By | February 5, 2012 47 Comments


Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from the reader who posts as “Duped no more!”

{A brief definition of my breaking NC, after almost 9 months, and a brief explanation of the experience and what I would say if I had to explain it to someone else. I had to send it to myself because there is nobody else but you who would understand ”¦}

“I went back for you, with my heart in my hand and you just devoured it with no care nor consceince.”

Nothing has changed; don’t listen no more; don’t go back!

This is it.

I have seen and heard what I needed to and now it’s time to move forward once and for all.

I have set myself free. The last few text messages that I sent, that have gone unanswered, are the last I am ever going to speak to him.

His love bombing didn’t work. In fact, it has only made me hate him more. NOW I am more determined than ever but I heard everything I needed to hear. EVERYTHING. Even more cunning than I had originally thought. That’s all right, I will keep standing this time ”¦ I am stronger than he is and as long as I am right here, where I live, around the people who live around me, I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY FOR my safety from him. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS to show his putrid face around here anymore. He PROVED that to me, by what he said about the last time he threatened me ”¦ he knows. “I saw the display of police presence while I was there the last time; bravo. Job well done! And I hadn’t even done anything, that time. I shudder to think what would happen to me if I actually DID do something.” ”¦ I am glad he remembers.

It is sad our friendship has come to this. But, with a psychopath, it always comes to this.

He was just ‘phishing’ (this time) to see what he could get and he isn’t getting it from me.

The intrusion wasn’t based on any sort of ‘affection’ but one of ‘self serving nosiness’. An agenda, with an intent.

When the opportunity presented itself, for me to look it in the eye <so to speak>, one more time, I took the opportunity to smell it and taste it and I found out that I was indeed, absolutely correct in my assumption of the situation. It has made me more resolved. But, I was able to do this from somewhat of a great distance. And, I have LOTS of ‘back up.’ DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS!

I am banishing the demon back to the cave from which it came, lest it devour me.

I have never witnessed such madness. Shocking and overwhelming. Yet, to others, as charming as a newborn baby.

Why, one would never suspect anything at all and most don’t.

I am getting strong and I am stabilized in my health; he is on the verge of ruining me again and I am not letting that happen.

I can’t believe there are people like this in our life!!! OMG: how ugly and horrid. Seems the nicer you are to them, the more they want to devour you. That’s all right, I informed him of my thinking of ‘going active’ ”¦ let him chew on that a while.

Then with my second farewell ”¦ I am not putting up with this bullshit no more. I have had it. He is going NOWHERE with his LOSER LIFE and the more you try to help him and be nice to him, the more you become a target for him so I am just done with it all. These people have no conscience about themselves other than what they want and will suck your life blood from you if you let them.

I have learned my lesson about NC; however, I had to go back and see it for myself.

I had to see for myself, just one more time and I have seen it and tasted it. I don’t want no more madness in my life.

I told him he was a lunatic the way he acts and he truly is. It can be very scary but I have learned that they are like they are because THEY are more scared of US than we are of them and that is why they hate us.

My advice to anyone = run away as fast and as quickly as you can and don’t look back. It isn’t ever going to change. Our believing in them only feeds their ego and their power ”¦ believe in yourself instead. It’s the only way to survive. Take care of yourself; look out for yourself. Surround yourself with beautiful and happy things and nice people and it will permeate your life. If you are constantly surrounded by darkness and sadness and sorrow, your life will become that as well. We can push the darkness out and away with the light. It starts with us, you and me.

I have a little life left and I plan on doing what makes ME HAPPY.

He and all his ‘minions’ can go straight back to the hell they came from.

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Ox Drover

Dupey, I am glad that you have finally proven to yourself that NC NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to handle them. At least with the contact you had it was only by way of communications, not physical contact, and that you did not “fall for” the attempts to lure you back in.

The danger in breaking NC is that too many times we DO fall for the love bombs and we allow them to reel us back in for another round of abuse.

This danger is so much that I would caution others who may be tempted to have contact JUST ONE MORE TIME to realize the real danger in doing so.

Congratulations on surviving your breaking of NC, too many don’t survive. God bless.


Ox: Thanks. Definitely, I am blessed surviving this experience. The only reason I took advantage of this was because he was and is so far away…I realize that for most others, there is real danger in breaking NC and I would not suggest it if you are in any way in a dangerous or threatening situation.

If he lived in my city, in my town or had access to me, I would never have done it. But, I did and I am happy I did because now, instead of alienating the situation from me, I can ‘settle’ it within me and inside of me….

Yes, there has been no physical contact since last May. I strictly forbid visits and/or phone calls anymore. Texting or IM’ing is the extent of our relationship anymore. And then it is with immense and great reserves, trust me.

I have heard all the conniving and spinning and web weaving and dramarama….I am not going back to that.

