Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
One Step, I HATE the heat! Yes, my whole body swells in the heat. I go to SW FL to see family, and the clothes I bring don’t fit…so uncomfortable. Think I’ll just bring some fabric squares and sew the arms into them next time…
In regards to Hens, I think you are talking about a Degree? I have one from UF in Landscape Architecture. It was a lot of fun, and we had a blast in the 80’s and early 90s, when the economy was booming. I don’t know how things are these days in that field…
Hens, I hear you! Not having worked in so long, and being totally overqualified for anything around here, I went back to school for Fashion Design. (Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I’m a gay man in a feminine woman’s body!!! Hahaha!!!) I did do a lot of “research” while not working, and decided that it would be best to cater to the people who “run the machine” here in this town- a resort town: Ladies who lunch and shop while their husbands golf.
I hate to place “blame” for not getting started last year when the S/P came along, but I can honestly say that every time I got myself up and going and determined to launch, he would treat me badly— and of course I would be in DESPAIR, which made it impossible to do much of anything. It just kills all your joy, hope, love of life, ambition… everything. Just getting out of bed was a challenge.
So glad that I am finally fighting back though. I have gotten to the anger and “revenge” stage, but my revenge is going to be SUCCESSSSSS!!!!! It’ll be difficult, but I can do all-nighters like I did years ago. I want him to see just how GREAT I am doing WITHOUT HIM!!!!!
As my grandmother used to say, “Pick a peck of pickled peckers.” Errr, uh, no, she said, “Peppers.”!!!!!!!!!!!
sageegirl – are you sure she didn’t say pick a peck of pickled poo?
a peck of pickled peppers peter piper picked…..one I dont qualify for and schooling, not quite enuff Indian, I just needed one more feather and I could of gotten lots of services….but I AM ok and I want to apologize for coming in and whining here so much….
hens – baby, you have to STOP APOLOGIZING for having feelings. Really. You deserve the space to talk and work through or vent.
xo one step who doesn’t have enough damn feathers either.
Hens, I actually thought about that doo-something while I was doing the dishes…but nothing….. I totally forgot about Peter Piper… I wouldn’t make a very good grandma, would I?????
I agree with One Step. Where’s Oxy when you need to borrow the skillet? No more apologies for your feelings. And I didn’t qualify for one red cent of financial aid, so I spent a fortune for that degree. I would hate to have to lie on a job application to work at McD’s…especially because I’d have to drive 40 minutes to get there!!!
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper’s -a peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked – if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
stolen and badly used by a spath.
i had some good news today. i was talking about suing my dad with someone and he had a brilliant idea, and has given me a name of a lawyer in our network (the brilliant professional colleague and i are involved in a project together) to run it past.
i was saying that my dad’s lawyer is so smooth she could charm the hide of a snake. she is also a family friend,tough as nails, and has been practicing law longer than i have been alive. going up against her saddens and scares me. so, oh brilliant friend suggests that i go to her for some legal advice about something – pay her, and then it is a conflict of interest if she reps. him. ahhhaaaahha. brilliant! so, i will check it out.
so quiet here tonight, everyone must be melting. my computer keeps overheating the last two days. the temp just dropped here – usually does around 1030 at night, when the sea breeze picks up. looking forward to sleep now that it has cooled.
thats some deep chit 1step – sure you want to take that on? I wouldnt waste my time and money, but that is just me speaking, really dont know the situation with your dad – I wish I could sue my mother for my life that she f==ked up, and my dad for all the abuse, but he is passed away – seems like I am remembering the good moments with them more so than the bad..but I am victorious just by staying no contact with the mother – so very sad…I just dont want to harbour any hate for them.. too long too late.
hens – when i can do it, i will. he has stolen my inheritance form my grandfather. it is not huge, but it is enough to either buy a small house or go to college. i spoke with a lawyer about it a couple of years ago. she was willing to work on contingency. she said it was very clear that he had been in contravention of the trust agreement from the get go. i have been dealing the my n dad about this chit for 10 years already. 2 years (the lawyer figures it would take that long to get the money) would be hard, but it’s gone on so long.
now that i am nc with him hens, i will never see a cent of the inheritance that he said would come my way. might as well go for what is legally mine. i won’t do this until i am strong enough – probably at least a year. but i can start planning and putting the pieces in place. it’s been a huge shift to come to doing this.
i really struggle with the good/ bad memory paradigm. i really loved a lot of my childhood – because of the farm and the animals. my family life became more and more dysfunctional as time went on, it was bad by the time i was 12, but I think it has hit its apex in the last 3 years.
i have bad history with my grandfather – he’s dead, and i don’t have any time for hate with him. my sis, well she is just sooo messed up, i can’t even tell if she is n like dad, she is so messed up. she’s way too much work – i went nc with her late last summer.
mom is ill and dad’s an n. my hope, is that i can stop cursing his life whenever i say his name.
i really have to out spath him, when i go forward. so takng a long time to build up to it is a very good thing. it’s going to shake my deep family, take shit and suffer training to stand up for myself with him.