UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Greta.” She writes about being hooked by an internet predator.
After being married for 23 years to an alcoholic, being sad and lonely, I was vulnerable and targeted by a sociopath online through Facebook. I live in the US, he was from the Netherlands but living in Italy at time. He sent me a random friend request, I accepted, we talked on instant message chat occasionally for about 9 months and then he zeroed in.
He speaks 5 languages fluently and has traveled to many countries. He is very bright and articulate. We had similar interests, especially spiritually, or at least the illusion was that we did. He convinced me to use Skype and after that I ended up leaving my husband, family and job and sent him a plane ticket to come to the US. (Of course, he had no money and used the excuse that he lost his job several months ago and was unemployed in a terrible economy—pity party.)
We met in Florida where we stayed with my father and stepmother for a few months. Employment was difficult but I landed a long-term temporary position with an insurance company. My stepmother was the first one to see through him. She tried to warn me but I didn’t want to hear it, even though my intuition was telling me something just wasn’t right. When she finally said he had to get out of her house because his 90-day visa was going to expire, he convinced me to go to a motel until we got an apartment, which we did within the week. Once we were on our own, his true colors started coming out.
True colors
He was manipulative. He isolated me from friends and family. He grabbed my arm so hard one time he left a bruise that lasted over a month. He was a drinker from the beginning but it escalated. I started to find out things about his past relationships and work history, some of which did not add up to what he had told me. Evidence of him trying to find other women was all over the internet. He would constantly threaten me that, “if I ever broke his heart, there would be no grotto in the mountain that could hide me — he would hunt me down and kill me.” In the beginning he couldn’t do enough around the house, including cooking. Soon enough he became lazy and did nothing but drink, smoke and play on the internet all day (most likely looking for his next target).
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
Meanwhile, I was missing my 21-year-old son and his new 2 month old baby. I wanted to come back to PA to see them. He did not want me to go. Something about the whole situation started to scare me. I was afraid to break it off but then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not. Something just didn’t feel right. The good times were great and the bad times were subtle but yet scary. He would get terribly angry over trivial matters. He would say nasty things. I would cry and then he would apologize then use intimacy to get to me.
Escape
Because I was fearful, I finally decided that I would secretly leave, as if I was going to work one day and go to the airport and go home to PA. I started secreting my most precious belongings to my mother’s house. He was so self-involved he never even noticed anything missing. I knew I would have to leave a lot of possessions and clothing behind but I didn’t care.
The day came, I left as if I was going to work, kissed him good-bye and left for the airport. Three times on the way to the airport I was ready to turn around and go back — why was I feeling such an attraction to him that I was having such a hard time going away from? With my stepmother’s and mother’s help, I got on the plane and went back to my family.
Even after 4 months of this nightmare, my husband and family never gave up on me. My husband never stopped loving me and is willing to do anything to help me through this trauma and we are working our marriage. He has even stopped drinking.
On the street
After I left I stayed in contact with my SP for a while, feeling guilty and responsible that I didn’t send him back to Europe and left him basically in the mud — no place to live, no money — nothing. The apartment manager contacted me and told me that he was taken by ambulance to the hospital for playing suicide. After 3 days, he was released and tried to enter the apartment but I had the locks changed. He then broke into the neighbor’s apartment and was arrested for trespassing and spent 10 days in prison. When he was released he spent about 2-3 weeks on the street and in shelters. He convinced a church to buy him a bus ticket to NY city.
I cut off contact with him — he had my email — but I remain in contact with his ex-girlfriend/mother of his child in Italy. She tells me that he is in NY waiting for the paperwork to be sent back to the Netherlands. It scares me that he is only 2 hours from me in PA. It scares me that I might look out my door and see him standing there one day. Even though our last contact he kept telling me how much he loved me still, I know this is not true. I know he is angry. I know it is obsession not love. I can only hope he gets that ticket back to Holland and does not ever come back to US soil.
He is an internet predator and once I have healing under my belt, it is my goal to teach women about the dangers of the internet and sociopathic predators such as the one I encountered. I was a Criminal Justice professional with a B.A. degree in Criminal Justice Rehabilitation and a minor in Psychology, yet I didn’t see it coming. I was physically, emotionally and financially devastated from this experience, and I want to prevent others from making the same terrible mistake I did.