Let me say again, what I have said here, so many times before…

The ONLY reason “I” am so confident is because I have lots and lots and lots and lots of back up. There is NO WAY a sudden burst of temper tantrum can reach me anymore. So please take heed. This is not something I would have tried had I not had the necessary security around me. Trust me.

Yes: NC is the only way to go. Even if it is only chatting by text because the poison seeps through the messages, straight through your eyeballs and burns themselves into your soul. It is easier being WITHOUT the contact. Easier still, finding that indifference…

Peace and love to you all.

anam cara

Looking back it’s facinating to “see” spathy’s manipulations and attempts at control. Family home valued by professional surveyor at half what spathy believes it’s worth and of course she has to be right! I declared an interest in buying it at the valuation price, which was actually over-valued in a crashed market. Spathy saw this as a problem and a ploy by me to buy for less, when in fact it was the solution. She “had anticipated this from the the start”. Due legal process would take 6 months and no amount of interference would change that. I couldn’t understand why she was acting this way. I had no secret agenda. My mind doesn’t work that way. I’m honest to a fault and way to trusting. I now see that this is her M O. Because that’s the twisted way her mind works, it’s the only way she understands and she expects others to think the same as her. Anyway, she went into full combat mode.
E-mailed sols. “her and husband would buy house, as this is in the interests of the estate”. I didn’t respond as I thought it best to allow due process. Next, “put it up for rent, as this is in the interests of the estate”. Then, put it on the open market, as this is in the interests of the estate”. Because I did not engage with her manipulations, she upped the anti! Now, “other parties were interested in buying” (her and my enabler brother) and the implication being that I was acting against the interests of the estate!
When none of these antics worked, she sent me a threatening e-mail saying “SHE was sick and tired of MY stupid games!” All I had done was asked to buy the family home at the valuation amount when due process was complete 6 months hence. She has her own selfish agenda in all her dealings andI realise now it’s all about power and control. Your not allowed to have an opinion if it differs from hers. Textbook spathy.


Hang in there anam cara….
Our thoughts and wishes are with you…


anam cara

I visited Mum and Dad every other week for over 22 years. I had young family and elderly parents who lived 60 miles away-round trip. Spathy has one son of 25. She became Dad’s carer after Mum died. She went to bed at 9pm having had her daily drink. Fortunately, I chose to stay over that night. I was having one glass of wine and “talking” to Mum as her and I used to do. I heard a thud and shot upstairs in 5 seconds flat. Dad had fallen out of bed and on top of a portable heater, up full, 24/7. I pushed the heater away and helped him back to bed. The next day I told her what had happened and she said “That concerns me” Only later I realised that her concern was for herself. She, as our father’s carer, would have been in HUGE trouble with social services. It doesn’t bear thinking about the burns Dad would have suffered because she was out cold/asleep!



“You are not allowed to have an opinion…..” period. Full stop. IMO that sums up the experience I had. He rubbished my opinions. On everything! And what experience did he have. What worldly experience? None.

Stay strong my friend. Be resolute in your opinions. Follow your star. Stay true to you

Dearest Dupey,
Just what I needed to hear. It is still contacting and intruding. And oh yes do I identify with what you said about feeling ever so slightly smug that he wants what he can’t have. Me.
You know, I would go as far to say he only wants another bite at the cherry so he can say nah, it’s not working. The power I have in just ignoring him is oh so satisfying!!

Thanks Dupey doo. So glad you’re ok. I worry bout you friend but I see you are a strong woman too! Towanda flower!

Ps snow here in Yorkshire. It’s so beautiful. Hugs to you

SW xx


Before I was able to go NC I allowed myself to be in his presence on at least 3 occasions – two of which he was desperate to escape – both in psych hospitals and he attempted to use me as a hostage – fortunately my 6th sense kicked in enough to help me maintain a safe enough distance (all of 5 feet) to allow the proper authorities to intervene and lock him up before he could get his hands around my throat.

Dummy me kept thinking he would get better and he was “just sick” and once recovered he would be the “great guy” I first knew. HA HA HA HA HA HA H A HAHAHAHAHA….

God must want me to live long enough to raise my kids and share the following message: RUN FOLKS – RUN RUN RUN RUN…. And DO NOT LOOK BACK


My prayers and best wishes are with you.

I wish you many blessings.


strongawoman: my little Yorkshire Flower…
Oh yes, our opinions are not important. They are the ones who know everything – just ask them and they will tell you…..

still stalking and intruding; hm? It takes a while for it to sink in. Just make sure you are safe and secure; alright? Who knows what kind of evilness lurks in the ‘twisted’ mind? Hm? BE SAFE.

Yes, somewhat ‘smug’, if I wasn’t so sure it was ‘love bombing’ and trying to ‘enlist’ me in the army again! Nope, I have nothing further to contribute to this now ‘one sided relationship’.

