UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Judith.”
I hope you read this, you know who you are.
I have remained silent for too long. I never used my voice to express how I felt about your actions toward me. I stayed quiet while you stalked and harassed me when I chose to cut all ties with you. I was too worried about what would happen if I spoke up. During that time, I thought no reaction from me would be best and it was. I’ve since changed my mind and I have determined that there is a difference between “reacting” and using my voice to heal myself.
In the last few years, I’ve done well. I never went back or got caught up in your drama, despite of all your desperate attempts to suck me back into your web of dysfunction and misery. However, as a result of my silence, I have unexpressed feelings from the chaos, abuse, drama and dysfunction that came along with you. Now it’s my turn to speak up. I don’t expect that it matters to you; otherwise, you wouldn’t have done what you did repeatedly. So this is for me to let it go, get rid of it. Whether you actually read it or not, is not my concern. I’m tired of hauling around old baggage.
The so-called divorce
I know it’s your belief that you have not have wronged me in any way. It’s truly sad that you are so disconnected from yourself and your own behavior. It was surprising when I spoke with you not very long ago; you stated that you believe that you were good to me. Perhaps in that narcissistic fantasyland you live in, but in real life — NOT. I was astonished when you called me in February to tell to me about your so-called divorce. I have to commend you, nice trick, calling from a number I wouldn’t recognize as yours. Yes, you caught me off guard, but only for a moment.
Your display of trickery was a clear indicator that you know I don’t want to be involved. I wasn’t surprised about the divorce part, although I didn’t believe you. That’s your cycle with females. Evidently my instincts have once again proven me right. Obviously I know your patterns too well. Was that some plea for pity or attention? Clearly, it didn’t work.
Funny how things change, eh? I used to feel bad for you when you would pull those stunts. Not anymore, HA. What kind of moron calls an ex for pity about the dysfunction in their marriage then pleads for me to help you because I am the “only one that really knows you?” Well here’s some food for thought —perhaps that’s why I stay away? Does your wife know that you told me how much you loved me just several months ago? How about that you were pleading with me to help you because you need me? For a man on the edge of a divorce you seemed rather focused on getting advice from me for “your next relationship” as you slandered your wife and spoke of her insecurity while labeling her a “gold digger” and other undesirable adjectives. Oh — isn’t love with you grand. Sounds like you two have a marriage made in paradise.
11 years of history
I’m not entirely sure what goes on in that big old head of yours and quite frankly that’s a good thing. I’ll leave Pandora’s Box shut. However, maybe I should clear some things up for you. Let’s take a look at your actions toward me over that past 11 years, from my point of view. Yes, I have an opinion and writing is the only way I can get it all out without being interrupted with defensiveness when you don’t like what you hear.
You HAVE done me wrong. I suggest you stop fooling yourself and any other idiot around you that believes your fairytales. Oh, and for the record, you may want to clarify with your wife that I was not the “cause of your last divorce.” YOU were the cause of your last divorce. YOU lied when I first met you about your age and marital status, 11 years ago. I can only imagine what you’ve told her. Judging from the way you’ve slandered me in the past, and how well you play the victim role, I believe it’s safe to assume she’s been misled. Maybe a heavy dose of the truth will clear up any misunderstanding.
I was 19 years old when you met me, an adolescent not even a little bit interested in being romantically involved with you .You were self reportedly 26 but that was a lie. In reality you were a few months shy of 30, certainly too OLD to be pursuing me. I was simply tagging along with the friend of mine whose pants you were trying to get in. It was innocent on my behalf; I thought I was being a good friend so I went along with her, that’s what teenage girls do. Meanwhile I got along with you and thought you were funny and I enjoyed talking to you. I thought it was cool to go to car shows and hang out. That was the end of it for me.
You were married
I had no idea that you were married. How could I? When asked, you said that you hadn’t found the right person yet. Meanwhile, you had a wife at home. Over a period of time, when I did find out, it was not even from you. You didn’t even have the dignity to be forthright and honest about yourself. Of course, you had an excuse for your omission of facts. According to you, the marriage was to get your green card. That should have been my signal to run as far away from you as possible and that you are a user. Instead, I felt pity for you.
