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By | March 29, 2013 85 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He told me exactly what I wanted to hear

Married life

I also need to insert here that the first car got paid off and he insisted he needed a brand new one ”¦ I tried to tell him we couldn’t afford it, but he said he made $21 an hour, which he did, and he deserved a new car. I put my damn name on a brand new 2012 car.

I also need to add that he drank liquor every night, drove drunk, and I also started finding pills and snorting straws ”¦ He convinced me that he broke into his mom’s house and found the drugs and straws and was gonna use it against him mom. Stupid me believed him again!!! He kept telling me he got drunk to erase the pain of his childhood and the separation from his kids.

I also forgot to mention when I confronted him about his girlfriends or the drinking or anything he didn’t agree with, I was a b*tch, whore, just like his mom and his ex wife!!! I got so used to the name calling it never surprised me when he said it ”¦ I was numb to it.

Girls move in

Two months after we were married, his mom called him and told him that he could have his kids ”¦ she is very sick (that is a fact) and couldn’t care for them anymore. He told me to be patient with them because it was going to be hard on them moving into a new place. I told him I would do anything to make it easier on them and all of us (my daughters moved out by now, only son at home) and he agreed.

His 12-year-old started acting horrible ”¦ neither of them would bathe, pick up after themselves, go to bed at night (he works night shift so was not at home), and the 12-year-old would not eat anything I cooked. She told her dad she only eats spaghetti o’s and he would buy her dozens of cans of them.

He also let them bring 4 boy cats in the house and the litter box wasn’t changed. My house stunk soooo bad!!

She would scream at me and tell me I was crazy and did not want me as a stepmom and did not want any stepsisters or brother. He would pat her, literally pat her on the back and say “good job honey.”

She would also sit on his lap and would cry at night for him to sleep with her. I told him it wasn’t normal for a dad to sleep with his 12-year-old and he SPAT in my face twice for it.

Dad forces him out

Evenutally, my daddy got wind of it and told him to leave ”¦ he looked at my daddy and said, “No this is my house ”¦ my daddy said, “No, actually this is my house.” He was furious…So much more abuse took place, even including my kids, and he FINALLY moved out.

A mutual friend contacted me as to what was going on and I told her everything. She has actually talked to you on several occasions and thats how I found out about Lovefraud. She is life long friend of his mothers.

Mother calls me

HIS mother told the lady ”¦ what is her number? And she called ME!!!!!!! Come to find out, the conversation they had where she said she hadn’t loved him since he was 10—what she actually said was he had owed the entire family since he was 10 and if it was her last dying breath that I would find out the monster he is!!! I was floored!!!

She said the first time she heard about me from him he said I was old and ugly, but my family had money and he was gonna get it. She said the first time she actually met me (for only a few minutes) I stated he was a gift from God and how much in love I was with him ”¦ She said she knew it was too late and if she tried to tell me then that I wouldn’t believe her. She is right because my own kids and parents warned me and I wouldn’t listen ”¦

Learning the truth

Since him leaving, I have found out he took one of my daughters on a drug deal and he even tried to pass her off to his friends as his girlfriend. He offered my other daughter and her friend ecstasy!!!

His mother calls me everyday now to check on me and tells me how sorry she is she couldn’t save me from him ”¦ She couldn’t control him and he was in juvenile jails all the time for drug use ”¦ She said he started snorting glue and huffing gas at 10 and also started stealing.

The last stint at his grandparents, when he left me for 2 women ”¦ he stole 4000.00 from them. His little pappaw doesn’t believe in banks so he hides his money in jars.

Aftermath

The 2012 car is going to be repossessed this month and the loan company said they will come after me because my name is first ”¦ Oh and he wrecked the new car. I do have full coverage insurance, but apparently somebody got hurt and they are suing ME!!

I have filed for divorce, but he has not be served ”¦

I also need to add that one month into our marriage, my son was in the basement, looking for a piece to his skateboard, and found a secret prepay phone!!! See, I checked our phone logs and there was no suspicious activity going on, so therefore I thought he had stopped the cheating. He knew I couldn’t trace a prepay. Of course he got mad and cussed me again and told me my son was snooping and found it!!!!

Help me not to love him

NOW he is blowing my phone up and telling me he can’t live without me and needs me. He makes me feel so bad for him and swears he loves me and only me. He begs me!!

I lost about 50 pounds through all of this and almost had a nervous breakdown. I missed so much work because I just couldn’t function…

Please help me to not love him. I should hate him and I KNOW its over ”¦ I just feel so bad because once they repo the car, he will have no money to get him one!!!

I also need to tell you he has a trashy girlfriend that has two sons ”¦ him, the trash, her two sons and his two daughters all are dating ”¦ mind you his daughters are 12 and 13, but he lets the boys sleep with his daughters.

HELP ME PLEASE!! I know this email rambles, but I told you it was a lot and this only covers about a quarter of it!!! I could write a book, a long one!!!

Oh and his mom is very sick ”¦ she and her mom as well left him $1 in their wills and have also said they don’t want him at either of their funerals!!!

Thank you!!!!!!!

