Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
Duped, thanks for your post. Great stuff.
Sugar is a big problem for me too. If you want something to substitute try agave syrup. It has a lower glycemic index so it absorbs slower into your system.
Velveeta, they all have sniper stories. That’s called gaslighting. Granted, some really do try to kill you, like Oxy’s son tried, but most of them just like to fantasize and scare you. Mine said the same thing to a friend of his (about the sniper), but when my xP has actually killed people it was by arranging untraceable “accidents” in aircraft. So, I guess you have to judge the P’s limits by combining his IQ with his PCL-R score.
If he’s smart, he’ll be more devious when he kills, if he’s dumb he’s more likely to use a sniper rifle like the DC sniper did.
It feels unreal that normal people like us should even have to have discussions on how we are more likely to be killed: sniper or sabotage? F**K! But you know, that’s just life. I’ve accepted it. It’s part of my reality now. I realize that people in third world countries still have it worse. So I deal with it and move on. It’s still better to know the truth than to live with my head in the sand the way I used to.
hi Skylar:
Thanks. I only just realized and read about gaslighting this past summer. Before that, I just thought he was having PTSD flare-ups. Now I know without question that he is sane, that all of the things he said were said intentionally so he could watch my reaction — watch for a look of fear. He lied about his PTSD to gain a disability pension. Funny how that disappears when he heads to the bar every day.
The oddest thing is that initially I would laugh at him when he said such ridiculous things like he could shoot me from a mile away, that is until he had his 9 mm cocked and ready to fire and was holding it James Bond style and telling me he would *** shoot me in the head, he would **** shoot (my son) in the head, he would **** shoot my whole family. I didn’t know what I was dealing with but I do now. He has threatened so many people’s lives — he says he has a long list of people he will shoot. I know he is capable. I’ve seen what is behind that mask.
Oxy — as I was rereading some of the posts, you said you watched your husband burn? Good Lord how did that happen. Is your son still running around loose and able to harm you. I am telling you that I know what it feels like to look over your shoulder every time you go out to your car or go about your daily busines. It has been this way for me since June of 2008. That is when I finally realized that the guy was not fooling around!!!
Velveeta
Hi Twice Betrayed:
I like this post of yours:
But, watch out”.cause they will back off, let us recharge and then return to suck that dry-cause most of us are the best victims they’ve ever had. Hard to find good victims like you used to be able to”ahahahahaaa!
That is exactly what they do over and over and over. It still amazes me that I fell for it as many times as I did.
Dear Velveeta,
My husband burned to death in a light aircraft crash in July 04, here at our farm/airport, one of my sons and two others were also in the plane and burned pretty badly as well, but they all did live. Only the youngest (age 16 at the time) required extensive hospitalization. He is doing well now. My son is also doing well, though he does have PTSD from the crash, but is working on that and improving each day.
My P son has been in prison since 1991 for murder, he got one of his former cell mates who was out of prison to come, infiltrate our family, by renting a small house for me that I owned as a rental lproperty, then move himself into a position to “take over the family” and to “off me” for an inheritence so that I could not “cut him out” of his ENTITLED share of what our family has worked for generations. We are not “wealthy,” but compared to a convict we are, LOL
This “trojan horse psychopath” is a 3 X convicted child molester, drug abuser, thief, and elderly abuser. A real gem. He had an affair with my other son’s wife, also a P, and the two of them when I fled and they could no longer find me to kill me, abandoned my P-son’s plan, and turned on my son C and my enabling mother. when C discovered the affair (he didn’t know about the other and wasn’t willing to believe what I had told him–and yes, it did sound like a stephen King novel LOL) but the DIL decided to kill my son C (her husband) and make it look like “self defense”—she wasn’t as smart as she thought she was and she and the Trojan Horse Psychopath both went to jail. They are both out now, but I am not the least afraid of either one of them. I live in a rural area that is sparsely populated and they are well known for what they are by local law enforcement who doesn’t like them any better than I do, and they know it. They will stay away from us and our place.
