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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hooked by an Internet predator

Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Greta.”

After being married for 23 years to an alcoholic, being sad and lonely, I was vulnerable and targeted by a sociopath online through Facebook. I live in the US, he was from the Netherlands but living in Italy at time. He sent me a random friend request, I accepted, we talked on instant message chat occasionally for about 9 months and then he zeroed in.

He speaks 5 languages fluently and has traveled to many countries. He is very bright and articulate. We had similar interests, especially spiritually, or at least the illusion was that we did. He convinced me to use Skype and after that I ended up leaving my husband, family and job and sent him a plane ticket to come to the US. (Of course, he had no money and used the excuse that he lost his job several months ago and was unemployed in a terrible economy—pity party.)

We met in Florida where we stayed with my father and stepmother for a few months. Employment was difficult but I landed a long-term temporary position with an insurance company. My stepmother was the first one to see through him. She tried to warn me but I didn’t want to hear it, even though my intuition was telling me something just wasn’t right. When she finally said he had to get out of her house because his 90-day visa was going to expire, he convinced me to go to a motel until we got an apartment, which we did within the week. Once we were on our own, his true colors started coming out.

True colors

He was manipulative. He isolated me from friends and family. He grabbed my arm so hard one time he left a bruise that lasted over a month. He was a drinker from the beginning but it escalated. I started to find out things about his past relationships and work history, some of which did not add up to what he had told me. Evidence of him trying to find other women was all over the internet. He would constantly threaten me that, “if I ever broke his heart, there would be no grotto in the mountain that could hide me ”¦ he would hunt me down and kill me.” In the beginning he couldn’t do enough around the house, including cooking. Soon enough he became lazy and did nothing but drink, smoke and play on the internet all day (most likely looking for his next target).

Meanwhile, I was missing my 21-year-old son and his new 2 month old baby. I wanted to come back to PA to see them. He did not want me to go. Something about the whole situation started to scare me. I was afraid to break it off but then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not. Something just didn’t feel right. The good times were great and the bad times were subtle but yet scary. He would get terribly angry over trivial matters. He would say nasty things. I would cry and then he would apologize then use intimacy to get to me.

Escape

Because I was fearful, I finally decided that I would secretly leave, as if I was going to work one day and go to the airport and go home to PA. I started secreting my most precious belongings to my mother’s house. He was so self-involved he never even noticed anything missing. I knew I would have to leave a lot of possessions and clothing behind but I didn’t care.

The day came, I left as if I was going to work, kissed him good-bye and left for the airport. Three times on the way to the airport I was ready to turn around and go back ”¦ why was I feeling such an attraction to him that I was having such a hard time going away from? With my stepmother’s and mother’s help, I got on the plane and went back to my family.

Even after 4 months of this nightmare, my husband and family never gave up on me. My husband never stopped loving me and is willing to do anything to help me through this trauma and we are working our marriage. He has even stopped drinking.

On the street

After I left I stayed in contact with my SP for a while, feeling guilty and responsible that I didn’t send him back to Europe and left him basically in the mud ”¦ no place to live, no money ”¦ nothing. The apartment manager contacted me and told me that he was taken by ambulance to the hospital for playing suicide. After 3 days, he was released and tried to enter the apartment but I had the locks changed. He then broke into the neighbor’s apartment and was arrested for trespassing and spent 10 days in prison. When he was released he spent about 2-3 weeks on the street and in shelters. He convinced a church to buy him a bus ticket to NY city.

I cut off contact with him ”¦ he had my email ”¦ but I remain in contact with his ex-girlfriend/mother of his child in Italy. She tells me that he is in NY waiting for the paperwork to be sent back to the Netherlands. It scares me that he is only 2 hours from me in PA. It scares me that I might look out my door and see him standing there one day. Even though our last contact he kept telling me how much he loved me still, I know this is not true. I know he is angry. I know it is obsession not love. I can only hope he gets that ticket back to Holland and does not ever come back to US soil.

He is an internet predator and once I have healing under my belt, it is my goal to teach women about the dangers of the internet and sociopathic predators such as the one I encountered. I was a Criminal Justice professional with a B.A. degree in Criminal Justice Rehabilitation and a minor in Psychology, yet I didn’t see it coming. I was physically, emotionally and financially devastated from this experience, and I want to prevent others from making the same terrible mistake I did.


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39 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hooked by an Internet predator"

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Greta: Maybe our intuition is the strongest weapon we have. It really seems that way, especially here. Most people brush it off or think it’s fake. They need to listen to it more.

I think the internet has more sociopaths than the “real” world. Even people who would never act rudely to “real” people mock others online. Normal people are swayed online, since there is rarely action taken against them. That’s just the normal people, not to mention the con artsits, liars, attention seekers, and stalkers/rapists. People need to be EVEN MORE CAREFUL when online, I believe. It’s not a safe haven, that’s for sure.

