Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from the reader who posts as “Duped no more!”
{A brief definition of my breaking NC, after almost 9 months, and a brief explanation of the experience and what I would say if I had to explain it to someone else. I had to send it to myself because there is nobody else but you who would understand ”¦}
“I went back for you, with my heart in my hand and you just devoured it with no care nor consceince.”
Nothing has changed; don’t listen no more; don’t go back!
This is it.
I have seen and heard what I needed to and now it’s time to move forward once and for all.
I have set myself free. The last few text messages that I sent, that have gone unanswered, are the last I am ever going to speak to him.
His love bombing didn’t work. In fact, it has only made me hate him more. NOW I am more determined than ever but I heard everything I needed to hear. EVERYTHING. Even more cunning than I had originally thought. That’s all right, I will keep standing this time ”¦ I am stronger than he is and as long as I am right here, where I live, around the people who live around me, I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY FOR my safety from him. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS to show his putrid face around here anymore. He PROVED that to me, by what he said about the last time he threatened me ”¦ he knows. “I saw the display of police presence while I was there the last time; bravo. Job well done! And I hadn’t even done anything, that time. I shudder to think what would happen to me if I actually DID do something.” ”¦ I am glad he remembers.
It is sad our friendship has come to this. But, with a psychopath, it always comes to this.
He was just ‘phishing’ (this time) to see what he could get and he isn’t getting it from me.
The intrusion wasn’t based on any sort of ‘affection’ but one of ‘self serving nosiness’. An agenda, with an intent.
When the opportunity presented itself, for me to look it in the eye <so to speak>, one more time, I took the opportunity to smell it and taste it and I found out that I was indeed, absolutely correct in my assumption of the situation. It has made me more resolved. But, I was able to do this from somewhat of a great distance. And, I have LOTS of ‘back up.’ DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS!
I am banishing the demon back to the cave from which it came, lest it devour me.
I have never witnessed such madness. Shocking and overwhelming. Yet, to others, as charming as a newborn baby.
Why, one would never suspect anything at all and most don’t.
I am getting strong and I am stabilized in my health; he is on the verge of ruining me again and I am not letting that happen.
I can’t believe there are people like this in our life!!! OMG: how ugly and horrid. Seems the nicer you are to them, the more they want to devour you. That’s all right, I informed him of my thinking of ‘going active’ ”¦ let him chew on that a while.
Then with my second farewell ”¦ I am not putting up with this bullshit no more. I have had it. He is going NOWHERE with his LOSER LIFE and the more you try to help him and be nice to him, the more you become a target for him so I am just done with it all. These people have no conscience about themselves other than what they want and will suck your life blood from you if you let them.
I have learned my lesson about NC; however, I had to go back and see it for myself.
I had to see for myself, just one more time and I have seen it and tasted it. I don’t want no more madness in my life.
I told him he was a lunatic the way he acts and he truly is. It can be very scary but I have learned that they are like they are because THEY are more scared of US than we are of them and that is why they hate us.
My advice to anyone = run away as fast and as quickly as you can and don’t look back. It isn’t ever going to change. Our believing in them only feeds their ego and their power ”¦ believe in yourself instead. It’s the only way to survive. Take care of yourself; look out for yourself. Surround yourself with beautiful and happy things and nice people and it will permeate your life. If you are constantly surrounded by darkness and sadness and sorrow, your life will become that as well. We can push the darkness out and away with the light. It starts with us, you and me.
I have a little life left and I plan on doing what makes ME HAPPY.
He and all his ‘minions’ can go straight back to the hell they came from.
Dupey, are we talking about being friends with an ex who is a sociopath? Do I understand this properly?
I know you need to do what is right for you, but I just want to voice my heed of warning. Why on EARTH would you even want to stay friends with a sociopath?
It sounds very dangerous to me. It is like a deer wanting to stay friends with a wolf.
Of course do whatever you want. But How many stories are we reading in here where the sociopath was underestimated and no one knew the real danger until someone turned up dead? Is it really worth the risk? Remember that a sociopath is always capable of murder. Just because he/she hasn’t, doesn’t mean it’s not ever going to happen. They don’t care about right or wrong and they don’t have a conscience.
