Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this story from the member who writes as “Duped.” She describes her hyper vigilance — and how it worked against her.
In hindsight, I remember questioning the little green things on the dinosaur nuggets he prepared for dinner. I was surprised he’d made the effort, in response to much nagging about not pitching in. It was late and I’d just returned from teaching an evening class. An overload to pay the bills since he quit his job. We had been arguing a lot, or rather me complaining; him not working, cleaning, taking care of the kids or pets and not making so much of an effort as to prepare a meal or help me. I had been working my full-time job teaching, overloaded for extra pay, consulting work for a publisher to generate more income, plus trying to finish my graduate degree in time to make tenure. All this and two children, one his and only a year old. And he never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur nuggets with the odd parsley flakes.
Less than two weeks later, he filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order and attempted to have me and my eldest son thrown out of our house (the one I had built from the ground up before I met him) take me for full custody of our one year old son who’d never spent a night without me, and soak me for child support, alimony and half the marital assets (we had been married 11 months) to which he had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. Mostly because of who I am and the life I’ve created for me and my children. In part due to some due diligence. In part, despite my hyper vigilance.
It is hyper vigilance I’d like to address. It’s a nasty side effect of PTSD. I was able to get his PFA turned around and file one against him. I was believable, he was not. I was credible, he was not. I HAD cared for my children, he HAD not. I had NOT been abusive, he HAD. This was relatively easy to demonstrate, although it didn’t feel so at the time. So, while I had him right where I needed him, I still felt panic and fear. I still believed he would be believed. Why not? I had believed him and I’m no sucker!
So, I made an urgent appointment with my doctor to have a drug test. He WAS using drugs. I was NOT. He had accused me of being a drug dealer, when in fact it was his mother who was his supplier, and I felt this burning NEED to prove myself. I got that drug test and believe it or not, they lost the sample. Right then I should have taken a breath and allowed the Universe to work its divine intervention. But NO, I couldn’t do that. I was in the throes of battle. I NEEDED every little piece that would set things right. I HAD to have that drug result to PROVE HIM WRONG. I was DRIVEN and consumed.
I had a second test run right before court and asked the doctor to fax the results to the attorney. I didn’t need to hear the results first. I knew what I had and had not done. It would be negative. And my attorney believed that too, which is why she handed over the results to his attorney without reading them herself. And that’s how I lost the battle.
The results were positive for THC, the intoxicating chemical found in Marijuana. Not possible, until I remembered those parsley flakes in the damn dinosaur chicken nuggets he had served up with a pleased little grin.
And that was when I had to face being my own worst enemy. Hyper vigilance, while once my comrade in a childhood filled with craziness, had become the enemy. No one asked for the drug test and it certainly wasn’t court ordered. I had gone full blown into trying to work every little piece and angle to save me and my children, that I’d opened a cans of worms HE HAD ANTICIPATED! He played my vigilance to his advantage and had won the battle.
I won the war. Because I am who I am and he is who he is and I didn’t have to make that case. He made it himself, once I tuned down from hyper vigilance to due diligence. I shifted from histrionic to matriarch. My change in posture elicited a change in his. He wasn’t pulling my strings any more. He wasn’t in control any more. I was in control of myself, which gave me far more of a positive influence over the situation. And his facade was shaken, revealing his true colors.
My point is, if you have been the victim of a sociopath, it is most likely you will be and maybe still are suffering from PTSD. With that comes the nasty black cloud of hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting, unproductive and ultimately leaves one angry and disappointed with themselves and actions. If you’re in the throws of situating your life in the wake of a sick or evil person, stop and take a deep breath. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is for the right reasons, makes sense and will take you in a direction that will raise you up, not bring you down.
Are you reacting because the situation REQUIRES it? Or are you reacting because you’re DRIVEN to? I ask myself these questions with regularity and find I’m a happier, more relaxed and better focused person, mother and professional.
Namaste
Duped
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 24, 2009.
Hyper vigilance is exhausting, unproductive and may make your situation worse.
Lovefraud’s 3 Rules of Dating
Thank you TB,
You know I do have a sort of twisted sense of humor—my husband did too, and all my boys do! the one line come back, or the smart remark.
The day my husband died, as I rushed to his side the FIRST thing that came to my mind was “I knew you wanted to be creamated, but I thought you wanted to die first!” UGH!!!!!
God, I bit my tongue and didn’t say that, and for months afterwards I beat myself up with the SKILLET for even thinking such a thing! Later, i was talking to a therapist, who also happened to be a friend, and he said to me “What a wonderful thing–what a tribute!” I didn’t understnad it then, but since then I have, and you know, I actually think that my husband would have appreciated that comment. In the worst of circumstances we were always cracking some kind of joke or smart remark, black humor of course, but nevertheless it did keep our spirits up. He was also a survivor too.
