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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He assured me he would never, could never hurt me like that again

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Bernice.”

I had been out of an 18-year marriage for a year when I met my lovefraud.

My husband was a selfish man who enjoyed his pornography. At the beginning I tried to be the good wife, experience things with him. The pornography I just couldn’t bring myself to enjoy. I explained to him that for me it was a major turn off, almost sickening some of it. All that accomplished was him watching alone. When the children came along we only grew further apart. Over the rest of the marriage he became more and more independent from the children and I, often treating us like we were an inconvenience. He would get up early and stay up late to indulge in his addiction. The computer, the TV, 1 900 calls and eventually other women. I put my life into my children. I often found myself covering for a father that had no time for the children who yearned to be with him. By the time that they were old enough to see through my excuses for why he wasn’t interested I finally realized that living like that was no good for any of us. So for the next year it was just the three of us.

I was so lonesome and desperately felt the need for someone to love me. With my children’s approval I put a profile on a dating site. It wasn’t long before I was chatting with a wonderful man who said all the right things, that was until he ask for money. I was devastated.  I managed to pull myself together and try again, thinking I now had that out of my system and would be much more aware from now on. I had my doubts of finding anyone. I had no intention of picking up and moving, he would have to come to me and at forty I didn’t think that was a very good possibility. Any man in my age range would be too young to retire but old enough to be settled into a job and a home that he wouldn’t want to pick up and move.

A perfect match

That was when I met him. I scanned every word, studied every picture. He seemed to fit in perfectly. He was so open with me about everything. We liked all the same things, wanted the same things and he was willing and able to come to me. He had worked for the same company since the day after his high school graduation.  At that job he had been exposed to some chemicals which made him and some others sick, leaving permanent damage. He explained that he was now receiving a permanent disability pension. He even sent me copies of medical reports. I couldn’t believe how lucky I had been to find such a perfect match. The time came when he was coming to meet us. He told me how he was packing all of his things and getting ready. That surprised me a little, I ask if he couldn’t just come for a visit to start with. He explained that he had no where to go back to. My loneliness and desire to have someone to love me along with the foolish idea that I wouldn’t find another chance overruled the flashing warning sign in the back of my mind.

Then he was here. He was everything my ex-husband had never been. He helped with everything in the house and on the farm. He was here, with us, not off some where avoiding us. He was good with my children and all of their friends who seemed to make our home the go to place. There had been one slight misunderstanding, he wasn’t actually receiving any disability payments however was still fighting to. My bad. Over the next couple months everything seemed wonderful despite the shortage of funds. He assured me it would all work out, he was going to take care of everything.  There was some tension with the kids, I thought because I wasn’t able to afford everything that teenagers wanted right then. Five months after this wonderful man arrived in our lives it was like I suddenly slipped into an episode of “The Twilight Zone”. My son and I argued like never before, I don’t even remember what it was about, and he moved to his Dad’s home, followed one week later by his little sister. I was completely devastated. How could they leave me for their Dad? I had been the one that was always there for them, whatever they needed. I listened to them complain about their Dad’s selfish lack of interest and time for them. Now he was the one they chose to be with?

Thankfully my new, perfectly wonderful man was right there beside me. He held me while I cried for hours at a time. Told me everything would be ok. Helped me through the day to day routine until I was able to stand on my own again. We started working towards a dream I had of raising Gypsy Vanner horses. I had never believed it would be anything more than a dream and now this man was making it a reality. All the time I was trying to be available to my children and revive a relationship with them. He managed to insert “his opinion” of the kids, how they treated me and how they should be treated, every chance he got. He became increasingly opinionated the more contact I had with my children. He was also getting a little more controlling of our day to day life. Always telling me that it was my decision and he was merely offering advice. However, when I didn’t take his advice it was clear that he was disappointed.

Pornography again

Then it happened, I suspected him of viewing pornography on the computer.  We had discussed this before he moved in. I explained how I wouldn’t tolerate such a thing and why.  I confronted him about it and he assured me I was mistaken. I felt so bad for having suspected him, thought I was just paranoid. I explained to him again why I felt so strongly about it. He told me he understood. I guess he just didn’t care because it wasn’t long until I caught him at it and he couldn’t deny it. This time he told me he heard me, he hadn’t realized before just how much it hurt me. I guess he now knew but must not have cared about it any way. The next time I found him in front of the computer I told him he had to go, I couldn’t live like that anymore. For the next two days we talked in circles. He begged for forgiveness, told me he would never do it again. I stood my ground and eventually phoned his brother who immediately came to help me convince him he had to go.

