Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from the reader who posts as “Duped no more!”
{A brief definition of my breaking NC, after almost 9 months, and a brief explanation of the experience and what I would say if I had to explain it to someone else. I had to send it to myself because there is nobody else but you who would understand ”¦}
“I went back for you, with my heart in my hand and you just devoured it with no care nor consceince.”
Nothing has changed; don’t listen no more; don’t go back!
This is it.
I have seen and heard what I needed to and now it’s time to move forward once and for all.
I have set myself free. The last few text messages that I sent, that have gone unanswered, are the last I am ever going to speak to him.
His love bombing didn’t work. In fact, it has only made me hate him more. NOW I am more determined than ever but I heard everything I needed to hear. EVERYTHING. Even more cunning than I had originally thought. That’s all right, I will keep standing this time ”¦ I am stronger than he is and as long as I am right here, where I live, around the people who live around me, I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY FOR my safety from him. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS to show his putrid face around here anymore. He PROVED that to me, by what he said about the last time he threatened me ”¦ he knows. “I saw the display of police presence while I was there the last time; bravo. Job well done! And I hadn’t even done anything, that time. I shudder to think what would happen to me if I actually DID do something.” ”¦ I am glad he remembers.
It is sad our friendship has come to this. But, with a psychopath, it always comes to this.
He was just ‘phishing’ (this time) to see what he could get and he isn’t getting it from me.
The intrusion wasn’t based on any sort of ‘affection’ but one of ‘self serving nosiness’. An agenda, with an intent.
When the opportunity presented itself, for me to look it in the eye <so to speak>, one more time, I took the opportunity to smell it and taste it and I found out that I was indeed, absolutely correct in my assumption of the situation. It has made me more resolved. But, I was able to do this from somewhat of a great distance. And, I have LOTS of ‘back up.’ DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS!
I am banishing the demon back to the cave from which it came, lest it devour me.
I have never witnessed such madness. Shocking and overwhelming. Yet, to others, as charming as a newborn baby.
Why, one would never suspect anything at all and most don’t.
I am getting strong and I am stabilized in my health; he is on the verge of ruining me again and I am not letting that happen.
I can’t believe there are people like this in our life!!! OMG: how ugly and horrid. Seems the nicer you are to them, the more they want to devour you. That’s all right, I informed him of my thinking of ‘going active’ ”¦ let him chew on that a while.
Then with my second farewell ”¦ I am not putting up with this bullshit no more. I have had it. He is going NOWHERE with his LOSER LIFE and the more you try to help him and be nice to him, the more you become a target for him so I am just done with it all. These people have no conscience about themselves other than what they want and will suck your life blood from you if you let them.
I have learned my lesson about NC; however, I had to go back and see it for myself.
I had to see for myself, just one more time and I have seen it and tasted it. I don’t want no more madness in my life.
I told him he was a lunatic the way he acts and he truly is. It can be very scary but I have learned that they are like they are because THEY are more scared of US than we are of them and that is why they hate us.
My advice to anyone = run away as fast and as quickly as you can and don’t look back. It isn’t ever going to change. Our believing in them only feeds their ego and their power ”¦ believe in yourself instead. It’s the only way to survive. Take care of yourself; look out for yourself. Surround yourself with beautiful and happy things and nice people and it will permeate your life. If you are constantly surrounded by darkness and sadness and sorrow, your life will become that as well. We can push the darkness out and away with the light. It starts with us, you and me.
I have a little life left and I plan on doing what makes ME HAPPY.
He and all his ‘minions’ can go straight back to the hell they came from.
OH it’s Duped no More who wrote it. Okay. Hello Duped. So glad you got away from him. Why haven’t the texts stopped? This guy is not even worth the time and effort it takes to lift a finger and make a text message. Can’t you change your number?
Really.
You deserve the freedom of him being ancient, ancient history and nowhere near your present moment.
Also it is 1am here. Goodnight all. I am sweepy.
Panther,
I’m glad that you are getting enough to eat now at least….and taking care of YOU FIRST….until you can take care of yourself FIRST there must not be energy given to ANYTHING or any one else or you will sink trying to ‘save” someone else. It is sort of like trying to save a swimmer when you are not able yourself to swim…no matter how much we want to save them, we have to save our self FIRST or we will BOTH go to the bottom.
I’m not sure it was me that said that about breaking NC being like going back inside the burning house to see if it was still on fire…but I think that is a good one anyway! SO TRUE!!!!
Keep well! ((hugs))) and…keep in touch!
Duped, for heaven’s sake, change you number, change your email, change any means of communication he has with you.
I promise it will be a huge step toward true healing. Even if neither of yoy engage in any further communication, the act of getting rid of anything and everything that reminds you of the ex spath, including phone numbers, is incredibly liberating.
