Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
Twice Betrayed, music is a wonderful tool for me. I can change my mood just by listening to certain kinds of music. I put my headphones on and simply float away. Sugar, though I love it, is NOT my friend. I can’t handle the crash after the high, so I try to do it in moderation, though there are days like yesterday when it’s really tough.
Ox, the sunshine is very important. I agree with you on this. This is the time of year where many have to work harder to get that on a regular basis because the days are short and the dark is long and then when to sugar and so on… I like your analogy of going to see a friend for heart problems and agree with you, it’s best to see a specialist in any area of medicine when needed.
Good stuff on here!
Oxy; you are so right on sunlight! You know, when my x pulled that run off now four years ago I was more broken than when I walked out forever. Because it was so unexpected when he cleaned out the bank accounts, closed the cc’s and left me penniless and w/o a job at the moment-since I had received a full grant to write a book. Blew me out.. but I had animals to care for-many rescued dogs/cats that I rescued, fostered and placed in good homes thru my rescue connections–I also had large animals [horses] so this forced me to get outside and WORK. [my rescue friends sent me food for my animals and family/friends helped me money wise until I could get an outside job-which resulted in the loss of my grant]. I also retained an attorney and was able to get some money from my x after a court hearing…but this all took time. At any rate-point is: being forced to continue to work…..especially physical work outside really helped me make it thru! [ By the time this x decided to return….I no longer wanted him. However, he trumped me money wise and I was forced to allow his return for two years-I used that time to work and save money to leave on-which I did]. I still have several dogs outside and I enjoy my walks/care/play with them in the sunlight. Really lifts my spirits, clears my mind. I do things now that are uplifting instead of being forced into ‘nut management’ like I was with the ‘nutty one’. LOL!
Cat: I cannot do sugar. It’s like it’s plain poison to me! I wake up during the night coughing and just feel awful for several days..until it clears my system.
Sunlight in winter: I use full spectrum lighting in my kitchen and I have a full spectrum lamp in my bedroom. I keep it on during rainy/winter days-really helps me feel better.
It really ticks me off with frustration (not anger) when people are told that depression or any other mental issue is simply a matter of “mind over matter” when they would not feell that way about a heart or kidney problem (well at least most sane people wouldn’t) is just a matter of “mind over matter” or if they had an appendix burst they wouldn’t say “oh, I’ll just tough it out, it will be okay.”
I love the ads they are running now about strokes, where this guy has an ARROW through his chest and he is talking to some clerks and they keep asking “Sir, are you okay?” and he keeps saying “Oh, it’s nothing, it will be OK.”
The signs of heart attacks and strokes are fairly well defined yet too many people are in DENIAL about the signs, the pain, etc. and WAY too many people are that way with depression, “Oh, I just have to not be a baby, it will lpass.”
Depression is a REAL CHEMICAL illness like diabetes, and it is something that medication (in some cases when Rx’d by a TRAINED physician or health care provider) can be controlled easily. There is no more shame in taking an antidepressant than there is in taking insulin. Yet many people persist in either ignorance or denial or both—or they take their hair dressers diagnosis and treatment recommendation.
Yet we each make our CHOICES and we must live with the results…I wouldn’t want to try to force anyone to do anything against their will, but it is still frustrating to see people not treat treatable problems that make life so much better, when there ARE safe and effective options.
Pollyanna:
I read the sense of relief in your post!!! The weight lifted off your shoulders.
Today, tomorrow or the next may be hard, may contain only moments of fear/sadness……but I beleieve the prevailing feeling will be of relief!
KEEP FOCUSED ON YOU!!!!
Keep talking to yourself, keep telling yourself good words……
YOU WILL BE OKAY….YOU WILL!!!!
I remember the first time the ex S moved out…..it was crazy….he took the drawers from the chests, but left the chests….he took all the art off the walls….left the house in disarray……for us to come home to……
It was an initial shock…..oh, because how he loved us…..but then I immediately remembered WHO had done this….just another confirmation….
Lean on all your support and keep those doggie kisses coming…..for a time, all I had was my girly…my old lab…..she saw me through……I lost her in July…..when it was ALL over……
I am really glad he’s leaving, I hope you plan on going NC….there will be games played by him…..keep in mind….YOU DON”T HAVE TO PARTICIAPTE!!!!
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!
You have been grieving for some time…..so your ahead of the game…..keep your feelings up and your positive attitude….know you will have good days and bad days…..try to keep a balance….
Don’t allow your highs to be too high, NOR your lows tooo low.
I at one point was very low of Vit D…..still take it, at one point took 50,000 ICU 3x a week….
Low vit d can affect moods……it takes some time to get it back up…..but head out in that sunshine and feel free girl….