I was so confused. It was like a major weight had been lifted from my shoulders. At the same time I was mourning the loss of what we were going to do, all the plans. I was so angry at him for just throwing everything we had away like that. I missed the company, the help, the good things we had.

Over the next three months I was a whirlwind of emotions, never sure exactly what I wanted. He emailed constantly and phoned often. Always telling me how sorry he was, how much he missed me. A few times he drove in the yard around 4am without letting me know he was coming. He always had the excuse that he came to get something he needed and would take the time to do something he could see needed to be done for me. There was always the talking. He insisted on sitting so close that we were touching in some form. He would look me in the eye and tell me how he was changing. He had been getting counseling and was understanding how wrong he had been. There was always the tear in his eye when he said how much he missed me, the pets and everything we had here together. He assured me he would be able to be all I needed him to be and that if he were home it would be so much easier for him to prove that to me. Of course it was always my decision though. I finally agreed to try again and he came home.

Working things out

I told him just how big this was for me, to forgive him the one thing I had sworn to never live with again. I said I didn’t want to live with suspicion, always wondering what he was doing when I wasn’t looking.  Once again, with that intense eye contact, he assured me, promised he would never, could never hurt me like that again. He said that even if no one would ever find out his conscience wouldn’t allow him to hurt me with pornography again. We were working things out again, I was becoming more comfortable with him and he was so very attentive and caring. He had been back only two weeks when I came in from the field early one day. He had been working around the yard that day but wasn’t in the house when I got there. The first thing I noticed when I passed by the computer was that the volume button was turned on, something we rarely used. I felt sick. As I sat down I was praying I was wrong, that I wouldn’t find what I knew was there. I looked at the recent history and there it was, a list of videos watched. I went from one to another, the knot in my stomach tightening with each new video.

I took a deep breath, steadied myself and began making supper. He came in all smiles and began washing up. I started one of his videos and cranked the volume. I have no idea what he had been telling me about, just waited for him to hear the computer. It wasn’t the reaction I expected. When he heard his first reaction was to ask me what I thought I was watching. I ask him how his conscience was as he past through to look at the computer. He said it was fine. I guess I expected groveling, pleading for forgiveness, excuses. He actually left the video playing and came back to the kitchen with a sheepish grin. He told me he was working on his problem and that he was much better than he had been. He held his arms out as he got closer and almost laughed when I stepped back and told him I would rather beat him to a pulp than embrace him. He acted like I was over reacting; it was really not that big of a deal. I walked out, had to get away from him to think. I got in my truck and left, it was well after dark when I came home again. I had come to the conclusion that I would carry on as if nothing had happened at least when anyone else was around. My Dad was only a week away from major heart surgery and there was no way I wanted to be the cause of any more stress in my parents lives right then.

He became more controlling

We fell into a routine. It wasn’t a good relationship, I was distant and he acted like he was just letting me work through my little fit. When we argued he would pout like a child, sometimes walk out in the middle of the night, his last words “if I don’t come back don’t worry.” I didn’t. He started to get more controlling. No longer giving his opinion but rather telling me the way things would be, what we bought and didn’t buy. He was either rude to my children when they came or he would leave while they were there.

My son was there one day working on a trailer he had just gotten. I still don’t know what was said between the two of them but my son left, very angry, and said he wouldn’t be back. My guy, ha, came to the house and told me he wanted to talk to me in the garage. I took my time getting there, about an hour I think. He was still furious. He told me how my son had thrown tools and motor parts around, he had been rebuilding an engine at the time. He stated that this was his place and my son was all done just showing up. He claimed he was considering getting a restraining order to keep my children away from then on.

I just walked away, let him cool his heals. Then, like always, the next morning he acted like nothing had happened. That was when I sat him down and told him I no longer wanted to live with him. All I got in return was that unblinking stare before he got up and left. I think it was only about a week, though it felt like a month, I would tell him he had to go, it was over, we were done and he would either tell me I was wrong, we could work it out or he would walk away. Then when he returned it was like nothing had happened all over again.

Getting him out

I was going insane; I didn’t know how to get him out. I lived like he didn’t exist, went about my business ignoring him. He finally said one day that he was going to call a pastor that we had talked to a few times, I went to the bedroom and closed the door. The pastor came right away and ask if I could come sit with them. He listened and watched us both.  Then he suggested that my partner “take a sabbatical” for both our sake. Give me time to heal and work on himself then perhaps we could consider trying again. I was so relieved when he agreed to do this that I almost cried. All I could think was that this would get him out! He left the next day. I emailed the pastor and told him how I felt and that I had no intention of trying again. He informed me that he felt that was the situation and he was also glad that is suggestion had taken.

