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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: How I got away from the sociopath

Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a reader who we’ll call “Lia.”

For years I felt like my life was thrown in a blender and chopped up in little pieces and those pieces included my heart, my career, my health, my sanity, my friends and my family.

My first encounter with the sociopath was at NYU medical center’s ER, while my 3-year-old son was being looked at for a bump in the head. This young intern doctor took a lot of interest in me and in my son’s well being. After recently having ended my marriage, it felt good that a guy would become so enraptured by me. At the time I was legally separated from my husband, although my ex-husband and I remained friends and even lived together for a while.  I never told the sociopath that I was separated from my husband because I was not looking for a relationship.

We dated on and off for many months. He was charming, fun and always excited to be with me. The sociopath grew on me although he was quite immature. He would come up with elaborate lies to hide his true whereabouts. It felt strange because I never asked him where he was and I did not show much interest in seeing him. I was very busy with my business. I travelled extensively for work and did not have a lot of time for dating in the first place. Nevertheless, he pursued and pursued me. The letters, the elaborate poems, music, emails and the never ending outpouring of romantic calls and gestures. In the end I finally gave in and my son and I, we moved in with the sociopath.

Pregnancy

A few months later I became pregnant and that is when all the signals appeared.  At first he wanted me to get an abortion. He spoke about all this medical mumbo-jumbo and birth defects, etc.  I ran to my doctor and got all sorts of tests and they could find nothing wrong with my pregnancy. For no apparent reason he would become enraged, easily angry and verbally abusive. I could not figure out what was wrong. He would bring me “drinks” from the hospital claiming these would be good for the baby. I started bleeding in my first trimester and I ran to get checked out. Doctors said nothing was wrong. One day he looked in the fridge and asked me how come I was not drinking the “lemonades” he was bringing me, I told him I was not in the mood but that I would be drinking them again.  As soon as he left I threw them out.  My pregnancy stabilized but he continued with his temper fits.

Shortly thereafter I found out the guy was married and was living a double life.  He lived with us four nights a week and the other three nights he was, “on-call.” So he claimed.  I had no reason to doubt him until one day when I decided to drive to his hospital and found him walking into the home where he “used” to live and was sitting on his desk and I could see his face from his window clearly to the widow of my car.  I was pregnant with his daughter. I drove home and cried.

The next day he came home I threw him out. He called over and over again. Came over again pleaded, begged and cried.  He asked me to give him a little time to end things with his wife. He said he never loved her and that she pushed him into this marriage. He said that he could not be aroused with her and that it was as if he was living with his sister. So sick, I thought, but just to get him to leave peacefully and for the sake of the baby inside my womb I told him fine, but that he needed to stay away until his situation was resolved.

He left and a month later my baby was born.  I had a beautiful baby girl, healthy and strong.  Three months later I filed for custody of my daughter and for child support.  He never showed up for the custody hearing but he did show up for the child support hearing.  Begging me to withdraw the child support petition and for another chance with him.  He came armed with a phony separation agreement and he had forged his wife’s signature. He even put his wife on speakerphone to prove that she knew about the baby, about me, etc.  Shameful but he had no shame, no guilt, and no conscience.

List of lies

November 2004.  He came over to see his daughter and said he would tell me everything.  He cried and confessed, supposedly, to all his lies:

  • That he was married but was working on getting a divorce
  • That he was never a “male model” (I used to wonder about him modeling with all those stretch marks and spare tire around his waist)
  • That he was never a “pilot for the Israeli air force,” he would wear his pilot costume often
  • That he was never on “missions to the Middle East with the Mossad,” that he often bragged about
  • That when we met he was engaged
  • That his first wedding anniversary was on the weekend we were together in Paris
  • That his aunt did not die the weekend he went on vacation with his wife
  • That he did not go to a family wedding on another family trip with his wife
  • That he did not fly to Italy to buy me my favorite perfume, that he found it online
  • That he did not fly a plane to Vermont to spend time with me in a resort, he drove there
  • That he never got a Purple Heart and other medals he claimed he received while on “military duty in the Middle East,” he got the medals online
  • That he was not on medical conferences but was doing other things
  • He claimed that he was a fat boy growing up and lacked confidence (an excuse, not all people who loose weight become sociopaths)
  • He said his mother left him with his grandmother for months when he was a baby because his mother needed to go to school (this could have had an effect and he could have failed to attach and could have affected his inability to develop a conscience which could have led to his antisocial personality disorder)

The list goes on”¦

Pneumonia

It was February 2005 and he was in a geriatric rotation when I became sick with a rare type of pneumonia.  It was difficult to diagnose because it is not contracted easily and never by someone my age.  I was told by a pulmonologist that only the elderly get this type of pneumonia. Because of complications from the pneumonia I was told I needed surgery in my right lung.

I left New York and went to a hospital near my parents in New Jersey. I had a bad feeling about this and when I was hospitalized I told my dad that I did not want the sociopath there. The sociopath had threatened me in the past and since he had tried to get me to have an abortion, what could stop him from showing up at this hospital to hurt me or do something worse?

Somehow he got past security, showed his “medical badge” and came in my room.  My father told him to leave and alerted the hospital security that there was a restraining order in effect and he needs to stay away from me.  He was warned if he showed up he would be arrested.   He stayed away but continued to call me and explain how much he cared and how worried he was about me, never once did he ask to see his daughter.

Moved in again

Even after all of the above and his manipulative and convincing ways I, again, gave in and we moved in together to a house that was provided by the hospital he worked in. I signed papers to prove we had children, etc.  He continued very angry, insecure about my ex-husband for no reason and hostile towards me and my son. He acted ambivalent towards his daughter.

He was very jealous and would have temper fits over things we had no control over such as my son mentioning that his father, my ex-husband, bought a Porsche, things like that would set him off. I told him I would move out if he continued on his yelling rampages. I was not raised that way and I did not want to raise my kids around an angry and verbally abusive man. He was so insecure, demanding, controlling and manipulative. I called the police a few times because he would become so enraged over miniscule things, he broke picture frames, furniture, etc. and I was afraid.

He said he would go to counseling and anger management so I agreed to stay. Not much changed, he did seem to have changed in the sense that he was home every night but other than that he was still a con man. He seemed to love adventure and risk-taking, he would go skydiving, and often bragged about hacking into people’s computers, stealing software and movies online, etc.

He was very stingy with money, would not buy diapers or milk for his daughter (until the day my father made a comment and even then bought the wrong size).  Always claimed to be broke. School loans, blah, blah, blah he always had an excuse. He made me pay the rent, I bought him clothes, I paid for our trips, vacations, dinners, he conned me into fixing the house, I paid thousands in home repairs, he conned me into paying for his washing machine, dryer, air conditioners, printers, computer equipment and much more. He took advantage of me in many ways but the day he laid his hands on my son, became physically abusive with me and with the baby that was the last straw.