When I confronted you with the truth, you led me to believe you had such an unhappy home life and nit-picked your wife at the time. I listened to you and I actually believed you. How could you bring me to car shows and public events with people that knew your wife when I had no clue you were married or how old you were? In fact, how could you bring me to your house and leave me in the car when you knew she was home and watching from the window? Why invite me to come to car shows when you knew she would be present? That’s rotten and she must of felt awful. Certainly, I have when you intentionally flaunted other females in front of my face in an effort to get a reaction from me when I chose to stay away from you.
You even stooped as low as pursuing my friend to make me jealous. I see that worked out well for you, HA. You did me a favor, you showed me you were slimy and so was she. I thank you for that. Does it make you feel like a man to instigate a negative reaction in a person so you can feel good about you? I guess you need two bitches fighting over you so you can feel worthy. In case you hadn’t figured out from the long history I don’t fight over a man. When I have something there is no need to fight for it.
Hands down my pants
You clearly don’t think about how your actions will make another person feel or how the despicable things you have done can haunt a mind. Did it ever occur to you how awful I felt when you would put your hands on me sexually and force your hands down my pants? Or how about when you would force sex on me? My crying didn’t matter to you. You had to know when I told you to stop that I was uncomfortable with your actions, but you didn’t care. You just tried to get me to stop crying so you could finish whatever you were doing to me. You’re sick.
At 19 years old, I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone. I felt maybe it was my fault. After all, you were supposed to be my friend. Because of what you did to me, I felt dirty and ashamed. It took me until just a few years ago to realize that what you had been doing to me was sick and is, in fact, abusive. You knew what you were doing all along — that’s what you do.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath
It’s a slow seduction. You set it up that way, so I wouldn’t suspect what you were calculating. It’s the sex addict in hot pursuit. You would tell me you needed to “talk” to me, or you “needed” to see me. Do you know what it feels like to be forced up against a wall with an over 6 foot, almost 300 lb pound body preventing you from escaping as your clothes are being forced off? You must recall the time when you used wire ties to secure my wrists together so I couldn’t leave your apartment? You actually had the nerve to go to D.A.P. and allege that I cut your body with scissors. No, actually, fool, I got a hold of the scissors to try and get myself loose.
I became “difficult”
How about being pushed out of your van and throwing my flip flops out in the parking lot at night as you drove away because I became “difficult”? You were on top of me trying to get my jeans off, meanwhile you somehow managed to disrobe yourself on the bottom. Good thing I wore my jeans tight that night. It was clear you were not going to get sex from me easily so you became angry. The truth is, you lured me there to talk and what you really wanted was sex.
The sad thing is after that happened I was so upset about what you did to me and all I kept thinking was how stupid I was for believing all you wanted was to talk. I thought it was my fault. I couldn’t deal with myself the next day so I didn’t go to work and you actually called to see if I was ok? Isn’t that like punching somebody in the face and then asking them if it hurt?
I always felt like your actions were a result of something I did to deserve it. Truthfully, I didn’t deserve any of it. You knew what you were doing. All along, you had your eye fixed on your prey and it was an adrenaline rush each time I was around you. You wanted conquer me. Guess what? You lost.
Agenda hasn’t changed
Even after 11 years, your agenda hasn’t changed. In fact according to the instant message conversation you initiated with me in the fall, you stated that your heart still races when you see me drive by the shop. Do you divulge that information to your wife?
That admission was after you were telling me how you didn’t have many friends and you wanted to be my friend. Yeah right, friends, I’m sure. Not with me. I stopped playing along. You made me feel awful. I don’t need to be around you nor do I want to ever. How could you expect that I would want to be your friend?
You have blackmailed me, tried to sabotage positivity in my life, told lies about me, you even went as far as dragging my boyfriend into it and even calling his job to complain because unfortunately he is your FedEx Ground guy. What was the point of calling FedEx and telling the history of you and I to his managers? How about when you told him that I was a liar and never to believe a word I said, as you had your notorious blank stare and flat affect. Do you really think he doesn’t know what went on between you and I? He does, all of it. The only one who looks ridiculous is you. Kind of like when you attacked him in the Pathmark years ago. You looked like an idiot with your entourage of little girls. I guess you thought that made you tough. I believe you’re a bully. Bullies are weak. They attack others to make themselves feel better about their own lack.
