Married life
I also need to insert here that the first car got paid off and he insisted he needed a brand new one ”¦ I tried to tell him we couldn’t afford it, but he said he made $21 an hour, which he did, and he deserved a new car. I put my damn name on a brand new 2012 car.
I also need to add that he drank liquor every night, drove drunk, and I also started finding pills and snorting straws ”¦ He convinced me that he broke into his mom’s house and found the drugs and straws and was gonna use it against him mom. Stupid me believed him again!!! He kept telling me he got drunk to erase the pain of his childhood and the separation from his kids.
I also forgot to mention when I confronted him about his girlfriends or the drinking or anything he didn’t agree with, I was a b*tch, whore, just like his mom and his ex wife!!! I got so used to the name calling it never surprised me when he said it ”¦ I was numb to it.
Girls move in
Two months after we were married, his mom called him and told him that he could have his kids ”¦ she is very sick (that is a fact) and couldn’t care for them anymore. He told me to be patient with them because it was going to be hard on them moving into a new place. I told him I would do anything to make it easier on them and all of us (my daughters moved out by now, only son at home) and he agreed.
His 12-year-old started acting horrible ”¦ neither of them would bathe, pick up after themselves, go to bed at night (he works night shift so was not at home), and the 12-year-old would not eat anything I cooked. She told her dad she only eats spaghetti o’s and he would buy her dozens of cans of them.
He also let them bring 4 boy cats in the house and the litter box wasn’t changed. My house stunk soooo bad!!
She would scream at me and tell me I was crazy and did not want me as a stepmom and did not want any stepsisters or brother. He would pat her, literally pat her on the back and say “good job honey.”
She would also sit on his lap and would cry at night for him to sleep with her. I told him it wasn’t normal for a dad to sleep with his 12-year-old and he SPAT in my face twice for it.
Dad forces him out
Evenutally, my daddy got wind of it and told him to leave ”¦ he looked at my daddy and said, “No this is my house ”¦ my daddy said, “No, actually this is my house.” He was furious…So much more abuse took place, even including my kids, and he FINALLY moved out.
A mutual friend contacted me as to what was going on and I told her everything. She has actually talked to you on several occasions and thats how I found out about Lovefraud. She is life long friend of his mothers.
Mother calls me
HIS mother told the lady ”¦ what is her number? And she called ME!!!!!!! Come to find out, the conversation they had where she said she hadn’t loved him since he was 10—what she actually said was he had owed the entire family since he was 10 and if it was her last dying breath that I would find out the monster he is!!! I was floored!!!
She said the first time she heard about me from him he said I was old and ugly, but my family had money and he was gonna get it. She said the first time she actually met me (for only a few minutes) I stated he was a gift from God and how much in love I was with him ”¦ She said she knew it was too late and if she tried to tell me then that I wouldn’t believe her. She is right because my own kids and parents warned me and I wouldn’t listen ”¦
Learning the truth
Since him leaving, I have found out he took one of my daughters on a drug deal and he even tried to pass her off to his friends as his girlfriend. He offered my other daughter and her friend ecstasy!!!
His mother calls me everyday now to check on me and tells me how sorry she is she couldn’t save me from him ”¦ She couldn’t control him and he was in juvenile jails all the time for drug use ”¦ She said he started snorting glue and huffing gas at 10 and also started stealing.
The last stint at his grandparents, when he left me for 2 women ”¦ he stole 4000.00 from them. His little pappaw doesn’t believe in banks so he hides his money in jars.
Aftermath
The 2012 car is going to be repossessed this month and the loan company said they will come after me because my name is first ”¦ Oh and he wrecked the new car. I do have full coverage insurance, but apparently somebody got hurt and they are suing ME!!
I have filed for divorce, but he has not be served ”¦
I also need to add that one month into our marriage, my son was in the basement, looking for a piece to his skateboard, and found a secret prepay phone!!! See, I checked our phone logs and there was no suspicious activity going on, so therefore I thought he had stopped the cheating. He knew I couldn’t trace a prepay. Of course he got mad and cussed me again and told me my son was snooping and found it!!!!
Help me not to love him
NOW he is blowing my phone up and telling me he can’t live without me and needs me. He makes me feel so bad for him and swears he loves me and only me. He begs me!!
I lost about 50 pounds through all of this and almost had a nervous breakdown. I missed so much work because I just couldn’t function…
Please help me to not love him. I should hate him and I KNOW its over ”¦ I just feel so bad because once they repo the car, he will have no money to get him one!!!
I also need to tell you he has a trashy girlfriend that has two sons ”¦ him, the trash, her two sons and his two daughters all are dating ”¦ mind you his daughters are 12 and 13, but he lets the boys sleep with his daughters.