Planning my escape

It was February 2006, I got a restraining order and started planning my escape.  I knew that if I did not take drastic measures he would reel me back into his web of lies, deception, fraud and abuse.  It did not take long for him to come crawling, crying, begging for a so called “last chance.”  Enough had been done and I was convinced in both heart and mind that I needed to take my kids away from this sociopath and to a safe place.  In the meantime, I had to keep him calm so not to instigate him.

Previously, while on one of his rage attacks he had threatened to “kill me and make it look like an accident,” his exact words.  To keep things calm I did as told and tried not to cross him. I still had to play the role of “loving partner,” but the love was gone.  I was on pure overdrive to protect my two babies even if I had to sleep with him to make him think everything was ok I did it while I continued to follow my escape plan.

Escape Plan, May 2006 to Sept 2006:

  • Wait until my son’s school was is done for the summer so not to disrupt his education
  • Sign him up to a far away summer camp where I can take the baby with me and the three of us can get away
  • After camp move in with my parents in for the summer, my parents disliked him since the very first day they met him and he knew he would not be welcomed there
  • Take the rest of the summer to find a new job or re-start my company, save money and find a new apartment close to my son’s school
  • Find a new school in a new city for my son
  • Find a day-care for my daughter near my son’s school
  • Leave him for good

Implementing the plan

In May 2006, I signed my son to a violin camp in Pennsylvania, far enough to get away from him but close enough to my parents’ house.  I told him this would be a great opportunity for my son and I asked him to please come and visit us. Again, I had to act and pretend everything was fine so that he would not resist us leaving him and to him it was just for two weeks.

School ended in mid-June and violin camp started in the last week in June.  I made reservations at a small hotel only 10 min from camp where I would spend the next two weeks with my kids. He said he would come and visit us that first weekend so I asked my parents to come and stay over, this would prevent him from staying over. It worked out perfectly. My parents hated to see him but they knew I did not want to be alone with him.  He came and saw that everything was like I said and he left.

While my son was at camp, I spent time with my daughter in the pool and while she napped I was on my computer searching for jobs, apartments, schools and daycares.  While on one of my trips to the local mall, at Barnes and Noble I met a guy that was attractive, tall and fit.  Not your typical tall, dark and handsome, this one was sweet and kind we struck a casual conversation and he gave me his number.  Something struck me at that moment and I knew and felt that my life had been changed.  I did not give him my number but I called him (blocked my number) that night, we talked for hours and I found out he had a bad divorce years ago. With what I was going through we ended up having so much in common.  I have to credit this new “friend” for giving me the boost of confidence I needed to get past all that was coming.

My son’s camp ended and we drove straight to my parents’ house.  The sociopath and I got into an argument over the phone and I told him that I was not coming back and that it was best if we just stayed friends. I told him that the kids had enough of the verbal abuse and it was not a good environment for my kids.

Pleading again

He came over and talked to my father, again, crying and pleading with him to talk to me and that he wanted me to come “home.”  My dad told him it was best for us to be apart and my father even told him that he was welcomed to come and see his daughter anytime he wanted to. The sociopath agreed and left crying.

I refused to answer his calls and ignored his emails. So he started calling my dad and all of a sudden started to show interest in his daughter.  My dad said he only used his daughter as an excuse to see me.  Every time he told my dad he was coming to see the baby, my son and I would take off.  We went to the mall, to the movies, to the park, anywhere just to get away.

My dad heard the same words every time. “Is she here?” “Can I talk to her?” and my dad would tell him I was out.  “When is she coming back?” the sociopath would ask and my father would tell him to please leave me alone. He tried to get to my son and my father told him clearly that he was not his son and that he wanted him to stay away from his grandson.   He would spend only minutes with his daughter and she would cry and become irritated around him, so he would leave.

The sociopath continued to pursue me, harder and longer with more calls, more pleas, more emails, gifts, and flowers. He said he wanted to marry me, he even said he wanted us to go to couples’ therapy so that I could help him be a better person.  It was getting to the end of the summer and I needed to go back to pack up the house to move out, so I agreed to go to couples’ therapy with him.  In August 2006 we started seeing a therapist in NYC.  It helped to calm him down a bit.

At the end of the summer I told my parents that I was going back but not for long, I would go to check on the house, my belongings, the schools and to get ready to move out. They warned me that once back in his domain that he would not let me leave.  We had two really good weeks without any yelling, he played a sweet, attentive, charming man and I did not realize that this is exactly how he conned me in the first place. He continued with his manipulative ways that I had grown accustomed to, the lies, fake out pouring of love. I fell for it again, temporarily.  I cried and cried and then it hit me again, I need to go now before things get worse, I need to stick to the plan.

Moving out

He had a scheduled trip to some medical conference, “sure” like I believe that one. I went into his office and found out about more lies he had not confessed to.  I found that he was surfing the web for pornography, gore sites and chicks with dicks”¦awful. I ran to get tested for any STD’s he may have possible passed on to me but luckily I was clear. The same day I signed a lease to my new apartment and two days after he came back from his trip I asked my dad to come and help me with the move, he knew I did not want to be alone with the sociopath.

It was October 2, 2006 the sociopath tried to bribe the movers into telling him the address of where we were going, I had given them a fake address just in case. When I unpacked everything I noticed a lot of my things were missing. A blender that I received as a wedding gift was gone, my leather jacket was gone, a very expensive cashmere and fox fur trimmed cardigan was gone, my expensive rack of spices was gone, my daughter’s stroller, my daughter’s dresser was gone, music and”¦the list goes on.  Also, he left notes inside books and perfume bottles for me to read. He stole from me and from his own daughter.  Am I surprised? No ”¦ this is so expected. Classic sociopath.

Lies and more lies

I received more calls, more pleas, he called my cousins, my friends, my ex-husband, my parents, he called my ex-boyfriend and said he wanted to help me, that I was the one in trouble and that only he could “help” me.  He concocted more lies to try and get information about me. He concocted lies about my past, lies about my childhood about things that never happened and began to spin stories around.

I told everyone the truth and that he was an abusive sociopath and that I finally left him and this was his revenge.  No one paid him any attention so he continued to call me and in one call he would cry and said he would end his life if I did not come back to him and the next call he would insult me in ways I have never heard before.  I saved his messages so that the truth is safe and those who need to know will know about his horrific lies.  He would say I am sorry I lied, I am sorry for all the things I said and all the things I did to you and the kids and in the next call he would call me a cancer in his life and good riddance.  Sick, what a sick puppy!  He said he was not angry because I dumped him but he was angry because he screwed a life he loved. The truth is he is angry because he got dumped!!

