Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
WARNING: Erin don’t mean to bust your bubble about Vitramin D but there are four vitamins that are TOXIC, and I mean TOXIC in excess they are K,A,D, & E (I remember them by making a “word” “Kade” out of them.) These four vitamins are stored in FAT not water soluble and in great excess can literally KILL you, so the megadozing with any of these four vitamins can be really bad. The body will store as much excess in your fat as it can, but when the fat is used the excess comes out with it. Like on a diet or if you lose weight because you are very ill, etc.
Taking a daily “multivitamin” though I highly recommend because we tend not to eat right when we are stressed. Plus, getting out in the sunshine (natural vitamin D) and exercise (burns off stress hormones and raises the feel good chemicals in our brains)
Your advice to Polly is great though! She needs to FOCUS on herself! Be good to herself.
Took all the drawers but left the chests? ROTFLMAO what an arse!
OxDrover,
My doctor just told me today that I should take 50,000 mg of Vitamin D per week for a month. I guess I’d better look into the safety in that.
As to the stress, my S mom was here for Thanksgiving and I didn’t realize how stressed I was until she left. I went to sleep for 12 hours.
I’m so glad to hear from others who are dealing with an S mom – most are dealing with spouses. Those of us with aging S parents are in a different place. How do you stay safe AND have a relationship with siblings who aren’t on the same page? Talk about stress!
For example, mom is running a con job on some friends. My sister told her that I had been talking to the couple’s daughter about the fact that my mother has a lot of money. Mom showed them some sort of fiancial “proof” that she has next to nothing so she can steal an apartment from them. Anyway, mom knows that the jig is up and I’m holding my breath waiting for the bomb to fall in my lap. Mom was curiously friendly over Thanksgiving – creepy.
Someone said earlier that they’ll be really nice to you so you let your guard down and then they lower the hammer (sorry for mixing my metaphors). I think that’s so true. But it’s so awful living like this.
My mom and I don’t live in the same state. And I know I have to remove myself from the relationship. Easily done except that I feel guilty about leaving her to my brother and sister. Gotta deal with that. And, I have to deal with a sister who is my best friend but who very much wants to believe that her mother loves her. She and I had a big argument over mom’s intentions and my sister’s lack of loyalty. We’re not speaking to each other and I’m heartbroken. I know it’s all my mother’s doing – a long story of triangulation.
In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy is asked what she’s learned. She says that happiness is in her own backyard. Then she asks the Good Witch why she didn’t just tell her that in the beginning and the good witch says, “Because you wouldn’t have believed me – you had to learn it for yourself.”
That’s so true. I know I have to give my sister time to learn it for herself and hope that she’ll come back to me. But I feel like crying a river over all the horrible things my mother has done to us – and this is the worst.
How do I run away from my mother and help out my siblings when my mother needs to move, etc…? How can I help my sister and remain safe? I could use a bit of advice.
I also don’t sleep at night. I guess this is affecting me far more than I realized.
“Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to?” is one of the more profound statements I’ve ever read on this site. It really resonated with me — not so much in my intimate relationships as in some others. (Let’s just say, I aspire to being hypervigilant, but I lack the discipline required.)
I think the whole point here was, this person was so hypervigilant, she missed something essential. Ironically, not vigilant at all. Couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
I hear that ding-ding-ding go off in my head.
Also, I’m struggling with some volunteer work I do occasionally, some public relations for a poorly run nonprofit. You can always tell the codependents on the e-mail list: We have to do something about this; we have to respond; who’s going to do it?; OK, I will. The “OK, I will” is usually hyper-responsible me. What I need to say instead is, Why don’t you morons have a professional public relations team in place? Why is this run like the church bake sale — waiting until enough blue-haired ladies show up to make cookies? What the heck am I enabling here? What kind of sociopaths start a nonprofit and then wait for the patsies to show up to do their PR?
Just ranting — against myself, mainly. Time to let myself off the hook, huh?
Let it crash. Watch it go boom. Boom good, rescue bad.
Oxy:
My Vit D blood level was 9 When MD Anderson specialist Rx’d the 50,000 script. It took 5 months for the Vit D blood work to come back ‘in range’.