Learn more: Dating again after the sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 23, 2011.
10 Facts to help you explain your experience with a sociopath
This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Why don’t you develop some introspection. YOU left your family for him. YOU decided to start a new life with some “dream man”. This is one thing you people don’t understand about so called “disordered people”, they simply exploit the greed, deceit, vanity, ego, in their victims. This is AFTER they see that YOU aren’t REAL, HONEST PERSON yourself. It’s like this: Jane dates a guy named Ted. Ted is really nice, he’s genuinely caring, truthful to a fault, empathetic, etc. But the thing is, Ted has a crappier job than Jane and his looks are slightly below hers. Jane decides one day that she doesn’t want to be with Ted because he’s boring and at times, she feels shes being smothered SIMPLY because he’s so nice. Jane breaks it off and meets Jim. Jim makes more money than her and exudes an extreme level of confidence. He’s also really good looking. Jane falls madly in love thinking how a man like Jim could be attracted to her – shes swept off her feet. Eventually, Jane ends up on lovefraud because Jim treated her “so badly”.
The point from this story: Jane is CONSUMED BY EGO TO A DISGUSTING LEVEL. She WILL leave Jim if she finds that he doesn’t meet up to her FANTASY. So Jim starts telling her the TRUTH about herself and she can’t take it. She calls it abuse. Jim knows she will leave him if he shows his true self because Jane is FICKLE and PETTY. It goes from there…Jim is still human and if Jane can play a game, he can too. Jim is not obligated to be friendly to someone so phony.
You people need to grow up.
I have received reports that the above comment is abusive. I am letting it remain as a reminder of how little many people understand what goes on in sociopathic relationships.
Thank you, Donna. Haven’t been here for a while. I just read the comment above. Unbelievable.
Aspaz1ng,
Assuming you’re right, then why does Jim not just LEAVE Jane, the way Jane left Ted? Why does he keep stalking and harassing her for YEARS AFTER they breakup. Why can’t he GET A LIFE? Why doesn’t he get a JOB? Why does he LIE TO EVERYONE, not just Jane. Jim is not obligated to be friendly to anyone, but why does he spend all his time concocting crazy schemes to remain in Jane’s life and cause drama? why is he OBSESSED with Jane?
Donna,
Aspaz’s post is not about not understanding, it’s about twisting the truth. It’s blame shifting.
aspaz1ng: Although I can certainly see your point.
The world is full of unscrupulous people who would suck your very life from you if you were to allow them to.
It’s not about Jane and Jim though, exploiting the greed, deceit, vanity and ego in their victims, it is about choosing to do what is right and honorable. It’s being grown up enough to handle the relationship in the first place. It’s about not letting go of that friendship and affection that originally brought them together.
It is about the absence of betrayal.
It is so much more than just ‘using’. There are more important things and values in this life…more precious than gold and diamonds or anything you can imagine…that is virtue and being honest and forthright and upstanding in all your dealings. Our choices in this life speak as to the fiber of the person. You know the old saying: “A person is only as good as their word.”
I have never been consumed by ego to a disgusting level because I was almost devoured.
He didn’t meet up to my fantasy because he never was my fantasy to begin with. That is where the story went wrong. Fickleness, yes…
Exactly, nobody is obligated to be anything to anyone in this life. It’s all a free will choice. But when the situation crosses the line (ie: abuse, be it emotional or physical)…all the rules change. Because MY LIFE is just as important as the next persons.
Thanks for the insight aspaz1ng…
*Blessings in the New Year*
Dupey
Donna,
I have no problem with the abusive post remaining for the purpose that you said….most people do NOT understand an abusive relationship….and WHY someone would stay in a relationship for DECADES when they are being beaten, humiliated and enslaved by a psychopath.
The poster shows his or her ignorance of the trauma bonds and the psychology that goes along with, and while the poster (I believe) intended to make fun of or shift blame for the victim’s abuse to the victim, I do think it is a good example of what we do NOT need to believe.
I realize that I was pretty narcissistic in thinking I had the power to “change” my psychopathic son, that I had the power or somewhere could FIND the power to save him from himself. I think my feelings are pretty much a universal with all of us whether the person we are trying to save is our child, our parent, our love interest, our friend, or whatever the relationship is, we keep on trying to make life bearable or good when in truth we do NOT HAVE THE POWER TO DO SO….I am not that strong, powerful or god-like that I can control or even really influence another’s behavior if they do not want to. Realizing I did not have that power was painful, it made ME feel like a failure for not having that power, but in truth….none of us have that power over anyone but ourselves.