I am glad I did not marry him but having him as a boyfriend and father of my daughter was terrible enough.  I will always be the one that got away and he will live with that for the rest of his life.  It was not easy to get away.  In order to get the calls and emails to stop I had to get a restraining order and later on, after he stalked us and showed up at my son’s school, we got a full stay away order. He was arrested twice for threatening me and for showing up at my doorstep.  We moved out of that apartment and I had to switch my son to a new school.

Always a sociopath

His wrath is not over. Since there is an order of protection in effect, through the courts he requested visitations of his daughter and after three years in court ordered parenting classes and supervised visits he now sees her on the average once a month.  We have no contact with him, we communicate via court assigned email solely regarding the visits, other than that he is to have no contact whatsoever with my son, my daughter, and me.

Although, she is a bright and happy child being raised in a loving home I keep close guard on her because she is only 5 years old and exposing her to a sociopath even for one day a month can have bad effects on her development and well being. She is 5 and in trauma counseling because of what she experiences during visits with her father. From what I’ve heard the sociopath is now married with a 2 month-old baby and he has a girlfriend on the side (”¦more victims) and I’ve heard that his home life is full of yelling and insults. Nothing will ever change him, once a sociopath always a sociopath.   Beware of the signs!!!

Ladies don’t be discouraged not all men are sociopaths, but some of them are, beware of the signs and move on. Keep in mind that you will never change him and even psychologists will confirm that there is no cure for this mental disease.  Find Mr. Right, he is out there. I did and I am happily married to a beautiful man, both inside and out.  My kids adore him and call him daddy!  I got my life back and I thank God everyday for the beautiful life I have again after the horrific time I had with a sociopath.


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54 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: How I got away from the sociopath"

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Dear Lia,

thanks so much for sharing your story with LF readers. I am glad also that it alsoo has a “happy ending” and that you are now in a healthy relationship.

Just by reading your story, and the way you tell it, I can know that there must have been some very painful times in there with self doubt and fear, but you have obviously overcome these. Congratulations!!!!! and again, Welcome to LF!God bless.

Funny same M.O! Profession of love–so overt! So ridiculous! I got to watch myself I never fall for this kind of crap EVER again! And I just could kick myself. I fall for nice all the time. Sad really.
Don’t get me wrong (Lai) but I thank g-d I didn’t have a child with anyone of my sicko’s. I just want to be left alone.

Thank you for your comments…If only I had known then what I know now none of it would have happened. The irony is that since I was raised in a loving, “normal” home environment without any divorces or traumas I grew up sheltered from these types of people. I would only hear about these men in movies or on the news, they never seemed real or that it could happen to me. Awareness is key and information essential for the well being and future of my kids and also for all the potential victims out there. We need to continue the conversation so that there are no more victims left to suffer at the hands of these types.

Great that you got free! So good for you that you had parents that helped/stood by you. Most of the time, the p erodes our support to the point we are alone.
I married two of these P’s. The first one, my parents helped me greatly. The second one: parents dead/nobody left but my adult kids, of which, only one stood by me.

It’s so important to get free before the P cuts your support system from under you…then you are stuck far longer than you choose to be.

I am happy for you, a good ending to a horrific involvement with a sociopath. Last summer, after being married 14 years, my “eyes were opened” to my husband’s true character. Devastating, disturbing experiences that I’ve had. I started going to see a therapist (for the first time in my life) due to the constant craziness I was living with, being ready for a nervous breakdown. I continued on, still having a hard time recovering from the trauma, figuring out on my own that I was married to a sociopath. My husband left me at the start of September (I’m not sorry about this reality) and I have been dealing with an array of emotions. We have three children (which he is happy to help take care of), me being the one who is mistreated because I “worry him too much.” My world exploded and I am very disappointed and angry with the person that he actually is, being clueless beforehand that these people actually exist, still wrapping my mind around this fact. I wonder if I will ever recover from the awful experiences that I have endured due to this man. My husband is a sneaky, deceptive man who comes across as a good guy – charming, friendly, and helpful. All I know is that I am trying to get through this time of my life, being heartbroken, still in shock from things that I have learned about him.

Dear Bluejay,

Welcome here and believe it or not, the BEST thing he ever did for you is to LEAVE YOU!

Have as little to do with him as possible, and avoid face to face as much as possible, e mail him about visitation or whatever, keep it business, and deal with him through your attorney. He will try most likely to skin you in the settlement, so don’t expect him to be “reasonable” but if he is, great, but don’t expect anything from him but lies, so if he is truthful, that will be a BIG SUPRISE.

Keep coming here and read and read and READ and get the books recommended here, “In sheep’s clothing” “witout conscience” the “sociopath next door” and all the older archived articles. It will be a lot to absorb while you are still raw, but concentrate on yourself and your kids and have as little to do with him as possible. It will help you heal. As close to NO contact as possible. don’t argue with him, let your attorney handle that. God bless and good luck. This is a very ehlpful support group here, more than “just a blog.”

Dear OxDrover,

I have been aware of this web site for a few months or so, already having found it helpful, reading many articles, confirming to me that I am dealing with a sociopath. When I have met with my therapist, I have told him that I am saturated with suffering – I can’t take any more. It was embarrassing to meet with an attorney, disclosing some of the horrible experiences that my husband has put me through. Anyway, after he left me, I talked to his oldest sister and found out more information regarding his childhood, causing me to wonder if his own father was a sociopath. She was aware that he would lie from time to time, thinking that he would change. I stated that I wish someone had warned me about him because I wouldn’t have married him, sparing myself and others (my own family members and my children) a lot of heartache. I can cry at the drop of a hat, amazed at the stuff that he is capable of. This man is financially irresponsible, another disappointing fact about him. What I find unnerving is the pathological lying (this is mind boggling), making up outright lies and having no remorse about it. Unbelievable! I am a Christian who has been blown away by my experiences, no longer assuming anything about anyone, having learned the hard way that there are people (who you should be able to trust, like a spouse) who are untrustworthy. I just hope that I can recover without losing it, still being on shaky ground.

Dear Bluejay,

Not knowing how much of my posts you have read, so won’t go into a lot of detail,, but believe me I know what you mean about finding out people that you THOUGHT you could trust, who tried to appear like “Christians” and are NOT very Christ-like is compunding the problem. My faith was shaken, but in the end, strengthened by the fact that I saw things in the Bible that I had never seen before, and saw them in a new light.

The Bible does not tell us that “forgiveness” is the same as BEING STUPID, and sitting still while someone mistreats or abuses us, it is getting the bitterness out of our hearts, a big enough job as it is, but TRUSTING the UN-trustworthy is not part of the deal.

Look at the story of Joseph, he had forgiven his brothers in his time in Egypt but when they showed up, the DID NOT TRUST THEM juntil he had TESTED them pretty solidly to see what kind of men they had turned out to be.

