Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from the reader who posts as “Duped no more!”
{A brief definition of my breaking NC, after almost 9 months, and a brief explanation of the experience and what I would say if I had to explain it to someone else. I had to send it to myself because there is nobody else but you who would understand ”¦}
“I went back for you, with my heart in my hand and you just devoured it with no care nor consceince.”
Nothing has changed; don’t listen no more; don’t go back!
This is it.
I have seen and heard what I needed to and now it’s time to move forward once and for all.
I have set myself free. The last few text messages that I sent, that have gone unanswered, are the last I am ever going to speak to him.
His love bombing didn’t work. In fact, it has only made me hate him more. NOW I am more determined than ever but I heard everything I needed to hear. EVERYTHING. Even more cunning than I had originally thought. That’s all right, I will keep standing this time ”¦ I am stronger than he is and as long as I am right here, where I live, around the people who live around me, I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY FOR my safety from him. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS to show his putrid face around here anymore. He PROVED that to me, by what he said about the last time he threatened me ”¦ he knows. “I saw the display of police presence while I was there the last time; bravo. Job well done! And I hadn’t even done anything, that time. I shudder to think what would happen to me if I actually DID do something.” ”¦ I am glad he remembers.
It is sad our friendship has come to this. But, with a psychopath, it always comes to this.
He was just ‘phishing’ (this time) to see what he could get and he isn’t getting it from me.
The intrusion wasn’t based on any sort of ‘affection’ but one of ‘self serving nosiness’. An agenda, with an intent.
When the opportunity presented itself, for me to look it in the eye <so to speak>, one more time, I took the opportunity to smell it and taste it and I found out that I was indeed, absolutely correct in my assumption of the situation. It has made me more resolved. But, I was able to do this from somewhat of a great distance. And, I have LOTS of ‘back up.’ DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS!
I am banishing the demon back to the cave from which it came, lest it devour me.
I have never witnessed such madness. Shocking and overwhelming. Yet, to others, as charming as a newborn baby.
Why, one would never suspect anything at all and most don’t.
I am getting strong and I am stabilized in my health; he is on the verge of ruining me again and I am not letting that happen.
I can’t believe there are people like this in our life!!! OMG: how ugly and horrid. Seems the nicer you are to them, the more they want to devour you. That’s all right, I informed him of my thinking of ‘going active’ ”¦ let him chew on that a while.
Then with my second farewell ”¦ I am not putting up with this bullshit no more. I have had it. He is going NOWHERE with his LOSER LIFE and the more you try to help him and be nice to him, the more you become a target for him so I am just done with it all. These people have no conscience about themselves other than what they want and will suck your life blood from you if you let them.
I have learned my lesson about NC; however, I had to go back and see it for myself.
I had to see for myself, just one more time and I have seen it and tasted it. I don’t want no more madness in my life.
I told him he was a lunatic the way he acts and he truly is. It can be very scary but I have learned that they are like they are because THEY are more scared of US than we are of them and that is why they hate us.
My advice to anyone = run away as fast and as quickly as you can and don’t look back. It isn’t ever going to change. Our believing in them only feeds their ego and their power ”¦ believe in yourself instead. It’s the only way to survive. Take care of yourself; look out for yourself. Surround yourself with beautiful and happy things and nice people and it will permeate your life. If you are constantly surrounded by darkness and sadness and sorrow, your life will become that as well. We can push the darkness out and away with the light. It starts with us, you and me.
I have a little life left and I plan on doing what makes ME HAPPY.
He and all his ‘minions’ can go straight back to the hell they came from.
Dupey, I am glad that you have finally proven to yourself that NC NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to handle them. At least with the contact you had it was only by way of communications, not physical contact, and that you did not “fall for” the attempts to lure you back in.
The danger in breaking NC is that too many times we DO fall for the love bombs and we allow them to reel us back in for another round of abuse.
This danger is so much that I would caution others who may be tempted to have contact JUST ONE MORE TIME to realize the real danger in doing so.
Congratulations on surviving your breaking of NC, too many don’t survive. God bless.