I am not saying to run because I think he will soon kill you.
I am saying that sociopaths are known to kill, they are all capable of it, and they are evil cunning manipulative selfish awful creatures. What the hell could they possibly have to offer in a friendship that is worth the time it takes to make one with them? They aren’t your friend anyways. You will never be anything other than supply for a sociopath.
My ex had lots of friends. Friends that went back into his childhood. Friends that gave him money whenever he asked for it. Friends that he told me he only kept around because they are useful. I didn’t understand how much of a red flag that was at the time, but now I do.
Dupey, do whatever you think is right, but as a fellow survivor, I know that what we THINK is right for us is NOT always what is right for us. Our naivety to the danger is what got us hurt in the first place.
Hi Ox,
Yeah, I’m a bit better. Food makes a huge difference. But I have to do something quickly, because it will happen again this month towards the end. I need to find a new job fast.
A couple friends have learned about the situation and told me that they will lend me money if I end up like that again at the end of this month, but I really prefer to not take money from people, so I’ll be frantically looking for a better solution to this conundrum.
Thanks for your hugs and support!
I hope you’re doing alright.
Duped your story is familiar to me as well as others..
I am four and a half years out from my Ex H P after being with him for 22 years.
As I look back I know that I never ever want to go through that expereince again. I never want to see him and although he lives only 10 mins away from me in my mind I have it a hundred miles.
Nothing on this earth would entice me back.
So stay strong and you will get there. It takes time. My stages went from from ‘I can’t go back’ to ‘I don’t want to go back’ to I will NEVER go back.
Stay safe
STJ
sharing and panther: thank you for your thoughts and inspiration. I, as well, never want to be in “ITS” presence, ever again.
Yes, I never want to go through that experience again.
NOTHING on this earth will entice me back for more.
I went back to deliver an important message and in the process, I found myself ‘feeling sorry’ for him, all over again. I don’t feel sorry for him. He has choices just like all the rest of us. I saw all the ::RED FLAGS:: going back this time. Every single one of them, and I have known, for a very long time, this person is very unstable and very psychotic and dangerous. I am fortunate in the sense “I” have lots of back up in the form of ‘persuasion’ to keep him well at bay now. Where I used to ‘fear for my safety’, that is mostly behind me now..however, with a psychopath, you can never be really sure; I am always watching and listening…always…you never know if it would be “IT” or one of his “so so jealous minions”…part of the ‘army’ of ‘good little worker bees’ he has…
Going back, I found that ‘indifference’ necessary inside me to continue on without looking back and without looking back, feeling badly or having a ‘guilty conscious’ about abandoning someone so sick and ill. Sometimes I feel like I am doing the WRONG THING by letting go of someone I have loved so much and is so ill. However, “I” am not a ‘caregiver’ nor am I a ‘babysitter’. Each of us has the ability to demonstrate such things as ‘kindness’, ‘thoughtfulness’, ‘caring’, ‘consideration’, etc. After all the horrid things this person has done to me, there is no ‘coming back’ from all of that.
When the love bombing started, I said: “You broke the trust I had in you. You tell me: how do you get that back? Hm?” There was no response, in fact, there has never been a sincere and contrite apology for anything, ever. And, I went through losing a child for THIS LOSER, with no back up, financially or otherwise. No, I am NOT going back to all of that. I realize he and I have a ‘trauma bond’ and it’s that bond I am trying to break – let me rephrase that: it’s that bond I HAVE BROKEN, inside of myself, where it matters.
I now see, after having gone back, that nothing has changed.
“IT” is still the contemptuous ‘being’ it always has been. Trust me, there is no way he will ever come around me, AGAIN!!!!!!
And, the very brief ‘chat encounter’ we have had – has only reinforced all of the truths, etc., that I needed to know.
So, never to worry: dupey is not duped TWICE!!!!!
Right: “I can’t go back; I don’t want to go back and I NEVER WILL go back.” I am not going back into that madness.