I’m glad you got away. Your family and husband are amazing for sticking by you. Most of all, you are amazing for getting out of it and not looking back. I haven’t even managed that yet! ^_^

Near,

For someone so young you are VERY insightful and smart.

This is a very good example as to why internet dating is, in my opinion, so dangerous. My ex spath caught his newest victim through an internet dating site and it’s sooooo easy to do.

But bottom line, your intuition and belief in that, IS you best weapon. It seems many of us HAD GOOD intuition about our spaths initially then IGNORED it. Intuition is what alarmed us to the red flags.

Great post, Near.

LL

I hope you got your clothes and other possessions back from the apartment, Greta. Those three days when this creep was in the hospital—or even better, the ten days when he was conveniently in prison—would have been an ideal time to do that. It’s nice to see all the loose ends tied up.

Why do you limit your goal only to teaching women about these dangers? There are plenty of men getting exploited too, regardless of whether the perpetrators are male or female. There are plenty of female predators as well. I think I spotted one just five minutes ago on that “Dr. Robert” forum…

Thank you everyone for your comments about my story. This occurred in Florida and I moved back home to Pennsylvania so during his time in the hospital I took the opportunity to have my mom go in and get my possessions out of the apartment, then the manager changed the locks. I am in the process of having my possessions shipped to me in PA.

I agree, intuition is very important. We need to listen to that little voice inside of us that says something isn’t right here. Thankfully, I did listen before too much damage was done.

Finally, Redwald, you are right, I should have said my goal is to teach people, not just women. Men can be exploited just as easy as women can be.

Thank you all for your support.

Lesson Learned: Thank you! ^_^ You deserve some credit too. I learned a lot from you and others on this site and other blogs. My smarts are all a collective effort of everyone involved in exposing sociopaths.

spfree: You made an account to post. Yay! *high fives* Keep us posted(ha) and let’s hope he doesn’t come back! That feeling of dread is the worst. Will they return? What about my loved ones? Am I safe? All these worries can start to rip you apart if you let them, so be careful. ^_^

I understand the fear of knowing he is two hours away. How do you sleep at night. I mean if you have family nearby it is easier. I still have dreams about my ex plus I am always thinking that even with chains, 2 alarms, alarms on the bedroom door (sleeping on the floor in my son’s room too afraid to let him sleep alone) that he is still somehow camped in the house just waiting to hurt us. How do you get past it? Sleep with lights off not check every room 20 times etc?

I understand the comparison between love and obsession, although I find it difficult to define. I feel it is obsession that my SP has for me, and I am still stuck in the situation.

I am so glad you managed to get away after a relatively short period of time, and wish you luck with your marriage.

Caution: Online dating user going by name
manonamission59 on Plenty of Fish dating site. Misrepresenting himself by using a copyrighted commercial image owned by masterfile.com. Says he owns his own business, used to own a Porsche, has a sailboat, etc. Going by the name of “Steven.” Anyone else had any interaction with this character? I have alerted the authorities at the copyright company and they will consult with their legal team. Great resource for women to check out & authenticate online dating pictures: TinEye! Please respond with any anecdotes you may have.

So good of you to print the info about the Internet Predator.

So many people think that the person hooked by a Sociopath is rather stupid and should have “KNOWN” that the person was weird.

Thank you to “spfree” for having the courage to make your experience available for others to learn from.

As I have told my critics:
They (Sociopaths) dont come with a sign on their forehead.
It is very hard to identify a Sociopath in a social setting.
Usually all the nasty stuff is reserved for behind closed doors.

Thank you, zoey, your posting is so much appreciated. It is true what you tell your critics. It isn’t until the facade begins to crack that we realize our love isn’t who we think they are.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Why don’t you develop some introspection. YOU left your family for him. YOU decided to start a new life with some “dream man”. This is one thing you people don’t understand about so called “disordered people”, they simply exploit the greed, deceit, vanity, ego, in their victims. This is AFTER they see that YOU aren’t REAL, HONEST PERSON yourself. It’s like this: Jane dates a guy named Ted. Ted is really nice, he’s genuinely caring, truthful to a fault, empathetic, etc. But the thing is, Ted has a crappier job than Jane and his looks are slightly below hers. Jane decides one day that she doesn’t want to be with Ted because he’s boring and at times, she feels shes being smothered SIMPLY because he’s so nice. Jane breaks it off and meets Jim. Jim makes more money than her and exudes an extreme level of confidence. He’s also really good looking. Jane falls madly in love thinking how a man like Jim could be attracted to her – shes swept off her feet. Eventually, Jane ends up on lovefraud because Jim treated her “so badly”.