Ox: Thanks. Definitely, I am blessed surviving this experience. The only reason I took advantage of this was because he was and is so far away…I realize that for most others, there is real danger in breaking NC and I would not suggest it if you are in any way in a dangerous or threatening situation.
If he lived in my city, in my town or had access to me, I would never have done it. But, I did and I am happy I did because now, instead of alienating the situation from me, I can ‘settle’ it within me and inside of me….
Yes, there has been no physical contact since last May. I strictly forbid visits and/or phone calls anymore. Texting or IM’ing is the extent of our relationship anymore. And then it is with immense and great reserves, trust me.
I have heard all the conniving and spinning and web weaving and dramarama….I am not going back to that.
Let me say again, what I have said here, so many times before…
IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP; EITHER PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY or PSYCHOLOGICALLY and/or you are a VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR THEM AND BREAK NC.
The ONLY reason “I” am so confident is because I have lots and lots and lots and lots of back up. There is NO WAY a sudden burst of temper tantrum can reach me anymore. So please take heed. This is not something I would have tried had I not had the necessary security around me. Trust me.
Yes: NC is the only way to go. Even if it is only chatting by text because the poison seeps through the messages, straight through your eyeballs and burns themselves into your soul. It is easier being WITHOUT the contact. Easier still, finding that indifference…
Peace and love to you all.
Dupey
Looking back it’s facinating to “see” spathy’s manipulations and attempts at control. Family home valued by professional surveyor at half what spathy believes it’s worth and of course she has to be right! I declared an interest in buying it at the valuation price, which was actually over-valued in a crashed market. Spathy saw this as a problem and a ploy by me to buy for less, when in fact it was the solution. She “had anticipated this from the the start”. Due legal process would take 6 months and no amount of interference would change that. I couldn’t understand why she was acting this way. I had no secret agenda. My mind doesn’t work that way. I’m honest to a fault and way to trusting. I now see that this is her M O. Because that’s the twisted way her mind works, it’s the only way she understands and she expects others to think the same as her. Anyway, she went into full combat mode.
E-mailed sols. “her and husband would buy house, as this is in the interests of the estate”. I didn’t respond as I thought it best to allow due process. Next, “put it up for rent, as this is in the interests of the estate”. Then, put it on the open market, as this is in the interests of the estate”. Because I did not engage with her manipulations, she upped the anti! Now, “other parties were interested in buying” (her and my enabler brother) and the implication being that I was acting against the interests of the estate!
When none of these antics worked, she sent me a threatening e-mail saying “SHE was sick and tired of MY stupid games!” All I had done was asked to buy the family home at the valuation amount when due process was complete 6 months hence. She has her own selfish agenda in all her dealings andI realise now it’s all about power and control. Your not allowed to have an opinion if it differs from hers. Textbook spathy.
Hang in there anam cara….
Our thoughts and wishes are with you…
Dupey
I visited Mum and Dad every other week for over 22 years. I had young family and elderly parents who lived 60 miles away-round trip. Spathy has one son of 25. She became Dad’s carer after Mum died. She went to bed at 9pm having had her daily drink. Fortunately, I chose to stay over that night. I was having one glass of wine and “talking” to Mum as her and I used to do. I heard a thud and shot upstairs in 5 seconds flat. Dad had fallen out of bed and on top of a portable heater, up full, 24/7. I pushed the heater away and helped him back to bed. The next day I told her what had happened and she said “That concerns me” Only later I realised that her concern was for herself. She, as our father’s carer, would have been in HUGE trouble with social services. It doesn’t bear thinking about the burns Dad would have suffered because she was out cold/asleep!
Anamcara,
“You are not allowed to have an opinion…..” period. Full stop. IMO that sums up the experience I had. He rubbished my opinions. On everything! And what experience did he have. What worldly experience? None.
Stay strong my friend. Be resolute in your opinions. Follow your star. Stay true to you
Dearest Dupey,
Just what I needed to hear. It is still contacting and intruding. And oh yes do I identify with what you said about feeling ever so slightly smug that he wants what he can’t have. Me.
