Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
I look back on 2 times when I was targeted by a sociopath or narcissist, and realize that I came across as histrionic to dispassionate observers. I was idealistic and naive, and I’d never heard of a cluster B personality disorder before. My cluelessness made me a very easy victim.
Thankfully, the third time I got fed up and cut ties with a sociopath, I was a lot calmer. I knew the drill, and I knew that my appearing histrionic could only play to the strengths of my enemy. Because I stayed cool this last time, and exercised every legal right I had to distance and protect myself, I came out of the situation much faster and much better off than I had in the past. Staying “reasonable” made all the difference.
One apparently histrionic member of our family recently parted company with a borderline personality disordered member of the family. To my amazement, the “histrionic” is actually a reasonable human being. Who knew?
I should have known. Cluster Bs make their targets nuts, usually to the point of thinking and behaving in self-defeating ways. I had been there, and should have given her the benefit of the doubt long ago.
I’m glad she’s recovering so quickly from her trauma. She’s a remarkable woman, and I’m glad she’s so resilient. She’s got really good coping skills, and her calming presence in our family is invaluable.
In the space of 3 months my family has had a home burn down, added a family member, had a child recover from a deadly illness, a beloved matriarch hospitalized for mersa and unexpectedly lost a beloved patriarch. (There’s more. It’s been crazy.)
We’re fine. It’s OK. We know how to cope now.
Some of the skills that helped us are described in this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Survivor-Personality-Stronger-Skillful-Difficulties/dp/0399522301#noop
These skills are also helpful in dealing with the fallout of ending a relationship with a cluster B. If you’re serious about surviving your trauma and reaching the point of thriving, learning these skills is a good place to start.
PTSD, lessons from the field. Part 7
so, on the way to return the gas guzzling car to the rental company, i stop at this nice little produce place that carries great cheese. i am in the back corner or the store, furthest from the door, bent way down to compare a couple of spanish cheeses, when i become aware……
2 senses at once. sight and sound kick in. i hear this little sound, this little exhalation of air. i am looking at the floor to my right and see a foot in a supportive brace.
i know without moving or looking beyond the toes, that IT IS MY FATHER. i turn to the left without straigtening up, without looking to the right, and leave the store. only mild anxiety a couple of times on the way out of the store. i scan the lot and see his car…parked very close to mine. i get in and high tail it out of there.
i was pretty good, really good actually, EXCEPT i couldn’t remember where the car place was. calling ptsd!!! it took me a few minutes to get reoriented. but i went on to spend the day waterside with a friend. we talked about a lot of things. she doesn’t know about the spath, but i talked about having had a bad experience with someone and that it has affected me. at the end of the day i spoke about my dad…about his narcissism, abandonment of me and his stealing money from me. it feels good. i have a smile on my face tonight.
woo hoo.
i go for more nuerofeedback today. It’s making a big difference. i bounced back FAST from seeing my dad.
this expereince was a really good example of mind body spirit working in harmony – responding quite naturally to ‘hell no!’.
hey good for you! YOU ARE IN CHARGE! you can hide, duck dive, confront, say no, do wheelies in the car park… whatever gets you through the night…it’s alright…it’s alright! happy for you and thinking of you, good luck with neurofeedback..x
True to your handle, you certainly are taking it one_step_at_a_time…and with Grace. Getting help is a sign of strength. Knowing when to get it is a sign of wisdom. Character provides the first and experience the latter…
I’m guessing many of us would consider trading our experiences for inner peace…I think most of us wouldn’t find it without them!
Namaste!
Duped
One step,
Really proud of how you responded to knowing your dad was in the store with you. It’s like you knew without even looking, that it was him.