My son, P, however is sitting in prison writing pity letters to my mother to get him to A) send him money now for commissary money and B) leave him money after her death. My other two sons and I are NC with her as she knows my son is what he is and she still enables him out of “pity” though the more money he has the easier it would be for him to recruit another “killer for hire” to kill us for revenge if noting else. Needless to say, he hates my guts. In any case, I know what it is to look over my shoulder, and I am CAUTIOUS but I will NOT live in fear. The worst thing he can do to me is to kill me, and while I sure don’t want that to happen, I won’t “die” 1000 times every day living in terror and fear.
The old saying “a brave man dies but once, a coward dies a thousand deaths.” If we live in terror and fear, what good is life. We just, I think, have to own up to the fact we are going to die some day anyway, and in the mean time, keep yourself as safe from ACCUTE threats as possible, and be cautious and keep due dilligence in your life.
My two sons live with me, we are all armed, but we no longer jump or “startle” when someone drives up in the yard.
I laughed the other day, one of my sons asked me where my personal protection pistol was, he wanted to clean it and I said “it’s where it always is, on my bed, under my Bible!” he laughed too and said, “where else but Arkansas would an old lady keep a ‘hog leg” under her Bible!” I really hadn’t ever thought about it that way, but I guess he is right! LOL
I WILL NOT allow them to make me live in terror. That is what they WANT, that is what your X is doing to you, he is stealing your life with your FEAR! Sure, he may kill you, but you can’t control that except by doing what you can (contacting police or whatever) but you CAN STOP BEING TERRORIZED, that’s what he wants. don’t live in FEAR, get MAD! Get strong! He doesn’t have to shoot you to “kill” you if he ruins your life! TAKE IT BACK!!!!
Velveeta:
I was thinking about your post and not sure how to put my thoughts into words…..
Then Oxy (of course) puts it perfectly.
I’ts not to minimize our value and lives or the situations we live under…..BUT…..we have to take back the power.
I have said many times before…..once facing cancer….etc….and a S at the same time…..I became NOT afraid to die….it wasnt’ that I wanted to die…..It was my way of taking back my power.
If you think about it….what is the ulitmate fear…usually death….the end…kapoot….
So, once I removed that fear, disected it….I lived a good life, traveled, helped people, was a great wife, great mother, taught my kids life lessons, set a good example ….blah, blah….well…..what more could a person ask for in life…..well….longevity? Okay…not in control of that part…..
So….I gave up the fear…..it could be my health or the sociopath that would kill me…..bring it on…..I have a legacy!
It won’t go un noticed and if he killed me, my kids would be safe from him…..cuz there are PLENTY of authorities looking for him!
I had anxiety, fear and all the trapping mind fucking behaviors and emotions……
And the minute I disected the reality…..and let it all go…..my anxiety went away and so did the fear and I was no longer paralyzed in my fear……
LOOK OUT BELOW>……EB was now in control of HER!!!!
What oxy writes is true…..we can die a thousand deaths……IF WE LET IT HAPPEN!!!!!
This is the choice we do have!
I vote for life…..and to take steps in the direction of peace for ME.
I am no longer in fear of him……but I have turned it into awareness…….I am aware of my surroundings, my personal safety and kids……BUT I WON”T LET HIM RULE MY HEAD!
I have contemplated buying a gun…..packen heat…..but I have decided it’s not in MY best interest. I have bear spray, and security systems, monitors and all the surveilance gigs….
I have done my ‘due diligence’ on security….and I am SO glad that I have. I see people he sends my way, It has the police keeping an eye and knocking on my door when something happens in neighborhood….cuz they know i have it on tape…..The police are aware of our situation, and know i wont hesitate to call…..if they don’t come running….there gonna here it…..
I am a big security advocate!!!! And if I had more of an education of comfort with guns….I’d own one…..
We can choose to live in fear, based on the threats……or we can choose to live the life we want!
Keep in mind….99.9% of everything we worry about….never happens!
SO…..the odds are in our favor………
Think about it!
XXOO
You know Oxy you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. That is exactly what he was doing. this past summer I was really paranoid. Once I realized what he was doing after reading here and many other sites) I calmed down a bit and took the attitude if it happens it happens but I am never lax about where I go, who I talk to etc.