Oh yes, NC gives us that empowerment. We are able to take our life back and say: “No, this is unacceptable.” It’s the only way to prove the point. Completely. Absolutely.

My ‘demon’ will be going back into it’s cave, again, shortly.
It’s about the only thing I can be really sure of, at this point.
Because nothing has changed; nothing will ever change. I am wasting what life “I” have on someone who just doesn’t care and never really has. I was a ‘trick’ a ‘lie’…all of it.

That truly deserves hatred and bitterness and all the rest of those ugly action verbs that go along with it, but you know what? They really aren’t even worth the spike in blood pressure; trust me, I KNOW.

We are strong, strongawoman…very strong.
We were made, as women, to bare great sorrows and pain and sufferings and we never give up but forge ahead. This is no different. We shall be victorious and our virtues will mark us as the people we are.

Love and hugs to my Yorkshire Flower and the Yorkshire snow.


Wow, I actually said that to the spath once: Go back to hell where you came from.

That is really the feeling they give. Evil. Something not of this world. Something truly from hell, a kind of demon. It is incomprehensible how they function.

I laughed aloud when she said that she called him a lunatic. Nice word 🙂

It is interesting that she went back to “check.” I think it was Oxy who described that as going back inside a burning house to see if it is still on fire. Sometimes I want to call up the ex spath just to ramble in his ear that I am AWESOME and he was WRONG about me, that I’m not a crazy psycho bipolar demented demonic suicidal whore, as he told me I was daily. I want to call him up and say that people find me nice, that I love my curves and don’t think I’m fat, and I really want to say, “I LEFT YOU. YOU LOSE! You may have won all those battles, but I won the WAR!” Yet by even calling him, he gets something.

We have to realize that, to them, any attention is attention, good or bad. If we contact them at all, they know they still “have you” in some way. Ignoring them completely, forever, without a word as to where you went or who you are with or how happy you are, without even a need to have the final word, as though we really just don’t give a s**t anymore, THAT is what will really get back at them. That is the one thing they weren’t thinking could happen. They are used to having supply on a string forever, many of them, just rotating. But we are the one that GOT AWAY. Let that burn him alive. And even if we aren’t completely over it and we still DO give a s**t, don’t let them know that. They’ll never know that inside, we’re still crying and torn to bits. The grey rock will not be seen through 🙂 NO CONTACT!

And I hope the writer of this post really does NOT ever talk to this guy ever again.

OH it’s Duped no More who wrote it. Okay. Hello Duped. So glad you got away from him. Why haven’t the texts stopped? This guy is not even worth the time and effort it takes to lift a finger and make a text message. Can’t you change your number?


You deserve the freedom of him being ancient, ancient history and nowhere near your present moment.

Also it is 1am here. Goodnight all. I am sweepy.

Ox Drover


I’m glad that you are getting enough to eat now at least….and taking care of YOU FIRST….until you can take care of yourself FIRST there must not be energy given to ANYTHING or any one else or you will sink trying to ‘save” someone else. It is sort of like trying to save a swimmer when you are not able yourself to swim…no matter how much we want to save them, we have to save our self FIRST or we will BOTH go to the bottom.

I’m not sure it was me that said that about breaking NC being like going back inside the burning house to see if it was still on fire…but I think that is a good one anyway! SO TRUE!!!!

Keep well! ((hugs))) and…keep in touch!


Duped, for heaven’s sake, change you number, change your email, change any means of communication he has with you.

I promise it will be a huge step toward true healing. Even if neither of yoy engage in any further communication, the act of getting rid of anything and everything that reminds you of the ex spath, including phone numbers, is incredibly liberating.

God bless.


Duped no more: I’m in favor of whatever brings us empowerment. I know for myself, I had to break NC after a week or two because I didn’t totally understand what he was. I wasn’t 100% convinced that he didn’t love me. So I had one of my gf’s call him and 3-way me in (unbeknownst to him). I heard him being sweet as pie to her as he convinced her how much he cares about me and how his behaviors toward me were caused by things outside his control. She hung up with him and told me how sweet and sincere he was. He had fooled her too! But during that conversation, I heard him tell her 3 blatant lies. She didn’t know he was lying, but I knew. That was what it took. I had to hear him lying again. There was no doubt in my mind after that. It really takes a huge mental shift to wrap your mind around the kind of game-playing a spath does. So I say do whatever it takes to empower yourself. NC works but it works better when you do it deliberately and without hesitation.



Peace and love to you…



Star: our relationship has been very involved. Almost indescribably involved. I had to take this chance to see it for myself. I know everyone thinks I should just NC him and let that be the end of it and I did, for 8-1/2 months and those 8-1/2 months were the best months of the last 6 years of my life! Seriously.

