not to watch………the mother jumped out on the freeway from the backseat of her mothers car and killed herself after losing custody that day in court! I read her case before they “sealed” it. It was a tragedy, travesty etc and so on. It’s what is happening. Liars give the judge an excuse to find in their favor and there is no accountability for deaths of mothers, fathers, children so justice seems to have left the building……….. I am sorry. I was hysterical after this experience but you can bet I fought like a lunatic or maybe a sane person. (smile, don’t know for sure anymore)
Good luck LPMarie. I am here if you need to ask any questions or you just want to vent about it. You can do this.
Eralyn,
I read your response. I feel so freaking overwhelmed. The year leading up to me fleeing was so stressful and then the move and now all the drama here. I’m going to see a long time friend (we worked together in high school and maintained our friendship all these years) tomorrow for the next week. She said we could “brainstorm.” She remembers how awful and vindictive my family is. I feel stuck. I have a little money and it’s rapidly draining away, so know that I need to move fast. Maybe I need to become a “homeless veteran” in order to secure the help I need. I went to one of the vet angencies for help, and because I had paid my own security deposit and rent prior to coming in, I wasn’t eligible for support. Had I been delinquent, I would have been. I was thinking about the phone number and how I sent out my resume all over this area with my address and phone number on it. With the best of intentions. Trying to become employed once more, etc.
Some days I just cry and cannot believe this is my life. I do have those moments of self pity where I am floored by the brutality of it all. I have busted my ass since I was a 16 year old girl and built a comfortable little life for myself that would have provided okay enough for my little one. I am by no means well off. I was selling my condo in a short sale where I left and the buyer cancelled the sale b/c he found out he has cancer. I felt terrible for him, and completely understood needing to do that. I’m stuck still paying on that place and paying rent where I live now.
I want to move from here and never be found. Spathy is not well off, but his parents are and his mom is a lot like him. I think she would fund his attacks. I’m not even sure what to do/say/think/feel anymore. I cry like everyday. My daughter looks at me and says “Mommy sad.” And I don’t want to show her a sad Mommy. I try to take her away to do something fun most days. I take her to a sprinkler park and watch her run around, screeching with joy. And I think about how desperately I am fighting to keep that joy in her. I want some of it myself. I feel so beat down. I can’t even make sense of things right now. But thank you for reaching out to me. I have very little support and I have never felt lonlier in my life.
Marie, there used to be a little category of a mini-bio of each of the authors along with a photo of us and a contact information and I couldn’t find it either…but it is g mail and it is oxdrover1946 at g mail. I wrote it like that so a bot won’t pick it up. if you have trouble contacting me through that,, let me know.
Ox,
I found it and emailed you. When you go under the authors tab, it’s under the heading “about.” I am still perseverent 😉 That’s good news for me, right?
LPMarie,
We need to find a way to help people be identified that need help and then make that help readily available. Not something governmental but something “private sector” is my thought.
You are strong. It is not going to be easy but you will survive this. You sound like me. I started on my own at age 17 and started my business when I was 25 building a foundation to be independent of my family of origin.
Children are overwhelming and amazing all at once. Consider keeping a gratitude journal so you can think of at least 3 things per day that happened you are grateful for. I remember I got so down that the best one I came up with one day was that I polished my nails and didn’t ruin them before they dried. lol….You have more freedom to figure this out right now due to your childs age. That’s a good one.
The upper government officials I spoke with, knew what I was dealing with and 2 suggestions were made. 1. Leave the state. or 2. Enter a shelter. ??? They knew my business and knew I owned a home but this was the advice. I realized too late that I was left with a lack of support from anyone who could help or understand much. I still have my home but my business has all but disintegrated after over 20 years…..Financial problems make me nuts. I had excellent credit when this started. Now I owe everyone and thousands. I have spent tens of thousands I didn’t even know I had and have lost a quarter of a million dollars during the 3 + years if you count the equity I lost from the economy in my home. We can survive this and will. I have heard alot more success with those who have left the state for some reason than those who have stayed.
Eralyn,
I didn’t have my own business, but I can relate to your experience. Currently, I have excellent credit but this will shortly change due to the short sale. I could kick myself. The condo purchase was another scheme of Spathy’s, so he could live right up the street from the beach he loved to surf at. I went along with it, though. He’s not on the mortgage, so at least I can be grateful I have escaped that kind of nightmare. At this rate, it may end in foreclosure. I think I’m being stupid at this point to continue to pay on the condo when our future is so uncertain. I have a lot of debt, too. I was so proud that in 2008 I had a huge mountain of credit card debt that I have been digging myself out of. I’m almost there, and now it looks like my credit will be destroyed despite the hard work and discipline it took. If I want the glass half full attitude, I suppose I should look at it as all the available credit I now have if we do get into an emergency with finances. I appreciate your gratitude suggestion. I’ve been getting really hard on myself. Just a few minutes ago, I heated my daughter up a frozen pizza and cut it up into little triangles thinking about how I used to make her home cooked meals that were balanced and healthy. But guess what? She was happy as a clam when I set it down with her Elmo juicebox! I need to ease up on myself and stop looking at the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s as another LF mama coparenting with a S has suggested in recent weeks. I have a fighting chance now that we left there. It was just a bad mistake to come here. It’s wearing me out here.
Marie – go get “muffin” a bottle of bubbles and let her blow them in the kitchen, like you did on Christmas.
You WILL be OK.