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bluemosaic

Dear Wantmylifeback,

I feel your pain and frustration. Thank GOD you found LF and the people here…it will help you remove the illusion we have all suffered from,…wanting and loving a man who clearly was poison to us. Deception, betrayal, intention to destroy us and cause opening of old wounds. A giant ball of pain they wrap around us and they roll us down a hill…truly evil.
I understand the feeling of still loving and wanting the “spath.” I am just starting to get to a place where I no longer feel drawn to him, desire and longing for him…that has taken 7 months since leaving him, and almost 3 months of solid No Contact.
This place will help you gain your footing back. The people on this site have saved my life and sanity. I have learned more in the 2 months I have found LF about toxic men, than in 30 years of walking this earth.
Peace to you,

Blue

Tea Light

Wantmylifeback, what a shocking story. He is a textbook sociopath. So many victims here, am so glad you found your way to the LF community Want, and that his poor mother has offered you solidarity as you rebuild from the wreckage visited upon you all. Are the authorities aware of the sexual activity of his minor children and his sleeping with his 12 year old? I am horrified by this just horrified peace and love Want you’re amongst friends here x

strongawoman

Oof, Wantmylifeback, that is quite a story. Despite everything he is and everything he does, you love him. Yep, I know how that feels. But it is time to reclaim your life back. You know what he has done…..allowing his children to sleep with boys, trying to pass your daughter off as his girlfriend? Those two stand out to me as a starter.

You know what he has done ….now it’s time to find out what he is. Read everything you can about spaths. There are many articles here on this site that you can access. Knowledge is power….it has been for me. If you haven’t done so already you must go No Contact. That includes any “back door” contact such as FB or just idle gossip concerning him. It all serves to remind you and keep you connected to him.

Small steps, Wmlf. Good luck in your journey

still reeling

Hi Strong,
Hope you are doing well.
I think your comment to WMLF is invaluable. I particularly like the part about NC meaning not only phoning, texting, FB, tweeting, email, driving by his house or haunts, running into him on purpose, seeing him in person just for a minute, etc., but also indulging in “idle gossip” or convos w/people that know him. That is a gem to remember. There is only one person I’ve spoken to about the monster in my life and it only made things much worse for many reasons, not the least of which is the attention you focus on him. Where the mind goes, the energy flows and also the excuse to keep ruminating with the new info and the info you forgot and the possible meaning of the new with the old info…..blargh. All so unhealthy and definitely huge obstacles that we throw in our paths to keep from detaching. It’s a hard job and only we can do it ourselves.

Without this total NC, it’s like a hardcore alcoholic and “just one drink.” A few minutes of fake euphoria, then the horrendous pain of an emotional body slam to the ground. SO not worth it. Each time, it’s more difficult to get up.

My best to you WMLF and so sorry for all that you have been through. All the more reason to push past it and keep living.

strongawoman

Still,

your analogy is accurate. It is an addiction and as you have eloquently shown, the only way to beat an addiction is to go cold turkey.

Everything I know I have learned through bitter experience and because of the good people here. Now it’s my turn. Just passing it along the line. Good day to ya still reeling.

SW

wantmylifeback,
Your story wasn’t rambling;what it was,was shocking!Anybody who involves children in sex and drugs is maladjusted and evil.

strongwoman and still reeling gave you excellent advice about going No Contact with your husband.Follow it.It is the ONLY WAY to heal from sociopaths!

I stayed with my husband so long that I actually fell out of love with him,LONG before I left him.But because of his glibness and charm,I know that I still have to be on the alert.So,I constantly remind myself of WHAT HE IS,and WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE WITH HIM!I haven’t had any contact with him for almost 5 monthes now.Instead of the anxiety and constant stress I was living with on a daily basis,I now enjoy PEACE and JOY~~how’s that for contrast?!

wantmylifeback41

There is so much to tell and I was afarid my story could not be understood. I feel myself getting a little stronger everday, but I am so hateful to my family…I don’t mean to be, but I have no nerves anyway and the slightest thing I can’t deal with. Knowing Easter is Sunday and we would always take family pics and not to mention our anniversary next month..I am not sure how to deal.This site has been a God send to me for information. I am still not sure what to do about the car, I was told he left the state in it and I can’t afford my check to be garnished. I know I should hate him…nobody really understands except us on here…the victims!!

raggedy ann

wmlb,
I’m so sorry about all you’ve been subjected to.
It was painful to read “please help me not to love him.”
Here is my opinion.
You already do not love him. Real love requires a degree of respect, and who could respect this man who has done these outrageous things, who doesn’t pay for his own stuff, and whose own mother and grandmother think he is filth. Nobody.
Maybe there are lingering elements of a girlish crush, or enmeshment in general, or he could have had magic pheromones that suited your nose perfectly… but the real story is that he broke your brain and it needs to heal.
As with most of the people who come here, and anyone who has been this hurt and this unjustly treated, the thing you need has less to do with this guy’s appeal than it has to do with needing deprogramming, as if from a cult that did a number on your mind and soul.
This guy is not a man. He’s not.
He is also not a sympathetic figure, so don’t give another thought to feeling bad about leaving him without a car, and save your sadness and compassion for other people. He’s not sympathetic and he is not appealing. He is a lunatic. He is a diseased and decaying carcass that can walk and talk.