You WILL feel better all around if you can minimize your stress and maintain control of your life!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
XXO
EB
Wow..I understand this…but it was my hypervigilence that saved me in court. Long long story, butI had everything documented by a professional, and then told the professional about whwat I new his vindictive next move would be against me, because I wanted to get help for our four year old child, and he didn’t. I wanted counseling for our son, he didn’t, so his sick move, was to accuse my 8 year old child, of molesting our four year old child. Talk about hypervigilence. He did everything in his power to try and break me away from my children and break my children away from eachother, becaue he new it was killing me, and it was the best form of control he had over me. We had been split up for quite a while, and he still had control over me, using our son. I know everything about PTSD. It is a nightmare in your mind and body that seems unescapable. I still suffer, but not as bad. He has changed a little, now that our son is older, and can tell a court that his father is an ashole, with a temper…who severely emotionally abused me and my two children for seven years…plus.
the funny thing though, is when he filed that false claim against my 8 year old son, I really didn’t save us…because the court through the case right out. I walked in with a folder 3 inches thick with evidence against him. They never looked at it. He thought for sure he could walk in and break my family apart, simply by telling the court his “made up lie.” He wwalked in empty handed, and when the court asked for our son to come in, ofcourse he refused. It was his plan to make sure that I had to seperate my children in order to have my son come home on my time. He thought he was going to punish me, by making me find day care for my other son, and splitting my boys up. It makes me so angry to look back at this. He is still an ashole until this day…but better, because he knows he can’t wiin in the court. He has mounted his own evidence up with his reputation where he works as a teacher, and has been threatened to lose his job due to his anger issues. He can stab you in the stomach in the blink of an eye, with his words, with out cause or reason.
notagain,
I feel for you. It’s hard to recover from PTSD when you share a child/children with the S. It is a relief, though, when a precedence in your favor is established in court. Once that’s done, it’s difficult for the S to have it reversed. Which means you can relax some and smell the roses with your boys!
Enjoy the reprieves between the insanity episodes. It strengthens your influence over your children and affords windows of normalcy. I also suggest, if you haven’t already done so, read “Just Like His Father” by Liane Leedom. My son is nothing like his father but I have still found the book insightful, affirming and helpful. Just one book of many in my arsenal against evil 😉
Namaste
Duped
I remember back couple months ago I went to the courthouse it was around late afternoon and it was a friday… I guess they dont want to take your information that late in the day….they told me ” the computers down” come back on monday…. this was to file a restraining order… I said MONDAY… well isnt their a “live person” to take my information on “paper”…. No come back Monday…..
how can people who get up the courage to do this? and then to be turned away?? feel safe it would have made a huge difference for me… but the girl just sat their on the phone … chatting away like yeah how was your weekend…. oh she wants to know if there is anyone that can help now what if something happens….just come back on Monday! People in that position must have some kind of training on how to treat others, turning them away is a disservice..injustice not justice…. its not crying wolf… its not being afraid and seeking help and asking and finding courage… only to be sent away…. wonder if I can complain to the city?…. its only a piece of paper right what would they do…. sit on their arrsseesss…….
In reference to the discussion on depression and meds…
I agree with Oxy that it’s a matter of choice. Certainly no one can MAKE you take a pill that may significantly CHANGE YOUR LIFE for the better!
It is also true, though, that stress, anxiety, depression and the like create chemical imbalances in the brain; increased uptake of this, decreased absorption of that, etc. etc. Not to mention an increased risk of heart attack, diabetes and several other nasty systemic byproducts of living in a state of upset.
If you are committed to feeling better but just CAN’T seem to do it, GET SOME HELP. I tell my fifteen year old, who sees a psychiatrist for meds and psychologist for therapy, it’s a sign of health to get help. Of course, like any fifteen year old, he thinks he’s the ONLY teen in therapy :-0
I too see a therapist every other week and, while I’m not specifically on antidepressants, I do take anti-seizure medication for nerve damage in one of my hands, that I’ve come to embrace as a mood uplifter. If I forget to take it, either the pain in my hand reminds me or my mood does.
My hand, while injured twenty years ago, never hurt as bad as it did after the stuff hit the fan with my S. Chronic pain can also be a symptom of stress/anxiety/depression. I’m fortunate to have found a medication that helps with both 😀
The healthiest people I know are in or have been in therapy. If you try one therapist and you’re not confident in the relationship, find another. I’ve had many over the past two decades, one for seven years, another for three, the latest for two thus far. One was great but I moved, one was good but I out grew him and we said good bye with mutual respect. Each one was helpful in a different way.
I don’t go because I’m in a state of crisis or impending doom. I go so that I may have objective feedback in a life I want filled with continual growth; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. At 39, my body, no matter how much I exercise, is still in a state of atrophy. I’d like to believe there is an inverse relationship between the decay I can’t prevent and the psychological growth I CAN perpetuate. And, some how, life just seems to get better and better!
Namaste
Duped
My first feeling is that you were just
too busy & distracted when the
curious green toppings showed
up on your plate.
At times in my life when I
let myself get ‘too busy’
was when I would make
mistakes I would regret later.
In 1985 I ended up married
for 5 months to
an ‘S’ because I was in sleep
deprivation from college &
supporting myself. If I had
only taken time then to look for
red flags I never would have
fallen for him.
Now at 53 I’ve learned to never
hurry anything. Not give into
people’s deadlines & pressure.
You are a very strong individual,
I admire your courage to persevere
like you did.