I’m not sure the WHY we get these events in our lives, but I TRUST that God will turn them to our good if we love Him. “All things work together for Good to those that love the Lord.”

We have to watch how people ACT not what they say. My own maternal DNA unit claims to be a “christian” but she lies, she punishes, she abuses, so I finally realized that the YOKE she puts on others somehow doesn’t apply to herself, she thinks. Like the hypocrits and Pharisees that Jesus confronted, they don’t want to acknowledge their EVIL hearts, so they “crucify” us and smear us. In the end, though, I think it WILL turn out to be for my benefit. I am learning patience (slowly, but learning it!) and other things that I should have learned a long time ago. Keep on praying that whatever happens God will turn it to your benefit.

Glad you are here and glad you are learning. The SHAME is, or should be HIS, not yours! That was a lesson I also had to learn and it was a difficult one. We have to realize that even if the whole world is against us, we can still not let them convince us that EVIL is good. Hang on! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!

Hi
I found this particular thread looking for the other one that I was posting on….
I have been about 3 weeks no NC and plan to stay that way at all costs.
I felt really empowered about a week after a week, happy that I finally ended it with the monster.
But, today I had a bad day…I was upset after I read the book I got Women Who Love Psychopaths.
I think it brought up alot of stuff about myself…which helped me to understand why I was attracted to them…etc.. and I started to get angry again.
I know its normal..to vacillate between “stages”…but I don’t like feeling this way.
I was just mad about the whole thing…HIM being what he is..and ME not ending it sooner..or staying clear of him from the start.
I know that the PAST is the PAST….but I NEED to feel better to raise my children properly.
This morning my 15 yr old daughter was upset..and I know its because her S father is totally ignoring her and not paying support…etc..
The whole thing is a mess. All because I wasn’t aware of what I was getting into with these guys.

I guess it was meant for me to meet the xb/f monster 2 yrs ago…to get over and understand the Xhusb monster and finally heal from it.

The emotional impact is sometimes so hard to deal with.

I am going to a meditation class tonite…hopefully it will help me to feel some PEACE.

I have to deal with these feelings and thoughts about the mess I got into…

I don’t want to keep it lingering…and I don’t want to feel “damaged” from these relationships with DAMAGED people.

God help all of us who have had to endure such pain!

2B

God Will Help US. That’s what he does.
Your post here is so right on for me this afternoon.

It is just that.

I was just having a dialog with my mother over asking what the hell it takes to get one generation out of the mire in this genepool referring to my far away son who is living with the N dad.

The roots of this tree are deep. Have you ever walked on Ginko leaves in the fall and noticed how bad they smell?

The intergenerational links for all of this make me very angry because it feels like I am the ONLY one who asks the questions about why it has to be so and what needs to be done.

The last SPATH? Lost in the noise today. Although, after having done so, I would Reccomend Steve Becker to anyone!

Its a topic I have in mind to take up with him. Maybe it would be a good idea for a blog? Who knows where it goes from there.

OMMMMM

Your post “is there” for me today and that, is the way I think HE works to help us.

OMMMMMM
Lator Gator

silvermoon:

I did email him today since I don’t live that far from him..maybe an hour. Hoping he takes my insurance!

I just don’t want to have these setbacks. I was feeling like I am working on myself…really happy that I ended it with him..but then…POOF….I started THINKING about it all..him, the xhusb and all of the damage it causes…then I got DOWN>

I am forcing myself to go tonite.

I think its going to take CONSTANT changing the perspective I have on it all….and it was working…but once I read the book..and realized how SEVERELY damaged they are…the brain and all…I got angry at MYSELF again.

And…I understand why I had him in my life at the time…so I KNOW I have to keep working on ME.

I am home on disability and I want to be a hermit…which isn’t good. I am going to have to force myself to GET OUT.

Hope we feel better tomorrow.

HUGS

Going to listen to Leona Lewis now…”Happy”

Somehow its how I feel….sad..but ready to move on..

It took me 4 times of leaving to finally get away, and then I had to leave all but two suitcases of my stuff behind.

I know they are Mentally Ill….and they don’t think like we do AT ALL…and they can’t FEEL like we do….
But, then why do I have this urge to tell him off tonite?
Its a waste of time and I wouldn’t ever even talk to him or give him the HONOR of hearing my voice……but,
I just read about how sneaky they really are and all of the things they do behind your back…and I get so upset that I didn’t keep tabs on him. I trusted his WORDS>..and this is what I am upset about…I actually get an adrenaline rush when I think about it..
I better stop THINKING about it…UGH!

Lorettab:

It took me MANY times. After one month…then after 3 months …then 3months later…then 3 months later…WOW..just realized that it was a pattern! Finally I ended it for 3 months ..NC! Then I got sucked back in…and 3 months later…I ENDED IT FOR GOOD> that was 3 weeks ago!! (two years of the insanity)
Maybe I should play that number UGH!

I guess there’s alot of COLD HEARTED SNAKES out there…another empowering song!

Dear 2B,

It starts out about them and ends up being about US, and yes, anger at yourself is a big thing we have to get over, and it was a big hurdle for me. I wrote an article on FORGIVING YOURSELF FOR BEING HUMAN google it up and read it, it helps explain how I got through that tough part and started working oon NOT BEATING MYSELF UP. ((((hugs)))))

wow…theres alot of them on google..which one is yours?

Going to my meditation class…first one…be back later
Thank you all!!

To be, I hope you work really hard on yourself because you need to be very strong by the time 9 more weeks goes by…that will be your 3 month mark. It does seem to be a cycle, so get strong and be ready……:)

Kim.
your comment answers a question that came to my mind about how the cycle goes. I just don’t have the sense that there is a straight line out of this….

Of all the things you’ve done, what have been the strategies that worked the best for you?

Dear OxDrover,

Thanks for your advice. I’ll read some of the books that you suggested. I wasn’t fully aware of my husband’s true colors until the past year, being forced by way of circumstances (created by him) to acknowledge some awful truths – he is a liar and a thief, exhibiting many of the sociopathic traits (that I’ve read about). I am learning about a disorder that I don’t want to know about, experience, but because I have a sociopath in my life, I have to educate myself for my own sake and my children’s sake. God bless you!

Ok..home now.

WOW, Kim, the million dollar question!!!

Well, my thing is getting into “obsessive thinking”….and reading the Women Who Love Psychopath book really made me THINK and then I FELT….down down down…
I was doing great…but it made me realize WHAT attracted me to the monster…and what in ME made me stay…and how HE got me to stay…..and how “I” fell for it, over and over…and it made me realize that alot of it was “physically” based…meaning —the chemical feeling I got from all of his manipulations…ie: “I love you” texts…., was addicting …like a drug!!!
Well, what WAS working before today…was MIND CONTROL.