At the memorial service his son introduced himself and said, then “Cancer?…..heart attack?…. Stroke….? Airplane crash?…what would dad have preferred?” and you know HE WAS SO RIGHT. He died doing what he loved, we got our chance to say goodbye—actually I broke my finger that morning or I would have been gone. So I now look at a BROKEN FINGER as a BLESSING FROM GOD that allowed me to spend those prescious 8 hours of my husband’s last day with him, and with his mind intact. There are so many “co0incidences” that happen that I see are really gifts from God though they may seem like something “bad” at the monent they happen.
A year and a half before my husband died, two years before my husband died, my FAVORITE JOB OF MY LIFE was terminated from FT to PT and in order to get benefits, I had to find another job. I was DEVESTATED and cried, but I went out and found another job, one that was only TWO days per week, and benefits, a little less money but not much, and I GOT TO STAY HOME THAT LAST YEAR AND A HALF WITH MY HUSBAND 5 days a week, I got to be able to take care of my step dad in his final illness, it was a GODSEND because I woudl never have willingly given up that job I loved so much as director of student health at a private liberal arts college.
So sometimes gifts come to us in the guise of “losses” or disappointments, but i firmly believe that there is a PLAN to the universe. Learning from our challenges, from our mistakes, from our poor choices is what it is all about. I heard something the other day that I thought was pretty profound. “I am a spiritual being on a human journey.” I want to make the most of what is left of my human journey! I can’t “renew” this old body here (and I will be 63 in about 10 days) but I can renew and expand my spiritual being!
Oxy: You are one of a kind….and a refreshing breeze to this old world. How wonderful that you have chosen to grow in your life…you’ve accepted the challenge and are coming thru this word making your mark with something to say. I sure do enjoy hearing it too. You are not old…heck, Stevie Nicks is 60 still rockin’ and wearing 4″ heeled boots.-Christie Brinkley is 60 and still wearing mini dresses.
I hear what you are saying tho….this body is moving towards the grave…but our spirits live on.
Keep the faith! 🙂
* world. Sorry for typos….long fingernails and hard to type on this newly designed keyboard. ahahaha!
Duped I have a confession, I have posted many times on this thread, But I didnt read your article until just now. When I saw the the suject ‘hypervigilance and pstd’.I didnt want to revisit those emotions. But I did share comments too others newly in the grip’s of it. Well I remember those horrible feelings. I have overcome them and feel alive again. Even tho I have forgotten the pain the scars are still with me.
My experince was a phenonomon with someone very different. It was unnerving and unhealthy. Hypervigilance is an alter state of turmoil, caused by a colision of two forces, good and bad. Its a battle with-in our selves to take command of our lifes and be who we are. Good. We can not let them take that from us.
Ah I didn’t burn the midnight oil! I was a good gal and went to bed early not that it did me any good – I was up at 1am, 2.30, 4.00 and got up at 5 in the end up. I was exhausted today.
I have heard of the sugar thing … I strangely feel like I need it at the moment – it’s kind of comforting. I have been having chocolate too. I will do the right thing though and switch to agave or stevia. Sweet things just numb the pain a bit right now – ice cream and chocolate and fudge! Oh my! My ass is getting big though and that’s not so good 🙂 So I will knock it on the head.
The sleep thing – I don’t know what it is. I am pretty sure it isn’t the sugar as it was happening before I was having sugar – started happening few months ago when my morning depression got really urgent to deal with. I would wake in the morning with my biological clock screaming at me “you don’t have kids you don’t have kids you don’t have kids” all running through my head. It’s weird how my body has been communicating with me of late about how urgent it is to get away from him. The pain and muscle tightness has gotten much worse as well.
Thanks TB for affirming my new pet theory about the burnout! I really enjoyed the back and forth we had last night with Henry too – I now understand why everyone has so many multiple posts – it is almost like a conversation. It was so cool to know you were typing in reply on your side of the world at the same time as me – sorry if I kept you up though! You must get your sleep! 🙂
I like The bullyonline site – I know I do have serious issues but can’t take time off work – not even a day at the moment. I get a break in a few weeks time and will do my best to relax and restore then and consider what the next step is. It is definitely an abusive workplace – the expectations are crazy and there is no time to be sick or have a crisis or anything going on in your personal life.
I was reading a book by Dale Carnegie about worrying “How to stop worrying and start living” and he outlines your philosophy Oxy, EB and others – you can die a thousand deaths in your mind but most eventualities don’t happen. That said Velveeta – only you know the safety of your own situation. And that can be said for any of us.