Imarriedit

wantmylifeback, I totally understand! Blossom, it’s going on five months for me too, since I last talked to mine. This week, I was going through a few things of his left in my garage and came across a zippered portfolio he used to carry paperwork in at his job. Figured I might as well take it to work and get some use out of it. No matter how many awful things I’ve found out about, it just never ends. You just keep finding out more and more awful things they’ve been up to. I reached in the side pocket of the notebook and out fell a condom and a female’s name and phone number. It felt like the room was spinning. Even tho we’ve lived apart for over a year, it just tore me up. Barely made it thru the workday and had to choke back tears.

So how is it I still miss him, and would give anything for a hug and to hear him say, “Baby, I LOVE you!” Yes, I should hate him, and some days I do. Like Blossom said, living with him was anxiety and constant stress. Who would miss that? It’s crazy and impossible to explain. Before getting involved with the spath, I’ll bet none of us would’ve put up with anybody treating us like this, let alone taking them back for another chance. Even my mother said if I took that man back, I needed my head examined, but I still reconciled with him when he cried and said he was making a fresh start as the husband he always should have been to me.

Be on guard, wantmylife back, because they’re very beguiling and cunning. Be strong and close him out of your life.They will come back around with a different song and dance, but they never change.

wantmylifeback41

my spath said the very same thing…let him be the husband that he knew he could be if I just let him come back! That was last week…now once again he is back to calling me horrible names and cursing me…I have blocked him now on facebook and I hope he will leave me alone..He could cry big tears and tell me he was gonna kill himself at drop of a hat. I find it amazing that most of the spaths say the very same thing to us.

Delores

A good first step is to not call him “my spath”. We often refer to them here as non-human and not belonging to us to keep our distance from them.

Psychopaths are evil and dangerous. I could only wish they would kill themselves to prevent the inevitable harm they will continue to cause to countless victims.

Back_from_the_edge

I happened along the following video this evening and I was so
touched by it that I thought I would share it with all of you.

It is the video of a girl/woman in Croatia, the victim of severe
abuse. It is a video diary of her from day to day. Some scenes
may be triggering and/or disturbing to watch, so I will issue the
warning ahead of time that it may not be suitable for all viewers.

At the end of the video, she is holding up a sign,
written on a piece of paper, and it says, in Croatian:

“Help me, I don’t think I will survive or live another day.”

What happened to her, from there, I do not know.
It is so sad that innocent people are abused physically
but sometimes it’s equally as bad being abused emotionally
Please say a prayer for this lovely girl.

There is NO WAY I was going to let this happen TO ME!!!!!

*Advisement: The following video may/may not be unsuitable
for some viewers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Ertu9_MhFiM

raggedy ann

Sorry, had to start a new comment…
You will get to a better headspace soon, especially with No Contact. But people talking about addiction are right. You have an addiction. Many of us have been through it. A dependency or an exhiliration from contact… which medicates the pain from same person’s most recent abuses.
This person is dragging you down into the gutter and to a lower class than you were intended to occupy, and this has nothing to do with draining your money. By being ugly to you he degraded you.
He doesn’t deserve your love, and way deep down you do not feel the kind of love you are capable of feeling more a civilized human which he is not.
You nned to do something comforting for your own physical body… like bubble baths, a foot rub at a spa, anthing like that and with some frequency.
Thank God every day that this guy is nowhere near.
He is clearly so awful he could have physically harmed you or your kids or taken your life. A number of people here have posted of never having imagined that their particular evil mate or family member could have killed, even though they knew the person was no good.
I hope it will help you a little to think or understand that what it is your are feeling is not love.