After having read and researched and studied and attended therapy and come through the most absolute, horrid, ugliest time of my entire life and I have seen a lot of those kinds of moments, I know, now, after having broken that NC, that what I thought was so, really “IS” so. I catch him in lies and gas lighting and web spinning…’s very sad, actually. I hear such delusional thoughts.

Yes, NC works but it works better when you do it deliberately and without hesitation. You are absolutely right. I did mine, originally, without hesitation and deliberately. NC was broken because I was asked to deliver an important message which I did. Immediate love bombing took place. After that, pity ploys; after that, when it wasn’t getting a response, RAGE. I saw it all.

I had to take the chance that was before me to put it to rest inside my mind. When I implemented NC, 9 months ago, now, I did so with fury and resentment and anger…this time was different. I was able to see it from a different perspective – and one, I MIGHT ADD: has him a thousand miles away from me, over IM…what a perfect opportunity to once again, resolve to myself. It has been very empowering for me. Immensely. Knowing I don’t have to talk to him but I am….I don’t want to be wrong. This is way too important to me to be wrong. And, I know I am not wrong…

Acceptance is a huge part of healing. Accepting the truths.
And all those flashing red flags are there….

No longer does my heart grieve…..
it’s just in indifference now.

Thanks Star for understanding and relating.
You just gave me the HUG OF THE DAY from your understanding.

xxoo Dupey Doo Duh


Duped, I recently had a situation where I brought a guy back into my life that I should have left alone. You have probably read about my neighbor……long story.

Anyway, I always had a doubt in my mind that maybe something could have happened with him, even though our past contacts had left me feeling hurt and confused.

So after A YEAR of thinking about it and going back and forth….should I? Shouldn’t I? I FINALLY ran into him at the gym and engineered a lunch date. I finally got an answer to my nagging question, “Would it have worked between us? Could it? Was there something I did?” The answer is that NO it could not have worked. We are both 180 degrees different in our needs and our personalities. Being around him brings out the very worst in me. I can see it clearly now. But I had to know. It was a painful pill to swallow – I am still attracted to him. But at least now there are no doubts. If I’d known all along what I know now, I never would have reached out to him again. But sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do to move on with our lives, you know?

I will probably always be attracted to him. There is definitely some connection there. But it’s not one that I want to pursue anymore. So I can move on now without hesitation.


Duped, we posted over each other. I just wanted to say that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks. In the end, you have to do what is right for YOU! And if you make a mistake, it’s YOUR mistake and YOUR lesson to learn. That’s what life is for.

Hugs back atcha,


Ox Drover

Star, Sexual “attraction” to someone can be a powerful draw….and in his case, the “attraction” was obviously fleeting (which can be a painful thing when we have it and they don’t) once he made the conquest, he was done. That sounds pretty shallow to me, especially as he didn’t even SPEAK to you after that and treated you like a potted plant around the apartment complex (sheety way of breaking off a sexual affair , if not a “relationship” in my opinion.) A way that shows disrespect to you.

I would say 99.9% of the time going back and even trying to be “friends” with this kind of person is a waste of time, because he has already SHOWN you that he is shallow in his relationships, even ones involving sexual intimacy which he obviously didn’t take as seriously as you did.

That’s why when I got the “olive branch” in the christmas card from my ex friend, I wasn’t about to pick up that “friendship” and restart that relationshit (even though there was no sex involved, just “friendship” and companionship and mutual interest activities.)


Ox Drover

ps Star, I have seen tremendous growth in your posts though over the past few months, just wanted to put that in there as well!


Dear Star: Thank you for your words. xxoo
Yes, in the end we all have to do what is best for us.
If I make a mistake, it’s MY mistake and MY lesson to learn. That IS what ‘life’ is all about. But in this case, it wasn’t a mistake because I saw something entirely different going back. I saw all the truths slamming me in the face. I heard all the dysfunction and madness all over again. It has ‘grounded’ me in more ways that I can possibly explain. “Going back”, this time, was only by text and/or “IM” though. I can’t and won’t ever have him near me, ever again. This is the extent of “us” anymore and I am very and quite adamant about it.

I truly feel I haven’t made a mistake going back one more and final time, especially in the way I have, by internet and I remain in complete control. The friendship is waning and “IT” is the one pulling away this time…how nice! We will just let “IT” think “IT” is making the break this time…hmm?

I seen and heard all I needed to.
NOTHING has changed, in fact, it has only gotten worse.

WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHAT THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM. Yes, indeed Ox!!!! Seeing is believing for sure!