Well he was gone but he wasn’t about to let me forget. The emails came some times several a day and phone calls as well. He had only been gone two weeks when he informed me he was coming back. After he talked to me I could decide if I wanted him to stay or not. I panicked. I got hold of the pastor who advised me not to be alone with him. I called my son who dropped everything and said he was on his way but wouldn’t get here in time. I called my mother and she came to be here with me. When he walked in the door you could almost see the steam, he wanted me alone. I said that would never happen. He claimed then that this was as much his home as it was mine and he wasn’t going to leave. My son slipped in and quietly sat at the end of the table. I told him he could either go on his own or he would be forced out. He said go ahead call the police. I did.

They came with in 15 minutes. He was standing outside when they pulled in. One officer talked to him outside and the other to me in the house, then they switched. They told him he had to leave. He screamed and yelled until they put him in their car. When he calmed enough to talk again he told them he couldn’t go because someone had put gravel in his fuel tank. One of the officers came to the house and ask my son if he had done it. We went out to look. Until then I was unaware that a friend of my son’s had been sitting in his truck all along. I talked to him to see if he had thrown the gravel in the tank. He assured me he wanted they guy gone as badly as I did, he wouldn’t have done anything to keep that from happening. I believe the police even thought he had sabotaged it himself. They told him to just get in this truck and go, there was a service station a mile away where he could clean his tank out if need be. He left but he didn’t give up.

Begging and pleading

He continued with emails, begging and pleading, bribing and threatening. I finally had a lawyer write to him and tell him any further contact was to come through her. That made him angry. He then turned his energy to taking everything I had as well as his own things. He would not negotiate, he wanted all he could get. My lawyer advised me to let him come get his things and then he might calm down and go away. I knew it wouldn’t be that easy but didn’t know what else to do. He spent three days with family members loading and hauling things away. He was rude to me and my family, his family didn’t speak or make eye contact with me and his sister took pictures of everything and of me every time I moved. They talked about damage to this and that, took pictures of anything I said had to stay and said he would deal with that later. By the time the end of the third day came I felt naked and totally violated. He was gone, his things were gone and I told myself it would only get better now. I was wrong.

There was about a month after he had hauled everything away that I didn’t hear from him. I was just starting to feel like the sun might come out again when the emails started again. He actually wrote and told me he thought we could still work through this little bump. Unbelievable! I have contacted my lawyer again but she has yet to get back to me. I don’t know where to go from here. Only time will tell.


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68 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He assured me he would never, could never hurt me like that again"

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I wouldn’t place a bet this guy is going to just go away on his own anytime soon. It seems you have some things he really wants and he’s not giving up.

I would document everything. Keep all the emails. I would call your attorney again and tell her office you need advice right now. I would not respond to ANY contact from him.

In no circumstances should you ever again allow him to enter your property, and most especially your home, without law enforcement as a buffer.

I don’t want to sound alarmist or overly dramatic, but this story has sirens going off in my head. Please be very careful.

Restraining orders. On him and his enabling minions.
Agreed with DawnG, he is dangerous until he finds a new victim.

Bernice, I am so sorry to read of your experiences and the aftermath. I can identify with your loneliness, reaching out, and believing that you found “Mr. Right.”

From my own experiences, I would agree that a restraining order is the second step AFTER your change all of your contact information, no matter how inconvnenient it might be. Any road that this predator can find back in to exploit your vulnerabilities needs to be shut down and closed off. Seal this predator OUT of your recovery.

As long as he can throw that baited lure of “love” out to tempt you to believe his machinations, he is a complete danger to you and your children.

Thank you for your courage, Bernice. And, hold TIGHT to your children and your soul. You’ll get through this, even if it seems like you won’t.

Brightest supportive blessings

Ladies…please…don’t ever allow a man to move into your home. This is what happens when you want them gone…you can’t get them out. So sorry this had to happen.

Louise, I would go a step further and recommend that NOBODY allow ANYBODY to move into their home (romantic partner OR platonic friend) without a cash deposit and a signed renter’s agreement that covers EVERYTHING from utility expenses to shared food.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak:

Hallelujah…I agree wholeheartedly!! I have never had a roomate in my entire life. No way. This is exactly why. The only other person I have ever lived with other than my parents and siblings is when I was married at one point in my life. Even the guy who I was in a 20 year relationship with did NOT even have a key to my house! I wouldn’t allow it.

Bernice,

You will be much better off with him gone. He sounds like a real leech. Don’t ever let a man come between you and your children, that is a major red flag.

