Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
Cat,
Thanks for the hug! Some days I really do need those hugs.
You know some folks aren’t just wearing the rose colored glasses….In some people the denial runs so deep, they will never “see” even when it is knocking right at THEIR door.
I think we have all experienced denial in different degrees….It kind of goes along with the territory of experience with an S/P/N. Alcoholism and other addictions within a family also creates alot of denial.
But your message from your mom was CLASSIC!
The man who just got out of jail needs to “mind his manners” and send thank you notes….OMG.
Many years ago my MIL stood on my porch and told me that her son (my husband) NEVER had a drinking problem until he met ME. I asked her about his previous DUI’s (way before I met him) She ignored my question but then SAID,
“when he moved out of our house we found 50 empty vodka bottles in his bedroom”. Hmm, no drinking problem……???
OMG, why would she even say this to me if she is trying to convince me he doesn’t have a problem?
This is way over the top denial. And to this day she says her son never had a drinking problem.
He commited suicide in her house, there was an empty vodka bottle, next to him, the police report included the high alcohol level found in him…….Yet she denies all of it. He was sober when he died.
If I didn’t know this woman, I would not have ever realized how deep denial can really be.
Dear Wits,
Well, let’s see, your son is going to california, and he don’t need no stinking education, that is for ordinary people…he’s going to be rich and successful, he’s got a plan….
And, oh, my P son is gonna get out of prison and come up here to the farm to live on his grandmother’s money for a while, but then when the old bat dies (of some kind of accident where she falls and hits her head no doubt) he will have all that money to buy falshy cars and find really good looking chicks and can probably come up with some kind of thing that will make him filthy wealthy like his P-grandfather, my sperm donor, and life will be GRAND and women will just be falling all over him, even if he has spent his total adult life in prison and is no longer a “good looking young man” but a rode-hard and put up wet kind of bald guy with a tough swagger and a very foul mouth.
Denial runs both ways, the victims are in denial, but the psychopaths and disordered personalities are ALSO in denial. They dream up a fantasy and becasue they can dream it, they just know it will WORK even though there is NO evidence that such a thing is any more possible than for my jack asses to fly to the moon.
GO FIGURE!
Oxy….I believe your post above was directed to Bananna…..
You addressed it to me!
Wit, I hear you and you are most welcome! Anytime. We all need a hug now and then.
Yes, isn’t that just a HOOT?!? Like I’m in charge of family etiquette…? I rarely SEE my family!
It’s sad, but so many, like your MIL are like that. What they never get is that THEY are now part of the problem. She enabled him with her denial. (I did exactly the same for a very long time.) So much for her ever wearing those glasses.. How sad that he died right there. I think that maybe you needed to see this, and now share it, so that all of us can see how deep denial goes.
I’ve asked questions, such as you did, and had them glossed over. It’s like I never even asked. That’s complete, total denial and I’ve come to believe it affects the ears as well as the eyes. I feel it’s all part of the hyper vigilance and PTSD as well. We become so hypersensitive to what others are doing and saying, we lose all perception. I know I did.
My father is one who gets exactly what my ex is about. He was NOT in favor of getting him out of jail and if that happened, he was trying to get him to leave the state. My father was a cop and in intelligence with the Air Force for many years. He knows the ropes and he knows what he sees. My mother and sisters are a different story and that’s where the rubber meets the road. I pick and choose who I communicate with in my family and now, anyone can see why…STILL ROFLMAO…OOPS, IT FELL OFF AGAIN!
OXY:
Do you think denial is the same as fantasy?
I’m thinking denial is a way of life……a thought process….
Fantasy may be a willfull belief in the untrue, impossible, unbelievable or probable.
BTW….when are the asses departing for the moon, you might want to sell tickets?
Yea, DUH! I saw that after it was posted. LOL I was looking at your post to her and then just put your name in. Now you know why I RETIRED, if I was giving out medications I would have given hers to you! A mind is a bad thing to waste—if you have one, and I am obviously losing what I had
! LOL Thanks!
