Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
I don’t know how long ago the “parsley” was on there, but HAIR TESTS can prove up to three months, maybe longer, as evidence of this is stored in the hair. I used to do pre employment drug screenings, and you wouldn’t believe how much liquid people would drink to wash it out of their systems and it DID work some of the time—but I suggested to the company that they start doing HAIR and then guys would shave their heads, so we took beard hair, then they started shaving off beards too, well then we took under arm or crotch hair—and we had to watch them cut it so it was amazing how many would leave before the test, “they forgot to run to the bank, be right back…” and never of course came back to the clinic. It was SOOOO Funny!
Of course, you might be able to PROVE YOUR KID HAD BEEN EXPOSED, but since your kid is so young, you probably couldn’t prove HOW they got it, it would be a he said-she said.
But just FYI if anyone has to do a drug test again, get an order for a HAIR TEST, if you are sure you are clean for at least 3 months.
My husband ate a whole pan of brownines one of his older kids had cooked with gosh knows how much MJ in it (years before we married) My husband did not smoke or drink alcohol, so I imagine it really got him high. He said he remembered crawling up the stairs to go to bed, but couldn’t get up on the bed, so pulled a pillow down and slept on the floor, laughing at everything.
Yes, Banana HYPER vigilence is definitely going to keep you distracted so that you RE-act instead of ACT, and keep your wits scattered about your feet. You need ALL of your wits right now to try to stay as close to sane as you can get under the circumstances. This guy really knows how to pull your chaini, and you have got to DISCONNECT his access to it!
Don’t get excited over the small things, and remember, no BLOOD, no worry—kids are resilient and your kid will survive being with the crazy grandma a time or two, and all the other stuff, so don’t let any of this guy’s drama upset you. When you start to feel upset, CHANT: THIS IS ALL DRAMA TO UPSET ME, I WILL NOT LET IT WORK!
Do they sell those brownies at the bakery……Today…..I could use a good laugh!
🙂
Cat: you can find full spectrum lighting bulbs in many home stores and use them in your lamps/lights. [I got some at Home Depot]. The more you use the more like sunshine in your home. You can also buy them online…just google. I have friends that live up north and northeast and they really suffer…and they use light boxes. Just google for them also and best price.
CAT , Thank you, exactly… no I must have been really bored to get up , muster up the courage to make my way downtown to the courthouse…. to be turned away… its ok most of them are just full of steam right.. just go home it will be ok ..cause we change our minds we must deserve the abuse for real…. Well this also solidifies my desire to be a victim advocate…. one more semester to go …wooo hooo…you are not as weak as you appear…. I love the analogy for fear…
F everything and run…. not us we are survivors! I Will not let anyone BREAK MY SPIRIT !
OxDrover — Thanks for the further validation. Thirty-five years is too long to wait, but it happened.
Weird coincidence: My sister has the same birthday as my uncle: November 18. Both are just lost to reality.
Wits, your advice is right on, and it is the hardest thing in the world to actually DO…let others take their own lumps, you can only do what you can do. Sure, we try to get them to SEE and to believe us, but until they actually SEE what is going on, it is like my husband’s color blindness, he could NOT SEE that pink goop on the freaking sink, it was invisible to him—and that is the same with others.
When I tried to show my egg donor the mug shot and rap sheet of the P she didn’t believe it, she said that I had “made it up on my computer”—-talk about DENIAL. I begged her to call the sheriff, but she refused, she would be “embarassed” she said!
Then, a few days later her attorney told me the sheriff was MAD AT ME FOR MAKING UP SUCH LIES…which proved to me that even her lawyer, mr. HOT SHOT NARCISSISTIC SCUM BAG LAWYER had not even talked to the sheriff either. Or else he would have known the truth, he didn’t even try to find out the truth.
I swear, it is so frustrating sometimes and even the cyber skilelt won’t pound sense into their heads. It doesn;’t mean they are stupid, they are just (Except for the freaking scum bag lawyer) P-BLIND. They make excuses, just LIKE WE USE’TA DO. that’s how we can know what they are feeling and thinking cause WE DID THE SAME THING!!!