I had so many sage thoughts reading through everyone’s comments and now I can’t think of them! Maybe they weren’t so sage after all! Oh someone said they had spent years analysing the P’s behaviour – I DID THAT TOO!! Years and years when not crying in the depths of despair over it I would pick myself up and start googling for self help and relationship help sites. Nothing I seemed to come across seemed to fit though because yes at times he seemed depressed, at times he was angry, he never was enthused or excited – except when trying to impress people he didn’t know (that was quite a revolting act to watch).
I didn’t know a thing about personality disorders before this – had no clue at all. It so used to hurt when he would lie and betray me. I remember it hurting as though he had kicked me in the guts – I would literally double over and sob at him “Why? Why would you do that to me?” I just feel so stupid to have lost so many years. I am really struggling with that. I know many people have lost longer than me, but I think it is especially bad for me because those were the bulk of my fertile years and if he had just told the truth “I am not capable of being a husband and I don’t want kids because I hate them.” then I could have moved on in time. What kind of person lies to someone about something so important to them? I asked him outright many times “You don’t want kids do you?” And he would barefaced lie to me. But there were no plans – just like there was no plan for anything. If I wanted anything doing I had to do it myself with him dragging his ass and sulking behind me and me trying to engage him and cheer him up and involve him – what a fool have I been?
I bet you’re all beautiful at 60 and 63 – you are so authentically yourselves … I can almost smell your scent off your words. I bet you have a light that people are drawn to and a laugh that can fill a room. I am 33. My upper eye lids are just sagging onto the eye and the unders are lined with a thousand smile memories. I have hair that is going grey and am starting to get lines around my mouth. My boobs are going south pretty fast and my belly is lined with stretchmarks despite not bearing any off spring. According to a plastic surgeon friend I have ‘thin skin’. Thanks Mom and Dad!
I had hoped to be a young mama and run around with my little ones imparting all my knowledge and love to them. Now I am afraid. I know the stats for women over 35 and I know the realities of infertility. Even if I manage to heal enough to find a healthy relationship I may be too too late. That just breaks my heart. So maybe I find another way to fill my heart – I was thinking that today. Maybe that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I am not ready to give up on it yet but maybe there are other futures for me.
You’re wonderful people – just wanted to let you know that. I think I might be getting a bit better, I only cried eight times today. Once on the street behind sunnies and several times int he toilet at work and several times at home. It is not so far beneath the surface but I am shocked at the volume. Hopefully I get a break from it soon. It is very tiring and my eyes get swollen quickly so I can’t hide evidence of it! Anyway- much love to you all from me. This site is helping me feel a bit stronger.
Henry:
Hi babe…..
” Hypervigilance is an alter state of turmoil, caused by a colision of two forces, good and bad. Its a battle with-in our selves to take command of our lifes and be who we are.”
Your post was so well stated!!!!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving…..Ya know….we have a whole LOT to be thankful for!
I was sitting on the beach 2 nights ago…..clear, beautiful sky…..and here comes a shooting star….
Well……my wish wasn’t for the S to die……
It was ABOUT ME!!!!
I’m thankful that I can now wish things for ME……
(cuz….he’ll get what he’s got coming without me wasting a shooting star on him!!!) 🙂
Amen!!!! Erin.
Truth vindicates itself.
Use your shooting stars to cast YOUR dreams into the universe, where the future belongs to you, my dear.
Bravo!!!
Pollyanna~
I know sleep/lack of can be affiliated to many causes…..and logically stress is a huge one!
What delayed my diagnosis when I had thyroid issues was the ‘obvious’ my separation and the stress that came with it….
So no one ever looked at my thyroid…
Well…..I tell everyone….GET YOUR THYROID CHECKED!!!
You would be amazed at the effects an off kiltered thyroid will do!
Sleep disturbances are one of them.
Also…….HEY watch your mouth girl……NOT ALL OF US ARE 60-63…….although, I may look 90…..I’m only 42!!!
🙂
Each wrinkle, each line, each sag…..IS EARNED…..it’s a roadmap to your life! LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!
My hope for you would be to remain in the HERE AND NOW! WE can’t worry about yesterday and we can’t worry about our tomorrows. Also, please try and LIVE WITH NO REGRETS!!!
Really, we are who we are TODAY, because of what we have lived……you are a good person with immeasurable value…..
Don’t waste it on regrets…..
HAVE FAITH…..it will all work out….the way it should…..
Don’t die a thousand deaths, only to live for 100 years…..
He is a con, a spineless piece of shit, not capable of telling any sort of truths…..His own, deep rooted shame and guilt is his truth……and that will NEVER surface. THAT IS WHAT HIS LEGACY IS!.
YOU have the opportunity to make a good life for yourself…..take it and run with it!!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!
I gotta go to bed….the oil is starting to burn.
I can smell it already!
XXOO
Oh Isabell your always so uplifting…..
You’ve got the power girl!!!!
🙂
Eb That shooting star was yours – it fell out of the sky just for you…Happy Turkey Day to all