The point from this story: Jane is CONSUMED BY EGO TO A DISGUSTING LEVEL. She WILL leave Jim if she finds that he doesn’t meet up to her FANTASY. So Jim starts telling her the TRUTH about herself and she can’t take it. She calls it abuse. Jim knows she will leave him if he shows his true self because Jane is FICKLE and PETTY. It goes from there…Jim is still human and if Jane can play a game, he can too. Jim is not obligated to be friendly to someone so phony.

You people need to grow up.

I have received reports that the above comment is abusive. I am letting it remain as a reminder of how little many people understand what goes on in sociopathic relationships.

Thank you, Donna. Haven’t been here for a while. I just read the comment above. Unbelievable.

Aspaz1ng,
Assuming you’re right, then why does Jim not just LEAVE Jane, the way Jane left Ted? Why does he keep stalking and harassing her for YEARS AFTER they breakup. Why can’t he GET A LIFE? Why doesn’t he get a JOB? Why does he LIE TO EVERYONE, not just Jane. Jim is not obligated to be friendly to anyone, but why does he spend all his time concocting crazy schemes to remain in Jane’s life and cause drama? why is he OBSESSED with Jane?

Donna,
Aspaz’s post is not about not understanding, it’s about twisting the truth. It’s blame shifting.

aspaz1ng: Although I can certainly see your point.
The world is full of unscrupulous people who would suck your very life from you if you were to allow them to.

It’s not about Jane and Jim though, exploiting the greed, deceit, vanity and ego in their victims, it is about choosing to do what is right and honorable. It’s being grown up enough to handle the relationship in the first place. It’s about not letting go of that friendship and affection that originally brought them together.
It is about the absence of betrayal.

It is so much more than just ‘using’. There are more important things and values in this life…more precious than gold and diamonds or anything you can imagine…that is virtue and being honest and forthright and upstanding in all your dealings. Our choices in this life speak as to the fiber of the person. You know the old saying: “A person is only as good as their word.”

I have never been consumed by ego to a disgusting level because I was almost devoured.

He didn’t meet up to my fantasy because he never was my fantasy to begin with. That is where the story went wrong. Fickleness, yes…

Exactly, nobody is obligated to be anything to anyone in this life. It’s all a free will choice. But when the situation crosses the line (ie: abuse, be it emotional or physical)…all the rules change. Because MY LIFE is just as important as the next persons.

Thanks for the insight aspaz1ng…
*Blessings in the New Year*

Dupey

Donna,

I have no problem with the abusive post remaining for the purpose that you said….most people do NOT understand an abusive relationship….and WHY someone would stay in a relationship for DECADES when they are being beaten, humiliated and enslaved by a psychopath.

The poster shows his or her ignorance of the trauma bonds and the psychology that goes along with, and while the poster (I believe) intended to make fun of or shift blame for the victim’s abuse to the victim, I do think it is a good example of what we do NOT need to believe.

I realize that I was pretty narcissistic in thinking I had the power to “change” my psychopathic son, that I had the power or somewhere could FIND the power to save him from himself. I think my feelings are pretty much a universal with all of us whether the person we are trying to save is our child, our parent, our love interest, our friend, or whatever the relationship is, we keep on trying to make life bearable or good when in truth we do NOT HAVE THE POWER TO DO SO….I am not that strong, powerful or god-like that I can control or even really influence another’s behavior if they do not want to. Realizing I did not have that power was painful, it made ME feel like a failure for not having that power, but in truth….none of us have that power over anyone but ourselves.

I quit trying to save my son and started trying to save myself, to nurture myself, to be good to my self and to cut out not only my son from my life, but anyone who was toxic (psychopath or not) out of my life, which left much more room for those people who are uplifting, kind, caring, empathetic, supportive, and fun.

My son (and the other psychopaths I’ve known) are still the SAME, but I am MUCH MUCH MUCH!!! DIFFERENT now, I am HAPPY, and no longer trying to move mountains with a tea spoon!

The AmazIng Jim Post:
This is rather amusing. To quote to the post,
“Jim knows she will leave him if he shows his true self because Jane is FICKLE and PETTY”.

But then Amaz1ng writes “Jim is not obligated to be friendly to someone so phony.”

So Jim who hides his true self is not phony?

His own Logic falls apart with this rant to express contempt for Jane who obviously escaped him and sought counsel here. Good for you Jane.

Hopefully Jane has learned that Jim’s ugliness underneath his mask is a dealbreaker. Maybe her NEXT guy will be attractive, self-supporting AND respectful and considerate and without Contempt for her b/c Jim never will be.

Thanks for this Donna. It def serves an example of backwards TOXIC thinking.

@Oxy
Your last post is so full of truth I need to copy it and read it everyday until it seeps into the marrow of my bones! Thank you!