I have been back to low (although not that low) for each 3 month blood test since.
I take OTC Vit. D nightly.
With the Thyriod problems…..I only wish I could lose some weight!!!!
Thanks for the info.
Off-topic: I noticed the comments to “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m Not a Sociopath” are closed. I wanted to thank you again for posting that wonderful, humorous, sad article. I sent it to my mother after I first read it, and we talked over the weekend.
Mom said she immediately recognized her brother-in-law. I can’t tell you how healing it has been for her finally to realize, after her sister’s death, what really happened and why it didn’t make any sense. Her sister, my aunt, was in the grip of a sociopath.
Naively enough, she reconciled with Aunt Barb just before her death. It was the right thing to do, but she went one step further, thinking it meant it was OK to “forgive” what they did — they attempted to steal $10K from her, back in the ’70s, when that was a lot of money, and when my mom was a struggling divorcee. She fought to get every penny of that money back over the years and thought it was finally “in the past.” She took pity on her poor widowed brother-in-law, and they went out to breakfast a few times. Finally, it became clear to her that he had no recollection of ever doing anything wrong (!).
That was always clear to me.
She’d already given up on Larry, one last time after 30-some years. And then I sent her your satirical “speech.” She loved it. Thanks, Steve. Really. My mom waited almost 35 years for that perfect description, and I’ve waited just as long to tell everyone in the family just what I think of it all. Now that my cousin — his daughter, my beloved youngest cousin — has run off to follow her dream to become a painkiller addict, I’ve taken off the kid gloves I’ve worn so long in deference to the two girls. I proudly tell my mother’s story, about her courage and integrity, to anyone who will listen.
And to hell with my uncle’s reputation in that little town. He messed with the wrong 14-year-old that day they rummaged through my mom’s legal papers to erase that loan, thinking I didn’t really see that. What kind of unreality were they in? It turns out, complete unreality. Utter, 100% self-delusion.
Dear Running away,
If your physician checked your blood levels and recommended that dose, I would probably go with that, s/he did not apparently recommend that dose for an extended period of time. Many people ARE deficient because we wear sun screen and are not outside enough (the skin manufacutues it from sunshine) It is when people take HIGH doses for extended periods of time that they get into trouble.
I know it is difficult when “mom is the abuser/con”
There is a link to BloggerT’s website on the left side of here “when mom is the abuser” and there are some good articles there.
I am my egg donor’s only child, and so I don’t have to contend with sibs, though my 3 first cousins on that side (the children of Uncle Monster, her brother) are as close as I have to sibs, but I iam not close to any of them really, the male cousin lives close, and he is the most damaged I think of the three from the abuse by their father, but he is my egg donor’s power of attorney now, because she didn’t trust me any longer and took away my POA over her business. she gave it to my son C and his WIFE the P, who of course stole the egg donor’s money and tried to kill her husband C—
After it all calmed down, the egg donor offered me back the POA and so on, but she just wanted to “pretend none of this happened and start over” NOPE—-I’m not going to play that game any more.
I assume your mom is still active and has as much of her mind as she ever did, and still doesn’t have a moral compass.
I know you love your sister, but there is no way you can make her see what she is DELIBERATELY BLIND TO—she is in denial, the thought of learning and knowing that her mother doesn’t really love her, never loved her, is incapable of loving her, is so POTENITALLY PAINFUL for her, she can’t accept it, so she DENIES it.
That is normal behavior for anyone who has lost something they had or thought they had. It is almost impossible to break that denial except in the case of a death of someone where there is NO chance that the person is alive. In cases where children have been kidnapped and gone for 20+ years, the parents many times die believing their child is alive. It happens, but not often, about like winning the lotto, the odds are so long and against you, but they have to hang on to that holpe, that belief that their child is not dead in order to not face the terrible pain of admitting that s/he probably is.