The end of your post said “woo hoo”, those words are completely beautiful. I feel joy knowing that you’re smiling!
bp, duped, hope4joy – thank you! for your lovely words. how wonderful! 🙂
the ptsd shrink says that most people stabilize around 10 visits; that a ‘container’ is built for the deeper work. she expects that flashbacks etc. will come stronger once i go deeper. that’s okay; i will know what’s happening. it will be about 7 more weeks. that’s good, it gives me time to stabilize in my new job also, before the poo flies. 🙂
we did my session outdoors today – she had her dog with her. she doesn’t even question my need to be away from dog/ not in her slightly poor air office. she just rolls with it in a matter of fact way.
i have never had a crush on any professional, but i will have to work hard not to ask this woman out. she’s just so SANE. (and she drives heavy horses….amongst other things i find damn attractive.)
note to self: do NOT ask the ptsd shrink on a date. okay, say that again… 😉
one_step_at_a_time
it’s nice to find someone attractive, something to look forward to, something to savour, enjoy…experience… she must be a nice person and of course the blood still flows and you still have alot of living to do…in time.
For now it’s about that container building up…trust….faith…to descend deeper…can she drive the heavy horses within you?…with you…assisting witnessing acknowledging…brilliant. It is just what you need to do..bang on in my opinion. …NO Don’t ask her on a date…that’s going to intefere with the work…you actually need her in a much more intimate way than a date…you need to trust her and it needs to be safe…. if you have somewhere to let your feelings out about the shrink (like here with us) you can go back to her in a more neutral state….you are doing so well…
My cat is full recovered and back to normal plus…last night she woke me up…talking in her sleep…yes TALKING in her sleep….it was hilarious and freaky. Her little voice wasn’t meeowing…it was kind of chattering and tiny little mews and trills and a few chirps…I swear to God it was like she was having a cat conversation with someone, I’ve never heard such a complex variety of sounds…she is one weird cat…the kind that stares at a spot in the room like she is having a vision, an epiphany…but since her illness she has got more weird!! I love her so much..my little weird cat! she is my shrink at the moment, a very strange one!!
Yay! keep talking….x
bp – one of my cats had a complex set of ‘chitters’ in response to birds…and janis joplin. did they give your cat an anesthetic? (thinking about organic reasons for increased strangeness) or maybe she was traumatized by the collar.
the ptsd shrink would lose her license if she went out with me – it’s not a paradigm that she could be in, even if she wanted to. 😉 but yah, am a little stunned by how freaking sane and grounded she is. goood model for me. i am so used to people not being quite present/ able to acknowledge feelings/ responding to me in an even, balanced, good humoured way. she actually LISTENS and RESPONDS. she doesn’t run, or hide or give me the stunned deer look. she just responds. well, that says a lot about what my life has become. we are not doing talk therapy. only the neurofeedback – but we chat a bit when i tell her the shifts i am experiencing.
last night i told her about holding people accountable and this has really come up in the last week in conversations with people. and i said that i was quite willing to let people go, if they couldn’t deal with me, or weren’t going to be accountable for their actions. she said she didn’t hear ‘quite willing’, but ‘accepting’ or ‘resignation’, and that ‘quite willing’ made me sound callous. woa. emotional witnessing AND social feedback. wow. awesomeness.
i have been asking her questions about herself – basic stuff. fist, did she grow up here (her name is the same, and unusual as some kids i was around when i was very young). then i mentioned where my field is, and she said she had a friend out that way…that friend’s family and especially her brother were very much in our lives when we were on the farm.
we have stringent laws and accepted protocol here for these Dr/patient roles – and sharing personal info isn’t in the paradigm. i don’t think she is going over boundaries, certainly not mine. she is reflecting things back to me – either actively or passively. and i am blown away by my the ‘realness’ of the whole thing.
the neurofeedback machine is showing really high registers in the pain and trauma areas. that in itself is very validating.
okay, off to work.
no it wasn’t not a chatter response to birds…I woke up to it…it was like a little conversation..nearly words!! think of a tiny little voice (very cute) yibble yibble eew bibbly bibble……it may well be a trauma release, from the collar!
yes we have ethical guidelines here….but I have seen those broken more often than not unfortunately. If the therapeutic space is not confidential and “un contaminated” then therapy is a joke. But you can tell her how you feel as part of the therapy…hehe…the neurofeedback your saying isnt talk therapy…so what is it? feel free to tell me to mind my own business of course…you are in charge….yay!