Very wise insights into the toxic post from amaz1ng from KatyDid, DUPED NO MORE, skylar and Donna also!! There really are good lessons in what people say, if you know what to look for! Very helpful!! Thank you!

I received an friend request from a man on Facebook today. I don’t know him, we have no mutual friends. His photo was of a nice looking middle aged man and a very cute little boy. FYI, on Facebook I have all my stuff hidden from the public, so I don’t know how he knows I even exist…anyway…NOT BITING ON THAT HOOK! Blocked him! TOWANDA! ; )

To all:

Regarding the post by amaz1ng…

Umm… this sounds exactly like how the Bad Man (my exploitive abuser) would take something and twist it all around into an attack. He loved to use the word “fickle” when describing me and anything to do with women… usually women that were reacting to his drama and pscyho-ness.

The twisted way in which this person describes the situation is very familiar to me. He/she takes the story and twists it all up to make the victim of lovefraud to be the perpetrator with poor character. Oh how familiar this is.

I hate this post.

It is true that one of the tactics of exploitive people is to appeal to our hearts in a way that perhaps, no one ever has. They tease our hopes and dreams out of us and then feed or mirror them back. It’s so funny actually.. we give them the script ourselves, quite often. But since WE would never fake out someone like that, it doesn’t occur to us that someone else would be creating a facade to appeal to our wildest hopes and dreams. We usually take things at face value. If they say they always wanted everything we wanted… why would we doubt that upfront? We think we found “The One” or our “Match.”

To me, one of the biggest casualties of a LF experience is our hopes and dreams. There’s nothing like that high that we feel as we believe we are sailing toward our happily ever after only to find that it is only a castle made of sand…. no foundation, nothing real… gone in a flash.

Anyway, I agree with Donna. Keep the post. It gave me a little flashback of the kind of attacks I would get from the old Bad Man.

Bleh.

Happy New Year to all!

Aloha

amaz1ng –
“YOU decided to start a new life with some “dream man”.

Actually, no I did not. I was not remotely interested in the Superspath to begin with ”“ in fact, I found him physically unattractive and he seemed a little bit sleazy when I first met him (just a gut feeling, which I ignored to my peril, reasoning that I was perhaps being overly suspicious). I was extremely surprised when he showed up at my workplace the following day with a red rose for me and then proceeded to telephone me and to visit my workplace constantly.

He actively pursued me and because the friends who had introduced us were decent people, I mistakenly reasoned that this virtue would surely carry over to their acquaintances plus I did not wish to injure his feelings, so I agreed to be “friends” with him. He wangled the rest from that point”.it turns out that our mutual friends were also thoroughly scammed by him, could not now be more embarrassed than they are by the way that he eventually treated me and were also deeply hurt by his twisted plotting and planning; but those things took a while to manifest, by which time he had had us all in his thrall for several years.

He overcame my initial disinterest with continual “love-bombing”, gifts, declarations of love and other sweeping gestures and I GRADUALLY gave in to his advances as he overwhelmed me with them and then I began to fall in love with the person that he pretended to be. He had from the start, attempted to sweep me off my feet but I had forced him to slow down as I was not willing to be bought by grand gestures ”“ yet, despite my initial caution, I still got caught.

“This is one thing you people don’t understand about so called “disordered people”, they simply exploit the greed, deceit, vanity, ego, in their victims.”

I am generous, not greedy; honest, not deceitful; do not consider myself a vain person and neither would people I know describe me this way; my ego is not at all inflated but in actual fact, the very opposite was the case for many years until I learned to accept that I had value and that this did not hinge on the approval of others. I refuse to buy into your ignorant, uninformed, incorrect and frankly narrow-minded and mean-spirited assessment of victims as a “job lot”. I would suggest that all other “Janes” out there do likewise”

“This is AFTER they see that YOU aren’t REAL, HONEST PERSON yourself.”

You could not be further off-base than you are here. (Also, your grammar – or maybe it’s your typing? ”“ needs a little work sweetie) (Just saying”)

“Jim makes more money than her and exudes an extreme level of confidence. He’s also really good looking. Jane falls madly in love thinking how a man like Jim could be attracted to her ”“ shes swept off her feet.”

(Tsk, Tsk, grammar and spelling again…)
Um, no. Try “not that much more money than me” and “ugly to the point that I had to work to overcome my physical disinterest bordering on repulsion”, in favour the “person” he sold to me ”“ the stuff that was allegedly on the inside (but that I did not know was FAKE).

And no, I have never wondered how “someone like (anything)” could fall in love with “someone like me”. I have always been pretty, kept myself clean and well-groomed, dressed attractively, had above-average intelligence, been capable of interesting conversation, worked hard for everything I have, enjoyed the good company of a wide circle of friends, been an upbeat, positive and optimistic kind of character and had my pick of available single gentlemen.