Everytime I acknowledged that I was thinking about him again…I would SWITCH my thoughts. First I would analyze the thought (Byron Katie) and after that the thought would leave and I’d feel better.

Once the thought was out..I would REPLACE it with VISIONS of me …how I WANT to be. Exercising, smiling, taking classes, getting thinner, having good friends..having a “normal” man…..sortof like a pleasant daydream.

What you THINK about you WILL get..you will manifest it..
So, I forgot about the trauma and looked FORWARD.

THIS TAKES CONSTANT WORK….you have to make a conscious effort and talk to yourself…..

I would tell myself..”I”M happy” and I’d blare that Leona Lewis song over and over until I brainwashed myself to feel HAPPY!

I figure it this way…If HE could brainwash me that he loved me so much….I could brainwash myself the same way.

Anyway, thats what I did to keep me from sinking into the anger and depression feelings.

I have to KEEP doing it. I don’t want anymore days like today.

I have to keep REFOCUSING!

OK…just checked my cell.
WHILE I was in this new meditation class…we went into a guided meditation and then for 8 minutes we just sat meditating in silence.

I heard my cell vibrate. GUESS WHO FRIGGIN TEXTED ME???

Its been 3 weeks!!!

He said..”When you get a chance please call me”
and then…11 minutes later…
” It’s about my bank card”

???????????HUH????????

The first thing that came to my mind, is that he will be blaming me for using his card??? (I have the number and he used to let me use it to pay for things and I would pay him back)

Then, I felt like it never ended and had a feeling to text him back…what about it.

THEN ….reality hit me. He is just trying to SUCK me back in.

I will NOT reply. I have NOTHING to do with his card…its just an excuse to talk to me.

THREE weeks!!! What did I just say in my earlier post about the 3 thing???? omg

Dear 2B,

GOOD FOR YOU!!! NC, NC, NC FOREVER!!!!!!

tobehappy:I am SO not surprised that you got a text. Anything he says is him just trying to suck you back in. Don’t let him for anything. I am envious of you after 3 weeks to be doing as well as you are. I hate the fact that it’s been ten months for me and I still feel shock sometimes and the PTSD is driving me crazy. I would love to go one day without a trigger and that burst of anxiety that goes with it. How was the end of the book? My payday is Friday and I will order it and maybe more.
One of the young doctors that I work with gave me a little faith that there are nice guys without alterior motives. He lives near me with his wife and kids. He asked if I knew about the parade on Sunday and that all the streets would be closed down in our neighborhood for a long time. He said to make sure that I do any driving places early in the day and get home so I wouldn’t get stuck and warned me that people will take lots of parking. He remembered that I moved by him and wanted to warn me. He is a nice guy and a good doctor and doesn’t seem to have any kind of ego problems. It’s nice to talk to a guy without feeling that they want something from you. I think I’m going to download your Leona Lewis song this weekend and some other ones that will kick my spirits up. Christina Aguilera and Pink have some empowerment songs too-especially if I’m going to be hitting the gym.

One of my facebook friends that I sang in choir with in high school wrote to me today that she had been married to an abusive sociopath for 16 years and had kids with him and is progressing better than me in the process. I was so excited when I threw all of the ex’s belongs in the trash that I posted it on facebook to congratulate myself. Some old and new friends sent lots of positive comments my way. I think about that to keep me focused after having a big trigger moment at work today! Watching SVU-my hero is Olivia Benson-the fighter of sociopaths and evil.

Well Erin….I went NC this past summer and I was a mess. I found him on dating sites and he denied being on them..Hello!!!! It was in BLACK and WHITE!!

So, I sat on my deck, kids running about..talking to my neighbor/psuedo mom…all day…with my laptop…staring at the lake….listening to the kids on the beach. Then I would force myself to hop on my bike and ride over to the beach…(other side of the lake) and hang out in the water with my girls. They KNEW I was sad and upset.

I journaled everyday…when I awoke. I didn’t want to do much…everything forced. I did hunt down my Xhusb and he was locked up (socio also) and had to pay me back support and then he moved to another state to avoid paying anymore.

So, anyway…at the 3 month mark…when he heard I was not returning to work….where he works too….his “plan” to “wait until I see him at work…” so that he could seduce me again….well…..it wasn’t going to happen. I COULDN”T even go back there…where we worked closely!!!

So, here I was with 3 kids to support and too much anxiety to go back to work!! I didn’t even care….I knew I’d find a way to support them…

Anyway…he wrote me the sob letter of all letters…NC
He sent me money orders for 100. each….NC

Then, a few weeks later…I was driving past where we worked and wondering if he was thinking of me (obsessively as I was him) and he texted me that minute!!!! He said…”I know you are thinking about me”

OMG!!!! I caved and texted him back. Then we texted the entire day..the next day..I wouldn’t even TALK to him.

Finally, he called me and that night we talked and he came over in the morning JUST to talk. I was SUCKED right back in!!!

From Oct. to Feb 1st…..when I finally dumped him.

He got mad and told me that since I wouldn’t talk to him for 10 days..he moved back into his house which he supposedly rented to his X g/f that he owed money to!!!

I went on Public Records and found out that he owns the damn house WITH her.

I ended it IMMEDIATELY.

Then I had a breakdown…breakthrough.

So, from then, Feb.27th…I am doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to GO FORWARD and NOT LOOK BACK!!!

The book set me back. The part that bothered me is how they have multiple sex partners…and some even have group sex and I GOT SICK!!!

I really thought that he was only with ME sexually…even if he was interested in meeting women…I thought maybe he went on a date here and there behind my back…(thought this afterwards..) and then when I read how perverted they are, I got ANGRY….I could have gotten a disease! I had an aids test in the summer…but now I need another one!!!!

I think that this is the part I am angry at!!!
HOW DARE YOU TAKE A CHANCE ON “MY” LIFE!!!!
I have 3 kids to raise! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I was in a funk today!!!

But, I am going to get back on my OWN track again..

Make believe he died. BURY THE DEAD AND MOVE ON!!!

Oh, another thing…

They say that the closer you get to God, the harder the devil tries to get in….
Well, when I was meditating…I decided to use the word GOD as my mantra…..
Then I heard my cell vibrate in my purse…
I had an anxiety reaction when I heard it.
Heartbeat fast…hot flash….adreneline rush..

I didn’t think it was important..so I kept on focusing on my meditation. But, it DID bother me.

When I got home and saw who it was…OMG…I was getting so close to that GOD feeling…inner peace…relaxing..

And SATAN was trying to get in!!!

Thats why all of us on here…really compassionate “godllike” people…good hearted…get attacked by the devil….