I quit trying to save my son and started trying to save myself, to nurture myself, to be good to my self and to cut out not only my son from my life, but anyone who was toxic (psychopath or not) out of my life, which left much more room for those people who are uplifting, kind, caring, empathetic, supportive, and fun.
My son (and the other psychopaths I’ve known) are still the SAME, but I am MUCH MUCH MUCH!!! DIFFERENT now, I am HAPPY, and no longer trying to move mountains with a tea spoon!
The AmazIng Jim Post:
This is rather amusing. To quote to the post,
“Jim knows she will leave him if he shows his true self because Jane is FICKLE and PETTY”.
But then Amaz1ng writes “Jim is not obligated to be friendly to someone so phony.”
So Jim who hides his true self is not phony?
His own Logic falls apart with this rant to express contempt for Jane who obviously escaped him and sought counsel here. Good for you Jane.
Hopefully Jane has learned that Jim’s ugliness underneath his mask is a dealbreaker. Maybe her NEXT guy will be attractive, self-supporting AND respectful and considerate and without Contempt for her b/c Jim never will be.
Thanks for this Donna. It def serves an example of backwards TOXIC thinking.
@Oxy
Your last post is so full of truth I need to copy it and read it everyday until it seeps into the marrow of my bones! Thank you!
Very wise insights into the toxic post from amaz1ng from KatyDid, DUPED NO MORE, skylar and Donna also!! There really are good lessons in what people say, if you know what to look for! Very helpful!! Thank you!
I received an friend request from a man on Facebook today. I don’t know him, we have no mutual friends. His photo was of a nice looking middle aged man and a very cute little boy. FYI, on Facebook I have all my stuff hidden from the public, so I don’t know how he knows I even exist…anyway…NOT BITING ON THAT HOOK! Blocked him! TOWANDA! ; )
To all:
Regarding the post by amaz1ng…
Umm… this sounds exactly like how the Bad Man (my exploitive abuser) would take something and twist it all around into an attack. He loved to use the word “fickle” when describing me and anything to do with women… usually women that were reacting to his drama and pscyho-ness.
The twisted way in which this person describes the situation is very familiar to me. He/she takes the story and twists it all up to make the victim of lovefraud to be the perpetrator with poor character. Oh how familiar this is.
I hate this post.
It is true that one of the tactics of exploitive people is to appeal to our hearts in a way that perhaps, no one ever has. They tease our hopes and dreams out of us and then feed or mirror them back. It’s so funny actually.. we give them the script ourselves, quite often. But since WE would never fake out someone like that, it doesn’t occur to us that someone else would be creating a facade to appeal to our wildest hopes and dreams. We usually take things at face value. If they say they always wanted everything we wanted… why would we doubt that upfront? We think we found “The One” or our “Match.”
To me, one of the biggest casualties of a LF experience is our hopes and dreams. There’s nothing like that high that we feel as we believe we are sailing toward our happily ever after only to find that it is only a castle made of sand…. no foundation, nothing real… gone in a flash.
Anyway, I agree with Donna. Keep the post. It gave me a little flashback of the kind of attacks I would get from the old Bad Man.
Bleh.
Happy New Year to all!
Aloha
amaz1ng –
“YOU decided to start a new life with some “dream man”.
Actually, no I did not. I was not remotely interested in the Superspath to begin with ”“ in fact, I found him physically unattractive and he seemed a little bit sleazy when I first met him (just a gut feeling, which I ignored to my peril, reasoning that I was perhaps being overly suspicious). I was extremely surprised when he showed up at my workplace the following day with a red rose for me and then proceeded to telephone me and to visit my workplace constantly.
He actively pursued me and because the friends who had introduced us were decent people, I mistakenly reasoned that this virtue would surely carry over to their acquaintances plus I did not wish to injure his feelings, so I agreed to be “friends” with him. He wangled the rest from that point”.it turns out that our mutual friends were also thoroughly scammed by him, could not now be more embarrassed than they are by the way that he eventually treated me and were also deeply hurt by his twisted plotting and planning; but those things took a while to manifest, by which time he had had us all in his thrall for several years.