We all want our mother to love us, and I honestly thought mine did too, until that fateful day when after all she had done to me, how she had devalued me, shown NO MERCY OR PITY FOR MY PAIN, NO COMPASSION, NO EMPATHY, but looked at me with total disgust as I begged her to believe me….and then she wanted to pretend NONE OF IT EVER HAPPENED? NOPE!!! The pain she inflicted was so great, it made it clear she didn’t love me, because NO ONE WHO CARED ANYTHING FOR ANYONE COULD DEVALUE THE PERSON THE WAY SHE DID ME.
So sometimes it takes a really harsh devaluation to SNAP you out of the denial. Sometimes peo0ple hang on to the denial even after the person they love beats, shoots, stabs, or otherwise gravely injures them in a rage—and still they can’t let go.
I suggest tht you read “The Betrayal Bond” it is in the LoveFraud store and by golly it will show you, I think, just what your sister is going through. There’s another one I recommend too, “If you had controlling parents” by Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. It is quite a good book.
Your mother may “only” be a borderline or histrionic personality disorder, it doesn’t matter WHAT the particular diagnosis would be if she were professionally diagnosed, the bottom line, cut to the chase is she is DISORDERED IN HER THINKING, SELFISH and Manipulative, and there is no way to have any kind of a NON-TOXIC relationship with these people.
I know from personal experience when they triangulate and SPLIT people up from each other successfully (and that is one of their best tricks) my egg donor split my son C off from his brother D and I. It was only the two of us against the troop of them, led and managed of course by my P son. As PROOF that they would “wini” in one of his letters of instruction to the Trojan Horse Psychopath he cheered them on with, “I get along with everyone in this family EXCEPT mom and D, and everyone else does too, so who is right? We are of course, and we will “win” because there are more of us and we are smarter! Mom (Me) is crazy. I think she must have a brain tumor.” LOL I’m sure glad that my P son got a good medical school and neurological education while he’s been in prison these 20+ years that he can make the diagnosis of my “brain tumor” without an MRI or a CT scan! LOL ROTFLMAO
The only way I can see that you can “help out” your sibs, is to maybe call a family meeting, IN LOVE, and say to them in a kind and compassionate way what you have said here…that you think your mother is being manipulative, and that you want no part of it. Assure them that you love THEM but that because of the situation you are going to have to DISTANCE yourself from “mommie dearest” (completely, but you might not want to say that to them at first) then tell them that you will support THEM and help them in whatever way you can in their care of your mom, FROM A DISTANCE, and that might mean that you help them financially, like pay for the moving truck if they would have to pay for it, or HIRE someone to do the labor that you would have done, but you are supporting your SIBS, not your mother, if that makes any sense.
Assure them that you are NOT asking them to “choose” between your mother and you, that they have their own relationships with mother, but you have chosen to distance yourself from mother, but you do NOT want to distance yourself from them, and you hope that they will be undeerstanding and supportive of the decision that you have had to make FOR YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND AND STRESS REDUCTION which high stress is literally making you SICK.
Your might also say, “this isn’t about loving or not loving mom, but it is about my SELF PRETECTION AND PRESERVATION, and I “hope you can be supportive of me.”
Then in the future, keep your discussions of mommie’s behavior, antics, con jobs or whatever at a minimum unless it is a situation where you have to get the check book out and hire someone to help your sibs with your mom’s care.
That way, you won’t have to wrestle with any “guilt” about not doing your part with your sibs (which frankly, I’m my egg donor’s only child and I do NOT feel guilty that she has no one because she chose to take away my AUTHORITY to do ofor her, so without authority, there is NO OBLIGATION. If I had sibs and they had to help out my egg donor, like you do, I would “pay my share” (even if I had to sell plasma to get the money) but I would not participate in it, and I would do just what I advised you to do. Essentially or totally NC.
NC with my egg donor is the best thing I have EVER DONE for myself! I am no longer devalued by anyone in my circle of love and trust cause there are no abusers within that circle at the moment and I intend to KEEP IT THAT WAY, and anyone who doesn’t think I have a perfect right to stop abuse the only way I can and gets mad at me about it—that is THEIR PROBLEM, NOT mine.
Good luck and God bless ((((Hugs))))
Twice Betrayed,Thank you and everyone else for your comments and your support. How do you go about getting full spectrum lighting because I find the winters MUCH harder to get through than the summers.