Bernice,

I am so happy for you – that is you are listening to your gut feeling, tuning into the behavior, not the words, and little by little getting on with your own life. CUT HIM OUT!!

What did I identify with the most? Well, I too had come to the conclusion that if I were always to carry on as if nothing had ever happened – all would be “fine.” If I was willing to hear a lame get off my back, don’t hold me accountable apology, then I would probably still be married.

If I was willing to put a muzzle on all my thoughts. Zip my lips about anything that had a “bad feel”. If I was willing to just not talk about “it” THEN life went mostly smooth……

But the problem as I experienced it was such an oppressive way to live. It was so very stifling, controlling and of course the cover… the mask. You (we) must be silenced so as not to blow their cover and help hold their mask on when it slips.

I couldn’t live like that. I had maybe 2 fleeting episodes of suicidal thoughts because I felt that here the person I am supposed to be the closest to, the most intimate with won’t even hear me, my thoughts, my cares, my worries…. well, that is because those thoughts, cares and worries directly related to his behavior.

I’ve learned a lot. I was bonded to him/addicted in a twisted way and I knew it.

Getting out is such a free feeling. Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but the fighting, confusion, blame, feel so much heavier than loneliness. And loneliness is fleeting

Bernice, I wish you a wonderful relationship with your kids, peace and love.

Grey Rock……and a shot gun. Get the order of protection to prove he had no business on your property and when he shows up……….

Hopefully he gets the message you aren’t playin’ around and want him gone and he moves on.

I wish you peace.

Dear Bernice,

CONTACT ONLY THROUGH YOUR ATTORNEY….change your phone number, change your e mail, block him in every way you know, if he shows up on your door step, call 911 and tell the police he is there and is unwanted. If he persists, get a restraining order.

Do not let this man pull you back into his web again. Heal yourself and your relationship with your children. You do NOT need someone in your life who is hell bent on controlling your every breath as well as lying to you again and again and again.

Read the new article Donna posted today about “sociopathic tendencies or full blown sociopath?” It will explain it to you much better than I can.

God bless Bernice and hang in there NO CONTACT is your salvation and it will also get easier as time goes on. Thanks for your article!

Distressed Grandmother

Dear Bernice,
Restraining order no contact at all!! You remind me of my daughter a man is not worth it. The first mistake is having a man come in your home. If they do not have there own home at that age there is something wrong. The second mistake is listen to your children they were there first they had there reasons to want to leave. What makes you different from my daughter is you let them leave which under the circumstances were the best thing for the kids because in my daughters case he keeps the kids around to use them to hurt people it is part of his game. I do feel sorry for you as it will not be easy but worth it to get him out of your life for good.Your children are standing by you do not let them down again.

Oh, guys, I agree about the “never allow someone to move into your home” without a SIGNED agreement…but RENTERS have “rights” and getting them out can take MONTHS AND LOTS OF HELL.

I would though advise any co-habitation agreement be drawn up by an attorney and each person advised of their “rights” under such an agreement…and in addition, I think there should be a PRE-NUPTUIAL FINANCIAL AGREEMENT BEFORE EVERY MARRIAGE OUTLINING WHAT THE FINANCIAL SPLIT IS in the event of divorce—because other wise the cost of the wangling in court is horrible and the lawyers get the bulk of what the couple has.

I also advise that NO couple co-habit or marry sooner than at least 18 months of intense courtship during which time you get to know their families and their friends, PLUS the “agreement.”

Distressed Grandmother

Dear Bernice,
All the above are right and have given you good advice. It is a not so nice world out there but unfortunately we have to get burnt pretty bad before we see this. Everyone should protect themselves the best they can in life it is not fare to the good people but if they are good people they will understand it they do not understand they are not worth it.

Also, I would get locking gas caps for your vehicles. That gravel in the gas tank which you think he did to himself can be a clue to you what he is capable of and what he thinks. It’s a farely inexpensive precaution.

Just my thoughts. It’s too bad these pains in the butt are like a cold sore or a fungus. lol……keeps coming back or just won’t go away…..

I agree with getting something legal in writing before letting someone move in with you. I’ve heard too many horror stories lately.

My brother was dating a woman and let her move in with him. It was a real hard luck story. It wasn’t a month before she quit her job, moved in her two teenaged daughters that were supposed to be in the ex-husband’s care, and they all began living in the spare bedroom. They all literally lived off big brother like parasites. He asked her to leave and she refused. He went to a lawyer and ended up having to serve her, at his own home, with an eviction notice. She left on day 30.

Planned in advance? I think so.