He overcame my initial disinterest with continual “love-bombing”, gifts, declarations of love and other sweeping gestures and I GRADUALLY gave in to his advances as he overwhelmed me with them and then I began to fall in love with the person that he pretended to be. He had from the start, attempted to sweep me off my feet but I had forced him to slow down as I was not willing to be bought by grand gestures ”“ yet, despite my initial caution, I still got caught.
“This is one thing you people don’t understand about so called “disordered people”, they simply exploit the greed, deceit, vanity, ego, in their victims.”
I am generous, not greedy; honest, not deceitful; do not consider myself a vain person and neither would people I know describe me this way; my ego is not at all inflated but in actual fact, the very opposite was the case for many years until I learned to accept that I had value and that this did not hinge on the approval of others. I refuse to buy into your ignorant, uninformed, incorrect and frankly narrow-minded and mean-spirited assessment of victims as a “job lot”. I would suggest that all other “Janes” out there do likewise”
“This is AFTER they see that YOU aren’t REAL, HONEST PERSON yourself.”
You could not be further off-base than you are here. (Also, your grammar – or maybe it’s your typing? ”“ needs a little work sweetie) (Just saying”)
“Jim makes more money than her and exudes an extreme level of confidence. He’s also really good looking. Jane falls madly in love thinking how a man like Jim could be attracted to her ”“ shes swept off her feet.”
(Tsk, Tsk, grammar and spelling again…)
Um, no. Try “not that much more money than me” and “ugly to the point that I had to work to overcome my physical disinterest bordering on repulsion”, in favour the “person” he sold to me ”“ the stuff that was allegedly on the inside (but that I did not know was FAKE).
And no, I have never wondered how “someone like (anything)” could fall in love with “someone like me”. I have always been pretty, kept myself clean and well-groomed, dressed attractively, had above-average intelligence, been capable of interesting conversation, worked hard for everything I have, enjoyed the good company of a wide circle of friends, been an upbeat, positive and optimistic kind of character and had my pick of available single gentlemen.
These are not things that I ever would have said in public before the Superspath either ”“ I would have thought it vain of me to do so and actually some of that list would not have even entered my mind as I was raised to be humble and never to think too much of myself. I have no problem rattling off this description of myself now, as I have since realised two things –
(1) it’s NOT vain to say these things if they are true and when you are not flaunting them all over the joint and slapping other peoples’ faces with them; and
(2) it’s important, after being spathed, to pin-point what it was that they were attracted to in us, which were the things that they tried to destroy about us and for us to claw our way back to all of those good things about ourselves.
“She WILL leave Jim if she finds that he doesn’t meet up to her FANTASY. So Jim starts telling her the TRUTH about herself and she can’t take it. She calls it abuse.”
No ”“ not MY fantasy ”“ HIS fantasy. I was not looking to be in a relationship with anyone at that time and had no version of any “fantasy partner” on/in my mind at all. I was happily living my own life as a busy, productive, financially independent member of my community. I was about to buy my own home and had enrolled to study for a career change. I was doing just fine, thanks. HE created the persona and then relentlessly presented it for sale to me; I eventually bought it because he mirrored back to me all that I hold true and just and decent.
I thought to myself, “Although I was not looking to be in a relationship at this time, this man appears to be just the sort of man I admire and like and could see myself with. I should give this a chance and see where it leads”.
“Jim knows she will leave him if he shows his true self because Jane is FICKLE and PETTY. It goes from there”Jim is still human and if Jane can play a game, he can too. Jim is not obligated to be friendly to someone so phony.”
Hmmmmmmmmm. No ”“ I would leave him because he’s a monster who trashed the good life I was having and ruined my health and earning capacity into the bargain. Far from being fickle, I am a loyal and trustworthy person. I don’t play mind-games and I would certainly never deliberately play with another person’s emotions ”“ I would hate to inflict hurt on a fellow human, so I am careful with how I treat others. I’m not phoney, either. I am genuine and kind and thoughtful and truthful. My “Jim” could not have been further from human if he had tried”oh! THAT’S RIGHT! HE DID!!!!
“You people need to grow up.”
Projection, projection, projection. (Aussie imagines how big the nappy and the dummy must be to accommodate THIS viewpoint. (That’s diaper and pacifier for you Americans out there) ïŠ