Blessings to you Star…



Oxy, I don’t know what you mean by “that kind of person”. He’s not a horrible person. This was not a case of him making a conquest and moving on. We continued to be friends with him showing a great deal of interest in at least a friendship capacity for several months after we last slept together. Players don’t usually do that – they just hit and run. That’s why I was so confused. I thought maybe it was something I did. I realize after that fact that that was partly true, but my behaviors around him are unavoidable, because it is just what he brings out in me. Our personalities are like oil and water.

Had I known this before, I would have just walked away. But I didn’t know. Now I know.


Star: I am glad yours is not a horrible person. MINE can be very nice at times and very caring…not to me but I see him doing it to others and giving to others but it always has an ulterior motive. And, he is NEVER nice to me. Even after all the crap he has put me and my life through!!!!

MINE is very horrid.
Just like what you would see in a horror movie….
sometimes he can be just like that and you never know when it’s coming….I can never have him around me again. I just can’t. I could never trust him, not ever again, to be around me. As far as I trust him is over IM’ing or texting and sometimes THAT gives me the creeps but I am not naive or starry-eyed anymore. I know now exactly what this is.

Think of the most dysfunctional kind of person you can…
ADHD, bipolar, depression, ptsd, take them all, roll them into one being, without ANY treatment and/or counseling and there you would have MY “IT”. Truly like a 12 year old with ADHD.

Not my kind of person either because I don’t live that way.
I don’t live in drama-rama nor deceptions. And, now, with a shortened life span, that I have, I am not tolerating it and it’s that simple.

I wish you joy and love, Star…
Thank you for your understanding.




“I will probably always be attracted to him. There is definitely some connection there. But it’s not one that I want to pursue anymore. So I can move on now without hesitation.”



I just want to clarify that the sociopath I dated who drove me to this site was in 2008. I have dated several men since then.

In my belief system, I believe we can have past life connections to people, which draws us to them as if by fate. But that doesn’t mean those people are good for us.



The quote from Star is very apt for me too.

“I will probably always be attracted to him………”

I have to learn to live with this fact. It may change and diminish the longer we are apart. I hope so. Some days are very difficult. New Beginning said something to me and I saved it.
I can relate to that. It takes time for the bond to the person to be broken and there are many phases one passes through to get there.
Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be strong, and be well.

The bond might not make sense but I accept it exists instead of trying to deny I have these feelings. Im human. And just because I loved someone (or the image) it still hurts.

Time is a great healer someone said?
Sometimes I’m in danger of wishing my life away.


Strongawoman and Duped,
One thing I can tell you is that you can and will be attracted to other men again, and those attractions will help break the bond of attraction you feel with the spath. It may not seem that way right now. When I met the guy in Costa Rica – who to this day is the greatest lover I’ve ever had – I forgot all about the neighbor, the spath, and every other guy I’d ever known.

I think I only brought the neighbor back because I had something to learn from him – I wasn’t complete. And also…he’s my neighbor. It’s hard to ignore someone whose place is a stone throw from yours.


Thanks for that reassuring message, Stargazer.
How sweet of you… give me hope.


Star: no more for me, thanks…
I will be in love with my cardiologist when he saves my life again.


Sweet consideration of you, I might add!!!


Dupey, are we talking about being friends with an ex who is a sociopath? Do I understand this properly?

I know you need to do what is right for you, but I just want to voice my heed of warning. Why on EARTH would you even want to stay friends with a sociopath?

It sounds very dangerous to me. It is like a deer wanting to stay friends with a wolf.

Of course do whatever you want. But How many stories are we reading in here where the sociopath was underestimated and no one knew the real danger until someone turned up dead? Is it really worth the risk? Remember that a sociopath is always capable of murder. Just because he/she hasn’t, doesn’t mean it’s not ever going to happen. They don’t care about right or wrong and they don’t have a conscience.

I am not saying to run because I think he will soon kill you.

I am saying that sociopaths are known to kill, they are all capable of it, and they are evil cunning manipulative selfish awful creatures. What the hell could they possibly have to offer in a friendship that is worth the time it takes to make one with them? They aren’t your friend anyways. You will never be anything other than supply for a sociopath.

My ex had lots of friends. Friends that went back into his childhood. Friends that gave him money whenever he asked for it. Friends that he told me he only kept around because they are useful. I didn’t understand how much of a red flag that was at the time, but now I do.

Dupey, do whatever you think is right, but as a fellow survivor, I know that what we THINK is right for us is NOT always what is right for us. Our naivety to the danger is what got us hurt in the first place.

Hi Ox,

Yeah, I’m a bit better. Food makes a huge difference. But I have to do something quickly, because it will happen again this month towards the end. I need to find a new job fast.

A couple friends have learned about the situation and told me that they will lend me money if I end up like that again at the end of this month, but I really prefer to not take money from people, so I’ll be frantically looking for a better solution to this conundrum.

Thanks for your hugs and support!

I hope you’re doing alright.

sharing the journey

Duped your story is familiar to me as well as others..