Gosh, I was WARNED about some of the Ps I did business with, and warned about the P-boss I went to work for, she had a REPUTATION all right—but I only believed when she “hit me up side the haid!”
She screamed at me like a banshee, and I found out later she had done the same thing to everyone in the office, but I put my resignation in her in-box the next morning before she got there. She came into my office and said “Oxy, I think we need to talk” and I said “I don’t think so, you said plenty yesterday” Those were the last words I ever spoke to her, and I worked out my notice NC with her, pretended I didn’t see her if we crossed in the hall way. She had NOT expected me to quit, but to stay there like all the others because I needed the job. She didn’t realize I would have quit no matter what, but I had another job before the week was out. I feel sorry for those people who “had” to stay there with that witch for a boss. But I didn’t choose to stay, and fortunately, I have never had problems finiding a job. If it had been necessary, i would have taken one that meant I had to say “would you like fries with that?” But, actually it was a godsend and got me out of that madhouse…literally.
Since there’s been some discussion about the specifics of the parsley flakes incident, I thought I’d clarify. When I said evening class, perhaps night class would have been most explanatory. I did not get home until between 9:30 and 10 p.m. The kids where in bed, so I have no idea what was served to them (chances are good my eldest was left to fend for himself and the youngest ate something I’d specifically prepared for him since he was just a one year old at the time) and I went to bed shortly there after. If it was intoxicating, I wouldn’t have known.
The fact of the matter is, one shouldn’t have to think twice about eating something prepared by their significant other. I didn’t need to be more vigilant about behaving normally, I needed to make better choices from the get go about hooking up with Mr. Abnormal.
Which brings me to codependency. When all you know is crazy, the radar doesn’t sound; making it easy to ignore or excuse behaviors during the getting attached part of relationship building. Fortunately, I no longer have that problem. Unfortunately, I now sense crazy, of varying levels, so quickly I rarely get past a first date without counting my blessings and moving on!
Wow! Did a light bulb go on for me when I read this. Now those hemp lotions,etc. my former step-son got me for Christmas make sense! I was dealing with a father and son TEAM! And not that long after, sonny boy got in trouble, so Daddy had to start drug testing him. I feel soooooo dumb.
Will I ever sort this all out. I really don’t think so. Do I have a chance for survival with my kids against this??
Dear Duped,
I personally don’t like the term “co-dependent” but prefer to refer to it as “enabling”–in other words, essentially the same thing, in that WE are taking care of someone else’s problems that RIGHTFULLY belong to THEM, not us.
I don’t think that makes us DEPENDENT on them, though we can become ADDICTED to them, but I don’t know that is always the case, so I just sum it up as doing for others what they should be doing for themselves—whatever our motive is.
Whether that is picking up your kids clothes out of the floor (assuming they are old enough to do so) or bailing your scum bag out of jail. The princlple is THE SAME. It is still ENABLING them to go on with their inappropriate behavior and WE take the consequences.
I think when we simplify our lives to look at WHAT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY vs What is YOUR responsibility, it is pretty easy to see where we are being “healthy” or not being healthy.
Sure the woman/man who bails the creep out of jail may RATIONALIZe that if they don’t bail them out, they will lose their job and the mortage won’t get paid, but….well, you get the idea.
I think any time we do for others whether the motive is “selflessness” or whether it is to try to ‘fix” them, giving toio much to others and not enough for ourselves is not good survival strategy.
Being a psychopath must have some “survival” strategy in the long haul, because look how many of them there are, and when the resources are limited they get theirs, no matter who else doesn’t, plus with the males especially, they spread their “seed” around that is for sure—along with STDs and so on.
You are a stronger woman than you may realize, so you keep on keeping on! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, you have the “net work” behind you as Verison says and we are a powerful network too! (((hugs)))