Spaths don’t like it when you end it. They want it to be their idea. They want to get bored and discard you but by then they already have another victim. I sent my ex’s latest victim a Facebook posting warning her she is with a sociopath. She blocked me. Hey I tried to save her from her abuser. She will be blogging on here soon enough. SAD!

DLD1965:

That is why mine wouldn’t give me the closure I was desperately asking from him. I had to make my own closure.

So true so true… The moving in and the idea of ending it and no closure, It happened to me. One “friend” with spath tendencies once said: I’ll get them, before they get me. One of the most honest words that ever will come out of a spaths mouth.

Sunflower:

They always have to have the last word, you bet. I literally begged mine for closure and it didn’t happen.

I think the no closure thing is their way of keeping us hanging, having the door open so they can return when they want to. They would/ will exploite it to their benefit. If we all had closure and gotten answers to our questions, we wouldn’t need a place like LF I guess.

Sunflower, LOL – right!

Survivors, as I”ve noticed, seem to provide their own form of closure as they recover. I’m looking foward to feeling that, myself.

Last word? Uh…..WE have the “last word” when we employ “No Contact.” BAM….I’m done with you, completely. Another spectacular benefit of NC is that the spath cannot learn the extent of damage that their former targets have suffered. They WANT to know that we’re desperate and in pieces because it fuels their sense of control and power. NC takes that away from them, including the “last word.”

Brightest blessings

Lol, maybe you’re right. Feels so much better now 😀 I got the last word!La la la la la revenge feeling satisfied 🙂

Sunflower:

Absolutely! I have said the same thing about no closure and keeping the door open. I told my friends that about what spath has done to me with no closure and his motives for doing that. I’ve said many times on here how mine would never tell me to f*ck off. I even asked him to and he never would. Keeping the door open. And then someone on here (I can’t remember who) asked WHY I would ask HIM to tell me to f*ck off and I said because that way, I would know it was over…that he was making that decision and I would no longer bug him (this was all last year). But, he won’t do any of this and I think in his mind it is so he can come back even if it’s years later. Why else wouldn’t you tell someone to go away?

Exactly! If I had closure…if he would just tell me SOMETHING…tell me what is going on, what went on, I would have so much more peace, but no, he can’t do that. These are the things that trigger anger in me. UGGHHHH. But today is my birthday and I am trying so hard to focus on that and be happy. I am making my own closure.

I don’t have time to respond to the other threads so I’ll get back to it later. I just want to say to Louise: It’s your birthday and try to see him being gone as the birthday present. If he was around he would have done something to mess your birthday up and you’d feel bad about your self. The nicest thing he could ever do to you was to get the h*ll out of your life. Treat your self nice today, you deserve it. You are a fighter, good things will come. Remember you will find peace and love eventually, He on the other hand will be tormented forever. Take care 🙂

Sunflower:

I don’t have time right now either as I am getting read to leave already for my birthday stuff, but thank you so much…that makes me feel so much better!! Wow. I will respond more later tonight when I get back. Right now I feel like I am the one being tormented, but in the end, it will be him forever.

Louise and Sunflower

Thank you for your thoughts on “leaving the door open”. He discarded me and I too wanted the closure. He wouldn’t give me any truth. I had to guess at everything. He was very effective at keeping me from finding out the truth. His friends didn’t know I existed except as some crazy stalker (smear campaign). Then I finally got a hold of him to please come and help me with my house that was left me in my divorce. It was falling apart and I couldn’t afford to pay to have anything done. He knew this and took full advantage of that to control me. He said yes he would help me. Well he hit on me within 10 minutes of coming over. He told me he has a girlfriend (which he told me he never wanted) and she was back in Seattle until she could find a job in our area. He has only known her for 2.5 months. She was visiting their mutual friends. He wanted us to be friends with benefits until she gets moved here. Then he will be “true” to her because “he didn’t want to cheat on her”. He left the door open to me. UNBELIEVABLE! He had cheated on 2 other women with me. One I knew about but, I was so in love with him I compromised my values and principles. The other one I didn’t know about. We live 25 miles from each other in different towns. If I would ask him if he thinks what he has asked me to do is OK, he would say yes. Talk about entitlement and inability to recognize the rights of others. Holy c__p. I now know why they “leave the door open”. I’m still in shock and I know what he is. I’ve known for 2 years. I stood and looked at pure insanity. It’s almost laughable.