These are not things that I ever would have said in public before the Superspath either ”“ I would have thought it vain of me to do so and actually some of that list would not have even entered my mind as I was raised to be humble and never to think too much of myself. I have no problem rattling off this description of myself now, as I have since realised two things –

(1) it’s NOT vain to say these things if they are true and when you are not flaunting them all over the joint and slapping other peoples’ faces with them; and

(2) it’s important, after being spathed, to pin-point what it was that they were attracted to in us, which were the things that they tried to destroy about us and for us to claw our way back to all of those good things about ourselves.

“She WILL leave Jim if she finds that he doesn’t meet up to her FANTASY. So Jim starts telling her the TRUTH about herself and she can’t take it. She calls it abuse.”

No ”“ not MY fantasy ”“ HIS fantasy. I was not looking to be in a relationship with anyone at that time and had no version of any “fantasy partner” on/in my mind at all. I was happily living my own life as a busy, productive, financially independent member of my community. I was about to buy my own home and had enrolled to study for a career change. I was doing just fine, thanks. HE created the persona and then relentlessly presented it for sale to me; I eventually bought it because he mirrored back to me all that I hold true and just and decent.

I thought to myself, “Although I was not looking to be in a relationship at this time, this man appears to be just the sort of man I admire and like and could see myself with. I should give this a chance and see where it leads”.

“Jim knows she will leave him if he shows his true self because Jane is FICKLE and PETTY. It goes from there”Jim is still human and if Jane can play a game, he can too. Jim is not obligated to be friendly to someone so phony.”

Hmmmmmmmmm. No ”“ I would leave him because he’s a monster who trashed the good life I was having and ruined my health and earning capacity into the bargain. Far from being fickle, I am a loyal and trustworthy person. I don’t play mind-games and I would certainly never deliberately play with another person’s emotions ”“ I would hate to inflict hurt on a fellow human, so I am careful with how I treat others. I’m not phoney, either. I am genuine and kind and thoughtful and truthful. My “Jim” could not have been further from human if he had tried”oh! THAT’S RIGHT! HE DID!!!!

“You people need to grow up.”
Projection, projection, projection. (Aussie imagines how big the nappy and the dummy must be to accommodate THIS viewpoint. (That’s diaper and pacifier for you Americans out there) 

But.. you know what? I understand human behavior so much more now after the BM. I understand what need he was fullfilling in me by pretending to be my match and why it was so irresistable at the time.

I don’t need someone else to fullfill me that way anymore. Now, I can see what is driving people when I tune in and pay attention. And I notice what feelings are stirring in me when I interact with others. And I don’t just react like a pinball in a machine. I have more control over myself and my emotions. I learned to think more critically post Bad Man.

Today, no one, and I mean NO ONE, could sweep my off my feet. The whole sweeping thing… danger danger danger.

Show me. Don’t try to snow me. (a little Aloha humor)

Good night.

Aloha

Aussiegirl… don’t feed into amaz1ng. I think there is something off there. Ya know?

You don’t have to defend yourself here. We get you. :O)

Well, I think it’s time for my nappy… I mean my bed time. :O)

Aloha

aloha –

Hey girl! How ya doin? xx

I know, I know, I know and I was half expecting Sky to boink me but then I remembered that she had replied also…..so I knew I was off that particular hook. I just didn’t count on you popping up with the skillet!! LOL.

I just couldn’t resist the urge this once. In case Jane was reading, you know? I’ll be good now, I promise. xxx

Of course all the things they say about us are totally the opposite of truth…that is their skewered way their brain works….as my Father has always said ‘Consider the Source’ and in the case of a spath….SAY WHATEVER and turn the page and keep going….I believe it is their last ditch attempt to draw us in…IMHO…Have a good day…Cheers.

Jordeez,
Yep, they are the People of the Lie, to quote Dr. Scott Peck.

Not only do they lie to us, but they lie to themselves. Everything about them is the opposite of the truth. EVERTHING.

They are 180 degrees the opposite of reality. It’s no wonder they lie all the time.

I just came across this article and was so relieved to find people who had been through something like I had.

I am in my mid-20s, and was married for a year before my husband and I realized we were just wrong for each other. We decided to separate, and I moved into my own apartment. A few months passed, and out of lonliness, I decided to join a popular dating site.

The Perp was the first person who contacted me on that site. He was gorgeous, looked very well-groomed, and very intelligent. After a week of chatting online and via text, we met in person. Sparks flew. I hadn’t ever met anyone with so many commonalities as I had. We loved the same food, the same music, the same activities, had the same life goals. He was busy working full time and running a business on the side, so I didn’t think anything of his full schedule.

