Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
Dear velveeta,
I was writing and we posted over each other. Welcome to LF and I am glad tha tyou are here reading.
“Time”? “How long?” As long as it takes is all I can say, but don’t expect it to be over in a couple of weeks , or a couple of months. the effects of the cumulative stress you have been under takes tiem to resolve and as I said to the poster above, BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Keep on reading, learn and the more you learn the better equipped you are to help yourself heal.
Knowledge is power and we have to take back our power. Knowing that we are NOT alone in this, not isolated floating on an iceberg in the northern sea, that there are people who have experienced much what we have helps. Keep on reading. I am sorry that you “qualify’ to be in our “club” but it is a great group of supportive people in all stages of healing and each of us will extend a hand to you. God bless.
Velveeta – Cheese always get my attention. PTSD is not something that goes away.. on a certain day or time frame. You have ptsd because something has happened to you that will change you forever. Please read and learn. Knowledge is power. I recommend ‘Meaning from Madness’ by Richard Skerritt – welcome..the simple fact that you found this place and know that something has to change is a big step towards your healing – you have to learn it away, if that makes any sense.
Duped:
“Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.”
So true. Like you, I grew up in a madhouse. I know understand that I was suffering from PTSD from a fairly early age. But, the hyper-vigilence kept me from being murdered at the hands of two volatile parents (S father and malignant N mother). Unfortunately, living with the throttle open all the way became the norm. And like you, living like that at times has worked to my detriment.
Mix that in with my putting everybody’s needs ahead of my own, and it is a miracle I managed to keep the show going as long as I did.
Like you, I now ask if I am reacting to a situation because it is required or because I am driven to. IN addition, rather than being the perpetual motion machine that hyper-vigilence forced me into at such an early age, I can, if I don’t know the answer to something, say “I don’t know” and take a wait-and-see position. I’m a lot happier because, bottom line, I am finally taking care of myself.
Excellent article. Thanks for the contribution.
Question, I dont want to give his family my new address, I feel they are cold cruel people especially to me, but they seem to think since they have a grandchild I owe them that, they have seen my child a total of 3 times because I did try but they refuse to acknowledge the P and keep up the facade that he the P is just an alcoholic, as far as I am concerned I do not owe them anything, as far back as I can remember I did not want the P or his family in my life and they pursued me???? ugggghghghghhghgh keep your dam christmas presents…
Spirit40:
Legally speaking, grandparents have no rights vis-a-vis a grandchild as long as both parents are alive. Generally, where courts acknowledge grandparent rights arises where a parent is dead and the surviving parent refuses to permit the deceased spouse’s parents to have contact with the child.
Without knowing the facts of your situation, would there be a tactical reason for you to maintain some kind of contact with your child’s grandparents? I’m thinking along the lines that since they have no relationship with their son, could you leverage this to your advantage so that if he starts something in the future, you could use them as allies, or if not as allies, a source of information so you can keep tabs on the S? Just a thought.
I am still figuring out how to blog. Can’t say I have ever done this before. Thanks OxDrover for responding and I have read innumerable posts by you throughout this site. Thank you also Henry for your “cheesy” comment. That made me smile.
So what I am figuring is that if you post a comment on here, and not necessarily in a blog from a few months ago which has been helpful to you, that people follow that thread and respond. Is there a way to find recent posts without clicking through to all the different categories? Please excuse my lack of savvy in this regard.
I am not without resolve. I only became completely aware of what was wrong with the person that brought me to this site until this past summer. I knew something was egrigiously wrong with him, but of course he explained it away with “PTSD” and crocidile tears. He is ex-military and brandishes and threatens people with weapons. Always behind closed doors. Unfortunately, my natural essence of caring, forgiving and nurturing — the kindred spirit that I am is what made me his target. I have never seen the face of evil like this before. That is not to say that I have not experienced things that most don’t comprehend. Being molested as a child, raped as a young woman, probably (with hindsight which is always 20/20) parented by an NPD. As I understand it, these things will set you up for a fall for this type of personality. This person of whom I speak is worse that my molester, rapist and parent, rolled up into one. It shook me to my core. Like the devil incarnate.
Velveeta mine is ex military as well and I am wondering if this is something to do with the ability to turn emotions off – it becomes a chicken and egg situation though – did they join the military because they were attracted to power and scary things or did the military bring out the cold and detached tendencies in them?