HELP ME PLEASE!! I know this email rambles, but I told you it was a lot and this only covers about a quarter of it!!! I could write a book, a long one!!!
Oh and his mom is very sick ”¦ she and her mom as well left him $1 in their wills and have also said they don’t want him at either of their funerals!!!
Thank you!!!!!!!
fightforwhatsright
Wantmylife: I think you are on your way to getting your life back. You are not stupid as you said in your story. You are loving and trusting and intelligent and attractive. That is what they look for…the very best people to manipulate. I just finished two good books. One is called, “Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist” and the other is called “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.” A lot of reading about the similarities (including here) of these types of people we are dealing with is helping me a lot. It feels like love because they draw us into their persona in the beginning. I’ve always said that a nice woman will stay with a creep for a decade still remembering that first 90 days of wonderful he shows her. The person you love is not real. It is the same as swooning over a character played by an actor. These people could easily win an Oscar with each new victim.
I do have one suggestion. If he is encouraging sex between his underage daughters and another woman’s underage son, you can report them to the state Human Services department anonymously in most states. He might just end up in jail again where he belongs. Also, don’t forget that bankruptcy is an option after divorce when you are left with their bills.
Thank you for sharing your story. You have helped others today because we can see ourselves and our perpetrators. Maybe you will not get your previous life back. Maybe you will get a life where you now know what to watch out for. A realistic life where you can recognize a bad reality and get away from it. You are very lucky to have such loving parents to give you a house and a father to really stick up for you. Many of us do not have good parents. I believe you will have a life after this….without a sociopath in it.
lifting the veil
wantmylifeback,
cant help but keep coming back to reread your post…..you have been through so much….i hope life is getting better for you.i send you a thought…..
the beauty of life is while we can not undo what is done…we can see it,understand it,learn from it and change.so that every new moment is not spent in regret,guilt,fear or anger…….but in wisdom,understanding and love………………
you can move on from this and you will recover your life……..it sounds to me like your on the right path and in recovery..just be gentle on yourself….there is no time limit to healing………let go and let god,the healing universe,life……heal……….and guide you.
the main thing is you have done the right thing getting him out of your life now you just have to tell yourself you never want to be treated like that again.
pattywack
OH MY GOD what a total loser and creep. They left $1 in their will because that is the only way he cannot go to court and claim that his parents (that he has been so loyal to, right?) forgot to include him. They remembered him alright, and it’s in writing. You better do the same if you know what’s best for you. The best thing you can do is tell everyone what a loser he is, change your locks, move, whatever. What a mess you let a loser make of your life. Scumbag. I wish I could help you dig a hole and bury him alive.
Catherine
Standingstrong made exactly the point, we did not fall for our spaths, we fell for the role they played. They played the guy we all would like to date/marry/live for ever with, but it was acting. We still miss the fiction character that it looked so real because it was played for us by a real human being, but there is nothing of Him in the spath. Actually, the spath does almost have all the characteristics we do not like in a man, and those are his real traits.
Cassandrasdream
Catherine,
I will remember that line for a long time: “We did not fall for our spaths, we fell for the role they played.
Thanks.
Imarriedit
Catherine, I liked your observation that the spath has almost all the characteristics we don’t like in a man, and those are his real traits. Mine hated his sister for complaining he molested her as a teen. He hated his mother for believing his sister. He hated the female employees who reported his sexual harassment at work. In short, he has a problem with women. I’m a strong advocate of women’s rights, and never would have married a man like this, yet he talked about how he viewed women as equal to men. I would’ve never married a cheater, yet he claimed to be loyal and monogamous. He was arrogant, demeaning and a bully, yet he seemed at first like a kind, respectful man. I could go on and on, but yes, he was definitely not a man I would have ever considered dating, let alone marrying, if I’d seen the moldy scummy sewage pipe personality inside.
Catherine
The distiction from the role he played and who he really is helped me a lot. I did the exercise of writing a list of the traits of the role he played and another with his real traits to see clearly that he was basically the opposite, and to underline that actually there was no internal conflict in me, I do still love a man for the same reasons I always did.
I know I am not completely healed, but recently I began to feel every now and then some pity for him. Thinking that he is actually so shallow and ugly inside that the only way to make people like him is to play he is someone he is not. Obviously my main concern is towards his victims, and I hope I will be able to expose him someday, but I would not like to be him. Imagine your life without being able to love. He is definitely poison for others but he is miserable.
jgsaw
its sad how we believe everything they tell us…we ignore all our instincts….i’m going through the same thing…it really hurts