Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
pollyannanomore:
I wonder what it is about the P/S/N’s that bring out the writer in all of us?
Polly, I love the way you express yourself with the written word. As I love the style of so many other writers here on LF.
Sometimes I wonder what’s the purpose of enduring the likes of those we’ve all loved, who’ve thought nothing of breaking our hearts, draining our accounts, distroying our children’s dreams.
And, I wonder of the Divine plan and the reasoning behind gifting we survivors with a passion to write.
I once heard that writing has the same theraputic affect as sitting through a session of psychotherapy; physiologically speaking. The heart rate slows, blood pressures lowers, cortisol reduces, and a number of other affects.
It’s a mystery to me that P/S/N associate with those who are compelled to write. Or, is that we are compelled to write because of P/S/N’s?
I embrace all of you her on LF. A point of contact, connection, compassion (the three R’s) the likes no other site, link, or otherwise sophisticated service provides.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING… TO ALL HERE.
Pollyannanomore,
I know that you are deeply saddened that you don’t have children. I just never realized your age before reading it in the above post though.
Sweetie you are still young enough to have a baby 🙂
Thank GOD you didn’t have one with your X S/P/N. I know it is hard for you to see it this way but it could have been a disaster. So many of the posters here have to face the everyday problems of sharing custody with these monsters.
Not to mention the worry of the genetic factors.
You still have child bearing years ahead of you!
All the more reason for you to want to focus on your healing journey from the toxic man that was in your life. Don’t let him take from you anymore than what he has already taken.
Your future very well might still include a baby in your arms.
Don’t give up on this, if this is your dream.
You might have envisioned yourself in your 20’s barefoot and pregnant but the same dream can come true in your 30’s.
I had my youngest at 39 and I got pregnant the first time we were together.
And I had had my first child 10 years before and hadn’t been able to get pregnant since with my x husband in the years following.
Because so many years had passed I just assumed it was me that couldn’t get pregnant again. However it was actually the sperm doner (my x).
Sometimes we have no idea what the future holds in store for us. I would have never dreamed another baby was in my future 20 some years ago….
More and more women are having babys later in life than what was common a generation ago.
Don’t give up that dream just yet….
xxooo
Polly: Girl…you are only 33?! Listen, ‘kid’….ahahaaaa! I would kick 33 in the butt now and rock on! 😉 You are still a pup! 🙂 Actually, your 30’s are the best times in life IMO….young enough to still look great but old enough to know some things. You are in the prime of life!!! 🙂
I enjoyed talking with you….no problem in staying up late….I confess: I like it. I know it’s not good for me…and I am very disciplined in most areas of my life…but I do like staying up late and sleeping late! Thirty lashes with a pillow!!!! 🙂 And if ever I say anything that helps anyone understand that really these p’s are not worth the powder it would take to blow their heads off….then I have not wasted all my young years on them. ahahahaaa! I tell ya….if I see a’ broken wing male’ coming my way….I stick a verbal sticker on them and send them home to mama. ;P
Happy Thanksgiving, LF! I will include a thank you prayer for this blog and all my supportive friends! And a special TY that we are free, becoming free and will be free! * hugs to all!
PS Polly: I know you are upset over not having kids right now….but to shed some humor into the situation-my older daughter cannot have children [ovarian cysts…cannot carry] and she cried a lot about it….then my son had this little redheaded boy from hades and she said to me: “Mom, this kid has made me ok with having no children….cause what if that’s what I got?” Then we clicked our water glasses together, slapped a high five…knuckles, then shouted, “GIRL POWER!” 😉
While thyroid can cause sleep problems (among other things) and stress can cause sleep problems, and depression and PTSD can cause sleep problems etc. it is ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA to get a GOOD PHYSICAL CHECK UP.
Being a medical person I often self-diagnose, “Oh, it’s just xyz, I will be okay in a while” and do not go to the doctor.
A couple of summers ago I started feeling like pounded dog manure, WEAK, “hot flashes” (and I’m long past menapause) and I just put it down to feeling the heat—this went on until I was so weak I could hardly stand—I had ROCKY MOUNTAIN SPOTTED FEVER and it is a wonder I did not die from this very toxic infection that 7% of the people who get it die, even WITH treatment and 20% if they don’t get treatment.
If you have “symptoms” go get checked out. A physician can do simple blood tests in the office and tell if you have thyroid problems and other physical problems and/or infections all from one blood draw. Being “tired all the time” can be a symptom of MANY THINGS. My best friend, a bout 10 years ago came to my clinic complaining of being “TATT” which was our office short hand of “tired all the time” and guess what, she was damn near dead with Leukemia and had been running on “fumes” for weeks. If she had been another few DAYS in getting into my clinic she would have DIED. As it was she spent a year in the hospital.
