Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
Well Henry. Just as a general reference because I have not followed your posts, your are a man? And a woman did these horrible things to you? Or just your parents?
velveeta and pollyannanomore,
My ex, although not really ex military (as he was thrown out for mental health reasons 4 months into his tour of duty) was recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD. After thorough research into the subject, it appears that C-PTSD patients have nearly identical symptoms and traits as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), with the exception that C-PTSD patience have a documentable trauma that caused the disorder where as the BPDs just turn out that way with no known origin.
BPD has historically been considered a female disorder while the male counter is Sociopath. Since it is hard to accept someone who hasn’t chopped people into pieces and distributed them across country as a Sociopath, it appears there is this nice new label for men with BPD, Complex PTSD.
The fact of the matter is, no matter how hard you work to figure out why they are what they are, it won’t change who they are and what they did to you and will most likely do to others, given the chance. Most constructively, the emphasis on why you were attracted and how you can prevent being attracted (or for some stop being attracted to the existing problem person) would be your best effort.
Being incredibly nice and easy going is a survival mechanism that’s easy to bolster and justify. Who could possibly find something wrong with THAT?
Growing up with mentally or morally unstable people causes codependencies. As with living with an alcoholic or drug addict, one learns to adapt their own behaviors and expectations accordingly to survive and attempt to thrive. Inappropriate behaviors can seem normal when it’s all you know. Radars don’t fire and alarms don’t go off. Love has bizarre boundaries, if any.
Sound familiar?
Matt,
Ahhhh”. ““I don’t know” and take a wait-and-see position”….so incredibly challenging but what a relief! It’s amazing how the Universe provides when you don’t force your own will all the time.
The real challenge, knowing when and when not too!
A kindred spirit
Dear Duped,
You are one savy lady! I applaud your knowledge and your willingness to share what you have learned! TOWANDA for you!!!!
Velveeta, yes my X-BF-P blamed his problems on PTSD from viet nam and boy could he cry and say how horrible it was, but you know, I have NO confidence that any of his stories were true. I know several men (him and a couple of others) who admit they faked their PTSD to get pensions for their “disabilities”—funny thing though, unless they are using it for an excuse for something nasty they have done, there doesn’t seem to be any “disability’ from their PTSD or other symptoms of it. LOL Can we say CON JOB? Stargazer’s x bf military creep was faking a physical disability, but fortunately she got the army on to him. GOOD JOB STAR!
It chaps my cookies that soldiers who do come back with genuine PTSD are not treated as well as they should be because of all the quack jobs that FAKE it and use up mjilitary medical for their phony disabilities.
Velveeta, sweetie, you have looked into the face of SATAN, as have most of us, and it is a scary thing to realize and to SEE the TRUE EVIL that can be contained within a human body. Unless you have seen it, it is very difficult to comprehend. Who would NOT be traumatized by seeing into that depth of evil? I’m glad you found your way here, there are some awesome folks here who know what you saw, and the whole group stands together like a group of one legged people all holding on so that together we can stand upright! God bless.
Oh My – Velveeta – I am a gay man. My mother is the narcissist. My life would read like a stephen king novel. The sociopath in my life was a male. I had been single twenty + years when he tripped and fell in my lap. I unknowingly volunteered to be his victim. I lost over twenty pounds from the experience. My two son’s (yes I was married at a very young age) almost did an intervention because of my physical and mental state caused by the sociopath. I am not good with words, can’t express myself like so many eloquent people here, but the sociopath was like the last straw on the camels back, my back. I had no choice but to look deep into my past, I had pull out all that trash I had kept swept under the rug. I had to examine it, deal with it, acknowledge it. So in a way the spath did me a favor…The Truth Will Set You Free – But First it Will PISS You Off – This has been a Life Lesson – velveeta please listen to me – The PTSD you are experiencing is not all about your X – it is about you…that does not mean he is not to blame for bringing you to a fetal position on the floor, YES he is Evil – but the work you have to do is on you – dont waste another minute on him……..
And to you, OxDrover 🙂
Dear Duped:
The question is: with a true sociopath/NPD/psychopath whatever you want to call it (and until you have read some of the material on this site and others and with true introspect and hindsight), can anyone really tell? Do you distrust everyone and everything because you have had some bad experiiences in life? You believe you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off and are willing and able to trust and believe in people. The reality is that we think we are safe here in North America because people are “civilized” but perhaps that is not true. It is the bleed-over effect, it permeates everything and everyone. None of us is immune to this. What our military people saw and experienced “over there” is in reality what we are experiencing here. It comes down to a “frame of reference.” When he talked about what he saw and experienced, I knew that I had seen and felt the same. I could relate. But I am not evil. Maybe it is that simple?
Oh Henry!
I had to say that.
I understand what you are saying. I am a wreck but not in the fetal position (yet). The problem is that this man has threatened to shoot me and my entire family in the head and when he (by happenstance???) is at the gas station when I am filling my car up with gas — he is lurking over to the side — I see this with my peripheral vision – I feel it — I look away knowing that he is watching me and continue with my gas — and then he drives directly in front of me and snears and grins at me — I am afraid that he will shoot all of us. I don’t react or acknowledge I just know what he is capable of and that I could be the next headline in the newspaper.
velveeta,
It’s not about trusting others, it’s about trusting yourself. It’s allowing belief to be a byproduct of direct experience not the stories of others and taking the time to discern between the two. That helps with detecting evil and not becoming prey…and building a past that enables you to trust yourself…for the first time or again.
No one is condemning or judging you because you went where you did. We’re just trying to help you sort out the junk so you can move forward. If you oversimplify your experience, you MAY find yourself stuck in a rut.
We’ve all been there, or somewhere near, once…or twice…or more…or we wouldn’t be on this site. The question is, how do you get off?
I’m still here…
Duped~
Your post is what I have failed to be able to put into words….
We do become hyper vigilant and we do lose balance or our perifrial vision. We become so focused on the whats/whys that there is so much that we miss or over work in our battles.
We think we can control ALL aspects of everything. We can not! We must remain in control…..but know when to fold em, or walk away.
This is a lesson I learned through being sick, divorcing a S and fighting for my kids when they were kidnapped.
We can live well, do our due dilegence and be certain we are making the best decisions…….then BAM…..a cancer diagnosis, filing for divorce and kids disappear…..so what do ya do with that?
Well……you DON”T crumble! You sit in the recliner and ponder…..WTF do I do now…..ask yourself…..can I change any of this……and start putting one foot in front of the other…..and HAVE FAITH!
I really do believe, and it has been proven in my own life to me……..you just CAN”T fit a square peg in a round hole. You gotta listen to your gut, your brain AND your heart…….move in the right direction and then…..let it go…..let it float into the universe……it’ll come back in the form it will, the way it should and the way it needs to.
It all works out the way it should.
This was my lesson on life….sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we want…..but it always works out the way it should.
Like your drug test……sometimes we push too hard and make mistakes (not checking results, even though you KNEW YOU didn’t do drugs) You didn’t look outside the ‘box’ at the possible.
It is the balance, the gut, the knowing the situation and having faith in the whatever happens will happen faith that we lose sight of.
It’s very hard to fight, be in the negative and keep faith in our own abilities to keep going in the right direction.
Sometimes we get derailed…..
BUT…..it’s imperative we keep focused on the ‘prize’….and WHAT we are doing to get there. Each step….DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS…
NEVER ASSUME!!!
Thanks for the article Duped……Oh, the lessons we learn~