tami

wantmylifeback, I’m SO glad that you took my advice and joined this site. It was a lifesaver for me along with a good therapists who fully understood sociopaths and actually suggested that I join this site. The people here are wonderfully supportive. I joined over 6 years ago and I know sometimes the Lovefraud members probably got so frustrated with me that they would have liked to have shaken me! NC was no problem for me. My ex sociopath headed for the hills (literally) after he took exhausted all the resources I had to offer him and found another willing victim. I NEVER really had any desire to see him after that. I was 8 years his senior and felt that I deserved to be left because I was getting older, had put on a few pounds but was still far from overweight, and was showing normal signs of aging. Also, he told me that I was old and boring. And, I BELIEVED these things about myself! He left me for a gal 18 years younger than me. I mostly felt total shock because his leaving came as a total surprise…we SEEMED to have the perfect marriage. Within two days of his leaving, HIS friends and family contacted me to tell me not to waste a single tear on him because he only did to me what he had done to every woman before me and would do after me. And, that was gain my sympathy, use me for my money and excellent credit while cheating on me behind my back with any woman he could, and once he expended all of my resources, he would move onto the next victim. He had a history of this that I did not know about. And, a few people tried to warn me about him but I thought I was “special”. Why? Because he TOLD me that I was! And, isn’t that what we all want to hear about ourselves? I also learned that he had had sex with minors during our marriage…16 & 17 year olds and he was nearly 40 at the time. And, prior to our marriage, he was accused of molesting 3 little girls…all daughters of previous girlfriends. I HEARD a lot of things during our marriage but like your soon to be ex sociopath, he seemed to have a valid and believable explanation for everything! Don’t be too hard on yourself for believing the lies. You are NOT a fool! You are a normal woman who wanted a normal marriage and to live happily ever after. He KNEW this about you because he was studying you much more than you were studying him! He targeted you for the goodness in you. While that sucks that he did that, don’t allow him doing that to change who you are. You just fell prey to the wrong man! Please keep posting on here. You will learn the warning signs/red flags that will help prevent you from finding yourself in this situation again. And, please, don’t get it in your head that ALL men are BAD because they are NOT! As you know, I am now married to a wonderful man. No, he doesn’t stroke my ego, tell me how beautiful I am 20 times a day or constantly tell me how much he loves me and needs me. I actually struggled with NOT hearing that nonsense after hearing it for nearly 8 years from my ex sociopath. BUT, actions mean volumes. ANYONE can constantly feed us ear candy! And, something I used to hear a lot here of Lovefraud was if it seems to good to be true, then it probably isn’t! I KNOW my current husband loves me because of the respect he shows me, his desire to protect me and take care of me. He does everything in his power to keep stress off of me and expects NOTHING from me except my love. He has NO sad stories to tell other than his own involvement with a sociopath which I think he may post on here at some point but he doesn’t seek pity for it. I honestly believe that the good Lord brought us together because he FULLY understands how being married to a sociopath for years, believing that they are normal and then having to go through the ordeal of being discarded can affect people. People who have NOT dealt with a sociopath can NOT understand. They even tell US that we need to get over it or that WE are crazy! Grrr… And, as I’ve said to you many times before, the ONE thing that helped me unattached myself from him emotionally is realizing that NOTHING about him was REAL. I might as well have been in love with Mickey Mouse or the Easter Bunny! And, I FOOLISHLY tried to warn the girl he left me for…his next victim and it was ALL in vain. However, she’s been with him 6 years now and is miserable! She communicates with me from time to time to tell me that she really wished she had of listened but she invested herself SO deeply with him that she isn’t in a position to dig her way out…yet. I pity her. I suggest that you do the same when you hear of his involvement with other women. They mean NOTHING to him except what he can take from them. I KNEW what he was when you married him because I was his mother’s best friend for 20 years and that was during the years that she was raising him! I KNEW that he had not suffered the abuse that you spoke of and that she was NOT the person that he led you to believe that she was. However, I knew that warning you would be pointless. We, as normal individuals, can NOT compete with the lies of a sociopath. They are too good at what they do. They hide WHAT they are SO well and pretend to be everything we’ve ever dreamed of. The ONLY way any of us learn what they are is unfortunately, when they take their masks off and allow us to see them for what they are and I honestly believe that they get a charge out it! It’s cruel and sick. You WILL find true happiness again and through the grapevine, you WILL eventually witness the karma of it all. The women that he is currently feeding the ear candy WILL sadly suffer being used and taken advantage of just like you. NOBODY and yet EVERYBODY will be “special” to him but only for what he can take from them. Count your blessings that he is out of your life and get that restraining order! If you tell the police that he has abused you and that you fear for your life, they SHOULD serve it on him quickly! I love you, girlfriend and am SO sorry that you are going through this!

Louise

tami:

I loved your post. Just what I needed to hear. Hallelujah on this Easter morning!!! Thank you!

Louise

Great article on manipulation…

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Treffert1.html

Tami,
I’m glad wantmylife has a friend like you!

I just wanted to mention that although the hugs you get from friends are different from hugs you get from partners,it is HUGS that we miss and need.Better to get hugs that are sincere and from friends we can trust and who we respect and who respect us!(((Hugs)))

wantmylifeback41

Today has been a horrible day! Going to church this morning made me so sad ..it was the first time I had been there since he left me. He also sent me a message yesterday that he got the divorce papers and wiped his ass with them and told me he wasn’t signing sh**!! He is furious I served him with divorce papers…..I want him to set me free…legally atleast!!

wantmylifeback,
Spath was acting like a child~~see him in your mind that way.That way,when he acts the way you described,it won’t hurt as much.It will probably still annoy you;like kids sometimes annoy.

As for showing at church alone for the first time~I know.That can feel like everyone’s looking at you!But if you act like you’ve always been coming along ,or that it doesn’t bother you,they’ll go on about their business.Sometimes it’s just our minds playing games with us,making us imagine that all eyes are on us!

wantmylifeback41

Except when they say,”oh my gosh..you have lost so much weight”..The people at my church or atleast most of them know I am going through a divorce, they just don’t know why and it is so embarassing because it was only 11 months I walked down the aisle.My son gave me away, along with my daughters behind us. I HATE what he has done to me!!! I want my life back!!! I want to smile again and not be so streesed out!! Its not fair for my credit to be ruined and him have no consciense to what he has done. Car loan place says for him to finance the car…I laugh because he can’t buy anything on credit…It’s just not fair…any of it!!! I am so mad at myself for doing anything for him…Everything was done for love!

wantmylifeback,
You have NO REASON to feel embarrassed!If spath had been a good husband,you’d still be married~THE FAULT IS NOT YOURS!It’s not unusual for someone who has been betrayed to lose weight.I knew a woman whose husband cheated on her;she dropped 15 lbs seemingly overnight(I was a child).Today she is happily married to another man.He has supported her through thin and thick.