I am four and a half years out from my Ex H P after being with him for 22 years.

As I look back I know that I never ever want to go through that expereince again. I never want to see him and although he lives only 10 mins away from me in my mind I have it a hundred miles.

Nothing on this earth would entice me back.

So stay strong and you will get there. It takes time. My stages went from from ‘I can’t go back’ to ‘I don’t want to go back’ to I will NEVER go back.

Stay safe


sharing and panther: thank you for your thoughts and inspiration. I, as well, never want to be in “ITS” presence, ever again.

Yes, I never want to go through that experience again.
NOTHING on this earth will entice me back for more.

I went back to deliver an important message and in the process, I found myself ‘feeling sorry’ for him, all over again. I don’t feel sorry for him. He has choices just like all the rest of us. I saw all the ::RED FLAGS:: going back this time. Every single one of them, and I have known, for a very long time, this person is very unstable and very psychotic and dangerous. I am fortunate in the sense “I” have lots of back up in the form of ‘persuasion’ to keep him well at bay now. Where I used to ‘fear for my safety’, that is mostly behind me now..however, with a psychopath, you can never be really sure; I am always watching and listening…always…you never know if it would be “IT” or one of his “so so jealous minions”…part of the ‘army’ of ‘good little worker bees’ he has…

Going back, I found that ‘indifference’ necessary inside me to continue on without looking back and without looking back, feeling badly or having a ‘guilty conscious’ about abandoning someone so sick and ill. Sometimes I feel like I am doing the WRONG THING by letting go of someone I have loved so much and is so ill. However, “I” am not a ‘caregiver’ nor am I a ‘babysitter’. Each of us has the ability to demonstrate such things as ‘kindness’, ‘thoughtfulness’, ‘caring’, ‘consideration’, etc. After all the horrid things this person has done to me, there is no ‘coming back’ from all of that.

When the love bombing started, I said: “You broke the trust I had in you. You tell me: how do you get that back? Hm?” There was no response, in fact, there has never been a sincere and contrite apology for anything, ever. And, I went through losing a child for THIS LOSER, with no back up, financially or otherwise. No, I am NOT going back to all of that. I realize he and I have a ‘trauma bond’ and it’s that bond I am trying to break – let me rephrase that: it’s that bond I HAVE BROKEN, inside of myself, where it matters.

I now see, after having gone back, that nothing has changed.
“IT” is still the contemptuous ‘being’ it always has been. Trust me, there is no way he will ever come around me, AGAIN!!!!!!

And, the very brief ‘chat encounter’ we have had – has only reinforced all of the truths, etc., that I needed to know.
So, never to worry: dupey is not duped TWICE!!!!!

Right: “I can’t go back; I don’t want to go back and I NEVER WILL go back.” I am not going back into that madness.
The ‘brief chat encounter’ is drawing to a HUGE conclusion, quickly. I just wanted to do that which is right and that which some ‘higher authority’ might expect from me…not to throw someone away just because they ‘displease’ me…that makes me stronger; right? I am educated and knowledgeable now about this and that makes it so much easier to deal with.

It makes it FINAL, once and for all, going back, staring that demon down, (through IM, not face to face), haven’t seen “IT” for 9 months now…. Quiet without the ‘drama rama’ in my life….with my heart condition, I can’t get enough peace and quiet anymore.

Thank you so much for your wishes of safety.
I am just fine. I am empowered now and I am never letting go of that. I have found acceptance and then indifference now…
I am standing on MY OWN two feet and living MY LIFE now, not his, not his ‘minions’, not his ex wives’…..MINE. ALL MINE and if you knew me, you would know that I never say anything I don’t mean. I MEAN EVERY WORD I HAVE SAID, TO “IT”, TO YOU, and to ALL THE OTHER MINIONS that have haunted my life.

So, no, no ‘roses’ and ‘wine’ and ‘chocolates’….he was trying to spin them all, but no! Not having any more of it in my life. And, I am very forthright and vocal about it, now, not just to “IT”, but to everyone, it seems. I have changed inside as a person.

It takes time, yes – to heal and to get over all this, but I am well on my way now. I don’t think you ever REALLY ‘get over it’, you just find other ways to process it inside….He is a thousand miles away from me and has already been warned by the authorities, to not come to this town, much to his EXTREME dismay. He has been neutralized. He so hates it and I can hear the disdain in his words. He still blames me for every rotten thing HE has ever done to HIS OWN life and I am not having it.

He MAY have tried to kill me, as he has all other his ‘women’…I know of all the physical abuse, etc….there have been lots. Further research has proven all my suspicions absolutely correct. Multiple marriages, multiple sex partners, multiple lives; multiple identities…it just goes on and on and on and seems to have no end. Seriously. It’s a true ENIGMA the things I have seen.