The police here know all of the threats. I got wise and started documenting each and every one of them. They advised a protective order, but of course we all know that that will not keep you safe. Where I live, you cannot carry a gun in the same way that you can. Besides, I don’t know how to use one so it would undoubtedly would not be a good idea.
A friend of mine here who was divorcing her cop husband was recently hospitalized after a vicious and brutal sexual assault in her home. They caught him (the cop/her ex) in the basement cleaning up after himself because somehow amazingly she was able to call 911 even though he had taped her mouth, eyes, hands and brutally raped and assaulted her. She was going through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer at the time and he repeatedly punched her in the area of the caner. She had had a restraining order for a number of years as they were going through their divorce. He violated that TRO dozens of times and each time received a slap on the wrist. (He originally told her he would kill the kids and then himself). He is in jail now but when the cops said to me: “apply for a protective order, I mentioned this particular case and said “how do you think that was working for her.” They knew the story and knew I was right. I told him “getting a restraining order on this guy will make him want to shoot me in the head even more. He’s a soldier and I don’t want to make war with him. I just want you to know that if ever a hair is touched on my head, that it is him or someone he knows.”
I have left it at that. I would like to move away as soon as I can and told the police that as well. But only time will tell. If the opportunity presented itself I would be gone in a New York second.
Velveeta
Oxy: I am so sorry for all your tragedy–you are to be commended on your bravery and willingness to turn your focus toward helping others! I tip my tam to you! *salute!
Oxy and EB: you are both so correct on the power of life/death. Most of us have faced death with these p’s in one form or another. You know, I do credit my p for one thing….if he had not broken me so badly I might not have returned to my faith in God. Sometimes Satan just pushes us too far and we turn to God.
I do pack ‘heat’….I am licensed to carry a firearm. I’ve had my car tampered with several times but could not link it to him. God has watched over me and I have not been on the freeway when things occurred. I am careful since I do live in a secluded area. He has come to my home-crossing the order of protection-but I got the sheriff to go by his work and tell him I was pressing charges and they were arresting him. He asked to not be arrested and they warned him what the protection order meant and he backed way off. Mine does not want to risk incarceration of any sort. If he should ever do anything it would be thru a second party.
Dear TB,
The “tragedies” I have lived through, are like you said, the things that helped make me what I am, restore and reinforce my faith in God and a lot of other things. My husband died doing what he loved (flying) and it wasn’t his fault the crash happened, and he did save the rest of them by keepign the plane from flipping over. A lot to be said for that.
I hope that the last thing I see is Fat or Hairy kicking my lights out when I am 85! LOL But like EB says, that is not up to me.
Velveeta, I am glad that you are working on your fears, and that is really all we can DO except keep ourselves as safe as we can. When people like policemen or firemen or soldiers go into a dangerous situation they have to overcome those fears to go on, so do WE! Life is dangerous, no one gets out alive! You start dying the minute you are born! But we don’t (I hope) terrorize our kids by telling themselves or ourselves every day, “this could be the day you die!” Yet it COULD be the day any of us die!
We have to make our peace with our own mortality and our own vision of what is after this life (if we believe anything) and accept that we are mortal, that we have an unknown amount of time on this earth, and we might as well enjoy it and live it to the fullest instead of in terror.
I’m not sure if I were offered an opportunity to be “young again” and “do it all over again” I would accept unless I could do it knowing what I know NOW. Of course that’s not possible, so we either enjoy what time we have, or let the psychopath’s abuse rob us of the potential joy! I’ve lost enough time already!
Oxy: you, my dear Lady, are priceless!
Amen and amen!
As we age, God please grant us wisdom in exchange for youth and in your case He is.
LOL–Fat or Hairy kicking your lights out. Girl….that is too funny! 😉 Yeah, I told my friend to just bury me out back next to my black horse…I’d like to see his beautiful face when God pulls me outta that grave. 🙂
*uh, Oxy….I didn’t mean you are old…..ahahahaaaaaa! Youth escapes us all…..but I wouldn’t go back in time either….I do not even think I would if I could know what I do now. I dunno…….haven’t been asked. ;P