Skewed perception
It’s sickening that over time, my perception became so skewed that I actually believed that what you had done to me over the years was actually love. Even after three years of no contact, you still worked your way back in. You told me your behavior was all a big misunderstanding. You just wanted me to see how much you loved me. So court, stalking me, leaving roses and cd’s on my doorstep, calling from payphones so I couldn’t block the number, showing up where I was, calling the cops on me, running me off the road, instigating others to harass me, slander, attacking my boyfriend , physically attacking men that looked at me, is all love? Perhaps in your twisted, warped mind, in reality, not even close.
I wanted to believe they were all misunderstandings, my own lack of trusting myself at that time allowed me to trust someone as twisted as you instead. Not to mention the attention I was seeking. It was intoxicating, at first. I compare it to alcohol. I thought I was in love. Over time it made me sick, sad, depressed and addicted. I was addicted to what I thought was love. I have learned that it truly was not and never could be. I have realized that nobody else can give me the things I was looking for. I have them and I always have. It’s up to me to feel good about me.
You sought me out
I sure have come a long way over the years. There were plenty of times I wanted to die. I felt so depressed and lonely on the inside that I didn’t care. I certainly wasn’t taking good care of myself. An eating disorder, lack of boundaries, chaos, confusion about what love really is and allowing myself to be abused because I thought I needed to suffer in order to get love. I’ve learned that the law of attraction is true. I attracted you, a person as depressed and lonely on the inside as I was. The only difference is, I abused myself; you abuse others, primarily women. You must be really angry on the inside.
It’s scary to think that you actually sought me out. Don’t you think I knew what you wanted when you would show up at my job, trying to charm me? I guess showing up at my job was your last resort because you couldn’t find where I lived? Seemed as though you were shocked when I knew about the female that you have since married and refer to as wife. That mustn’t have fazed you, because you still put your hands on me and tried some of your slick moves. You tried to get your hands were you wanted them, down my jeans, as you were telling me how you and I should have been married with kids by then.
That didn’t work. I knew better. It’s funny how intelligence outsmarts cleverness. I was on to your scheme. I guess you’re left to playing games with your wife or whoever else will be naive enough to fall for it. Not me. I’m no longer the “little girl” that needs your attention. It’s even disturbing that that was your nickname for me.
Boils down to hurt
So there it is, in a nutshell. That’s certainly not all of it but I’m tired of writing for now. I could probably publish a book if I wanted to. Perhaps I should. I’m sure it would help somebody. I know I’m not the only person you’ve hurt. I guess that’s what it boils down to for me hurt. I trusted you, I defended you, I covered up for you, and I was in love with you. I saw the good in you. My heart was genuine, you took it for granted.
It is what it is; I have no regrets. For all things there is a reason. I turned my pain into power and that’s good enough for me. I am stronger and wiser now. I went to therapy, I helped myself and I am happy and healthy because of it. I made the effort, which made a difference in my life for me and everybody around me. It feels good when grown men and women tell me that they admire my courage and how proud they are of the changes I’ve made in my life. To me, that is success. I realized there was more to life than you. There’s Me, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my wishes.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards real recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Aug. 25, 2010.
FREE introduction to ‘Skills training for recovery from narcissistic abuse’
Jessica:
Welcom to LF!
No….your not crazy, plant those feet firmly on the ground and continue to educate yourself.
Keep up with the therapist and find your answers.
You’ll be okay….you really will!
Read around…..you;ll be surprised at what you can relate and connect with here at LF.
Your NOT CRAZY!!!!!!
Again – Welcome!
XXOO
EB
Dear Jessica, Welcome to LF! Nah, you’re not crazy, you’re in good company—none of us are crazy, we’ve just been lead to believe we are because the EVIL people who used and abused us thought that would be fun.
Stick around, if you have to have been involved with a psychopath you’ve come to the right place to heal! Welcome!