You will laugh again!Don’t look backward with regrets!

Louise

wantmylifeback41:

So sorry that happened to you. I know that was hard for you at church. 🙁

I went down to a Size 0 and I am 5’7″!! So I know all about the weight loss. But you will gain it again when you are NO longer in his clutches. I have gained almost 10 pounds now. I don’t like it as I liked being really thin, but it is what it is. You will be OK…it just takes a lot of time. Take care.

Tea Light

Happy Easter lovefraud bunnies eat some eggs Lou !! I’m 5’8 and dropped to almost size o my clothes were hanging off me. Awful.You have no energy or immunity at that low weight .

Sunflower

I’m 5’9 and lost 17,5 lbs in 6 months during my relationship. Size 0 aint fun in that condition. Just awful…

Tea Light

HWant, Loulou and Blossom are right, you have no reason to feel ashamed, being taken in by these horrible people is not a badge of low intelligence or low morals. It’s anyone’s place to judge you in any case and your fellow church members should understand you deserve comfort and support. It’s the abuser who should feel utterly ashamed not you but it’s a feature of their sickness that they can’t and in my case my abuser tries to dump his shame on me. Refuse to carry their shame Want and hold your head high you may be able to help others in future as your lovely friend ,Tami was able to help you .

I agree with Tea Light.Because of our own experience,we are often in a better position to comfort others;whether their trial is with a sociopath or some other problem.Afterall,we,ve had to cope with much more than spaths!

Louise

Tea Light:

I am trying to lose the weight actually…haha! I’ve gone up two sizes and menopause is helping to make it out of control. Just got back from counseling. Seems that it’s MY shame that has helped these things to happen to me. It’s funny…I’ve been reading tons of articles about shame about spath, but it’s MY shame. She gave me two handouts to read and on one, there are 21 feelings that I have to say if I identify with them or not and take it back next week. It’s not about them now…it’s about me now. I still have questions that I will never get answered about what happened to me, but I am beginning to let it go.

Were you supposed to leave on your trip today? Did you go? x

Tea Light

Greetings from gay Paree Lou! I made it and I’m alone as my friend is at his sister’s so just relaxing and playing with my new phone. I did a questionnaire like that too, for my second session. It said l isolate myself and fear attachments. I do now!! Well am trying to get out more in last month you have to. This woman sounds an absolute godsend Lou it’s so good to hear you are finding her input helpful – do you cry ? I always cry every week like clockwork but less now than when started I’ve got to read Victor Frankl as my homework no calls from the petit con thankfully

Louise

Tea Light:

Yay…so glad you made it to France! Wish I could go. I will someday. Glad you are relaxing. I do not cry there. Wish I could. I think it would be even more healing. She was really good today at explaining how the shame develops…as young children. Enjoy yourself. x

Tea Light

But I’m taking action Lou I’ve decided to. I no longer care if his son will be upset. His father is ruining my life with his behaviour and l have to protect myself. He uses his child to manipulate me into silence and l will not allow it anymore. He is responsible for his child’s well being. He assaulted and stalked me. I have a right to protect myself. It isn’t revenge. If you stalk and you are married your spouse will find out. He needs a reality check.

Tea Light

Thanks love l will it’s cold here but still lovely x

Louise

Tea Light:

You got it! Absolutely. HE is the one doing wrong and HE deserves the consequences, whatever they may be, because of his actions. I used to feel the exact same way about Scousepath…that his children would suffer if I said anything and he was fired, but I got to a point where that didn’t matter anymore. I do think my reporting him last year probably contributed to him being fired this year, but that is not my problem. I used to feel guilty, but now I don’t. He deserved it and he obviously was doing these other things…they NEVER are doing just one thing bad…it’s evil all around. They are very messed up. My counselor explained to me today how when we are shamed as children, we will either grow up trying to be perfect…being extremely responsible…being the good one…blah, blah, blah OR we will grow up being irresponsible, doing wrong things, etc. I grew up good and Scousepath grew up bad. I went in one extreme direction and he went in the other.

Sooooo, you are doing the right thing. Just do what you have to do. The sooner he has to face the consequences, the sooner you will be rid of him. My gut feeling is he won’t mess with you anymore when he knows you really mean business! Good luck. x

Tea Light

DYep, me too, l became the responsible one and my sister became the chaos monger and havoc creator. I’m not a fan of pathologising victims of abusers as some sites seem to and abuse is abuse however working out why if it was obvious someone was not good news you let them in to wreck havoc in your life is necessary for some of us . Others l think just were had by very skilled con artists. Mine was clearly bad news and my gut knew it and l walked into disaster like a zombie with my gut saying no no no! That cannot ever happen again it’s been devastating the worst year of my life. Love to you dear. We’ll pull through. X

Louise

Tea Light:

Me, too. I was even warned and walked headlong into it anyway. And I am even extremely intuitive. But it didn’t help in this situation. It was a perfect storm that is all I have to say. But it’s over now and there is nothing more I can do. I don’t like people to dislike me…even disordered people. So because of that, this has been hard because I cared what he thought about me, but why should I? It happened, I loved him, he didn’t love me, he hates me now and it’s over. Like you said, it can NEVER happen again and it won’t. Yep, we will be OK. I say this all the time, but I am going to say it again…we WILL be OK, but they NEVER will. Remember that. x

Tea Light

Ay ay Captain Lou l hear you loud and clear -all aboard the good ship Recovery !:) x

Imara

Anytime I was asked about my weight loss I would openly admit to the fact that it was “infidelity weight loss”. I remember there being such a ruckus about how/why princess Di was so skinny….well now I understand….
I had dropped down to a size 0 too….it’s unnatural!!!

Tea Light

Poor Di. She would have loved LF!!

Louise

You can almost bet when you see someone who is really skinny, there is something going on in that person’s life (minus cancer or something like that). I am convinced of that now. Could also go the other way with being overweight. I tend to see more skinny sufferers though…just my observation. Not saying that is true.

wantmylifeback41

I am doing a little better today! I figure he will get caught being drunk or will get in trouble with the law. i got a phone call today that he wrote bad checks because the collection place called ME for payment..I told them I knew nothing of it.I keep hoping he will get caught and somebody will notify me long enough to get the car back. I was also told he is drinking non-stop…I just can’t worry about it no more! I did everything right plus some! I do wonder though, do spaths have karma? As far as weight goes, I was a size 14…I am now a size 2. Thank you all for the input!

I was losing weight for awhile when I was still with spath.I even mentioned my concern about my weight loss to my doctor. I really was afraid there was a health issue behind it.

But once I left spath and was no longer running to keep up with his constant demands,and was able to sleep and eat,I wasn’t losing anymore.But because of medications I had to take for anxiety & neurological issues as well as inflammation,I’ve gained weight!I wouldn’t mind looking like Princess Di before she lost so much weight!

HappyJack

My SPath told me everything I wanted to hear, too. EXCEPT “I really screwed up. I’m sorry.” In place of that, she only gave me rationalizations, excuses, lies, denial and severe, ridiculously horrible abuse. She saw me losing weight, hospitalized and sick and she laughed and called me the sick one. My friends and colleagues turned their backs on me after she told them how “abusive” I was. She ruined me. The really scary part is that now she’s a practicing physician, working with the sick and vulnerable. She practices a weird form of Buddhism and touts her compassion and empathy to everyone she meets. She destroyed me and never looked back. I have nightmares, unbearable anxiety and serious health problems because of this self-labeled “compassionate healer.” I wonder if I’ll ever feel strong and sane again.

HappyJack

Hey, Tea Light!

No, she’s not into Falun Gong. (Falun Gong isn’t Buddhism – it’s a variation of Qi Gong – a Taoist practice.) She follows this sociopathic guru in Germany who calls himself “Samarpan”. (One of my favorite quotes from Samarpan: “A lie is simply creative truth.” ) Did you ever read “People of the Lie”? She reminds me of the patient Dr. Peck was treating who he called “Charlene”. If you haven’t read this book, I suggest you get a copy and do so.

There has been some discussion in this thread about weight loss. While I was in the middle of the abuse, I went from 130 to 105 pounds in under a month. I looked like a skeleton. I’ve put all that weight back on and, damn! I’m a BEAUTIFUL man! HAHA.

Yes I was in counseling twice a week for 2 years. I was getting acupuncture treatments and taking herbs that whole time too. I think the part that was the worst was that she was able to manipulate people into taking her side against me. I lost a lot of friends who I loved and who were very precious to me. We all know the chameleon-like abilities of sociopaths, right? Her knowledge of the jargon of “Buddhism” allows her to don a very effective mask. That’s really alarming to me when I consider that she’s practicing Oriental Medicine and teaching meditation and apparently trying to start a cult of her own.

But I’m going to be fine. Eventually.

Thanks for your reply.

Tea Light

HappyJack, welcome and sorry to read of the health problems your abuser caused you, sadly many of us here are coping with severe stress related problems , anxiety and depression however there are many excellent articles on how to manage these, some here like me are on anti depressants others not, mindfulness and tapping has been discussed often and helps some – are you receiving counseling? Do you have a support system to draw on? You sound as if you have had a horrendous time of it. Is your ex in the Falun Gong branch of buddhism? I ask as l know someone whose ex was a member and it seemed distinctly cult like to me. Hang in there jack your happy can come back with time

LadyA

Hi wantmylifeback41

I want to applaud you for reaching out to the lovefraud community for help. Especially at tjos critical time. I didn’t have time to read all the other comments but I wanted to let you know that we are all here for you. Things are going to feel like they get a lot worse before they get better, but I assure you it is worth it. The no contact rule is as important as they come. If there is any way not to be in contact with him at all… do it. Change your numbers, don’t answer any calls or emails, and most importantly DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM! He has decieved you into loving him. Those feeelings will pass with time.

If you ever need us, drop a note and we will be here.