Food for thought…

I don’t know if I can read the book then-I was triggered at work today due to being in on a procedure for erectile dysfunction and I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I started to get afraid that he would hear about the procedure because he couldn’t get it up with the ugly woman. All I could think about was what if he came to have the procedure? What if I had to see him before I was ready? What if I have to take care of him and how can I get out of it? Total PTSD. I’m sick of this! Then I started believing everything the wife said about him screwing around behind my back. I take sex so seriously and I am not wired to do it casually. It is only reserved for someone I truly love. I feel sick to my stomach and disgusting and gross thinking about him cheating on me. But if he cheated on HER so many times, why NOT do it to me too- he promised after we got together that he would never EVER have sex with anyone but me ever again. We were together a month before we had sex. We both wanted to sooner, but I wasn’t ready and he said that he would wait for me as long as he had to because I was worth it. It pains me SO bad to think that he may have cheated. For so long, I thought that it was just her trying to get back at me for being with him. I never would have dreamed in a million years that he would have done it because he promised he wouldn’t. Even when he had admitted to telling her mean things about me that weren’t true, he adamantly denied being unfaithful and for a long time I believed him. We never used protection when we had sex because neither one of us had ANY plans to ever sleep with anyone else; I hadn’t been with anyone for three years and he hadn’t had sex with his wife for over 6 years. He went on a trauma conference in Colorado for a week last February and he said that he couldn’t take me-what if he slept with someone? I feel so dirty and violated. Should I get tested for STDs-I have no symptoms of anything. I just feel so horrible about it. I would almost feel better if I had caught him cheating-then I wouldn’t be feeling this. I feel bad right now-I can’t believe I’m crying again. I wish I could go just one day without some kind of trigger.

Erin…you are NOT ACCEPTING the fact that you were involved with a SERIOUSLY disordered man!!!!

STOP thinking about the “good” things in the relationship..the words!

THEY ARE ALL LIES!!! These monsters CANNOT bond and they are pathological!!!

As I’m writing this , my own xmonster is ringing my phone!!!

I will NEVER talk to him again!

WHY? Because I have NO USE for him anymore.

EVERYTHING IS A LIE ERIN!!!

Maybe you SHOULD read that book!

It would CONVINCE you and VALIDATE that HE IS DISORDERED.

And, they will only HURT you.

STOP thinking of the LIES!!!!

You keep going over the whole thing…trying to piece the puzzle together. And, its useless because you will NEVER know what he was up to!

And, ITS DONE…he is what he is…

Mine could come to my door with a billion dollars and I would SLAM the door in his face!

THEY ARE DEVILS and unfortunatley we fell for the WOLVES IN SHEEP CLOTHING!

Its okay to cry because its part of the grieving …but do NOT get stuck here!!!

You should get tested for STD’s. Its your LIFE this creep was playing with and it was so WRONG.

But, whats done is done…

Is there a therapist in your area that you could see?

When my xhusb monster first left for a stripper…I saw my therapist 3 times a week!!!

We cannot do this alone. You need to get help now, Erin.

You need support.

They promise us the world …and they are all about THEM. They don’t care…they have NO CONSCIENCE!!!!!

Deep cleansing breaths and think of what a beautiful woman you are ….and you WILL find a normal man someday!

When you repel SATAN…all good things start coming in.

PRAY PRAY PRAY…there IS a God…..turn it all over to a “higher power” and say….”I surrender..help me”

IMMEDIATELY you will feel better…

Dear tobehappy,

Your words were helpful to me this morning, having started to feel panicky. I have to remind myself that I am working, earning a living, doing what I can to take care of myself and my children, that I can’t depend on my husband, so don’t allow my mental peace to be shot by worries. I’m doing deep cleansing breaths (a friend telling me last week to do this whenever I feel stressed) and turning it all over to God, that’s what I needed to be told to do. Thanks. I have a busy day today and I will enjoy the day, trying to believe for a better, good future.

It helped me a lot to talk to a therapist.
The first thing that he was able to do is help me confirm that I made a bad choice for a life partner and that it would not matter if the stores were true or not because the behavior was so very wrong.

It helps to hear someone else say you aren’t crazy to recognize it.

Because its hard not to try and bargain for the fantasy- for the love you thought you had. When it turns out to be something else.

It helps to be validated for being fooled by a pro – My family now thinks I’m the one who is damaged. Today its hard to not be inclined to behave like a gun turret because of the anger that has come up for a lifelong situation.

Its all there in the history. Generations of it.

The SPATH was attractive because of that you and me against the world thing. I was looking for a hero. I didn’t understand what one would cost. Everything has its price and that not always in dollars.

I wish there was more I could do to protect my son and that the family relationships for him that would help him because he’s living with an N and I can’t support him right now to help him get out of that situation. After all I read, I have this big sinking feeling about that situation far away and a lot of guilt for letting him go and then getting into the situation I did.

The breathing works, meditation helps. And reading more and more and more is good.

One day, I;m going to look back as others have here and see how far I’ve travelled. Its going to be a good day and I look forward to seeing us all who walk this path there too on such a rewarding occasion.

I review the past, getting depressed and discouraged, wishing that I had been wiser, smarter, not so trusting, more “street smart”, realizing things sooner, not being so kind-hearted. I’ve paid a huge price and have regrets, especially with children involved. I have a hard time being civil around my husband. He wants me to speak respectfully toward him (especially in front of the kids), but I have lost all respect for him. The man just creates problems for us, some I’ve had to resolve (still trying to do so, especially the financial headaches) alone, with the help of my family members. I would love to go back to the past and redo things, but that isn’t possible. I would like to one day be a positive person, but too often I’m negative. He doesn’t seem to understand how destructive he is, the harm he has caused me, irreparable damage. I am glad we’re separated because being married to him was too much of an emotional roller-coaster.

If all we can do is measure the progress we’ve made to get from whatever the past is to here. it is worthwhile because it is progress- no?

And we reprocess everything we know in light of new information because what we are learning is reshaping what we thought we knew.

Some parts of it don’t feel god right now, but there can be peace found in being present in this moment, being real when new understanding comes to me.

I wonder what it matters to wish I had known then?
I feel sad now.
I feel angry about what happened and I want to blame my parents for the years of abuse within the family, my first husband the N who made me sick and crazy for 15 years, for the P business guy who stole the business that was going to save me and my son and now for this asshole.

But, I’ve been taking in a lot of new information and the smart thing seems to be, give myself time to process and trust the process. Keep support close at hand, pay the lawyer’s bills on time and get a therapist to work with me on how to take the next steps in crawling out from under this lead blanket.

I feel the fear, the pain ad the anger breaking over me in waves and understand it is the process. I let it sink in to the information I didn’t know I didn’t know.

The process augers through me a new understanding of the world free of burdens long carried through life and I know the auger is not endless if I allow it to do its job.

Somethimes I wonder if it isn’t true that it costs everything to have faith but the promise of the return on that investment is the greatest of all.

So there are mornings like this one where I will pay the phone bill with one hand and hang on to the planet by my fingernails with the other.