It’s so frustrating to have been left feeling like I can’t trust anyone. To be suspicious of everyone I talk to, especially through the computer. It’s like being chased into a corner where you have to protect yourself from everyone and everything. You’re alone against the world and its impossible to know the friends from the enemies. I feel ashamed for having gotten myself into such a situation and so very angry that someone could do this to another person. Strip them of who they where and leave them forever changed simply for thier own benefit. It’s hard not to just withdraw from society all together in hopes of never being hurt again.

Yeah I agree on that. I’m trying to find new friends after all that’s happened, but every time I meet a new person, even if it’s a female, I too become very suspicious. I just can’t trust anyone anymore.
“It’s hard not to just withdraw from society all together in hopes of never being hurt again. “- sometimes I think we do it also because of the triggers. I know I do. I just can’t handle being triggered so it’s safer to just stay home.

Hi Guys,

to start Gypsy Vanners are cool horses. I have quarter horses myself.

Well my ex idiot has decided now to start coming to team penning all the time. First it was with the horse we broke together then both of his horses. Ironically, the horse I rode and loved laid him out in the middle of the arena. I wasn’t there to see it as I was at a show, but heard from everyone when I got home. Last weekend no horses, but he came hung with two women I know and he met before and during me. The older woman grinded into him and stood close all night. I think they are either together or she wants to be. She has a long term relationship for years which she’d be stupid to leave. Anyway he acts when people are around like he doesn’t know me and stays far away. When he left last saturday I happened to be working cattle standing close to where he passed he looked towards me, threw his head back laughed smiled and waved then left. Yeah, I get it he wants me to react and I’m not. He is in my barn and the barn owner knows what’s going on and watches him. I realize they can’t ban him until and unless he does something and he know that too, but I want this to end.

I began dating a month or so ago a childhood friend I have know my whole life. We both still live on the same street and I know his whole family. He’s a really good guy and I’m an idiot not to have noticed this many years ago. We go on “G” rated dates alot with my son like roller skating or down to the river. So we shall see.

My son also got high point year end walk trot 13 and under for his first year competing and I’m sitting at reserve champion amateur versatility in my stock horse association, which I am a new board member of.

Things are better for the most part and I hope my ex idiot eventually moves on until then I just pretend he doesn’t exist and try not to be alone with him ever.

-Jennifer

this is the danger of not healing from a long dysfunctional relationship. you end up attracting another one just like the first. or the second, or the third.

there is a reason all of us have attracted these sociopathic relationships… until we can understand this about ourselves and accept this and heal it, we’ll keep having the same relationship over and over again….

Dear Louise:
Your quote: “If I had closure”if he would just tell me SOMETHING”tell me what is going on, what went on, I would have so much more peace, but no, he can’t do that”

I read on a different site something that really struck me as being true in my case. I’ll paraphrase it:

“The time of waiting and hoping for change is when the most harm is done.”

For me, that’s what kept me stuck even though I had distanced myself from him. I only saw or talked to him occasionally, but inside my head, my hope and belief was that we were keeping the door open between us because there was still the hope we could make it work. Instead, he was living with another woman and I didn’t even know it!! I was so shocked I felt like I couldn’t breathe. So why was he still coming to my house, calling & texting me, telling me that he loved me? WTF!! He was playing me and keeping me around in case the OW didn’t work out…so I made my own closure. I ended it right then. It is hard, yes. It is lonely, oh so lonely sometimes. Do I cry, not as much as I did 3 months ago. And like the rest of us, I wish it hadn’t ended this way, because I truly loved him.

But by me ending it, oh the power & control I felt over my own life was wonderful!! I hadn’t felt that way for so long! And the other woman…well, she’ll find out. Because he can’t ever, and I mean NEVER, will he change. So good luck with that. And the poster that said if we remain NC with them, means they will never again find out how we are thinking or feeling about them and our (bleak, but they don’t know that) future. How true!! Another small victory for me. Because that kind of thing drives him crazy.

Try to give yourself one small victory a day. It is how mountains are climbed, companies are built, any dream is accomplished. I try to stay so focused on my one small victory over him every day, as a special gift to myself. And every day of NC is actually a HUGE victory. I have so much gratitude for that. I pat myself on the back every day. Somebody has to!! Good luck with your situation. Know I will be thinking about you and pulling for you.

I’ve been in a year-long state since the intital discovery of what I’d been married to. Without this site and intense counseling with someone who “got it,” I can’t even begin to imagine where I would be, right now.

Closure. It’s something that we all talk about, at some point, and it just occurred to me that “closure” can be translated into some sort of validation. We want (at least, I wanted) an explanation. I also “needed” to know that the things that I experienced weren’t simply meaningless – that I somehow “deserved” the experiences. These are things that, IMHO, I can provide myself. I no longer need to hear the exspath say, “Yeah, I hurt you and threw you away like a snotrag.” I already know this. Hearing him say it wouldn’t mean much other than he had some sort of regret or conscience. I know that this is not possible, and it finally has struck me as “true.”