Spirit 40, I’ve run into the same thing with the legal system. I was told I couldn’t get an order unless he actually DID something. I asked for this when he was running around looking for a gun because he wanted to shoot himself and I was truly afraid he would take our son and myself with him. Wonder what one of them would do if the situation were reversed? I’m quite sure you weren’t there just because you were bored…
Susan, 53 rocks! I’m 53 as well. This has been my year of discovery and freedom. If I’ve learned ONE lesson, it’s to watch who I give to and why I give to them. Sleep deprivation hits me very hard. I can’t think, do or say anything that makes sense. I rarely have nights where I don’t sleep now. Had one a few days ago and it messed my mind and thinking up big time. I understand how that could have happened to you.
Ox, I’ve heard the same about Vitamin D. I hadn’t heard about the others though. I tend not to eat at all when highly stressed. I do take a good vitamin daily, though. My stress was so high at one point that I weighed only 115 lbs. That doesn’t work when you’re almost 5’8″. I actually ended up in ER, I was a anemic and dehydrated. I was the poster child for the effects of a Path. I was very pale and didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and of course, that was depression kicking in big time. This all came about because I finally told him to get out and he kicked into gear big time. I am pretty sure God was walking right next to me because as bad as I felt, I still stuck to my guns. I have come to believe that faith in a Higher Power is just as important to our soul as how we treat our bodies.
duped, the best therapist I ever had was the one who asked me, “What are YOU getting out of this?” One simple question that opened my eyes and changed my life forever. I haven’t seen him since I moved, but I can attest to the fact that a good therapist will help you change your life for the better. I think it takes a combination of taking care of ourself physically, finding people (like here on LF) to help us emotionally and a belief in that Higher Power and having a willingness to change.
Erin, I don’t have thryroid problems, but it does run in my family, so I’m tested on a regular basis. I think this is one of the most important tests a person should have done.
Dear Sistersister,
TOWANDA FOR YOU!!!! TOWANDA FOR YOUR MOM!
Sometimes it seems it takes a life time to be vindicated and I am glad that you (and your mom) both are vindicated by that article. It is a great one!
runnungaway,
Having a personality disorder in your family seems to bring up a whole set of different problems doesn’t it? However as I am learning here, on LF, it doesn’t come with a different set of rules of “how to not engage”.
I guess we have to step back and try to look at our own personal situation and make a choice. It is, what it IS. And everytime we allow them into our lives on any level (even just a simple holiday meal) the stress level is high.
I am in a similar but not the same type of situation. My youngest son still resides in the home. He talks about leaving, and I am still uncertain if he has a plan. Meaning a place to actually GO when he leaves. He is so out of touch with reality most of the time and seems to “think” that all he has to do is WANT something and say it outloud and it will “happen”.
He tends to reside in a world where what he says is HIS reality and not what actually happens.
His older brother, is so not in tune to his brothers disorder. And there really is nothing that I can say to give him an understanding of it all. It is as if it is just going to have to unfold and “happen” however it happens.
I think it is hard for family members to get it. Until they see it FOR themselves.
Maybe your sister has to experience this particular experience for herself with your mother? Maybe that is what it will take. Who knows what that “experince” with your mother might be before she has a “light bulb” moment? Maybe she will never have it. But you can’t prevent it. And maybe you shouldn’t try……
This is what I am concluding in my personal situation. My older son does not see his brother through my lenses. He is not living here at home, he is married and has his own life. He sees some things his brother is doing that he doesn’t understand…..But is a long way off from connecting the dots.
I will be here for him if and when he does…..And maybe he never will. I guess that is ok to.
I think Oxy would agree, that this article is SPOT ON to my needs right now.
Amazingly as people before have said… I no-longer need anti-depressants since leaving the life with the S/P.
But alas, he is my son’s father. I must be diligent, but NOT hyper vigilant.
Thanks “duped”. What a revelation!
PS: yes. Marijuana can get you high once ingested, but if Duped has never “done” marijuana before it may not register…your body sometimes must be exposed a few times.
Duped was “parsley” on your children’s nuggets? It would have been nice to be able to prove he fed them “drugs”.