I am absolutely 1,000% correct in all my determinations.
I am not afraid of him anymore. He has been neutralized.

You all stay safe out there ~ if someone is stalking you and threatening you: GO TO THE AUTHORITIES ASAP.
Please take my advice. There is no need to stay in any relationship that is abusive and smothering.

Bless you all on your journey ~
MY journey just keeps getting easier…



I had to answer this, now, a couple months after breaking NC:
panther says:

“Dupey, are we talking about being friends with an ex who is a sociopath? Do I understand this properly?”

ANSWER: Yes, panther. Very stupid move on my part.
Nothing has changed. Nothing is ever going to change. I have been chasing something that is NEVER going to happen: our being friends. I cannot be friends with someone who has tried to harm me, although he denies it over and over again, the proofs speak for themselves.

“I know you need to do what is right for you, but I just want to voice my heed of warning. Why on EARTH would you even want to stay friends with a sociopath?
“It sounds very dangerous to me. It is like a deer wanting to stay friends with a wolf.”

“Of course do whatever you want. But How many stories are we reading in here where the sociopath was underestimated and no one knew the real danger until someone turned up dead? Is it really worth the risk? Remember that a sociopath is always capable of murder. Just because he/she hasn’t, doesn’t mean it’s not ever going to happen. They don’t care about right or wrong and they don’t have a conscience.

I am not saying to run because I think he will soon kill you.

I am saying that sociopaths are known to kill, they are all capable of it, and they are evil cunning manipulative selfish awful creatures. What the hell could they possibly have to offer in a friendship that is worth the time it takes to make one with them? They aren’t your friend anyways. You will never be anything other than supply for a sociopath.”


ANSWER: panther, you are absolutely correct. THEY ARE KNOWN TO HARM AND KILL. THEY ARE EVIL, CUNNING, MANIPULATIVE, SELFISH, AWFUL CREATURES who will suck your last breath from you if you allow them to.

I have learned that I am NOTHING but ‘supply’, just like all the other people who have passed in and out of his life. Nobody will ever know the nightmare I have been through during this journey. I don’t think I can adequately express it myself, anymore. It has weaved itself around my being like a possession and I am slowly releasing it’s grip on me. Not just for the ‘first time’ but for more like the fourth or fifth time…

I do think that this next ‘farewell’ is going to be a solid one and a release FINALLY of all the ugliness that has been following my life the past ten years. And when I do walk away, this time, I am never returning ever again.

Thank you panther for knocking some sense into my head.
I know he will try to harm me again and that is why there is no more. He has been restrained from being around me now and I have made it clear I never want to see him or speak to him, not ever again. I am walking away clean and refreshed this time.




Remember all the horror movies we watched as kids? Remember watching the young girl open the cellar door knowing of the danger she would encounter? Remember how every kid in the theater screamed ‘don’t do it’? That is how I felt when you said you were going to make contact with the spath. Don’t Do It!!!!! ((((Hugs)))). Shalom


(((Shalom))) Shalom: yah, it has been just like that….
like watching a horror movie. I know NOW I shouldn’t have done it. I do know that. I should have left that door to hell cemented shut. I just should have.

Love and blessings to you ~ Dupey xxoo



You were fortunate in that your “contact” reinforced your beliefs regarding your x-spath. Part of me wishes I had that experience, so I could tell mine that I know all about him.



“In my belief system, I believe we can have past life connections to people, which draws us to them as if by fate. But that doesn’t mean those people are good for us…”

I can certainly say that my experience confirms this. Look at the following regarding my x-spath:

1) About 9 months before I met him in person, I came across him online. While I did not contract him, from his pictures I constructed an image of the person I felt I should meet — “the guy next door type.” Keep in mind we did not live in the same city, not even close.

2) I met him on the last day of short-term disability leave. The first day of that leave was his birthday.

3) Each of his birthdays since something strange has happened that was a direct reminder of him. First, being on vacation in Canada and coming across a building I really admired that bears his name; second, getting an email and the subject contained one word, his last name; third, seeing a band I very much associate with him.

There are several others.


BBE: Thank you for your response.
Yes, it has reinforced my education and beliefs as to what he is and that there is nothing more I can do but walk away and consider myself fortunate that I have escaped with my life. Seriously.

Part of you wishes you had that experience so you could tell your’s that you know all about him. It doesn’t matter that they know, YOU KNOW. That is validation enough.

I believe as well, that we are drawn to certain people because we are like soul mates and destined to be, but that doesn’t mean they are ‘good for us’ and/or won’t try to harm us.