While we KNOW stress does a number on us, and lack of sleep does a number on us and depression does a number on us, for goodness sakes if you feel BAD physically GET A CHECK UP at the very least! I also, just FYI, went YEARS explaining away the chronic pain from SLEEP APNEA before I finally got checked and found out I was stopping breathing for long periods hundreds of times a night—no wonder I didn’t feel good and felt like I was beaten every morning when I “woke” up because I had not slept properly in YEARS. I am now THE MOST MOTIVATED sleep apnea patient in the world and though the machine is a pain in the butt sometimes, I use it FAITHFULLY because I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
Pain, tiredness, etc are all SYMPTOMS of something that is “not right” in your body/mind so before you ASSUME that it is JUST stress or PTSD or whatever, GET A CHECK UP!
This is on the list of taking care of YOURSELF FIRST.
Polly, I second Wits comment about be HAPPY you didn’t have a child with this guy—and BTW there are several options in having a child, one is adoption or fostering, and two is artificial insemination, although in both of those cases i would do my best to screen out children/sperm from genes that might be high in psychopathic traits.
I used to wake up (after my husband’s death) with my mind racing saying “you’ll be alone the rest of your life” and depending on a relationship to keep me from being lonely etc. and maybe your vision of having this “child” is your vision of what will “make you happy”—in the end, no pne can make us happy or keep us from being happy, happiness depends not on what we have but on what we ARE and Who we ARE.
If I per chance do find a good relationship I can enjoy it, but it will NOT be what makes me happy, or the lack of it making me unhappy.
Oh that lifted my heart too see all those kind comments for me this morning. Thankyou so much everyone for taking the time – I am so grateful for anything now … I always knew kindness was a gift and I was more of a giver, but now I just so appreciate gentleness and love … and it is all the more precious in knowing what each of you has been through – you could have turned cold and horrible and selfish, but your hearts are expansive … if a little wiser this time round!
Today he is leaving. And the original wound that I cannot even recall is being evoked. The time my father left when I was three. I don’t even remember it. Every time he talked about leaving though I would feel this tremendous pain. He has left several times before and come back and each time the pain is dreadful. This will be the last leaving and I think he knows it.
He has hidden from me for days and days and when he tried to do his traditional abusive behaviours of closing a door in my face or saying ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ or ‘That’s in the past’ I have named the technique he uses loudly outside his door – “That’s called INVALIDATION and DENIAL and REWRITING HISTORY – they’re all methods of psychological abuse and you have done them for years. I won’t stay silent about what you did anymore.”
So today I woke up dreading the day ahead and already welling up with tears at the unfairness of it all and the pain that was already starting even though I told myself ‘You have cried enough – time to change things now.’ And I log on here to find such fellowship and understanding from people who have never met me in person. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. It’s making me cry even though I said I wouldn’t – but it’s good tears this time – you will all know what I mean!
Oxy – my physical pain is under the care of a rheumy at the moment. I have had every test and scan known to man and have been to every possible specialist. This rheumy ran a test that nobody else had in the seven yrs I had the pain – a vit d one and found I was dangerously low – I liked the metaphor of it – he literally stole my sunshine 🙂 Apparently as the levels come up the pain should start subsiding but if not I will next go to an endocrinologist.
Witsend and Oxy – I am glad I don’t have a child with HIM – that would have been a nightmare. I have seen his lack of concern with animals and using them as pawns. It would have destroyed me to see him do that with an innocent child. And you are right about the options … it’s not necessarily too late.
Witsend = thanks for sharing your experience – that gives me some hope – you hear so many horror stories about pregnancy after 35. I guess there are many older mothers these days though and maybe there are benefits to waiting.
Oxy – why does that waking script happen>? I haven’t read anything about it, but guess most docs would just put it down to general depression – the mind races in depression. I don’t want to go on antidepressant meds – have no problem with people who do but having tried them in the past I would rather just go through the pain without them. I wonder if the morning script is something particular to these types of relationships or a symptom of PTSD.
TB LOL @....... your daughter. Teachers sometimes say our work is the ultimate contraceptive 🙂 That must be hard for her though – please slip in an anonymous hug from me next time you see her.
Isabell – I second your three factors present in bucketloads on this site 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving to you!