One day, One step at a time……

Silvermoon,

I just talked to my husband via the cell phone. I have to work this afternoon and I’m angry, having blown up at him. I don’t know any other woman who has endured the crap that I have (except others who blog here, feeling compassion for us all). I have to calm myself down. My husband was a partner in a successful lawn care business years ago, then he decided that he wanted to be on his own. I tried to discourage him from taking this step, being uneasy at the time concerning his decison. Of course, he didn’t listen to me. Looking back, I think my gut was telling me that it would be a huge mistake and it was. Anyway, we moved (in 2003) and thus life went totally downhill, red flags popping up, living with knots in my stomach daily, etc. I learned exactly how he was mentally, just from what I experienced. He was never physically abusive, emotionally, yes. I was thinking like a normal person, assuming that he was normal too, then having crazy stuff happening, being zombie-like for a time, not getting that he wasn’t normal. That’s water under the bridge. At least today, I know what kind of a person I’m dealing with, that it doesn’t help to argue with him because he doesn’t “get it,” what the h_ll I’m trying to get across to him.

BJ,

I can’t tell you what to do because its up to you.

I will tell you that when I had to make a similar decision I was working with a therapist.

On my own I found the book FOUR Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In the back of it, there is what Don Miguel calls the Angel Of Death test. It is when you ask yourself: If I only had two weeks to live, what would I need to do before I die to leave the world in peace?

Well, I asked myself those questions and I did what I thought I needed to.

It wasn’t easy. Yeah, I was scared. And I did it anyway.
I keep doing it.

Just because you set out with determination to change your life doesn’t mean it will all be perfect, but
If you don’t, what’s its going to be like?

Well, that was my approach any way.
Breathe. Breathe, Breathe.

Bluejay..

You need to learn new STRATEGIES on how to deal with these monsters!
Read EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. It tells you how to NOT react when you have to deal with them. It tells you to even say, “Let me think about that..” You are entitled to TIME to think before you speak. Because, if you get and show anger..THEY WON!!!

Its like a child. …..disciplining them. Once they get YOU mad…even if they get punished…they WON.

If you have to deal with this man still..in your life…you MUST learn HOW.

When my xhusb was trying to be in our childrens lives, he would call me…and in a matter of One little minute…say something that would throw me off for WEEKS!!!

Eventually I learned how to deal with him, from that book, and he would end up angry, screaming at me, and hang up..while I was CALM.

Because with these monsters…they always WIN when they “get to you”.

Its so necessary for you to have the SKILLS to deal with them.

Just like NO CONTACT is the best someone like me can do…if you need to deal with them….you have to learn how.

Hope this helped because I KNOW the awful feeling.

erin, BJ, Silver, tobe…(((hugs)))

Everyone here (((hugs))))
I just needed to do that for you.
That is all I have for you today, stick together, read, learn…

I love that…learning what we didn’t know we didn’t know.

The Four Agreements is good for some guidence, I am going to listen to that again since I HAVE that here.

TRUTH

Dear ERIN-B

I lost the thread about the “check”—so I will post my reply here—I do NOT doubt that the creep is up to SOMETHING. Your P-dar is too good for there NOT to be. Just like my egg donor not responding to my e mail request for the phone number of the business I needed to know, SHE IS UP TO SOMETHING. I know it. Not sure if she was trying to get me to call her or what. So my P-dar on that is a STRONG SIGNAL.

Your assessment of the situation is probably right on, veerrrrry interesting! Yea, we could really have a big party on the $300 a month he pays. LOL

The paranoia doesn’t mean that there is “no one out to get us” in cases with the P it means you are “atuned to your environment” just as the rabbit listens to the birds to tell it when there is a fox in the neighborhood. We will always be prey to them and they willl always be predator to us.

What we do have to do though, is to NOT live in constant fear and terror, but with DUE CAUTION. It is getting easier on me to not go into “terror mode” when I hear the change in the “bird’s calls” and I know that there is something new going on in the predatory stalking.

I can’t and I don’t think any of us can ignore our gut senses at anything besides our own peril. Terror over whelms me, and caution doesn’t over whelm me and make me act before I think. CAUTION and AWARENESS are the words to live by! (((Hugs)))

Oxy-
“just as the rabbit listens to the birds to tell it when there is a fox in the neighborhood. ”

I LOVE that….

I liken being vigilant to being aware…..decoding the clues….

Last night….I was looking at the check…..and I noticed the address….the account was recently opened in late 09….and under the B’s name only….AND very interestingly…..at a different address than the home he shares with his wife.

I said to wife….back on my last conversation with her….we spoke about her baing upset with hubbys’ family and the S…..she supported the S and alientated our kids completely….
She always had a good relationship with my kids….always called, sent valentines, easter,b-day etc…..made a big effort with the kids and two of the kids sought her out via calling her regularly etc….had their own relaionship with her…
Anyways….she was very judgemental to me and asked me why I ‘faked being sick’…I was disgusted by this…but took the opportunity to tell her the truth and just how sick I was and the abuse and control and why no one in the family called to support the kids during this time…. She also went into how could I keep the kids from their father….I asked her if he happened to share the fact he took them to a drug house for a week and how that went down………and I asked her…..has she spoken to the kids….she said no….I said….why don’t you get it right from the horses mouth, before you alienate them…..hear what they have lived,endured, feel…..right from them….not me…..and why would she buy into crap he’s spoken…..she’s been a target of his attacks for years…..he was brutal to her…..
I just cautioned her…..I said….he has a habit of breaking up relationships….YOUR”S IS NEXT…..She chose to luvy up to her the S BIL….take the risk…..and I heard it bit her in the ass…..which consequently wreaked havoc in their marriage….the S…her BIL….needed his, ever so ‘faithful’ bro to ‘believe’ him and stand behind ‘blood’. It’s only one way with him….they both know it! It’s up to them what/how they want to do….

I bet they are separated……
Either that….or BIL got this secret account that she doesn’t know about to launder drug money with brother….
But….either way….I guarentee you she doesnt’ know about this account!!!

Anyways…..I will wait to see what comes from this….I’m not ‘fearful’….I’m aware….I’m NOT afraid of him, because I know…..whatever he does…..I will have him arrested if it;s illegal or abusive to me or the kids….I will use the law….until the end.

Thanks OXY…..in the meantime….I’ll play rabbit in the fields…..listening to the birdsongs!

Dear ErinB,

Sounds like the BIRDS ARE CHIRPING in your neighborhood!

I wonder if your X-SIL might need some information? You might cautiously check out what is going on and if she needs and wants any help, extend a hand to her. It is obvious too that she is just another VICTIM that is a DUPE of your X as well.

