Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
If I could say just one thing to all the people wondering if it’s them…I kept this weight on my back for years…..till I finally I realized–hey, this is not my problem and I am handing it back to the one whose problem it is-the P! And I walked. It’s been a long hard journey…but it is not our fault or our problem. These people have deep internal demons that we do not know about and they are “driven to do evil”. It really is that simple. We love flowers, life, truth and beautiful things….they love dark, lies, battered, death, perversion etc….think about it.
Many many thanks for your care Henry and Velveeta and Twice Betrayed – I really need it tonight. Sometimes I feel so strong and I think ‘he won’t beat me – my life will be better’. And other times I feel small as a mouse. It is hard to contemplate this journey ahead – like quitting smoking – one day at a time. So I just have to get through today and tomorrow will be a little better,
I know it is our truth and light they are attracted by. I am huge on truth – not just not lying but expressing one’s truth moment by moment honestly and reverently. So he wanted to own that light. My work too involves empathy, caretaking, love – super empathic. That’s how I was so responsive to his cues and non verbal signs. I still blame myself to some degree though – I should have got out much quicker. I don’t blame myself for all the hurt – he did that. He abused me, he selected me as a target, but I should have recognised what he was doing quicker and got myself out of there,
Problem was by that point I was devalued and isolated – so who was I going to turn to? He had me convinced I was the one being abusive – that my depression had always been there and wasn’t caused by him. That my anger at him was not justified at all and was just any excuse to launch a personal attack on him. I see it all now in hindsight =- I so wish someone had named it for me.
Nobody had a clue what I was suffering – just that the marriage wasn’t good. Even counsellors didn’t ask about abuse. Why don’t people ask? I will ask the next woman I recognise in that state. I have held workshops on psych and emotional abuse – I am trying to raise awareness – it is so much more subtle than physical. I am not saying it is worse … emotional and psych always accompanies physical but I actually begged him to hit me because at the first hit I would have walked. We need to educate people that there are so many forms of violence. I didn’t realise a man could be dangerous in this way – he attacked my soul and shredded it.
In fact I DID ask the next woman I noticed the symptoms in and … she acknowledged it WAS abuse even though not physical and cried that I understood what she was going through and believed her. I hope she gets out but suspect she isn’t ready yet. She has kids with him and although she is paying for everything right now she doubts her abilities to do everything on her own. I remember that feeling and still have it. I don’t know what the answer is – certainly raising awareness is one thing but the resources aren’t there.
I called both numbers for a local battered womens shelter the other day looking for a name of a counsellor experienced in abuse situations. Both numbers rang for ages then switched to answerphone. It made me incredibly angry. Some woman at the end of her sanity musters up the courage to call and gets an answerphone! How does that give her any hope or support? (not being sexist – there are abused men out there but the shelters in my country are just for women and really just for those being physically abused). SO I gave up. And other women seeking help would give up too – not wanting to be more of a drain on already stretched services – that sucks – we have no safety net at all for the victims of predators.
Twice Betrayed – I am going to go look through the Bible again and definitely look for that Scott Peck book – anything from him is incredible. I found a community online last night called Ransomed Hearts – don’t know what they’re about but they seem to be good folk and reading their posts made me feel a little more faith that not all people are wolves and sharks.
How distant is everyone from their horror story? How many years? Mine is two yrs separated – one yr out of the house and one back in the house as a flatmate and about to split for good – ie in the next week or so.
Hugs to you good people – you didn’t deserve what happened. I am off to have some food 🙂 Feel a bit better – thanks so much@.......!
Polly: I can so relate to all you have said! Been there, done that. I found no help except thru this site with people who understand what we have been thru/what we are going thru. The level of deception these p’s inflict and produce is just not understood by most counselors. I found the book Women Who Love Psychopaths first and it became my refuge….people who finally understood how all this went down…and how these people try to destroy us. Really–I don’t bother talking about any of this to anyone but here on LF…because only those of us that have been thru this type of nightmare can understand.