Warm wishes and hugs,
LadyA

Louise

Another thing I realized…obsessing comes from not knowing. I have only obsessed because I have not been able to get answers. I probably won’t ever get answers. But knowledge stops obsessing.

HappyJack

Well said, Louise! Not knowing the truth and relying on disinformation is a nightmare. Gaslighting…

NoContact

WantMyLifeBack41….!
I am signing on as I only rarely do, just to tell you that I said (ok, shrieked) those very words….in 2001. Still working at it but see light ahead. Since I started as an 8 I am now a skeletal 0 and at 60 my skin is ruined BUT! I know we’re always working at our potential Finish Line and when mine arrives, I want to be in the midst of moving toward something wonderful.
If you are 41 then I applaud you — and if you’re 91 instead, the same. It’s never too late, or too soon, to get the picture and decide to do something other than let somebody else destroy your life. From the rearview mirror, his “helplessness” looks a lot more like methodical calculation.

To everybody! – I have refiled the divorce and am planning to have the deal done by June 3 OF THIS YEAR (after 30 of them). Please pray for me that I don’t fall for The Usual and will instead follow through with what I concluded (only with the greatest of pain and reluctance) was the right path for us all.
The guilt of the children’s pain is enormous. If I thought it would be avoided by staying with him — even though you’d be mad at me when I reported that was my decision — in truth, I would.
But instead I think it’s like making them watch me get beat up, and how is that any better than just letting him sink — find another victim — or whatever? Naturally I am worried he’ll not leave me alone after the divorce is final but at least I will have that piece behind me, right?

NoContact

WANT MY LIFE BACK 41! —
Ok, now I’ve read your story (sorry I got distracted by the just-right tenor of your posting name!) and want to say this to you, please.
Your love will co-exist with your other feelings for him.
You will find a place for it in your heart, along with the other dimensions of yourself, that make up who you Are and will be going forward. Someday when you are my age, you will hear young people talking about their men and your wisdom will tell you they’re headed for trouble, then that little tug will come at your heart and you will NEVER fail to associate it with him.
However, you will bear it.
You WILL!
And not by trying to beat it down — but by accepting that damaged people wound others, and while your own need to nurture him is what “struck a chord” in you to begin with, he has the need to destroy you.
This is terribly painful so it’s OK to feel terrible about it.
Also, his need to destroy you does not necessarily mean he never “loved” you. Rather, his destruction is an accompaniment to his relationships and the closer you get, the worse he looks.
Those who love you the most would probably say RUN! and KEEP RUNNING!
I would only add, carry your love along with you. As revelations continue into the future, you will either discover that you were a total creep of a partner — or never knew half what he was trying to put over (I’m betting on you). Either way, just hoist it up as you would the ton of emotional bricks that it is, don’t wait for your heart to catch up to your head, because (read this twice) your love is in YOU and has absolutely nothing at all to do with him, it’s a gift TO you from your OWN self. The fact he has no similar gift to give himself, is what makes him want to destroy you.

wantmylifeback41

oh my coloradokathy…your post touched me!!I did love him with all my heart…every inch of me!! I suppose I will always wonder if somehow I could have perhaps “saved” him!! He is very smart with a super high IQ, but so dumb as well. He always told me if he couuld only get his girls back he would be complete, but now he is destroying their life as well. He lets them do anything they want and is drinking snd driving with them…of course he is blaming me for it all!!! He tells people the reason he left me is because I was mean to his girls…I have never been mean to anybody little alone a child!! it hurts me he makes me out to be evil, but there is nothing I can do except pray for them…One night I told him I hope his kids never have to see him…the real him…as my kids had to for years! He looked at his 12 year old and said, “have you ever saw me drink”? The 12 yr old replied, “no”…he said…she the bi*#ch is lying to you!! Mind you now he hadn’t had custody in 7 yrs and had not seen them in one year until he got custody back….Now they see him drink and even takes them to liquor store with him but he tells them I drove him to drinking! I know they must be confused…I see him on a down hill spiral out of control and a very sick man!!!I do not want him to come back to my home period!!! I do fear he may try to break in and take my things though for drug money!! His mom told me he and his ex…that hes with now, which is the kids mom…..would pose as Jehovahs witness and knock on doors…if nobody home they would break in!!!!

NoContact

I am such a dog lover that I hope you either have, or will get, a canine companion to increase your safety and well-being at the same time. I don’t think an alarm system is too terribly much if you think he might retaliate (and hey, the alarm company window sticker is probably even cheaper).
My heart sinks also, for the innocent children’s hearts. My husband makes no pretense, now that the kids are old enough to be one of the “ladies” in his porn movies and magazines, of being their father. Sometimes they play Victim and sometimes Accomplice, both involuntarily, but their roles are never healthy or sane. His mental instability is so disorienting to our older daughter, 28, that my concerns about her have overshadowed my experience with him. This is as it should be: she’s a wonderful person, has a job, and doesn’t hurt other people or set them up for disaster.
Doubtless both men will find other victims.
You’re blessed to have so many family members in your life! Their support is invaluable, I’m sure you know. I tried to score Daddy for my kids, feel badly (!!) that they ended up with Rent A Dad instead.