Here’s the weird part: he claimed to have late-stage skin cancer. He had the scars on his body to prove it. I even met his entire family, who confirmed his disease. He made it seem like it was bad enough that he had just stopped treatments. My heart broke for him”“a smart, beautiful, talented man, who was dying in front of my eyes. I wanted to give him the world.

A couple whirlwind months passed by, where we met each other’s families, we hinted about futures together (ie, “we’d have such pretty babies”), we’d gone on amazing dates and adventures. We’d hold hands in the car and sing duets from old musicals. I was completely snowed. I was ready to literally do anything for this man to make the rest of his short life amazing.

After some time, I was contacted by another woman. Turns out I wasn’t the only woman on his plate. In fact, he was a sociopathic player. He would find women online that fit his profile (typically, young, of a certain height, weight, hair color, eye color, and ALL divorced). The fact that the women were divorced or widowed made them vulnerable. He would ride in on his proverbial steed and sweep them off their feet.

I confronted the Perp about this and he vehemently denied it. Showed me “proof” that the other girl was lying. I listened to him, and continued to date him casually for another 6 months. Just this weekend, I decided to snoop around his house/phone/computer while he was asleep. It was all true. He has profiles on SEVERAL dating sites. He finds women anywhere he can find them. They buy him gifts, they pay for his dinner, they pity him for his cancer and want to make it better. The nights he spent working late were spent with other women. The phone calls and texts and emails “to work partners” were him calling other girls, texting other women, right in front of my face. All of his “friends” that he hung out with were girls he was stringing along, just like me.

I am convinced I was kept around because I paid for everything”“took him to concerts, trips, events, museums, dinners”“all because I wanted to help him live his life to the fullest. He talked about getting married all the time”“I am sure that was to take advantage of my health insurance benefits.

Today is literally day one of NC for me. It’s going to be a long, hard road. I am grateful because so many out there seem to have been duped much harder than I was. But the pain still hurts”“I thought I’d found my prince charming and all he did was lie, cheat, and steal to my face.

THE INTERNET IS A SCARY PLACE, FOLKS. But I am confident this site might help us all learn to make wiser decisions!

Good luck to everyone out there!

I love this blog. I used to beat myself up over letting X into my life. Now I just figure I was lucky I got out alive.

First of all, “Greta” was married to an alcoholic, and there are so many crossover behaviors there, she would already be used to them, so no red flags waving. Plus, your ego is in the dumpster already. When I met X, I was recently divorced from a “recovering” cocaine addict. Turned out the only thing he was recovering was his financial status by paying off the debtors with my money. And even when it was so bad at the end with X, he was still easier to live with.

The abusive comment lost my interest almost immediately. Yadda yadda yadda, heard it all before, so MANY times. But then our lovely readers used is as a weapon for good. Way to GO!

My X became an internet predator as soon as he got his own computer. Maybe before, but he was more careful since it was my work computer. Does explain how I “accidentally” ended up on so many porn sites mailing list. Now, if I didn’t have that whole no contact rule, I would have forwarded them all to him, especially the viagra and ones advertising The Pump for the smaller men. *snickers wickedly*

I also have trained as a “scam baiter”. You keep them busy thinking they have you hooked, and sometimes they get themselves in so far you can turn them over to the cops. Which is where I learned about TinEye. It’s free by the way. I no longer do it on a regular basis, but I might just take a stroll on Plenty Of Fish. It’s a lovely day for fishing, brahahhahaaa. *ahem*

Dear Connedincharlotte,

Hello and congratulations! First day of NC…..and counting girl!
….. now you are rid of that loathsome carcass your life will begin. Again.
The best thing about being single for me?
I’m loving the P and Q friend. Read and learn and stay strong.
Regards, SW 🙂

Aussiegirl,

Actually, by spelling it out and responding step by step, you have provided a service and validation to many… so no worries. Just ignore my late night quips.

I just thought that there seemed to be something wrong with the post from amaz1ng. It sounded a lot like the way the Bad Man operates. Ewww. Shivers….

The other option is that this “amaz1ng” person just stumbled onto this site and the story didn’t make sense so they decided to bash about and scold us… as is so much fun on an annonymous forum (some people enjoy doing this) :O(.

LoveFraud is a long ongoing conversation and we are speaking about something that most people don’t get. They don’t get it until they get it. That is one of the most amazing things here… how many professional people, even mental health people, have been deceived and duped by a pathologically exploitive person? It happens every day.

In fact, there is someone that I work with that I finally realize may be on the spectrum somewhere. I have been coaching my Boss on how to deal with this guy and I can tell my Boss is not sure if I am a paranoid weirdo or if I am right on. I believe this character (the bad employee) will attempt to sue the agency when they fire him. And they are on his trail. He is a very shady dude. My boss and I had a meeting where he was insisting that I need to come in each day with a clean slate and “believe in the positive intent of others.” HA! HA!