Erin,
We sort of posted over each other there– to answer your question I think DENIAL is a sort of way to maintain the fantasy. Whether it is the victim denying that the abuser isn’t going to get better (maintains the fantasy that they love the victm) or if it is the abuser’s DENIAL that he isn’t going to get what he wants (whatever that is) with force.
I dont think denial and fantasy are the same thing, but it is ONLY with DENIAL that you can maintain whatever FANTASY you are trying to maintain.
Short term, denial is good…like a sudden death you deny when you are told “Oh, it couldn’t bee, I just saw him this morning” it is a protective emotion to keep us from having TOO MUCH bad information at once, LIke you can eat an entire elephant, just one bite at a time.
LONG TERM denial though is a failure, a refusal to ACCEPT what is obvioius.
It is denying the truth that you know. “OH, I don’t have to study for that test, I can pass any way”—then going to the party instead of studying, then the consequences, flunk the test. Then deny that education is important, “I’m so smart I reallydont’ need and eeucation” Can’t get a job, because of no education “They are discriminating against me, I could do that job if they would just give me a chance, it is all their rotten selfish fault.”
“I need to send money to my P grandson in prison and leave him money in my will because he needs a chance to reform when he gets out, I don’t really belive he tried to have Oxy killed, I think it was just the Trojan Horse P and the DIL that dreamed that up, my grandson loves me and I want him to come home and have a good life.” Ignoring all the PROOF that my P son DID try to hve me killed, but she “doesn’t want to believe that” so she doesn’t. No amount of evidence could convince her of the truth.
I heard our Ex AR gov last night on the news. His record of releasing prisoners for “a second chance” has not been good. He released one rapist who raped and killed again, I said yesterday it was only a month after he was released, I correct myself, Wayne Dumond was out 11 months before he raped and killed the victim this time.
The guy in Washington was a perfect example of someoone who should NOT have been let out, but the gov blames the parole board, but several articles said that the members of the board were PRESSURED by the gov to approve the parole after the gov commuted his sentence, So the gov has “deniability” and the parole board has “deniability”
Huckabee released over twice as many convicts as other governors. Even Cllinton.
ErinBrock,
Denial is different than fantasy. The brain is a such a complicated thing.
It was explained to me once. BUT we ALL know how good I am with words! (NOT) I will do my best.
Denial begins almost like a defense mechanism. Stuff that we can’t accept or is to painful to face. By denying something that is painful even exist we don’t have to deal with it.
Denial can be kind of a proccess. We get little tid bits of information that we don’t want to believe right away. So initially it is protecting us. But as more information is presented to us we start to see the cold hard truth. And we can begin to move out of denial and into the reality of the situation.
The depths that denial can go are beyond my understanding.
I have to laugh….During the course of typing this my phone rang and it was my MIL. (she rarely calls me) AND she is the classic example of being in the depths of denial.
I’m sure you can guess whom she chooses to be in denial about now….You got it her grandson….OMG, my heart is racing from a few minute phone conversation….
She just can NOT understand why her granson isn’t taking drivers ed? I am standing in his way of getting a drivers licence.
I tried to explain how he might take drivers ed if he would accept responsibility in school and EVEN begin to understand that the rules DO APPLY to him, just as they do for the other students.
I explained to her that if the rules don’t apply to him (in any aspect of his life so far) isn’t that kind of scarey letting him drive a car? She didn’t get it. Imagine that?
I believe early research was done on denial in the form of addictions. Because it is a common in addicts and their extended family.
Oxy,
Its ok that you posted to Erin instead of Bananna. Yesterday I posted to myself……As henry can attest to.
Cat,
It is really good that someone in your family does see the reality of the situation. Your dad having been a cop is even better yet. He has seen alot, I’m sure in that line of work.
I think it really helps to have a close friend or a family member that “gets it”. It helps to be able to talk to a “live” person sometimes….I think it keeps us grounded when sometimes we are reeling from the non reality the S/P/Ns bring into our lives.
How does he deal with your mom and sister?