She might turn out to be a “friend” of yours—“anyone who hates my enemies is my friend” (Not necessarily, because sometimes they get sucked back in, so watch what you tell her)

INFORMATION is POWER as well as Knowledge being power. So she might be a source of information for you. I hate playin these freaking “drama” games with them….and always being atuned to what is “blowing in the wind” and it would be nicer to just RELAX and feel SAFE, but can’t always do that.

Yeah….the birds are a chirping….even in a snow storm….

Today, I had a thought….I’m wondering if he’s in jail….He sure wouldn’t want me to get wind of that….AT ALL!!! Cuz he knows I’d talk…..and at very least….he knows everything I said during the divorce WAS TRUE!!!! I know It…..He knows It……so when the cops or feds know it…..he sure wouldn’t want me to be around for that I TOLD YA SO!!!!
This could be another reason why the bro paid the support…..just keep her shut up….don’t give her any reason to come a looken!

The ex SIL….my first inclination is to ROCK HER WORLD!!!
The STUPID BITCH!
But….through all my lessons I’ve learned recently….I’ll sit on it…..and something will tell me either to shut up and keep the documentation for another time if needed, or when and how to ‘strike’…..if needed.
I would never trust her with a 10 foot pole…..but I know your point about keeping your enemies close…..I also know if I called her….and things weren’t well….she’d UNLOAD on me….she can’t keep her mouth shut….I’d hear it all….especially if Icaught her on a bad day!
She was the one who wrote letters to the judge on his behalf…..because everyone in his family is basically illiterate…..she has a bit of a brain, was a secretary and certainly can write a 3 page letter if need be…..Not EVEN having the facts……it was pretty hilarious….especially since she even signed it for him….and it was sent to a JUDGE!!!
I pointed this out to the judge…..
it was a letter in leu of appearing (TPO Case)….as if that was good enough….cuz he’s the king….these peeps are idiots….
One paragraph was dedicated to me no longer being a “JONES” (last name)…..and how the court docs were misfiled and should be “SMITH”…..my ‘NEW’ legal name….
WTF??? It really agravates the shit out em me still using my married name….it showed in that letter to judge, and also with the bro using my maiden for mailing the check but the married for the actual check……Kinda cracks me up…..

I’ll just sit on it a bit…..and let my mind work the way it does…..I tend to have things….come to me…then am able to put the pieces in place….

I want all the info and knowledge I can get!!! This is just WHO I am!!!

CHIRP CHIRP….they are singing the swan song….

ErinB,

I have a Tee shirt (huge one for “sleeping in”) that says “I am THE Biatch, and that is MS Biatch, to YOU!”

I also used to have one (my all time favorite) that showed two buzzards on a limb and one says to the other “Patience my arse, I want to KILL something!” LOL

Yea, learning patience and self restraint (put a sock in your mouth!) is a big part of all this and I flunked that class a bunch of times, I paid a HIGH PRICE every time I did too! LOL

Well, the torandoes and storms are over now, and we missed the bullet again this time, but a few places in the state apparently didn’t.

Think I will look over the rest of the posts then go to bed pretty soon. Chrip chirp!

The bunnies can rest…..the birds are currently silent.

AND BTW….I’d be wearing that T-shirt PROUDLY in town!!

🙂
Nighty night.

Erin, the whipo’orwills haven’t started calling at night yet, but my parrot does a great immitation!

Nite!

I have the day free today, so my plan is to go to the library and gather up some of the books that have been recommended, buying them if I have to from a book store. Having limited contact with my husband is the way to go. Due to some of these financial headaches that he has brought into my life, I get shaky, panicky, a friend telling me last week about deep breathing, and my therapist showing me how to do an imaging exercise to calm me down when I feel overwhelmed, like I want to crash. I try not to say too much to my friends about my situation, having already been dropped by a friend (a psychotherapist) who I’ve known for years. When I was experiencing some crazy stuff, sometimes calling her frantic, she would try and help. She was an expert (or so I thought) and looking back, I think since she was the one who would have known more about psychologically impaired people, thinking that she could have been more helpful. After she called me one morning, telling me that she drops people ( because “that’s what I do”), I was dumbfounded, a psychotherapist doing this! When I told my therapist about this jarring event, he told me that sometimes the counselors are the most screwed up. Since I’ve been dumped by someone I thought I could trust, I hesitate to confide too much in my current friends, fearing more rejection, knowing that my existence (one that I find is too hard, unbearable at times) is probably too bizarre sounding. I live on high alert which is stressful.

Dear Bluejay,

The recommended books are really insightful and helpful. And LF is always a place you can turn to for support and to vent and to seek wonderful advice. Sometimes our friends who havent experienced what we have, just cant relate or grasp the depth of the confusion and chaos and aftermath.

Nothing is too bizarre sounding here…it is a healing place. And whenever you feel that your existence is too hard or unbearable at times please always remember better days WILL COME! They have a way of appearing when we least expect it.

I hope you found your day to be productive and found some peacefulness at the library. Im glad you are here sharing your journey and showing others how being proactive in gathering the books and sorting out how limited contact with a spousal parent or NO CONTACT with an ex is crucial in the healing process.

The stress will lessen with time and learning and growing and healing. You are on the right track.

Dear learnthelesson,

Thanks for your encouraging words. I have to go off and pick my daughter up from school. All the different things that I read here are usually helpful, steering me in the right direction. I definitely am an emotional person (aren’t most women though), sometimes needing to talk to myself, calming myself down. Too many bad things have happened in my life that I have a hard time believing a lot of good things are around the corner.

Dear BlueJay,

I hear your pain, confusion and fear! It is VALID! and Yes, some of the people we trust, even ones that love us, do not truly understand about the aftermath of dealing with a psychopath. It is like an EARTHQUAKE, and if you have ever been throughh one (I was) when you realize you can’t trust the earth you stand on, it sort of leaves a sense of insecurity in your life that takes a while to heal.

I would panic when an aftershock would strike. Not now, though. I finally got over that feeling.

But with psychopathic-quakes when YOUR WORLD ROCKS even those that love us don’t “see” what it has done, or even may think we are “crazy”—your trusted therapist “friend” (who was NOT a “friend” in my opinion BTW) dujmping you and kicking you when you were down is just another “aftershock” and you will have more aftershocks unfortunately.

I weeded out my own rolodex and got rid of the people in my life who were not TRUE friends. I still have some true friends who don’t fully understand what I have been through, but I don’t talk to them about it, but I still trust them as friends because they never betrayed me. They may think I am crazy or over reacted, but they still love me anyway.

Those people who will DUMP us like a hot potato have their own agendas and we dont need them. Though it DOES hurt when the aftershock hits.

It will be a time of hard work to get to trust yourself again,, to get to trust your world and that you can keep yourself safe, but I think you are doing well. You are working on it, you have a therapist who does get it and you are coming here, learning more about them and about yourself.

It will be a painful journey, but it does get easier, ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!

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