The ‘brief chat encounter’ is drawing to a HUGE conclusion, quickly. I just wanted to do that which is right and that which some ‘higher authority’ might expect from me…not to throw someone away just because they ‘displease’ me…that makes me stronger; right? I am educated and knowledgeable now about this and that makes it so much easier to deal with.
It makes it FINAL, once and for all, going back, staring that demon down, (through IM, not face to face), haven’t seen “IT” for 9 months now…. Quiet without the ‘drama rama’ in my life….with my heart condition, I can’t get enough peace and quiet anymore.
Thank you so much for your wishes of safety.
I am just fine. I am empowered now and I am never letting go of that. I have found acceptance and then indifference now…
I am standing on MY OWN two feet and living MY LIFE now, not his, not his ‘minions’, not his ex wives’…..MINE. ALL MINE and if you knew me, you would know that I never say anything I don’t mean. I MEAN EVERY WORD I HAVE SAID, TO “IT”, TO YOU, and to ALL THE OTHER MINIONS that have haunted my life.
So, no, no ‘roses’ and ‘wine’ and ‘chocolates’….he was trying to spin them all, but no! Not having any more of it in my life. And, I am very forthright and vocal about it, now, not just to “IT”, but to everyone, it seems. I have changed inside as a person.
It takes time, yes – to heal and to get over all this, but I am well on my way now. I don’t think you ever REALLY ‘get over it’, you just find other ways to process it inside….He is a thousand miles away from me and has already been warned by the authorities, to not come to this town, much to his EXTREME dismay. He has been neutralized. He so hates it and I can hear the disdain in his words. He still blames me for every rotten thing HE has ever done to HIS OWN life and I am not having it.
He MAY have tried to kill me, as he has all other his ‘women’…I know of all the physical abuse, etc….there have been lots. Further research has proven all my suspicions absolutely correct. Multiple marriages, multiple sex partners, multiple lives; multiple identities…it just goes on and on and on and seems to have no end. Seriously. It’s a true ENIGMA the things I have seen.
I am absolutely 1,000% correct in all my determinations.
I am not afraid of him anymore. He has been neutralized.
You all stay safe out there ~ if someone is stalking you and threatening you: GO TO THE AUTHORITIES ASAP.
Please take my advice. There is no need to stay in any relationship that is abusive and smothering.
Bless you all on your journey ~
MY journey just keeps getting easier…
Dupey
I had to answer this, now, a couple months after breaking NC:
———————————————————
panther says:
“Dupey, are we talking about being friends with an ex who is a sociopath? Do I understand this properly?”
———————————————————
ANSWER: Yes, panther. Very stupid move on my part.
Nothing has changed. Nothing is ever going to change. I have been chasing something that is NEVER going to happen: our being friends. I cannot be friends with someone who has tried to harm me, although he denies it over and over again, the proofs speak for themselves.
——————————————————–
“I know you need to do what is right for you, but I just want to voice my heed of warning. Why on EARTH would you even want to stay friends with a sociopath?
——————————————————-
ANSWER: YOU ARE CORRECT: WHY WOULD I WANT TO STAY FRIENDS WITH A PSYCHOPATH? I HAVE SEEN THIS FOR MYSELF: THERE IS NO STAYING FRIENDS WITH A PSYCHOPATH. THEY ONLY KEEP TRYING TO HURT YOU, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND IT NEVER STOPS.
———————————————————
“It sounds very dangerous to me. It is like a deer wanting to stay friends with a wolf.”
——————————————————–
ANSWER: YES: IT IS VERY DANGEROUS. MORE DANGEROUS THAN ANYONE CAN BELIEVE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WENT BACK: IT IS STILL THE SAME OLD NIGHTMARE!!!!
——————————————————-
“Of course do whatever you want. But How many stories are we reading in here where the sociopath was underestimated and no one knew the real danger until someone turned up dead? Is it really worth the risk? Remember that a sociopath is always capable of murder. Just because he/she hasn’t, doesn’t mean it’s not ever going to happen. They don’t care about right or wrong and they don’t have a conscience.
I am not saying to run because I think he will soon kill you.