Ha ha! Twice Betrayed I am on Amazon now trying to join up and thinking that is my best first bet – to create a small librarystarting with that very title. You are so so right about people not understanding – counsellors included, I even went to psychologists and priest – none of them recognised it because I was too low blubbing about ‘my b – my b’. And he just sat there. He also just sat there for three bloody years while a mental (no offence to mentally unwell people – hell I AM one! hahaha ) But this woman was MENTAL _ STALKER. She had apparently Obsessive compulsive but I also suspect Schizophrenia and Paranoid delusions.
She fancied the S and so started hating me and stalking me. He did nothing – she lived next door and made life a living hell – always screaming out abuse, accusations, threats. The family was weird – it was a state rental – low cost. I fought the organisation for three yrs to get them moved. He did nothing. Just sat and watched it. Occasionally filmed it – she was trying to get into the house when nobody home etc scary stuff/ So all this going on and f developing, extreme grief about b. And he abuses all the time. Incredible. A wonder I didn’t end up in nuthouse.
Thanks for saying you’ve been here and it gets better – it’s just been the most incredible pain. I can’t even describe the hell – you’re right. Nightmare.
In some ways I think we stop being effective because we’ve had to be effective the whole way through – putting out small fires and big, sorting out their problems, helping and encouraging them, completely looking after them, seeing to everything. I think we just burn out. So when the end come and we realise and have to get out we don’t have anymore energy left. And we’ve been focussed on them so long, we don’t know who we are anymore.
We so need worldwide therapists who can lead us through at a minimum a weekend workshop of intensive therapy. That’s a minimum. And if counsellors don’t really get it then maybe the net could be widened to facilitators – it needs to happen. This is so so so damaging. You just imagine at a guess how many women and men are crying their damned selves to sleep because of one of these monsters.
And you are right again – it is the deception – it truly wounds the soul in ways that cannot be named. Such an incredible injury. Many thanks for your company tonight TB and for sharing your pain and mine. This is what humanity feels like. I had almost forgotten.
Thanks MATT,
background my S, Narc, P wutever I call him, first he is adopted, I suspect one or both of his parents adoptive are narc, because of the abuse he suffered as a child and the way he treated me , and the little I know about them. Second the P is not on the birth certificate (wasnt around to sign it) legally where I was living I couldnt list him its a blessing in diguse because I was trying to all those drugs they gave me I was a little tipsy LOL ..
Third they have like he squirmed their way into our lives, I choose not to have them in our lives over 10 years ago..because I do go by my instincts and these people have not changed. They are cold to me but want at my child.
An email I rcvd from P’s family
Spirit,
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We haven’t heard from you, (insert my son’s name) or insert (his sons name the P ) for some time but hope that you are doing well…. How is your school going? I understand that you are getting close to graduating… Best of luck and I’m sure your glad to be close to finishing.
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(Insert P’s Sister name here ) mentioned that your landlord defaulted on his/her mortgage and that you are being forced to move. Sorry to hear it, particularly with the Holidays coming. Please let us know your new address… It would also be helpful to know if you and (my sons name again) have any special requests for Christmas. Also, if its for clothes please let us know sizes since we haven’t seen (my sons name ) in a nearly a year.
ÂÂ
Happy Thanksgiving
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ugggghhhhhh it just erks me can anyone else feel the Narc in this or is it just me ?
Wow! I’m late in responding to this one but what a sneaky thing to do! Yes, I learned about the famous pot brownies when I was a teen in highschool. Some kid baked a batched up in Home Ec class. The entire 1st floor of the school smelled of pot and the teachers didn’t have a clue! LOL! The Home Ec teacher and the entire class was stoned for hours! Some kids even freaked out because they didn’t understand why they felt so weird. The kid finally confessed in order to calm people down. The teacher laughed it off but told the student it had better never happen again and it didn’t. That certainly wouldn’t happen in today’s school system. Funny though, how things were less violent back then when boys were allowed to carry pocket knives and the schools had “smoke holes” for the students that smoked cigarettes. A different time, for sure.