I found this site while googling sociopaths and trying educate myself about the craziness I have lived through for the past almost 7 years. I’ve not been with my ex-spath bf for over a year now as a couple but I’ve only been completely without any contact for two months now. He is back in jail for auto theft, hit and run, fugitive from parole, and theft of goods. He is a career criminal. When I first met him, he openly shared with me the fact that he had been incarcerated when younger for selling drugs mostly, some theft, but that God has changed his life. Having recently ended an 18 year marriage to a borderline/narcissist, I was extremely vulnerable and he really laid on the charm, affection, attentiveness and compliments. I took it hook, line and sinker. I could not get enough. Our sex life was amazing…wow, and I was in my early to mid-forties so I was prime anyway…LOL…seems we could not get enough of each other. It was like he was a magnet and I was constantly drawn to him no matter how he treated me. My first real sign, besides catching him high on cocaine shortly after we got together, was the fact that he told me he “loved” me within 2 weeks of meeting me. It wasn’t anytime until he had moved in to my home and it almost happened with me on the sidelines watching…I look back now and I compromised all my values for him…I allowed things I would have NEVER allowed before. It wasn’t long that I fell in love too though…or so I thought. Our relationship was fraught with constant drama, his mood swings, problems with drugs, i.e. marijuana, cocaine, alcohol, things I have never been around before in my life and certainly would not have chosen as constant companions. I have to say thought it was not all bad….we had TONS of fun and excitement but he was such the risk taker…hated the police, was a racist and had an ego bigger than Dallas!!! He fit all of the signs Donna listed as classic for the sociopath….ALL of them to a tee! He was very charming, charismatic and could talk me under the table and that’s a hard thing to do..LOL….Over time, I fell madly in “love” with him. Throughout our 6 year relationship, I caught him either with or doing drugs mulitple times, having brought them in to my home and he would also take my car and leave and be gone all day and not return my calls. I have even tracked him down in my daughters car and at one point he drove me to the point of actually physically attacking him because I was overwhelmed with his craziness…the drama, bizarre behavior. He is a huge con-artist and makes promises he never keeps under the guise of being a Christian….oh my, I could go on and on and on….you’ve all heard it. At one point we broke up and he was arrested for drugs….again. Long story short, he was sentenced to 5 years and had to do 2.5 years and after all I had been through with him, I made the decision to stand by him and then while incarcerated he supposedly had a “healing” experience, claiming God healed him mentally, physically (he always had tons of physical complaints) emotionally and spiritually. Others had told me he always gets spiritual while on the inside because he had spent a total of about 15 years of his life in prison…I regret the day I ever gave him a chance trying not to be judgemental because he had been locked up and knowing that only by the Grace of God go I…well, I have lived to deal with the pain and agony of all he did to me and my children over time. I visited this man almost every weekend in prison for almost 3 years, sent him money, paid for phone calls with all the plans we had for when he got out…and the sad thing is, I had a prison minister tell me there was real evidence that he truly was a “changed” man….and I believed it…well except for that sick feeling in my gut that I just wasn’t 100% convinced….but I “loved” him…and I mean I really did love him…I was totally devoted, 100% loyal for 3 years to him. In a nutshell, when he finally got out, he had no plans for re-entry back in to society, of course spath’s don’t make plans, but I made sure he had a place to live. My children loved this man even with all of his “faults” he made time for apologies and big crocodile tears when doing so….we all believed him. We all hoped and supported him….his own family would not but we did. I bought him a truck , got his drivers license for him, paid his truck insurance and had business cards made for him in an effort to “help” him get on his feet after getting out…after all, he was going to be my husband…we were going to get married…or so I thought. I don’t really know when he began using drugs again but I suspect it was within 6 weeks of his release because the economy was not good and jobs were falling through and he was not making progress and I was on him pretty hot and heavy to “make progress”…..after all I had waited 3 years!!! Almost 60 days to the date of his release, he violated his parole and went back to jail….did another 70 days, got back out and at that point I had broken it off with him but I