Seriously! So, I had to explain to Boss that I have a year’s worth of evidence against this character who burns the team every weekend (when I work). He lies, he steals, he tricks, he deceives. And they want me to continue believing in his positive intent? Come on!

Have you ever tried to explain how a sociopath works to someone that doesn’t get it? And they have that look of 1/2 understanding? They hear what you are saying but they are not sure if they should believe you… that there are people like that… and they try to think of another explanation… like that you might not be telling the full story… or “it takes two to tango.”

These old thought patterns hold people hostage to pathologically exploitive people.

So, Mr. Shady Co-worker… I got your number and soon, you will be disconnected!

HAHA! (Do I sound evil? I hope not!)

All the best to you in 2012, down under. I hope to visit the land where the toilet water goes the other way…. :O) I have a pen pal that I want to visit there that i have been writing to for more than 1/2 my life.

XO Aloha

Romanticfool no more…

I love your handle! Awesome!

And fishing… a public service.

We thank you.

Aloha

Strongwoman…

NO CONTACT!

“Loathsome Carcass” !!! I can’t say I have heard that one before but I LOVE IT! I am sure it was well earned!

No contact is truly the only way to go. Today is the first day of the rest of your life… you chose to no longer waste time on with a Life Leech. (hey! That’s a new one too!)

Good luck.

I have 4 or 5 years of no contact. I don’t know when I officially began. That’s a good thing… he fades into distant memories but the learning and wisdom remain.

Aloha

Ok… I am off to the Spa for a facial! YAY!!

Anyone out there who is feeling down? Go do something nice for yourself… Go! (and let me know… that would make me extra happy!)

Aloha

(signing off now for a bit.. this time for sure.)

Aloha hi!

Yes it seemed appropriate. It comes from a film version of A Christmas Carol. ( “Scrooge” 1973 I think!) Scrooges nephew uses that phrase to describe him. Great isn’t it, lol!!!
Life leech ….hmm yep like that too. Be borrowing that friend

Am going out for a meal tonight. Greek restaurant. Yum!
Enjoy your facial

Thanks aloha. I occasionally have trouble logging on and have to come up with a new name. I WAS romanticfool, but after a few years on here I felt I had come far enough to qualify it. Six years of no contact (at least on my side) and I am a card carrying LF enthusiast. My young friends who are internet dating sometimes get a little tired of it, but after I tell them what exactly the guy will do next, and I’m right on, they start listening.

I put my LF hard gained knowledge to use scanning scammers of all types. It was good therapy for me, since I had no control over my real life situation, and no closure.

My “nice to myself” latest craze is fingernails. I can’t grow them, but the dollar store has quite nice ones. I have to trim them down to meet my not at all glamorous life style, but I’ve been having a riot making up all sorts of goofy colors with my best friend. We are both disabled and don’t get out much, so we have fingernail painting parties like we are in high school. I get the fingernail polish for a dollar too. We are both creative and having a heck of a lot of fun.

Have any of us who have been here a bet NOT seen that glazed over, only getting a little of it, gaze? I don’t really blame them for the most part, I lived with him for decades and STILL have trouble realizing that yes, he almost killed me, did years of psychological and physical torture (messing with my medications). I don’t care much any more what they think. I’m ok with the way I am, and though I’m constantly working to improve myself, its for me. No one else. For the first time in my life I have no one else to please on a daily basis, no responsibilities. Right now it’s a full time job just wrapping my head around that freedom. I’d come to accept that my life would be below the poverty standard, that there was no sense in having nice things because they would just get ruined any way. My whole world revolved around “it doesn’t matter so long as he loves me”. All that “love” was yanked from me in less than 15 minutes. Now my security depends solely on myself. I’m rather annoyingly chirpy!

RF no more,

Ha!”I’m rather annoyingly chirpy!”

Excellent. Good for you. That’s one in the eye for the spathy ex

RomanticFool NO MORE!

I have always loved the screen names that people use on LF. They tell us so much sometimes.

I chose AlohaTraveler because I left the islands because I needed to get away from the Bad Man. But then a few months later, I moved back to Hawaii to a different island. I did this because:

1. I was mad that I let someone spoil my dream.
2. The only job offer I got was in the islands and I needed a job bad.

I came back from Hawaii the 2nd time after only a few months because:

1. I shouldn’t have gone back in the first place.
2. Financially, I was a trainwreck
3. Emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually… a trainwreck
4. At my new job, I worked with someone who acted like a rabid dog and screamed at me in meetings… as if I had the energy for that… I was already so wounded.
5. I guess I was over the island thing.. (not really) :O(

Having a Bad Man experience certainly changes our life perspective on so many things. I think it is tragic that there are people out there that prey on other’s hearts. What a disgusting thing to do!