I agree that each day is another day to experience even the tiniest of victories. Going “No Contact” is the first of many. Once that line is cut, the lure still floats in the water, but it’s no longer a threat unless I bite on the lure and get it stuck in my mouth. There’s no line that the spath can play and reel in, anymore. It’s just a choking hazard, anymore.

Trust. I wish to trust people, in due time. At this point, I do not choose to trust because I am finally (at this late stage) learning HOW to judge whether a person has EARNED my trust, or not. So, I’m a novice at the trust-issue. I’m not bitter. I’m not mean. And, I’m not hateful. I’m just LEARNING how trust is to be granted, under what circumstances, and to whom. And, this is a fabulous epiphany! It’s not that I “don’t trust” other people. It’s simply a matter that I “won’t trust” other people until they earn it, and I LEARN it!

My brightest blessings to everyone, this morning

newlife43:

Great post…thank you! I am climbing that mountain, steady, one day at a time.

Good for you for ending it! Yes, that gave you all the power and I love that for you! But what about when THEY end it?? It gives THEM all the power and that is what happened to me. I don’t even want power and am the farthest thing away from a control freak, but it just makes me feel so helpless when someone has ALL the power and controlled the situation like a trip to the moon! It’s just so hard and only time is going to help all the hurt.

Funny situation that you describe about him being with another woman and you didn’t even know it. Inside my head during a long period of no contact, I also had this delusion, the hope, that someday maybe he would contact me again and then found out an old girlfriend was living in our city now. No wonder he hadn’t contacted me; he was most likely busy with her and still married, too or perhaps separated…I don’t know. I don’t know anything about him now so I don’t REALLY know what is going on (and that’s a good thing). I can speculate, but I don’t know. All I do know is he wants nothing to do with me. The funny thing is though the last time I ever saw him, he was so excited to see me and jumped up and walked across the place to greet me and I pretty much ignored him. I think I gave him a narcissistic injury. I have never seen him since. If I track back, it is after that where he hasn’t had anything to do with me. Perhaps I hurt his ego? I’ve even asked him what did I do? Was it this, was it that? He wouldn’t answer me…just blatantly ignored my texts. I guess that gave me my answer. It’s just so hard to go from someone they like to someone they won’t talk to at all?? Really? I just don’t get it especially when I did NOTHING wrong.

Can anyone give me insight to this? If I can’t get answers from him, maybe I can get answers from you all on here.

Same goes for me Louise. Same story…
Yes, what about when they end it? I can’t quite figure out if he left or was it me when I refused to crawl after him.
This is very confusing.
The easiest answer must be that when we were totally drained, they went out to find their next fix before they totally ended it without any regrets or look backs.

Songwriters: ADKINS, ADELE LAURIE BLUE / SMITH, FRASER LANCE THORNEYCROFT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pufx9Cq_TOQ&feature=related

Set Fire to the Rain

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it,
It was dark and I was over,
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me,
My hands, they’re strong, but my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms without falling to your feet,

But there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say, they were never true, never true,
And the games you’d play, you would always win, always win,

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried,
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name,

When laying with you I could stay there,
Close my eyes, feel you here forever,
You and me together, nothing gets better,

‘Cause there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say, they were never true, never true,
And the games you’d play, you would always win, always win,

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried,
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames,
Well, It felt something died,
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time.

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for ya,
Even now when we’re already over,
I can’t help myself from looking for ya.

I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touch your face,
Well, it burned while I cried,
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames,
Well, it felt something died,
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh,
Oh, no,
Let it burn, oh,
Let it burn,
Let it burn

She’s amazing to me. Thanks for that.

I’m rethinking the closure and “leaving the door open” thing. Closure is something that “emotionally “normal” people try to get. Sociopaths simply don’t care about anyone or about closure. They do not view things like the rest of us. They just walk away and move on to the next without giving the last one a second thought. I think the “leaving the door open” is something that us discarded ones hold onto as a last thread of “maybe” he does want me. Painful as it is, it really is over. Goes along with the addiction and why we hung in there so long knowing how bad it was for us.