I did my graduate work on story narrative and have written scripts and frameworks for years – I ironically wrote about the relationship while in it in an effort to understand it. I think what makes the writing so good here is that everyone is so empathetic – they are so in touch with their humanity, emotions, thoughts and feelings and have languages to express them. I wonder how many other people here are learning to craft story … I wouldn’t call myself a writer as I am not successful yet but it is something I enjoy immensely and something he tried to take away from me and devalue – he would steal my ideas, create arguments, deny, devalue – all the classic abusive behaviours and I thought I was no good at writing. Ironically I have met up with an old friend from school who also writes and he thinks my ideas are great – terrific affirmation even if I never make a name for myself or get anything published!
I really enjoyed a book called Vein of Gold by Julia Cameron – she writes about the spiritual elements of writing – how we find our own archetypes and reflect our own life stories. I am trying really hard to use this horrible experience as food to create so I can see some meaning in it. I went to a workshop years ago for people devastated by grief and took as a gift a mosaic made from mirror which to me symbolised making something beautiful from the shattered shards of broken lives. Does anyone else depict their experience creatively in some way?
EB – thanks for being you 🙂 I feel cheered greatly seeing your encouraging messages and after reading them went and hugged the dogs and said ‘We’re going to be just fine aren’t we? We don’t need that useless dumbf***k around. We’re going to go to the beach a LOT this summer – not just talk about it like he did!’ And then I cried again cause they licked my face and they’re so beautiful and trusting! But GOOD tears 🙂 Not painful tears. I can’t recall the last time I cried bittersweet tears that weren’t pain filled and wrenching – I used to in my younger days cry at a beautiful piece of music or a person I loved.
Well the sun is shining – summer is coming. And I am going to get a big bunch of flowers for my mum to say thanks for all she’s done listening to me each week at Sunday coffee and holding on loosely while I tried to make this stupid relationship work. I am going out tonight with a friend from school to a Christmas function and will make sure I am not here to see the sad ‘moving out’ spectacle. I am not going to isolate anymore nor be afraid of his jealousy – time to connect with humanity again.
Many many thanks to everyone – hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving weekend!
Dear Polly,
Glad this is turning out to be an uplifting day! This is our National Thanksgiving day here in US and now it is YOUR thanksgiving day too, you are RID OF HIM!
As far as the AD meds, there ar ehundreds of different kinds, and sometimes one won’t do for a person and another will. Actually trying to “tough it out” without medication is sort of like someone saying, “oh, I have heart problems but I am not going to take medication, I will just tough it out.”
The HIGH stress actually causes hormonal imbalances in our brains that are permanent and the medication usually does help, but I suggest you go to a psychiatrist not your family doc for an RX evaluation. Family docs don’t usually know much about AD medications. You may not have to be on AD meds for your entire life, but as much as I hate to take medication, it makes my life livable. I am down to half the dose I was on but probably will have to stay on that, and that’s OK with me. Whatever works, but just don’t go against AD medication out of hand. See a “shrink” and at least get evaluated for another kind of AD meds.
Glad you are not isolating either and glad summer is coming for you. I just heard my step son (who works for oil companies al over the world) is going down under in January for 9 weeks, so he will miss our winter here and he is excited! LOL
Polly:
Thanks for the hugs for my daughter ! Very kind of you.
Believe it or not….I made it thru all this without any meds of any kind. I did use natural stress remedies like Rescue Remedy [pure flower essences] and natural breathing exercises both of which I still do. I’ve never used any type of conventional AD drugs altho my two daughters both have and said they helped them. They weaned themselves off them. I also used/use exercise and music for healing and to express my emotions. I also found it very helpful to just talk it all out with a loyal friend that was willing to stand by me. And now I don’t talk about it often [except here] and if I do…it’s in a more clinical way because of all the healing that has taken place.
Exercise is a natural mood lifter and also burns off the stress hormones as well.
The sugar gives you a “carbohydrate” high which also decreases depression, that is one reason we eat more in the winter time when sunlight is low.
Getting sunlight on your eyes is also a good mood lifter as well. so Exercising out side in the sunshine and light is a good thing to do, as well as healthy for body and mind! And it doesn’t cost a darned thing! Of course when we are depressed or “down” we tend to hole up inside and not exercise, but by making ourselves get OUTSIDE in the light and move, we help ourselves in lots of ways.
Using every single thing that we know is good for us and has no bad side effects is important, medication or not. I k now that some people can “get through”t hings witout medication, but this is why I recommend that anyone who is feeling depressed GET AN EVALUATION BY A PSYCHIATRIST (not just your family doctor) to see how severe your symptoms are and to monitor whether or not you need medication and if so, what particular kind. Family docs are not familiar with all the available ones or all their effects and/or side effects.
You wouldn’t go to a friend to recommend your treatment for heart problems, so I don’t think a “friend” is always the best one to diagnose or treat depression either.