I am saying that sociopaths are known to kill, they are all capable of it, and they are evil cunning manipulative selfish awful creatures. What the hell could they possibly have to offer in a friendship that is worth the time it takes to make one with them? They aren’t your friend anyways. You will never be anything other than supply for a sociopath.”
——————————————-
ANSWER: panther, you are absolutely correct. THEY ARE KNOWN TO HARM AND KILL. THEY ARE EVIL, CUNNING, MANIPULATIVE, SELFISH, AWFUL CREATURES who will suck your last breath from you if you allow them to.
I have learned that I am NOTHING but ‘supply’, just like all the other people who have passed in and out of his life. Nobody will ever know the nightmare I have been through during this journey. I don’t think I can adequately express it myself, anymore. It has weaved itself around my being like a possession and I am slowly releasing it’s grip on me. Not just for the ‘first time’ but for more like the fourth or fifth time…
I do think that this next ‘farewell’ is going to be a solid one and a release FINALLY of all the ugliness that has been following my life the past ten years. And when I do walk away, this time, I am never returning ever again.
Thank you panther for knocking some sense into my head.
I know he will try to harm me again and that is why there is no more. He has been restrained from being around me now and I have made it clear I never want to see him or speak to him, not ever again. I am walking away clean and refreshed this time.
THIS TIME IT IS FOR ME!!!!
Dupey
Dupey:
Remember all the horror movies we watched as kids? Remember watching the young girl open the cellar door knowing of the danger she would encounter? Remember how every kid in the theater screamed ‘don’t do it’? That is how I felt when you said you were going to make contact with the spath. Don’t Do It!!!!! ((((Hugs)))). Shalom
(((Shalom))) Shalom: yah, it has been just like that….
like watching a horror movie. I know NOW I shouldn’t have done it. I do know that. I should have left that door to hell cemented shut. I just should have.
Love and blessings to you ~ Dupey xxoo
Duped;
You were fortunate in that your “contact” reinforced your beliefs regarding your x-spath. Part of me wishes I had that experience, so I could tell mine that I know all about him.
Stargazer;
“In my belief system, I believe we can have past life connections to people, which draws us to them as if by fate. But that doesn’t mean those people are good for us…”
I can certainly say that my experience confirms this. Look at the following regarding my x-spath:
1) About 9 months before I met him in person, I came across him online. While I did not contract him, from his pictures I constructed an image of the person I felt I should meet — “the guy next door type.” Keep in mind we did not live in the same city, not even close.
2) I met him on the last day of short-term disability leave. The first day of that leave was his birthday.
3) Each of his birthdays since something strange has happened that was a direct reminder of him. First, being on vacation in Canada and coming across a building I really admired that bears his name; second, getting an email and the subject contained one word, his last name; third, seeing a band I very much associate with him.
There are several others.
BBE: Thank you for your response.
Yes, it has reinforced my education and beliefs as to what he is and that there is nothing more I can do but walk away and consider myself fortunate that I have escaped with my life. Seriously.
Part of you wishes you had that experience so you could tell your’s that you know all about him. It doesn’t matter that they know, YOU KNOW. That is validation enough.
I believe as well, that we are drawn to certain people because we are like soul mates and destined to be, but that doesn’t mean they are ‘good for us’ and/or won’t try to harm us.
Right: you met him online and you constructed an image of what you wanted this person to be and they built upon that and manipulated and used that to perpetuate the facade. To use and deceive because it was some sort of ‘entertainment’ for them. Perhaps they had an agenda. Mine was the same way: ‘the typical, handsome, hero man, returning from war’….and yes, I am absolutely certain he was at war. Although I don’t think his problems are necessarily FROM war, I do think that they somehow magnified the ugliness that already existed.
I met him online almost 11 years ago now and the first four of those was nothing but manipulation and lies. He was married the whole time while playing other women online.
I believe we are somehow cosmically tied to certain people as well. But I don’t believe that THAT BOND is good enough reason to subject ourselves to abuse. And that is what these relationships are: abuse. In one form or another.
But, I can relate to what you said, BBE to Stargazer…
Blessings to you…
Dupey