God bless.
Duped no more: I’m in favor of whatever brings us empowerment. I know for myself, I had to break NC after a week or two because I didn’t totally understand what he was. I wasn’t 100% convinced that he didn’t love me. So I had one of my gf’s call him and 3-way me in (unbeknownst to him). I heard him being sweet as pie to her as he convinced her how much he cares about me and how his behaviors toward me were caused by things outside his control. She hung up with him and told me how sweet and sincere he was. He had fooled her too! But during that conversation, I heard him tell her 3 blatant lies. She didn’t know he was lying, but I knew. That was what it took. I had to hear him lying again. There was no doubt in my mind after that. It really takes a huge mental shift to wrap your mind around the kind of game-playing a spath does. So I say do whatever it takes to empower yourself. NC works but it works better when you do it deliberately and without hesitation.
THANK YOU STARGAZER FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND VALIDATION. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW VERY MUCH THAT MEANS.
Peace and love to you…
Dupey
Star: our relationship has been very involved. Almost indescribably involved. I had to take this chance to see it for myself. I know everyone thinks I should just NC him and let that be the end of it and I did, for 8-1/2 months and those 8-1/2 months were the best months of the last 6 years of my life! Seriously.
After having read and researched and studied and attended therapy and come through the most absolute, horrid, ugliest time of my entire life and I have seen a lot of those kinds of moments, I know, now, after having broken that NC, that what I thought was so, really “IS” so. I catch him in lies and gas lighting and web spinning…..it’s very sad, actually. I hear such delusional thoughts.
Yes, NC works but it works better when you do it deliberately and without hesitation. You are absolutely right. I did mine, originally, without hesitation and deliberately. NC was broken because I was asked to deliver an important message which I did. Immediate love bombing took place. After that, pity ploys; after that, when it wasn’t getting a response, RAGE. I saw it all.
I had to take the chance that was before me to put it to rest inside my mind. When I implemented NC, 9 months ago, now, I did so with fury and resentment and anger…this time was different. I was able to see it from a different perspective – and one, I MIGHT ADD: has him a thousand miles away from me, over IM…what a perfect opportunity to once again, resolve to myself. It has been very empowering for me. Immensely. Knowing I don’t have to talk to him but I am….I don’t want to be wrong. This is way too important to me to be wrong. And, I know I am not wrong…
Acceptance is a huge part of healing. Accepting the truths.
And all those flashing red flags are there….
No longer does my heart grieve…..
it’s just in indifference now.
Thanks Star for understanding and relating.
You just gave me the HUG OF THE DAY from your understanding.
xxoo Dupey Doo Duh
Duped, I recently had a situation where I brought a guy back into my life that I should have left alone. You have probably read about my neighbor……long story.
Anyway, I always had a doubt in my mind that maybe something could have happened with him, even though our past contacts had left me feeling hurt and confused.
So after A YEAR of thinking about it and going back and forth….should I? Shouldn’t I? I FINALLY ran into him at the gym and engineered a lunch date. I finally got an answer to my nagging question, “Would it have worked between us? Could it? Was there something I did?” The answer is that NO it could not have worked. We are both 180 degrees different in our needs and our personalities. Being around him brings out the very worst in me. I can see it clearly now. But I had to know. It was a painful pill to swallow – I am still attracted to him. But at least now there are no doubts. If I’d known all along what I know now, I never would have reached out to him again. But sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do to move on with our lives, you know?
I will probably always be attracted to him. There is definitely some connection there. But it’s not one that I want to pursue anymore. So I can move on now without hesitation.
Duped, we posted over each other. I just wanted to say that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks. In the end, you have to do what is right for YOU! And if you make a mistake, it’s YOUR mistake and YOUR lesson to learn. That’s what life is for.
Hugs back atcha,
Star
Star, Sexual “attraction” to someone can be a powerful draw….and in his case, the “attraction” was obviously fleeting (which can be a painful thing when we have it and they don’t) once he made the conquest, he was done. That sounds pretty shallow to me, especially as he didn’t even SPEAK to you after that and treated you like a potted plant around the apartment complex (sheety way of breaking off a sexual affair , if not a “relationship” in my opinion.) A way that shows disrespect to you.
I would say 99.9% of the time going back and even trying to be “friends” with this kind of person is a waste of time, because he has already SHOWN you that he is shallow in his relationships, even ones involving sexual intimacy which he obviously didn’t take as seriously as you did.
That’s why when I got the “olive branch” in the christmas card from my ex friend, I wasn’t about to pick up that “friendship” and restart that relationshit (even though there was no sex involved, just “friendship” and companionship and mutual interest activities.)
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHAT THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.