You know, I would go as far to say he only wants another bite at the cherry so he can say nah, it’s not working. The power I have in just ignoring him is oh so satisfying!!
Thanks Dupey doo. So glad you’re ok. I worry bout you friend but I see you are a strong woman too! Towanda flower!
Ps snow here in Yorkshire. It’s so beautiful. Hugs to you
SW xx
Before I was able to go NC I allowed myself to be in his presence on at least 3 occasions – two of which he was desperate to escape – both in psych hospitals and he attempted to use me as a hostage – fortunately my 6th sense kicked in enough to help me maintain a safe enough distance (all of 5 feet) to allow the proper authorities to intervene and lock him up before he could get his hands around my throat.
Dummy me kept thinking he would get better and he was “just sick” and once recovered he would be the “great guy” I first knew. HA HA HA HA HA HA H A HAHAHAHAHA….
God must want me to live long enough to raise my kids and share the following message: RUN FOLKS – RUN RUN RUN RUN…. And DO NOT LOOK BACK
AMEN BRECKGIRL; AMEN.
My prayers and best wishes are with you.
I wish you many blessings.
Dupey
strongawoman: my little Yorkshire Flower…
Oh yes, our opinions are not important. They are the ones who know everything – just ask them and they will tell you…..
still stalking and intruding; hm? It takes a while for it to sink in. Just make sure you are safe and secure; alright? Who knows what kind of evilness lurks in the ‘twisted’ mind? Hm? BE SAFE.
Yes, somewhat ‘smug’, if I wasn’t so sure it was ‘love bombing’ and trying to ‘enlist’ me in the army again! Nope, I have nothing further to contribute to this now ‘one sided relationship’.
Oh yes, NC gives us that empowerment. We are able to take our life back and say: “No, this is unacceptable.” It’s the only way to prove the point. Completely. Absolutely.
My ‘demon’ will be going back into it’s cave, again, shortly.
It’s about the only thing I can be really sure of, at this point.
Because nothing has changed; nothing will ever change. I am wasting what life “I” have on someone who just doesn’t care and never really has. I was a ‘trick’ a ‘lie’…all of it.
That truly deserves hatred and bitterness and all the rest of those ugly action verbs that go along with it, but you know what? They really aren’t even worth the spike in blood pressure; trust me, I KNOW.
We are strong, strongawoman…very strong.
We were made, as women, to bare great sorrows and pain and sufferings and we never give up but forge ahead. This is no different. We shall be victorious and our virtues will mark us as the people we are.
Love and hugs to my Yorkshire Flower and the Yorkshire snow.
Dupey
Wow, I actually said that to the spath once: Go back to hell where you came from.
That is really the feeling they give. Evil. Something not of this world. Something truly from hell, a kind of demon. It is incomprehensible how they function.
I laughed aloud when she said that she called him a lunatic. Nice word 🙂
It is interesting that she went back to “check.” I think it was Oxy who described that as going back inside a burning house to see if it is still on fire. Sometimes I want to call up the ex spath just to ramble in his ear that I am AWESOME and he was WRONG about me, that I’m not a crazy psycho bipolar demented demonic suicidal whore, as he told me I was daily. I want to call him up and say that people find me nice, that I love my curves and don’t think I’m fat, and I really want to say, “I LEFT YOU. YOU LOSE! You may have won all those battles, but I won the WAR!” Yet by even calling him, he gets something.
We have to realize that, to them, any attention is attention, good or bad. If we contact them at all, they know they still “have you” in some way. Ignoring them completely, forever, without a word as to where you went or who you are with or how happy you are, without even a need to have the final word, as though we really just don’t give a s**t anymore, THAT is what will really get back at them. That is the one thing they weren’t thinking could happen. They are used to having supply on a string forever, many of them, just rotating. But we are the one that GOT AWAY. Let that burn him alive. And even if we aren’t completely over it and we still DO give a s**t, don’t let them know that. They’ll never know that inside, we’re still crying and torn to bits. The grey rock will not be seen through 🙂 NO CONTACT!
And I hope the writer of this post really does NOT ever talk to this guy ever again.