Right: you met him online and you constructed an image of what you wanted this person to be and they built upon that and manipulated and used that to perpetuate the facade. To use and deceive because it was some sort of ‘entertainment’ for them. Perhaps they had an agenda. Mine was the same way: ‘the typical, handsome, hero man, returning from war’….and yes, I am absolutely certain he was at war. Although I don’t think his problems are necessarily FROM war, I do think that they somehow magnified the ugliness that already existed.

I met him online almost 11 years ago now and the first four of those was nothing but manipulation and lies. He was married the whole time while playing other women online.

I believe we are somehow cosmically tied to certain people as well. But I don’t believe that THAT BOND is good enough reason to subject ourselves to abuse. And that is what these relationships are: abuse. In one form or another.

But, I can relate to what you said, BBE to Stargazer…

Blessings to you…




One slight correction, I did not meet him online. I saw a profile of his and from that, I constructed an image of the type of person I wanted to meet, the “next door” type guy. Thus, the first meeting was “virtual” and I did not directly contact him.

Interestingly, right after I met him, I deleted from my computer the picture of him I had saved — I even remember saying to his picture something like “sorry guy, I need to delete you but you can understand why…”

I had no idea until after the fact that my “next door” guy was him. Only when I came across his online trail did I connect everything. Talk about freaky and star-crossed.

So, his manipulation was not based upon me constructing an image of him, rather, it was more like him reading me and constructing an image of what he thought he needed to be to attract me. What is truly sociopathic about his manipulation is that he choose a persona that a) was unnecessary; b) completely unlike what his actual online persona was. Thus, he sows this imaged of a “reserved and sorted” British guy while his online persona was quite the opposite. Which was the true persona I will never know…

Intellectually knowing I know the truth is satisfying. Emotionally, it is not. While I have been tempted to play him online, I will not. But it would be fun, since virtually every detail of his active profile is incorrect, including some very personal ones…


BBE: I did meet mine online, originally. Which he reminded me of all the time. “Why were you on there if you weren’t a loose woman?” Like HE had room to talk: “MR MARRIED”. But, then that is the kind of dysfunction that exists in their minds.

They just aren’t worth the effort, BBE….
Right, there is a lot to be said for ‘intellectually knowing’ that we know the truth and it is satisfying enough. Enough to spare us anymore of the torture of the issues. Seriously.

Everything about their ‘profiles’ is askew because a person can be anything they want to be on the internet and mine was. However, he got ‘outed’ in a big way. Karma DOES come around – no evil deed goes left unpunished. Neither does a good deed, sometimes….

Blessings, BBE…




Anytime I have used the internet for dating, my profiles where honest descriptions of my personality and if you met me in person, there would be no disconnect.

I was in the somewhat unique situation of first meeting the x-spath in person, then finding his online profiles. That his online profiles are so different from the person he presented to me is evidence of severe dysfunction, 180 degrees opposite from shy and reserve guy he pretended to be. I believe Donna talks about such people in her book and this lack of sexual pressure on me, along with his “reserved” act, should have been a big red flag.

How was your x-spath “outed?” The fact that mine fells the need to disguise himself a bit strongly indicates there is something to hide, perhaps his HIV status, perhaps something else…


BBE: Mine has been ‘outed’ severely in the past couple of years. So much so that I almost find myself feeling sorry for his immense dysfunction and resulting issues.

People (LOTS OF PEOPLE) have been educated heavily about him in recent times and he has had to face more ‘music’ than he thought he ever would, I am sure.

Oh yes, they heavily disguise themselves, in person or online.
What I ended up having to accept about mine was what I really and actually HAD…I have known him just about 11 years now and it has all been from afar, pretty much, for one reason or another…he was nothing BUT all about lies and deceptions and now everyone knows. Everyone. Much to his dismay. The only recourse he has now is to submit for treatment. THAT is how much he has been ‘outed’.

I have always been the same old person, online as I am in person. That is just my nature and the way I rock. I am not something I pretend to be but someone IAM. I have always been that way and will probably always be that way. I learned at a very young age that honesty and genuineness is just something a person needs to include in their life.

Have a good night, BBE: thanks for the conversation.
I wish you happiness and health. xxoo



Since I was not with the x-spath long enough to have any mutual friends, I do not know what has become of him and I think his mask is good enough to keep many fooled. Certainly his job as a flight attendant allows him a great deal of anonymity as does his general persona.

Disguising themselves is a good way to put it. Online, he uses pictures that are not current, some so young looking its ridiculous yet there he appears to be very honest about his desires “boys, beer and some fooling around.” Effectively, in person you get the real looks (attractive, but showing his age) and a phony person, but online you get phony looks and the real person…

You will love this. One of his profiles closes with “No narcissus clones need apply!”

anam cara

Much love and (( Hugs))


Hi duped no more

Wow! Your piece is so empowering. Just what I needed to lift my spirits and keep my thoughts in check!

Happg to hear you are strong! Thanks 🙂


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