Kmillercats,

I read this article called “hello old friend” and it was a letter from your drug of choice saying how it will haunt you in your sleep, be there every waking moment, at your most important moments basically terrorizing you and it won’tt be happy until your dead is how it ended and my counselor handed it to me and told me to put my exes name in place of the drug of choice name and the story fit just perfectly with his name too. Very awakening

Dupey:

Oh, yeah, set fire to the rain…my favorite Adele song! Been loving it for months now. I’ve sang it in my car at the top of my lungs.

kmillercats:

You are right. If we keep the fact that they are not like us, they are not normal, at the forefront, we will be better off. They do move on without a thought. The one I knew…his brain really did work much differently even in just the day to day thinking of things. Weird. They are different. Very different. That’s probably what was so addicting to us. I do have to say though that a couple years ago, I actually asked him if he was keeping the door open and he admitted he was. So sometimes they do, but I do agree with you. Mostly they don’t care.

Eralyn:

That is chilling. Oh, God, I feel like that will be me!! Forever there in my thoughts and tormenting me until I’m dead.

If you don’t use the “drug” it will get easier as time goes on. I plan on getting to the point where I hardly ever think of the drug. Kind of like how often I think about some people from back in high school. Rarely, because they are so removed from memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

Songwriters: LAWRENCE, DREW C. / PERRI, CHRISTINA JUDITH / YERETSIAN, BARRETT NOUBAR

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

FYI
This has already aired. But it will be available at the link at the bottom in a day or so. There are other topic that may be of interest.

This week on YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA we’ll be looking at “Resilience & Meaning After Trauma”.

How do we activate resilience after trauma? And how do we make meaning out of what we’ve survived? These are two of the most asked questions in the trauma world. For our next show we’re looking at them from a slightly different perspective than ever before ”“ through the eyes of a best-selling author and also a survivor who is creating something out of the chaos of her life after trauma.

http://yourlifeaftertrauma.com/radio/archives/

Louise,

I promise it will pass. It will be slow and take too long for your liking but it will become less and less.

Sunflower,

That is the song my daughter dedicated to her bio-hazard dad in the car on the way home from her court ordered meetings with him. I had never heard it and she tried to tell me about it. One day it played on the way home and she said the first kiss part didn’t apply. (good) I asked if she would tell him about the song and she said ‘No way, he’ll just tell someone I dedicated a song to him and not tell them which one and try to make them think I want him in my life! I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t worry so much as I knew “she gets it”!!

She also dedicated MEAN by Taylor Swift

I had that thought my self when I received the text from my spath, if I should just send him that song in reply, but I chose not to. I didn’t want to feed his ego.

Sounds to me like she gets it. Good 🙂

MD Cowgirl,

It IS difficult when you “have to see” the X….either that or give up something that is important to you, and I assume from your post that your horse activities are important to you.

My X BF that I consider a P (there is evidence but no PROOF that owuld stand up in court that he burned down the house of the GF previous to me) anyway, he is iin the same living history group I am. He usually doesn’t go to the smaller more local events around here but he ALWAYS shows up at the big regional events.

I didn’t go to the last big regional event but he was there and my son saw him. Some people that I know still associate with him, even camp near him and his new wife…those people KNOW what kind of a jack ass he is even if they aren’t fully convinced he burned the woman’s house (and some are convinced of that and STILL associate with him)

When I HAVE SEEN HIM though, I immediately GO BLIND where he is concerned. I do not act like I see him, if he speaks I do not answer, I am DEAF too. I just walk on.

I don’t go to the big regional events much any more because the last few years they have been 700 or more miles away from us (it is a 5 state region and one of the states is Texas and the events have been in the south part of that.) but I will not stay home if I want and am able to go because of him.

As for those of my “friends” who associate with him, that’s their right, but it doesn’t endear them to me…doesn’t elevate them in my opinion. The people who know what he is and choose not to associate with him because they know what he is…those people I respect. I sort of figure if you knowingly associate with people that you know are bad/evil/hateful/mean/dishonest (even if you dont’ know what a “psychopath” is) then maybe you are not all you should be yourself. “Birds of a feather flock together.”

Jar of hearts…loved that song also from the moment I heard it.

spoon:

Thank you for the link.

kmillercats:

I’m not quite sure about that. My ex texted me 3 months later and he said he just wanted to see if he could come in contact with me. He just wanted to see if we could be friends, then he apologized about how he treated me during our break up.

“just wanted to see if” and “apologize for what happened the last week” ehm… what about our entire relationship? If I may translate his language it means: I’m just wanting to see if I can twist you around my finger again… I’ll tell you this, if I hadn’t found LF before then and started working on my own closure, I woulda run straight back into his arms….

I will never underestimate a spath. They may not care a damn thing, but I would rather be safe than sorry and attribute them some xtra qualities.

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