I know he spoke of training as rather traumatic and he said he had multiple ‘vaccinations’ that he didn’t know what they were. Is it possible a drug could obliterate empathy? It brings to mind Jacobs Ladder I think where military personnell were given a drug to make them more violent but it turned them into animals who turned on their platoon mates – not sure if Jacob’s ladder is the right reference. Does anyone else know of this????
Yes you are dead right Velveeta that we are set up from childhood for the fall with the S or P. Like you I was emotionally abused through a self centred parent (with no mediating influence around as Dad left early on), was raped and went through numerous other trials before meeting him. I was ripe for believing his fairytale of happiness.
And yes like you he was the worst of all abusers – he was the most evil thing I ever experienced and took me on a trip to my own personal hell. I am sorry you are here but glad you found this group = it gives so much validation just to have other people say “The same thing happened to me”. The abusers would have us believe we are alone in the world and it is all in our imagination. I BELIEVE YOU!!!! I KNOW YOU”RE TELLING THE TRUTH!!
Newer posts are up on the left hand side of the page or you can go to the home page to see the most recent posts and yes then you just comment. There are guidelines for commenting midway on the left side menu – keep yourself safe 🙂
First I want to thank everyone who’s contributed to this thread. Writing the posted letter was cathartic. Getting even a small piece of my nightmare out in print and acknowledged is a great relief. Thanks for appreciating the craftsmanship and participating!
Having said that…and prefacing that I am but a layman in the science and art of psychology”I’d like to address some content.
PTSD is a disorder that can have a myriad of symptoms; none which should be overlooked and all having the best outlook when recovery includes the partnership with a trained professional. My letter was to bring to light “hyper vigilance”, which is but one. It spawns from anxiety, which is AFFECTIVE in that we feel it.
Anxiety is what makes us feel that lump in our chest, mind racing, heart rate out the roof, sweaty palms, sweaty everything, difficulty breathing, difficulty sleeping, intense dreams or some milder or stronger biological reaction to stress. It is often the precursor to “hyper vigilance” which is behavioral in that it is marked by our reactions and/or actions as a result of intense fear and/or helplessness.
During peak PTSD episodes, we are not in control of what we feel. We can moderate with exercise, diet, yoga, meditation, biofeedback and the like. All extremely useful tools for coping and moderating our intense feelings. However, if we could control them, we’d all be healed instantly with a thought and this site wouldn’t exist. Hyper vigilance, since it is BEHAVIORAL in nature, is something we can control. It’s about our actions”and ACTIONS ARE SOMETHING WE CAN AND MUST OWN UP TO.
So, while the S or N has created an environment responsible for our PTSD, the root cause of many cases of anxiety, they are not responsible for how we act. WHEN WE GIVE UP TAKING CONTROL OF OUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS, WE EMPOWER THE S OR N.
It is not easy to separate the two; feelings of anxiety and how we act upon them. The incident I shared in my letter (one of many) will be three years old on December 8th (but who’s counting 😉 )and I still have to exert considerable effort to separate the two. I do believe, however, it’s this ability that has given me the greatest sense of freedom from the captivity of PTSD. AWARENESS that these are two different things (anxiety ”“ feelings, hyper vigilance – actions) IS EMPOWERING . We cope with one and have the power to control the other.
Pauses and discipline better influence outcomes. Namaste
Duped
Yes velveeta – I had similar childhood experinces as you. Very toxic mother, molesters, all of it, a life time of it and nothing, nothing was like the three year relationship from hell with the evil one.
Thank you pollyannanomore for the affirmation — you belive me. Trust me I needed that.
I don’t think for a minute that (in my own experience) it had to do with training or vaccinations or what happened to him in my case. I believe our men and women now in Iraq and Afghanistan could say that. My heart bleeds for all of them. If we could only stop all this insanity. I listened to my particular guy’s stories about peacekeeping in Bosnia and believed his PTSD stories, tried to help him, yet there was an underlying personality disorder that became so evident that it could not be denied. He is the type that would torture something and actually get off on seeing them squirm. It was scary. I felt like I was looking into a void. The mask would fall and I would see that I was loving and caring for an absolute animal. The type that would do inhuman things. Can this be trained into people. I hope not. If that is what the military does then God help us all.