I, too, am having horrible problems with sleeping! I’m nearly 3 years out of the nightmare and developed the sleeping problem around 3 months ago. I wake up after a couple of hours of sleep and can’t go back to sleep. One night, I took a xanax and a Lunesta hoping to get a full night’s rest. NOPE! Same thing! I’m totally sleep deprived and am getting very little accomplished these days because I’m exhausted. Does this madness EVER end?
Corections:
[line 1] state of mind
[3rd para] I had a mini stress breakdown. Please scroll a little down to the bit about Hypervigilence.
Thank you Lovefraud and all its educators.
In reference to the comments at the top of this thread – for those who are having trouble sleeping, you should also be careful about your sugar intake. This is especially important for those of us women who may be around change of life age.
I’ve found that sugar stays in my system for 8 hours. Also, the quantity of sugar consumed makes a difference – a little tiny bit and I can overcome it. Too much and I can’t sleep. And, the effect of sugar is cumulative throughout the day.
So, we have dessert – like a small serving of ice cream or half of a chocolate muffin – at lunch time. None after dinner.
Wow, you guys went til nearly “daylight” in my part of the country last night/this morning. Some pretty profound things guys, GOOD INFORMATION!
That little LF mini-marathon put out some great information! both in terms of validating each other’s feelings/emotions/symptoms, to the HOPE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, and guys, it isn’ t an “on coming train”–that is the LIGHT OF HEALING shining through that hole!!! Keep marching.
Donna, sugar does a number on lots of people. Thanks for pointing that one out as well.
I might also point out for those of you (us) who SNORE you might ALSO be dealing with sleep apnea which causes all kinds of mind-fuzzying and physical fatigue symptoms as well, so if you SNORE and also feel fatigued or sleep deprived getting checked out for Sleep apnea might be a good idea.
The physical, mental, emotional, etc. symptoms we encounter from the STRESS of the P-encounters (in most cases I think, CHRONIC STRESS) is like a geometric scale, each addition of another “problem” is TEN times then damage, not “Plus one” so that is why I think it is SO important to GET BACK TO BASICS with our care of ourselves. We must take care of ourselves in every way possible, even the tiny–little bitty—things.
Some one up above, I think it was polly or velveeta, said about doing good things for others etc.—I honestly think after the wounds, we need to focus ALL our attention on US (and our children if we have them) but quit trying to take care of anyone except us and our children, and if the children are big enough to hellp with that by self care, in many ways we need to have them lighten our load as much as possible.
I think we need to view the WOUNDS we have as SERIOUS wounds needing SERIOUS CARE, and we must be the leaders in getting and providing that care, doing whatever we can to see that we get it.
The MINOR DISTRACTIONS that the Ps use to keep us off balance so that we are unable to think well, focus well, etc. are frustrating. Here we are needing to sleep and heal, and instead we are going to the bank trying to salvage the money that they are trying to steal. It is a BIG “Catch 22” and they use it to their advantage. CHAOS!!!
Take care of YOU, is much easier said than done…but we have to do the best we can, and not beat ourselves over the rest that we can’t accomplish. The STRENGTH I am hearing each of you gain from the others is wonderful! KEEP IT UP! FEED OFF EACH OTHER’S STRENGTHS AND SUPPORT!!! It is MANNA in the wilderness of the chaos! Keep coming back to LF the manna is there every day! Depend on it! It will sustain you in your darkest hours! Boy, don’t I sound like a LF Televangelist!@....... LOL even with the remarkable HEALING that goes on here, healing of the soul, the spirit and the body!!!
This place IS a Godsend! ((((hugs))) and a big TOWANDA for you all!