bluemosaic

Hi Tea Light, Louise and Blossom,
The comments about the weight have made me think about how much this whole exp. messed with my weight…a clue, right?…that our relationship was internally disruptive. Red Flag(RF) !! I lost weight I did not need to lose in early months of being with him RF LOL, gained weight during months he was triangulating me with OW RF!!!, lost alot more weight during last months together, while I struggled with decision to leave, bright-RF’s LOL, lost alot-alot of weight during months I was stilling seeing him after it was technically over burning-RF!!! LOL
I have a tendency to use food as numbing agent-drug, when the balance in my life is off kilter. He is not responsible for that fact, but my unstable nutrition throughout this relationship was definitely a clue that he was not good for my well-being.
Had good news yesterday, finally took step for STD tests…the biggy, AIDS, came back negative. I cried from releif. Other results in next 2 weeks.
On main topic, “what I wanted to hear”…. I realize that he told me exactly what the little girl inside me always wanted to hear, that I was pretty, valuable, smart and deeply spiritual. He appealed to my ego (my ego responded by inflation over time, with emptiness)…I gave so much of self to him, submitted to his will…because he fed me cookies of praise and worth.
Growing in my head and heart…I can see that when a man tells me he thinks I am wonderful, that he loves me…and this is immediately followed by requests to violate my well-being and dishonor myself…something is amiss. Cannot afford to be asleep at the wheel of my life again.

Hugs and Peace to all,

Blue

Blue,
I’m so glad that your ‘big’ test came back negative!We need all the relief we can get!

I understand about food being a numbing agent or ‘comfort food’.I don’t eat alot,but I do enjoy different tastes.Unfortunately,I don’t cook alot since that’s alot to do for 1 person.I need to exercise more.I wish I had the health to work out!

We lost so much of ourselves to spaths that it left us in utter confusion.It will take us awhile to find ourselves again.But that journey is pleasant compared to journey with spath!

Gonzalez

I know you must feel so hurt and betrayed more than anything else. I also am going through something very similar and my god at times I think I may be going insane for the simple fact that I still love him with all hart knowing he has caused me so much pain mentally and physically. He also told me what I wanted to hear and I like you believed almost every word he said. I tried doing whatever it took to make him love me “just me” but it didn’t work that way he had many other women (trashy) lots of lies and so much more. Now he is gone and as horrible it may sound I miss him very much but I try keeping myself strong and I pray I don’t fall again into his trap. You have to stay strong and not give in. Be patient and just pray on it you deserve to be happy. Good Luck!!!

wantmylifeback41

i know exactly how you feel Millie. I made the stupid mistake of looking at pics of us last night..I wish to God I could stop loving him. I hate what he has done to me..Sometimes I think this is worse than a death..I lost my precious bbrother in a tragic car accident and that was very hard on me, but this is a different pain.. I just want to feel normal again.

Matt

Wantmylifeback41:

You actually got 6 months out of your S before he started his bad behavior? Girl, you win the prize. As most people on this site will swear, a bell seems to go off in their heads and the bad behavior begins at month 3.

Seriously, though, I really feel for you. I’m gay, but my S-ex (sociopathic ex, since there’s no such creature as an ex-S) was cut from the same cloth as yours. Only mine, so I discovered at month 3, had just been released from prison when I met him 3 months earlier. But, he had his hooks in me and I was determined to help him. A lost cause as we all know from bitter experience.

When I logged onto this site and posted my story in December 2008 I didn’t know which end was up. The folks here and the archives really helped me to get a grip on my life. I encourage you to read, read, read. Not only is knowledge is power, but, you’ll learn that we’re all sitting in the same church, even though we’re sometimes in different pews because of our individual experience, but, male or female, gay or straight,we’ve all been through exactly what you’ve been through.

You’ve come to a place of healing. And yes, it does get better. After the S-ex turned my life upside down, and then going through a year of unemployment, I really did meet someone great (we’ve now been together 4 years) and I got a great job and my life really did come together. It was a hell of trip, but I can truthfully say that at the age of 51 I finally began to grow up and like where my life is today.

Well, almost, with one exception. I haven’t been on this site recdently. About 2 months ago my retina, macula and blood vessels detached from one of my eyes. It has been a rough trip, but I’m finally regaining the vision in my eye. I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on my worst enemy. Okay, okay, let me qualify that. I would wish it on my S-ex. But, that’s a story for another day.

wantmylifeback41

I think you misunderstood my post, the first 6 months of 5 years was the only time I feel he was truthful and loyal, but now I doubt that..I was just dumb enough to believe him…believed he would change because I had not seen a strsngr number on the phonr log…I just did not know he had a secret phone.

NoContact

Hi, WantMyLifeBack! I think Matt was just trying to add a light note in the fog, by quipping that your six months was twice as much pretend time as most of us got (even though none of us actually got anything), lol.

In truth, none of us will ever really know, will we?–what was “felt,” if anything, and if it was mutually hopeful and authentic at the beginning or always a setup for disaster.

My personal perspective is that my husband would have liked to see life through as a normal person, and struggles with his condition. Not hard, mind you!! just enough to feel sorry for himself at the level of battle, give up, and fall right back in.

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