Anyway, I am glad you have found a way to pamper yourself and have fun with friends. We all need that.

I am back from my pampering experience and now for my next trick.. a NAP ATTACK!

Take care, Aloha

ConnedInCharlotte –

“relieved to find people who had been through something like I had.”

Only hundreds of us darling! Welcome and stay and read and weep and growl and bluster and learn and grieve and RECOVER. You are in the right spot for it. x

I hadn’t ever met anyone with so many commonalities as I had. We loved the same food, the same music, the same activities, had the same life goals.”

Hate to burst your bubble – but probably NOT.

They study us and listen carefully to everything we say, notice the things for which we have reverance and watch to find out the things that we hold dear – then they simply mirror these things back to us and smile on the inside as we sqeaul delightedly, “Wow! Really ?!?! ME TOO!!!!!”

It’s all a sham; nothing behind the mirror but a swirling, vaccuous void. We LIKE what we see and hear because these things reflect our OWN values and interests. We are not being vain in this – our delight at having found our “soul mate” is genuine, as is our delight at having “found” someone with whom we have so many things in common.

Smoke and mirrors, babe – smoke and mirrors.

“he claimed to have late-stage skin cancer. He had the scars on his body to prove it. I even met his entire family, who confirmed his disease. ”

Several possibilities here:
1) He hasn’t got it but he has convinced his family/friends who he has also scammed, that he has and that’s why they appear to back up his story (this option is highly likley, as many spaths pretend all manner of sickness, especially termial illnessess);

2) He had some benign tumours or lumps removed but goes by the malignant story because it pays better (again, having misrepresented the truth to family and friends):

3) He has got something nasty, but instead of seeing the way that those of us who are actual human beings would, he has managed to turn it to his advantage and use his situation as a means of scamming others (indicating that the cancer is in fact NOT the nastiest thing he has; besides his toxic personality, the cancer really does fade to into insignificance).

Aloha –

Thank you for your kind wishes – right back at ya sister! x

I have every intention of making this year such a good one that it will go some way to wiping out the past 11!

I believe long distance online romances are generally a bad idea. However, I do think there is some merit in *meeting* people online if you are going to meet them in person right away, AND if you can take the meetings lightly. If you are too lonely, it’s harder to do that. If you’re not too lonely or vulnerable, the internet can be a great tool for expanding your social circle and making introductions to people you wouldn’t normally meet. But I caution against having long, drawn-out email, skype, and phone romances. I know how seductive some people can be online. When I first joined my reptile forum, I was very lonely and it was my main social outlet. I began developing crushes on different guys I mostly never met) and got my heart broken a few times. (This is also where I met the sociopath, but at least we met in person right away. So meeting in person is no guarantee that you don’t have a sociopath).

The problem with long distance romances that start online is that you know very little of the person, so your mind creates a fantasy of that person and fills in the gaps for what you don’t know. The longest I ever chatted online with a guy before I met him was 6 weeks. That felt like an eternity, and I developed such a fantasy about him that when I finally met him, I ignored the little voice telling me he wasn’t right for me. Though he was a decent and genuine person, I ended up getting my heart broken. During our online discussions, I didn’t see the subtle cues that we were not suited as a romantic couple. And by the time I met him, I was already invested in the fantasy. Tough lesson.

So now I make it a point not to develop romantic relationships online. If they are long distance, unless I am looking for a contact/friend in that particular town, I won’t even write to them.

Having said this, I am off the dating sites these days because my social calendar is pretty full, and I’m meeting a lot of guys through shared interests and mutual friends and dating a few of them casually. I am going on a cruise this weekend with a guy I met through a mutual friend but our friendship started on Facebook. He saw me at a club one night dancing and singing karaoke with a famous musical icon who is a friend of both of ours. Apparently he became interested in me. I had no idea who he was because he had left by the time my musical icon friend told me of his interest. She was trying to play matchmaker. It was very sweet. I was flattered but I didn’t think anything of it. I saw his picture, and didn’t get too excited. Eventually, he friended me on Facebook through our mutual friend. We became Facebook friends, and I got to see his great personality and sense of humor. One day he invited me to a concert, and we had a great time. It was all very light and casual but it was clear that it was still a date. He puts no pressure on me for anything more, though I’m very excited about the cruise and what might be a possibility with him. My point is that the internet facilitated this casual dating relationship. I think this is one of the the greatest advantages of the internet if taken in the right light. However, for the very lonely or vulnerable, it’s easy to get targeted by predators. Hopefully, you will know if you are lonely or vulnerable, but sometimes you don’t. Obviously I didn’t know back in those days.

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