was not over him…not at all but I could handle the “not being with him” better, probably because of all the time I had been “without” him when locked up. Things just gradually deteriorated over time and fast forward another year and he is back in jail…having stolen a “friend’s” car, some money and diamond jewelry. He was caught a week later when he wrecked the car and ran and they sicked the canine’s after him….too bad they didn’t bite his legs off…LOL…although I’ve not been with the spath in a relationship in well over one year, I continued to see him, talk to him, have sex with him on occasion and spend time with him over about a 6 month period…I even encouraged him to enter a ministry program for ex-cons that helps men get on their feet, i.e. jobs, checking accts, get established….he didn’t even last there but 3 months because he doesn’t like rules and he wanted to boss everyone…run the show. He continued to contact me by phone periodically until he was jailed this last time on 07/12/10 and since then he has tried to call from the jail a few times….like I would talk to him??? NOT!!!!!! He even had a girl call me whose bf was locked up with him telling me he wanted me to accept a call….wanted me to call her back….NOT!!!!!!!!!!! I know I may sound like I really am strong but I am not. Periodically I would still answer the phone up until he went back to jail. Although I had told me numerous times not to call, he claimed to want to be my “friend”…friend? huh? Friends don’t treat people like you have treated me after ALL I did for him….over a 6 year period and there is no way I could name everything….the man probably owes me atleast $40,000…easy. He has wrecked 3 of the vehicles I have owned…and each time I’d let him drive again…what on earth was wrong with me? I was hooked. It wasn’t until I’ve been away from him that I could see what he is and that he has the traits of a sociopath but the biggest thing to me is getting past the intense PAIN I have been in for quite a long time. Like you all say, they get in your thoughts and they linger….it happens almost every day to me….I still cry alot….I still think I miss him..but I do know its not him I miss but what I “thought” we had that did not really even exist. That is the HARDEST thing for me to accept. I am truly grieving and as long as I was with him and all I’ve been through, I am wondering….just how long will it take me to grieve through this….to where I won’t think about him every day? After I met him, within the first year, I knew he was not “normal”…not sure what was wrong with him but I knew things were not “right”. I studied online personality disorders and came across sociopath…he met the traits back then in 2004 and yet I talked myself out of believing he would ever intentionally do those kinds of things to me….after announcing his undying love for me….and so I am left to try and figure it all out. I’ve been reading your posts now for weeks and only now have I been able to write and share some of my story….it’s been way more horrific than I can put in to words and noone truly understands the intensity of it or just how BAD it has been for me except for those of you who have encountered a sociopath….I have to pinch myself every day to believe this has happened….and to me…I really thought I was a perceptive person….
I would welcome any thought, comments or advice for the grieving process and how to continue in my healing. Some days are better than others…today has been a rather “tearful” day…everywhere I go there is something that seems to remind me of him or us…I am glad there are so many of you that will share your story and what has “worked” for you….this is a process and I have a feeling it is going to take me a long time to move through the storm to the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days the pain is so deep it hurts to breathe…yet with God’s help I keep going….:)
Dear Survivor,
(((((HUgs)))))) Sugar you have been through the works—-I wish I could hold you in my arms and put a band aid on your boo boo and make you all “well” but I’m afraid it will take more than a band aid to fix this, and ONLY YOU CAN APPLY THE SALVE YOU NEED. It will TAKE time, as MUCH TIME AS IT TAKES.
Go google “Elizabeth Kubler-Ross” and her grieving process to give you some idea of the up and downs, the roller coaster you will go through. You haven’t lost anything of any worth, just your FANTASY of what you thought you had, and that I think is worse.
I have a son in prison, he is a psychopath, and a robber and a murderer and I was “there for him” and he also “found jesus” (don’t they all!) and it was ALL LIES FROM THE FIRST.
Yea, this happened, yea you fell for it, yea you gave in to temptation, but you are on the ROAD TO HEALING NOW. So LEARN, and keep on learning about them….but also learn about YOURSELF and why you gave in to this temptation from Satan, because that is who you were dating is SATAN HIMSELF, “Mr. EVIL” Mr. Liar, the BF from Hell, the teller of tales —he IS THE LIE.
Find your truth, heal yourself, forgive yourself, put yourself first, and keep on down that road toward healing, going through the grief, but finally emerging in a new and better place for YOU! Glad you are here! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Dear Oxy:
Thanks ever so much for your response and your advice and instruction. I have been reading your posts for quite a long time and I was hoping to hear from you actually. Yes, I have been through the works. Funny thing is that some days I think…I feel good today, I am getting over this…and then the very next day…I’m a train wreck! You are so right when you say I lost nothing of any worth….I know that now…and I know that what I miss is not real….I am dealing very much so with that on a daily basis. I almost lost relationships with my family over this man. My mom had him pegged from the start and tried to tell me, but my rose colored glasses had coke bottle lenses and I simply could not see it…I was in LUV…and wouldn’t see it. I, also because of my support of him and the fact that I wanted my family to believe he was “ok” and not a BAD man, I believed him over my family and now years later…I know my mom was right….I have learned a very valuable lesson…very. The good news is that I have rekindled and healed my relationship with my mother although I know that even some of the things my family did to me because of the spath were wrong and over the line, their motive was to protect me…. I know I am healing and many times the scab seems to be forming but then when I allow the spath to re-enter my thoughts, some of the scab falls off….he’s back in jail and I feel this time it will hopefully be for life….I intervened so many times for him while incarcerated…contacted the prosecutors office, wrote to the judge,etc…on his behalf….I feel like such a fool many times. Forgiving myself is also another big thing I am working on and yes I am and have been learning about ME. I have come a loooong way since June of 2009 and I know I am a person of value….I can safely say he did not destroy my self-esteem….and I cannot tell you why that is other than to say that because of my relationship with God, I know that my real worth is based in HIM anyway…I know that I am a woman of worth and that I deserve the best. I know what goes around comes around and its come back around to him. “That what a man sowed, that she he also reap”…. He is going to pay for what he has done to me and others who really cared about him. It’s like they reak havoc and leave a path of distruction and we are left to clean up the mess…ugh…..how sick…so very sick…I am with you Oxy…Satan he is…yet quotes the scriptures as though they were near and dear to him…a wolf in sheeps clothing….better yet…where the Bible speaks of a “double-minded” man….this is him to a tee. He is the LIE and I know it….if I could just get the old tapes to keep playing in my head and avoid all the triggers…this would facilitate my progress. I have made alot of changes lately…even replacing furniture I had when with him, got a new car he had not driven or ridden in or wrecked for that matter…LOL, lot of things. Unlike many, I am not bitter or afraid to the point of not wanting another man in my life because of all of this, but I have and am holding out for the one God has for me….and have become best friends with my “gut” and listening to that still small voice when things aren’t right.
I am glad to be here. This site has already helped and I am looking forward to continuing on in this journey with all of my fellow sojourners. I do know there is life after the spath!!! Hugs and thanks right back at you. Sweet dreams Oxy!
Welcome Strong Survivor = Thanks for sharing your story, you have found a great place here. Your gonna be ok..hang tuff.
Hi hens:
Thanks so much for your comments. Yes, I feel great about being here. Just the posting tonight has helped me and I am hanging…and yes, I am tuff. An 18 yr marriage to a BPD/N and then 6 yr relationship with a spath whom I absolutely adored….and I’m still standing…I’m healthy (well I’m no fitness queen or health nut but I’m in good health) and I am a professional with two great kids!! I guess the hard thing is noone, not even my girls, know exactly how deeply this whole ordeal has affected me…but knowing you guys know…HELPS tremendously and like I’ve always believed, noone can know until you have walked in that person’s shoes….and we all have! Hugs to you hens, and thanks for the support….XOXO
Survivor:
Welcome to LF…
It sounds like you are moving along the journey of healing in a positive manner!
Good for you for finding LF and searching for some answers to your questions.
Stay strong within yourself and read all you can about sociopaths and Cluster B’s.
You’ll be okay……the ups and downs are normal….unfortunately…..but enjoy the ups….and expect the downs….and know that they do pass.
I hope your feeling better tonight.
Get a good night rest and remember….tomorrow will be a better day.
Again….welcome to LF!
XXOO
EB
Oxy and hens,
Good nite…I’ve unloaded a bunch of stuff tonight and I feel like I could sleep like a baby! I’m turning in….sweet dreams to you both and thanks for listening….tomorrow is another opportunity for growth and more healing…I am beginning to actually feel…”this too shall pass”…..:)
Erin Brock,
Thanks for the welcome….glad to be here! I am moving….baby steps but I am getting there. Looking forward to more posting. Good night! 🙂 XOXO